#rehabilitation.arc

[ua-monoma]

That’s really unfair... do you have any say on who your final therapist will be? I honestly feel like it would be beneficial if Best Jeanist was your primary therapist. He really cares about you and is the only other person that understands what you went through. At least, that’s my opinion.

Mm. I probably have some sort of say. I haven’t exactly been trying. At this point, it’s been rather hard to keep track of who’s actually handling my case, so I wouldn’t know who to speak to about it and I don’t mind it either way.

It would... be nice to continue with Best Jeanist, though. Obviously I can’t... talk about what we discuss together, but he’s a very empathic man and it’s wonderful to actually talk to someone around here with some damn sense, hah...  

[n-kacchan]

Kacchan?

Bakugou freezes when he sees Deku, and then squints, not understanding. He’s wearing the UA uniform… Who is he? Bakugou hesitates, before stepping closer to him. He pulls his muzzle down and sniffs him, then gets closer, tilting his head and glaring. There are fangs in his mouth, but he puts the muzzle back on and breathes, trying to calm himself down. He growls softly, then his muffled words come out.

“You’re not master,” he says quietly, then tilts his head to the other side as he lowers his hood. “Who… Are you?”

[ua-monoma]

Does Kendo, Shinsou or even Pony ever ask you how you’re feeling? Am I the only one who asks you questions that you don’t want to hear?

My therapists ask me plenty.

[ua-monoma]

Has anyone told you when your therapy will end? Or has anyone hinted at you only having one therapist going forward, instead of a panel?

Hah, you think my therapy will ever have an end? How bold of you...~ 

No, I’ve accepted at this point that it’s pretty much forever. 

It’s alright. I don’t mind. I’m getting used to it, mm...

I believe I’ll probably continue with the panel for quite a while. Already it’s been dwindling in size, I imagine that will continue until I’m simply left with the one. Or a few... One or the other. Whatever makes them happy.

[ua-monoma]

Do you genuinely get annoyed that random people automatically talk to you like you have low self-esteem? And do you feel a sense of a stigma for being evaluated by so many therapists?

Wouldn’t you get genuienly annoyed if you had strangers coming up to you acting like you’re the most pathetic thing on the planet? Yes, it’s irritating. Such is life.

Mm, a little. Honestly, what caused me to have so many in the first place is something I’ve felt far more stigma about than anything else, but yes, there is a certain... repugnance that follows me around when the wrong person finds out about how my recovery is being approached. 

[ua-monoma]

.03.07.

Session Two || Hakamata Tsunagu @ua-bestjeanist

[Listless and exhausted, Monoma makes his way into the room, hardly looking up as he slips into the closest chair. The dark circles under his eyes are fading but still noticeable, and he immediately bows his head so that his hair covers his face.]

MONOMA: ...

[Hakamata hardly catches a glimpse of the boy's face when he looks up from his notes. He knows the feeling well, the exhaustion.]

HAKAMATA: Hello, Monoma-san..

[Wasting no time, he takes a bento from his bag and sets it on the table in front of the poor boy.]

HAKAMATA: Here, eat if you're hungry

MONOMA: ... Thank you... 

[He nudges the bento closer to himself but doesn't make an attempt to open it up just yet, bleary as he blinks away his tiredness.]

HAKAMATA: I've brought my own, you won't have to feel uncomfortable being the only one eating.

[He sets drinks on the table as well, thinking it's best to wait until the young man has eaten before bringing up his tired appearance.]

MONOMA: ...

[Figuring that the hero was going to keep bringing it up until he's eaten, he starts to pick up the chopsticks tucked into the bento after opening it, picking at the food with them before bringing a few small bits into his mouth.]

MONOMA: ... 

[He chews slowly.] 

MONOMA: It's good... [he mumbles.]

[Hakamata opens his own, handling his chopsticks with a shaky hand.]

HAKAMATA: ..I'm glad you like it, you can let me know if you have any food preferences for next time.

MONOMA: ... 

[He watches him struggling, already feeling sick again at the sight of it. He's still so weak... It's upsetting.

He tries to force himself to continue chewing, at the very least.] 

MONOMA: ... I will...

[Eventually, the hero just sighs and swaps hands. Bringing food to his mouth. He eats for a few minutes, letting the silence exist for maybe a bit longer than it should.]

HAKAMATA: Have you been adjusting back into class well? Your friends must have missed you dearly.

MONOMA: ... I suppose they did... [he mumbles, now picking at his food more than actually eating again.] They say they did. I don't know... mm.

[He frowns a little.]

MONOMA:  Classes are alright. I'm still catching up, so I've had a lot of extra lessons... and I haven't used my quirk much. Besides that, though, it's fine...

HAKAMATA: From what I can tell...your class is like a tightly knit family.

[After another bite, he continues.] 

HAKAMATA: Your quirk is "copy", right? Is there a reason you haven't been using it?

MONOMA: A little bit. Quite a few of us are a little more... estranged from our actual families. And Vlad-sensei is wonderful to us...

[He trails off, his bad mood soothed for the moment as he thinks of his beloved teacher, only to sour again at the next question.] 

MONOMA: Mm... It's complicated. It doesn't feel... right to, I suppose... 

[His voice drops in volume, almost inaudible as he admits it.]

HAKAMATA: I see...I won't pry further. I hope you can feel better about it soon.

[He picks up his drink.]

HAKAMATA: I can't speak for any of your friends, but your teacher seems to care for you greatly.

[Monoma nods slowly, his mood plummetting a little more at that. It's an awful contradiction in his mind, the relief that the hero wasn't prying but somehow feeling betrayed at the same time for it, like he or even the subject wasn't worth the effort. Distracted, he pries a piece of meat apart with his chopsticks.]

MONOMA: He... does. He's very kind to me despite all the trouble I've caused him... And he hasn't discarded me yet, though I'm sure he wants to...

HAKAMATA: I doubt he ever will, Monoma-san. People like Vlad King-san tend to stick in people's lives when they have that kind of relationship. A bit like a father, really.

[He finishes his own food, tucking the box back into his bag. He lifts some other things out first before placing everything back in, so they can be at the top, ready to be extracted later.]

[Monoma can't help but flush a little at the 'father' comment. Eyes flickering up quickly, he watches Hakamata packing his food away and hurries to do the same, setting his box away and placing it to the side for now.]

MONOMA: I, um. I suppose. I don't know. 

[He starts to fidget, picking at his nails as his cheeks continue to redden.]

MONOMA: I don't know... maybe...

[Hakamata notices the sudden shift of colour. Was he embarrassing him?]

HAKAMATA: I'm glad you have someone that important in your life...can you tell me about your friends?

MONOMA: ...

[He keeps fidgetting.] 

MONOMA: I don't know what to say... I suppose I'm friends with my classmates, mostly... And maybe a few in the other class, I don't know...

HAKAMATA: Is there anyone in particular you'd like to bring up that you're especially close with? I'd love to hear about the important people in your life. 

[He adjusts his legs, sitting more comfortably.] 

HAKAMATA: It helps me understand you on a special level.

[Monoma watches him move a little, feeling a little relieved at that.]

MONOMA:  ...

[Then he wilts a little as he thinks of the mess of his relationships at the moment.] 

MONOMA: I don't... know if I'd really want to bring anyone up, but I could, um... [He sighs a little.] 

MONOMA: A few of my classmates I grew up with... I supose I'm closest to my friend Kendou, but we haven't been talking. That's... sort of been the trend lately. There's Shinsou-kun, who I haven't been talking with, and Yaoyorozu, who I haven't been talking with... I do have Todoroki-kun, at least, and I talk to him, but... I don't... I don't know.

[He lists off a name Hakamata recognizes, but pushes the thought aside for later.]

HAKAMATA: I see...is there any particular reason you arent talking to them? Is it just the readjustment back into your life, or other reasons?

[Monoma shrugs vaguely.] 

MONOMA: It's the readjustment... or it's our schedules never quite lining up or it's... me, I suppose... I don't know. 

[He wilts a little, looking miserable.] 

MONOMA: I haven't exactly asked. Sometimes I'll have a few guesses, a few theories, but I don't ever really know...

HAKAMATA: Well..if they're your friends, then they must care for you. Remind yourself of that if it helps. Have any of your friends reached out to you in specific?

[He writes down the names, but nothing else.]

[Watching something getting written down, though, makes him antsy, especially since he doesn't know what it is from where he's sitting.]

MONOMA: ... I don't know. I don't exactly make it easy for them... Like, I know I'm most of the problem. I've had a conversation or two with... um, I didn't list them before, Kuroiro-kun and Tokage... And if it's obvious, if I make a grand show of my suffering and all, then someone is always bound to come rushing forth to help. But I've always thought that was more because... they're good people, that's what they do. It's hard to think that it's... for me... in any way.

HAKAMATA: I'm just saving the names of your friends so I don't forget them, don't worry.

[He decides to be upfront, seeing his reaction.]

HAKAMATA: ..Is it really a show if you're hurting, Monoma-san?

[Monoma’s eyebrows furrow a little and he purses his lips at that, falling quiet.] 

MONOMA: ...

MONOMA: Isn't it...

HAKAMATA: You've been through a lot, you're allowed to hurt.  It's okay. I like to believe that your friends reach out to you because they care...you said you grew up with the other ones?

MONOMA: ... Well, I'm not an optimist like you apparently are... [he murmurs bitterly before crossing his arms, frowning to himself.] But yes. Kendou Itsuka, I've known her since we were children.

HAKAMATA: ...I wouldn't call myself an optimist..

[Shifting again, he starts to think about his own experiences, but hurriedly pushes it aside.]

HAKAMATA: Tell me about her..?

[Monoma sighs a little, sulking now.] 

MONOMA: ... She's currently our class president at UA. And she's always been that sort of type, you know... responsible. Maybe a little too much, [he adds with a huff.]

MONOMA: We met when we were children and she was one of the first kids my age that would let me borrow their quirk. Usually, that was more of a luxury shared with me by the adults in my life... [he trails off for a moment, blinking slowly before sighing again.] She used to get into little tiffs as well. To protect me. She's the protective type.

HAKAMATA: So she's like a sister, then..from the sound of it, at least.

[He scribbles a star by her name in his book.]

HAKAMATA: You're fortunate to have someone like that. I noticed you brought up your quirk again....is there any way you would like me to help you with feeling comfortable using it again?

MONOMA: ... Something like a sister. I grew up an only child, so I wouldn't know...

[He's somewhat grateful for the change in conversation, though it turns to one that's that much more uncomfortable to talk about.]

MONOMA: I don't know. I'm not... not-comfortable with it. It's just... the process has been complicated, is all. 

[He thinks a moment.] 

MONOMA: ... I think there's a way that would help, maybe, if I may ask...

HAKAMATA: I did too, I understand..

[He nods, listening carefully. His interest is caught when he starts to suggest something.]

HAKAMATA: ..Go ahead

MONOMA: ... I want to do hero work again... [he mumbles before he raises his eyes, meeting his gaze.] I want to be out there, using my quirk for good. I was in an internship before I was taken, and I've been applying for more again, I just... I think everyone thinks I'm... That I can't. And I know I can.

HAKAMATA: ...You're asking to intern with me. Or someone I know. Is that it..?

[He thinks on it for a few moments. Letting the question hang in the air.]

HAKAMATA: ..Yes, I can probably arrange that

[Monoma just nods slowly, choosing not to answer the question since it's just... easier. Really, he'd take what he could get, and as much of it as he possibly could...]

MONOMA: .. Thank you, sir...

HAKAMATA: ...It'd have to be someone else. The public doesn't even know of my return yet. Unless you'd rather work with one of my sidekicks if you want my agency. Do you have anyone in particular you'd like to work with?

MONOMA: Not really. I just... 

[He frowns a little.] 

MONOMA: I wasn't allowed in this year's Sports Festival... and you know how important that all is in having heroes see you as capable enough to work alongside them. But... it was too soon after I'd returned and I wasn't believed to be stable enough. I think people still don't think I'm stable enough, really...

[He fidgets, but tries to keep his gaze even despite his nerves.] 

MONOMA: ... but... with your word, or your permission, or... recommendation, what have you, they'd have no choice but to believe I can still handle myself...

HAKAMATA: Alright, then. I can do that for you....but it will need to wait until my return is announced. Would that be alright? The word of a man many probably believe is dead wouldn't be any help to you.

MONOMA: ... 

[He nods slowly, sulking again.] 

MONOMA: Of course...

HAKAMATA: Which should be soon, don't worry. I can get you doing hero work one way or another.

MONOMA: ... Thank you... [he mumbles.] I just... really think it would help if I had something to dedicate myself to...

HAKAMATA: For now, I can ask a few fr....coworkers if they would be willing to let you join them temporarily. Would you like that?

MONOMA: ... I would... if you don't mind...

HAKAMATA: I can do that, then. I'll get started after our session and keep you updated.

[He worries a bit. They've not even started the heavier topics.]

HAKAMATA: Speaking of..[he sighs.] Your internship was placed immediately after that traumatic game, wasn't it? Aside from what else you've been through, do you think that horrible simulation has anything to do with the way you are feeling right now?

MONOMA: ... 

[He stills slowly, in a way he prays isn't noticible, his heart skipping in his chest at the mention of the simulation. Like all this isn't bad enough, now he has to remember that Hakamata was present for that horrible event, and he would have seen... so much of such an ugly side of him.]

MONOMA: ... 

[He feels sick. He wants to go home.]

MONOMA: Not really... [he lies, a quiet restraint in his voice.] If anything, that should be proof that I could... handle myself...  That I... [he trails off, trying to remember that internship. He'd been hospitalized soon after the simulation; had he even done much...?]

MONOMA: ... 

[More reason to feel like a failure, then...]

HAKAMATA: ....I wasn't present for the end of it due to personal reasons. That simulation was too risky from the start, I am sorry that I helped in such an awful project. It pushed you to your extremes by using your fear against you in an extremely unlikely situation.

MONOMA: I understood the point of it- [he starts with a rising panic, cutting him off some as he hears the hero start to apologize.] I understood why it was needed, I know what it was trying to teach us, I know it was necessary, it's fine. I'm fine. It helped me in the end, anyway. It's fine-

HAKAMATA: ...It's not fine...it's clearly impacted you...we can move on, if you would feel more comfortable talking about something else.

MONOMA: I don't care. 

[He curls in on himself, hugging himself tight.] 

MONOMA: You brought it up for a reason. If this was about comfort, I wouldn't be here in the first place... Just ask your questions.

HAKAMATA: I just want to know if it's somehow affected how you feel about your quirk, Monoma-san, that's all. If it hasn't, we can talk about something else. My job is just to help you..

MONOMA: It's just different, [he snaps.] Of course it's different. You use your quirk to hurt someone, it's going to feel different every time you use it. And I've never had that luxury everyone else had, [he continues, raving now.] I don't get to EVER understand things about my quirk. I don't get to know what power I'll have by the end of the day. And things change and I don't get to know what until it's too late. And I hate it.

[Tears pop into his eyes but he continues.] 

MONOMA: I've changed so much and I don't get a choice in the ways how and it's the same fucking thing with my quirk and I hate it. And you can't help me.

[Frowning, the hero reaches down to click something on his wheelchair before wheeling himself over to Monoma's side of the table. He doesnt say much of anything, but reaches to pull the boy into a hug.]

HAKAMATA: I want to at least try, Monoma-san

[Mouth snapping shut as he approaches, Monoma withdraws a little, but he doesn't resist more than that as he's pulled into a hug. He shivers a little, almost violently, and closes his eyes, trying to hide the way that he starts to sniffle.] 

MONOMA: ...

[A shaky hand comes up, petting his hair. He stays that way.]

HAKAMATA: You can cry, it's alright.

[He doesn't want to. He tries his damn best not to, but feeling that shaky hand against his hair, trying to comfort him despite all he's done, and intimately knowing every reason for every little tremor that goes through it- He can't. Monoma sniffles again, then slumps weakly in his arms as he starts to quietly sob against him.]

HAKAMATA: I've got you..

[He continues with it, occasionally rubbing the young hero's back with the other. He comforts Monoma much like he remembers his mother comforted him at a young age.]

HAKAMATA: ..You're a good kid, Monoma-kun.

[Monoma clutches to him, shaking his head once as his cries get a little louder, than soften into a quiet intensity. Under his hands, where he only clutches tighter, the fabric of Hakamata's clothes just barely start to unfurl and loosen under his fingers. He doesn't notice.]

HAKAMATA: Here.. 

[Also not noticing, and without letting go completely, he moves his hand for a moment to grab boxed tissues from the table. He sets them on the armrest of Neito's chair before continuing.]

MONOMA: Mm... 

[He goes to reach for one, hoping to clean his face off, feeling disgusting for such a mess he's making, and that's when he notices it, feeling the threads sticking to his hands as he pulls away from Hakamata's body. Upon feeling that, he lifts his head to look, and then immediately leaps back with a gasp of dismay, shaking his hand frantically to try and get the threads to stop clinging to him.]

MONOMA: S-sorry-- sorry, I'm- I'm not trying to, I'm sorry--

[Confused until he sees the threads, Hakamata looks down at the hole in his jacket.]

HAKAMATA: It's alright, you didn't mean it. It's a very tricky quirk..

[Gently, he helps hm get the threads off his hands, zipping them back into place once they're free.]

MONOMA: I didn't make that happen, I didn't do it on purpose... [he continues, rambling under his breath.] I'm-- I'm supposed to control it, I...

[When he watches Hakamata easily fix the damage, he finally falls silent, mouth pressing together like he's decided he's said something... forbidden, somehow. His hands lower into his lap and he bows his head a little, sullen.] 

MONOMA: Sorry... thank you...

HAKAMATA: It's alright, quirks can be activated with strong emotions. I'm assuming that's what happened.  You don't need to worry so much...

[Trying his best to reassure him, he seems to remember something.]

HAKAMATA: Ah, right. I brought dessert.

[Even with that, though, Monoma only continues to withdraw, flushing with embarrassment now, though he does perk up slightly at the mention of dessert.]

MONOMA: Um... did you?

HAKAMATA: I did, one of my favourites actually.

[He reaches into the bag again, pulling out two small containers. He passes one to Monoma.]

HAKAMATA: I do hope you like macarons..?

MONOMA: ... 

[He flushes again after feeling the automatic way he brightens slightly at the sight of one of his favorite desserts.] 

MONOMA: ...

MONOMA: I do, I really like them... [he mumbles sheepishly.]

HAKAMATA: Oh, good..! Looks like I made the right decision then.

[Inside the container, there's 4 little cookies, each a different flavour.]

MONOMA: ... 

[Monoma sniffles again. He wipes his face a little, scrubbing any lingering tears away with his hand. It's more than a little exhausting, going from so miserable to having this pleasant little surprise. The spark of happiness it gives him feels strange.]

MONOMA: ...Thank you...

HAKAMATA: You're welcome, Monona-san...

[He smiles at him, pleased to see him feeling a bit better. He hopes sessions after this will come easier.]

[Monoma returns the smile a little before managing another sniffle and wiping at his face again, now a little self conscious for his outburst.] 

MONOMA: .... 

[He fidgets a little, nervous again.] 

MONOMA: ...

[He looks concerned noticing his shift in attitude again.]

HAKAMATA: Are you alright..?

MONOMA: Just... y'know. 

[He shrugs sheepishly.] 

MONOMA: I don't... do that often, it's embarrassing...

HAKAMATA: I understand...it's nothing to worry about. Nobody knows but us, I'm legally unable to tell a single soul.

MONOMA: Well, that is comforting... [he says with a dry little laugh.]

HAKAMATA: If I do, you can sue me..! [He jokes with him a bit, feeling a bit better himself.]

[Smirking at that, Monoma manages another little laugh.] 

MONOMA: Oh, don't tempt me...

HAKAMATA: In all seriousness though, nobody will hear a word of it.

[Monoma nods, chewing his lower lip as he thinks about that.] 

MONOMA: ... Thank you.

HAKAMATA: You're welcome... ah, one more question actually. Is there any heroes you would like me to avoid asking to temporarily intern you?

[Monoma frowns. Immediately he thinks of Endeavor but... it's hard to deny just how incredible the man's influence and power is. So, instead, he just shakes his head.] 

MONOMA: I'm fine with whoever is kind enough to take me on...

[Hakamata nods.] 

HAKAMATA: I see, I've got some ideas, I'll do my best..

MONOMA: Thank you... It really means a lot to me.

HAKAMATA: It's no problem...I'll text you when I find someone.

MONOMA: Thank you...

HAKAMATA: Do you have any concerns, before our time is up?

[Monoma shrugs vaguely.]

MONOMA: ... Do you ever get sick and tired of the patients you see? I can't imagine this is a job that isn't... extremely taxing emotionally...

HAKAMATA: Your case is actually very unique. I don't typically see hero students...or teenagers at all, really. Its usually grown adults who have comitted crimes.

[He shrugs]

HAKAMATA: As someone who's worked here for years, I can't imagine how you ended up here.

[Monoma forces a humorless laugh.] 

MONOMA: Just my damned luck, I suppose...

MONOMA: ...

MONOMA: I don't have any other concerns, no...

HAKAMATA: Alright, then..! I do hope you enjoy your dessert, I am sorry that we could not talk longer.

[He ruffles Neito's hair slightly.]

HAKAMATA: I'll see you next week?

MONOMA: ...

MONOMA: Oh... 

[Not expecting the affectionate gesture, he ends up flushing again as he gathers his things, taking his bento and the little box of macarons.] 

MONOMA: Ah, yes, next week... Thank you for everything, sir...

HAKAMATA: Really, it's no problem-..  

[Another man enters, approaching Hakamata in his chair before realizing Monoma is still there. He looks embarassed and apologizes.]

MONOMA: ... 

[Monoma fights off a grimace. Instinctually, he just feels ashamed that someone else has appeared to bear witness to such a humiliating practice. Then, a bout of curiousity... Lingering for a moment, he fixes questioning eyes on Hakamata, hoping to get an explanation without having to come out and ask for it just yet.]

HAKAMATA: Ah, sorry. This is my caretaker, Gyakuten-san. He's used to coming in here at certain times.

[He gestures to the man, who looks like he feels awkward. He forces an uncomfortable smile.]

MONOMA: ... 

[Monoma politely smiles back, giving him a short bow as he comes to standing.] 

MONOMA: It's a pleasure, Gyakuten-san...

[Then, he looks over at Jeanist.] 

MONOMA: I won't keep you any longer, sir... Again, thank you for everything you've done for me today.

[He bows in return, then scoots behind the wheelchair.]

HAKAMATA: I'm glad to have helped. Have a good weekend, Monoma-san.

MONOMA: You too.

[With that, he takes his leave.]

[ua-monoma]

How many therapists are you seeing? I know at one point, you were being evaluated by several of them all at once. To be honest, that seems very extreme. I feel like that would have been more hurtful than helpful. Almost like you are being ganged up on.

One of my talents, isn’t it... Getting ganged up on.

[He grins a little wryly, smirking at the dark humor behind his little joke.]

In any case, yes, there were several. There still is several, but not nearly as much, anymore. Honestly, I’d lost count after a while... [he sighs dramatically.] It was extreme, but I suppose the extreme circumstances of my case called for it. By now, I think they’ve realized how useless their worries were, and we’ve been working on whittling them all down to a chosen few. We’ll see how long that takes.

[ua-monoma]

How are your sessions going? Are still seeing your therapists?

Well enough. I’ve dropped a few by now... since I’ve found one that I’m getting along with well enough to, ah, ‘handle the slack’ from the others... or whatever.

[ua-monoma]

Of course Monoma, I won’t tell anyone about the logs. But, you have to promise me that you’ll try to open up more to your therapists. They more they know, the more they can actually help you.

...

[ua-monoma]

Has any of your therapist seen the logs?

No. They haven’t.

[ua-monoma]

Oh, Monoma... your nightmare doesn’t sound silly at all. It’s no wonder you haven’t been able to sleep. How often is this nightmare occurring? I think you should keep a journal and write everything down the second you wake up. Obviously, you are going through anxiety and are experiencing trauma. It’s important to have as much information as you can to process this. I know you’ll get through this, you’re strong and you’re smart.

It’s been every night for, um... almost a week now. Since Sunday.

...

I’ll try writing it down...

[ua-monoma]

Soo... Therapy is really going well, huh?

It... isn’t the worst, I suppose. I might have judged the practice far too harshly initially, mm...

[ua-monoma]

.02.02.

1:12 AM

ua-monoma

...

You said it was alright to message you a little, right...

@ua-bestjeanist

Is this Monoma-san?

Yes, I did

ua-monoma

Oh. Yes, sorry... It is.

ua-bestjeanist

I assumed so

It's alright to text me as much as you need

ua-monoma

Are you sure...? I'd have to be a bother or anything. If you're busy...

ua-bestjeanist

I won't be busy for a good while, not to worry

ua-monoma

... Alright...

ua-bestjeanist

Is there something that you need help with?

ua-monoma

Oh, I don't know...

I don't know if it's a matter that could be helped really, aha...

ua-bestjeanist

I can try my best

ua-monoma

... I don't like talking about my experiences...

If I could go through this whole process without even saying a thing, I would. I still intend to, in some capacity.

But I do also understand that's impossible, and that, to cooperate, for the case, I have to allow for some... unpleasantries...

... Mmm... I just think... I would have thought there'd maybe be a limit of... or, I dunno. I don't really know what I'm trying to say.

A limit of how unpleasant it would get, I guess.

ua-bestjeanist

I don't think anyone does, really.

I haven't enjoyed talking about mine either, but I understand it must be done.

However..I won't push you for your details, I am only here to aid in your recovery

ua-monoma

... And I appreciate that...

Others haven't been giving me the same courtesy and... I don't know.

Ugh.

ua-bestjeanist

I think our world often forgets that students are still children. 

While being tough to become a hero is needed, it's okay to feel things, and people forget that.

Would it be easier for you to talk about if the setting weren't so professional and expectant?

ua-monoma

...

No, I don't mind that...

When it's professional, it doesn't feel personal, so it doesn't really bother me, I suppose...

ua-bestjeanist

If there's anything I can do, let me know?

You can ask me anything you like, as usual. Our conversations will also be confidential, even though that wasnt part of the contract.

ua-monoma

I don't know if what I want to ask is unreasonable...

ua-bestjeanist

Unreasonable in what way?

ua-monoma

...

I just don't feel safe here...

I don't like feeling like that...

ua-bestjeanist

As in the ua dorms?

ua-monoma

No.

I don't know.

ua-bestjeanist

Ah..I get it

I know the feeling, then

ua-monoma

... It's different...

Everyone's sympathetic for your cause, you don't have people assuming you're a monster and not trusting you to speak for yourself...

ua-bestjeanist

Ah..I haven't understood why people are doing that to you

ua-monoma

... Really... aha... you can't take any guesses...

Mm... it's fine. ...

[He deletes all his earlier messages]

ua-bestjeanist

I heard the notifucation but received no new message

You don't have to be aftaid to tell me anything, Monoma-san, if you have happened to have done something you regret, that's what I'm here for

You are a teen boy

Teen boys make mistakes

ua-monoma

I'm not afraid...

ua-bestjeanist

You did say you didn't feel safe, though

ua-monoma

I did...

ua-bestjeanist

Is that not based on fear?

ua-monoma

...

I suppose...

ua-bestjeanist

It's okay to be afraid, Monoma-san 

I promise you I will do my best to help you, that includes protecting you

ua-monoma

Mm. Okay.

ua-bestjeanist

You seem like you don't believe me

ua-monoma

I don't have much of a reason to...

I don't really know you. If something was... wrongfully done to me, I couldn't guess what you'd do about it. I don't know.

ua-bestjeanist

I can't do anything to fix what was done to you, I can't undo it, I can't do it for myself either

The only thing I can do is be there for you now

Would it help, if you knew me better?

ua-monoma

Maybe...

ua-bestjeanist

We can do that, then

ua-monoma

Oh... alright...

ua-bestjeanist

You can pick the activity, so long as it's after your classes 

You can also just..ask me whatever you're curious about, I suppose

ua-monoma

Oh, um...

Alright...

ua-bestjeanist

You can bring a friend or a family member, if that helps you feel more comfortable

ua-monoma

I'll think of something... thank you...

ua-bestjeanist

Alright...it's no problem, Monoma-san

I hope you are able to rest

ua-monoma

Thank you... You too. My apologies for keeping you up...

ua-bestjeanist

It's alright, Im usually up anyway

ua-monoma

Mm... Okay.

Um.

... Goodnight, then...

ua-bestjeanist

Goodnight Monoma-san, rest well

[ua-monoma]

You said you have therapists? What are they like?

They’re nice. I guess. I don’t really know what else to say about them.

[ua-monoma]

You’re dealing with so much, you don’t deserve this... I just read your journal entry. Have you thought about having a sit down with a therapist? They might be able to help guide you through your emotional distress. It seems like you are holding on to deep anguish that this “man” has caused you. Even after you destroyed him in your dream, he reappeared. Whoever this unforgivable person is, they are still causing you harm. It’s almost like you have a scar 😟

... A scar...

Perhaps. Is that how it works...? This ‘distress’ has scarred me now?...

Mm. 

Anyway, I do see a few therapists. It’s part of my state-sanctioned rehabilitation. I haven’t brought this up, though, it seemed a non-issue compared to everything else. 

[ua-monoma]

.04.22.

He’s starting to get the hang of it.

Though, it’s not hard. Once it all starts to blur together, once he’s started to get some distance, it’s all too simple a task to fall into rhythm, fall into line, reconstruct and reinvent himself into a new role, a new mask, a new performance for him to star in. Memorizing his new lines is easy, and he spends every session reciting them off.

“Now, how long have you felt suicidal for?” Therapist #4 dutifully asks him and he sighs, looks forlorn, makes the twisting in his gut form an obvious glimmer in his eyes. 

“As long as I can remember,” he answers, though it’s not quite true, which is why it’s so easy. The truth only peeks through the sheen of a lie, actual anguish bleeding into the tragedy of a character. The truth is that his life always felt like a weight on him, a force that his hollow body was too weak to withstand, and it’s less that he wants to die and more that he wants to live so desperately that need has a stranglehold on him, choking and smothering as he tries so hard to reach for some sort of reprieve.

But that isn’t an easy answer.

Therapist #6 asks him, “What was your relationship with your parents like?”

And it’s easy, far too easy to repeat the first lie he’s ever been told to tell. He spends the whole time prattling about his poor, destructive mother and her ruinous quirk, how they couldn’t even touch without some sort of disaster happening, sparking from her hands, (he remembers clinging, crying in her arms, begging never to be let go of and wailing when they had to part because the rest of the world was so loud, so chaotic, all these powerful quirks crushing and strangling through him), how her moods matched in tune, how much distance has been pushed between them since, and then the bitch has the nerve to ask if that is why he ran into their arms, into His, and,

Monoma pauses,

and he nods.

Easy. Meaningless.

And it’s not all quick and winding answers, oh no, he knows better than that. He’s still difficult, he still plays up every mood swing and symptom they point out. He spends one session berating a therapist, meeting every inquiry with backhanded comments and rolling eyes, another he spends shouting and inconsolable, flinging papers and office supplies around for the fuck of it and spending a good hour afterwards getting coddled through a lecture. A conversation with an officer (lovely to see how little he’s still trusted, to still be poked and prodded at after all this time) turns sour after too many vague smirks and snickers at his own expense, and he ends up with his face slammed to the table, arm twisted behind his back in a way that’s all too familiar, giving him something to cry over the next day, the next session, when he’s telling the story once again.

(And that’s easier than it looks, turns out. Faking tears. He’s gotten quite good at adopting them all, really, that terrified blanche and wide, watery eyes that got anyone to rush over, tissues in hand.)

“And I think,” he says, reciting again, saying something easy, something meaningless, “that’s why I value it so much,” he mumbles, watching Faceless Man #12 write, studying his hands as they move over a notepad. “Value the chance to talk about it as it actually happened, I mean. It’s not something I had growing up, and...”

#12′s eyes raise, meeting his, and Monoma smiles sheepishly, politely embarrassed, playing the part. 

“When did your penchant for dishonesty start?” he asks him slowly,

and Monoma pauses,

and smiles,

and tells him.