#readerxelliewilliams

[ssirenphony]

My Only Regrets (Ellie Williams x reader)

This one-shot was originally posted on my Wattpad account, if you're interested in going there my account is iyafae11 !! also I do requests so if you have any idea and or want a specific one-shot to be written, comment or message me!! I'm going to be posting my other one-shots that I already have written so stay tuned for those!! pls read the warnings below because these can be disturbing for some readers. stay safe!

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[word count: 4,035]

writing prompt: 'We had a fight and you left, and while you were gone you died and my last words to you were I hate you'

*chapter warnings! mentions of reader death, and extreme grief. literally, sm angst, arguing and su1cide*

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y/ns pov

"Why can't you listen to anything I say, it's like anything that comes out of my mouth completely goes over your head!" Ellie yelled, her voice echoing through the small house that we share. "Ellie fucking admit you're in love with her! I see the way she looks at you and you just let her!" I shout back, throwing my hands up in udder frustration. Ellie looks stunned for a moment, she never knew how I felt about her and Dinas' friendship until now. "oh my god.. you're that fucking selfish. you're jealous aren't you?" Ellie spat back, venom prevalent in her voice as she moved toward me. "what. jealous? is that what you fucking think? that I'm just jealous of you and... her.?" I say quietly, putting my hands over my face and exhaling as I turn around to face away from her, giving myself a second to take a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down. I turn back around and face her. "Why do you let her touch you like that! I see the way she plays with your hair and the way her gaze is somehow always on your lips." I choke back my words, my eyes welled up as I continued to yell at her. She opened her mouth to protest but I cut her off and stepped closer to her. "And you can sit here and lie to my face and deny it all! You're fucking in love with her. We've been together for four years, four fucking years Ellie! and you threw it away for HER." Ellie stepped closer to me with her arms tightly crossed over her chest. "What? am I not allowed to be friends with her because she's another girl? because you're fucking jealous?" "you know that's not what I fucking meant! you're not just friends, you both like each other, and it's obvious! You barely even come home anymore! you never eat dinner with me and you barely even look at me-" "Shut up, Y/n. Shut the fuckup-" 'I'm not going to shut the fuck up, you fucking lied to me and you fucking decided to go with her. after everything we've been through and you gave it up for her." I yelled at her, the tears that have been flooding my eyes had begun to fall as I looked toward Ellie in disgust. "I'm fucking done with you Ellie, you fucking broke my heart" I screamed at her, pointing at her with my index finger and stepping towards her. my finger almost touching her nose as I continued to scream at her. I watched as Ellie became filled with anger, her eyebrows furrowed and her lips pulled into a tight frown. She was shaking as she looked into my eyes as I continued to yell before she interrupted me. "I'm fucking tired of this y/n! I don't fucking care. okay? I fucking like her and she makes me feel better than you ever have made me feel. I fucking hate you!" those four words made my heart drop.

I fucking hate you.

my throat felt hoarse and I choked back my tears. Ellie's face dropped as she looked at me. I wrapped my arms around myself and backed away from her. "you promised me.. you promised me-" I said with a hiccup, my salty tears streaming down my flushed face and over my chapped lips. "you promised me that she meant nothing to you. I trusted you... I was here for you... I did everything for you." Ellie tried moving closer to me but I backed up farther. "Y/n... I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. I don't like her okay. I wasn't being serious, I didn't mean to say that. we're just friends, I told you that. Please I'm sorry." I backed up to the front door and grabbed my jacket off the rack and slipped it on quickly before struggling with my boots as I attempted to lace them back on. "Y/n stop. don't leave please I'm sorry.." "I don't want to hear it, Ellie.." I said with a sob, I finished lacing on my boots and swung my patrol backpack over my shoulder before reaching for the door handle. Ellie was quick to grab my hand and I quickly swatted her away and opened the front door, only to see a concerned face on the other side. Joel. He stood with his arm raised, seemingly about to knock on the door, he put his arm down. "Is everything alright?" He asked, I could only assume he heard the yelling and came out to check. He peered past me and looked at Ellie, who was avoiding eye contact and fidgeting with the hem of her jeans. My heart ached. Joel has always been there for me ever since I've made it to Jackson. He welcomed me and he helped me settle in, he helped me find a role in this town, and helped me make friends. I roughly wiped my tears and smiled sadly at him, "Everything is okay." I adjusted the strap of my backpack over my shoulder as it began to slip and I cleared my throat. "Are you sure kiddo? I heard you two yelling..-"

"Everything is fine."

I said, cutting him off. I didn't have the heart to tell him what was going on. I just wanted to get out of here. "I'm sorry I have to go-" I quickly said, pushing past him and walking away from the house as quickly as I could. i could hear Joel calling after me but I just kept walking. the cold breeze ran through my hair and I shivered, walking against the wind making my eyes prick with more tears after I tried so hard to stop. I followed the streets and the dim lights lining them until I made it to the front gates. the small patrol lookout window was glowing a pale orange, I assumed that it was caused by a lamp and I made my way up the ladder. I was met with two pairs of eyes, Anna and Jack who wore shocked expressions on their faces and they quickly moved away from each other. "relax, I'm not here to bust you guys or anything.." my voice trailed off as I thought over my wording. "I just need to go through the gates.. can you do that?" I asked. Peering at the two of them and my eyes landed on Jack. he cleared his throat before speaking, "I'm not really supposed to let anyone out right now-" " and you're also supposed to be up here alone. especially not sucking face with a girl while you're supposed to be on lookout duty." I said, my voice stern, and I watched as he moved uncomfortably. "fine if you can't let me out then ill just have to go to Tommy and Maria about how you're breaking clear town rules-" "okay! okay, fine ill let you out.. please don't tell them.." I grinned and made my way down the ladder. "be safe? I'm breaking a lot of rules letting you out of here.-" "I'll be fine." I said, now putting both straps over my shoulder and putting my hair out of my face. I watched as he quickly turned to me and sighed before opening the gate enough for me to slip through. before I could, he stopped me by putting his arm in front of me. "be back soon, it gets bright in a few hours and I really don't want to get in trouble." he said, his voice indicating his uneasiness about the situation. "relax. ill be back before anyone even notices I've been gone. if anyone asks, you saw me go to stay at a friend's house. got it?" he nodded and put his arm down to let me pass. I thanked him quickly and slipped through the gate and into the night. the sound of crickets and the occasional gust of wind made this world seem somewhat normal and it was quite calming. after discovering Jackson and being accepted into the community, I often forget what it's really like out there. there's never really infected close to home and the only encounters you really get are if you go on patrol. and even then it seems like there are not as many. I continued down the road and I followed the signs that I could recognize as my own. I usually took this route on days when I needed a break from everything and I'd even go here after patrols and search the shops and find small trinkets for Ellie on the way too... but not anymore. I couldn't believe that Ellie really chose her. I don't understand what is so special about that girl, after everything that Ellie and I have been through and after everything I've done for her I can't believe she would be so willing to throw it all away. the tears that were at bay began to trickle down my cheeks which were now pink because of the cold breeze. I pulled my hands up to cup them and zipped up my jacket. continuing my way towards the buildings that were just ahead. hoping to find a little warmth inside, the sky was clear and the moon was shining down on the streets. the overgrown brush and trees that took over the city always left me in awe. it was hard to imagine a life before all of this, being born into an apocalypse and this being all that you know. it's just bizarre to think that these streets used to be busy with people and cars rather than taken over once more by mother nature and animals like it was before civilization took it upon itself and made these cities. the cool breeze tickled my cheeks and my arms, even with a jacket the cold brushed up against me and make me somewhat regret leaving the warmth of home.

I thought for a moment,

can I even call it my home anymore?

with everything going on with Ellie and the way she looked at me, I felt like I had no choice but to leave. how could I stay in a house, a house that I once shared with a girl who completely betrayed me?

I fucking hate you.

those four words still taunting me as I walked further and further away from Jackson and deeper into the city. I approached a small building that was covered in vines, the sign was covered and so was the door. leading me to believe nobody has stepped foot into this building for years. I grabbed my pocket knife from my waist and quickly pulled down the vines from the sign and read.

'Val's convenience and shop'

perfect!

I grinned and began to cut the vines from the door. after removing the vines from the handle I quickly began working at the lock, I heard a click and I turned the handle. a loud creek was heard as I tried to open the door quickly without alerting any possible nearby infected, or people. I slipped inside and I shut the door behind me. turning on my flashlight and holding my gun up, I surveyed the room. there were two identical shelves on either side of the room. stocked with food and other things, medicine, and even a small clothing section. I cautiously walked down the first aisle, glancing at the various cans and boxed goods that had a thick layer of dust caked on top of them. I brushed the dust off a box of what appeared to be off-brand cereal. I smiled as I looked around more, plenty of food and supplies for months maybe even a year. it shocked me how this place was kept up and nobody came and raided it. it seemed simply too good to be true.

I continued my way down the aisle and then into the next, this aisle contained various medical supplies. mostly allergy and pain medication. small boxes of bandaids and a small amount of gauze. some antibacterial soaps and disinfectant items. I grabbed a few bottles of pain meds and some bandages and put them in my bag before continuing around the shop. I picked up a small stuffed animal that was laying on a shelf, seemingly where it didn't belong. I smiled softly, the small stuffed animal looking like a dog that I usually see back in Jackson. his owner, a sweet old man who brings me freshly baked bread and flowers he picks from his garden. he always told me how I reminded him of his daughter. I teared up remembering the man, deep down I want to go back but I know I shouldn't.

I can't look at her

I brushed the layer of dust off of the stuffed animal and set it neatly down on the shelf and wiped my eyes and cleared my throat. turning to continue down the aisle before I was pushed up against the shelf. the sudden blow to the back of my head from the shelf left my vision hazy and with the wind knocked out of me. I help my arm up against the infected's neck and used what strength I had to keep it away from me just long enough so I could grab my knife and impale its neck. I cried out as I sliced the infected upwards and pulled my knife out to throw another blow, this time landing on its forehead. I unwedged my knife and threw it off of me. I looked up quickly, the adrenaline in my body causing me to get into a stance as I watched a stalker race past the aisle.

'fuck fuck fuck fuck'

I grabbed my gun quickly from my back pocket, grabbing my flashlight quickly, and holding it up. shaking as I turned the corner and made my way down the aisle. I watched the stalker hide behind a shelf in front of me, I raised my gun and continued walking towards it. I watched as it walked out from behind the shelf and made its way toward me. I took a shot and hit it in the chest and then took another and hit its head. I let out a sigh of relief, keeping my gun raised I walked towards the body and lightly kicked it. my eyes shot to my left as a can fell off a shelf.

how many fucking things are in here? and how the fuck did they even get in?

I followed the noise and picked up the can and set it down to stop it from rolling. I heard shuffling next to me and I turned, raising my gun and then my light. only to be met with a set of teeth and flailing arms. the infected knocked the flashlight from my hands. I fired a shot out of instinct, missing and being thrown to the floor. I choked out a groan as I felt the infected land on top of me. its teeth bared and limbs erratic as it clawed and screamed.

not like this, not like this, please

I struggled as the weight of the infected held my arm down as I attempted to grab the gun. I reached, my body aching as I stretched my arm as far as I could. my fingertips grazing the cold metal. my only hope. the first thing I felt was the warmth, the searing heat that I felt on my arm. I could feel the grinding of the infected teeth in my flesh. I let out a cry, the infected being distracted by tearing open my arm gave me more room to reach for my gun. gripping it tightly and shooting it in the head. the shock hit me a few minutes later, I threw the body off of me and looked down at my arm. my blood running down my forearm and dripping onto the linoleum floor. I groaned as I pulled my arm to my chest and stumbled to the aisle with medical supplies and sat myself down on the ground. I grabbed a pack of gauze and quickly opened it. unrolling it shakily and dressing the bite. I choked back tears as I looked up at the shelf in front of me. the small stuffed animal dog sat and I couldn't help but let out a cry.

I wasn't going home, I wasn't going to be able to pet the dog one last time. or thank the old man for giving me fresh homemade bread and flowers. I wouldn't be able to go on patrol with Joel or hear his gruff voice in the mornings when he practically had to force me up for the day. I wouldn't be able to volunteer at the daycare and sit and draw with the kids who were always so happy to see me. I wouldn't get to go home anymore, I wouldn't be able to stand and pose in our small little house for Ellie so she can draw me for her sketchbook. I wouldn't get to be in her arms as we'd sit and she'd talk all about her favorite comics for hours or how much she loves to make little stickers to put on the lunch she packs for me when I go on patrols without her.

my sobs echoed throughout the small shop as I held the small stuffed animal and a notepad. my hands trembling as I weakly picked up a pen and wrote a note. a note full of my regrets on leaving Jackson. my regrets with Ellie and how much I love her and I'm sorry. how much I wish I could see her again and how much ill miss Joel. how much it's not her fault and I should've never left. and how much I don't blame her for anything. and how much I love her and I know she's happy with Dina. and how this shouldn't hold her back from being with her. I signed the paper with a little heart and ripped it off the notepad, writing 'Ellie' on the cover and folding it before laying it next to the dog stuffed animal I placed next to me. I sighed, I could feel a fever coming on. my wound causing my arm to ache.

the cold metal sat in my lap, safety off.

I knew what would happen eventually, I would turn into an infected and possibly harm someone. I couldn't think about that, what if someone from Jackson came to look for me? and they find this building and I hurt them? I couldn't live with that thought.

my hands trembled as I picked up my gun,

I didn't want things to end like this, hell I should've never even left Jackson. I raised my gun, the cold barrel resting on my temple. it felt soothing on my feverish skin, I glanced over toward the window that was covered in vines. the light peeked through and I felt good knowing someone would find me soon. I just hoped it wouldn't be her. I clamped my eyes shut and exhaled deeply before pulling the trigger.

Ellies pov

I heard the gunshots, we all did. there were several and with each one, my worrying intensified. I can't believe y/n just left. especially without telling someone where they were going. then there was another gunshot. a singular boom that caused birds to scatter and fly away and my heart to drop in my chest. I hoped to god it was just y/n shooting and they were okay rather than a random person out here. but at the same time, I just wished they'd never have to use their gun. Joel, Tommy, and I all set out to find y/n and bring them home. I regret a lot of what I said to them, I never wanted to leave them. Dina means everything to me but I could never be able to put into words how much more y/n means to me.

the three of us continued down the road and towards the gunshots, several buildings were in front of us, all taken over by vines and shrubs that encased the building. except one. one without vines covering the door, the one that lacked a lock and the sign was visible. "That's the only building that the door isn't covered," Tommy said, pointing over towards the convenience store. I nodded and Joel agreed. "We need to check it and make sure they aren't in trouble," I said, pulling my gun from the back of my pants and turning the safety off. "Okay, let's go," Joel replied, grabbing his gun and Tommy soon followed. Joel went first, then me and then Tommy as we all followed the road to the front of the shop. Joel grabbed the door handle and turned to the two of us for confirmation before he opened the door. I took the first aisle and Joel and Tommy split to take the others, I followed the aisle all the way down until I was met with the putrid smell of rotting flesh. an infected lay at my feet. a singular gunshot wound to the head and another to the chest. I covered my nose in disgust and turned my attention to the other aisle and that's when I heard Joel. "Ellie, don't come over here kiddo." I stopped for a second before hurrying over to where they are. the sight in front of me was enough to make me throw up, Joel stood next to y/ns body and Tommy stood directly in front of them. "Ellie..." Tommy started, tears running down my face as I walked towards their body. Tommy stood, blocking the way and I quickly pushed him out of the way. he grabbed my hand but I just brushed him off and collapsed in front of them. I grabbed their hand and squeezed it tightly. my head resting on their chest as I choked out a sob. "no no no no! I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry." I sobbed, clutching their shirt and holding onto them tightly. "this should've never happened... I should've never let you leave." I pulled away from their chest and turned to Joel, who wore a frown and rubbed my back gently. I turned and peered to their side and I couldn't help but smile at the small dog stuffed animal that sat with a piece of paper on the floor. I knew what the paper was, I knew what it would say. I didn't know if I could physically get myself to read it, but I felt obligated to because of the cursive writing that sat on the cover.

Ellie

I'm so sorry Ellie, I'm sorry for leaving. I never wanted this to happen. I hope you weren't the one to find me, I didn't want you to see me like this. I know that we argued and I know that some things were said but I just wanted to say that I love you and I don't want you to blame yourself. this happened because I put my guard down. not because of you. I love you so much, please don't forget me. please take care of yourself and please tell Joel how much I love him. I'm going to miss you and your comic books. please take care of Joel and please don't stay stuck on me. you deserve to live your best life, especially if that means you're happy with her.

- y/n <3

a sob wracked my body, all of the air I had left in my lungs suddenly came out with one sharp breath. I hugged their body and sobbed. I don't know how long I stayed there, full of guilt and feeling an undeniable emptiness in my chest as I clutched my dead partner in my arms just praying that they'd come home safe so I can take back what I said. I don't hate you. I'm sorry.

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i hope u enjoyed and again, I do requests so get into contact with me if u have any!!