#please judge it by 2am standards

[silverwhiteraven]

Beauty and Self-Expression in Wing Culture

So it's like 3am as I start to write this, and instead of sleeping at 2am I was thinking about the Wing AU I've been seeing for Miraculous Ladybug, courtesy of these three lovelies: @justaferal-bastard @thechatsmeow @tizzymcwizzy

[Warning: I got carried away and this goes from analysis, to idea, and then into a short fic-snippet.]

Actual Warning: It gets kinda, like, minor-angst about how the idea works?? More of a potential hurt/comfort at the end, IDK? But it has character growth! We stan Adrien rebellion against Gabriel! And healthy use of beauty products!

Anyways!!!

I love AUs like this that are saying 'What if Idea! What if apply Idea to World!' And then there's me, who likes to say 'Yes, yes! Now lets take World, and apply it to Idea.' And this is what happens.

So I was having some thoughts and things about Adrien and his wings, ya know? The wings are always tucked in close to back, always straight up, always prim and proper and stoic, as his Father and social economic class dictates. It puts people off at first because wings are one of the first things you see, one of the first things you subconsciously assess and judge and take into account. But to anyone who actually looks at the rest of him and stays around him and pays attention to him notice, there's a clear disconnect between how he holds his wings and how his actual personality is. It becomes obvious that his wings are like that from years of following a rule of conduct given to him, and a lot of birdie-see-birdie-do behavior of being around his own family and the Bourgeois.

Basically, wings, too, are subjected to self-images and self-expression. People of higher classes use their wings to show their class, power, and wealth; 'I don't fly' is basically 'I don't have to work for what I want'. Lower classes do that sort of thing less and less, and their wings are used more freely to express the self; not just free in actual movement, but with decorations as well, with things like feather-dyes, jewelry, and fake/decorative feathers and down to make themselves more unique and more like themselves.

Then I thought, well, what else? What about cultural beauty standards?

Well wing-types likely will be subjected to this, much like body-types. Already certain wings already have inherent uses. Falcon-like wings for speed, goose wings capable of long distances, hummingbird's for agility; all these physical traits that may or may not even match up with the main body that on its own also gets told has types meant for certain activities (tall people and basketball anybody?). Imagine all those wings that are colored and shaped like those of Birds of Paradise, though, swoon. But those weren't the thoughts I had.

My thought was the techniques in which beauty standards are met and maintained. Physical things that alter the looks. For the normal body, we have things like paddings, corsets, binders, and lifestyles, too, like dieting and working out. Extremes can even go to surgery.

So here was the specific thought I had about Adrien:

Wing-Binding.

Using unseen binds like netting, straps, or even cords, hidden underneath the feathers and down, to hold the wings in place and in whatever form is wanting to be presented.

Everyone should know that long-term and over-use of anything that restricts the body is unhealthy and can cause damage, even permanently. And I imagine Adrien has been modelling since he was small, too, so he would have been subjectes to it since before he even knew what it was, what it could do. Before he could comprehend what was happening and give consent to it.

Shealtered and with all his social and media intake controlled, he would have no clue that these are things he should be allowed to not do. And, sorry to anyone who liked the picture-perfect Mother Image Adrien paints of Emilie, but just like with him not being allowed to go to school or socialize outside of Chloé, or having to work a job and take unwanted extracurricular lessons and activities, Mama Agreste, at the very least, enabled Gabriel to doing something such as Wing-Binding to their unconsenting amd still-growing child.

Given! It isn't absolute in how bad it is, he can remove them for physical activities like P.E. and Fencing, or when photo shoots are doing Wing-Fashion, and when he's at home, too, but still, all that time in public having to use them because his Father says so sucks, a lot.

And again, the damage it could cause, both to his wings as they grow, not being allowed to stretch and strengthen, but also to the feathers, having to grow past and rub and push against what's holding them or sitting below.

It's kinda heartbreaking thinking how lovely he looks but just how much getting to that pleasing image might have just crippled him.

And then I thought about Chat Noir.

Chat, with wings free to move as he pleases, free to droop and drag, free to stretch and feel the wind, free to puff up and shield another.

And when he stretches those wings, be they magically dyed a new color or made bigger, they now have an emphasis on the burden they bear outside of the magic.

The feathers once unseen when tucked are now out and bare, spread out as he makes himself look bigger while he hisses and intimidates an Akuma. Everyone can see how the edges of his feathers are jagged and don't smooth out, some of the shafts are crooked or even broke, and as he beats his wings, they swear some will simply come out, from the quil and all, and disintegrate before they even touch the ground.

Ladybug asks him about it, and he grins and shrugs, "Probably a stylistic choice on my Kwami's part; they aren't actually that bad when I'm out of the suit."

"Mon gryffon," she calls his attention to her with one of her nicknames, a serious and sad look in her eyes. "Not that bad is still bad. Why are they like that?"

"Bindings kinda chaff sometimes, I think the suit just makes it look really bad," he answers, but he doesn't understand, why is she looking at him like that? A little bit of it clicks. "I thought most did it?"

She shakes her head, spreading her own, beautiful wings to him, and he can't help but reach out and run his claws gently through them. Her's don't show the signs of the Wing-Bindings his do. His head snaps to look down to the Parisians on the streets and those above them in the air, looking for signs of his own condition in the open wings. His heart beats hard and it almost hurts as another piece clicks.

"No, Chat Noir," Ladybug answers softly, "that isn't normal... Whoever makes you use those, they shouldn't have. No one still growing their wings should ever use those, ever."

He nods in understanding. His grin, long gone, comes back as he whipes away the tears that has built and he holds out a hand to his partner. "Care for one last fly before we part ways? I think I still need the practice." Especially since I've never flown outside of the suit, and I don't think I'll get a chance to yet, either, goes left unsaid.

But sometimes realizations like this are a part of the recovery. Chat Noir flies with his Lady, and thinks about how Adrien is going to tell his Father he won't wear the Wing-Bindings again, or at least about how to hide the future fact that he got rid of them all so that he can't anyways. He thinks about how he's going to practice flying, maybe ask Marinette for tips.

Chat Noir, the Gryffon of Paris, adds a new determination for the future, alongside winning Ladybug's heart and defeating Hawkmoth: Let his wings be free, and heal, because he'll be damned if he lets Chat Noir be the only time he ever flies, and, once his role as the Black Cat is over, with no suit to aid him, he will simply burn his Father's company to the ground if he never gets to fly again because of what Gabriel had done.

Anyways!! That was the thoughts I was having, it's 4:30am and I hope y'all really like, uh, whatever this is!!!!

[flowerspecial]

You Perform One Of Their Songs

JB

JB would live for the moments when he hears you sing a part of his song. You wouldn't do it often, because honestly you would think that JB is going to judge you. But that couldn't be further from the truth, JB wishes that he could hear you sing more! The most popular place that you would sing in the shower, but only when you thought JB wasn't in the house. But of course there would be times when JB reenters the house because he forgot something, and he is greeted with your beautiful voice. You'd never lock the bathroom door so he would sneak in, and just sit on the sink listening to you with a smile.

Mark

Mark had asked you to go to the studio with him one day, he didn't want to leave you alone at the moment as he was about to go on tour so he wanted to make every last day count. But let's get real it would get quite boring just sitting there minding your own business so you'd get up and join him. Mark would pretend not to notice you behind him, copying his actions. He’d try not to get distracted by you but let's be honest you are very alluring to him. At the end, Mark would ask you to do a little show for him, and let's just say, the performance carries on after you guys get home…

Jackson

Jackson would beg you so often to perform one of his songs for him! Literally since the day you met, he is asking you to sing or dance to his song. “Please babyyy, it would be so amazing if my partner could perform one of my songs.” In the end you would cave in, because who can really say no to Jackson? But you thought the least embarrassing way to do it would be to do a tiktok. That way it is still light and fun, nothing that it is too serious. You wouldn't tell Jackson that you are doing it, and when he sees it he would genuinely squeal like a little girl. “That's my baby!! Look at you go!!”

Jinyoung

Jinyoung is another one where you would probably be too scared to perform one of his songs in front of him. Jinyoung is very professional, and he holds everyone to his incredibly high standards, even you. That is why you would probably be practicing for weeks before you'd actually show Jinyoung. You don't know how you managed to keep it a surprise this long but somehow you did! When you showed Jinyoung, his face would be set in stone and you'd genuinely think that he is hating it. But when you try and stop, Jinyoung would grab your hand, “keep going angel, you look so hot right now.”

Youngjae

You know what would really go straight to Youngjae’s heart? If you sang a slowed down, acoustic version of one of his songs. That would be the stuff that is in Youngjae’s dreams. Unlike with the other boys, you would know that Youngjae is never gonna laugh at you, even in a joking way. That's why you find yourself singing one of his songs almost constantly. You would be doing housework, or cooking a new recipe and you'd be swaying to the music as you sang a new song. Youngjae would stand in the doorway watching you with his heart full, thinking that you will be the one he will be with for the rest of his life.

Bambam

You’d always tease Bambam that you are better than him. You'd always tease him that you can rap his verses better than him, and that you can dance more sexy than him. But Bambam isn't just gonna take your word for it, he wants you to put your money where your mouth is. This is why you'd end up in the studio at 2am, having the sickest dance off. But somewhere along the lines it would turn more into a who can turn the other person on more competition and less about who can actually perform the song better. All in all, Bambam would live for these moments.

Yugyeom

We’ve all established by now that all of the boys would love to see you perform, why wouldn't they? But Yugyeom would be at the top of the list! He would constantly be coaxing you into singing with him or dancing with him. Yugyeom just thinks that this is what the elite relationships are doing. Even if you weren't the best singer or dancer, Yugyeom would hype you up so much! Yugyeom would go one step further and would literally beg you to do a collaboration with him! He'd want to show the whole world just how in sync you are, and how amazing your relationship is.

[sparrowstrikewrites]

Cutting Roots

Drabble for @tendaysoftenzo 3 (Rouge Ninja) and Day 4 (Sensei)

Summary: It all happens fast. Mokuton responds to emotions and Tenzou’s angry. Next thing he knows, he’s got Danzou’s blood on his hands, 2 kids in dire need of a medic, and a horrible suspicion about the Uchiha Massacre.

Rating: Teen (curse words, blood, canon typical violence)

At first Kakashi tried to ignore the banging, but it just kept going and the front door didn’t deserve that abuse.

Kakashi rolled off the couch and heaved himself to his feet with a groan. A quick glance at the clock said it was just after 2AM. I’m going to give them so much shit, the teenager grumbled. He hadn’t been asleep, but it was a principles thing. When someone takes 3 days off for bereavement, you don’t show up at their house at 2 in the morning.

“The world better be ending,” Kakashi growled as he pulled the door open. The words died on his lips as he recognized the anbu on his doorstep.

Tenzou was wearing his sleeping clothes, gray standard issue for anbu. A splatter of what Kakashi assumed was blood crossed his chest. His shoulder length hair was messy and his eyes were too wide.

Something was very wrong.

“I didn’t know where else to go,” Tenzou said. His voice was hollow. “We need help.”

Kakashi pulled the door open the rest of the way. Standing behind Tenzou were 2 kids. They couldn’t be more than 5 or 6. The taller one, his hair looked about the same color as Kakashi’s in the moonlight, leaned heavily on the smaller, dark haired one. They both stared at Kakashi with blank expressions. 

Kakashi noticed they were both armed like shinobi, from the kunai holsters on their thighs to the swords on their backs. He stepped back inside and pulled the door with him, a silent invitation.

Tenzou staggered inside and the kids trailed him to Kakashi’s kitchen.

Kakashi stuck his head out the front door and looked up and down the street. There was no sign of any pursuers, for now.

Kakashi grabbed the first aid kit out of the kitchen cabinet and turned to Tenzou first. In the light of the kitchen, it was definitely blood on his gray shirt.

“Where are you hurt?” Kakashi asked.

Tenzou shook his head. “It’s not my blood.”

Kakashi narrowed his eye at his kohai. He couldn’t see any visible injuries.

“Shin’s sick,” Kakashi glanced at the kids. It was the dark haired one who’d spoken. He was holding the other boy upright in one of Kakashi’s chairs. 

Kakashi gave Tenzou one more look over before he shifted his focus to the kids.

Kakashi crouched down beside Shin. The other kid shied away from Kakashi, but refused to leave Shin’s side.

“I won’t hurt him,” Kakashi promised softly. 

The dark haired boy looked skeptical, but he didn’t draw a kunai so Kakashi wasn’t too worried.

Shin, didn’t look good. His skin was cold and clammy, and his cheeks were flushed with fever. At Kakashi’s urging he opened his eyes, but he couldn’t seem to focus on the shinobi’s face.

Kakashi put his ear against the kid’s chest and listened. Even without a stethoscope, he could hear the way each breath rattled.

Kakashi stood up and stepped back. “Shin needs to go to the hospital.”

The dark haired kid’s grip on Shin’s hand tightened.

“Can’t,” Tenzou muttered. “The hospital will just send him back to the anbu health center. They have orders not to interfere with Root.”

Kakashi whipped around and stared at Tenzou.

Tenzou was staring down at the blood on his shirt.

“You mean these kids are Root?” Kakashi demanded.

Tenzou didn’t say anything, just dabbed at the blood with his finger.

“Danzou-sama trained us,” the dark haired kid said from behind Kakashi. 

Kakashi didn’t take his off of Tenzou. “How long do we have before Danzou’s on my doorstep? Does he know you took them?”

“I killed him.” The words fell out of Tenzou’s mouth like rocks. He blinked a couple times, like he’d surprised himself. 

Kakashi’s eyes went wide. His mind was moving miles a minute. The only thought that stuck was, we can’t stay.

“He was making them fight,” Tenzou’s voice rose in pitch and volume, “Like Kiri. Like the Bloody Mist.” He sounded half hysterical when he finally looked up and met Kakashi’s horrified stare.

“Fuck.”

“I didn’t mean to do it. I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about Itachi and I thought a walk would clear my head. I heard them in the arena and went to see who was training. When I saw Danzou and the kids, I knew what was going, but I asked anyway.” Tenzou’s chin quivers and his voice wavered. “Danzou told me and he said things…” Tenzou trailed off. His mouth twisted into an angry snarl, “things about the Third, the clan heads, and the Uchiha. He said things about you and Itachi and it just happened.”

Judging by the way the wooden floor was sprouting little branches and grabbing at Kakashi’s ankles, he didn’t have to guess what “it” was. Tenzou’s mokuton was powerful and it responded as much to his emotions as much as his thought. He’d worked so hard to wrestle it into submission, but there was only so much control you could exert over a kekkei genkai you were never meant to have.

“Good.” Kakashi’s tone left no room for argument and it surprised him as much as it did Tenzou. Just like that the tension in the room broke. 

Tenzou’s shoulders sagged with both exhaustion and relief. 

“Go get cleaned up,” Kakashi ordered. “Grab some clothes out of my closet and start packing go bags. Mine’s already packed, but you and the kids will need gear. It’s not the worth the risk of going back to the anbu compound.”

Tenzou nodded once and made for the stairs.

Kakashi turned back to the kids. “What’s your name?” he asked the dark haired boy.

The kid hesitated. 

“ ‘S kay, Sai,” the other kid mumbled. His head was resting on Sai’s shoulder. If Sai moved, he would have fallen out of the chair.

The dark haired boy, Sai, glanced between Shin and Kakashi. “My name’s Sai. This is my brother, Shin. Please don’t let him die.”

Kakashi felt like someone kicked him in the chest. Instead of Sai, he was looking at another dark haired kid. “Promise me you’ll protect Rin.”

Kakashi took a shuddering breath. “I’ll do what I can. I’m not a medic.”

Sai nodded. He could accept that. 

“I’m going to move him to the couch,” Kakashi said. He figured if he didn’t startle the kids, they were less likely to instinctively put a kunai between his ribs. He’d seen first hand how efficient and skilled Root made their anbu. Just because they were kids didn’t mean they weren’t lethal.

Kakashi slipped a hand under Shin’s knees and another behind his shoulders and lifted him out of the chair. The kid seemed to weigh nothing. He shivered and shifted in Kakashi’s arms, pressing closer. 

Sai trailed Kakashi like a shadow from the kitchen to the living room. 

Kakashi hummed softly. He remembered his dad doing this when he was small and sick. If the tune had words, Kakashi’d never learned them.

“Can you put a pot of water on the stove and get it boiling?” Kakashi asked Sai.

Sai nodded and disappeared back into the kitchen.

Kakashi stared down at Shin and considered his options. He had some fever tablets. They could bundle him in blankets and try to sweat out the fever, but that wouldn’t do anything for his lungs. They were definitely full of fluid.

Kakashi checked Shin’s bulse. It was light, fast, and irregular. The fever was the easiest thing to treat, but probably not the thing most likely to kill him. 

Sai stuck his head back in. “It’s boiling.”

Kakashi nodded. He grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and tucked it around Shin. “Good. The steam might help clear his lungs.”

Kakashi carried the pot into the living room and set it on a stack of hot pads beside the couch. He put the fever tablets in Shin’s mouth. They were the sort that dissolved. 

“How long has he been sick?” Kakashi asked Sai.

“Forever. He coughs when we run and sometimes he wakes up and he can’t breathe. It’s been getting worse for 3 months. He used to cough a lot, but not anymore,” Sai explained.

Kakashi nodded. “Where do you sleep?”

“We have barracks.”

“Cold, damp, crowded?”

“Yeah. Lots of people get sick. Danzou-sama takes them away when they complain and we don’t see them again. Shin didn’t say anything, because he didn’t want to leave me,” Sai’s voice was small and he clutched the hem of his black shirt in little fists.

Kakashi wanted to scream. Instead he held his breath and counted to five before he let it out. “Watch Shin. I’m going to go see if I have any other medicine upstairs.”

Sai settled on the floor beside the couch without a word.

Kakashi found upstairs Tenzou digging through the closet for blankets.

“How are you holding up?” Kakashi asked.

Tenzou shook his head. “I don’t know. I feel numb.”

“I don’t know if Shin is going to make it. I’m thinking he’s got pneumonia and probably something else too. Pneumonia’s usually a secondary infection.”

Tenzou sighed. “They didn’t want to fight. Danzou was trying to force them. The other kids ran when I… Shin wasn’t able to run and Sai wouldn’t leave him.”

“I’ve got some antibiotics in the medicine cabinet. They’re old, but they might help,” Kakashi sighed. “I need to know what Danzou said about Itachi.”

Tenzou hugged the blanket he was folding to his chest. “He didn’t say anything outright, but the comparison he was making was between you and me and Itachi. He said Itachi was a good soldier. That the new Root were all good soldiers.”

Kakashi leaned against the wall. The world was spinning. He and Tenzou shared the same critical flaw in Danzou’s eyes. The fact that they were both still breathing was evidence to their failure as soldiers. They questioned orders. They disobeyed orders. They failed to kill each other and failed to kill their hearts. 

“I think Itachi might have been following orders,” Tenzou gave voice to the half formed thought Kakashi was trying to grasp.

“Fuck,” Kakashi breathed. 

Tenzou just nodded. They’d both taken Itachi’s betrayal hard, but Kakashi had seemed determined to shoulder the blame. He was Itachi’s captain for 2 years, he said he should have seen the instability in the Uchiha.

“I can’t think about this right now,” Kakashi muttered. He turned on his heel and began ransacking the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.

The bottle of antibiotics was almost full. They were woefully out of date, but Kakashi’d read that most medication remained effective well after its expiration date so he’d kept them. The bigger issue was that they were dosed for an adult man. 

Behind the antibiotics were an untouched steroid dose pack. Kakashi grabbed those too. They’d been meant to be taken alongside the antibiotics.

Kakashi mentally did the math, guessing at how much Shin weighed and how to break the pills, as he walked back down the stairs.

Sai had moved from the floor to the arm of the couch, where he could perch and easily keep his fingers on the pulse point in Shin’s throat.

Kakashi decided to give the kid a whole antibiotic and half the starting dose out of the steroid pack.

SInce it looked unlikely that Shin could swallow the pills, Kakashi ground them up and mixed them with a little bit of milk, it was the only thing he had that might mask some of the flavor. 

“This is going to taste pretty awful,” Kakashi warned Shin. He wasn’t even sure the kid could hear him now. “But you need to try to swallow it.” 

The sludgy mixture slid down Shin’s tongue and he whined. His face scrunched up, but he didn’t try to spit it out.

“Good job,” Kakashi soothed.

Shin seemed to settle. 

Sai looked at Kakashi. His eyes were so dark that Kakashi couldn’t tell where the pupil ended and the iris started. It gave him a perpetually wide eyed look. With his blank expression, he reminded Kakashi of the old legends about fae and changelings. “What happens now?” Sai asked.

Kakashi hesitated. “We’ll see how Shin is in a couple hours and go from there.”

Sai nodded. “We’re traitors now, aren’t we?”

Kakashi flinched. 

“No. The village betrayed us first,” Tenzou said from the bottom of the stairs. He had 3 backpacks in his arms that he dumped on the floor by the door. “Danzou did horrible things. The village is better without him.”

Sai looked at Tenzou and cocked his head to the side in confusion. “But we’ll need to run away right?”

Tenzou glanced at Kakashi. “You and Shin are going to go with me. We’ll find someplace nice and quiet where Shin can get better.”

Kakashi frowned. “I’m going with you.”

Tenzou shook his head. “I can’t ask that of you.”

“You aren’t asking. I’m telling you. I’m going with you and we’re going to get answers.” Kakashi’s jaw was set and there was a spark of fire in his dark eye that Tenzou hadn’t seen since the Uchiha Massacre. 

Tenzou motioned for Kakashi to step into the kitchen. Out of sight and earshot of the kids, Tanzou met Kakashi’s questioning stare. “You want to go after Itachi.” It wasn’t a question.

Kakashi nodded. He’d argued against it just 2 days ago, when the blood hadn’t even dried yet. He refused to kill Itachi and he refused to let Tenzou shoulder that burden. Now, they had an excuse to take Itachi alive. 

“If Danzou ordered the massacre, he set Itachi up to take the blame. Itachi may have escaped the village, but there’s got to be Root anbu on his trail. Danzou couldn’t afford to have Itachi tell anyone the truth behind the massacre. It’d tear the village apart. At the very least the Hyuga would riot.”

“Assuming Itachi didn’t just snap like we all thought.” Tenzou said it without any weight. It didn’t make sense. Never had.

Kakashi nodded. “I want answers and Itachi needs backup. Even if he’s batshit crazy, he’s still part of Team Ro.”

Tenzou smiled at that. For someone with the title of Friend-Killer, Kakashi was the most loyal person Tenzou’d ever met. He pretended not to care, but when shit hit the fan, Kakashi was always ride or die. It was exactly why Tenzou knew he could do this. “I need you to stay here,” Tenzou said.

Kakashi’s head jerked in surprise. He’d thought when Tenzou smiled that the discussion was over. 

“I need someone here that I can trust and pass information to,” Tenzou explained. “I made this mess. I need to clean it up.”

“And Itachi’s my mess,” Kakashi argued.

Tenzou folded his arms. “He’s not your responsibility anymore. He was Danzou’s mess and, as the most senior member of Root, now he’s mine.”

Kakashi opened his mouth to keep arguing, but Tenzou cut him off.

“When Danzou’s death is discovered, it’s going to throw the village off balance. The Third loved him like a brother. Knowing how he reacted to Minato’s death and Orochimaru’s betrayal, it’d be foolish not to expect every politically hungry creep to come out of the woodwork and take advantage of the situation.”

Kakashi nodded. The Third had been relatively passive his second term. Everyone knew he’d lost his edge and his confidence with Orochimaru’s defection. If Kakashi were being generous he’d say that was why the man had such a blindspot towards Danzou.

“I need you here, the village needs you here, and so does Itachi. He left Sasuke for a reason.”

Kakashi’s shoulders dropped in defeat. Whatever deal Itachi had made with Danzou was now void. If the youngest Uchiha had any political protection, it died with Danzou. There were a lot of eyes on Sasuke and none of them were friendly.

Tenzou saw the fight go out of Kakashi. 

“Alright. I’ll let you go, but if you get yourself into trouble I’m coming after you.”

Tenzou nodded and put his hand on Kakashi’s shoulder. 

Kakashi pulled Tenzou into a hug. It was stiff and awkward, but neither of them made any move to pull away. Kakashi noted that Tenzou’d had another growth spurt they were about the same height now and with Tenzou being 2 years younger than him, there was no doubt that he was going to end up taller. 

After a long minute, Kakashi let go of Tenzou. 

“Let’s go take care of you kohai,” Kakashi muttered and nudged Tenzou back towards the living room.

Kakashi watched Tenzou for a second before following. He was gangly, like most 14 year olds, but he moved like a vveteran shinobi. Kakashi knew Tenzou could take care of himself, but that didn’t mean he liked the idea of letting him go alone.

Tenzou was bent over Shin, checking the kid’s temperature when Kakashi picked his way over to the couch. 

Kakashi caught Sai’s eye. “Congrats, you’re getting promoted. Welcome to Team Rho. We’ve got an impressive mission record, so don’t mess it up.” 

Sai sat up straighter and squared his shoulders.

Under his mask, Kakashi’s lips twitched into a humorless smile. “Our first mission is to determine the truth behind the Uchiha Massacre and whether or not Danzou Shimaru intentionally destabilized the village. I’ll be running point in Konoha. Tenzou-san will be leading the away cell.”

Tenzou blinked in surprise. “I guess that means I’m getting a promotion too?”

“You were due,” Kakashi shrugged. “The 3 of you should get some sleep. I’ll watch Shin and wake you up before dawn.”

Sai reluctantly let Kakashi make him a bed on the opposite end of the couch from Shin. THey were both so small that their feet didn’t even touch.

Next, Kakashi shooed Tenzou upstairs to the bedroom. 

Kakashi took up Sai’s previous post on the arm of the couch and watched the kids sleep.

Tenzou didn’t sleep long. An hour later, he was back in the living room. He sat on the floor by Kakashi’s feet and didn’t say a word. 

Tenzou listened to the boys’ breathing and Kakashi humming softly. His heart was racing. His mind kept replaying the night over and over again, like it was still trying to believe that it had actually happened. 

Danzou had raised him. He’d thought of Danzou as his father for most of his life. When he learned the truth, he’d hated the man. But even then, the hate had been tainted. How could he really hate the man who made him what he was. Who was he without Danzou?

Shin whimpered in his sleep. 

Kakashi reached out to brush a hand across his sweat soaked forehead and murmured soothing promises until the boy settled.

Tenzou tensed. The magnitude of what he was taking on crashed down on him. He had no memories of his life before are 6 when Danzou saved him from Orochimaru’s abandoned lab. When he was sick, Danzou told him to push through it. When he was hurt, Danzou told him to get used to the pain. When he was scared, Danzou told him to bury it. 

Tenzou had no idea how to care for a kid, let alone a kid like him. 

“Stop panicking,” Kakashi ordered. His voice was low to keep from waking the kids.

Tenzou took a shuddering breath. 

“Just be the person you need when you were their age,” Kakashi whispered.

Tenzou closed his eyes and nodded. He couldn’t get the words out around the lump in his throat to tell Kakashi that he was the person Tenzou had needed.

“You can do this.”

---

Shin’s fever broke an hour before sunrise and he slipped deeper into an exhausted sleep.

Kakashi bundled the kid in a couple blankets and settled him in Tenzou’s arms. 

Sai knew how to shuushin, so the 2 older anbu figured he’d be able to keep up. 

Kakashi stood in the doorway and watched the road long after the 3 Root anbu had disappeared. 

When the sun started to brush the roof, kakashi went inside to burn Tenzou’s bloodstained sleeping clothes and destroy the rest of the evidence of his housemate.

Too full of adrenaline to sleep, Kakashi spent the rest of the morning drafting his resignation from the anbu. With 2 of his teammates rogue shinobi, he’d never be trusted again. Besides, Kakashi had a mission and he could do it better outside of the anbu. Sasuke needed someone to protect him and train him. Danzou had been the driving force behind Konoha’s jinchuuriki policy. With him dead, Kakashi intended to carry out the promise he’d made to Minato and Kushina’s graves. 

Tenzou had his kohai. It was time for Kakashi to go get his.

---

Tenzou stopped late in the morning, just outside of a small town in the middle of nowhere. 

Sai was exhausted and Shin’s fever was back. It was time for Shin to get another dose of medication and they were far enough from Konoha that Tenzou was willing to let their little team rest.

The woman at the front desk of the town’s only inn took one look at the tall, skinny teenager in an anbu uniform and the 2 kids with him and handed the teen a room key. One look was all it took to decide this was the sort of shinobi stuff you didn’t interfere with.

As soon as the door was open, Sai staggered in and collapsed onto the nearest of the 2 double beds. Tenzou was pretty sure the kid was asleep before his legs stopped moving.

Tenzou settled Shin on the other side of the same bed as Sai and dug the medicine Kakashi had sent out of his backpack.

Shin stirred and opened his eyes. 

“Hey,” Tenzou said softly.

“Hi,” Shin mumbled. He smiled when Sai scrambled across the bed and pressed himself against Shin’s side.

“Think you can swallow some pills?” Tenzou asked.

Shin nodded. He took the pills Tenzou put in his hand and sipped from a water bottle. There was color back in his face and when he coughed it sounded like the fluid in his lungs was breaking up.

Tenzou breathed a sigh of relief. They were going to make it. They’d stay here for a few days, let the search parties pass them by, and then make for the Land of Rain. The last reports had Itachi crossing the border and heading towards Ame with a masked man.

Note: I might come back and add to this piece someday, but I’ve already got an in-progress long fic, so for now this will stay as a drabble. 

[meandmyechoes]

identity asks

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

hmmm first one and it’s kinda difficult. I don’t know how to evaluate this answer because I feel every work they study will only give a face of me, and whether that could complete the picture, I’m not sure. But I’m doing these on instincts so I’m gonna give a imperfect but straight answer.

Please watch the Clone Wars movie and the Wrong Jedi arc. WATCH BONES. THE ENTIRE SHOW. Read Ender’s Game, Le Petit Prince and Peter Pan, Artemis Fowl and the Arctic Incident. Listen to several select songs from Imagine Dragons:It’s Time, I Bet My Life, I was Me, Shots (Piano Acoustic), Whatever It Takes, Thirty Lives and I was Me.

I feel very inclined to put non-ficiton recs in here but I can’t pinpoint ones now... If someone really wanted to understand me, I’ll take them on a date ;)

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

I don’t recall one at the moment. Fairly, I’ve been missing in action from the world of words for a while so it’s hard to judge. Again, I feel inclined to answer in non-ficiton, preferrably a scientist, or a poet. but nothing came to mind. that’s a good thread of desolation for a poem seed. lost in a sea of friends. when everyone is a net but you are a buoy (yes it’s 2am excuse the weird metaphor)

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

oh boy i have so many fandoms this could spawn into its own essay. but i’ma address two things here.

1) I’ve been calling myself ‘mom-fan’ de Ahsoka for years and in that is less than a small feeling of inadequacy for myself compared to her. She’s perfect* in my eyes and I just think I’m not good enough to put myself next to her (standard). But do I see myself in her? I suppose the answer has always been she was my ideal, she was who I aspire to be, and still am learning to become.

2) I practically identify with every stoic genius trope out here. (oops all white boys). But I mean, of course Temperance Brennan is my favourite fictional character ever after Ahsoka. Again, I’m not as smart as her but every other quirk, I’m her.

P.S. 3) I've talked about this before but I identify with Hino Eiji('s recovery) so much post-, graduation, i guess

I think a disconnection I have with how other people find themselves in fictional characters is I don’t rely on physique at all. I relate to their personality and attitude, and the struggles they went through, so I never really feel the need to see ‘someone (who looks) like me’ in any media. ( + social factor thought out but not elaborated here) 

4. do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better?

Yes! I do like my name. Both Chinese and English. They are meaningful more than the word combination themselves, but also the weight of my parents' gift. I also like that it's a fine line between archaic and out-of-date. There's sort of an old-time elegance in there. 

Well 20 years ago Yuki was a unique name but now it's kind of not the best rep. But it's not the worse either, I think the fad with that name passed and I'd like to (re)define that name for people who know me.

I did, briefly considered adopting a new English name when I entered university. (surprise surpise I wanted to use 'Echo' both as a sw reference and i also like the sound) But 30 seconds later I decided to keep Yuki as not to erase the past I've worked hard on.

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

hmmm I've never heard of this line of thought before, that's a good one. I'd say human doing? and contradictorily No to the second question?

Well through the quarantine I've been being a lot and thus taking up 72 hobbies a day. I do feel mandated to equip myself with a lot of skills and I have so many things I want to learn. I think the ideal life will be your career is also your passion, not just something you're good at. I'd like to wake up every day and be excited to get up to work, and it blurs the line between duty and hobby.

You see, I've so many flipping interests I can't really identity myself my the things I do. You'd see bit of a struggle in my tumblr bio. I was good at a bunch of things but never really excels at one. and that has been my biggest personal challenge of late.

6. are you religious/spiritual?

No, I suppose. I'm faithful.

7. do you care about your ethnicity?

Boy, this is a really tricky question to ask a Hong Konger. I feel mandated to, to understand one's roots and ancestors. That's a very Chinese tradition that I don't refuse, among many other. But I don't really wanna drag this on this platform even though this has been a private conversation so far, hmmm, how do I boil this down...

I do like Chinese traditions. I'm glad I'm born in a country rich in both archaeological finds and historical literature. It's easy to be proud of one's heritage like that. Yet contemporary Chinese history is a mess and it's only fair the next generation is allowed to examine it in candidness. 

Furthermore, the Hong Konger is never purely Chinese (say, Chinese in its own provincial difference) We have become our own group despite whatever claims, and however the future. In that, I can tell you, I'm very proud of being at this unique position, absorbing the best and adapting to the forefront from every corner of the world.

All in all, I'd say my ethnicity is an important part of my identity, but not the only part that matters, not even the most dominant part.

8. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

well my lifetime isn't up so that'd be a difficult question to answer. No, I don't really have someone in mind. I'm not a musical person, song or score. 

9. are you an artist?

my my, I wouldn't say I am one but I certainly seem to have the "artist temper". I can't draw to save a life, mostly because I'm too stubborn to actually practice. But I do enjoy doing arts and crafts. 

10. do you have a creed?

That's a heavy question. How about "If everyone just lives by a little more selfish the world will be a better place".

11. describe your ideal day.

Getting loads and loads of work done according to a thorough schedule, then ending on a buffet.

If indoors, lots of drawing and painting and sewing and writing

If outdoors, museums and libraries and thrift stores, plus a little sunny day picnic at the park.

12. dog person or cat person?

bear person

13. inside or outdoors?

indoors

14. are you a musician?

no.

15. five most influential books over your lifetime.

I listed four in question 1 I'll give one more: Cosmos, Carl Sagan

16. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

oh definitely. starting small, my parents are a huge (non-)influence on me for their liberal style. I'll never feel the need to fit in or compared to other children unless I started it. They listen to me (funnily as a child but not so much as a teenager huh). Distinguishingly, took me travel around so I became a perceptive kid. Without all that I'd just, withdraw socially a lot younger.

Kinda discussed in the ethnicity the society I'm raised in. This site makes me aware of racial issues very often so if I'm raised instead in a multi-racial society where I'm not of the dominant skin colour, I'd be more acute to such prejudice.

My school had a big part, but I'm willing to forgive and forget.

17. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?

oh yes. where else can i be fully star wars, talk about animated pixels and be semi-private at the same time.the 80% of me this tumblr show is 100% authentic.

18. what’s your patronus?

what's a patronus??? (the bear bros from we bare bears)

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

i don't do harry potter (slytherin, better, muggle with superior technology)

20. would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?

i don't do those either :p i'm more of a science fantasy person. i like mixed realities. Magic + Technology pew pew pew so Roarahaven and Fowl Manor! but purely fictional universe? tcw gffa duh.

21. do you love easily?

Yes, my heart says yes. 

and my lips sealed

my feet carry me away.

22. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

you mean on a daily basis or a my-whole-life basis?

thinking, reading, tumblr related stuff, eating & cooking, walking around in libraries grabbing books amazed

23. how often would you want to see your family every year?

monthly

24. have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?

yes. that starry night by the chills of the sea breeze. i thought i was gay.

25. could you live as a hermit?

i'll deliver a full report at the end of the current experiment. please expect a hobbit postman.

26. how would you describe your gender/sexuality?

oh my (ace probably)

27. do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

well, i did get excess fat percentage because i don't work out, at all, so fair, i guess.

28. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

not hard at all. just spell or pronounce Ahsoka wrong I'll fistfight you.

29. three songs that you connect with right now.

I was Me. 明年今日. 最佳損友.

30. pick one of your favorite quotes.

The Cosmos is all that is or ever was or ever will be.Our feeblest contemplations of the Cosmos stir us — there is a tingling in the spine, a catch in the voice, a faint sensation of a distant memory, as if we were falling from a great height. 

- Carl Sagan

[post written: 20/11/2020 02:55-03:43]

[nako-doodles]

yes, hello. i am curious. you tagged that jin photo as 哎呀你在干嘛呀? 能不能让上俺休息一下哈? and i speant five minutes trying to read it. 😂😂😂 i'm pretty sure it basically says "what are you doing? can you give me a break?" but,,, i'm not certain so will you please correct me?

you pretty much got it dee! ‘aiya what the fuck do u think ur doing? can’t u let me [rest]?’ i was lamenting about him not giving me a break by being *vague gesticulations* like that.

this is kinda the northern dialect which is why 俺 (an3) (you night also recognize this character as ‘ore’ the self aggrandizing male pronoun for I in Japanese. I know. and y’all wonder my language processing core is a fucking mess) is in place of the standard mandarin 我 (wo3).

this tag is kinda in reference to the series of 小品 (xiao2 pin3) (small comedy sketches or skits for the “””””””lesser educated””””””” masses (typically used for a lower form of propaganda and usually talks about the lives of poorer city folk or villagers to try to make the party seem personable and concerned over their lives) that lasts like....10? 20? minutes) that one of my fave comedians 宋丹丹 (song4 dan1dan) wrote and acted for cctv’s annual 春晚 (chun1 wan3) (the annual concert that all the major tv broadcasting shows hold the eve of Chinese New Year that runs from around dinner time all the way to like 2am?)

ANYWAYS the series of skit? play? comedy sketch? depicted a shrewd old villager elder (played by 宋丹丹) always ready to get ahead and be rich and famous, and her lazy husband (played by 赵本山 zhao4 ben3 shan1 another comedy legend) and it’s all pretty funny. HERE and HERE are my faves. they both have very heavy accents bc usually the heavier the dialect accent the lesser educated and typically more rural or poor the person is so don’t be too discouraged if you can’t understand. (yes the divide between rural and city is very stark and yes there’s discrimination going both ways and yes when I don’t know how the other person will react w my southern accented standard I either resort to cantonese or english) chinese is really just like 7 separate languages that agreed to have one somewhat standard writing system while simultaneously judging each other for their language quirks and really unless ur speaking standard, no one really understands.

[its8simplejulesblog]

Recently I Got a Really Sweet Comment About My Blog

That said that it was so positive and refreshing. Naturally, those words meant a lot to me and everything that everyone has been saying makes me so happy. And yet, I try really hard to make this as real as possible. I know that me constantly throwing optimism at you can probably seem a little fake at times so I wanted to take a moment to show you the other half of my personality that is the cynical and sarcastic side. Sometimes people are just annoying. Sometimes I would rather buzz my head than listen to what some people have to say. It’s naive to think that anyone can go through life happy about every. little. thing. So, I present to you: my pet peeves (dah da da dahhhhh) 

This is in no particular order, because I couldn’t possibly quantify my level of annoyance about certain things. If things are annoying, they’re annoying. There really is no hierarchy. Okay :) Let’s go 

1.) SNORING- Oh. My. God. I need as close to complete silence as possible when I sleep or my brain will explode. Any repetitive sound is my worst nightmare. Snoring, breathing, hitting things with a hammer, white noise, having sex, sneezing multiple times...NO. Every time my family goes on a cruise together or shares a hotel room I either have to be the first one to sleep, be tired enough to really knock out, or I force my parents to use their lil cepap machine things. I remember I went on a UD service trip and all 20 of us were sleeping in the same room (it was a huge room). There was one girl in particular who was one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met that snored like a revving monster truck every single night. There was one night where I got up, despite 19 other people in the room with me, and just quietly sobbed and called my mom at 2am because I really could. not. deal. I couldn’t. 

2.) People that talk really loud in public places that are supposed to be a little bit quiet-I’m talking about places like libraries and cafes that have a certain aesthetic. If I’m over here drinking my coffee and doing my Chinese homework I don’t want to be jolted to death by the reverberations of your screaming and talking about who you got high with at caramel apple phi- I don’t CARE. I think this kind of goes back to #1 where I need to be in a certain headspace to focus and when people intrude on that I instantly get offended haha. 

3.) People that don’t have basic hygiene- Really? Do I really have to remind a 21 year old male to constantly brush his teeth. Apparently. 

4.) People that use the wrong your and there- I don’t know if it’s just me, but there is something attractive about people that put in a basic effort. That’s really what this one is about. I’m definitely harsh on people about it, but you just look smarter if you know what the fuck is going on grammatically. I’m not even kidding this is a standard of mine for someone that I’ll date. 

5.) Having a Degrading Personality- If you have insecurities and you take them out on other people by making them feel and seem lesser you are quite frankly, the scum of the earth. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it for the rest of my life. There is nothing cute and endearing and funny about it. You may earn a temporary reward like a laugh or a friend, but in the end you’ll get kicked in the ass. One prominent example is when one girl will say something to another girl like: “you’re not really talented, you’re just pretty.” SHUT UP. Just because you’re not as cute does not automatically mean you have any right to judge someone else it’s disgusting. There are so many ways to cope with insecurities and you just look so ugly if you bring other people into your issues. 

6.) People that say basic things like “Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk’ or “Yeehaw” or “Yeet”- This is me...I do this...but STILL 

7.) People that think not taking school seriously is cool 

8.) People that call you out when you leave them on read- Leave me alone 

9.) People that are cocky, rather than a healthy amount of confident 

10.) *Unpopular Opinion* When people crack their backs or fingers or..anything- I really cringe at this, I think it’s gross

11.) Ice in water- It can go in soda and lemonade and tea, but not water 

12.) Playing the victim- Ha. Ha. Need I say more? The world does not revolve around you. It does not cater to you. In everything you do, you make an impact. You are always held accountable for one thing or another OOOO I could go on and on. 

13.) Being hypocritical- Just say what you mean and mean what you say.

14.) Littering- Clearly the earth is a hot mess right now. The last thing she needs is your negligence. Thanks 

15.) Ignorance- I especially mean when people have no desire to learn more about a topic. Don’t even ACT like you can have a/debate/discussion with me if your argument is one sided. I feel like this is something they teach you in english/writing class in THIRD GRADE. You truly can’t contribute anything if you don’t even try to investigate from every angle. This goes for politics, social, religious, etc. 

16.) Pushovers- The more I grow into myself, the more I’m frustrated by people who can’t stand up for themselves. Of course this is situational, but I just mean in everyday, normal situations. Please GOD just have an opinion about things. 

17.) People who don’t use turn signals- I have ridiculous road rage..it’s pretty bad. If I don’t yell at at least one person while driving somewhere, check my temperature. 

18.) People that are always on their phones/laptops and never paying attention to you

19.) People that openly share their disgust with you about foods- I eat everything (except zucchini when it’s not in zoodle form), so just know that if you say “ewwww” or “gross” to something I’m eating I will without a doubt be sure to always eat it in front of you for the rest of my life. I especially like doing that with seafood. Seafood is my favorite kind of food (after Applebees) and everyone always makes a scene out of people that eat shellfish. I eat mussels like a mad italian grandma. Leave me in peace to enjoy what I likeeeee

20.) And finally, the killer: Instagram and Snapchat Bingo 

Please Stop With That ;)

-Julia 

[sanctum-of-fantasy]

2/3 for Prompt Celebration, maybe a Rhadamanthys/Gordon with 6 and 38? :O

6 - In bed at 2am, blissfully drowsy 

38 - “You just feel really good. Soft and warm…”

This took a while but I’m quite happy with the result! It was nice to work with Specters for a change and to build up Gordon as his own character. Here’s Rhadamanthys and Gordon talking late into the night and being emotional.

Rhadamanthys was not as heartless as people assumed him tobe. When one had lived as many lifetimes as he had, witnessing history in allits glory and horror, the decision to allow their heart to make decisionsbecame pointless and led to more pain. His position did not allow for suchluxuries either, to judge a soul fully meant to break down a person to theirrawest form. As a General he could not allow himself to indulge in concern forall his soldiers all the time, no, they knew exactly what was expected of them.But as a man who lived, loved and lost, he could not deny the simple joyof speaking to others who he found pleasant enough. Rare as those people mightbe, he had the fortune of knowing some and being close to them.

Which was enough to lure him out of his office in the Caina andup into Castle Heinstein, down the dark halls, searching out for one person.His lieutenant, ever dutiful Harpy Valentine, was guarding his prison, two ofhis younger Specters, Queen and Sylphid, had been ordered to the surface. ButGordon was around, having just reported back a day ago and the Specter thatbare the Minotaur Surplice was a sensible man for that matter.

True Valentine was his confidant, had been for since thebeginning, he tended to be far more agreeable with him, rarely going againsthis word. But Gordon offered a different perspective of things; he looked at adifferent angle, spotted a small detail that he had overlooked or offered amindset he had not considered and wasn’t afraid to voice his opinion onsomething. Truly his brawn and brain were equal, and this was part of whyRhadamanthys valued the man. Right now however, he simply wished to speak tosomeone that wasn’t one of his brothers or Pandora.

He paused for a second to check the time on an oldgrandfather clock, just about midnight. Being down in the Underworld for longperiods tended to destroy what sense of time someone had, and he found himselfhaving to every time he had returned to the land of the living. Though withthat matter taken care of he returned to his search for Gordon, sure the otherSpecter was conscious at this hour.

Even before he awoke as a Specter, Gordon had once told himhe tended be more of the nocturnal sort. He acknowledged that trait andunderstood it to a degree, the day was filled with business and little time toone’s self, the night still offered that peace. And damn if the days of thislifetime weren’t constantly busy for him, Specterhood or not.

Rhadamanthys felt his mouth twitch into a slight smile as hestopped at the door that led to Gordon’s surface quarters and was about speakwhen he heard a clear “Enter.” Course Gordon had sensed him approaching, nobeing with awakened cosmo would be foolish enough not to.

“Gordon” He spoke as he opened the door and shut it behindhim “I would say good evening though hour says good morning would be moreappropriate.”

Minotaur Gordon chuckled as he shut the book he had beenreading and pushed it on to the side table. “Good morning seems strange,considering how dark it still is. What brings you here? Business or leisure?”he said.

“Leisure, for once” Rhadamanthys answered, nodding as theother gestured for him to sit on the couch by the fire. “And what of you? Foundsomething interesting to read or no mind for sleep tonight?”

“In truth, I was beginningto think about heading to bed but for you? I can always make some time” Gordonsaid, nodding and offering a simple smile.

‘Ah Gordon how those words bring me such peace’ Rhadamanthysthought, settling against the back of the couch, resting one arm against aside, eyeing the stack of books that covered the table. “Those look new” Hespoke, gesturing to the stack, the spines showed no wore or breakage.

“I was curious about what works humanity had created sincemy last lifetime” Gordon answered, tapping the book he had just put down. “Someof them are interesting, the subjects they cover are used quite well. I’ve evenfound a fantasy series that was enjoyable enough.”

“Fantasy? And here I thought you disliked that genre” Rhadamanthyschuckled, crossing one leg over the other as he settled in to relax.

Gordon simply tilted his head and offered a small smile “Tolkien’sworld is surprisingly complex. You should read it my Lord; you might enjoy it.”

“I’ll consider it, if you wouldn’t mind lending me itsometime” He replied. Fantasy was one thing he could never understand; suchthings were for children and younger souls. What many would consider ‘fantasy’he called his reality. Tales of terrible beasts, evil kings and queens,adventures into strange and magical places. All of these things and more he hadseen with his eyes in one lifetime or another. By the gods, he was first bornin the age of myths! He was considered a myth himself.

“I wouldn’t, I trust you with books unlike some peopleI know” Gordon stood, gesturing with one hand as he headed to a cabinet tuckedinto a corner. “The last time I let Queen borrow one of mine, I lost it forseveral weeks and had to wrestle a group of vines to get it back.”

A deep noise shook in Rhadamanthys’ chest as he shut hiseyes and tried to hold back a grin. He had experienced that before, especiallywhen he neared the younger Specter’s usual training spot. It had been worsewhen he first joined their ranks and was just understanding his new powers. Evennow, one had to be careful walking past Queen’s room, or they might trip over aroot or two.

“Would you like a drink? I have some new cognac, haven’topened it yet” Gordon spoke up, leaning away from the cabinet, looking backtowards him.

“Cognac? French right?” Rhadamanthys asked. Gordon didn’tdrink often and preferred lighter things, most of the things he kept in hisroom were usually for his visitors. As for himself, rarely did he drink and nevermore than a single glass. He preferred not to fog his mind and lose his meals.

“I was recommended it by the Cu Sith. It’s too bitter for me”Was the answer he received from Gordon.

“Cu Sith is under the Garuda’s wing, you’ve been talking tohim?” Rhadamanthys rose a brow. Many of his soldiers preferred not to interactwith the other divisions, for various reasons. Distrust, dislike, differing opinionsor previous misgivings kept the groups of the Wyvern, Griffon and Garuda apart.He was indifferent to it, there was little reason for him to interact with theSpecters under his brothers. As for his brothers themselves, he dealt with themenough as it was.

That was one the negative aspects of being a judge.

Gordon shrugged “He’s an agreeable enough fellow, I enjoyour talks when I come across him. Besides, our ranks shouldn’t be so divided. Weshare our duties, experiences with each war and lifetime. Look where such actionshave left the Saints, between the backstabbing and disloyalty to their ownGoddess.”

He couldn’t disagree with that, within the last two wars,countless Saints had been sent through the halls for judgement. The moreparticular ones were those who died at the hands of their own. He was remindedof the Gemini of the past, more recently the Pope and a SagittariusSaint, whom they still could not find the soul of. Even the training groundsbelonging to the Saints had experienced a sharp increase in the souls lostthere.

That had been especially strange to learn, puzzling him and hisbrothers as Lune and the other record keeping Specters kept returning to themwith stacks of books. He had been working on figuring out that situationbefore he decided to take a break.

“My Lord? Is there something wrong?” Gordon asked, breakinghim out of his thoughts and back to the present.

Rhadamanthys rubbed at his eyes and shook his head “No, nojust pondering about something. You have a point regarding the others and theSaints. We should not let ourselves fall to such a pitiful standard as them. Isthat drink still an option?”

Gordon, who bore an expression of concern slowly relaxedbefore nodding. “Shall I try and distract your mind for a while then?”

“Please, I find myself needing that more than I expected.Tell me, what exactly have you been reading? You told me of one but what of itand the rest?” he spoke.

This is what bought him peace, simple interaction betweenhim and those he trusted. No talk of wars, of battles on the horizons, souls orwork to be done. The sound of a crackling fire, pages being flicked through,the toast of glass and gentle speaking. Here he was able to lower his guard, torelax from his positions as general and Judge. A luxury he could not affordoften but savored each time.

Gordon, ever respectful and open-minded spoke to him, voice lightas he discussed certain sections of one book or bits of, he enjoyed of another.The fantasy novel he mentioned before came back up in topic and he couldn’thelp but chuckle at the fact some mortal had learned of the existence ofbalrogs and great eagles.

***

“My lord, might I make a request” Gordon spoke, drawlingRhadamanthys’ attention away from a book.

The Minotaur stood at his full height, a solemn expression uponhis face as he looked to him, looking fierce against the light of the fire.

“Yes Gordon?” He questioned, setting the book aside andplacing both legs on the ground. A request? It wasn’t unheard of for his eliteguard to make such things, although very rarely. Often, they were simplethings, permission to journey up or leave the Caina or Castle Heinstein. Thoughas far as his memory could recall clearly, Gordon hardly requested much. Wassomething troubling him?

The other opened his mouth to speak before he shut it andshook his head. He stepped towards, slowly as if he wasn’t sure of his footingor what he was doing. Tension began to build between Rhadamanthys shoulders ashe frowned, he lifted a hand to signal Gordon to stop as the other moveddirectly in front of him.

His motion was halted as Gordon dropped on to his knees andcupped his face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together. Rhadamanthysstraightened his back, eyes widening and feeling his breath leave him as theother spoke.

“Please my lord, whatever happens in this war, do not letit ruin you. We-I-I could bear to see you go such tortureagain.”

His hand twitched the air, unsure of what to do, his bodycould not decide on what to do for that matter. “What?” Was all he managed tosay, a single word spoken with little breath. Torture? What was he referringto?

“In the last war, you were given some of our king’s ichorand it…and it nearly destroyed you” Gordon explained, pressing a handagainst his chest, Rhadamanthys could feel his own heartbeat. “In all the chaosthat happened, we feared we nearly lost you. Me, Queen, Sylphid and Valentine.To live and fight without you was so unimaginable.”

He could feel his own heartbeat still. The bitter, halfformed memories of pain in his chest, of betrayal and lies had come to him oncealready in this life. Oh how that rage had burned hotter than any fire,any star or any attack by an enemy. The wyvern within had truly roared that dayand the fallout had been bloody.

How did Gordon know though? How did the others know? Hadsomeone told them? His memory of then and after was spotted, blurred and dark.All he remembered was a painting and agony.

Rhadamanthys blinked, dropping his hand on top of Gordon’shead, leaning against him some. “You know I cannot promise that fully” hewhispered, throat feeling tight for some reason. Some unknown emotion hadstirred within.

“I know my lord; we are at war and such things are luxury”Gordon nodded, moving away just slightly, hands still holding Rhadamanthys faceand rubbing his thumbs into his cheeks.

“Forgive me, I am overstepping my place” He said, standing thenand stepping back from his judge, head tilted down “Perhaps I am more tiredthan expected sir, pray don’t mind my ramblings”.

“Ramblings?” Rhadamanthys snapped his head up, moving swiftlyto his feet, heart beating quicker. “I would hardly consider concern tobe rambling. Gordon, long have I always considered your council, your wisdom,that has and will not change.” His word stuck something with the other,as he tilted his head up and opened his mouth to speak something, some excuse.

“I cannot promise that I will not suffer in this new war…butI can try and return to you and the others each time I am summoned away” Hespoke, each word feeling heavy and light at once. How could he possibly denythose so loyal to him this one thing? Even after so much time, war and tragedy,they still give him their best, their hearts and more. “And I only ask the sameof you and the others” He whispered, just loud enough for Gordon to hear.

Gordon made a sound, somewhere between a choke and sob, sorare from a Specter, even more rare from him. “Of course my lord, always” he answered,voice hoarse as he spoke those words.

He glanced, taking note of the time from the clock on themantle, 2 am, time had flown by as they spoke. “Shall we turn in for the night?Tired minds never bode well” and although they did not need sleep, restingtheir minds did relax them.

“You would stay then?” Gordon asked, looking at him withwide, hopeful eyes.

Rhadamanthys bowed his head “As long as you would have me,that is.” And he partly considered the chance of spending the night, leavinghis armor in his quarters within the Caina and came to Gordon dressed in plainclothes.

“Oh my Lord, you are always welcome with me, no matter what.”

And with that, Gordon tucked his hair into a braid, they puttheir glasses away, put out the fire and crawled into the bed. They had donethis plenty of times before, moving into positions that were comfortable forthem with ease. Rhadamanthys settled onto his back as Gordon moved to lie besidehim. The Minotaur Specter bought a hand to soothe back Rhadamanthys’ hair andpulled him closer, a motion he returned.

“Feeling affectionate we are?” Rhadamanthys smirked,watching Gordon shut his eyes and smile back.

“You just feel really good. Soft and warm…” He replied.

Soft and warm were never words he was used to hearing whenthey were describing him. He was used to rough, harsh, coarse and such, only a fewdared to use soft and warm. Gordon just happened to one of thosebrave souls. And in private he could not help but relax as the other spoke them.Time had hardened him but those he trusted kept him from becoming hollow.

“You are quite soft yourself Gordon” He chuckled, pressing akiss onto his lips as he pulled the other closer. For a few hours they couldstay like this, a mess of limbs and comforting warmth. After all, wyvernsprotected the things they treasured.

[singingunderthecurtain]

Favorite Fics I

To be honest with you all, I probably read all these people’s writings already and I’m just gonna link some of my faves here. Don’t get me wrong all their pieces are my fave, but when I say fave I meant fics that made me feel feelings and/or made me cry like a fuckin’ bitch, so yeah.  😂😂😂

Here goes nothing!  😅😅😅

@soobadnoonecanstopher

Lori is the first EXO fic author I actually loved since joining the fandom last year. I remember I found her on AFF lmfao (Also before reading her DKS fics, I only see him as my son. Now I blame her because I get thirsty for Kyungsoo now!!!)

MASTERLIST

Daisy (DKS) - God fuckin damn this ruined Kyungsoo for me (in a good way of course lol)

All His (DKS) - After reading about the SNS/Facebook part, I immediately checked my FB account and privated my thirsty posts about Junmyeon. Lmfao you know just in case he checks my FB for some reason looool

The Price of Privilege (D.O.)

I Give Up (BBH) - Who doesn’t like IGU, amiright? ;)

2AM (KMS) - This fuels my Minseok feels every time I read it.

Just Regular Stuff (KJM) - First EXO smut I ever read. It was hard to read this at first because I was an EXO smut Virgin and Suho is my bias and just… I felt like a pre-teen who accidentally found and watched porn for the first time!!!

The Crisis (KJM feat DKS)

@enaasteria

For some reason, her writing style is… aesthetically pleasing. Lol idk how to describe it!!!

MASTERLIST

Apartment 5108 (OSH) - I wasn’t actually planning on reading this because it has a lot of chapters lmfao (Don’t judge me, I have a phase where I only wanna read oneshots. But I looove reading long series now!!!) But I’m glad I read it because holy fucking shit, this fic speaks to me in all levels (e.g hiding scars, unrequited love etc) Also the number 1, 5, and 8 are very significant to me. I always see it everywhere so this fic piqued my curiosity.

Red (OSH)

@pcyxiukai

MASTERLIST

Sex (KMS)

The Audacity of Kim Junmyeon (KJM feat. PCY) - THIS FIC SRSLY!!!

Allegiance (BBH)

@8bityeol

I’ve probably read through her masterlist a lot of times hahaha.

MASTERLIST

Who Are You (PCY) - I really ship M and Happiness Delight hahahah

Two People (BBH) - This made me super fucking sad, tbh

Regrets At 11 PM (DKS)

Audiophile Series (DKS) - I’d actually die if my fave audio porn artist is my neighbor and jerk off to the idea of me. AAAAAHHHHH

Boundaries (ZYX) - I love me some 10 years older Daddies tbh XD Also my friend said this is the first Daddy!Yixing fic she read ‘cause he’s a sweetie pie in every yx fics there is, I think lol.

Forget Me (OSH) - I love Modern Royal AUs and this is fucking sad, made me emo.

A Conflict In Interest (KMS) - The beginning was so angsty, it made my skin tingle so bad hahaha.

The Etymology Of Us (PCY)

Antonym (KJD)

The Problem (DKS)

@xiubaek13

MASTERLIST

Lost in Translation (OT9) - As an English teacher, this shit… THIS AWESOME SHIT IS MY FANTASY!!! lol

Not much of a Sex God (BBH)

Keep it Casual (ZYX/OSH)- ANGST FUELS ME!!!

@forexcapism

I found ‘Reticent’ & ‘The Other Woman’ and goddamn I was like ‘This writer is so good’ so I checked her out and I was right, she’s really, really good. I think I read through her masterlist in less than an hour lmfao.

MASTERLIST

Playboy (OSH) - This one fucced me up real good ahahah

I’m Here (DKS) - This srsly scared me :((( lol

Oh My Baby (PCY) - I love babies and I love EXO and it’s both also ANGST!!!

The Other Woman (KJD) - I’ve always wanted to write about the POV of the other girl and I found this and it captures my idea very well and I cried because of the damn angst!!!

Tripartite (KJD) - FUCK! (sorry for cursing lol) I really felt OC’s emotions here and damn idk, it’s just… that good!!!

Reticent (BBH) - Another one of her fics that made me really sad and feely haahaha.

Bloodlust (BBH) - First Vampire AU I read ever and daaaaaamn!!! ❤️

EXO Monster!AU (OT9)

Retrograde (KMS) 

Scars (OSH/DKS)

@writings-by-cl

Found her because of the Fat Fiction Series ❤️❤️❤️ (btw I have yet to go through her Bigbang list hehe)

MASTERLIST

Raising the Standards (KJM)

Monster (BBH) 

Addicted to Mashmallow (WYF) - All I can say is three F’s; Fluffy, Funny and Fantastic!

Eyes on the Prize (KJD/BBH/ZYX/KMS) - An orgy with Jongdae, Baekhyun, Minseok, and Yixing? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!!!

Saudade é um suéter (OSH)

@3kpop2jagi1

MASTERLIST

Higher (KJM) - CAN I JUST…

Caffeine (KJD) - ASKASKSAKAS tbh with you

Higher x Caffeine (KJM/KJD) - /DEAD

If We’re Happy (BBH)

How Bad Could He Be | He’s Not So Bad (KJD)

If to Please (DKS/KJI/OSH) - THIS FUCKED ME UP!!!

Again | Anew (KJI)

The Towel Story (OSH) - For some reason I find this a little angsty at the beginning haha

@nowblowitlikeaxiu

MASTERLIST

Ka-ching |  Girl Problems | Make Daddy Proud | Misadventures (KMS)

Long Night (ZYX) - So, so, so cute!

She Call Me (OSH) - The last part made me choke on my bread (I was eating bread the time I was reading this!!!)

@peachykaix

To be honest, though, all the stuff she has written so far… I love it all!!! So I guess just click her masterlist. REALLY LOVE HER WRITING STYLE. Very detailed, but not boring at all. I’m calling her the ANGST QUEEN!

MASTERLIST

@fairyyeols​

MASTERLIST

A Star Like Her (DKS)

Made Of Memories (BBH)

Heaven (KJI)

Eden (DKS)

>MASTERLIST< >MAIN BLOG<

[mayardsale]

from readcarefully on Literotica

Hot & Cold

We met at his restaurant’s opening night. We went out a year later. We were married a year after that. We fought the entire time. His food was his real passion and that became a problem. I tried everything in my arsenal to get him to see to my needs, but I simply ran out of tricks. Had I known we weren’t sexually compatible in the beginning, I probably would have ran. I’m no nymphomaniac, but I can become very irritable if I don’t get my itch scratched regularly. Now, my ‘regularly’ is just once a week. I never had a boyfriend that grimaced at that request. That is, unless he wanted more. That first year, the restaurant was our life. The food was amazing, but the business was a monster. From getting fresh ingredients from Peru to keeping the celebrity guest list balanced, it was a 25 hour a day job. He had no time to sleep and I was just learning why I needed two forks for dinner. We were always short with each other, but always as partners. He admitted that he never had a better cheerleader, teammate, or coach - and they were now all the same person. We’d be on the edge of a relationship eruption until about every three months - about the time the new menus were completed - when we’d do the deed. Prior to that, our passing connections might be a morning handjob in the shower or a quickie after he got home at 2AM. Those were always instigated by me, hoping it would lead to more. But right after the new menus were complete, he’d take the next day off and we’d end up scaring the neighbors. His dick has a girth that needs practice to handle, so once every 90 days didn’t give me much preparation. When he’d fuck me from behind I would get so loud he’d have to stuff my face into the pillow. It was amazing. Every 90 days. At first the restaurant was an easy excuse and I was blessed to have such a wonderful partner. My pussy and I would remain somewhat satisfied with the post-menu episode, my box of toys, and my variable speed massage showerhead. Occasionally I’d throw myself onto him and get my rocks off, but he wouldn’t cum, no matter how much I tried. At first I thought I was doing something wrong. Then I simply got what I needed and that was that. After awhile, that began to make me feel worse - like taking someone to a movie hoping they’ll like it with you, even though they’ve seen it a dozen times already. The guilt of selfishness sours the moment. After a year of the physical and mental denial, the questions in my head began to pop up. “Was he cheating on me?” “Is he gay?” “Am I not attractive?” “Had he been molested as a child?” We had a very open and continuous dialogue about our lack of sex, but it was his sister who kept me from being stupid. “Everyone in our family had the same questions because every girlfriend had the same problem you’re having. They all solved it the same way: they cheated on him,” she explained at lunch. “He just doesn’t have the same sex drive as most men. We assumed that if you were happy with him, then you must have a similar sex drive?” she questioned with hope, not wanting to see her brother’s heart crushed. So I lied to her. And a little to myself. I thought I could power through. I was wrong. Worst year of my life. I was a constant bitch. The only positive that came from my uncared pussy was my law firm’s client list. Opposing attorneys and judges were afraid of me. My partners were too. I was prepared to end it all after he opened the third restaurant. I waited up for him at the end of the first week and demanded that he fuck me against the island in the kitchen or I was leaving him. I was butt naked and dead serious. He simply sat down next to me on a bar stool and said, “I have another option.” He pulled out his phone and sent an address to a website for escorts to my phone. “I checked out the reviews and the ladies sound satisfied. I could fuck you now, but you’ll want more soon enough. I only want you to be as happy as I am every time I think of us. It kills me to know that you can’t have everything you want when I have it all. I’m good with it if you are too,” he finished, as I looked at the website on my phone. He kissed me on the forehead and headed upstairs. Then and there I looked at the website - naked and in shock - as he went to bed. The website was as vague as it was simple. If you didn’t know any better, they could have been selling time shares in the Carribean. Between the lines, however, were companionship and dick. I joined him in bed two hours later, still naked and in shock. He was wide awake. “I can’t do it on my own,” I started. “You don’t have to be involved, but I have to be able to talk to you about it. I can’t have a separate life from my best friend. I can’t do that.” “I think I can handle that,” he agreed. For a month I shopped for my first escort. I exchanged notes only to be more frustrated than I was before. All of the escorts seemed sweet, but not my type. “Please fuck somebody already,” was my husband’s advice. “You don’t have to marry him.” He was just as anxious to see if this would work as I was, though he appeared more relaxed about it. So I responded to the first letter in my inbox and scheduled an appointment. The hotel I chose was nondescript in every way. I was there to get dick, not have an affair. Clean and relatively close to work was all I needed in my hotel and my escort. When I got to the room, he was already in the shower. His suit, shirt, and tie were neatly laid out and his shoes were under the desk. “Very humid day today,” he shouted from the shower after he heard the door shut. “Out in a minute.” His French accent was a surprise, but everything else was exactly as his bio explained - 6'2", 190, 8". Entering the room with no towel was rude and exactly what I needed. “Good afternoon,” he greeted me as his freshly manicured dick swung heavy. “How would you like to begin?” **** That evening I stayed awake until well after the restaurant closed. That afternoon, I texted my husband to let him know I’d safely returned to work after my lunch date, but that was the end of our communication. I wanted to talk about the episode in person. “Sorry I’m late,” he said as he came into our room. “Crazy night.” “Crazy day,” I responded wearing the biggest smile I’d worn in months. He paused. Then smiled, knowing I was eager to share my day with him. “Please tell me about this afternoon’s workout and don’t leave out a single detail. I’ve honestly been conflicted about the idea of you fucking someone else until seeing your face right now. I didn’t know if I’d be jealous or heartbroken. I’m not really either because I haven’t seen you this happy in a long fucking time,” he said as though he was proud of me. Proud of us. “Well, I honestly didn’t know what to expect,” I started. “He asked me what I wanted and I told him, I guess. I wasn’t comfortable looking him in the face, so I let him fuck me from behind.” I paused and waited to see my husband’s response. Would he be jealous, confused, turned on? “And?” he questioned with an interest similar to how my day at work was or what I bought at the grocery store. “I let him caress my back while I leaned against the couch until my pussy began to moisten,” I started over. “He took off my blouse and skirt, but left my heels and underwear on. I could feel him kneel behind me as he shifted my thong to the side enough to slide his tongue along my asshole and his index finger into my pussy. "Looking down between my legs I could see him stroking his dick until it was rock hard,” I continued as my husband began to undress. “At some point I heard the condom wrapper tear and I knew he would be inside me. I leaned further over the couch, glancing back just to see the condom wrapped dick approach my pussy. He entered me slowly with one hand on my back and the other hand hand on my thigh. We rocked slowly at first until all of his dick was comfortably inside me. "He rubbed my back and thrusted with care for a minute or so, but I needed more. I began to fuck his dick as fast my hips would allow and I came as fast as I could,” I said, never losing eye contact. “And?” he questioned, knowing I typically need more. “I gathered myself, spun around, ripped off the condom, took another condom from the couch, put it on his dick, leaned back over the couch and told him 'Next hole, please’ without taking a breath,” I said. “He repeated the last act, only this time in my asshole and I paid him with a nice tip.” “Okay,” my husband replied, now in his standard shorts and t-shirt. “Next appointment?” “Two weeks. Not sure if I should stay with the same guy or keep it fresh,” I answered as though I were scheduling a manicure. “This is all very new to me.” “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy,” he said with a genuine sense of joy as though the problem of a lifetime had been solved and the love of his life had been recaptured. “Get some sleep. You’ve earned it.” We turned off the lights and held each other as though we’d just had sex. And I realized that this was what I needed more than the sex. Our tension had eaten us alive and we needed this release. It wasn’t the lack of sex, it was our inability to understand each other’s feelings around sex. I know it wasn’t about the sex. Because I never fucked that French escort or the countless other guys I had to invent to fulfill our new pact. I took one look at that escort’s dick and realized that I really needed the trust from my husband that my pussy was an equal player in our relationship. That’s what eased my tension. I knew that the moment my escort stepped out of the bathroom. I needed the confirmation and my husband needed to know that I will always be satisfied in our relationship. That’s why I keep making up new escorts, though the activity remains identical. That way I don’t have to remember all of the lies. All I really needed that day was his full trust. Actually, that and the new double-penetration, wireless vibrator I test drove the minute I got home from work. That French accent was hot!

[mayardsale]

We met at his restaurant's opening night. We went out a year later. We were married a year after that. We fought the entire time. His food was his real passion and that became a problem. I tried everything in my arsenal to get him to see to my needs, but I simply ran out of tricks. Had I known we weren't sexually compatible in the beginning, I probably would have ran. I'm no nymphomaniac, but I can become very irritable if I don't get my itch scratched regularly. Now, my 'regularly' is just once a week. I never had a boyfriend that grimaced at that request. That is, unless he wanted more. That first year, the restaurant was our life. The food was amazing, but the business was a monster. From getting fresh ingredients from Peru to keeping the celebrity guest list balanced, it was a 25 hour a day job. He had no time to sleep and I was just learning why I needed two forks for dinner. We were always short with each other, but always as partners. He admitted that he never had a better cheerleader, teammate, or coach - and they were now all the same person. We'd be on the edge of a relationship eruption until about every three months - about the time the new menus were completed - when we'd do the deed. Prior to that, our passing connections might be a morning handjob in the shower or a quickie after he got home at 2AM. Those were always instigated by me, hoping it would lead to more. But right after the new menus were complete, he'd take the next day off and we'd end up scaring the neighbors. His dick has a girth that needs practice to handle, so once every 90 days didn't give me much preparation. When he'd fuck me from behind I would get so loud he'd have to stuff my face into the pillow. It was amazing. Every 90 days. At first the restaurant was an easy excuse and I was blessed to have such a wonderful partner. My pussy and I would remain somewhat satisfied with the post-menu episode, my box of toys, and my variable speed massage showerhead. Occasionally I'd throw myself onto him and get my rocks off, but he wouldn't cum, no matter how much I tried. At first I thought I was doing something wrong. Then I simply got what I needed and that was that. After awhile, that began to make me feel worse - like taking someone to a movie hoping they'll like it with you, even though they've seen it a dozen times already. The guilt of selfishness sours the moment. After a year of the physical and mental denial, the questions in my head began to pop up. "Was he cheating on me?" "Is he gay?" "Am I not attractive?" "Had he been molested as a child?" We had a very open and continuous dialogue about our lack of sex, but it was his sister who kept me from being stupid. "Everyone in our family had the same questions because every girlfriend had the same problem you're having. They all solved it the same way: they cheated on him," she explained at lunch. "He just doesn't have the same sex drive as most men. We assumed that if you were happy with him, then you must have a similar sex drive?" she questioned with hope, not wanting to see her brother's heart crushed. So I lied to her. And a little to myself. I thought I could power through. I was wrong. Worst year of my life. I was a constant bitch. The only positive that came from my uncared pussy was my law firm's client list. Opposing attorneys and judges were afraid of me. My partners were too. I was prepared to end it all after he opened the third restaurant. I waited up for him at the end of the first week and demanded that he fuck me against the island in the kitchen or I was leaving him. I was butt naked and dead serious. He simply sat down next to me on a bar stool and said, "I have another option." He pulled out his phone and sent an address to a website for escorts to my phone. "I checked out the reviews and the ladies sound satisfied. I could fuck you now, but you'll want more soon enough. I only want you to be as happy as I am every time I think of us. It kills me to know that you can't have everything you want when I have it all. I'm good with it if you are too," he finished, as I looked at the website on my phone. He kissed me on the forehead and headed upstairs. Then and there I looked at the website - naked and in shock - as he went to bed. The website was as vague as it was simple. If you didn't know any better, they could have been selling time shares in the Carribean. Between the lines, however, were companionship and dick. I joined him in bed two hours later, still naked and in shock. He was wide awake. "I can't do it on my own," I started. "You don't have to be involved, but I have to be able to talk to you about it. I can't have a separate life from my best friend. I can't do that." "I think I can handle that," he agreed. For a month I shopped for my first escort. I exchanged notes only to be more frustrated than I was before. All of the escorts seemed sweet, but not my type. "Please fuck somebody already," was my husband's advice. "You don't have to marry him." He was just as anxious to see if this would work as I was, though he appeared more relaxed about it. So I responded to the first letter in my inbox and scheduled an appointment. The hotel I chose was nondescript in every way. I was there to get dick, not have an affair. Clean and relatively close to work was all I needed in my hotel and my escort. When I got to the room, he was already in the shower. His suit, shirt, and tie were neatly laid out and his shoes were under the desk. "Very humid day today," he shouted from the shower after he heard the door shut. "Out in a minute." His French accent was a surprise, but everything else was exactly as his bio explained - 6'2", 190, 8". Entering the room with no towel was rude and exactly what I needed. "Good afternoon," he greeted me as his freshly manicured dick swung heavy. "How would you like begin?" **** That evening I stayed awake until well after the restaurant closed. That afternoon, I texted my husband to let him know I'd safely returned to work after my lunch date, but that was the end of our communication. I wanted to talk about the episode in person. "Sorry I'm late," he said as he came into our room. "Crazy night." "Crazy day," I responded wearing the biggest smile I'd worn in months. He paused. Then smiled, knowing I was eager to share my day with him. "Please tell me about this afternoon's workout and don't leave out a single detail. I've honestly been conflicted about the idea of you fucking someone else until seeing your face right now. I didn't know if I'd be jealous or heartbroken. I'm not really either because I haven't seen you this happy in a long fucking time," he said as though he was proud of me. Proud of us. "Well, I honestly didn't know what to expect," I started. "He asked me what I wanted and I told him, I guess. I wasn't comfortable looking him in the face, so I let him fuck me from behind." I paused and waited to see my husband's response. Would he be jealous, confused, turned on? "And?" he questioned with an interest similar to how my day at work was or what I bought at the grocery store. "I let him caress my back while I leaned against the couch until my pussy began to moisten," I started over. "He took off my blouse and skirt, but left my heels and underwear on. I could feel him kneel behind me as he shifted my thong to the side enough to slide his tongue along my asshole and his index finger into my pussy. "Looking down between my legs I could see him stroking his dick until it was rock hard," I continued as my husband began to undress. "At some point I heard the condom wrapper tear and I knew he would be inside me. I leaned further over the couch, glancing back just to see the condom wrapped dick approach my pussy. He entered me slowly with one hand on my back and the other hand hand on my thigh. We rocked slowly at first until all of his dick was comfortably inside me. "He rubbed my back and thrusted with care for a minute or so, but I needed more. I began to fuck his dick as fast my hips would allow and I came as fast as I could," I said, never losing eye contact. "And?" he questioned, knowing I typically need more. "I gathered myself, spun around, ripped off the condom, took another condom from the couch, put it on his dick, leaned back over the couch and told him 'Next hole, please' without taking a breath," I said. "He repeated the last act, only this time in my asshole and I paid him with a nice tip." "Okay," my husband replied, now in his standard shorts and t-shirt. "Next appointment?" "Two weeks. Not sure if I should stay with the same guy or keep it fresh," I answered as though I were scheduling a manicure. "This is all very new to me." "As long as you're happy, I'm happy," he said with a genuine sense of joy as though the problem of a lifetime had been solved and the love of his life had been recaptured. "Get some sleep. You've earned it." We turned off the lights and held each other as though we'd just had sex. And I realized that this was what I needed more than the sex. Our tension had eaten us alive and we needed this release. It wasn't the lack of sex, it was our inability to understand each other's feelings around sex. I know it wasn't about the sex. Because I never fucked that French escort or the countless other guys I had to invent to fulfill our new pact. I took one look at that escort's dick and realized that I really needed the trust from my husband that my pussy was an equal player in our relationship. That's what eased my tension. I knew that the moment my escort stepped out of the bathroom. I needed the confirmation and my husband needed to know that I will always be satisfied in our relationship. That's why I keep making up new escorts, though the activity remains identical. That way I don't have to remember all of the lies. All I really needed that day was his full trust. Actually, that and the new double-penetration, wireless vibrator I test drove the minute I got home from work. That French accent was hot!