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madefromgrace96 · 5 years

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My Current Battle

First and foremost I want to thank whoever created this blog. You are a Godsend. Maladaptive Daydreaming is something I have done for as long as I can remember (if I had to guess I would say sometime in elementary school) so most of my life. It used to be just fantasizing about cartoons and as I got older it would be about TV shows/movies I would watch. For the most part it was harmless, I didn't spend all day daydreaming but a decent amount of time each day. I was still able to enjoy real life and appreciate what I had. I never paid a whole lot of mind to it being an issue until recently. About a year and a half ago I started watching this TV show (I'm not comfortable sharing what show it is just yet) but as I continued watching it I developed a fantasy about the show: the fantasy was about me being a daughter of one of the characters. Again, I had my ups and downs but I still enjoyed real life but it was almost like I had this second life now. This show became a safe haven for me, a comfort blanket. There was very little, if anything, that I disliked about the show. I loved everything about it. I called it my addiction but I still enjoyed real life and overall was happy. I was still able to work on school, my job and my social life just fine, even though this show and my fantasy was on my mind quite a bit. As the school year went on, I became busier and I didn't daydream quite as much and I was perfectly fine with that, I had a lot going on: a mission trip, graduating, and a couple other trips over the summer. I was able (for the most part) to control my daydreaming as I finished up my senior year of college. I was tired, stressed, but happy. Life was overall pretty great...

and then the new season came out. That's where everything went to hell. I had been looking forward to the new season, obsessing about it and wondering what it would entail. The very long wait finally came to an end and I was able to watch it all within 24 hours with my parents and best friend. Something happened in the second episode that absolutely crushed me. I went to bed angry and kind of hurt, this character that I really looked up to did something that I didn't care for. I figured I would get over it soon enough and by the end of the season things would be resolved. Well, they weren't really, and because of that character (which used to be my favorite) was the only reason why I despised the season (take him away and the season was pretty darn good). It's been about four and a half months since then. A third of a year has gone by. "Just give it time" I told my self "eventually you will get over how you feel and enjoy the show again." To this day I have not watched it since (with the exception of a few clips pf the show). A few weeks went by and then a month. I still could not get over my hurt and disappointment from the show and this character. I kept telling myself "there are people dying of cancer, losing jobs, losing their homes, they're broke, there's world hunger, there are wars going on and you're over here upset and depressed over some TV show. Frankly, I was a mixture of frustration, shame and embarrassment. Why was I letting this show rule over my life? I kept it bottled up at first; surely, people would think me deranged if I told them about what I was going through and they will probably try and put me in a mental hospital (okay that part I knew was a bit exaggerated but still).

One day at work I felt like I was about to crumble, I was barely functioning. My mom and I were supposed to go see a movie that evening but instead I ended up a big emotional mess and telling my mom about what was going on. Surprisingly, she was a lot more supportive and nonjudgmental than I thought she would be. I ended up telling my best friend about it too around this time and she reacted about the same way, which I was very thankful for. I can't remember if I told my grandma before or after but I told her too. At first she seemed kind of taken aback, which would be normal but she was still very supportive and understanding. I don't know if you're spiritual, religious, etc. or not but I am and through the last few months I realized a few things: this TV show had become an idol over the past year and a half and had slowly become the top priority over time, even above God, which is not good. This second thing is kind of strange but it has to do with forgiveness. I know that the people in this show are not real but I was harboring anger, resentment and hurt over this character and even though they are fictional, I still felt the need to forgive them and pray about it. My thought at first were "you're crazy, you can't pray for someone and forgive someone that doesn't exist" and I shoved the thought aside at first but eventually I didn't know what else to do so I started to pray and work on forgiveness.

I realized after a bit that even though this person isn't real, I could still learn from this experience and apply what I was learning to my own life. Another reason why I think this has been such a struggle to let go of is because I'm not in school anymore (I'm taking my final class online as we speak and I'm just now halfway through it). The previous five years I spent with friends, going to class, studying, working, and being involved in different things on campus. Since I walked at graduation last May all of that went away and I have a lot more "free time" to daydream. Some days are better than others, through this whole thing I am learning to lean on God and trust in Him. For a while I would try to find another TV show/movie series to take the place of the show I am so obsessed with or I would watch something to what I thought was keep my mind busy and heal but later on I discovered that I was really just trying to hide my emotions and pain by pushing it away and burying it rather than solving it. In a nutshell, this is what I've been dealing with/focusing on/learning from, etc. over these last almost five months:

* Anger/Bitterness

*Sadness

*Hurt

*Depression/Anxiety

*Frustration

*Confusion

*How to cope

*Letting go and forgiving

*To stop idolizing

*Focus and draw closer to God

*Enjoy life as it is

*Learning how to find joy in being uncomfortable

*Laughing and smiling through painful and hard times

*Fear

*Trusting God

*Patience

*Being still

I think these mainly cover it, I'm sure there are a few other things but these were on the ones on the top of my head. So, where am I at today?

almost two weeks ago I was having a bad day and I drove myself to a local park and prayed to God and spent time reflecting and processing, I finally came to the conclusion that I was going to have to pray even harder and ask God to take these thoughts and fantasies away. "Alright God" I told him "take this away from me, I don;'t want them anymore. This is destroying my life, I'm giving this to you now, it's in your hands. Take it, I don't want it anymore." It's been up and down ever since, some days are better than others. Every time I think of fully detaching myself from this show and the fantasies I've created from it, I feel myself being pulled back. "If you let this all go, think about what you will miss out on. Remember how much fun it was and how much comfort and joy it brought you?" The little sneaky voice inside my head would tell me. It's so hard because I still love this show and sometimes I think I'm better and I find myself wondering if and when I will be ready to watch this show again. I've been reading books, watching inspirational and encouraging videos and trying to find anything that will make me laugh and will bring me happiness but I'm working on my purpose for doing these things to be on my relationship with God to get better for Him and for myself, rather than getting better so that I can watch this TV show again. If the time comes, someday I will hopefully be able to watch it again but in the mean time I'm working on getting healthier again for me and for God. It's far from easy, it's so so so hard!

I just wish there could be a switch I could flip to make this all go away, but unfortunately there isn't; that's just not how life works. Today I took a "mental health" day from work (basically I just called in sick). Along with my maladaptive daydreaming, I'm working a part time job that isn't the greatest and I'm trying to get through my last class of my bachelor's degree. The motivation is very hard to grasp these days making daily tasks difficult and drawn out. My car officially conked out last week and I don't have money to get a new one right now so I'm sharing vehicles with my parents (what fun) and yes I still live at home (hey, it's cheaper!). I've struggled with loneliness off and on my whole life and with know longer living on a small campus being surrounded by people, loneliness is definitely here and it doesn't seem to be leaving anytime soon. I'm also on a 21 day from social media and although it's been good to get away from the toxicness (I don't think this is a word but I'm going with it) social media is a way for me to keep in touch with people and it's my main way of socializing with others so that has increased the loneliness. I am trying to take this time of being lonely to spend it with God and to grow more in Him.

I spent last night and today in what I call "mourning" because I'm having such a hard time letting these fantasies go. This show, these characters, have become my family and although I know I will one day get through this, the taunting lie of "you might never get through this" is haunting me. So that's where I am and for the most part, this is my story. I'm currently sitting here in my bed, smoke coming my fingers due to writing this "novel" and trying my best to stay positive and to feel better. I didn't even know maladaptive daydreaming was an actual thing until last week and when I discovered it, I was so thankful and glad to know I wasn't alone in this. If anyone has any suggestions, coping strategies, advice, etc. I would very gladly and gratefully take it. Thanks for reading this and God bless you all!

#maladaptivedaydreaming letgoletgod psalms46:10 jeremiah29:11 Godisgoodallthetime

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