#redrook lore

[redrook]

I spent a lot of time handcuffed and in a cage in high school, for a charity bit the grocery store I worked at would do

the bit was that I was "put in jail for having too big a heart" and customers could donate to my bail to get me out (and the money would go to a children's hospital or something)

now. I was very clearly a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a large cage. and I would honestly tell people that I had been in there for hours. and people would say, that's terrible! that's awful! and I would show them my wrists red from the tight handcuffs, and say but I'm sooooooo close to making bail.

and then they would dump some cash in the basket, I'd thank them, and they'd walk away.

and every so often, one of the managers would come by and collect some of the cash, so I could keep being soooooo close to making bail.

I was very good with this bit. Parents with small kids would pay $5-10 if I told their children I had been placed in jail for not cleaning my room/doing my homework, etc. For people in their 20s, I'd threaten that I was very bad at playing the harmonica, but I WOULD play it and we'd all suffer unless they paid me. and for the most amount of money, older men in suits would almost always pay $20s if I avoided eye contact and stammered a lot.

eventually, the managers started to feel bad because I was in the cage so fucking long and often, that I'd need someone to brace me when I got out because I'd have no feeling in my legs. wobbling like a newborn giraffe.

but I would also rake in at LEAST $100 an hour in charity.

so they were like, hey champ. can we, uh, give you a pillow to sit on. in the cage. would you like a pillow so you're not just sitting on a cold metal slab. can we give you a pillow.

and I had to explain to them that if they gave me a pillow, people would think I was more comfortable, so they wouldn't feel as bad, so I'd bring in less money.

the compromise was that they'd bring me a nice coffee every couple hours, which I would have to try to block with my body from the customers.

all this money went to charity. that's what the money was for. it's what was on the sign. but how much they were willing to pay was very contingent on how comfortable I looked, never mind the fact that I was still a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a cage.

and out of the dozens of shifts I did this on, not ONCE did ANYONE say, hey kid I'm going to go talk to your manager because what the fuck is going on here. they would just drop money in the basket, and I'd thank them and sip from my secret drink.

I actually had people get MAD at me that I told them I was far away from bail, they donated like $15, and then 20 minutes I got let out because my shift ended.

again. the money was for charity. it was on the sign that was very clearly placed on the upper half of my cage.

so yeah. even when people think they mean well. people can be really, really fucking stupid.

[redrook]

old German lady gave me acupuncture today

she lifted up my shirt, saw my top surgery scars, and immediately went "WHOA! What caused THIS?"

my fellow comrades, it took every atom of my strength not to just say the funniest lie I could think of on the spot.

[redrook]

can't have shit in Baltimore

[redrook]

thinking about the time I was 5 and a teacher explained what Heaven was to me for the first time (all the best people are there, recess is forever, and I could eat as much chocolate as I wanted) and I'm like ma'am sign me the FUCK up (roughly speaking) and then she had me pray to Jesus to ask to become Xtian

And I was SO absolutely excited, because I thought I'd get immediately beamed up into Heaven, Star Trek style. Everyone else in my class may have been excited about recess coming up, but they were SUCKERS because I was about to get FOREVER recess, and INFINITE chocolate

And I'm like man what's wrong with people that everyone doesn't do this. And my teacher was like you are so smart and that's so true and I'm like yeah I AM so smart and that IS so true

cut to around an hour later, and I'm now angry, confused, and hurt, that Jesus was taking so long to beam me up to Heaven and I was expected to go to REGULAR, FINITE, TEMPORARY recess. A little delay, I could understand. The man was probably very busy. But once it got to a whole hour, that was just unreasonable.

So I go and ask the teacher what went wrong, and why Jesus was dragging his feet on this whole taking me to Heaven thing, and she was like oh. I'm sorry. You only go to Heaven when you're dead.

And I asked her something along the lines of, so the only people who know about Heaven are dead people. and we can't talk to dead people

And she uncomfortably said, Yes.

And I just scowled at her and walked away.

She never tried to talk to me about Jesus or Heaven ever again, but I hope the next time she wanted to convert a five year old, she thought about me scowling up at her in my thick rimmed glasses asking what exactly the holdup was for the Good Lord to just fucking kill me already lmao

[redrook]

so back when I lived in Georgia, for a while I had a reverse driving Ms Daisy deal with some of my friends

(Knock on wood) I've never been pulled over for speeding, but a couple of my friends had been harassed for DWB before

so the deal was just either you help pay for gas or snacks, and if someone needed to get somewhere in a hurry or the airport or some shit I would fucking GET them there. never got pulled over

reverse driving Ms Daisy.

when your white friends defend you

[redrook]

Do you have any stories that aren't absolutely insane?

when I was around 4 or 5 I unintentionally became a false (although accidentally accurate) prophet

[redrook]

I started only responding to my dog asking to play when she brings over toys, to bring her down from jumping all over me to politely coming up wagging her tail with a toy in her mouth

the problem is, she initially mainly brought over this fucked up long stretchy cow thing, and she's like. oh! this is your favorite toy. you're going to play with me now because I have discovered your very most favorite toy - this fucked up long stretchy cow thing.

so now she almost exclusively brings over Cow to me, and there's been a few times when I've been feeling down that she just dropped Cow, my favorite toy, next to me

so because she's so sweet and earnest about it, I now do genuinely perk up when she brings me Cow, which is now my new favorite toy.

can't currently take a picture of my favorite toy Cow, because it's with Shadow while she's sleeping in her crate. here's some other pictures as compensation.

[redrook]

thinking fondly of my Floridian education, specifically my 7th-8th grade science teacher, a late 20s blond woman who once told my class "Ladies your bazonkers are weapons. Just aim and fire."

And we were like thanks we're 12

[redrook]

since I got top surgery, I've finally been able to get diagnosed with and get treatment for depression, anxiety, ADHD and PTSD

my DDD tits did in fact distract

also, Depression, ADHD and PTSD all have a D. I think the more Ds your tits have, they cancel out your mental illnesses to other people. like two ends of the same magnet

send tweet

don't let my tits distract u from the fact that i'm not ok in the head

[redrook]

found out someone was distantly related to me through the same bank robbing brothers in the early 1900s. me and him both turned out trans, and we both were nearly attacked by emu as children on completely separate occasions. cannot remember for the life of me how he nearly got attacked, but I was 7 and was hanging over in a closed off bit of an emu enclosure, and it took severe umbrage to my presence. I was like, oh wow that emu is so excited to see me and we shall be the very best of friends. then an adult yanked me back before I could get pecked in the skull by a pissed off emu. me and my distant relation both hate emus to this day, and when we made a fake cult together in high school we called the Satan figure the Emolciferous Emu.

the moral of the story is that sometimes you can have an extremely specific family curse. so watch out for that

[redrook]

Hey, i just read your "i was caged for donations and really fucking good at it" post and I wanted to pop by and thank you as a childhood cancer survivor. Every drop in the bucket towards the eradication of cancer counts. Thank you.

This is so absolutely lovely to hear.

I did this from around 2013-2014 with Kroger in Texas, and I'm pretty sure they mostly donated to the Texas Children's Hospital

Literally thousands of people have commented on how they thought the jail thing was horrible, or kinky, or stupid, or hilarious. I never actually thought about this helping anyone, and it was more of an "time to get inside this cage and hustle for the abstract concept of charity"

It really puts things in a different perspective for me, and it's really lovely. Sometimes you can do something stupid or funny or horrible or something seemingly small and good can still come out of it.

Don't know how much of an impact I actually made, but I really and truly appreciate you reaching out. Hope you're doing well✌️

[redrook]

I think something that's not clicking for a lot of people on the left with the whole "Tampon Tim" thing (beyond general misogyny and transphobia) is that in conservative areas, there can actually be a pretty huge stigma on tampons vs pads

At least some areas where I grew up in the South, there were even some parents that would outright refuse to let their daughters use tampons (especially in middle school/junior high)

I remember going to the pool and seeing some girls just uncomfortably sitting off to the side, because they were on their period and were only allowed pads. Then in general, there were times people would offer each other products during an emergency, with some girls apologizing and awkwardly refusing tampons even when that was the only thing available, or girls apologizing they couldn't offer any tampons because they weren't allowed to have them

Even though for the most part there is a logical acknowledgement that it's just a hygiene product, there's still the general phrase I'd hear of "Nothing should go up there until marriage"

Then even beyond that, periods in general were seen as something personal and embarrassing that you were supposed to hide however you could (and this is still true in most places). Even a married man with children could get mocked for buying his wife any period products

With all of this, Tim Walz crossed multiple lines by specifically and publicly making period products available - especially tampons, especially in middle schools, and especially in boys' bathrooms. Boys (and people in general) shouldn't have to be aware of periods, and especially not something as morally questionable as a tampon.

So yeah. For some people "Tampon Tim" really is a deeply cutting and uncomfortable insult, to associate him with something (seen as) disgusting and borderline immoral that no one should ever be associated with.

[redrook]

when I was around 4 and visiting my grandparents farm for the first time, I kept trying to teach the cows to say "moo"

because I'm like, cows say moo. I know this. Everyone knows this. but for some reason grandpa's cows don't know this. maybe he's been to busy to teach them (grandpa is very busy). maybe they're saying a language from a different animal, because there are a lot of animals here, but I can teach them the right language and then they'll be saying the correct cow language, which is, Moo.

anyway cut to my grandfather watching me steadily lose my shit in a beautiful springtime pasture of cattle before I just bellowed at the top of my lungs "STUPID COW! MOOOOO!" and then I punched a cow (I was 4).

[redrook]

extremely jarring to me that I present exactly the same as I have for a decade, but with the addition of HRT, a deeper voice and top surgery, I have somehow made the transition from being perceived as a butch woman to a femme twink wearing exactly all the same outfits.

One time someone told me she could tell I was a lesbian because I made very direct eye contact. Now waiters don't even hand me the check anymore

[redrook]

I just wanted to let you know that I discord messaged your childcage fundraiser to a club I know as a fundraiser idea. Figured you’d find it funny?

Fuck yeah. Trying to give as many tips as I can think of

1. Single people in their 20s and 30s are fun to joke with, but much less likely to donate

2. Get a bunch of mardi gras beads. When you see a parent with smaller kids, you can flash the beads to get the kids to come over, and then you roll with whatever reason the parents want for you being in jail.

3. Very specific to the region I was in, but if you see an Indian woman with a bunch of friends wearing henna, they will typically donate a ton of money if you directly ask, especially if kids are involved. Someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think it's like a good luck thing before getting married.

4. Whoever is in the charity jail, they need to be either very charismatic, or pathetic-looking. If you got a Chad in the jail, people aren't going to feel bad unless the prison is comically small - which I really don't recommend. People will almost always donate more to girls, but a really charismatic or miserable sopping pathetic man can also swing it.

5. People enjoy a bit of the prisoner occasionally getting harassed by a jailor, especially if they have the opportunity to decide a reward or punishment.

6. The less comfortable you look the more money you get. This applies even when the person potentially donating fully recognizes it's a bit, and you're laughing and joking together. Fact of the matter is you're still a guy handcuffed inside a cage for a long time.

7. Depending on the size of the person and the prison, you want a break every 1-2 hours to keep your legs going.

8. People love props, especially a harmonica. If you're good at it, you can draw people over. If you're bad at it, you can threaten to play it poorly and make everyone suffer unless you get paid.

9. Older men in suits with nice watches will 10/10 times pay more if you seem anxious. I'm sorry. It's for charity.

10. You can set arbitrary benchmarks to reward/punish a prisoner, depending on if it's the prisoner or the jailer setting it. While people will generally donate less if you look too comfortable or happy, people will also easily donate more so you can get a little treat. Everyone loves a little treat, especially if they're the reason you got it. This also lets you "get away" with having small comforts.

11. If the prison has you sitting down near the ground, then sometimes it's fun to stay really still so people don't notice you, and then have a sudden sharp noise. Sudden attention usually means sudden interest. Harmonica blast, or rattling handcuffs against the bars works well. (I was also so pale that I had a few people jump and tell me they thought I was a mannequin.)

12. I'd mournfully tell people I hadn't seen my kids in over X years, and would invent milestones that I'd missed. People typically loved that for some reason. Works best with someone clearly not old enough to be telling a real backstory.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Good luck, and hope it goes well for y'all ✌️

[redrook]

once tried to blind myself so I could get a seeing-eye miniature pony.

my vision is extremely shit, and was dropping by about a point a year as a kid. doc said that at that rate, I'd go blind by around 15

I was maybe 6 or 7, and saw a picture of miniature ponies in the newspaper. Asked what that was about, and was told that a few blind people were using them to get around. And I was like ????? You're telling me they can take those miniature ponies everywhere they go with them????? And my teacher was like yeah, that's how it works

Decided to not subject myself to the whims of fate, and to take destiny into my own hands. Started staring intensively at the sun I don't remember how many times to go blind faster, and get my very own seeing eye miniature pony.

decades later, somehow I can still see and also learned that miniature ponies absolutely suck, and are capricious little demons. small-dog syndrome for horses.

moral of the story is that sometimes being self-destructive actually works out in your favor, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

change your fate. fix your eyesight. get on out there and keep staring at that sun