#restless wind inside a letter box💌

[balkanlila]

Jo! Jo! I have to tell you! I was listening to the radio, and there was a story about a climate scientist who partnered with the music department of a university, for the students to turn her numerical data on coastal algae blooms into music! I wanted to share this with you IMMEDIATELY.

*with tears in my eyes* art=science

[sinlessdear]

thoughts meander like restless wind inside a letter box

A war he never asked for. A girl he’s never met. Melchior Gabor, brilliant, disillusioned and half-feral at the edge of the world, begins to receive letters—sweet, awkward, absurdly hopeful—from a stranger named Wendla. Across mud and blood and ink, two people reach for one another—fumbling, stubborn, and alive.

hi everyone!

in honor of the spring awakening revival, i’m finally sharing a fanfic that’s lived in the back of my head for the past three(ish) years. i actually tried writing it back in 2023, but it didn’t gain much traction—which, in hindsight, i’m really grateful for. it wasn’t ready then. this version is the story i meant to tell, and i’m so much happier with what it’s become.

it’s a WWI AU, set on the western front in 1916. all the characters (melchior, wendla, and the ensemble) are aged 18. it’s largely epistolary, deeply character-driven, and very much a love letter (pun not intended?) to both the original play and musical. i even reread the script for the first time in over a year to prepare—along with researching WWI trench conditions for german soldiers, which… *shudders*

the title—“thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box”—comes from “across the universe” by the beatles (the fiona apple cover means the world to me, too). i could write a whole separate post about how much i love this title and why it fits this story so closely… but i’ll spare you. for now.

i honestly don’t know how well-loved the melchior/wendla ship still is in fandom spaces, but it always struck a chord with me. if it’s not your thing, that’s completely okay! but if it is—or if you’re interested in war stories, epistolary narratives, or just aching tenderness set against brutal circumstances—i’d be honored if you gave it a read.

i’ll be publishing the first three chapters on ao3 on july 15th.

thank you for reading. feel free to ask if you any questions 💌

[theimperials1]

Shattered Windows

Shattered Windows.

🗡️. The restless stabbing kept going. Heartless, merciless; the shattered window, the blowing outside… It all spoke of the unforgivable crime.

🗝️. The crime made into being through the opening of that accursed box within her heart. Her shattered and corrupted heart.

🕰️. The memories of old. Of the times of happiness, purged, and a thirst for the oil spurred in their place. The old clock, around which they had shared so much, kept moving, ever relentless forward.

⬛. For the black of her oil. That oil that once had been her substance, crept over the knife and her hands into a profane pattern.

🩸. The deep crimson of her optics kept her stare over the lifeless carcass. Her hands withdrew from the handle quickly, shaking so slightly. And the seconds and minutes kept flying by.

💌. Her optics moved and, as they landed over the table on which thousands if not millions of words had been exchanged in the deepest trust. She caught on that old letter. The anger spiked behind that faux smile she had been carrying on her face.

🖤. And her corrupted heart couldn't bear it anymore. As the paper was once again on her hands, and as the flashback of her confession to Lizzy came to her head. She vanished with tears starting to flow down her face, reality itself twisting around her as she left the house, the clock, the knife and the corpse behind.

♠️. Alongside so many dead memories that kept shattering on an endless cycle. The icy winds blew inside, they being the only witness to what had been committed, they alongside the shattered remnants of the window.

+

If you enjoyed the reading and want to support me, you can find my Ko-Fi right Here. As of the date of publishing i'm struggling to get a new AC as my current one has broken down. Any and all contributions, no matter how small, do certainly help!

[balkanlila]

ok ok here's my ao3 because i feel like that's slightly less insane:

you are an angel 🥺 i do write!!!! i can link you my ao3 if you want and i have this little storybook called scrapbooks of flowers that's only about my original characters so there's that if you're interested. writing is??? an anomaly in my life? it's the only thing that i do without a clear reason. i'm so happy i get to talk to you, you are like a wizard to me. the way your organize your feelings while talking about them... remarkable!

what you're talking about, YOU are the real angel here and the one that expresses herself like nobody else. I really appreciate this connection that we're sharing and of course I would absolutely love to read everything that you write!! <3

[balkanlila]

NO ONE GETS ME (OR AMY) LIKE YOU GET IT JO! amy WOULD wear a skirt and high end lipstick to fight aliens she WOULD do it in heels

her whole deal is challenging the norm not even because she's particularly rebellious (this is why symbolically killing little amelia is possible... that's her attempt at rebellion... it's just that since her default is jumping out of every pattern ever rebellion can only mean protesting herself), it's not an effort, it's simply how she is. so every time she comments on 11's appearance she doesn't really mean that he's embarrassing or nerdy or whatever. she means... why are you allowed to be this way and why am i punished for expressing my originality through clothes... it's a mix of admiration and hope born from seeing somebody else succeed in what you've always wanted for yourself and distress coming from being deprived of something simply because you're a girl. (amy is 100% sensitive to how the story is treating her, gender-aware heroineeee) amy is allowed to wear quirky clothes for almost a season and 11 is eternally 11. this is why... the wedding of river song is so big to me with all this in mind because in that one it's HIM that's had his identity stolen. i keep thinking of amy's nightie in her first tardis journey and this twors!11 look:

and how she worries about wearing this of all things in the midst of her dreams coming true and how he is given his clothes back BY NONE OTHER THAN HER in twors... and amy is wearing a signature amy outfit in 5x03 immediately and how... 11 meets her in a costume too in the eleventh hour (while he himself is wearing another man's clothes)... it's like she's been given the right and the freedom to be amy and he gave this to her initially by showing her the universe and it's how... in this anti-universe that isn't a reality but a lack of reality she gets to return the favour and give him his identity back... this is incoherent i just have SO MANY FEELINGS ON AMY AND CLOTHES...

[balkanlila]

you seem nice but you come off as so performative

omg baby's first anon hate

[balkanlila]

drink water

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

[balkanlila]

YESSS THE ORANGE ONES ARE MY CHOICE 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I was only wrong about the first one, I thought you were going to pick Delicate, but only because I associate it with Amy & Laurie in my head. About 4., I mixed up the colours because I wouldn't be able to make that choice myself. (they are both such Dair songs GOD) This was so fun!!!! ❤💫❤💫❤💫❤

1. delicate or i wish you would

2. call it what you want or daylight

3. treacherous or dress

4. begin again or cornelia street

5. this love or i almost do

🧡💜🧡💜🧡💜🧡💜🧡💜🧡💜🧡💜🧡💜

hiii the colors!! i love.

1. i wish you would

2. ciwyw

3. ooooh both rn i’m leaning towards dress though

4. cornelia street- feral for the line: sacred new BEGINNINGS which became my religion LISTEN

5. this love

[balkanlila]

what is “always searching for that orange amongst the blues” from? is it a velvet underground song?

it's a dylanlila original as far as i know, but yeah every VU song is about that so i will happily give away my author credit to lou reed

[balkanlila]

i know you are definitely busy so feel free to say no but i was wondering if i could request an orange elena icon so my autumn theme can match you entirely? 👀 🧡 🍂

I always have time for you, respectfully: 🧡shut up🧡.

Voilà:

[balkanlila]

sometimes we forget how much of a light house is in cuddy’s life that her PERSON!!!

this is exactly what i needed in my inbox for personal reasons so thank you :") but yeah... they're both weird!!! is the thing!!!! and house is so loud about it because that's how he avoids being accused of anything and cuddy tries to undermine her weirdness because that's how she avoids being accused of anything, but both of those mechanisms are a way of not being one's true self to the fullest. because if you are determined not to do what you consider to be the things only other people can do and you believe in this because it was proven to you time and time again that you don't exactly fit in, you might miss out on the simplicity you're unexpectedly able to appreciate and engage in. and if you're constantly trying to meet everyone's expectations, where is the space for you to be you? and house IS a light in cuddy's life in this very unexpected, unusual way because he somehow still preserves while living in a way that's completely against the idea of what life should or is supposed to be. something cuddy struggles with throughout the entire show almost... even the things she wants that fit the perfect life narrative she tries to make herself want them more. i am instantly brought to tears thinking about her wish to have a kid which seemed more real to me than her attempts to find a romantic partner... because i really feel like she wanted to have someone who would at least hear her if not be like her -> that's why wilson is so significant to her. he's wilson! he hears what nobody else can hear... but she also wanted somebody to love without worrying about whether she was doing it right. so the fact that she admits not to feel what she thought she would feel towards rachel makes such compelling character drama... because the most crucial thing that cuddy does wrong is the fact that she thinks not to fit within the realm of supposed and should is to fail. and that brings me back to house because he does not care about the supposeds and the shoulds and he is a great doctor, maybe even because of this very thing more than anything else. and yes that does disrupt cuddy's whole worldview, but it's also hopeful i think. because if not sticking to the rulebook works for someone else, maybe she's not doing anything wrong when she's not married with kids by the time her mother deems appropriate. maybe she's not doing anything wrong it she gets overwhelmed by how much work she has to deal with. this is EXACTLY why house is the one to help out in that cuddy centric episode. because that's what he is to her. he jumps out of the ordinary and makes it work. so it's okay for cuddy to be cuddy. so there's no right way to feel something. and it's pretty fascinating because that same thing is what easily turns into one of house's greatest flaws (the fact that he won't let himself do or god forbid enjoy something ordinary or boring), but to cuddy it's inspirational. (the horror on her face when he admits that he values her over his work comes to mind) and there is something very human about all that which is mainly why theirs is my favourite relationship on the show. humans do that! we see something in someone and find light in it, but to that person to believe that something they've been called crazy for (by others or themselves) or have felt bad about to the point of it becoming an integral part of their very being and simultaneously an inevitable source of some kind of twisted, survival-rooted pride can be viewed in a different way is world-changing and on the edge of world-ending. that's the main conflict between these 2 characters i think. the fact that the very thing that they're inspired by in one another is what terrifies them when they get too close to each other. loving the other one is easy. it's loving themselves enough to be a person with them that's paralysing.

[balkanlila]

like WE DONT TALK ABOUT THIS ENOUGH

The greatest thing about those two is the fact that they're kind of on the same level, their brains share similar patterns, that's why she easily reads him here in a way that feels almost Wilson-like. And I think Arlene does understand Cuddy (it's just that Cuddy doesn't feel that way) and if there's one thing that's sure about House and Cuddy is that he sees her, so both Arlene and House love and understand the same person and suck at articulating it, but there is one thing that House does right and it's the most important one. Cuddy knows this about him, even when she doesn't want to she feels it. But all the convincing in the world wouldn't make her believe the same thing for her mother entirely.

I think it's because... House's understanding of Cuddy links directly to and almost even equals (meaning-wise) his love for her (because House's love manifests in puzzle-solving which is based on a desire to understand and even more so: keep trying to understand which can only be an eternal process if it's a person you're trying to figure out and love how hard that is for him to accept). For Arlene these 2 fundamental facts are contradictory statements. She would love Cuddy more if she didn't understand her.

[balkanlila]

i always find it funny when you are confused by kids liking you (i mean i get it since we dont really like kids but then we do)

jo out of all of the ppl who are closer distance wise (which is very important when you are a kid) they want to tell stories to YOU and want YOU to read books to them

weird non-judgemental listening to them like they are not speaking gibberish (as adults often think of kids)

perfect weird aunt = favourite aunt,

which I can confirm by my late aunt being the same way of unusual rawness of mind and prodding around the house saying thank you to all the you are a little weird comments with the biggest smile and saying its the biggest compliment one can get

also just ~ Mary Poppins ~

(also i know you know this but i like bombing you with affirmation outside of your own from time to time)

Dash, you are my friend for life, I am so lucky to have you. This made me realize I do not have to wait to become my favourite professor, I already AM my favourite professor.

[balkanlila]

I think a lot of it (being drawn to people who remind us of other people) has to do with our human tendency for pattern recognition. For better or worse, we like to notice patterns and group things accordingly, and this ABSOLUTELY plays out in how we choose which people to spend time with! There's a sense of comfort that comes with familiarity. "Ah, I already know how to interact with this type of human." I think THIS is mostly the explanation for the very real phenomenon of people choosing partners that resemble their parents in some way (there was no need to get as weird with it as Freud did, haha). You feel like you already know what to expect! They feel like "home" in that way, but whether that is good or bad largely depends on what the prior relationship WAS. Sometimes a familiar Badness can FEEL safer than the Unknown. But anyway, we also recognize those patterns with other relationships! "I made friends with this person because they remind me of ME," or "I was attracted to this person because they remind me of this other person whom I love, and I already know that I get along with this Type of person." There's a lot said about the allure of the "new" and the whole "opposites attract" thing, which of course CAN come into play as well, but I think there's also a lot to be said about getting to know a person and sensing: "Oh. I know YOU." (The same way we know which berries are the ones safe to eat. 😂 We observe and categorize. All the time!)

This is a topic I have been fighting about with my mother for YEARS now (I literally nicknamed her Freud) and we only recently came to a sort of compromise when it comes to it and yes. Okay. I am willing to accept that my mother acts like my father's mother, my grandmother, or that my father resembles my own mother's father in certain regards, but I came up with my own romanticized view on it that works in certain cases. Sure, there must be something animalistic about it and for some it's definitely this cyclic occurrence involving generations and generations of people, but in my particular case my mother and father both managed to outgrow the circumstances of their childhoods, both financially and psychologically. (our family is nothing like the families they grew up in and I wish everyone could grow up the way I did) But I choose to believe this urge to find others similar to us or our loved ones in thought specifically can be a form of breaking the cycle. I love the way your mind works because mine or a loved ones works similarly so by "assembling" these people based on this instinct we are capable of building our own families, not entirely independent from genetics or history, but even better precisely because it is based on these things we cannot chose, but still manage to outsmart in some way. Sure. I pick you because you are familiar in some way, but what if we were dealt the same cards others before us were dealt and we did something different with them this time. Even if it's a slight change, it's still a fresh addition to the genetics of our lives because it's only a form of mutation that is capable of changing things for the better.

[balkanlila]

why I didn’t know that you are not only full of love for Lila but also passionate about Bob Dylan. I never thought about Bob Dylan=Lila but now I could not listening to any of his songs of the 60s without thinking about her...

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK 🧡✨🧡✨🧡✨🧡✨🧡✨🧡✨🧡 sorry for the rest of this reply in advance 🌙

i'm ecstatic about this making sense to somebody else... for me it's mostly how both of these personalities are about somebody unsuitable and scrawny and generally unpleasant being elevated to this holy warrior status purely thanks to their mind and their ideas. there is this shape-shifting quality to both dylan and lila where they're simultaneously too young and too old... something about dylan's tone is very lila to me, specifically 60s dylan as you say, because perpetual state of transition is something so integral to lila. you have this equally idealistic and serious youth battling almost clumsy, but not unfounded nihilism. it's literally dylan's face on the times they are a-changin' cover. every description of lila's outbursts of creativity is incredibly reminiscent of dylan's manic writing in the sixties to me, where it isn't even that you want to do this necessarily (lila definitely doesn't, but she can't help it -> it's her basic nature), but your body is too restricting to keep your energy locked inside. boundaries dissolving or whatever. and lila making the deal with the solaras reminds me of dylan going electric. do i think they sold themselves? doesn't matter in this particular context. it's about the controversy of that action. but most of this is in my lila x dylan web weave anyways (linking the version with a little essay i left in the reblogs). my lila playlist is titled sad-eyed lady of the lowlands... i should probably make a dylan only limited edition of that. this doesn't even scratch the surface of what i have to say on the subject, but it's probably just me being delusional about linking two of the most significant figures of my life. aaaaand i am rambling for no reason whatsoever again.

[balkanlila]

you know i think it’s lovely that you pointed to the structure of my art because i always think about yours: how great is it that jo can pull all these disparate parts together and make something so beautiful, while i have to obsess over every detail to even get started

but arden... you turn the details into houses... you build cities out of them... to obsess over something is to love it and to love something is to give it shape... there is no getting started because you are always formulating the world this way, simply by being yourself, it opposes chronology. writing isn't just what ends up on paper. you see things the rest of us need a microscope for... and that's magical!!!!!!! you can turn a five seconds long occurrence into a lifetime of events... every sentence you write is a country. every word is treated with equal amount, but a different type of care so they all get their place in the spotlight without it feeling crowded... it's a photograph of a river or a wave. you are aware of the movement, but you can slow down to recognise everything that makes it so dynamic.