#recently it's come to my attention that i cannot distinguish between it and romantic (+sexual??) attraction

[cypric-rat-hyperfixation]

umhhh I may (??) have bpd 😍✨

tune in for the latest in op's growing collection of mental illnesses next month, on an all-new episode of

disorder hoarder

[luobingmeis]

(do not re/blog please!!!)

(i also mention sexual stuff so like. be warned? i’m literally just word vomiting beneath the cut)

so not to be dramatic for a hot second but this is one of those things where i was like “hmm maybe i can just talk this out with one of my friends and have a listening ear” but that would just divulge into me getting too anxious about. so many things. but, having gone through many (personal) things recently, somehow “realizing that i may have a very complicated relationship with romantic attraction yet also being a lesbian” has. uh. how do you say. really fucked with me.

bc like. idk how to word it. i can get attached/infatuated very easily but also i have. very bad commitment issues? and that makes it very hard to distinguish anything???? and ngl it stresses me out so badly bc like. i’ve been talking to a girl (like texting and stuff) for almost two months and it feels Natural to say “oh yeah i like her i can see this going somewhere i think” but i also am sitting here literally unable to distinguish romantic feelings from friendship and like. i’ve come to the realization that so many of my friends are like “oh you just Know when you have feelings for someone” and maybe i’m just picky or maybe i just need more time or maybe? something else???? like ngl it’s kinda terrifying bc im talking to this girl and it feels Natural and i like talking to her and she’s super fun and nice and we seem to get on well so i’m like “oh yeah i can see myself dating her i think” and, while of course dating is complicated 100x more bc of the pandemic and also just general dorming in college, i feel like if there is something there i should be more Committed? or more definite?? but i literally go in and out of “oh yes this is a crush” and “we’re just talking” and i literally don’t know what i’m supposed to be feeling????? and this is not the first time this has happened??????? like ever since 2017, i feel like i go in this cycle of “infatuated crush ---> get anxious/realize it was just infatuation ---> feel guilty/drown myself in work to make an excuse/brick myself off” and this is the first time in a while that i’m wishy-washy bc i Like talking to her even tho im so bad at texting and im terrified that it’s gonna fuck this up and like i can imagine going on dates with her (this is in a no-covid scenario like yes ik rn it would be very Not Safe to start dating Now) and it feels Natural but i feel like i just can’t get myself to feel that Spark like. i want to! i very much want to! and i feel like maybe i’m just thinking too much into it and i need to also understand that i probably really can’t Know until there’s a meeting in person (which i don’t think that’s gonna happen bc 1. going back to college and 2. most importatly, pandemic) and like people have told me that!!!! that i can’t always just Feel something through a screen and need that in-person contact. but i just keep getting hung up on the fact that i have such a hard time distinguishing from infatuation and a crush/love, and then a crush and friendship. and like it’s stressful!!! bc it really almost feels like natural to say “oh yeah this is a crush” bc 1) it’s been over a month and i haven’t gotten bored/made myself stress ghost and 2) it’s not like the act of dating her is out of the question, and i feel like i Could. but. is there supposed to be a spark??? bc i am literally sitting here and cannot distinguish between crush and friendship, and sometimes i get a pang of “oh yes i am in this for the long run” but is that just infatuation?? or, tbh worse, is that just...... me liking the attention?????????

but then sometimes i just. get a compliment from a separate friend. and i’m suddenly like “oh shit i’m in love with her!!” and then have to deal with whatever those feelings are, even if it’s just infatuation for like 5 hours

(and then there’s the complication bc i know i feel sexual attraction towards women and that just kinda makes my head spin more bc how can i be so sure about that but literally be having an on-going crisis abt romantic attraction)

anyways this is becoming long and ngl im kinda nervous but

tldr: for years, i thought i was just a lesbian who was picky and had commitment issues and now i have had the time to think about my complicated relationship with specifically romantic attraction and now i’m sitting here unable to distinguish my feelings from romantic and just friendship and idk if this is just. a typical experience. or something else. bc the idea of romance/dating isn’t Out Of The Question but i am also terrified and i’m fearing that my “sparks” were just infatuation at the idea of getting attention. but then, the other side of things is that dating and romance doesn’t seem Far Off, i just..... can’t pinpoint what i’m feeling. bc i don’t know!

[hippyspacewitch]

Unable to freely wield confidence temporarily displayed for whatever partial second you might see. Very few even exist, if not any for the majority of time, before I began capturing moments. It isn’t to remember, recently I’ve spent far too much time trying to fall back into my picture. Making an attempt to ward away this lost sense of identity, but that action alone cannot stop a snapshot from reducing everything by nature, therefore in my opinion cheapening my experience somewhat.

During my time in Arizona, there were members of certain Native American tribes which informed me they believe a photograph is capable of stealing a person’s essence. Not necessarily all at once. It depends on what kind of power the object and person in its possession hold.

Soul searching is endless in a way. I’ve accepted that things can never be how I want them to be, not entirely. There’s a lot to cover there, so I won’t even start. I’ll just say, I hope growing does not end here.

It’s been a few months since my physical health has taken a bit of a downturn. I haven’t opened up to anyone about it. I don’t intended on elaborating here, but it hasn’t been very good. I have an appointment to hopefully find referrals in February. I’ll know more after that. My attitude hasn’t been good either. At times I want to get sick and die, just so I can feel even close to satisfied knowing I made changes anyone who knew me five years ago could plainly see, but more than that I’m happy to have been true to myself to the point I cry tears of joy.

May come as a surprise to some, but I do pray, and listen I have every excuse to believe at one time or another, the Goddess has abandoned me, yet I reach out. I am Her symbol of faith. There is a reason I’m sensitive. Although you may not agree with the methodology, my dedication is indisputable. It is this day again, humble but willing to ask for more patience and strength.

Hoping to distinguish a difference between me, myself, and my ego the living embodiment of frailty. If I can make it through the year improving my health, then it shall be for the better. It has been painful making changes again, I keep telling myself it will get easier, but if it gets worse before it gets better, so be it.

I sold the world. Leaving everyone I knew well enough behind, never asking one person to follow me. If you are a person who once uttered my dead name, and you are reading this now. I needed you a long time ago.

I ran the social media gambit with people from my past who thought now it was time to pay attention, after I did all the hard work on my own. For a while, I entertained their approval so they could pat themselves on the back, and say they were there to make a difference. No one made a difference besides me. No one made it easier, in actuality the people I romanticized the most served to disappoint me and my unreachable expectations, not saying the bar ever need to be high for some.

For those who only know this person by her true name, I apologize if you’ve made any real attempt to reach me, only to be shut out. I am often unreachable, unresponsive, and disassociative. I don’t have energy for anyone not really here, in a deeper sense I’m so desperate for the alternative. I used to pretend very well to care about people who have little to not interest in my wellbeing. I made it my profession for awhile, but I never thought I could make a life from it. Care that comes outside of reading a post every few months, where I just explode like this. For that alone connections are not a priority for me, as I’m just working on reinventing myself to where I better recognize the womxn I have hid away more than most of my life.

Luckily, even though I’ve treaded a long way out to water, there is still this amazing person who is so patient with me, she has been for a few years now, she is accepting of all my faults, and looking out for me. We share a similar path and even if we don’t have a physical romantic relationship, I love her. I’m not a fetish to her, she doesn’t sexualize my needs to align myself correctly. She’s the first honest to god person to help me improve myself. We have had our struggles and she has grown so much since I met her, I’m glad I could help. I know that’s why she cares for me, because I put her needs next to my own. We prop each other up that way. She is pretty much as isolated as I am, if not more. We match well and she is my best friend. I’m so fortunate to have attracted her attention all those years ago. She lets me do what I believe will make me happy and I feel like I trust her as much as I can.

I haven’t spent hardly any time searching for people who will prey on my weakness and vulnerability. Small amounts, it’s somewhat unavoidable when you’re the female of the species, but I could be worse off for it. Plenty of examples out there to learn from. I crave physical intimacy, but I can’t get comfortable or form a connection until after establishing enough time together to get to know someone. I kind of hate how most people want to talk it out to death on a phone before the act itself even happens, or all they do is ask for pictures. It makes me hate technology.

Alone I’ve rediscovered by own sexuality, for better and worse, as my past is littered with abuse, trauma, and genuine negativity. For that, I doubt I’ll share myself fully with any random stranger who hasn’t known me for more than ten minutes. That has come as a surprise almost every man I’ve personally met, also if I haven’t met you in person, we haven’t met personally. So feel free to do the math there.

Just a brief run down on my vagina functionality, after two years, in case anyone is wondering, I found a new toy called The Empress. Shout out to theguerrillafeminist on Instagram for getting me that steal of a discount. It mimics oral sex, but honestly it is way better than any oral sex I’ve ever had. That’s the only sex I’ve had still, no rush there. The toy is great and really the only thing to get me incredibly wet prior to climaxing. I have a hard time focusing on myself. It has changed my life. Sometimes masturbation is the only thing that frees me from the hell of disassociation. I’m pretty good with my hands, but the toy definitely helps stimulate bunches. Plus it is also just nice to mix things up.

I really should share the information on my favorite dildo too, it is glow in the dark, has a suction cup that works well! I use it in the shower a lot. It’s also a great size for me personally, maybe too big for some, but I really appreciates that it’s made from silicone I believe and works with like every kind of lubricant. It has balls, and I guess I kind of like that because I want it as close to the real thing as possible.

I feel like I’m on an island of my own, but I’m learning to embrace self care and restraint easier, that will dip and rise. At times it feels instinctive for me to self harm, but it comes in the form of being far more indirect these days. Sadness and bad habits have replaced swollen knuckles, burns, along with my need to see red. Giving up these habits never came about through recovery. I choose not, because I don’t even feel like I own myself anymore. Like I cannot let people believe I’m no better or worse from this, and no it isn’t fair considering all the shit I have to put up with, but it is a cross I bear. I’ve exceeded what were very low expectations, so I don’t even feel like I have any right to damage myself directly.

Opening up about my mental health freely here. Doing so without shame. I have various diagnosed mental illnesses and ptsd as a result of physical abuse, sexual trauma, and exposure as a child. For that alone, my fantasies are often linked to rape in various ways. If you are a woman who goes through similar phases, as a result of surviving the awful incident itself, feel free to explicitly reach out to me in a way that conveys you are feeling alone and need help specifically being reminded that it is natural and you don’t need to feel guilty. I became close friends with a women who really helped set my head on straight. It was so helpful to just know I’m not the only one who has these thoughts. I’m done feeling guilty about the suggestive fictional material I choose to read or otherwise seek familiar arousal in. Rape culture created the fantasy for women long before my individual experience, yet stigma exists and it is something we should all be more open to discussing. No one should feel the need to endure shame and guilt someone else put on them against their will.

Please don’t message me asking for specifics about physical health, I won’t open up about it, unless you are someone who I spend enough time around that I feel comfortable with. You will have to make an effort to form a real life bond with me. Mental health is a different question, in case you’re wondering, feel free to ask. No one ever cares to ask about that, that’s why I said you could. Also, just thought it might be worth a mention, my health emergencies are entirely separate to anything post surgery or hormone replacement therapy related.

[scarleteenconfidential]

Scarleteen Confidential: Helping Youth Handle Rejection

It's a painful reality that shootings and other acts of mass violence are horrifically common in the U.S, spreading grief to individuals, families, and communities. Each time the news breaks about a new incident, we find ourselves in the midst of a cycle of “why does this happen and how can we stop it” news stories, op eds, and social media debates. It’s exhausting, heart-wrenching, and frustrating all at once. And even though we’re seeing measures, many of them youth-led, to change the laws around gun access and school safety, the average adult may feel a bit helpless in the face of recurring violence.

One factor in these violent incidents that is only recently being widely acknowledged is the role misogyny and entitlement play in driving the young men who commit these acts. A recurring pattern is that they are turned down by a specific young woman, or believe that women are somehow denying them the love and sex they’re owed, and decide to exact violent revenge for these slights. While there are other elements, such as gun access, that play a role in these incidents, we cannot ignore the ways entitlement and rage act as motivators.

In the aftermath of the Santa Fe High shooting, this Twitter thread about young men learning to accept a “no” drew attention to the ways in which adults can change the messages young people are getting about gender, dating, and rejection. These tweets highlight the fact that young people don’t arrive at their conclusions about appropriate romantic behavior in a vacuum; they’re influenced by a myriad of messages, including input from the adults in their lives. Sometimes that input includes ideas that end up exacerbating issues around rejection and dating.

One of the ways we can work towards a world in which acts like this no longer happen, a world in which people, and women in particular, aren’t afraid their “no” will make them a target of violence, is to make a concerted effort to help the young people in our lives learn to deal with rejection in healthy ways. With that in mind, we’ve put together recommendations to assist adults in doing exactly that.

Ditching Gender Notions

A few days ago, I was doing an outreach session with a group of young men. One of our discussion questions was about rejection and how to handle it, which branched out to talking about how to be respectful of someone when asking for a date and the way that certain gender norms get in the way of explicit communication about desire. The young men talked about wanting to be sure they weren’t coming off as pushy or creepy, and wanting to be aware of the boundaries of the young women they were interested in.

Why do I bring this up?

Because one of the most insidious sources feeding the bad advice adults give young people is that there are certain toxic behaviors that are “just how boys are” or “just how girls are.” And that, to successfully get a date, one has to either put up with or push past those behaviors. The best example of this is the idea that women never say what they mean, so when they say, “no, I don’t want to date you” what they really mean is, “keep trying.” The reverse of this is that many young women grow up being told that all boys are pushy and that they should just learn to deal with it. What this results in is a dynamic where boys feel like they should keep asking a girl out after she says no, and girls feel like there’s little they can do to make those asks stop, and everyone ends up feeling cruddy.

The conversation I had with the young men at outreach demonstrates how reductive and inaccurate those beliefs about gender are, and how open young people are to figuring out how to respect boundaries and learning ways to accept rejection gracefully. The vast majority of young people want to be conscious of boundaries and avoid being jerks. Changing the discussions we have with them about consent and rejection doesn’t require pushing against some immutable gender characteristics; it requires some open, honest, and occasionally awkward conversations.

Respecting Boundaries

You can help the young people in your life learn how to respect boundaries by leading by example. That includes asking for permission to touch people and honoring their answers, not trying to argue your way around rules, and handling rejection as gracefully as possible. It helps to be extra-respectful of young people’s boundaries when you interact with them. In doing so, you’re offering them a model to follow for what a respectful reaction to a boundary looks like. You’re also reinforcing the idea that respecting a boundary is the default. That means they’ll know that pushing or arguing the boundary is not what they’re “supposed” to do, and that if someone is doing it to them it’s a sign that person may not be safe to be around. This approach also helps them understand that it’s okay to set boundaries, and that doing so doesn’t make them unreasonable or mean.

A time where respecting boundaries can be tricky for young people is when they find themselves crushing on someone. Crushes can make people act like lovesick puppies, complete with the disregard for boundaries usually found in small, highly-excitable dogs. It may be tempting, as an adult, to encourage some of those puppyish behaviors. Maybe you fondly remember your first few crushes, the bubbly, happy feeling of finding out your crush liked you back and the young love that came after that. And heck, it can be quite an “aww” moment to watch the young people in your lives find happiness and romance. So, you encourage the young person to do what they can to make their feelings known and win their crushee’s affection.

In your excitement, don’t lose sight of the fact that the line between “sweet crush” behavior and “oh my god please leave me alone” behavior is a thin one. If the young person in your life has been turned down by their crush, you can offer a sympathetic ear (or a hug) if they want one. But please don’t advise them to keep trying until their crush relents and agrees to date them. We don’t live in a romantic comedy universe; we live in a universe where people are likely to get increasingly freaked out if someone they turned down for a date or dumped keeps showing up at their lunch table with flowers or declarations of love.

While we’re on the subject of declarations of affection, if we want to create a world where rejection doesn’t result in deadly consequences, we need to stuff the idea of “just give them a chance” into the trash. That saying seems innocuous, maybe even kind, at first glance, but it reinforces deeply unhelpful notions about boundaries.

Firstly, it tells people who assert their boundaries and turn someone down that they’re being mean, unreasonable, and should ignore their own boundaries in order to let someone have romantic or sexual access to them.

It also sets up an expectation in the asker, especially if they are a young man, that they are owed a chance to date whoever catches their eye. That little seed of entitlement can easily grow into resentment and anger. If a guy grows up thinking women should just give him a chance and encounters the reality of women with boundaries and preferences that don’t include him, he could feel he’s being cheated of something he has a right to. And if he feels cheated, there’s unfortunately a chance that he’ll take his anger out on that woman and other bystanders.

Instead of the “just give them a chance” approach, you could encourage young people to use the “ask once” policy in their social circles. Put simply, the policy means that you get to ask a person out once and if they say “no” that’s the end of it unless they voluntarily come back later with an “actually…” at which point the clock resets and you can ask again. This approach is great because it has clear rules and expectations. It removes some of the stress from the interaction since everyone is taking the words exchanged at face value. No one has to worry about their boundaries being disrespected or someone saying something they don’t really mean.

Because some reports of the recent shootings have cast the perpetrators as “bullied,” it may also help to remind the young people in your life (and maybe some adults) that turning down someone for a date or otherwise not returning their romantic interest is not the same as bullying. Bullying is actively singling out people to mock or torment, not telling someone “no” when what they want to hear is “yes.”

It’s also important to remember that young people, especially young women, often have their initial “no” ignored by the person pursuing them. If that happens often enough, or the person just will not leave them alone, they may start saying “no” in increasingly forceful ways. If their boundaries were ignored when they said something gentle like, “oh, I’m not interested, sorry” they might resort to the “knock it off and LEAVE ME ALONE” approach to defend them. To a person who hasn’t witnessed the previous conversations, that reaction could seem cruel or unnecessary. But if a young person has hit that level of force in defending their boundaries, chances are there were many smaller boundary pushes leading up to that moment.

Handling rejection

If a young person in your life is rejected by someone they’re interested in, there are two approaches that can be helpful.

The first is to acknowledge just how much rejection sucks and validate whatever they’re feeling. As with break-ups, they could be feeling sad, angry, disappointed, numb, or a host of other emotions. Ask them what they need right then, whether that’s space to listen to sad songs and cry or a sympathetic ear, and offer it if you can. Having a supportive person in their life can take some of the sting out of rejection.

Rejection also offers a chance to talk with the young person about how they can get through and bounce back when they don’t get what they want. Rejection doesn’t solely show up in the romantic parts of life; it crops up in work, in school, in friendships, and all sorts of other places. So, learning to handle rejection early on in life can help them be more resilient as they get older. It also helps them be the kind of person other people feel safe around. If they’re known as the person who was bummed but respectful when turned down for a date, or who was sad but supportive when their friend made the team and they didn’t, they’re going to find that people are more inclined to be around and trust them because they’ve shown they won’t take their disappointment out on everybody else.

When you’re talking to young people about romantic rejection, there are a few different points you can bring up to help them feel better:

Rejection is often about different preferences or needs, not about their inherent worth as a person. Being turned down by a crush doesn’t mean they don’t have lots to offer as an individual; it means the person they approached is looking for something different and that’s okay. There’s a lot of chance involved in finding a person you’re interested in dating who’s also interested in dating you, which means sooner or later everyone gets turned down by someone they like.

The person who rejected them is not the only person in the world. I don’t mean this in the “there are plenty of fish in the sea” way, although that’s certainly true. Rather, it can be helpful to help a young person notice all the people in their life who care about them and do want to spend time with them. That shifts the focus away from the pain of the rejection and onto the more positive feelings of support and affection. This can also be a good time to encourage them to do self-care. Sometimes, when a bunch of energy has been focused on a crush or a romantic relationship, people forget to nurture their relationship with themselves. The period of time that comes after rejection is a great opportunity to do that.

Don’t view it as a dead end. Rejection can feel like opening a door to what you thought was a room full of treasure only to smack face-first into a brick wall. A way to rebound from rejection is to think about the disappointment in new ways. What do you have the opportunity to do now that you know the outcome? Is there anything to learn from the experience?

Rejection is a part of life, and it’s also a sign that you’re living. If you never take the risk of sharing your feelings with someone or asking if they’d like to get to know you better, you never get to the chance to see what might come from those confessions. Rejection is proof that you’re trying, and that you’ve got the courage to keep doing so.

Even if you help the young people in your life learn that rejection is not the end of the world, there’s no guarantee that they won’t turn their anger or disappointment on others. But just because we can’t prevent every negative outcome doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least try to change the conversations and expectations young people have boundaries and rejection. The more we help young people build a culture where everyone’s boundaries are respected, and no one feels they are owed access to another person, the better chance we have of creating a safer, more peaceful world for generations to come.

-Sam

This is part of our series for parents or guardians. To find out more about the series, click here. For our top five guiding principles for parents or guardians, click here; for a list of resources, click here. To see all posts in the series, click the Scarleteen Confidential tag at Scarleteen, or follow the series here on Tumblr at scarleteenconfidential.tumblr.com.

[ellenlucasonlinedatingblog]

Scarleteen Confidential: Helping Youth Handle Rejection

This is part of our series for parents or guardians. To find out more about the series, click here. For our top five guiding principles for parents or guardians click here; for a list of resources, click here. To see all posts in the series, click the Scarleteen Confidential tag below, or follow the series on Tumblr at scarleteenconfidential.tumblr.com.

It's a painful reality that shootings and other acts of mass violence are horrifically common in the U.S, spreading grief to individuals, families, and communities. Each time the news breaks about a new incident, we find ourselves in the midst of a cycle of “why does this happen and how can we stop it” news stories, op eds, and social media debates. It’s exhausting, heart-wrenching, and frustrating all at once. And even though we’re seeing measures, many of them youth-led, to change the laws around gun access and school safety, the average adult may feel a bit helpless in the face of recurring violence.

One factor in these violent incidents that is only recently being widely acknowledged is the role misogyny and entitlement play in driving the young men who commit these acts. A recurring pattern is that they are turned down by a specific young woman, or believe that women are somehow denying them the love and sex they’re owed, and decide to exact violent revenge for these slights. While there are other elements, such as gun access, that play a role in these incidents, we cannot ignore the ways entitlement and rage act as motivators.

In the aftermath of the Santa Fe High shooting, this Twitter thread about young men learning to accept a “no” drew attention to the ways in which adults can change the messages young people are getting about gender, dating, and rejection. These tweets highlight the fact that young people don’t arrive at their conclusions about appropriate romantic behavior in a vacuum; they’re influenced by a myriad of messages, including input from the adults in their lives. Sometimes that input includes ideas that end up exacerbating issues around rejection and dating.

One of the ways we can work towards a world in which acts like this no longer happen, a world in which people, and women in particular, aren’t afraid their “no” will make them a target of violence, is to make a concerted effort to help the young people in our lives learn to deal with rejection in healthy ways. With that in mind, we’ve put together recommendations to assist adults in doing exactly that.

Ditching Gender Notions

A few days ago, I was doing an outreach session with a group of young men. One of our discussion questions was about rejection and how to handle it, which branched out to talking about how to be respectful of someone when asking for a date and the way that certain gender norms get in the way of explicit communication about desire. The young men talked about wanting to be sure they weren’t coming off as pushy or creepy, and wanting to be aware of the boundaries of the young women they were interested in.

Why do I bring this up?

Because one of the most insidious sources feeding the bad advice adults give young people is that there are certain toxic behaviors that are “just how boys are” or “just how girls are.” And that, to successfully get a date, one has to either put up with or push past those behaviors. The best example of this is the idea that women never say what they mean, so when they say, “no, I don’t want to date you” what they really mean is, “keep trying.” The reverse of this is that many young women grow up being told that all boys are pushy and that they should just learn to deal with it. What this results in is a dynamic where boys feel like they should keep asking a girl out after she says no, and girls feel like there’s little they can do to make those asks stop, and everyone ends up feeling cruddy.

The conversation I had with the young men at outreach demonstrates how reductive and inaccurate those beliefs about gender are, and how open young people are to figuring out how to respect boundaries and learning ways to accept rejection gracefully. The vast majority of young people want to be conscious of boundaries and avoid being jerks. Changing the discussions we have with them about consent and rejection doesn’t require pushing against some immutable gender characteristics; it requires some open, honest, and occasionally awkward conversations.

Respecting Boundaries

You can help the young people in your life learn how to respect boundaries by leading by example. That includes asking for permission to touch people and honoring their answers, not trying to argue your way around rules, and handling rejection as gracefully as possible. It helps to be extra-respectful of young people’s boundaries when you interact with them. In doing so, you’re offering them a model to follow for what a respectful reaction to a boundary looks like. You’re also reinforcing the idea that respecting a boundary is the default. That means they’ll know that pushing or arguing the boundary is not what they’re “supposed” to do, and that if someone is doing it to them it’s a sign that person may not be safe to be around. This approach also helps them understand that it’s okay to set boundaries, and that doing so doesn’t make them unreasonable or mean.

A time where respecting boundaries can be tricky for young people is when they find themselves crushing on someone. Crushes can make people act like lovesick puppies, complete with the disregard for boundaries usually found in small, highly-excitable dogs. It may be tempting, as an adult, to encourage some of those puppyish behaviors. Maybe you fondly remember your first few crushes, the bubbly, happy feeling of finding out your crush liked you back and the young love that came after that. And heck, it can be quite an “aww” moment to watch the young people in your lives find happiness and romance. So, you encourage the young person to do what they can to make their feelings known and win their crushee’s affection.

In your excitement, don’t lose sight of the fact that the line between “sweet crush” behavior and “oh my god please leave me alone” behavior is a thin one. If the young person in your life has been turned down by their crush, you can offer a sympathetic ear (or a hug) if they want one. But please don’t advise them to keep trying until their crush relents and agrees to date them. We don’t live in a romantic comedy universe; we live in a universe where people are likely to get increasingly freaked out if someone they turned down for a date or dumped keeps showing up at their lunch table with flowers or declarations of love.

While we’re on the subject of declarations of affection, if we want to create a world where rejection doesn’t result in deadly consequences, we need to stuff the idea of “just give them a chance” into the trash. That saying seems innocuous, maybe even kind, at first glance, but it reinforces deeply unhelpful notions about boundaries.

Firstly, it tells people who assert their boundaries and turn someone down that they’re being mean, unreasonable, and should ignore their own boundaries in order to let someone have romantic or sexual access to them.

It also sets up an expectation in the asker, especially if they are a young man, that they are owed a chance to date whoever catches their eye. That little seed of entitlement can easily grow into resentment and anger. If a guy grows up thinking women should just give him a chance and encounters the reality of women with boundaries and preferences that don’t include him, he could feel he’s being cheated of something he has a right to. And if he feels cheated, there’s unfortunately a chance that he’ll take his anger out on that woman and other bystanders.

Because some reports of the recent shootings have cast the perpetrators as “bullied,” it may also help to remind the young people in your life (and maybe some adults) that turning down someone for a date or otherwise not returning their romantic interest is not the same as bullying. Bullying is actively singling out people to mock or torment, not telling someone “no” when what they want to hear is “yes.”

It’s also important to remember that young people, especially young women, often have their initial “no” ignored by the person pursuing them. If that happens often enough, or the person just will not leave them alone, they may start saying “no” in increasingly forceful ways. If their boundaries were ignored when they said something gentle like, “oh, I’m not interested, sorry” they might resort to the “knock it off and LEAVE ME ALONE” approach to defend them. To a person who hasn’t witnessed the previous conversations, that reaction could seem cruel or unnecessary. But if a young person has hit that level of force in defending their boundaries, chances are there were many smaller boundary pushes leading up to that moment.

Instead of the “just give them a chance” approach, you could encourage young people to use the “ask once” policy in their social circles. Put simply, the policy means that you get to ask a person out once and if they say “no” that’s the end of it unless they voluntarily come back later with an “actually…” at which point the clock resets and you can ask again. This approach is great because it has clear rules and expectations. It removes some of the stress from the interaction since everyone is taking the words exchanged at face value. No one has to worry about their boundaries being disrespected or someone saying something they don’t really mean.

Handling rejection

If a young person in your life is rejected by someone they’re interested in, there are two approaches that can be helpful.

The first is to acknowledge just how much rejection sucks and validate whatever they’re feeling. As with break-ups, they could be feeling sad, angry, disappointed, numb, or a host of other emotions. Ask them what they need right then, whether that’s space to listen to sad songs and cry or a sympathetic ear, and offer it if you can. Having a supportive person in their life can take some of the sting out of rejection.

Rejection also offers a chance to talk with the young person about how they can get through and bounce back when they don’t get what they want. Rejection doesn’t solely show up in the romantic parts of life; it crops up in work, in school, in friendships, and all sorts of other places. So, learning to handle rejection early on in life can help them be more resilient as they get older. It also helps them be the kind of person other people feel safe around. If they’re known as the person who was bummed but respectful when turned down for a date, or who was sad but supportive when their friend made the team and they didn’t, they’re going to find that people are more inclined to be around and trust them because they’ve shown they won’t take their disappointment out on everybody else.

When you’re talking to young people about romantic rejection, there are a few different points you can bring up to help them feel better:

Rejection is often about different preferences or needs, not about their inherent worth as a person. Being turned down by a crush doesn’t mean they don’t have lots to offer as an individual; it means the person they approached is looking for something different and that’s okay. There’s a lot of chance involved in finding a person you’re interested in dating who’s also interested in dating you, which means sooner or later everyone gets turned down by someone they like.

The person who rejected them is not the only person in the world. I don’t mean this in the “there are plenty of fish in the sea” way, although that’s certainly true. Rather, it can be helpful to help a young person notice all the people in their life who care about them and do want to spend time with them. That shifts the focus away from the pain of the rejection and onto the more positive feelings of support and affection. This can also be a good time to encourage them to do self-care. Sometimes, when a bunch of energy has been focused on a crush or a romantic relationship, people forget to nurture their relationship with themselves. The period of time that comes after rejection is a great opportunity to do that.

Don’t view it as a dead end. Rejection can feel like opening a door to what you thought was a room full of treasure only to smack face-first into a brick wall. A way to rebound from rejection is to think about the disappointment in new ways. What do you have the opportunity to do now that you know the outcome? Is there anything to learn from the experience?

Rejection is a part of life, and it’s also a sign that you’re living. If you never take the risk of sharing your feelings with someone or asking if they’d like to get to know you better, you never get to the chance to see what might come from those confessions. Rejection is proof that you’re trying, and that you’ve got the courage to keep doing so.

Even if you help the young people in your life learn that rejection is not the end of the world, there’s no guarantee that they won’t turn their anger or disappointment on others. But just because we can’t prevent every negative outcome doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least try to change the conversations and expectations young people have boundaries and rejection. The more we help young people build a culture where everyone’s boundaries are respected, and no one feels they are owed access to another person, the better chance we have of creating a safer, more peaceful world for generations to come.

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