#queue gotta step into the daylight and let it go

[too-sxft-for-all-of-it]

agere polls -`♡´-☆

reblogs are appreciated for sample size! you can find all of my polls tagged with #sxfts polls!

(poll submissions are open, just send me the question and up to 12 answers!)

[cyclonearrow]

@ofcadenza said: “ we’re a team, aren’t we? teams stick together. even when the leader is being a prick. ”

"Is this supposed to be an apology?" She was already aggravated with him. At least him calling himself a prick made her think he may have had some self reflection and accepted that he had been treating her wrong. It wasn't even like he did anything too bad. He had said one thing that hurt her feelings. She was used to that. She could shake it off. But not when it was him. For some reason, when it was him... It hurt worse. She hated that.

"Because obviously I'm not leaving the team, but if you aren't going to apologize then you'll just have to wait until I get over you being a prick for me to talk to you."

[kay-elle-cee]

I posted 1,404 times in 2022

That's 1,390 more posts than 2021!

353 posts created (25%)

1,051 posts reblogged (75%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@kay-elle-cee

@emeralddoeadeer

@unknowableroom

@periodedits

@vlolets

I tagged 1,191 of my posts in 2022

Only 15% of my posts had no tags

#queue gotta step into the daylight - 361 posts

#jily - 203 posts

#kelsey writes - 154 posts

#ask game - 65 posts

#ask me - 59 posts

#emeralddoeadeer - 58 posts

#fic recs - 52 posts

#restless waves rise and fall - 44 posts

#jilytober - 44 posts

#potc - 42 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#and like all my friends and my partner don’t have that same history of fandom and it’s so hard to communicate my overzealousness sometimes

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Magic Like This || Read on Ao3

“Do you want to go?” He presses. “It’s not that simple.” If only it was. Of course she didn’t want to go. The boy in front of her shrugs. “It sounds simple enough to me: it’s going to be miserable for you. Don’t go.” Lily blinks at him—he speaks as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to just live by your own rules, put yourself first. He’s standing there, staring at her as the concept winds its way through her mind. What Lily really wants, if she’s being honest with herself, is to spend the day with James Potter.

My fic for the @jilytoberfest Bittersweet Challenge. Prompt: "Don't Go" but make it fluff.

71 notes - Posted October 15, 2022

#4

restless waves rise and fall || read chapter one on ao3

In efficiency and general seafaring know-how, First Mate Evans makes up for what Captain Potter lacks.

So she has to make up for a lot.

Or: In which James Potter is a gentleman pirate and Lily Evans is his loyal but vastly more competent First Mate.

Written for @thegobletofweasleys​ Jily Week 2022 pirate au prompt. It has since gotten out of hand and is currently shaping up to be 3 parts (you can blame @sunshinemarauder​ for the encouragement).

78 notes - Posted July 19, 2022

#3

no, i could never give you peace | Read on Ao3 | Playlist

But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

James blinks. “Are you breaking up with me, Evans?” he jokes softly, resting his hand on hers. It’s a joke, but her body tenses and it immediately puts him on edge. The silence that follows is excruciating.

“I’m not doing anything.” Her nails begin to tap on the mug again—a nervous habit that James spots immediately. “I just think we should have a conversation.”

93 notes - Posted June 8, 2022

#2

I got this idea like 5 minutes ago and have been living in Saturday Night's Alright-land for so long, I'm letting myself choose joy.

7th-Year September 1st drabble below the cut.

James hastily waved off his parents with all the sincerity he could muster before he and Sirius started weaving their way through the start-of-term crowd on Platform 9 3/4 for the last time. To Fleamont and Euphemia, this was a momentous turning point, deserving some sort of emotional farewell or well-wishing, but to James it was simply an item on a checklist.

Arrive at platform: Check.

Still, he would've been more sympathetic to his parents' attentions had someone not delayed their arrival by oversleeping.

"Oi, slow down, Prongs. Christ!"

Sirius trailed behind him, navigating the crowds with more care than the other boy, who was charging through the crowd with a fervor that Sirius was all too familiar with by now.

James' eyes flitted rapidly from face to face as he made his way across the platform, searching for those brilliant eyes and the shock of red hair that he hadn't seen in much too long.

This summer had been one for the books, as far as James Potter was concerned, anyway. The freedom of being of-age with none of the responsibilities of school had meant a virtually unlimited choice of ways to entertain themselves this summer. Most evenings saw the soon-to-be 7th year Gryffindors—along with some other classmates—convalescing somewhere or other in Diagon Alley, finding little-known hidden gems of pubs or clubs, cooling themselves off with ice cream at Florean Fortescue's, or just causing general summertime mischief.

It was wonderful to feel so bonded with the others in their house going into their final year, and it had the added bonus of finally sparking that something between he and Lily Evans.

It was nothing serious—not yet. Just little stolen moments throughout the summer: a lingering glance across the table, inconspicuous hand-holding when they found themselves in the back of the group, the occasional goodnight kiss when one of them needed to side-along Apparate the other home. Little stolen moments that had been driving James mad these last few weeks Lily was visiting family and unable to join the end-of-summer hurrahs.

They had been writing each other, however, in her absence. She'd written him excitedly about her appointment as Head Girl, which was completely unsurprising to him as there was no better candidate (and he told her so). He had written back, nervously, and relayed how—incredibly—he'd been named Head Boy, only to be unexpectedly showered with congratulations and 'of course, it's unorthodox, but it makes sense'. They'd exchanged letters about the things they'd miss once Hogwarts was over, their lists of must-do's this year to fully glean the most out of their final year. They'd exchanged 'I miss you's and 'I wish you were here's and 'I can't wait to see you's.

Nearing the other side of the crowded platform, his eyes spotted that specific shade of red that had made this summer so superior to the others. His eyes zeroed in on Lily Evans, hair pulled back, Head Girl badge proudly displayed on her robes as she helped direct what he could only guess was a First Year into the train. His feet halted any forward-movement as his breath left his lungs.

'I can't wait to see you. I miss you.'

Locate Lily Evans: Check.

James moved forward with renewed vigor, her eyes finding his as the First Year loaded onto the train. A smile broke out on her face as he drew near, and gods how he wished he was able to get here earlier just so he could take in her expression that much sooner.

"Hey, you," she called lightly as he neared, looking up at him. "Big day for us, eh?"

Now face-to-face with her for the first time in weeks, after thinking only of her for the entirety of the time since she last left his sight, words escape him. Instead, he smiled down at her, at the anticipation in her eyes and felt sure in a way he hadn't felt with her in a long time, and bent down to capture her lips with his own, hand cupping her cheek.

She leaned into his touch instantly, responding to his kiss with an enthusiasm that caused James' pulse to pound in his ears, drowning out the sounds of the platform around them.

Kiss Lily Evans: Check.

James felt Lily's lips pull into another grin, and he took this as his cue to step back, breaking the kiss and grinning down at her, knowing that the excited glint in her eyes matched his own.

"Well, I meant leading the Prefects' meeting, but glad to know where your head's at," she quipped, unable to wipe the smile from her face.

James shrugged, hand flying to his hair with residual nerves. "Sorry, I was just...excited to see you."

Lily stepped forward, reaching up and pulling his hand down from his hair and lacing her fingers in his. Her eyes lingered on the sight of their entwined fingers as a blush painted her cheeks. "I'm excited to see you, too." Her eyes flickered back up to meet his, eyebrow quirking as she tugged him forward towards the train. "Well come on then. We have a meeting to run."

James followed her, gladly, as they loaded onto the train, feeling a little lighter in his step.

Be with Lily Evans: Check.

96 notes - Posted September 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

James blinks. “Are you breaking up with me, Evans?” he jokes softly, resting his hand on hers. It’s a joke, but her body tenses and it immediately puts him on edge. The silence that follows is excruciating.

“I’m not doing anything.” Her nails begin to tap on the mug again—a nervous habit that James spots immediately. “I just think we should have a conversation.”

Playlist

Read on Ao3

97 notes - Posted June 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lu-undy]

Chapter 14 - SBT

Here it is!

The Australian had taken a few short naps in his van. He woke up and stretched his legs and arms. After a few seconds blinking and landing back in reality, Mundy looked over in the direction of the restaurant. The sky had gone completely dark now but thank God there were lots of lights on and around the impressive building. 

Mundy grabbed the binoculars he had borrowed from his friend and had a look. He wasn't interested in who was coming and going, nah. Seeing a herd of snobs in absurdly expensive clothes and even sometimes wearing bits with real animal fur did nothing but infuriate him. 

His line of sight moved to the side of the building. Ah, he needed to go somewhere else to get a better view. He grunted. There was nowhere he could park the van to see better. Thus he left his van and went on foot. 

The point was to have the back of the restaurant clearly in sight. Why? Because here is what Mundy had thought: whoever had lost that button came from that place. As the butler told him, they were way too well enough to care and would surely not even bother fixing the thing, but rather replace it altogether. Now, add to that what the tailor said, that he embroidered the name of the owner of the jacket directly on it: the Aussie's mind was set. He needed to get his hands on that bloody jacket!

With all that in mind, where would it be? Where Eddy had pointed to, namely, the bin. 

This whole reasoning was the motivation for Mundy half hiding in a dark alley where he could see the back of the restaurant. It was now the early hours of the morning and he saw the restaurant had more people exiting than coming in. Closure time was imminent. All he had to do was to wait for anyone to take the trash out to the big bins outside. From that, Mundy would only have an hour and a half, maybe two before the trash would be collected. He hoped that he would have enough time to rummage through them and find the jacket.

Mundy put a hand in the pocket of his jacket and took a pack of cigarettes. He lit one and waited without complaining. His past life as a hunter had taught him patience long and through. And so before his eyes, he saw the successive smoke breaks of the staff, people opening the first few buttons of their jackets and easing their shoulders for a few minutes before adjusting it all and going back in. 

It lasted what other people might call an eternity but the Aussie didn't mind much. It could be worse, much worse. He could have been waiting to ambush poachers on a cold night of November, lying on the floor, on his stomach and looking through the scope of his infamous rifle...

Mundy shivered and shook his shoulders. He blinked a few times to shoo away these thoughts. 

Two men finally exited with big black bin bags. Mundy's eyes opened wide. They threw it all in the large dark bin boxes and slipped back in the restaurant. The Aussie waited to make sure no one would catch him. He saw all the staff exit the place little by little. The flux of people gently calmed down until the last person locked the backdoor and left. He followed them with his eyes and made sure they were long gone before approaching. 

Mundy looked up and around. There were a few security cameras but he was lucky enough as most were turned such that they watched over the back door but not in the direction of the bins. 

He got closer and opened the large box. He winced at the smell and coughed a few times… 

Roight, gotta open these. 

He took his van key and slashed through the bags. Their content, and stench, spread quickly. Mundy held his breath and lit up the small light he had on his keyring. 

He realised that the first few bags must have come from the kitchens as it was mostly organic waste and food packages. The next few ones were mostly paper and cardboard… 

Ah! 

Mundy saw some dark blue cloth. He grabbed it and pulled. 

Yes!

It was indeed a jacket! He looked at the buttons of the front but his smile vanished when he saw that they were all there. 

Bloody hell… 

He rummaged more and more impatiently but it was the only piece of clothing that was dark blue and golden. Mundy was about to throw it away when something caught his eyes. 

Those snobs, they even have buttons on their cuffs…

He looked at the other sleeve and couldn't see the button. 

"Crikey! It wasn't a front button but one on the sleeve!" 

The Aussie eagerly took the jacket in his hand and checked the name on the tag. 

Antonio Sanchez.

"Gotcha, ya mongrel!"

After searching the pockets, he tossed the jacket back in the bin and left. He needed a good night of sleep and a good wash to chase that smell away before the next steps. 

---

The next morning, the Aussie woke up next to the lake. He grabbed his bar of soap and washed himself thoroughly before slipping in clean clothes. 

Mundy then jumped in his van and drove off. There was one person who might know who this Antonio Sanchez was and how to find him. 

He left the forest and arrived in town. Ah, he wished his old friend would remember him. Thinking about it, the same anxiety as before meeting Phil and Matt seized him. He was unsure about it all and he was unsure of knowing his own self anymore… 

Mundy took a deep breath. He needed his friend and despite him repeating to Eddy that he worked alone, it wasn't exactly true. He had a well-filled address book of contacts. Well, he had one a good decade ago. It was a miracle that those people were still around and in the same line of business. A lot can change in ten years, as the Aussie had started to realise only recently.

Mundy looked in front of him. He knew where he needed to go, he had better go on foot so he parked the van as soon as he entered the right neighbourhood. 

The sound of his old heeled boots resonated on the dirty pavement as he walked. Curious eyes emerged left and right, creeping out of the walls themselves. Mundy was in the poorest and gloomiest neighbourhood of the city and even in broad daylight, the whole place was strange. The people who lived and hung out there were not the same bunch as those he had seen a few hours ago at the Queen Victoria. 

Fancy suit and ties versus rags. 

People here mostly lived at night but they never slept entirely either, like fearful preys whose predator was life entirely. They kept their ears pricked for any noise and their eyelids never closed.

The million eyes followed the tall and slim silhouette of the man in the washed out red polo-shirt walk along the dirty streets and alleys until the boots stopped. 

"Old brown boots. Worn out more than when I saw them last time, but they are the same, there is no mistaking it."

A voice said. It came from a man sitting on the pavement. His clothes were also old and brown, but the colour had faded much more on his rags than on the Aussie's clothes. 

"G'day, M." 

"And to you too, Mundy. Glad to see you remember my name." The dirty beggar answered, his head still low and his voice as fragile as ten years before. He hadn't quitted smoking.

"Yeah well, you seem to remember mine too."

"You sound surprised." The man sat on the floor calmly said, still looking at Mundy's boots as if he was talking to them more than to the man himself.

"It's been 10 years. You could have forgotten." 

"No, I can't. We are too similar for me to forget." The beggar stood up and his ragged coat flowed after him. "Follow me." 

They walked through some alleys and Mundy noticed how intrigued the million eyes now looked. Who was that man under the hat following M? 

"Still have yer business I see?" Mundy asked the man who was a few centimetres taller than himself. 

"And I see you have come back to yours." 

"Sort of." 

"Your presence here tells me that you have. There is no doubt about that."

They passed a few streets until M went in an alley, Mundy on his heels. The alley was very large such that people were lining up left and right against the walls. Most of them nodded and greeted M as both him and Mundy passed, and those people were dressed in a similar fashion as M's. Beggars too, no doubt. In the middle there was an additional long queue. Both M and Mundy walked up along it until they arrived at a table. A few people were serving what Mundy guessed was some soup. 

"These are all the people that the city throws away. Rejects they call them. They don't fit, you see. This one is a drug addict, that one lost his job, that one was crawling in debt… Instead of helping them out, the city pushed them into misery head first."

"I don't remember that you were feeding people. And I don't remember there were that many."

"Time has passed, Mundy." 

"Looks like it, yeah." 

Both men arrived at a dead end. M kicked the lamp post and it switched on. 

"So, what do you want to know?" He asked as both took a seat on the crates there. 

"You're willin' to help me?" Mundy asked.

"Why wouldn't I be?" 

"It's been ten years and I've left the business without saying anything to anyone. You might have thought I was dead. You also might not want to work with me."

"I might have thought you were indeed dead, caught by the last poachers you were after, but I knew otherwise. And why wouldn't I want to work with you?"

"It's not like I'm payin' you or anything to help me and I disappeared without even letting you know. Not very professional."

"Yes, it's true. But you're doing a job only you can do and you're doing it in the best way. I can't come between you and your mission."

"What?" Mundy asked, confused. 

"I knew you were not working anymore." M answered. "You see, as much as your campervan is your dwelling, mine is the streets. I have eyes and ears everywhere. I knew and I know."

"D'you know why I decided to stop workin'?" 

"I have my doubts and suspicions. But I won't burden you with them. In the end, and even if I'm surprised, I am glad to see you back." 

Mundy smiled faintly. He was happy to be back too. 

"Tell me what you want to know." 

"Antonio Sanchez. He's a waiter at the Queen Victoria, I need to know more about him." 

"Hm. The name does not ring a bell but I will see what I can find. Why do you ask?" 

"He's robbed some alligators off a rich bloke."

"You came back for some rich man's crocodiles?" M asked and Mundy didn't know if there was disdain in his voice. He raised an eyebrow. 

"Don't take it badly, I am just curious. As you said, you went away and tried to hide for ten years. Today, you come out of your hiding, with clothes that almost look older than mine, and you enquire about the whereabouts of a man who stole alligators as if those ten years did not exist."

Mundy sighed. 

"Yeah."

M raised an eyebrow. 

"I… I came back for the 'gators. They're the last of their kind. But anyway, I'll go back to town. Got stuff to do. Y'know where to find me." 

"Indeed. And you know how to spot my boys still?"

"Unless it's changed, green soles, isn't it?" Mundy asked. 

Maurice smiled and nodded. He extended his hand to his old partner now coming back to the business. The Aussie shook it. 

"Ah, before you go, Mundy, you should know this." 

"Yeah?" He asked. 

"The Queen Victoria seems to be attracting an awful lot of attention as of late. Tread carefully." 

The Aussie frowned for a second. 

"What d'you mean?" 

"The kind of attention that could bring trouble to you. Or stop your career, for good." 

Mundy's jaw clenched. 

"What's happenin'?"

"Even I am not sure. But more and more rich people are pouring to town. Rich people who didn't get their money by playing it fair. But those aren't the most dangerous. Keep your eyes open and your guards up, Mundy." 

The Aussie's eyes went to the floor and he frowned further. 

"What are you tryin' to say?" 

The tall beggar headed out of the dead end and left the hunter alone without adding a word. 

"Christ's sake…" 

Mundy jumped off the crate and walked out into the streets. He made his way back to his van with his hands in his pockets, his eyes locked on the pavement which rolled below his feet. No, M knew more than what he said, that was sure. But what he meant and the serious tone with which he did say it stuck in the Aussie's mind. 

He jumped in his van and drove off. He needed somewhere calm to think. He grabbed a sandwich and let the van guide him. She led him all the way back to the lake. When he arrived, he kicked his boots away and walked barefoot on the grass up until the calm water hugged his feet rhythmically, lazily. 

He looked at the water come and go, the cold and wet sensation invading his toes and the space between them. He stared emptily. 

Mundy knew that he could trust M but something was tickling him on the inside. If M knew why he had left, what was he thinking of him and his return?

[dekuinthelake]

Happy Birthday Bloodborne

Seeing as it’s the 5th year Bloodborne has graced this mess of a planet with it’s omnipotent light I figured write a little thing about how much the game means to me. I’m going to get fairly personal so if you don’t like that kinda thing feel free to skip.

The first time I beat BB I didn’t think much of it, honestly. I’d had a rather basic playthrough where I didn’t see pretty much any of the optional bosses or do any of the story. I did as Gehrman suggested and just hunted some beasts. I took a break from it for a while and didn’t return to it until my life started getting... Difficult. 

My parents a year prior had gone through a rather turbulent divorce. In the wake of this, my sister and her boyfriend moved in so we could all help my dad pay for his house if only just barely. At the time we all knew even with four of us we didn’t make the type of money to help make payments and the inevitability of him loosing the house was a constant and looming stress. Worse still, my sister only agreed to move in if she was added to the mortgage, meaning she could threaten to sell on a whim, a privilege which she started using to strong arm me and my dad in to behaving a certain way. Her boyfriend was verbally abusive towards everyone, but especially condescending to her. Tension grew between all four of us, but especially between me and the boyfriend. I could ask my sister if she wanted to go out to lunch and catch up and she’d respond, “Let me ask my BF”. His control over her became apparent and the wedges he was intentionally drawing between her and our family was impossible to ignore.

All the while I was working a 4AM shift at a Zoo in the winter and barely getting any daylight or human contact since I had to be in bed so early to wake up for the drive. I cleaned a mile of glass in the dark every day non stop, only to have it be dirtied the moment the park opened. No matter how hard I worked to keep the park as clean as I could, even to the point of putting on dust masks to knock down spider, the higher ups weren’t happy with our companies work. As our contract was rapidly coming to an end, rumors began to circulate that we might not have it renewed if things didn’t improve. Worse still, someone had been stealing from the supply closet. Supposedly only the managers knew the code, and this sparked massive distrust in the Zoo staff towards our department to the point keys were taken away and our lives were made harder by no longer having access to vital shortcuts around the park which made getting from place to place take even longer in the miles long local. 

This futility and rage sparked the most obsessive play through of a game I’ve had to date. Undeniably, these situations were hopeless and lonely, and Bloodborne is a game that understood exactly how I was feeling. The Hunt is, after all, an eternal nightmare. No matter how many beasts, kin, or humans you kill, it’s an unending loop of uncertainty and oppressive danger. The tenuous state of things in Yharnam was uncomfortably familiar. Only in the game, it was far easier to focus on the things I could control.

The weapon I wielded. The stats I chose to upgrade. Which path I wanted to explore. The fluid combat enabled more split second choices every second, helped in large part by a generous stamina bar. More so than Dark Souls, Bloodborne expects you, the player, to take charge. You either commit to an aggressive plan and kill the beasts, or you die. 

When I first started, I played extremely cautiously and likewise did not have a lot of success. On new game +1, however, I began to realize that vital element. Hesitate and you die. Commit entirely and live. The more I played, the more I meditated on the very nature of what this game was communicating to me. 

In my actual life, I hadn’t come out as trans yet and it was something I was viciously debating internally. Earlier that year I tried to commit suicide. I half came out in the hospital, telling the ICU nurses my name was Mike. But even in the psych ward I was terrified to speak to social workers and groups about those feelings... Being that I had 6 hours completely alone and in the dark, it gave me time to listen to a lot of media by trans people. I distinctly remember one video where a trans woman was describing what dysphoria feels like and openly sobbing. I was starting to understand the core of why I hated myself, my body, and my current situation so much. 

But I was afraid. Even after the epiphany that I wanted to come out, I had a lot of doubt on if I could afford HRT, if I could commit to it, and what people would think. I worried starting T and in turn second puberty would bring back my horrible temper that I had going through it the first time. When I say I had rage problem, that’s putting it mildly. I’ve punched people before just for touching me when I was younger, and with the situation between me and my sister’s boyfriend getting more tense by the day I was rightfully concerned it might erupt in to actual physical violence. 

And so... I continued to come home from being alone all to spend most of my time alone playing Bloodborne. It was a great game to keep my mind off of things because of how much focus it demands to play. Funny enough, once you get good at it, the beasts are also a great punching bag.

A lot can be said about how Blood Vials aren’t the best method of healing. Having to stop boss attempts because you need to go farm some red Estus isn’t great design. However, running around that first part of Yharnam with the beast claws just shredding through citizens like a wild animal is possibly the most cathartic thing in my life at the time. It made me feel powerful, unstoppable, and like I was in complete control. I knew exactly how to handle the big pats one by one, and eventually I got skilled enough to just run into that big mob by the tree and stop people anyway because of how good the audio queues are at letting you know when you gotta dodge. I spent hours in both this location AND Chalice Dungeons farming for Echoes and consumables to the point that controlling my character in Bloodborne feels as natural as walking. 

I started beating the game faster and faster. I was on +5 difficulty and working on the DLC by myself when things escalated... 

At this point, I knew staying at my dad’s house wouldn’t be possible. The verbal fights between me and my sister were getting more and more prevalent. More than that, I knew it was time to come out and I didn’t feel secure doing that in an environment that was actively hostile. The plan was to save up, move out with two friends... But moving out came far faster than I had anticipated. 

A few days after my birthday, we had a family meeting. I don’t remember what sparked it, but we all sat around and voiced our complaints with each other. When it was my turn to speak, I brought up the fact my sister’s boyfriend had been intentionally isolating her on top of in general just being a jackass to her. He’d make her get things for him, call her stupid when they played games... The works. I don’t remember what he said that sparked it, but I remember the feeling... A really familiar feeling I hadn’t had in years. My pulse thundered in my neck so hard I couldn’t hear anyone over it. I started yelling incoherent shit. My sister stood in front of him because I was aggressively stepping forward. It was that temper I thought I’d knocked coming back. If she hadn’t gotten in the way, I’m absolutely sure I would have pummeled that man. I hadn’t felt that way since I strangled a kid in school to the point he nearly passed out.

 It was then I knew I had to leave. By nature, I’m violent. I hate it. But the decisiveness which I’d slowly been building helped me find the courage to admit this.

I took off in my car and just hauled ass to the highway. I had a bloodborne CD I’d been playing on my way to and from work. It sounds silly, but larping I was just a hunter during those crushing morning shifts was helping me keep going. Sure it was hopeless, but I felt bad ass to keep trying. I needed to have an unbreaking will to deal with this dilemma. Having so recently made a second attempt to kill myself, I had this powerful urge that no matter what I couldn’t end up there again. So, I decided not to beat myself up about it and just accept that I had to move on and away from what little family I had left.   I remember not really thinking words. I listened to Gehrman’s music on repeat with the windows rolled down going 78 miles an hour and just... Screaming. Literally screaming as loud as I could in to the night. Over and over again until it hurt just to breathe. 

Even though I felt betrayed by the people I thought were closest to me there wasn’t anything I could do but endure. 

Eventually I arrived my current roommate’s parent’s place where they were living at the time. I told her and her husband what happened. We went to the store for something. I got a call from my dad saying my sister was threatening to move out and apparently had yelled at him for not keeping me in line despite the fact at one point he’d physically gotten up and started yelling in my face to calm down. That was it. I asked my friend’s parents if I could move in temporarily and... That was that. 

The next day we gathered up all my things. I had to leave my dogs which was possibly the most agonizing part. 

But that night? I beat the orphan of Kos by myself on +5 on my computer monitor plugged in the wall and set on a box. Doing that was this weird extreme elation. It’s like I’d defeated two massively difficult, seemingly impossible tasks in one day. I’m glad I had help with the moving, though. Unlike Kos, that would have been impossible alone haha.

That weekend passed and I went back to work at the Zoo as normal. After I finished my shift, however, every employee in my company was called to a meeting. This was it. We all knew what was coming. We were to be laid off in December, giving us 3 months to find new work or apply to the company that was taking over the contract. 

In the wake of this news, moral plummeted. No one really tried that hard. I was coming in high to work every day and drinking with a coworker during our shift while we tired our best to continue work. That last month I worked there was a weird drug addled haze of extreme emotions mixed with ignoring them in favor of listening to VaatiVidya lore breakdowns of Bloodborne. 

I was going home and spending hours on art inspired by the general vibe of the game and my impossible to digest feelings. I’d lost my job, home, and family. I don’t know if I would have survived without both Bloodborne and my art as an outlet.

In the following months, I had gotten to New Game +7 and started recording myself trying to kill bosses without healing. Even though to this day no one watches these attempts but me, making them was frankly vital to keeping me distracted and focused on something I could control. 

There was a time where I didn’t think Ludwig +1 was beatable but... Here I am two years later happily having 100% Bloodborne and beaten every boss on +7, most of them without even needing to heal. 

The biggest lesson I took away from this game was persistence and decisiveness. The Souls series in general made me realize something huge that to this day has helped me fight my depression back. I’m a stubborn fuck who will grind and grind and grind until I finally achieve victory.

Fight for the progress you want to make. Things seem hopeless a lot, but you have to keep going. With effort, you can change anything you want to in your life.

Two years later, I’ve been doing HRT for 1 year and 3 months. I just had top surgery done. I’m working a job I like that’s got normal daytime hours and pays more than any work I’ve ever had with benefits. I don’t think I would have had the tenacity to stick to these things without realizing a fundamental aspect about my personality thanks to the help of Bloodborne specifically. 

I can endure, learn, grow, adapt. 

Thank you, Fromsoft. I hope this conveys a shred of what this dumb little game means to me. I needed Bloodborne so much when I moved out. I’m so glad it exists.

[ecotone99]

[SF] Vaporwave Therapy for the Weak-Willed... Or, simply: Stronger

Dallas folded the paper note back up and placed it on his night stand before falling to sleep. It lay there, next to him, all night. When he woke up, it stayed there on his nightstand while he took his shower, got dressed, and eventually headed to work. When he locked his door and closed it on his way out, the note was still laying there, a small piece of paper, folded in half.

His drive to work felt normal. Dallas got to be himself, play the soundtrack to his morning and let it drive him. He nodded his head and sang too loud with the windows down. He smiled out the window at the sun. Today would be different. He would make sure of it.

“Good evening, doctor!” Athena cheerily greeted Dallas as he walked into the lobby of the 91st floor.

“It’s the morning, Athena…” Dallas said, pausing.

“I’m sorry doctor, Daylight Savings Time always seems to throw my programming off, I will re-synch my internal clock to the company server’s clock immediately. Additionally, Mr. Fukunaga left a message on your voicemail approximately half an hour ago. I will make sure it autoplays as soon as you get into your office.”

“Thanks Athena, do you know when my first appointment is?”

“Ahh yes, doctor, your first appointment is… No wait, that is Doctor Horvath… Hmm, that one as well… It looks like he is actually taking three this upcoming hour, I had no idea how he plans to do that… Goldfarb, Dukes, and Kerfling. You don’t have one until 12 actually… However, I will make sure that you take priority on the queue for any walk-ins this hour as it seems that all fourteen of the other doctors are booked.”

Dallas momentarily clenched a fist that he released instantly. Today wouldn’t be like yesterday.

“Thank you, Athena.”

Dallas headed to his office, he hung his jacket on the hook behind the door as he shut it behind him. It was only a small space, an eight foot by eight foot square, but it was his space. And he had hanged up three different signed prints of the Simpsons, now on its 105th season. Besides, how many other precocious 26 year old Cyber Therapists had their own office? Probably not many. Dallas actually didn’t know. He and his friend Kit, who was also another therapist here, had both gone to school together. So, in this building, definitely only those two. The small office was cool.

Like Athena had said, Mr. Fukunaga’s message began to play as soon as he got to his desk.

“Good morning Doctor, this is your boss, Charles Fukunaga. Ahem, yes, well, after our conversation yesterday, I trust that you will be working your hardest this week to meet the expectations summary that I Net-Messaged over to you. I’ll be checking in with you later to see how things are going so expect another call. Fukunaga out.”

Dallas sat at his desk for a moment, staring at the blank spot on his wall between two of the Simpsons prints. One hand slowly clenched and unclenched over and over for a minute.

Goddamnit.

A short knock rapped at his door followed by the door opening almost immediately.

“Dallas, buddy!”

“Horvath, hello.” Why’d even you knock if you just planned on walking in?

“Hey, so are you coming to my party Wednesday night? It’s going to be at Dave and Buster’s! And I gotta tell you, I think I’m going to eat my own weight in cheese sticks!”

Be stronger.

“Horvath, look, I don’t want to go. So I’m not going to.” Dallas forced himself to look up from his computer and meet Horvath’ gaze. Horvath held it for a moment, he really did, but then he looked over at the Simpson’s print of them dressed like The Beatles crossing Abby Road. It was signed by former US President James Buchanan’s last living relative who bore no connection to The Simpsons but it was impressive all the same.

“Dallas, buddy, look you gotta come! If you don’t then Kit won’t and if Kit won’t then Jaime and Alex won’t! Please! It is my birthday.”

Get what you want.

“Horvath, you have three clients coming to see you in 15 minutes.”

“Oh yeah, you’re trying to pick something up from the master, eh? Alright, I’ll let you in on how I run it, I give them each 17 minutes and I count their time in the warm-up chamber and their times in the cryonics bath all as a part of the appointment. I only spend a little more than a quarter of an hour on the holo-therapy for each of them. Pretty sweet scam, huh?”

“No, I can’t imagine the Ethics Department for Fukunaga Mental Health and Ameridata would be happy about something like that.” Dallas had trouble pacing himself here, “I want you to transfer Kerfling to me. Tell her that you messed up the schedule and that you need me to substitute. You do that and then I’ll go to your party. See, we both win.”

“You… Dick!... Fine. But not cool and you’d better bring a gift!” Horvath huffed as he slammed the door behind him.

“I won’t.”

Dallas exhaled deeply, relief jetting through him, racing against the impossible pace of blood pumping alongside it. It had worked. He had worked. It was working! He had already gotten more than what he had started the day with!

Dallas hit down on the intra-office page system, “Athena, when Mrs. Kerfling gets here, please just go ahead and page me when you set her up in a therapy chamber. Dr. Horvath realized the mistake in his over-booking and requested my help with handling some of his workload.”

“You got it, Doc!” Athena said back cheerily.

Dallas pulled up Grandiana Kerfling’s file on his Data-Net and reviewed it while he headed upstairs to one of the Holo-Therapy rooms. Being careful while winding his way through the labyrinthine office halls to make sure he avoided the anti-gravity wing. Even though the zero-grav environments were supposed to be contained to the pods, he swore he got nauseous every time he walked by. He signed in on Suite 14 and made ran some pre-diagnostics to make sure all of the modules loaded up correctly. Everything booted up fine, even the premium add-ons.

Dallas’ Data-Net activated a notification alert, it wasn’t Athena, it was Kit.

“Just saw Horvath and he was throwing a tantrum at one of his patients. What a baby.”

Dallas quickly messaged back so that he wouldn’t be looking at his Data-Net when Mrs. Kerfling arrived. “Yeah, I might have done that, I’ll tell you more later.”

The page from Athena popped up and Dallas dismissed it before snapping his Data-Net shut. Moments later, Grandiana was vogue-ing her way through the security checkpoint. Dallas greeted her politely, despite the fact that she seemed nonplussed about the change in therapists, and then ushered her into the Holo-Suite but he waited to engage the holograms.

“So, Grandiana—”

“You may address me as Ms. Kerfling, Doctor...?”

Decide right now, Dallas, decide to take what you want.

“You can just call me Dallas, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, Grandiana, but if you keep me at arm’s length then the therapy just isn’t going to be as effective. Now, I can call you Ms. Kerfling but you need to ask yourself how much you will really get from this session if you are so guarded.”

“Yes Doc… Yes Dallas, I’m sorry, Grandiana is fine… I just, I’m just not used to seeing anyone but Doctor Horvath.”

“That’s ok Grandiana, I understand that, but I was looking at your file and to be honest I feel like you were being slighted by Doctor Horvath anyway. I feel like you’d be much more receptive to the Dragons and Elves scenario so for this session I’m actually going to give you a free upgrade over your standard Castle Siege scenario. It is skews a little more towards fantasy then you’re used to but after reading your file I am sure that you’re more than equipped to handle the nuance of this kind of therapy. It might leave you a little more drained than usual but we will worry about that after the session, alright?”

“Oh my, Doctor Horvath has never taken this much interest in our sessions, I actually do think I am more excited about this… Very well then. Let’s run the scenario! I want to keep my sword from the Castle Siege Scenario though!”

“Absolutely, Grandiana, I can make sure that Scarblade is in the Dragons and Elves Scenario.”

“Wow, Dallas, you really did read my file, didn’t you!”

“I sure did!” Dallas chuckled as they engaged the scenario.

An hours and fifteen minutes later, Dallas had let the session run on long for a couple of reasons, the two stepped out of the Holo-Suite. Grandiana was actually out of breath but her expression read of exhausted contentment.

“That was fantastic Dallas! I thought the goblins had us for sure! What a relief it was to find out that Scarblade actually had a flame enchantment the whole time! I gotta say though, I am beat. Do you think it would be ok to schedule some extra cooldown time in the cryonics bath?”

“I won’t lie to you Grandiana, it will tack more onto your bill but as your therapist I would absolutely recommend it as well. It is good to be able to fully relax and decompress in an environment like that after all the action that you just experienced.”

“You know what, I actually don’t mind at all, sign me up for a double cryonics treatment! And while you’re at it, schedule me another appointment with you next week! I want to keep running the Dragons and Elves scenario and you’ve proven to be a much more capable therapist than Doctor Horvath!”

“I’d be more than happy too, Grandiana.” Dallas said, sending her into the cryonics room while totaling how much more the commission for all of that was going to look on his numbers. Just today’s double cryo would be a sizable increase in his numbers from last week! Horvath was an idiot, Grandiana was a whale and he wasn’t doing his due diligence to service her enough. He deserved to have Grandiana poached out from under him.

Dallas pulled out his Data-Net and saw that Kit had messaged him:

“Hey, meet me in the cafeteria for lunch after your next session! Just had the wildest experience with Chubbs!”

Chubbs was the nickname that Kit had for one of her patients who was not overweight (so the nickname wasn’t insensitive jeering). Chubbs was obsessed with Carl Weathers’ character from the Adam Sandler cinematic universe, Chubbs Peterson, the one-handed retired golf pro. He had only appeared in two films, Happy Gilmore and Little Nicky (the second appearance was really only a cameo) but Chubbs (real name Carl Dagonovich) was completely fixated. Every session with that guy was a scene-for-scene retake of Chubbs Peterson’s cinematic chronology. It hardly seemed therapeutic but the business of mental health takes many paths.

“Wildest Experience With Chubbs sounds like the title of an overly-produced porn… So yeah, obviously I need to hear about this. I’ll meet up with you in about an hour and a half!” Dallas messaged back.

Dallas coded his notes on his session with Grandiana Kerfling while waiting for his next patient. But he kept glancing down at his Data-Net the whole time he was typing up the report. When Kit finally responded he spun his chair completely away from his desk to read her message.

“Wildest Experience With Chubbs is also sadly the story of every time I’ve ever masturbated in front of a mirror but PIZZA JUST TASTES SO GOOD!” Kit messaged back.

Athena sent Dallas a page, notifying him that his next patient had arrived. Dallas started walking towards the Holo-Therapy Suites but he didn’t look up from his Data-Net, he just walked while typing a reply.

“Ewww… Why are you tasting pizza while masturbating in front of mirrors? Listen, if you ever need to talk about anything… I’d actually recommend you speak to Doctor Horvath because that guy is like, real good.” Dallas chuckled to himself as he typed it out.

“I meant pizza in the royal sense, stupid, obviously I don’t eat pizza while masturbating. I eat pot roast because I am a class act.”

Dallas stopped in the middle of walking to let out a short chuckle at Kit’s response. He smiled as he began typing back.

“Yeah, well have fun with your royal pizza or whatever you are doing with it, I’m about to start a session.”

Dallas snapped his Data-Net shut and watched his next client stalk through the security post. Daisuke Hernandez was a complicated man and Dallas hadn’t quite pinned him down yet but he was able to get along with him well enough to sell him a premium scenario for every visit.

“Darasu-San.”

“Hernandez-San, I trust you would like to run the same scenario today? Samurai and Banditos fight off the Giant Killer Praying Mantis?”

“Hai.”

“Sounds good, I’ve got a lot planned for you, I think we’re going to make some real progress. Who knows, by the end of today’s session, I might even upsell you from your usual zero-grav pod to a electrolysis massage for your decompress and debrief regimen.” Dallas said as they went into the holo-therapy room.

An hour and two minutes later and Dallas had done exactly what he had set out to do. Dallas had filled the scenario with so much nuance and subtlety Daisuke agreed to the upcharge. Another sale, two in one day for Dallas was unheard of. This was his personal best. All because he was strong enough.

Dallas checked his Data-Net once he had sent Daisuke Hernandez on his way. He had a message from Kit that was just a pot roast emoji and he grinned at that. Another message from Athena told him that he needed to call his boss back. The grin faded slightly, but only slightly. Mr. Fukunaga wasn’t so bad, really. His advice seemed to really be helping.

“Hey, I’ll meet up with you in ten minutes, I just have to make a real quick call!” Dallas messaged Kit as he rushed back to his office.

Once he was situated he initiated the call with Mr. Fukunaga.

“Ahem, hello? Who is this?” Charles Fukunaga demanded.

“Yes sir, this is Dallas, the doctor from Branch 7 that you spoke to yesterday, I was returning your call.” Dallas responded hastily.

“Yes! Dallas! Well, yes, fantastic! I was just looking at everything you’ve accomplished today! I swear, you’ve done better just this morning than you did all last week! I see you took my pep-talk to heart then, did you?”

“Yes sir, I—”

“Good, that’s good… Ahem, you know, the company, and by extension me personally, just want the staff of all Fukunaga Mental Health branches to be happy, comfortable, and loved! I want to make sure you are as fulfilled as you can be by working for us…

Can I get real with you for a second, Dallas? Just really real and raw and uncut? I want you to be really fulfilled! Just in every, ahem, EVERY way.

You know, I’m something of an older man. I’m hitting the ass-end of my fifties now. And I’ve started something new. I’m now the… well… I’m an active participant in a polyamorous relationship with two trans-women and a hyper-sentient android with three separate personalities. The six of us are very happy and VERY fulfilled.

I just, well, I just want to make sure that you are as happy as I am. I want you to find your polyamorous six-way! Do you have that, Dallas? Do you have somebody? Or five somebodies even?”

Dallas hesitated. For a lot of reasons.

“No, sir, I guess I can’t quite say that I do have what you have.”

“Well, m’boy, I want you, right now, I want you to really evaluate yourself. Ahem, and I want you to take that advice I gave to you and I want you to really apply it across every part of your life. You do that and I know that you will be the best Cyber-Psycho-Therapist that this company has. You’re good at what you do but I know you can be great at what you do. Now go back out there and do what you do! Fukunaga out!”

Dallas sat at his desk, staring at the blank spot on his wall between two of the Simpsons prints. It seemed endless in a way. It was so empty that it was able to completely consume him and remove him from the reality of the conversation that he just had with his boss. The blank spot was comforting for just a few moments. And then he remembered that he had just told his boss that he was alone. He told his polyamorous boss that he was alone.

Goddamnit.

“I’m on my way now… I’m… This day has been weird. Be right there.” Dallas messaged Kit.

When Dallas got to the cafeteria, he looked around until his eyes landed on a secluded corner with one solitary doctor eating her lunch. Kit’s hair was down, she was peeling a fresh orange, she was wearing the white lab coat that she swore made her look “more like a doctor”. Dallas had known her for so long and she had never looked better than right that moment. She was like if his eyes could drink hot chocolate.

Dallas grabbed himself a neon meal shake that advertised “all the power of lasers in one bottle” before sitting down next to his best friend. She told him about Chubbs, he told her about Horvath, Kerfling, and even Hernandez. He left out his talk with Fukunaga. She was so happy that he was getting his numbers up. She was always happy with him. Dallas liked to chase that feeling.

“You’re pronouncing that wrong.”

“What?”

“You’re pronouncing Chuck Palahniuk’s name wrong.”

“Bullshit, I watched the special edition blu-ray with commentary and Edward Norton prono—”

“Yeah, he pronounced it wrong too.”

“Well how do you know, genius?”

Do you have somebody? Or five somebodies even?

“Because I met him. He signed my copy of Choke. I asked him to write in the inside cover how to phonetically pronounce his name and he did. See, here is a picture of it right here.”

Kit pulled up a picture of the book on her Data-Net and there it was, plain as day. Chuck Palahniuk’s autograph right next a pronunciation key in his hand-writing.

“Wow… Ok, well that is wild.” Dallas said, incredulously.

“Yeah, well you should know better than to doubt me.”

“I didn’t doubt you… I was just hesitant to immediately doubt Edward Norton. He just seems so smart… Also, figures that you would have him sign Choke. I haven’t even read that.”

“Yeah, well I own a signed copy that I am not going to let you borrow so good luck never reading it.” Kit laughed, her eyes always shut when she laughed, it was this moment of sincere vulnerability any time she laughed. Dallas had learned to appreciate that. She was a licensed Cyber-Therapist, any of the smart ones knew to never be vulnerable.

You will get everything you want because decided to take it.

While her eyes were closed, Dallas leaned in and kissed Kit on her smiling lips. He felt her tense up for the fraction of a second but immediately relax as she kissed him back… for almost a full second before pulling herself away.

“Dallas, what the fuck? I’m… I’m… you can’t do that! You know I’m with Jiro!” Kit was blushing, her smile was down-turned into a scowl, and her brow was furrowed. Her tone was both panicked and indignant and… yes, angry. An individual’s whose career was based around interpreting human behavior might say that this was a wholly negative reaction.

Dallas began to feel shame injected into his face and neck and start to run down his back. He felt it seep closer to his extremities with each heartbeat until he finally felt it in his fingertips.

“Kit, I’m…” Dallas trailed off. He knew there were no words that could ever make this alright.

“Please don’t tell Jiro.” Dallas said numbly. He stood up and walked out of the cafeteria while Kit was flustering. She called after him but he kept walking. He went past his office, past the Zero-Grav Pods, past the Cryo-Bath Tanks, past Athena the android assistant, down the elevator, out of the building and began to walk home. There was no saving that situation. Probably.

Dallas, Kit, and Jiro had been friends for the last 15 years. They had gone to school together as three best friends until a year and a half ago when Kit and Jiro started dating. Dallas had never had a single romantic feeling for Kit for thirteen and a half years until she was with Jiro.

Why did I do that? That wasn’t strength… That was weakness. I am pathetic.

Dallas made it home when he realized his car was still at work. And that he was still supposed to be at work. And that Mr. Fukunaga had told him to get his sales up or he would be fired. And that… No. Nothing mattered right now.

Dallas lay down in his bed, fully clothed. His eyes landed on his bedside table where he had left the note. That note that Mr. Fukunaga had told him to write to himself. Back when Mr. Fukunaga was threatening to fire him still.

Dallas reached over and unfolded the note and read it.

“Tomorrow, you will be stronger and you will get everything that you want because you decided to take it.”

Dallas tore the note into pieces, rolled over, and began to cry into his pillow.

submitted by /u/Cursed_Apricot [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2ITYAoF

[cyclonearrow]

"Ice cream? Are you a little kid?" Honestly, despite her teasing... Ice cream sounded really good. She knew she shouldn't be eating it. The last thing she needed was to gain weight. Not only would it make their mission harder... God, the things people would say. But maybe it's okay just this one time. As a comfort. She wasn't even sure when she last had ice cream. Maybe last summer? She didn't think she had any THIS summer.

A forced sigh, as if he was twisting her arm. "Okay. Fine. Ice cream is good. But just a little bit, okay?" She wasn't really going to let him pay for her, obviously. But going to get some with him would at least be a good distraction. She really didn't want to be alone right now. There was too much on her mind.

"Let's go. I don't want to get stuck out too late."

"Yeah, me neither," Junpei sighed. His grades had been getting better over the course of the year, and while they still weren't anywhere near as good as Mitsuru's or Makoto's, he'd been proud of himself for improving. But with everything happening recently, he just hadn't been able to focus on school anymore. How could he, when they'd lost a friend?

Even the idea of getting food didn't perk him up as much as it usually did, but he did manage a small smile in response to the question. "Heh, you know I'm always hungry, Yuka-tan. Wanna go get ice cream? My treat."

[cyclonearrow]

"Do you really think that's what I'd ask YOU to do with me?" Sure, she had asked him to shop with her before... But had she been totally putting him out by doing that? She frowned a little, trying not to let Makoto's blunt response discourage her. She sighed, shaking her head a little as if it would get her anxiety to stop. "I wanted you to help me with something in the kitchen, actually."

Looking up from his textbook right as he closed it, he blinked a little at her request - odd as it may be, he couldn't help but be curious about it. "Uh... okay? What is it?" A beat before he added, "If it's shopping for hours, forget it. I'll be too tired to do anything else..." And lifted a hand to comb through his fringes. Stuck due to the heat in here, even with an AC on. Summer sucked without a nice cold treat in his hand as a reward for pulling through.