#its not REALLY a vent because i dont feel like shit but its edgy enough that it warrants the tag

[mxboxlocks]

tf2 hc designs are my everything i wish i had the courage to make mine crazier or smth but mine are just sat there like

i like them that way tho. perhaps someday i'll project even more onto soldier and give him a mullet. perhaps i'll make him even edgier. who knows /lh

ramble below (im sleep deprived as all hell) it might be considered a vent? but its not intense im kind of just bitching /lh, nm

anyways man so. im a little insecure about the way i write soldier bc im scared he comes off like i said, edgy?? when really its like no this guy isn't edgy per se he just has a lot of feelings he refuses to feel. traumatized (in denial) type stuff

i have like a small timeline of his life and family and all that and like yeah it's a little sad but idk i fear trying too hard. i think its perfectly fine. in fact i like my solly a lot. he's very near and dear to me considering he's. well me /kin

and thats the thing too is i wish that were enough but i want people to see in my work what i see in my work i guess. and thats not always gonna happen period, different perspectives exist and shit

like i said im severely sleep deprived i've only slept a couple of hours and i feel high forgive me

umm what else. ah yes of course the edgy thing yeah i guess i just dont want him to seem so out of character that hes not even soldier anymore. bc unfortunately soldier has been so flanderized through the comics and shorts over the years (thank god for emesis blue) that he's just kind of been reduced to a bumbling happy-go-lucky guy that'd kick your ass given the chance. but i think - nay know - he's more than that, and i like showing those parts of him that are there, but i don't want it to be dismissed as out-of-character simply because he isn't really written on deeper levels in canon

anyways thank you for readin, i'll prolly stop thinkin about this when i go back to sleep i just like talking. dont worry about me either, im not hurt none too much, or at all for that matter /gen

[txicgf]

ok but low-key the idea of commit die via cop is kind of so sexy to me. like id never (maybe) but it's like............ a foolproof way without me having to pull the trigger myself . like it's fucked up like really fucked up and maybe this is the sleep deprivation talking but y'know i have had my list of ""methods"" since i was a wee little girl but i TOTALLY forgot about that way. and now it's like #2 on my list lmao

#1 is deth via mixing benzos+opiates+alkyhol but idk maybe im keeping my actual #1 spot for whatever i actually decide to do when i do it, but that was the plan since i was little up until earlier this year when everything happened with family member od so now it just reminds me of that and makes me sad and knowing that HE literally did actually die even if he survived was absolutely a very sobering thought and reality check about my sewerslidal ideation so very very very less inclined to do it now in that way .

the other method i think would be easy would be electrocution although i worry i don't know enough about how electrocution works to say anything about the pain levels but I've been thinking about it a lot recently ..... like

im NOT actively gonna do any of these things anytime soon but. y'know it's hard to unlearn habits you're used to such as: planning your own death . LMAO but it's not like im gonna do any of these soon, like obviously one day because that's the only way im going to let myself pass, like i absolutely am going to do it even if it's not now or any time before may 27, 2031 but i AM going to do it. i just also love to meticulously plan and give myself the time to see if maybe i wanna get better bc im mentally ill but there's a level of awareness i have about it and also honestly im so used to this that im not even sure if i actually want to or if the ideation is a coping mechanism because thinking about it feels like a way out and makes me feel better but at the same time like. yeah i have a brain, and that ideas a lil fucked up idk i lost my train of thought a little bit about this paragraph.

idk anyways what i was originally talking about. like ok im not particularly intimidating so id have to act fucking bonkers or have weapons, id never ever ever ever actually hurt someone physically to provoke an officer and also i have to work out the ethics of i don't like cops and the justice system at all but also the idea of unwittingly taking someone else's life in of itself is a terrifying and harrowing thought and even if i didn't physically harm someone, whoever pulls the trigger is changed forever completely which sucks. an upside is how shitty people are at punishing cops for fucking up if it could be seen as that in this very hypothetical situation (that is ACTUALLY hypothetical i would never do this or at least i would never do this before may 27, 2031) but also still i would deeply and directly traumatize another human being so if i was really gonna do that I'd have to make my peace with that. but also honestly i kinda just want someone to take my life for me lmao . im too lazy and too cowardly to do it myself (so far) or at least i don't wanna deal with actually doing it. i just don't want to exist anymore. i don't wanna be here . but like im gonna deal with it at least until may 27, 2031 unless i get really upset one day and do it on impulse which is a real possibility but not a possibility i see anytime soon because im in a good spot right now and don't feel the need to! i simply like thinking and ruminating on it and having my deadline. plus it's good escapism. and hey the deadline doesn't even mean death it could just mean abandoning everyone and everything, moving to Alaska and going by joanne for the rest of forever :)

[ottiliere]

do you have any more stuff on dirks kf thread? i love that idea

referencing some of the stuff in this post, specifically dirk's.... art. how it's mainly shock value content...highly graphic, self-hating, misanthropic, nihilistic, 90s and early 2000s edgy humor art taken a disconcerting turn for the sexual. and, okay. this content would not be enough to warrant a kf thread on its own. what's been established is that his physical assault of hollywood director dave strider is what put him on the map and by extension in the crosshairs of the types of people who...use kf. people would start digging into his internet history, tracing his digital footprint, you know. his deadjournal, the boorus he uses, they'd identity an art style and essentially go to town tracking down everything he's ever made and posted, even if it was posted anonymously (4chan).

and, like. the things he draws... I don't know how to describe this but to him this isn't really vent art, and he's not, like, a shadman. (most of*) what he draws isn't drawn with the intent of it being hot, or appealing. it's... again, shock value. I think he thinks you'd have to be really stupid to think anything he draws is funny (the actual joke he's making is that he's stupid enough to waste his own time and energy doing all this shit, and the ACTUAL joke beyond that is that he knows it's stupid and is doing it as a joke and is so elevated beyond both criticism of the work itself and of the creation of the work on a sincere AND ironic level. you cant touch him because engaging seriously at all with anything he makes makes you a dribbling drooling IDIOT), but I dont think he cares about people getting off to his weird shock value porn.... though at some point he would have? earlier in life. like i do think he would've had a kind of puritanical phase where he realizes how wrong the way he was raised was, but I also feel like he quashed this relatively quickly on realizing that it just made his everyday life that much more humiliating. his creation of shock value porn SPECIFICALLY the porn part. is not to get off to it or to be sexy or to help anyone else get off. it is all part of the joke. if you get off on it you're stupid and missing the point but no more so than if you are out here laughing at his non-jokes. I don't think he'd LET himself be sex repulsed, basically. he'd feel that way for a little while but he is so surrounded by it that letting himself be disgusted by it feels weak. he isn't a kid he's not some girl or whatever. it's sex it's no big deal to him because why would it be. no seriously like tell me why why would he even be thinking twice about something like this. elaborate on it.

Like. I just really lean into the idea of him delibrately quashing a natural aversion to sex that comes from a history of being violently assaulted...to me that ties into him fueling his own internalized bizarreness refusing to get help or admit weakness etc. it's similar to the involuntary agere** and the bedwetting; if he could only look his own humanity and weakness in the face and come to terms with it he could heal but he will NOT let himself do this, no self-reflection no criticism just straight ahead into oblivion forever it does NOT get any better than this it isn't even that bad now it was never that bad then and you're projecting OBVIOUS STYLE if you think he's ever even struggled with jackshit.

but anyway.

the people hobbling together everything he's ever made, into one big thread... with the masses completely misinterpreting his intentions, the message, the motivation he had behind these pieces... he would be so mad. like he's not even mad about the insults, he does not give a shit about that, it's how little people are understanding that is what's truly offensive to him. like none of you get it you're all just laughing at the barest most obvious layer of absurdity out there. you're not even thinking not even for a second you're all so stupid compared to me and you'll live and die and you'll never fucking know it I'm going to blow my brains out on camera in front of you I'm going to kill you you are so fucking stupid how do you even justify your own existence etc etc etc.

*I can see him being, like, a legit puppet fetish artist. like these pieces are about the same quality of any of his other works but there's a much more sincere quality to them than any of his other art that depicts more grotesque topics. if people genuinely made fun of this stuff I think it's one of the things that would genuinely make him grind his teeth into dust. they don't fucking GET IT.

I'm envisioning the prominent features of this thread consist of, like, compiled scs of his deadjournal account...which if you don't know is like livejournal but they do not filter anything you write or anything like that. it’s got a smaller audience, no one reports you and no one monitors it. so i imagine he uses this as an outlet for utter bullshit fabrications of his life, like blatantly untrue ironic traumaventing with some stake in his emotional state at the time (e.g., extremely exaggerated stories of him being kidnapped and trafficked and tortured and shit, really long ramblings/lies that are adjacent to how he goes down stupid one-sided conversational rabbitholes) mixed in with EXTREMELY occasional genuine breakdown vents. kf members would tear all of them apart, but especially the latter kind once they figure out what they're looking for. like every once in a while someone does manage to hit a legitimate pressure point I think, like some weird analogy he makes a couple times. someone makes a random guess and happens to describe something that like actually happened to him and hes like stunned for a second over it.

in general i feel like this would just be so monumentally terrible to him. like hes aware of the extent to which people do not "get" him but. his little brain would boil at this he'd be so mad i think he would break things in his home. need to draw him sitting at his desk about to physically explode.

**I forgot to post meta about this in response to an ask I got. we've talked about it for cumulative hours and written fic of it and it is like. the cause of timeline branchiations. I cannot get into it now. it will be so long.

[sadisticyouko]

honestly i tend to latch onto any characters thatre kinda fucked up and obsessive with their attraction bc yandere stuff is like. a really big vibe for me jfjdjfj and its why i sometimes project a bit of yandere-ism on other chars too jfksjf i be out here kinning himiko toga and shes not a low kin by any means- ACTUALLY i just remembered a song, its one im absolutely obsessed with, cant tell if itd be ur style or not but its Mx Sinster by I Dont Know How But They Found Me and its. very good creepy lover yandere song 👀 (their other song Choke isnt the same vibe but its an upbeat violent song which is really really fun too :3 )

also yeah i dont relate to hiei at all but im absolutely obsessed with him because he hits like. all of my points of Favorite Character. which means basically he checks off all of the points of shadow the hedgehog, who im equally obsessed with HFKSHFK the only difference is that hiei is much more of an asshole and has no problem with murder lmao. but hes SO. hot. cute. handsome. im literally thinking about him constantly daily and its absolutely a key part of my major kurama kin feels hfksjf i just want to hold him so baddd. sits him in my lap and kisses and bites him. edgy lil tsundere who owns my heart

also its no worries !!! i dont mind vents on my dash, hell on the occasion ill vent on my main too lol. its ur blog so do whatever the hell u want with it !! sometimes we just gotta yell shit out of our brain!

ALSO YEA IM VERY INTROVERTED TOO and conversing in asks like this at first is for some reason easier. less daunting. brains r so weird fbsjf BUT sometime. hopefully soon. i will try to dm u. or u can try to dm me first if u want fjdkfj hell if ud wanna talk on discord instead (if u have one) u could lmk bc i tend to be more active on there since im always chattin with my gf there lol. but yeah uve always just gave me a vibe of someone thatd be fun to chill with !!! (so hopefully we both can breach our introversion to actually chat LOL)

Omg I LOVE himiko 🥺 I kin her relationship with her family but I’m not exact enough to say I fully kin her 😂 I don’t really relate to too many ppl in mha (except maaybe todoroki, or ururaka on a good day) I kin so many people in yyh cuz I grew up watching it and reading the manga since I was 9 ! and then proceeded to read very inappropriate fanfiction for the rest of my life apparently 😂 so they’ve all had very strong influences on my personality ! yandere is a favorite vibe of mine, I haven’t heard those songs but I’ll definitely check them out ! i like the aggressive stuff so it sounds like it’d be right up my alley !

and omg that makes so much sense ! hiei is definitely … attractive >\\\\\< it’s the height that makes me conflicted tho ! I’m only 5 feet tall but I still struggle with the idea of it 😂 his personality is perfect tho 👌 definitely simp material, he’s still one of my all time favorite characters and for good reason ! I feel like if I think too hard about him I’ll fall down the rabbit hole of crushing on him and I won’t be able to stop, and kurama wouldn’t like that very much at all ૮⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝ ა

yea idk how but it feels easier like this for first time interactions ! It’s like I’m in a big open field and it makes me feel safer than if I were a bunny in the cardboard chat box or something IDK 😂 we’re just gonna play dm chicken until someone cracks 😂 I don’t have a discord but I’m almost always on here ! don’t be afraid to dm me ! sometimes my social battery runs out BUT I enjoy the interaction !! ૮⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝ ა

[themoonking]

cannot stand when ready to glare shows up on my youtube homepage or when a youtuber i (formally, lmao) subscribed to recommends ready to glare as if she didn’t make two (2) videos titled “invented genders” where she scrolled through tumblr looking at xenogenders and making fun of them, both of which are still up on her channel

[fandomfictions-journal]

to introduce this. im Fandom Fiction, or Conf. I usually go by the latter. This is, my ‘writing shitdump’. Nothing here is tagged, nothing will ever be linked to this. If someone finds it, dear god, but like, you had to dig so good job. Or you stumbled into it and have no idea what im on about. Tumblr is a weird place. but i digress. 

Ill begin with saying this is gonna be depressing as fuck cause its meant to just be where i dump/ramble about shit to get it off my chest to maybe help myself get over things. so fuck it. your warned. 

im conf. i work a midnight shift stocking at walmart, and im a fan of almost everything, i say that not exaggerating. yogscast, rooster teeth, a lot of anime and tv shows, cartoons like adventure time, rick and morty, all kind of shit. im into every fandom in at least a small way. 

i used to pride myself in being easy going and care free, but well, b ythe paragraphs above you can probably guess thats all gone tits up. i started playing on a mianite fan server after binging 40 hours of streams in 3 days. there i met someone ill just call Red. no relation to name or usernames. we were put in some tough spots together due to some shit that went down story wise, with us robbing the most powerful players in the server of over 800 hours of grinded items. these tight spots facilitated a need for direct communication, so we started skyping and shit and talking for like 10 hours a day. that kind of lead to us both getting crushes on one another but we were too dumb to say anything. 

i let it sit too long and she moved on, which fucked me up a lot, but fuckin life so i tried moving on too. thats when i met someone ill call Ears, again no relaion to name or username. she had a crush on me that i didnt know about for ages cause im dense as fuck, but eventually with help from Red she set up an elaborate item hunt to reveal it to me, and we started dating. was awesom, i was starting to feel like my old self again, we talked for 10-ish hours a day every day for almost 9 months straight, we never fought, we always got along and had the same interests and sense of humor. 

i was going through a rough patch because my grandma died, and i stopped talking to her at all for around a month. i was just not interested in anything at all for that time, games, youtube, movies, anything. we started talking again, but i had a feeling things were just, not going well. i found out she had erped with a few people, which, we played on an RP server so its like, all IC and its multiplayer lego so who cares, but it kind of ate at me. i convinced myself it was stupid and trivial an that i had no right be to upset over it, which was a bad move, it made things so much worse. i kept up the act mostly though, acting like i was fine. but it all went to shit at once, she broke up with me out of the blue (it felt like), a bunch of friends destroyed all my work and left, telling me to kill myself and shit repeatedly, everythign just fell apart. 

i held on, rebuilding more out of spite than anything, but once that wore off i was just left kind of mechanical. i did my usual things, continued working o nthe server, but it was hollow. i stayed that way for about 6 months, but eventually Ears came back, she had genuinly missed me and wanted to get back together aftersome time just talking and being social again. i had internalized too much shit over the last 8 months though, i was a bit of a wreck. i kept up the illusion of happiness still, but i could never make myself break down and tell her.

i finally did start to really let it g othough. my constant doubts about not being good enough, or that shewould leave again faded until i had convinced myself everything was back to how it had been. then of course life has to come in and kick me in the dick. she left me again, it wasnt as bad this time though, we are still friends even now, though i still cant make myself open up about any of this. but it was like the rug was pulled out from under me as i was just getting my footing. and it fucking sucks. 

its been another 6 motnhs and im still, a mess. normally with these things, its in waves. so ill be depressed then fine then depressed then fine etc. it slowly gets better. this time its kind of just, slowly gotten worse to the point that im like, really fucking bad off. i cant hold conversations for more thn a few minutes, i space out, i dont eat, or sleep.. the only thing ive eaten in the last, 50 hours ish, is a small bowl of reheated chicken noodle and 3 hershey’s kisses. 

every time istart feeling better i randomly just become even worse than i was before, ive like, thought about how i could probably OD on ibuprofen and nobody would find me for a day or so.  had to put real effort into, not..

i just, wanted to... do this because i feel like putting things out there in writing can help. can make it feel like ive vented even if noboy hears. i can just scream into the void and fucking hope it works. or some edgy shit. 

ive got no motivation to do literally anything so im like fucking willing to try literllally fucking anything. 

fuck me, thats the story so far. catchy upy venty bullshit. i just want to go back to how i was before. cause fuck this this sucks. 

-conf