#rachel and marco are the SOURCE of a lot of the shenanigans but the others cannot be trusted not to enable

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Oh my gosh you just discovered mash? It's such a good show. It has some really serious episodes, end of season 3 comes to mind. I always imagined the animorphs watching mash or like somehow finding solace in it.

OH BOY BUT HAVE I MENTIONED THE MASH AU OF ANIMORPHS THAT I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT OF TONIGHT THOUGH?

No, obviously not, I literally just thought of it tonight, but buckle in for it anyway because I’m SUPER in love with this show!!!!!

Now, keeping in mind that I am NOT EVEN three seasons in, here are my current castings, ft. the 4077th being known as The One Full Of Babies Fresh Out Of Med School (these kids are like 27 tops, they’re practically infants in terms of the medical field).

Colonel Elfangor Shamtul, The Local Adult, who’s actually in his late 40′s and is a real actual grown up surgeon with a practice and everything, now the boss of a MASH unit in Korea and discovering that his talent for commanding a surgical theater actually translates really well into commanding a military unit.  Most everyone under his command thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread.  All his superiors are basically looking for an opportunity to get his ass court martialed when they’re not handing down commendations for his weirdly effective slant-wise thinking.  His old buddy Arbron keeps them stocked then the supply lines are cut and if anyone asks Arbron and the Mountaineers are running a completely legitimate shipping enterprise.  Elfangor goes by first names with the entire populace unless a general’s there and has never enforced a dress code in his entire life because it would require him to give up his blue jacket.  He was transferred to command of the babiest MASH unit as a punishment after the first time his buddy’s legitimate shipping enterprise got tapped for being probably black market.

Corporal Aximili Isthill, the babiest baby, who is 25 and oh my God Elfangor is adopting this boy he loves him so much.  They’re not blood relatives but Elfangor got handed a gangly excitable kid as an aide and was basically like “that one’s mine thanks” and never looked back.  Ax is actually seven kinds of genius but none of them are medical--he has a stellar memory for medications but no head for anatomy--so he’s more or less single-handedly keeping the base running.  He’s apparently some kind of psychic, if his gift for knowing exactly what’s going on where and when at any given time is any indication, and he's discovered a frankly inhuman talent for electrical engineering since he got drafted out of his blossoming career as a perpetual student.  Elfangor is making this child get a doctorate if it kills them both, and since it turns out they actually live within an hour of each other in the States, there’s a non-zero chance that Ax will be moving in with him afterward.

Captain Jake Berenson, who is chief surgeon but not second in command and who just wants everyone to cooperate for five fucking minutes please.  He is begging.  And everyone knows that even though Big Jake (his army nickname within 0.3 seconds because he’s the tallest guy in the unit and built like a Mack truck) isn’t legitimately second in command, he’s the guy you go to if you want to get anything done.  He specialized in cranial trauma, which isn’t as useful as you’d think when half the head wound cases die before they reach the hospital, but Jake thought the brain was interesting and made his specialty decision while kinda drunk, so.  Leave him alone.  The reason he’s chief surgeon isn’t because of any particular medical brilliance--Jake is a good surgeon mostly through sheer pigheadedness, not because he’s a sparkling medical mind--but rather because when Jake starts barking orders, people listen.  

Captain Rachel Berenson, who is a surgeon because I don’t care about historical accuracy and because she fought tooth and nail to go to medical school and then signed up for the war when they wouldn’t draft her.  She’s at least 60% of the reason Jake is begging people to cooperate, because Rachel has made nine doctors, four nurses, and six patients cry since getting her white coat.  He’s not saying she didn’t have her reasons, okay, she has the right to defend her position as a doctor, but also please stop.  She knows more about chest injuries than probably anyone else in Korea and she likes to remind people that it means she’d be just as good at inflicting them as patching them up.  Marco labels her the Warrior Princess after two days of knowing her and it sticks hard even though she threatened to open him up with a rusty scalpel when she first heard it.

Major Cassie Day, head nurse, who everyone knows is the best at making sure that, once the surgeons have yanked someone back, they stay back.  Cassie is an angel, probably, or at least so goes common theory based on the sheer miracles she’s pulled off in her time.  As long as someone’s done bleeding to death when they get to her, she’ll probably drag them through--whether they like it or not.  She and Rachel are bunkmates because no one knew what to do with a lady surgeon and Cassie offered, and they’ve been best friends ever since, complete with Cassie occasionally helping Rachel’s more hare-brained schemes come together.  Everyone and their cousin, including Elfangor, knows that Cassie and the chief surgeon make out in the supply tent, but also the one time Cassie left for a week leave the entire unit broke down so no, they will not be reporting them for breaking frat regs.  No matter how much Elfangor’s second-in-command wants to.  One time someone talked shit about her skin color and was drummed out of the unit on mysteriously appearing court martial charges two days later.  Contrary to popular opinion, it was not Rachel who started the brawl that got him brought up on charges, nor was the guy actually murdered straight up.  Arm broken, yes.  Murdered, no.  Turns out Big Jake hits as hard as he looks like he does.

Captain Marco Reilly, who is the unit psychologist and also Rachel’s top enabler.  She spends 80% of her time defending herself as a woman and a surgeon, he spends 80% of his time defending himself either based on his race or based on his career, and they are responsible for 80% of Jake’s ulcer because they get in a huge amount of trouble together.  Psychology hasn’t really entered the generally accepted medical field, but Marco specializes in treating trauma and combat fatigue and he gets soldiers back on their feet better than anyone else.  He decided on his career when he was a kid and his mom was a nurse in WWII who wrote home about how she saw boys without a mark on them ruined worse than those who would walk with a limp for the rest of their lives, and Marco doesn’t believe in regret.  It’s also this mentality that generally leads to him and Rachel being a Problem for Jake.  That doesn’t stop Jake from accepting the offer of gin from Marco’s personal still, or from more than occasionally getting swept up in the shenanigans himself.

Corporal Tobias Williams, who is in charge of triage and about 80% trained as a nurse in addition to his other duties.  (I know MASH doesn’t formally have someone in charge of triage but they SHOULD okay, listen, they SHOULD.)  He’s a decent chopper pilot, too, but the unit tends to contrive reasons to keep him around.  Rachel likes to have him assist her in surgery because he has an uncanny talent for spotting things that have the potential to kill her patients almost before she does, and isn’t afraid to mention it.  Tobias and Ax fall in together as inseparable besties within about a month, and Tobias learns not to wait for the announcement that wounded are coming in not long after--he just watches Ax tilt his head in that particular way and sprints off to the staging area without missing a beat.  For a bit a lot of the unit talked shit behind Tobias’ back, claiming that triage was slacker work, but then there was a day where Tobias spent nineteen hours on the staging area directing choppers and ambulances, stopped for twenty minutes to eat and chug an entire pot of coffee, and turned back out for another twenty hours, and went to assist in OR once the wounded stopped pouring in.  Then folks stopped talking shit.  Tobias is nervous and jumpy and generally quiet enough that no one ever thinks to suspect him of being trouble, which is why people are always shocked when it turns out that, say, it was his idea to smuggle in a dozen kegs of beer for New Year’s.

(Elfangor spends three months getting really attached to Tobias before he finds out some relevant information and has about a six month crisis about how to approach it.  His ultimate solution is TBD.)

Major David Pence, aka That Rat, who is Elfangor’s second in command and a screeching pain in everyone’s ass.  Everyone except David knows that his dad bought his way into med school and leveraged his rank in the army to force Elfangor to take the kid on as his second.  David’s under the impression that he’s great shakes at surgery and command both, and he straight up tried to report Elfangor when Jake was appointed chief surgeon over his head.  That was not a major event, because David tries to report someone about twice a week.  About half those attempted reports are either Rachel or Tobias or Ax--Tobias and Ax because he thinks they’re getting above their station, Rachel apparently for the crime of being herself.  He cannot be trusted to keep a level head in a crisis and Cassie has had to swoop in and save his patients more than once.  

Ji-Min “James” Song is a civilian doctor, their primary contact at a long-term recovery facility in Seoul where they send patients who are destined for a discharge.  Every time James rolls up to collect a patient, it is heavily implied that very similar chicanery is going on at his place, and he and Jake get drunk together to commiserate a lot.

Elfangor gets drunk with them too, sometimes.

[its-oat-freaking-meal]

Planning to start tonight when I’m done with work stuff, but first I’m going to write down basic memories I have of the characters without looking stuff up or clarifying if I’m right: 

Jake, The Leader: Ax calls him “Prince Jake.” All these kids were going through some shit, but he was often the one who had to make the call on tough moral decisions. Had way too many feelings for just one (1) heart. A lot of what I remember about him besides his Heavy Burden Of Being The Leader stuff involved his brother Tom. Everything with Jake and Tom was sad and tense and some very good stuff if I recall. Also, that book where he temporarily got a Yerk in his head was one of my favorites. 

Marco, The Funny One: Source of so much terrible 90s humor. Honestly even as a kid I remember thinking his jokes were kind of cheesy a lot, but he did deliver a line that made me laugh so hard that it stuck in my head for over 20 years and is the title of this blog. He nearly quit early on after a really traumatic experience, (which stuck with me too. I can still remember the image of him crying in the shower after ): ) but came back when he learned his mom was a controller. Joined Jake in the “doin’ it for our family” boat. Honestly I think he used humor to cover his anger a lot. 

Cassie, The Sensitive One: Loves animals. I think her family does wildlife rescue or something? I remember there always being wounded animals around her that she was lovingly tending to. Also sometimes think that she was fighting more for them than the human race, which is valid. Is into biology and zoology and stuff, is also frequently the group’s hookup for access to exotic animals. I think the ethical dilemmas they dealt with were particularly heavy for her? There was one book (another of my favorites) where she got in an argument about the ethics of subjugating one species to help your own and turned into a butterfly as a compromise. Iconic.

Rachel, The Badass Fighter, Except It’s About The Horrors Of War So The Badass Fighter Is A More Complicated Figure, But Also She’s Still A Fucking Kid Give Her A Break: The others called her “Xena, Warrior Princess” (which I assume means she’s gay) I remember this because, if memory serves, they mention it in every single goddamned book. She was pretty and popular and into sports if I recall. Strong queen bee energy. I remember she was frequently accused of enjoying the fight a little too much, which, tfw you’re like 14 or something and your friends keep commenting on your thirst for battle.

Ax, The SPACE FRIEND!!: Little brother of the space prince that gave the others their powers, cannot fucking handle having a mouth and a sense of taste. Lots of good “alien fish out of water” and “alien trying and failing to act like a normal human” moments with this guy. Is kind of a snob at first but comes around, can’t help that his head is full of Andalite propaganda. Fun alien shenanigans aside, a lot of his story has to do with slowly and painfully realizing how much of Andalite society kind of sucks, while also coming to appreciate humanity and develop a friendship with the others. Lives in the woods with Tobias, where they bond over being the best two characters.

Tobias, The Sensitive One 2.0 This One’s A Hawk: TOBIAS!!!! Did I fall in love with characters who have an ambivalent/ relationship with their own humanity because of Tobias, or did my love for this trope make me love him? Either way, Tobias is awesome. Starts out as a Troubled Teen from Circumstances, then immediately got stuck in his hawk morph. A lot of “I don’t even know if I’m a human anymore, what is humanity anyway” stuff. Eventually acquires his own DNA via time travel, and after that there’s the knowledge that he could always change back and live as a normal kid without having to eat mice or commit war crimes, but he chooses to stay. Probably a combination of wanting to help the others and not being 100% sure being a Troubled Teen from Circumstances is better than being a feral hawk. A good listener, too. I remember him playing the group therapist a lot, probably because he has a lot of time to think.

Some particularly memorable stories that come to mind when thinking back:

The One Where Jake Gets Yerked And They Stuff Him In The Shed For A Week

The One Where Ax Eats All The Cinnamon Buns

The One Where Ants Cause Great Trauma

The One Where Rachel Is Allergic To A Crocodile And Goes On TV

The One Where War Crimes Are Contemplated With Maple Flavored Oatmeal

The One Where Shitty All Seeing Aliens Show Them The Future And It Really Really Sucks

The One Where Sharks Get Smart

The One Where There’s A Yerk Chat Room

The One Where Cassie Turns Into A Caterpillar Because She STICKS TO HER PRINCIPLES

The One Where Tobias Learns The Shocking Truth Of His Birth But Forgets How To Look Surprised

The One Where Tobias Almost Gets Eaten By A Fucking Raccoon And It’s The Most Terrifying Thing I Ever Read

The One Where Another Kid Joins And Is Just A Real Shit So They Make Him A Rat And It’s Morally Uncomfortable

The Andalite Chronicles: Where Elfangor Gets Freaked Out By Shoes, Drinks Dr. Pepper and Sees A Man That’s All Pimple Because There Wasn’t Enough Body Horror In This Series Already