#plus ive said words that should get me sussed off of here already so theres really no point but whatever im attched to thus blog

[txicgf]

ok but low-key the idea of commit die via cop is kind of so sexy to me. like id never (maybe) but it's like............ a foolproof way without me having to pull the trigger myself . like it's fucked up like really fucked up and maybe this is the sleep deprivation talking but y'know i have had my list of ""methods"" since i was a wee little girl but i TOTALLY forgot about that way. and now it's like #2 on my list lmao

#1 is deth via mixing benzos+opiates+alkyhol but idk maybe im keeping my actual #1 spot for whatever i actually decide to do when i do it, but that was the plan since i was little up until earlier this year when everything happened with family member od so now it just reminds me of that and makes me sad and knowing that HE literally did actually die even if he survived was absolutely a very sobering thought and reality check about my sewerslidal ideation so very very very less inclined to do it now in that way .

the other method i think would be easy would be electrocution although i worry i don't know enough about how electrocution works to say anything about the pain levels but I've been thinking about it a lot recently ..... like

im NOT actively gonna do any of these things anytime soon but. y'know it's hard to unlearn habits you're used to such as: planning your own death . LMAO but it's not like im gonna do any of these soon, like obviously one day because that's the only way im going to let myself pass, like i absolutely am going to do it even if it's not now or any time before may 27, 2031 but i AM going to do it. i just also love to meticulously plan and give myself the time to see if maybe i wanna get better bc im mentally ill but there's a level of awareness i have about it and also honestly im so used to this that im not even sure if i actually want to or if the ideation is a coping mechanism because thinking about it feels like a way out and makes me feel better but at the same time like. yeah i have a brain, and that ideas a lil fucked up idk i lost my train of thought a little bit about this paragraph.

idk anyways what i was originally talking about. like ok im not particularly intimidating so id have to act fucking bonkers or have weapons, id never ever ever ever actually hurt someone physically to provoke an officer and also i have to work out the ethics of i don't like cops and the justice system at all but also the idea of unwittingly taking someone else's life in of itself is a terrifying and harrowing thought and even if i didn't physically harm someone, whoever pulls the trigger is changed forever completely which sucks. an upside is how shitty people are at punishing cops for fucking up if it could be seen as that in this very hypothetical situation (that is ACTUALLY hypothetical i would never do this or at least i would never do this before may 27, 2031) but also still i would deeply and directly traumatize another human being so if i was really gonna do that I'd have to make my peace with that. but also honestly i kinda just want someone to take my life for me lmao . im too lazy and too cowardly to do it myself (so far) or at least i don't wanna deal with actually doing it. i just don't want to exist anymore. i don't wanna be here . but like im gonna deal with it at least until may 27, 2031 unless i get really upset one day and do it on impulse which is a real possibility but not a possibility i see anytime soon because im in a good spot right now and don't feel the need to! i simply like thinking and ruminating on it and having my deadline. plus it's good escapism. and hey the deadline doesn't even mean death it could just mean abandoning everyone and everything, moving to Alaska and going by joanne for the rest of forever :)