#remember when anna was supposed to stick around and parallel ruby

[shanastoryteller]

The boy with the demon blood is always watching him.

His gaze had been alternatingly reverent and despondent before Lucifer’s rise. After, it’s cold, appraising, and only when Dean isn’t looking. It reminds Castiel of the few times that Michael has set his eyes on him and it makes the place on the back of his back itch where his wings would be. Lucifer’s vessel should not remind him of Michael. It’s not right.

They’re sitting in a diner, a cup of coffee in front of him that he has no intention of drinking, Dean is in the bathroom, and Sam is staring at him again, lip pulled back just enough that Castiel can’t tell if it’s a grimace or a snarl. He is not well versed in humanity, but he wishes for this to stop. It’s distracting. “What is your problem?”

“You,” Sam says bluntly, which Castiel had not expected. “I don’t trust you.”

“Because your judgement in this area is without reproach,” he says, surprising himself. It’s just that Dean is predictable. Understandable. Sam is not. It’s frustrating.

That look on his face is almost a smile. “Exactly. I trusted you in the beginning. You’re an angel, a being of good, who brought my brother back to life. Why wouldn’t I?” He shakes his head, a faint look of disgust on his face that Castiel is used to seeing there.

He thought Sam’s self recrimination was wholly centered on his role in releasing Lucifer. He does not know what to do with the realization that some of it is directed towards him. “I am still all those things.”

“No,” Sam says. “You’re the good soldier who left my brother to rot. I tried to save him and couldn’t. I nearly destroyed myself doing it. You could have saved him and didn’t. You could have prevented all of this if you’d pulled him out before he broke the first seal. But you didn’t, and then you left him there for another ten years, letting Alistair sink his claws into him.” He leans forward. “My brother was only useful to you broken. I’m not going to forget that again.”

Anger rushes through him. Dean is often frustrating. Sam is infuriating. “I was following orders.”

He realizes too late that he’s only confirming Sam’s assertions. To his credit, he doesn’t appear at all satisfied with the admission. “That’s why you and Dean get along, you know. Two good little soldiers in a pod that rebelled too late and are suffering the consequences.”

Sam has not spoken of Dean like this, has not been anything but accommodating and sorrowful to his elder brother since killing Lilith. His description of their actions sounds too much like Lucifer for Castiel’s comfort. They’re nothing like him. It is Sam who is the devil’s foil. “What are you, then?”

“An idiot,” he says. “You and Ruby are the same, manipulating us both to start this stupid apocalypse. I know you let me out of the panic room, Castiel.”

He goes very still. There are several defenses available to him, but all only confirm Sam’s assertion that he’s a good little soldier that rebelled too late, that he was as Ruby. Perhaps this is where so much of Dean’s frustrations around his brother come from. He is not right, but it is difficult to find the words to prove him wrong.

“If you were going to try and deny it, that would have been the time to do it,” he says dryly. “If you hadn’t, the apocalypse would have been averted. I can’t kill Lilith if I’m dead and even if one of you had done it, it still wouldn’t matter. Lucifer can’t puppet a corpse. Over before it begins.”

Castiel means to choose his next words carefully. Instead, he says, “You have not told Dean.”

Sam shrugs, looking at the window, his eyes tightening in pain. “He needs something – someone – to hold onto right now. It can’t be me, so it’s you. But I’m watching you, Cas. Manipulate my brother again, and I’m not going to care how useful you are in averting the apocalypse or what it’ll do to Dean to lose faith again.”

“Why can it not be you?”

He looks over at him, startled. It’s nice to be able to be the one to put him off balance for once. “What?”

“Why can Dean not hold on to you?” he repeats. Despite every attempt from heaven and hell to prevent just that, it seems to him that Dean is holding onto his brother more tightly than ever.

Sam’s expression shuts down, but not before Castiel sees the tidal wave of grief there. “You didn’t know him before hell. You don’t know what you took from him by leaving him there.”

He’s back on uncertain territory. It’s the only kind he ever seems to be in with Sam. “Is he very different?”

Dean does not appear overly different from an outside perspective. His personality and priorities seem roughly the same as they were reported to be before hell. Traumatized, perhaps, but it’s not as if Dean is any stranger to that.

Sam laughs and Castiel flinches before he can think not to. “Our father’s words haunted him, you know. That he had to either save me or kill me. In some ways, selling his soul for me was a relief. Not only was it a complete rejection of that order, but it meant that if I did have to be killed one day, he wouldn’t be the one to do it. Not that he ever would, because people have tried to manipulate him into it before. Me included. So I guess you can take some sort of pride in it, being the one who succeeded.”

Castiel regrets starting this conversation. He thinks that Dean cannot possibly still be in the bathroom and wishes he would return. “You are not dead.”

“If you’d left me in the panic room,” Sam says. “I would be.”

That is likely true.

“It was perfect,” Sam says bitterly. “Me, strung out on withdrawal, alone and isolated and hallucinating and dying. Dean with all of his worst nightmares confirmed. Except he’s faced that before and it still didn’t end with me dead. He needed a push. He needed a way to save me or kill me that wouldn’t be his fault, his hands, that he could drink and hide from. And leaving me to detox alone in that room did that, gave him an out that he told himself he could live with.” He tilts his head, mocking and sharp, and Castiel would very much like to stop seeing Michael in Sam Winchester’s face. “But you never wanted me to actually detox. Not with Lilith still alive when I’d need years of training to be strong enough to kill her without it. You didn’t want me clean. You wanted me twisted so far around that I’d be easy to control.”

Zachariah had wanted that. Castiel hadn’t known. He was just following orders.

Dean might accept that explanation. Sam never will. He believes blindly following orders to be a weakness. It’s difficult to argue against it when he’s right. If Castiel had not followed orders he did not understand, they would not be here. But following orders is all he’s ever done.

“I should have known better,” Sam says. “That’s on me. Dean played his part too, but he’s got enough to deal with right now.”

“You intend to let him continue blaming you,” Castiel says. Dean’s mistrust and anger hurts him. It’s easy to see. Here he has the information to rid himself of it, at least partly, but he’s keeping it to himself.

His mouth twitches into something that’s almost a smile. “It’s me or him. He went to hell for forty years for me. I can spare him this.”

Castiel tries to imagine Dean’s reaction if he uncovers how close he came to Sam’s permanent death, how it was something he chose and could have prevented and did not because of actions and assurances that Castiel gave him.

Sam is an abomination. He is, also, human, and no amount of demon blood down his throat is going to change that.  

“Before hell, Dean might have forced me to detox, but not alone,” Sam says softly. “He never would have left me to die alone.”

He searches for something safe to say, something to extricate himself from this conversation. What he settles on is, “You and Dean’s relationship confuses me.”

Sam laughs again. Castiel doesn’t flinch this time. “He pushes me to leave and then blames me when I do,” he says, exhaustion leaking into his words. Sam often looks tired. Castiel has never wasted time wondering precisely why. Perhaps he should have. “It never occurs to him that if he just stopped pushing, I’d stop leaving.”

A self fulfilling prophecy. The apocalypse was supposed to be like that, except that in the end heaven and hell had needed quite a lot of work to get it started. Destiny isn’t as easy as Castiel had been told it would be. “Why are you telling me this?”

It’s that cold, assessing glance again. Comparatively, it’s almost comforting now. It’s better than the grief. It must be exhausting, mourning a man who’s right in front of him. “So you know to watch yourself, Cas. I’m looking properly now. And I see you for exactly who you are.”

It’s not an idle threat, not from Lucifer’s vessel, not from the man who killed Lilith, but there’s a shiver down his spine that’s not quite fear. He’s a low ranking angel, all things considered. Like a god on earth, but celestially insignificant. He is to take orders, to follow his father’s will and his brothers’ guidance and never stray from this well trodden path.

No one has ever seen him before.

[shirtlesssammy]

4x10: Heaven and Hell

Then:

TFW needed a little work before they got it right

Now:

We start off right where we left off in the last episode. The angels are here for Anna. She has to die.

Uriel attacks Ruby and Dean tries to stop it. Cas starts walking towards Sam, and despite Sam’s pleas, he boops him into unconsciousness. Suddenly there’s lights and Uriel and Cas are zapped to places unknown. (Cas’s wings in the flash...emotion hearts). They find Anna with a ridiculously severe wrist wound and a mysterious sigil on the mirror written in her blood. She sent them away. 

They hide Anna away at Bobby’s. Dean and Ruby bond over hex bags. It’s almost cute.

Um, Bobby’s not home because he’s in the Dominican (and I just Googled “Hedonism and Dominican” ... probably shouldn’t have). Anyway, Sam’s got exposition on Anna. This bought of psychosis isn’t her first. When she was a toddler, she was convinced her real father was “very mad -- like wanted-to-kill-her mad.” Anna interrupts their little chat. 

Sam asks her why the angels want her. She has no clue. She’s upset that her parents are dead and her life has been turned upside-down. They need to find out what her deal is. 

Enter PAM! 

(I know I’m technically not supposed to like that bit of sexual harassment but her exchange with Sam is SO funny and cute. He’s so earnest and they play the victim card with her, but she ain’t having it and she’s going to have some fun at Sam’s expense.  And Dean’s smile at the end, JOY.) 

Pam introduces herself to Anna and sets to hypnotizing her. She asks about Anna’s father and Anna freaks out. Dean tries intervening and gets knocked out. Pam wakes her and Anna remembers who she is. “I’m an angel.” 

Pam and Ruby are side-eyeing this “friendly” angel. Turns out Anna was Cas and Uriel’s boss in angel-land. She disobeyed, which is the worst thing an angel can do (WEEPS for future Cas.) She ripped out her grace and fell to Earth. Now Heaven and Hell want her. She’s determined to get her grace back. 

“So you’e just going to take some devine bong hit, and shazam, you’re Roma Downey?” Ah, Dean, you do have a way with words (Also, dude loves pop culture SO much that Touched By an Angel is on his radar. BLESS THIS BOY.) 

Sam remembers reading about a meteor about 9 months before Anna was born and Ruby responds, “You’re pretty buff for a nerd.” Get a room, you two.) 

For Real Life Jesus They’re Cute Science:

Ruby apologizes for getting Sam involved with this war. She’s afraid of Alistair too. He’s no joke in Hell. She tells Sam he should send Alistair back to Hell, but he’s got to practice to do it. Sam refuses. 

Anna’s star gazing when Dean returns from taking Pamela home. Dean asks Anna why the angels saved him. Dean then asks why she would want to be human. He lists all the bad things about the human condition, and she lists all the good. 

Ultimately, it’s the emotions of being human that matter so much to her. Obedience and emotionless faith is overrated. Only 4 angels have ever laid eyes on God (Well...five now!) Anna complains about watching over Earth, waiting for order from a father who might never return, and Dean laughs and laughs. I really love how Anna’s story shifted to Cas. Dean and Anna give each other looks, but Sam, in all his glory, interrupts. He’s found something!

They head off for a tree in Kentucky that is probably the place where Anna’s grace fell. 

They get to the tree and Anna can sense that it’s not there anymore. Someone took it. 

Later, Anna’s listening to Angel Radio and hears the angels say that if the Winchesters don’t turn over Anna, they’ll throw Dean back in Hell. Dean is speechless, but Sam wants to know what kind of weapon works on an angel. Dean’s in freak out mode --they need to find an answer. 

Later, Dean’s reading a book by flashlight and Anna approaches him to thank him for all that they’ve done. He brushes her sentiment aside. She ponders the thought that she doesn’t deserve to be saved (AND I need to stop and talk about how this parallels Cas in Purgatory...he thanks Dean for everything, he believed he didn’t deserve to be saved. BLAF. And Dean and Anna are more canon than Dean and Cas? I think not.)

Dean lets slip that there’s something he deeply regrets as well, and Anna takes the opportunity to reveal that she knows what he did last summer - er, in Hell. He crumbles when she tells him to forgive himself. (Narrator voice: and then he spent ten more years failing to do exactly that.) 

“You are not alone,” she tells him and I remember why I like her (before a later plot twist scrubs her away). Anna MAKES A MOVE and kisses him. It IS their last night on Earth, after all. (I quietly eat the script pages for “Free to be you and me” while simultaneously high-fiving Anna for her excellent taste.) 

Cut to a montage of Impala sex which cuts out all the bits of sex in a car where you’re crammed in a corner awkwardly trying to get off your clothes without kicking the other person. Anna touches Castiel’s handprint, laying her own over the lines of his fingerprints. And I know that it was likely just a way to set up the Dean-is-connected-to-Heaven parallels in this brief shining moment when both boys actually had non-dead love interests at the same time. But MAN it sure cuts me open now. 

Ruby watches Sam sleep, then heads out to a crossroads. She burns her protective hex bag and Alistair appears. 

Ruby offers to give up Anna in return for her and the Winchesters’ safety. Alistair has another proposal…

Uriel greets Dean back in the barn. Dean looks confused for a moment before he realizes that Uriel has invaded his dream so they can have a little chat. Commander Cas isn’t around - “You see, he has this weakness. He likes you.” Uriel reveals that he has Anna’s grace. But nya nya nya he won’t give it back. 

We cut to Ruby, naked and strapped down as this show is wont to do with its demon women. Alistair tortures her with the demon knife. She refuses to tell him where Anna is...but she will show him.

Back in the barn during waking hours, Dean drinks his feelings until the doors burst open and Uriel and Castiel arrive.

Sam demands to know how the angels found them, and Castiel glances meaningfully at Dean. 

Anna realizes the deal that must have been brokered: herself in exchange for Sam’s safety. We experience many sad close-ups of Dean’s self-hatred and it HURTSSSS. Anna kisses Dean and assures him that he’s forgiven.

Anna’s ready to face the angels at last. Cas apologizes, but she brushes it aside. “You don’t know the feeling.” First of all, Anna, rude.

For This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us Science:

Alistair shows up in the barn with his demon goons. The Winchesters, Anna, and Ruby skedaddle to the fringes of the barn, leaving the angels and demons to posture toxically at each other. 

Fisticuffs ensue! Alistair pins Cas, growling Latin at him until Dean whacks him in the head. Anna takes advantage of the fight to have her Ariel moment.

She orders everyone to close their eyes as her own fire consumes her. It blasts Alistair away, and Castiel gently pulls Uriel away as well. Everyone congratulates themselves for their excellent plan to pit the demons and angels against each other. 

Later, Sam and Dean recap their feelings at the Impala. 

For Rural Roads Science:

Dean brings up something Alistair said during the fight - that he “had promise.” I finally remember during this rewatch that Dean’s been denying what happened in Hell all along. Dean starts to talk. “It wasn’t four months,” he begins. “It was more like forty years. They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you-- Until there was nothing left. And then suddenly I would be whole again. Like magic. Alistair at the end of every day - every one - he would come over . He would make me an offer to take me off the rack if I put souls on. If I started to torture. And every day I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him. But then I couldn’t do it anymore, Sammy.”

“I got off that rack - god help me I got right off it - and I started ripping ‘em apart.” The weight of the torture he inflicted presses down on him. Sam tries to reassure him, but Dean continues to rip out our hearts and leave them cold and gathering refuse in the gutter. “How I feel? This inside me. I wish I couldn’t feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”

Dean Quotechester Deserved Better:

Any chance I can dick over an angel, I'm taking it

What do they want me for? Why did they save me? 

Feelings are overrated, if you ask me

When you got Godzilla and Mothra on your ass, best to get out of their way and let them fight

I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing

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