#rewatched the fancy and the fooled and i really see how i ended up with true and deep essek brainrot

[drawsmaddy]

[ID: A digital illustration of Essek Thelyss and Caleb Widogast from Critical Role. They are inside a boat, amongst crates and barrels, and Caleb is kissing Essek on the forehead. Essek is looking away from Caleb, his expression upset, frustrated and sad. Caleb is wearing a black coat with silver embroidery and Essek is wearing purple robes with silver embroidery. End description.]

Maybe you and I are both damned

[leesh]

because i have zero self control when it comes to christmas films and, well, cheesy christmas films are #life. 

basically, i have developed a collection of favourites over the years, including both classic christmas films that are fun for the whole family and terrible, dripping with all our favourite favourite cliches hallmark christmas films, and yet i am still always on the hunt for more. so, i thought i would try a little thing to share them with everyone else as well (and actually remember them for future reference)!

check out the tag here i will try and remember to use as i live blog some of these movies or head on down below the cut to see all of the christmas films i’ve watched in 2020. thoughts and star ratings included! as expected, i will also be updating this as i watch more and more this holiday season (follow along on twitter too if you want).

note: since i LOVE terrible hallmark films, some that i give a higher rating will not actually be......critically acclaimed. i am just #obsessed and have my reasons as stated, i’m sure.

holidate (2020) 

⭐️⭐️| first time watch | someone on letterboxd compared this movie to when you watch a rom com in sims and it’s just a bunch of random scenes that make no sense and they’re absolutely right. its only saviour is an australian dude and the line “so you know me well enough to cum in my mouth, but you don’t know me well enough to get me a christmas present?”

my christmas inn (2018) 

⭐️⭐️| first time watch | i’ll be honest, this film was pretty forgetful. i watched it over a month ago and don’t really remember what happened. however, i do remember being impressed that the leading lady wasn’t a stereotypical thin white woman. so i guess at least it has that going for it.

christmas made to order (2018) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️| first time watch | i actually thought this was pretty cute. it’s not the best, but also not the worst, so a decent medium if you need to fill up those figurative christmas stockings. the concept of hiring someone to decorate your entire house with no budget sounds pretty cool, but when the guy is aaron samuels and looks far from straight, it becomes a little questionable. 

last christmas (2019) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | now this is not a cheesy hallmark film. in fact, i LOVE this film a lot and think i saw it twice at the cinema. last christmas is a top tier christmas song and i remember theorising about it when the trailer first came out, but i will say tissues may be a requirement to watch this. AND henry golding is my husband thank u and goodbye.

operation christmas drop (2020) 

⭐️| first time watch | interesting concept in theory, but this is nothing more than US military propaganda and a cgi lizard. bonus: white saviourism. 

the knight before christmas (2019) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | a medieval knight transported into today’s world and has never seen a car before can drive better than me. that’s it. that’s the movie. also, he literally says the words “modern technology is lit af” at one point. solid christmas film if you ask me. 

the princess switch (2018) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | i strongly believe in the vhcncu (vanessa hudgens christmas netflix cinematic universe). i also have so many questions, like how did they afford the flights or solid conversation or was it all expenses paid? how did they finish a bulk of the cake without a mixer? why does everyone always speak english with a posh english accent even though it’s a non-english european country?

the princess switch: switched again (2020) 

⭐️⭐️| if we learnt anything from a christmas prince, it’s that sequels are generally never better than their predecessor. that being said, this was much less cute body swapping christmas fluff and a little more literal kidnapping and saving the day. either way, blonde vanessa was hot and i appreciated the amber/richard cameo that insinuates a christmas prince is actually a dramatic documentary.

midnight at the magnolia (2020) 

⭐️⭐️| now if you’re after an absolute cheesefest that ticks the boxes on best friends meets fake dating over the holidays, then this is the movie for you! albeit it takes place between christmas and new year’s, it’s still filled with their families knowing they were soulmates the whole time and two people who are a literal too comfortable on the radio. also, the dad’s totally should’ve been gay. they had more chemistry.

christmas wonderland (2018) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️| tbh, i genuinely enjoyed this one. post breakup/high school sweethearts is a personal favourite trope of mine, so throw christmas & being forced to spend time together when she goes back home into the mix and i’ll have a serotonin explosion. bonus points for the guy telling the girl to go back to nyc to follow her dreams without being a dick. OH and the scene when he points a fuck load of sugar in his hot beverage.

a wish for christmas (2016) 

⭐️⭐️| who doesn’t love a good office romance between a boss and an employee at christmastime? especially when you throw in a little christmas magic that makes her more confident that results in her finally getting what she deserves and having to travel and rekindle with his family? also, fuck them rich white dudes, but props to her for the significant job promotion.

christmas with a prince (2018) 

⭐️| this was TERRIBLE and not in the good way. it featured: an entitled prince who suddenly had growth even though he did nothing to achieve it, majority of the film set in one hospital room, and the fact that she’s the only one with a tiara at the party filled with people who actually have titles. also, thought there was a decent ending but turns out there was still another 30 mins to go. ugh.

a royal christmas engagement (2020) 

⭐️| don’t be fooled by the title. the engagement doesn’t happen til the last two minutes. it’s actually about a prince (bet you didn’t see that one coming) who travels to america, pretending to be his best friend who works for this major marketing firm because he’s tired of being the spare. this gets one star purely for the line “she’s not a commoner, patrick. she’s an american.”

christmas wedding planning (2017)

⭐️⭐️| it looked like it would be half decent, and while it’s definitely better than the last two, it was still pretty eh. i could get on board with her texting her dead mother’s number as a way to talk to her still, and i understand we all experience grief differently, but.....actively paying your mums phone bill 3 years later? girl. also, the end made me SCREAM. WHY DID THEY DO THAT!!!!

santa girl (2019)

⭐️| this was just painful to watch. evil jack frost makes memes in his free time, santa has a fancy car and doesn’t eat sweets, and there’s an odd comparison between the elves, minimum age workers, and racism. however, one star purely for the entertaining (read: bloody awful) tooth fairy cgi that gave me a right laugh.

the christmas chronicles (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️| this was really cute and had the makings of what could be a christmas movie staple along with the likes of elf and the santa clause (but will never reach that standard, obvs). tbh, it’s just a nice heartwarming family christmas movie about two siblings who band together to help santa and save christmas. also, santa was a #dilf.

the christmas chronicles: part two (2020)

⭐️⭐️| one of these days i would love to see a sequel that’s better, or at least on par, with its predecessor, but that day is not today. sadly, this film lacked all the heart and magic the first one was filled with and some scenes were pretty redundant. kurt russell and goldie hawn, however... one star for each of them.

forever christmas / mr. 365 (2019)

⭐️⭐️| the title varies depending where you’re from, but that’s probably the most exciting part of this movie. a guy celebrates christmas 365 days a year and a reality show wants to invade his house? ok, sure. one star for the eye candy and one star for, surprisingly enough, their chemistry and all the kissing scenes that don’t usually make the mark in the hallmark world. 

noelle (2019)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| did i renew disney plus just so i could watch this (and a couple of others)? maybe so... this movie is so fun! and family friendly! and is actually funny! it gives me major elf vibes, but if elf was set in a more modern day setting. either way, i had a great time and have been holding out on this one after loving it a lot last year!

the nutcracker and the four realms (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| anything nutcracker related is an instant win in my book because it’s my favourite ballet of all time (except for graeme murphy’s version, we don’t talk about that). does this movie actually deserve the four stars? maybe not. am i going to give them anyway purely for my love of the nutcracker and the soundtrack? absolutely!

[farmerlan]

Farmer Lan’s Rewatch Guide to The Untamed - Episode 11

Jiang Fengmian’s palms getting real sweaty rn

episode masterlist here

SPOILER WARNING!  

[Jin Guangyao takes his leave and Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng decide to return to the Lotus Pier. Jiang Cheng is worried about being punished for leaving without permission and grouses that he will never stop getting into trouble because of Wei Wuxian. When Jiang Fengmian appears, he seems unusually concerned about whether they encountered any trouble along the way as opposed to whether they stirred up any trouble.]

Differences from the novel:

This pretty much doesn’t happen since none of the events leading up to it happens in the novel.

It’s kind of interesting because I think the show makes Jiang Fengmian appear more disciplinarian than he is in the novel? In the drama, he definitely harshly rebuked Wei Wuxian at the Cloud Recesses and Jiang Cheng mentioned being punished by him. But in the novel Madam Yu was 100% the disciplinarian and Jiang Fengmian either was way too relaxed (with Wei Wuxian) or just didn’t care (with Jiang Cheng).

[Jiang Yanli arrives as well and they all sit down for lunch when Madam Yu shows up. I LOVE how her entrance is accompanied by villainous music. She has a bone to pick with...well, just about everybody. She goes off about the Wen ‘indoctrination’ and the unfairness of Jiang Cheng being forced to go as the heir while Wei Wuxian is given a choice. She doesn’t give face to ANYBODY, picking on Jiang Yanli, Jiang Cheng, and Wei Wuxian in turn.]

Differences from the novel:

This does happen in Chapter 51, pretty much almost word for word. There is, I think, some interesting nuance in her choice of words here that might have been missed if you relied on the Netflix subs (which kind of suck, sorry), so I summarized my thoughts in the overall section below.

[Lan Wangji is ambushed by Wen Chao on his way back, but manages to escape. Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren do the whole “no, YOU leave and I stay” routine and Lan Xichen finally accepts that he must escape with the Lan archives. We watch the Lan disciples get massacred.

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng disclose their involvement with the Yin metal to Jiang Fengmian, and Jiang Fengmian speculates that while the Wen sect won’t come for them YET, the Lan sect is likely in deeper shit than the rest of them due to their involvement with the Yin metal. 

The Lan disciples and Lan Qiren convene outside the cold cave, and are joined by Lan Wangji. They make it into the cold cave, but are betrayed by Su She. Lan Wangji tells Wen Xu to leave the Cloud Recesses in exchange for the Yin metal - and gets one of his legs broken.]

Differences from the novel:

We don’t really get to see what happens at the Lan sect during the burning of the Cloud Recesses - we only learn of it through what was recounted by Lan Wangji. He does get his leg broken though.

Lan Xichen claims he cannot leave because he is the sect leader, implying that their father is already dead. However, in the novel, the raid happens when their father, Qingheng-Jun, is still alive. In Chapter 55, while trapped in the tortoise cave, Lan Wangji mentions that when he left for the Wen indoctrination, his father was severely injured in the attack, and Lan Xichen escaped with as much of the sect’s archives as possible,  with his current whereabouts unknown. When Wei Wuxian awakens at Lotus Pier afterwards, he learns from Jiang Cheng that Qingheng-Jun had passed away while they were at the Wen sect. :(

Ambush doesn’t happen, and the Su She/cold cave scene doesn’t happen. In the flashback timeline, Su She really only shows up twice - once as part of the water ghosts excursion and once at the tortoise cave.

[Back at the Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian demonstrates his archery prowess. Jiang Cheng says, ‘Shooting under their sun won’t be as easy as today” - on the surface a reference to the weather, but keep in mind that the Wen sect’s symbol is the sun, and in Chinese what he said can also be translated as “THIS sun” (这太阳), right after one of the disciples mentions the Wen sect, so it’s literally foreshadowing the eventual Sunshot Campaign (射日). 

Wen Ruohan is displeased that Wen Qing lets Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian escape, and she promises that there will not be a next time. Meanwhile, Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian are headed to Qishan and Jiang Fengmian sends them off with his famous line, “明知不可为而为之，有所不为，方有可为”.

They arrive at Qishan and we see some familiar faces, but the Lan sect is conspicuously missing. Wen Chao makes his appearance and the Wen guards bring in Lan Wangji, and then demands they surrender their swords.]

Differences from the novel:

I have thoughts about the English translation of the Jiang sect’s motto (“attempting the impossible”), I’ll save them for down below. Also - Jiang Fengmian never says the latter half the line in the novel - only the motto (明知不可而为之).

In the novel, they are practicing archery/fooling around right before Madam Yu shows up to admonish them, and then they learn about the Wen sect indoctrination. So the sequence of events is flipped around.

Since Lan Wangji didn’t have to surrender the Yin metal to the Wen sect in the novel, he just shows up with the rest of the Lan sect disciples in the novel.

This is the first time that we run into Wen Chao in the novel, and he’s flanked by Wang Lingjiao and Wen Zhuliu.

Overall thoughts：

First of all, Netflix’s subtitling needs work. I mean, I know it’s definitely not easy to do any kind of translation, so I don’t want to rag on anyone’s efforts either, but I was laughing at parts of the show. I didn’t have subtitles on when I first watched The Untamed, but I turned it on for the re-watch since it might be helpful to see how my understanding aligns with that of a non-Chinese viewer. It’s not bad, but also missing some flavor.

I first laughed at Netflix’s subtitle usage of ‘myrmidon’ when subbing Madam Yu - it’s a serious SAT word where servant would have sufficed. Madam Yu’s speech is actually pretty much identical to what was in the novel, but I wanted to point out her specific usage of the word ‘household servant/家仆’, and the subtext here that might be missed for people relying on the subs. In the novel, she calls out Jiang Yanli for peeling lotus seeds for Wei Wuxian and says, ‘You’re not a servant!’. In the context of the situation, she is specifically pointing out the difference between her and Wei Wuxian’s status - don’t serve someone who is supposed to serve you, remember your place is higher than his. Keep in mind that Wei Wuxian’s father was a servant of the Jiang sect who eloped with CSSR (whom Jiang Fengmian had fancied). Wei Wuxian’s high status within the Jiang sect is unusual and has always been seen as a symbol of favoritism and therefore a sore spot for Madam Yu. It would have been way more common for him to have a servant/companion relationship with Jiang Cheng (similar to how Jin Guangyao’s relationship was with Nie Huaisang in the drama) since he is after all completely unrelated by blood to the Jiang sect. Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian even discuss this in greater detail in Chapter 56 - funnily enough, Wei Wuxian doesn’t mind this term at all, most likely because he was raised more like the child of a sect leader vs. the child of a servant.

(Mini non-related rant: I sometimes see fan discussions that casually glosses over the importance of blood and familial ties in Chinese culture, and it makes me want to tear my hair out, especially considering that the whole ‘blood is thicker than water’ thing is basically a trope in so much of Chinese xianxia/wuxia literature. There’s a lot of “how could you abandon someone who is basically your brother” talk when discussing the relationship dynamics between Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian while blithely ignoring the fact that they are NOT and WILL NEVER BE brothers. Periodt. In fact, they are clearly both deeply cognizant (Jiang Cheng perhaps more so) of their non-familial ties and it is an issue that comes up again and again in their conversations or narrative dialogues. I just hate it when people handwave away their complicated relationship and pin it all on Jiang Cheng as being ‘unsibling-y’. /end rant)

One other thing I’m kind of picky about is the translation for the Yunmeng Jiang sect’s motto - to ‘attempt the impossible’, or ‘“明知不可而为之’. Strictly speaking, I don’t think it’s a great translation of the meaning of the phrase, which is likely derived from the Analects of Confucius (Xian Wen, 38), because it leaves out a big chunk of the meaning. 明知不可而为之 is to do what you SHOULD do, even if it seems impossible and, in the course of doing so, you may find that it wasn’t so impossible after all, but the possibility of success or failure should not preclude you from doing what needs to be done. Lu Xun, one of China’s most esteemed writers, wrote a piece that I think fits in well here - if you see a bunch of people soundly asleep in a room that has no easy way in or out, and you knew they would asphyxiate to death soon, would you wake them? Or let them pass away peacefully in their sleep? (Note: he wasn’t specifically using the example to illustrate this principle, it’s just a story I borrowed that fits in well here)

The argument under the 明知不可而为之 principle would be to wake them. Even though they’ll likely spend their last moments in terror and struggling for air and trying to escape, it is what you should do, even if the outcome is unlikely to be favorable.

Interestingly, it has been used in a much more negative context in the novel. In the novel, the line is often referenced in the light of ‘you knew this would cause trouble and disaster for everyone and yet you went ahead anyway’ - if I were to insert ‘attempt the impossible’ into those situations, it would be really odd.

Lastly, I do love the show’s portrayal of the Lotus Pier! It’s exactly like how the novel depicted it and honestly it still breaks my heart how it was sacked + the changes in the succeeding years as Jiang Cheng rebuilt Yunmeng. I don’t remember if the show goes into too much detail, but in the novel, it’s mentioned in Chapter 86 and 92 that there’s a lot less activity around the Lotus Pier now due to Jiang Cheng’s fearsome temperament. :(

Also straight up I’m gonna say Jiang Fengmian has the best fits in the entire series, how can you not get with that black and purple combo ughhhh

[motorcitizens]

ive never seen anywhere to watch motorcity with subs? so i went looking and found transcripts of most of the early mc episodes (available in a reply so tumblr doesnt kill the post) but theyre missing a few towards the end. i decided on my fourth rewatch that id transcribe episode 9! whether youre a hard of hearing fan or just want the reference, here you go! let me know if the initials are annoying, ill edit them out.

-I got you with the slash!

-Nuh-uh!

-You first.

-Why me?

-Cuz you're dead anyway.

-There's nothing down here!

-Philip? S- stop fooling around, man. I- I can hear you down there.

-Aah!

[theme]

-The last time I bought anything from you, it took me a week to fumigate the kitchen!

-Okay, the reshcaps were a mistake, you're right about that. But today, I have something extra special...

D- ...then she says, 'that's why I can't eat the sandwich!'

[all laugh]

C- Wait, wait, I got one. Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank! Eh? Get it? Come on, it's funny!

Th- We're searching for the Vanquisher, king of the realm?

T- Oh. I think they're talking about me.

M- Yeah, I have no idea who you're-

Th- There he is!

Burners- Chuck?!

T- [laughter]

R- Hey! You dare insult Lord Vanquisher? I should take your tongue and feed it to the birds.

T- Uh, you can't do that. I need my tongue.

C- Release him, Darkslayer.

R- ... Fortune smiles upon you today.

M- So, Chuck, you wanna introduce us to your... friends?

C- Guys, allow me to present: Thurman the Magnificent, and Ruby the Darkslayer!

Th: We are knights of the kingdom of Raymanthia.

C- It's called LARPing! [...] Live action role-playing? [...] Okay, I have a life outside of the Burners, you know!

D- Sure doesn't look like it.

T- Oh! I get it! Ahahaha!

Th- My Lord, a situation has arisen. The oracle awaits.

O- As you requested, Sam and Phillip were dispatched on a scouting mission early this morning. But we have not heard from them for many hours.

M- What do you mean you haven't heard from them?

O- I fear, Lord Vanquisher, they have gotten lost on the outskirts of the realm.

T- Texas is confused. Okay, now is this part of your little game or is this real?

D- We're standing behind some dude's van who calls himself the oracle. What do you think?

O- I demand silence!

J- I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm with Texas on this one.

O- Chuck! Make em stop.

C- Wait. Is this part of the game?

Th- No. Sam and Philip are really missing.

M- So, this is for real?

O- We need your help.

C- I vow to find our wayward kinsmen.

C- Guys, this is LARPing!

T- Woah. That's it?

C- Each weekend, teams battle for control of the realm. The rules are simple: First, once you step onto the field of battle, you must remain in character. Second, if you must be vanquished: do so with honor. It's neat, ain't it?!

J- The game's already started?

R- If by 'game' you mean a ferocious battle to the death for the crown of Raymanthia, then yes.

O- But we can't win unless we find our friends.

[at the same time]

C- I say we split up.

M- Let's split up.

M- No disrespect! Chuck- uh, I mean, Lord Chuck. What do you think we should do?

C- Ahem! If we split up, we'll cover more ground!

O/Th/R- As you say, Lord Vanquisher.

C- Okay guys. We'll check the warehouse near the old Renaissance center, you guys check the battlefield.

Th- I dunno where that is. Can somebody else drive?

M- So, King Chuck. How'd you win your crown?

O- It happened many weekends ago... Chuck stood as freedom's last hope against Mad Dog the Conqueror. If he were to fall, darkness would reign for yet another long weekend. Mad Dog summoned his dragon to finish off the Vanquisher once and for all, but fate had different plans. It was totally awesome!

C- Naw, it wasn't... that awesome.

D- Little dudes!

J- Sam! Phillip?

D- Where are you?

Guy- Huzzah!

R- Leave this to me!

Guy- The bards shall sing of this day... the day the Darkslayer fell!

R- Someone shall fall on this day... but it shall not be me.

[fighting noises]

Guy- Aha! Tsk, tsk. You've lost your sword!

T- hyah!

R- What are you doing! I had him right where I wanted him!

Guy- You're not playing by the rules.

T- These are Texas rules! [karate noises] Now. We need you to answer some questions.

D- We're looking for two missing kids, Sam and Phillip. Have you seen them?

Guy- I'd rather die a thousand deaths than help the likes of you.

J- Ahem! Forgive us, my liege, but we are but humble squires in search of our kinsmen. Can you help us?

Guy- I've never been one to refuse a lady, certainly not one as ravishing as you. Saw your kinsmen five hours ago, approaching the Dungeon of Anguish.

D- Neat trick.

Th- We're never gonna find them in time. Then the stupid Bardonians are gonna win, think they're all cool with their fancy mustaches.

C- Hey. Buck up there, camper! People said we'd never win the Battle Royale last Fall, but we did. Our friends are out there, and we'll find em! We just gotta keep-

M- Uh, sorry. Dutch just called. Your friends were seen someplace called the Dungeon Anguish?

Th- It's actually the Dungeon of Anguish.

C- It's, uh. Well, it's actually just in the basement right here.

C- Wah, ah! Get it off me, get it off me!

Th- This isn't part of the game!

M- Yeah, well, neither is this!

R- That was. Incredible!

D- What were those things?

M- Don't know. But I'm betting they have something to do with our missing friends. We have to move. [LARPers kneel] Uh, come on. Get up, guys, we don't have time for this.

O- From this day forth, you shall be known as "Mike, the Smiling Dragon."

Th- You just got a great name. Jealous!

C- For saving my life on the field of battle, I owe you a debt of life.

M- That's... really not necessary.

O- Actually, it's totally necessary. The king of the realm cannot rule while carrying a debt of life.

C- As such, I give the crown to the Smiling Dragon!

M- No. No, Please, look, I can't, I just- I was-

C- Mikey, you gotta!

J- Hey guys, check this out! I've never seen that symbol before.

D- That's really old.

M- Way before my time. Maybe Jacob can help.

Th- What if those... things have Sam and Phillip?

R- Never fear. We have the Smiling Dragon. As long as he's our king, we can't lose. Did you see his moves? They were just so- so-!

M- You okay, buddy? Look, if it's about what happened back there, I'm sorry man. I was just trying to help.

C- It's not that. It's just-

M- Just what?

C- Look, I tripped, okay?

M- Um... If that's some kind of LARPer slang, I have no idea what it means.

C- The story you heard. About how I earned my crown? That's not how it really... went down. It was my first real battle. I'd never held a real lance before. I was still getting my balance when Lord Mad Dog summoned his dragon... I ran forward but... I tripped. The lance fell and hit him by accident! I won my crown with a lie. Hey... it's better that you're king now. I was never fit for the post. I've been king for 48 consecutive weekends, and-

M- 48? Woah, you do play this game a lot.

C- Yeah, but... it took less than an hour of LARPing with you for the others to see me for what I truly am... a follower.

M- Hey, a follower couldn't have led his team to 48 consecutive victories. You can't fake that!

C- Mikey... Look, I appreciate your support but we both know I'm no leader. Not when I'm a Burner and not even when I'm here, playing make believe.

M- Here. Take the pin back.

C- You can't just give it to me! The only way I can get it back is to earn it by saving your life. And let's be honest. That ain't gonna happen.

Th- Never seen that tunnel before. You aren't planning on taking us down there, are you?

R- Well I'm going in!

Th- Do you know how much trouble I'll get in if my mom finds out I went down some crazy dark tunnel looking for killer robots?!

O- He's not joking. His mom is terrifying.

M- They're right. This isn't a game anymore. Texas will stay up here and keep you safe while we go get your friends.

T- What! Wait, why me?

M- Because you're the bravest warrior we've got.

T- Yeah, that's true, but come on! Don't leave me with the nerds!

D- What is this place?

O- Booyah! Mutant wolverine. I win!

Th- I could show you how to use that.

T- Save it. Not interested.

O- Why not? You're really good.

T- You really think so?

Th- Here, watch.

T- Hyah! Huh?

T- Mike, Julie! Incoming! We got trouble!

Th- Come on, I just got this!

O- Your mom is gonna be so mad.

J- This isn't working!

M- I'm open to suggestions!

R- A wizard!

Ja- Applesauce!

J- Jacob?

R- Aww!

Bot- The creator has returned!

M- Uh, Jacob? Care to fill us in?

Ja- It started back when Kane and I were partners- before there even was a Deluxe! I was designing our first ever Utility Bot. Its purpose was to make life in Detroit easier and safer. I equipped it with a new AI that would allow the bot to anticipate human commands, but I was the only one the bot seemed to listen to. But if it were ever to escape the lab, there's no telling the danger it could pose. I begged Kane to shut the program down! I always thought he did.

Bot: It began soon after you left us. Kane retrained us! We were instructed to capture enemies of the public and bring them back to Kane's new creation, an Interrogator. But the humans could not control it. Kane sealed the lab. Our new master told us every human was out to destroy us. As such, every human became our enemy. Disloyalty was severely punished. So we waited, until this door finally opened.

M- Our friends went missing this morning. Have you seen them?

Bot- Of course. We took them per our master's instructions.

J- We need to get them back!

[roar]

Bot- Our master has awoken. If he discovers you here with us, he will destroy us.

M- Get the LARPers out of here!

C- I'm not leaving you guys!

R- Our place is here, with our King!

M- This isn't a game! Get your friends to safety.

C- Let's move!

D- Come on!

J- Look out!

[rubble collapses the door]

T- Mike!

D- Julie!

Both- Jacob!

D- We'll never move this stuff by ourselves!

T- Says who?

Th- What do we do?

C- I know a way to get through there! But I will require your van.

Ja- There used to be another exit!

J- Hey, look at this!

M- The kids have to be in one of those rooms. If we can find a way past that thing we can rescue them and get the heck out of here! Think you can buy us some time?

J- Do you even have to ask? Hey, ugly! Over here!

M- Sam! Phillip! Climb up here!

S- You're the new king of the realm?

M- You bet your butt I am. Lord Smiling Dragon, at your service. Now get up that rope, squire!

T- Okay, I admit. It's pretty cool.

C- But is it possible?

D- Sure. But there's no way the three of us can build it fast enough.

C- What if they helped?

D- I know you don't mean the little lunatics that just tried to kill us!

Bot- We cannot get involved. If our master were to find out-

C- He's not your master! You are in Raymanthia. And in Raymanthia, every man- or... freaky little Utiliton- is free! Free to stand up for yourselves. Free to fight back! And free to live! Our friends are down there, and I swear to you on the steel of my blade that even if I have to slay the beast itself, we! will! bring them back!

[utilitons cheering]

T- hwah! Nah, see, this ain't nerdy. This is a level 25 battle ax, okay? Twenty five. Think about it.

Ja- Maybe there wasn't another exit?

M- Stay here!

M- Way to go, Chuck!

S&P- The Vanquisher!

T- Make way for Texas!

C- The beast is absorbing the blasts!

[mike gets got]

C- Mike!

C- Drive! and when I say stop, stop fast! ...STOP!

M- Ha, oh yeah!

M- For saving my life on the field of battle, I owe you my life. My steel is yours to command, since a king cannot carry... I forget how the rest of it goes, here! All hail King Chuck, the Vanquisher!

R- This was the coolest game ever!

M- ... the game. Your win streak. You guys have to go defend your crown!

Th- We'll never be able to muster an attack in time.

T- What if we help.

M- We're yours to command, Lord Vanquisher.

C- For the glory of the realm!

[all yell]

[mymostimaginaryfriend]

QOTS 4x13 Reaction Post

It’s the finale AKA  my very own reenactment of that taste-testing kombucha reaction meme!  

Yup, that’s the one lol. 

I feel like this ep will require a few rewatches to process BUT the good news is: Marcel lives! Oksana lives!  King George lives! Chicho lives!  (er...the Judge lives?) and the unexpected guest we’ve all been waiting for...LIVES.  James ends the season alive and in Teresa’s company and fully available for S5.  It’s a miracle.

About that--well damn guess we know now why the crew was piiiiiissed the network released those promo pics.  They kept James out of the previouslies and Peter out of the opening credits because he was supposed to be a literal last second surprise.  They even shoved an Eddie red herring in there last minute to throw us off (bless Bailey b/c THAT is a thankless role omg.  I can count on one hand the number of people who needed an Eddie update and they’re all related to the actor).

But gotta love the writers knowing they finally had PG for the finale and then packing the ep with as many James parallels/references as possible.  Oh did Javier lie to protect the woman he loved? Fancy that. Interesting choice of goodbye between Javier and Pote, can’t put a finger on where we’ve heard “Take care of her”/”Always” exchange before.  And O RLY to “If you had trusted me I could have protected you” and on and on.  Who knows if the specific parallels mean anything or the writers were kids in the James-is-finally-available-to-reference-in-the-script-again candy store but I’m looking forward to finding out in S5.

What’s weird is going out of a finale we don’t really have a clear view of S5.  With the Judge surviving the season, I’d think Teresa would stick around in NOLA for unfinished business.  But with Oksana’s scaryass cousin beckoning Teresa further down the Queenpin path, NYC sounds like an option as well.  Can’t wait to see who they cast as Kostya.

And as thrilled as I am that James showed up to tell Teresa the title of the episode (very considerate of him lol), who is this “they he speaks of? It’s a cliffhanger but a wide-open one.  We have no idea really what is next.

One hopefully good omen for Season 5 is Teresa had FIVE scenes with three different women characters this episode and I hope in my heart that  those dark Bechdel Test failing times of midseason are gone forever more.

As for the rest of the episode--

Damn, I knew Javier’s death was pretty much inevitable but what a way to go. And in true Javier fashion, he managed to double down on the deception consequences til the bitter end, backing Teresa well and truly into a corner before confessing.

And wow, the confession scene was amazing for Alice and Alfonso.  I loved both of their acting choices.

Good thing James is back though because apparently he is the only person on this entire show who can successfully shoot someone?

All that Randall/Javier chase scene needed was some Benny Hill music. What in the world lol. 

Okay I might be using humor to heal the sadness of seeing Alfonso go because Javier levitating amidst the flames to take down Randall made me scream and not in the way they intended.  To be fair, I guess Javier’s athletic ability of jumping out of trunks was foreshadowed last week.

SEE YOU IN ANOTHER LIFE, BROTHER. There has to be a take Ryan used the Desmond accent on that line, right?!  Give us the deleted scenes, QOTS! Oops he said other side. I still want deleted scenes tho.

Hellloooo S2 Queenpin outfit.  So it’s gonna be like THAT, huh.  And did anyone else think Eddie was wearing a wire at first in that scene??

But at the same time, the Queenpin transformation wasn’t as literal as I feared going into S4.  She’s still OUR Teresa too.

Curious to where her journey goes next

And curious to see how they fill in the James blanks.  What’s he been doing the last 9 months?  Is he a free man now or on the run?  And the really important questions such as: does he have like 10 extras of that exact same leather jacket stashed in safe houses across the country?

SO glad it got early renewal so we can find out.

And just like that we’re in hiatus again.  While this Season may not have been what I wanted it to be, or what I believed it could have been, at the end of it I’m still so thrilled I get to spend at least one more season with these crazy fools and you wonderful people.  THANK YOU to everyone who messaged me, commented, reblogged, tagged and to everyone who posted content--you made this season more fun than it had any right to be lol and I’m so grateful for you!  

Here’s to a fic-filled hiatus and an amazing Season 5! 

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: FOSSE/VERDON

Are you ready for another prestige limited series from FX? Do you like the legitimate THE-A-TRE? Can you do jazz hands upon request? Well then Fosse/Verdon might be for you. MAYBE.

But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss. As this an eight episode series, I will be updating this post weekly and adjusting whether or not the wigs do or do not wurq. Spoilers, obvs.

So this show is about legendary director/choreographer Bob Fosse and his wife/Broadway legend, Gwen Verdon. If you have never heard of either, I suggest that you stop reading because this show is definitely not for you. Sorry? Produced by Lin-Manuel Miranda and directed by Hamilton’s Thomas Kail, this show is made ONLY for theater megageeks and basically no one else. As a former drama club president who definitely got Joel Grey’s autograph after seeing the original Broadway revival cast of Chicago, I thought I fit that bill but after watching this thing, I don’t even know that I qualify. My husband, who spent most of the episode asking questions until finally just deeming the whole thing “boring” was absolutely not the key demographic and yes he went into this knowing who these two people are and has seen several musicals. Similar limited series focusing on very specific pop culture such as Feud: Bette and Joan did a much better job catering to the uninitiated. 

EPISODE ONE: LIFE IS A CABARET

We begin at the end, then go straight to the middle, which is: a choice. We first see Sam Rockwell in old man makeup (sorry - I could find no images of this to share) and then backtrack. Much of this episode is focused on Fosse’s transition from choreographer to film director. This is when Fosse had already lost much of his hair and had a bad combover and Rockwell is given this wig that is giving me Ed Harris circa 1998 feels and like all bad man wigs, looks terrible from the back.

We are then plunged straight into production for the film version of Sweet Charity without any explanation of anything other than the fact that (duh) he’s directing the iconic Big Spender number. But wait - there’s a twist! Turns out Michelle Williams as Gwen Verdon did a lot of the directing! DUN DUN DUN. I am all for giving ladies their propers and approaching narratives as if they are Glenn Close’s The Wife character but this does not change the fact that this red Marilyn Monroe wig is not very good. 

This is all very Theatre-y with a capital T and an ending in RE NOT ER. Everything has a Theatre quality to it - but not in that Tony winning Hamilton way, more in that Emmy winning Grease: Live! way (Kail directed both) which is to say that there is no immediacy or intimacy to anything - all the characters feel like they are far away, performing on a stage - and it leaves the viewer feeling empty and, well, bored. TV and stage are just not the same! Oh, and Fosse just found out that movies and stage are not the same because Sweet Charity was a big flop! Look at how sad they are in their gorgeous apartment and terrible, bent wigs with backs that jut out from their necks! THE HORROR!

So then Paul Reiser shows up. He is fine and I’m glad he’s getting work and he’s thankfully not wearing a wig! When a new character shows up in this show, you spend the first five minutes or so trying to figure out who they are supposed to be playing, like an IMDb charades game since no one explains who they are and simply give vague context clues. At first, I thought he was Neil Simon, then he mentioned making a movie with homosexuals and Nazis so I was like: DEFINITELY MEL BROOKS but it turns out it he is Cabaret producer Cy Feuer. You, know - CY FEUER? You don’t?? WELL WE’RE NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU WE ARE FOSSE/VERDON.

Aaaaanyway, Fosse gets the job of directing Cabaret and goes to Munich and meets Liza Minnelli who in this tv reality looks like this which is not how Liza Minnelli ever looked. AND THIS WIG. AT LEAST GIVE LIZA A GOOD WIG NOT ONE YOU FOUND AT RICKY’S. NEXT.

Then Paul Reiser gives Sam Rockwell a lot of guff about taking too long to direct things and not deciding about costumes and hiring ugly German prostitutes to be extras yet somehow allows him to wear these really ugly shoes. Throughout, Rockwell’s wig is a mess of a tumbleweave, not unlike this show. And then Michelle Williams shows up to save his ass like all capable ladies ever and even goes to buy a gorilla suit in NYC only to arrive back in Munich where Rockwell is boning some German translator who looks way too much like Ann Reinking. There’s also a lot of nonlinear theatrical vignettes into Fosse’s past that play like, well, All That Jazz. Which this is not. 

In the end, we go back to old man Fosse, and it is told to us that he has only EIGHT MORE MINUTES TO LIVE. Kudos to the production team for somehow trying to turn  Bob Fosse’s 1987 death into a thriller. Spoiler: it’s not.

EPISODE TWO: WHO’S GOT THE PAIN?

We (obvs?) begin in Majorca, where 70s-era Fosse and Verdon have gone to patch up their marriage. Also can you think of a more bougie place to go in the 70s to patch up your fancy marriage? There are a lot of scenes on the beach where Sam Rockwell’s 90s Ed Harris wig gets blown around and Michelle Williams cries into a cardigan. And because misery loves company, apparently their best friends, the Neil Simons, are along for the ride. Joan Simon is Gwenny’s best gal pal and her wig is something one might find in a pile of Halloween wigs to play Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.

We then travel back to 1955, or “267 since Gwen Verdon’s first Tony Award.” Yes, this show is still doing this insufferable titling which really is a lot of fun facts that add up to nothing. Regardless, we’re at the point where Verdon and Fosse meet as he “auditions” her for Damn Yankees which he is to choreograph. I have to say that this scene, with both actors dancing and wearing much better wigs than their characters wear in the 70s (still terrible though!) was pretty fun! They can dance! 

They also obvs fall very much in love, though weirdly the scene of them actually having sex for the first time is buried in a montage. You have very odd priorities, Fosse/Verdon! Complicating matters is Gwen’s perpetually bent wig, Fosse’s kind of ok in comparison wig, and oh and the fact that he’s married!

This show not only wants but DEMANDS that you wikipedia everything that is happening, mainly from its distinct lack of good storytelling. Anyway, Fosse’s 2nd wife was Joan McCracken and OMG CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A PRESTIGE TV SHOW ABOUT HER? Wiki tells me that her first husband ended up being Truman Capote’s lover and that Capote based the character of Holly Golightly on her and seriously why are we wasting our time on this Fosse/Verdon mess when we could be learning more about her?!?! Anyway, what the show does tell us is that she has a mysterious illness that makes her sometimes not be able to walk (Wiki explained that she had some heart attacks around this time). Also, she is no fool and fully realizes that Fosse is gonna leave her fabulous ass for Gwenny - just the way he left his first wife for her! Also please look at Sam’s terrible lace front here. Also Joan’s wig is very much Joan Allen in Pleasantville which is to say: the best wig on this show. 

Anyway, the rest of the episode is devoted to working out some musical kinks in Damn Yankees and watching Michelle Williams dance around in a bad wig. Oh, and then finally leave Fosse in Majorca when she realizes he’s about to leave HER fabulous ass for some German translator (I’m sensing a theme here). And the show ends trying to make Joan McCracken’s death into a thriller! Spoiler: Wikipedia tells me she died in 1961! Wikipedia is a much better show than this, also. 

EPISODE THREE: ME AND MY BABY

We begin in some random editing suite where Fosse has gone to begin editing Cabaret and because this show cannot and will not stop trying to be All that Jazz (which I rewatched this weekend and LORDT IS THIS SHOW TRYING TO BE THAT MOVIE - AND ALSO BOTH ARE GARBAGE!) there is an elaborate dance number with random editing assistant (?) ladies. The one good part of this is: Sam Rockwell dancing. Otherwise: garbage fire.

Speaking of garbage fires, the (4 hour!) rough edit of Cabaret that the editors put together for Fosse while he was in Majorca (which he was really pissed about because HOW DARE THEY DO THEIR JOBS) is a friggin mess. Speaking of messes, THE BACK OF THIS WIG. Is Fosse a monk? What is happening here? However, I do appreciate the casting of the dude who played SpongeBob on Broadway as Joel Grey. 

Back at Casa Verdon, where Fosse DOES NOT LIVE ANYMORE, Gwenny is making dinner and trying to get her own career back together when Fosse shows up unannounced with Chinese food and pleas for Gwenny to help him edit the mess that is Cabaret. RUDE! Gwenny and her bent wig have their own dinner dates with her agent, Peter Scolari at the Russian Tea Room to get to THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 

Thus, Gwenny leaves their daughter with Fosse and his epic combover at the editing suite to go to her dinner date and HE CAN’T EVEN HANDLE being with his tween daughter for a few hours (since he definitely has to make time to bone his editing assistant) and ropes Norbert Leo Butz in a very shaggy wig to come hang out with his kid in a hotel room. Gwenny is NOT HAVING IT. 

Even though Butz basically just ate a bunch of sloppy food and made the daughter watch a b horror movie, Gwenny points out that leaving a tweenage daughter with a random dude in a hotel room is INAPPROPRIATE EVEN IF THAT DUDE WROTE MARTY WHICH IS A PERFECT MOVIE. 

This makes her reflect on her own (somehow very Magdalene-Sisters-like) tweenage years (as played by a younger actress whose image could NOT be found on the internet, gurl) when she was raped and impregnated and then slut-shamed by her parents into marrying a much older alcoholic. YIKES. 

So back in the 70s,  despite the fact that she’s in some rando straight play called Children! Children! (yes really) which is being directed by a condescending asshole and taking care of her kid, she somehow finds time to go help her estranged idiot husband edit the movie that she basically co-directed. SERIOUSLY WOMEN HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING. Also all these wigs look like crap. Just when you think Fosse is maybe being redeemable, he decides to bring up the Gwenny’s illegitimate son AT THE VERY WORST MOMENT DUDE YOU ARE THE WORST.

Back with Young Gwenny, we see her giving her infant son to her parents to raise so she can go be a dancer. We then cut to her triumphant turn in Can-Can (some years later but Fosse/Verdon definitely doesn’t specify how many). Gwenny’s show might be a triumph, but her wig is still a mess. Oh, and she’s still haunted by the cries of the baby she gave up BECAUSE WOMEN CAN NEVER FULLY HAVE NICE THINGS.

EPISODE FOUR: GLORY

We begin at Cabaret. Isn’t life one, you guys? Fosse is all poised for this to be the flop that (apparently?) Sweet Charity was but nope: it’s a big huge critical and commercial hit! Do whatever you want, now, Fosse! Oh wait, you already do everything you want anyway? Cool! Fosse and his circa 1997 Ed Harris wig are now unstoppably arrogant! Get ready! So Fosse’s next project is the medieval/psychedelic nonsense musical, Pippin which will definitely give you contact highs. 

JUST LOOK AT HOW HIGH THIS MUSICAL IS. I think when people from the Mid Waste think of Broadway musicals, this is what most of them still think that looks like. Also this is how I fear I’ll die. 

Speaking of! Gwenny’s best galpal, Joan Simon (wife to Neil) is dying of cancer! It’s very sad because she’s really nice and despite her bad Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction wig I appreciate her dedication to half updos with bows that match her outfits. 

Gwenny does not even have time to be sad about this because she needs to take her bent wig over to Pippin rehearsals to pick up her daughter only to find that Fosse has given her FOUR TABS TO DRINK THAT IS LIKE 3 1/2 TOO MANY. She handles it by smiling through her hatred and truly this was a very Miranda Priestly moment and also I like Gwen’s top. ALSO LOOK AT THE BACK OF FOSSE’S WIG NO THANK YOU PLEASE.

Over at Pippin rehearsals, we also meet Ann Reinking (who will become Fosse’s lady love for the next decade or so) but for now she’s keeping things professional and also this is Andie MacDowell’s (wigless, thank god) daughter. Ok!

Fosse is definitely NOT keeping things professional and basically boning the rest of the Pippin ensemble cast, whether they like it or not! There is a very #MeToo moment where Fosse ends up getting a knee to the groin and GOOD.

Not so good? Gwenny’s play Children! Children! (that title - I still can’t). Despite asking Fosse to come over and FIX. IT. he is too busy becoming the poster dude for Time’s Up and Gwenny’s show ends up getting bad reviews and closing immediately. Also her wig is fully turning into a Jean Stapleton in All in the Family lewk. Whilst Gwenny’s professional life is going to crap, Fosse is winning ALL THE AWARDS as shown in a really confusing montage which suggested that the Tony Awards are before the Oscars. INCORRECT.

In the end, Fosse drunkenly tries to go bone Gwenny but she has wisely shacked up with that dude from Obvious Child which literally leads Fosse into a MENTAL INSTITUTION and the entire show to basically just turn into All that Jazz which I will remind everyone is a very derivative and terrible movie! OY.

EPISODE 5: WHERE AM I GOING?

The title of this episode should really be an question for the viewer: where are you going? Where are we all going? Are we still really watching this show? Sadly: yes. UGH I think we’re more than halfway through now? Let’s just finish this thing!

We begin at the mental hospital where Fosse ended the last episode. Gwenny and their kid are visiting him and Fosse is basically catatonic. This does not stop Gwenny from moving FULL STEAM AHEAD ON CHICAGO! Then cut to: Southampton? Huh? Sure! There, Fosse and his best bros, Neil Simon and Paddy Chayefsky are having a beach weekend which leads to the above upsetting 70s mens shorts (which thankfully Norbert Leo Butz did NOT sign on for). I love dudes who refuse to wear shorts in the summer, no matter how hot it is. My husband is one of these dudes. 

The one problem with this beach weekend? Everybody together in their best impression of Renee Zellweger in Cold Mountain: IT’S RAINING! So everyone is stuck inside. And also it’s kind of a Big Chill sort of scenario except the role of Kevin Costner as the dead friend is now: Joan Simon. And also Fosse just got out of a mental institution 3 months ago. And he’s there with his girlfriend and Gwenny is there with her boyfriend. AND ALL THE WIGS ARE TERRIBLE. 

So Fosse’s girlfriend: Ann Reinking! When last we saw her, she was ignoring Fosse at Pippin rehearsals but it’s explained that after his (1 week!) stay in the looney bin, he gave her a ring and now they’re in LURRRVE. Ok? Andie MacDowell’s daughter plays Annie and she doesn’t wear a wig and she’s fine. Fosse’s circa 1997 Ed Harris wig is still very upsetting. As is his tan!

Also upsetting? Gwenny rolls up with this RAT TAIL (it’s hard to see in this pic but it’s the best I could do!) We’re supposed to believe that in the last 3 months she suddenly grew this monstrosity out?!?! MORE ON THE BONE CHILLING TRUTH ABOUT THIS RAT TAIL LATER.

Gwenny also has a really nice boyfriend named Ron. He is played by that guy who played a nice guy in The Office, Obvious Child, and Girls. He doesn’t wear a wig and he is very nice! Fosse’s combover is not! 

Oh also along for the ride is Fosse/Verdon’s daughter Nicole who is definitely too young to be dealing with all these effed up grownups and also is bored and ends up giving herself a cigarette/pickle-induced stomach virus. GET IT TOGETHER, PARENTS.

Most of the episode is about whether Fosse should direct Dustin Hoffman in Lenny or proceed with Gwenny’s vanity project, Chicago, despite the fact that his doctors told him to take a year off work from either! Spoiler to anyone who has never seen All that Jazz or who does not know enough about Fosse to even bother watching this: HE DOES BOTH! WHO IS THIS SHOW EVEN FOR?!?! Also Norbert Leo Butz’s man wig is not as bad as the rest. Great work on not wearing shorts again also! Also Fosse/Verdon bone again in secret even though they are married but have lovers. The 70s! 

 And now to the critical and bone-chilling facts about Gwenny’s rat tail! After a night of drinking and making terrible professional and personal choices, Gwenny sits down to a breakfast of coffee and one single piece of fruit and then....UNCLIPS HER RAT TAIL AND POUFS IT UP! So first off, that clears up the whole ���how did her hair grow so long so fast” question. HOWEVER. This now leads to another case of WIG GASLIGHTING. This is when a wig (which is being passed off as real hair) is of equal or lesser quality to a wig that is a known wig within the context of the narrative. In other words - the quality of this rat tail (which we now know to be a wig) is of the same exact quality as the wig Michelle Williams wears to play Gwenny. WIG GASLIGHTING! For other bone-chilling examples of past wig gaslightings please see my reviews of The Danish Girl and Oceans Eight. WIG GASLIGHTING IS TERRIFYING.

EPISODE 6: ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE

And here we are. Throughout this (limited) season, we’ve gotten hints and asides, teases and tosses of All That Jazz but this episode fully just is a remake of the movie All That Jazz. Which I recently rewatched and is terrible. Terrible still? Anyone who would be watching this show would clearly be familiar with this awful film - so why make an episode that is that entire movie with absolutely no new information?!?! Again: WHO IN THE HELL IS THIS SHOW FOR?!?!

Anyway, if you haven’t seen All That Jazz, this episode is about Fosse editing Lenny while also directing/choreographing Chicago AND having some heart issues that end in hospitalization. Gwenny’s wig is bent as ever and Fosse’s circa 1997 Ed Harris lewk is still the same. Truly, there is no new information in this episode at all except that some of it is presented with Fosse AS Lenny Bruce which was an AWFUL IDEA. 

OH! Except this lady playing Chita Rivera who is really good and has the brunette version of Gwenny’s bent wig. 

ALSO! Nicole Fosse is now played by this slightly older actor who looks nothing like her younger version (or the actual Nicole Fosse) and is in a definitely terrible wig (and also forced to wear heavy makeup to visit her dad in the hospital because kids aren’t allowed to visit hospitals? IS THIS REALLY A RULE?)

Anyway, there’s a lot of All That Jazz hospital drama here and a lot of terrible flashblacks to Fosse’s burlesque tween years which attempt to explain his messed up relationship with women in an extremely Don Draper in Mad Men flashback way. There is also messed up hospital sex with Ann Reinking! THIS EPISODE IS AWFUL IN EVERY WAY!

EPISODE 7: NOWADAYS

Fosse recovered! For now! Back at Chicago rehearsals, everyone is wearing extra socks and doing just great. The most important addition to this show this week is that they got some dude to play Jerry Orbach! His man wig was terrible!

He also very did not look like Jerry Orbach! Anyway, this episode was mainly about Gwenny being TOO OLD for all this choreography, y’all. She was huffing and puffing all over fake Jerry Orbach so Fosse had to cut a lot of her dancing but once the show opened guess what? Gwenny got better reviews than the show itself! Take that, dance steps! However, there was a whole part where Gwenny read Fosse for filth and said that he owed his entire career to her and how dare he make the finale a duet between her and Chita! (He made the finale a duet). There were also many flashbacks about Fosse and Gwenny’s fertility issues and I almost believed that Nicole was adopted until Gwenny got legit pregnant while Fosse was too busy dancing to construct cribs. You almost taught me something, Fosse/Verdon!

OMG I CAN’T STOP LOOKING AT THESE PICTURES OF FAKE JERRY ORBACH. Anyway, Fosse/Verdon then legit DID teach me something: apparently a few weeks into the run of Chicago, Gwenny inhaled some confetti during the finale and it effed with her vocal chords but she refused to leave the show, thinking it might close if she did. BUT THEN Fosse got LIZA EFFING MINNELLI to take her place while she got surgery and recovered! This was news to me! HOWEVER, Fosse/Verdon refused to show me any footage of even fake Liza in the show which was a real missed opportunity. 

Anyway, Liza revived the show and Gwenny was kind of pissed about it but on every level: THE SHOW MUST GO ON. Here is Gwenny during the finale which she was forced to share with Chita. And this show didn’t even show us the full finale! I DEMAND TO SEE MICHELLE WILLIAMS DOING THE HOT HONEY RAG WHY DID YOU EVEN MAKE THIS SHOW IF I CAN’T SEE IT. There is literally no reason for this show to exist if it can’t show me Michelle Williams doing a cartwheel in a top hat.  What a world. What a wig. 

IN CONCLUSION: LOOK AGAIN AT THE TERRIBLE MAN WIG ON FAKE JERRY ORBACH. 

EPISODE 8: PROVIDENCE

We begin (or should I say end?) with some grumpy old men talking about what they can and cannot eat (spoiler: they can’t eat anything good!) Both Fosse and BFF Paddy Chayefsky have heart conditions and creative conditions. And I have a condition with this wig on Norbert Leo Butz. NO THANK YOU PLEASE. Anyway, Paddy tells Fosse how to rewrite All That Jazz aka how to rewrite his life and Fosse DOESN’T WANNA HEAR IT. And then Paddy dies and Fosse quite literally dances on his grave but in a really sad and mournful way. Yes, really. 

Meanwhile, Fosse interviews Gwenny in preparation for All That Jazz which honestly is just way to meta at this point, and she kinda tells it like it is. And I kinda know I’m not gonna miss this bent wig! 

Meanwhile, Ann Reinking is forced to audition to play herself in All That Jazz while under the painfully awkward and terrible direction of Fosse in this circa 1996 Ed Harris wig and LORDT I WILL NOT MISS LOOKING AT THE BAD OF THIS THING!

Then over at All that Jazz rehearsals, Gwenny and Nicole are met with bizzarro visions of themselves much like these bizarro visions of themselves in this show and omg everything just got way too meta and NIcole’s wig gives me hives. 

AND THEN. AND FRIGGIN THEN. LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA HAD THE AUDACITY TO PLAY ROY SHEIDER PLAYING BOB FOSSE IN ALL THAT JAZZ. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THIS SHOW COULDN’T GET ANY MORE VAINGLORIOUS. MY HEAD AND MY TV JUST EXPLODED. 

Honestly, this is the only way for this terrible show to end - in a blaze of glory and nonsense. Well actually, it ended with Gwenny and Fosse reteaming in old age makeup to direct the revival of Sweet Charity but the internet refused to give me any pictures of that and fine. And then Fosse died on a sidewalk in the arms of Gwenny. And then for some reason the whole show ended with a shot of Nicole Fosse’s Vermont house. 

WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP IT’S BEEN YOU GUYS. But now we can finally be rid of these terrible terrible wigs and this terrible terrible show. 

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[peggy-faces]

Mad Men rewatch: Season 1, episode 2: Ladies Room

We didn’t get much at all of Betty in the first episode. In fact, she allegedly didn’t have any lines at all in the first draft of the script. So this is the first time we really get to meet her. Betty’s mother has recently died and she clearly isn’t coping well. To the point that she’s starting to experience stiff and shaky hands, and ends up crashing her car with the kids inside.

Don and Betty have a new neighbor who is *gasp* D I V O R C E D. I don’t know if it was the intention but I got the feeling that this didn’t help Betty’s anxiety. It’s implied that Betty does know about Don’s philandering and doesn’t want to admit it. The arrival of Helen Bishop makes her consider, perhaps subconsciously, that she too could one day be in the situation and it terrifies her.

From a modern perspective(and as someone who suffers from severe anxiety myself), it really is cringeworthy to watch Don’s dismissal of Betty’s mental health issues, but I guess that was par for the course for the early 1960s.

There is a sweet side to Don and Betty’s relationship. It gets lost in the wayside, but it’s there. The scene at the end where they’re having dinner at a fancy restaurant in the city is actually pretty cute. You can see why they got married.

At Sterling Cooper, Don and the dudebro brigade are having trouble with coming up with an idea for Gillette's new spray on deodorant as Roger and Cooper are trying to persuade Don to work on Nixon’s election campaign. I probably missed something but are they pitching directly to the Nixon campaign? Are they forming a PAC? Did they have PACs back then? It’s been a while since I’ve watched Season 1, don’t judge me.

Meanwhile, Peggy is having trouble fitting in at her work. Pete(who, as you’ll recall, she just had sex with last week) is off on his honeymoon and literally every man in the office is being a weird creep. She thinks she finds an ally in Kinsey, but then it turns out he’s just as much a creep as the rest of them. I love Peggy(obviously), but I generally prefer later series Peggy to early Peggy, but I have so much sympathy for her here, which is why the scene where she goes into the bathroom to cry but then decides that she’s not getting to let those bastards get to her is so satisfying.

The seeds of Peggy’s copywriting career are planted in this episode. While it’s clear he’s just hitting on rather than actually having faith in her abilities, Kinsey is the first person to tell Peggy that there are female copywriters. Then, after rejecting Sal and Kinsey’s astronaut idea(“who is this moron flying around space? He pees in his pants!”), Don says they should be targeting women who buy deodorant for men. Shame they don’t have any female copywriters on staff!

Random Observations

Peggy takes Pete’s postcard and hides it in her desk. NGL Pegs, that’s a tad stalkery.

I have problems with feeling in my hands/arms due to anxiety myself and it is truly terrifying so the scene where Betty’s hand start shaking and she crashes the car brought back some not great memories.

I don’t care how fancy that restaurant is, you couldn’t pay me to eat a raw egg.

We get our first glimpse of the legend that is Creepy Glen Bishop sitting on the steps as his mother struggles to lift a giant cardboard box with a pitchfork sticking out of it.

Francine is simultaneously the best and worst character on the show.

I love Mona. She and Roger have the most incredible chemistry, even when it’s clear that their marriage is unhappy. They are married in real life so of course they’d be great on-screen together.

Roger is apparently young enough to have had a nanny during the Lindbergh Baby debacle in the 1930s, which actually makes him only 2 or 3 years older than Don at the very most. That’s… weird to think about. The show makes him seem so much older. And I believe later events on the show actually contradict this claim so ???.

Don calling Betty “Birdie” is really cute, but hearing him call her “Bets” drives me up the fucking wall.

Peggy earns $35($294.48) minus $6.75($56.79) for FICA. Just a few years later she would be making the equivalent of a six figure salary.

Who is this guy? No really, who is he? Do we ever see him again?

The banana Peggy brings for lunch is the nastiest banana I’ve ever seen holy shit.

I always get a kick out of the scene where Don is doing push ups: “seven, eight, nine, ten *sees Betty get into bed* ninety-nine, a hundred.” Same, Don.

Audio commentary

There are two commentary tracks for this episode. The first is with January Jones and Rosemarie Dewitt and the second is with Michael Gladis and Elisabeth Moss. Jones and Dewitt do their commentary together and have some pretty amusing banter, but Moss and Gladis do theirs separately and the tracks are edited together. This is something that happens a lot on the Season 1 sets(but not on any other season, so at least they learned their lesson). I get that scheduling issues are a problem and there’s a limited amount of space on the DVDs, but it sounds awkward and weird tbh.

Harry Crane was supposed to kill himself, but Weiner ended up liking the character so he lived. I’ve heard this before and I vaguely remember there being more info in future commentaries but I believe this is the first it’s been mentioned so I’ll put it here.

Jones and Dewitt agree with me on the raw egg thing. Ewww.

The restaurant scene was shot in a restaurant/bar called The Prince in Koreatown in Los Angeles.

Despite being married IRL, this is the first time that John Slattery and Talia Balsam have acted together and they were nervous.

January Jones originally auditioned for Peggy and she got pretty close to landing the role, but Matthew Weiner told that she didn’t come across as “innocent” enough whatever the hell that means. Betty was originally supposed to be a very minor character but Jones made Weiner decide to expand her role in the series.

Jones complains that she never gets to see any of the actors besides Don and kids.

Dewitt didn’t want to cut her hair, so they made her wear a wig. But the wig looked so fake that they wrote it into the show.

This episode was shot a full year after they shot the pilot. The actors had no idea whether or not the show was going to be picked up. They also didn’t know if they were going to shoot in New York or Los Angeles(the pilot was shot in New York, but the series of the series in LA). Ultimately it came down to Matthew Weiner not wanting to move his family across the country. Moss argues that it’s actually more practical to shoot in Los Angeles because it’s not like they can make modern day New York look like the New York of 1960 and in LA, they have easier access to sets and such, there are a lot of restaurants and other businesses in Los Angeles(“there are a lot of places that look like they were abandoned in the 60s”) that are very reminiscent of that 1960s aesthetic, and the architecture in LA is apparently more period-appropriate than the architecture in New York.

Weiner told Moss that in every ladies room in every office, at some point you’ll see a female employee in there crying(???). How Matthew Weiner knows so much about what goes on in women’s bathrooms is unexplained.

Gladis says the character he played in the pilot(“Dick”) and Paul are considered to be different characters and he had to re-audition for Paul when the show got picked up. The main difference, he says, is that Dick smokes cigarettes and Paul smokes a pipe.

Moss has extremely high praise for Christina Hendricks, her most frequent scene partner in the earliest episodes, and calls her one of the most wonderful actresses she’s ever seen.

Gladis had bronchitis and was “drugged to the gills” during filming.

Gladis worked on the impersonation of the Rod Serling and watched a lot of the Twilight Zone. He loves that Paul is a sci-fi nerd.

Moss says that the closest thing Peggy has to a friend is Don because he’s only one not trying to fool her or take advantage of her.

Gladis says that his kiss with Peggy was his first on-screen kiss and he was very nervous.

“No one worries about the bomb anymore” says Michael Gladis. Man, I miss 2007 sometimes.

Anyway, pretty good episode. Six and a half bad wigs out of ten.

[teikokusuffering]

Inazuma Rewatch  Episodes 1-11

This begins my adventure in canon reviewing for Genda to roleplay him on dreamwidth. The thoughts are shotgunned and mostly written as they came to me with no coherent fashion. Also most of these are live reactions that I did in plurk hence the format of them. Also fair warning I do curse so that’s in there too.

Canon reviewing just makes me look up at the sky within the first seven seconds because how did I forget how Try Hard they were in making Teikoku out to be the villain of the show

I will also never be over this fucking tank 

ah Kidou you had dignity for like half an episode After this begins your slow descent into never being dignified ever again oh no I forgot how cute the bitty soccer team Endou plays/practices/coaches is why didn't we get like an arc with them growing up and joining Raimon or such that would have been adorable jesus christ I forgot Gouenji has a sick ass guitar solo bgm when he shows up also I like how none of the teachers in this school are at all phased by endou like how long did it take them to get used to this child being who he is there it is the exact moment Kageyama fucked up he challenged Raimon to a game that was like poking the sleeping dragon you know better then to do that Kageyama you have a history with this school dramatic shadow effect over Teikoku up to like three now where the fuck do all of these tires come from? Endou do you have a dimension to pull those from? I still am in love with the fact the only reason Endou's grandfather's techniques have remained a secret is because of horrible handwritting not due to super fancy code or hidden messages nah bruh he just sucked at writing and explaining himself is all and Someoka with the first "Soccer isn't a game" one liner what weather wizard did Teikoku pay to cause that storm cloud effect as they roll on in with their fucking tank bus part of me is not even shocked anymore over the honor guard, only with soccer balls and not rifles, and red carpet dramatic moment of Teikoku arriving but a part of me is still just Fucks sake Teikoku chill kids you are fooling no one with your "practice" that is straight up showing off on the highest tier there it is the moment Kidou's fate was sealed Endou being Endou despite the fact that shot was a deliberate attempt to hurt Genda's first line in the entire show and it's basically code for "Here Kidou kick their asses I'll hold your earrings" I'm pretty certain there is a mercy rule in soccer like there is in baseball so I know this score is just ridic really oh wait that's right this game will not end until Gouenji shows himself my mistake Oh Max I have missed your blunt destroying of self confidence that you accidentally do trying to be helpful also this entire scene is so disconcerting because it shows that Endou really is knowledgeable about this sport and how to be a captain which flies out the window when he does a Stupid in the name of soccer and I'm just like Endou please god Someoka and his anger issues over Gouenji all this anger in this episode and then the awkward that is Endou and Gouenji before Gouenji just gave in and joined this soccer team meanwhile back on the ranch: Kidou gossips plots and shares intel with Hemni regarding Raimon and what this is causing regarding schools taking notice and basically rents a fifty foot neon covered billboard to tell us that Domon is going to arrive soon how did I ever take these kids seriously they try so hard to be edgy it's ridic 

I have finally reached the episode in this slow as hell canon review to meet the character that deserved so much more then he got 

Domon deserved a better soccer husband then what he settled for he put up with so much both as a double agent and as someone having to suffer constant exposure to a Raimon still learning how to stand on its own ah yes the moment we first really learn just how much of a douche the teacher/coach for Raimon really is Endou's father is still the purest of the adults in this series ...the fucking secret fort is still horrible no matter how I look at it children please that is not how we share secret information /wheezes at how everyone but Gouenji and Domon are shocked at Endou reading the secret notes those two just look so proud I also forgot how up in the personal bubble Kazemaru is regarding Endou in the early season like Kazemaru pls fuck Kidou and his hiding behind lampposts I keep forgetting he does this so much child child please ah the start of the Gouenji Endou friendship is so awkward as Gouenji is still realizing what he has signed himself up to follow Kabeyama tries so hard for this team technique with Gouenji I also keep forgetting Gouenji and his socks that are such a different color from anyone else like who let you do that? Are you one of those types of sports people that have lucky items they have to wear while playing a sport? Kabeyama's fear of heights is so real excuse me as I sit here and laugh brokenly as I remember how naive I was thinking that these episodes right here was the gist of the show despite all of the giant hints they keep doing with Kageyama I want to know how many of those kids collecting data on Raimon were being paid by a different school then they one they actually attended for that data like you can't tell me with how sophisticated that equipment was that they weren't being paid by several schools for that data meanwhile Kidou and Sakuma are just like 'amateurs' considering they legit stalk and have an inside man on the team instead of just filming and observing the practices good christ I forgotten how much Kidou just dunks on the cyborg team over them thinking a computer simulation is good enough to figure out Raimon like bitch please he can't figure them out what makes you think you can? I keep forgetting episode 8 is the start of Endou's leaving the fucking goal open 

episode ten is just full on, no stops at all drama 

when they decided to start the pain train for Kidou they just shot it out like a bullet also goddamn Kageyama just spell it out in fine detail you see these kids as mindless puppets for you to control why don't you god how many horrible backstories can we cram into one episode Inazuma Eleven: Teikoku kids must suffer Don't be related to a Teikoku kid and def don't be a friend of one that way leads to being part of a painful backstory also I repeat Domon deserves so much more look an episode with the one I'm actually canon reviewing for! I best savor this as I won't see him for like ten more episodes after this 

Genda: /standing next to Kidou and has no idea wtf to say that isn't soccer related, praises the rest of the team instead of actually saying anything else. Kidou: /stands silent while intensely gazing into the distance this is it this like forty second conversation is 90% of this social link how they have achieved the "Will die for you" level on the s-link rank is a mystery well okay Genda pretty much had that as level one/two for Kidou because it's Kidou all of Teikoku would die for Kidou because this disaster apparently has a +50 modifier when it comes to Teikoku wait no NOPE NOPENOPENOPE this is the episode where Kageyama basically destroys an already emotionally compromised Kidou even more no #ProtectKidou2018 Kageyama even calls Kidou a "perfect being" not a perfect human being just a being also who the fuck picked this particular piece of music for this scene this is not a nostalgic happy moment anime this is a man brutally destroying a kid's sense of self and self worth in order to keep him in line fuck god the magazine scene is still horrifying to watch as you see that dawning realization that Kidou Made A Mistake when he reacted to Kageyama going for that magazine jesus christ it just hit me how fucking insanely watched and scrutinized Teikoku is just it only now hit me that during the entire talk between Kageyama and that minion Kageyama has multiple screens from various angles all watching the practice fields in real time as the team practices and we know that the team knows this is a thing considering in episode 11 when Kidou decides to create his rebellion with the team he makes sure to plan it in a random hallway and not on the field where someone could watch and listen in on this whole thing

[mearnsblog]

“Beauty and the Beast” (1991)

For 63 years, the Academy considered some incredible movies for "Best Picture." Think "Casablanca," "Sound of Music," "Rocky." Those all made sense. It was rare for a truly trailblazing film that turned the industry upside down to break through for even a nomination, and no matter how good Disney made its movies, an animated film was never considered for "Best Picture." (Although "Snow White" earned Walt Disney a Special Achievement Oscar.)

Then in 1991, along came "Beauty and the Beast." It was a tour de force of musical storytelling, effortlessly rewatchable, and absolutely gorgeous to behold. It took everything that Disney had been building over the past several years and pushed it into the stratosphere.

There are so many iconic characters and timeless songs from "Beauty and the Beast." It's ridiculous. Any of the classic tracks would probably be the best song in any other Disney movie. Sure enough, I know people who think "Gaston" is the peak of Disney music. "Be Our Guest" was nominated for an Oscar and both "Something There" and "Belle" really could've been, too. They do such an effective job of building narrative in a mere few minutes while being catchy as hell, too. And I can never get enough of the Oscar winner, the titular "Beauty and the Beast." Tale as old as time, tune as old as song indeed.

Back to the characters. What needs to be said? Belle is hopeful, smart, and does not suffer fools lightly. Gaston is a fun bastard of a Disney villain, rotten to the core and without a care in the world about how his actions are perceived (the town certainly enables him, too). The Beast is brooding and rude before undergoing a full character transformation into the kind of guy who Belle would love.* This evolution also brings forth a positive change onto the castle, both literally and figuratively. By the end, it has returned to not only its original splendor, but perhaps even better than it was before.

*And no, this is not Stockholm Syndrome! This became a bad internet theory in a hurry once the wrong people got into it. Belle volunteers to be the Beast's prisoner, storms from the castle basically within a day once she sees what a raging, violent asshole the Beast is, and only begins to change her perception after he saves her life and quickly stops being a jerk. She doesn't decide to try to "fix" him or anything like that when he’s mean. They're eating meals and playing together as their bond evolves naturally, and when they grow closer, she asks to go to her ailing father. He doesn't stop her. Anyway, if you need more convincing, go watch Lindsay Ellis's video since she does a better (and more entertaining) job of debunking this.

A few more notes on why this movie is the best:

- Jerry Orbach of "Law & Order" fame in somehow an even better role. When I was young, it blew my mind to learn that Detective Briscoe was also the suave and stylish Lumière. His banter with Cogsworth (the incomparable David Ogden Stiers) is about as good as you'll find in any Disney movie. It's better than Timon & Pumbaa. Yeah, I said it!

- Angela. Lansbury. A queen. Chip's no slouch, either! He gets more to do than most kid sidekicks and frankly, Belle & Maurice probably would've been screwed without him.

- I can’t get enough of how beautiful this movie is. From the frescoes in the prologue that detail the Beast’s downfall to the wide shots of the castle and the hills to the groundbreaking 3D-esque animated ballroom shots, it’s breathtaking. When the film was re-released in theaters in early 2012, I remembering seeing it again and once again being blown away.

- The score. THE SCORE. No piece of Disney music gives me the chills quite like the prologue. The music starts on a high and never falters once. (Unless you’re watching a version of the movie that includes “Human Again,” which I’ve never been that into.) That’s an achievement.

- Also an achievement: Walt Disney and his team had tried multiple times to adapt “Beauty and the Beast” to animation during his lifetime, but he never felt that they quite got it. It was a tough task, but the early ‘90s Disney team was up to it (and then some).

- Obligatory comment on the 2017 live-action version: it’s fine. Nothing spectacular, just fine. Just rewatch the original animated edition and save yourself the extra 45 minutes of fluff.

- This has nothing to do with the movie at all, but the Thrones dork in me is not going to resist being able to point out that the creator, George R.R. Martin, gained some of his first attention while writing for a TV version of “Beauty and the Beast” that came out a few years before both the Disney movie and the release of his first “A Song of Ice and Fire” book, “Game of Thrones.” That version doesn’t have anything to do with the Disney one, but still. Neat!

Oh, and remember that anecdote about animated movies at the Oscars? "Beauty and the Beast" became the first to ever be nominated for Best Picture. Only two others have been similarly honored, and thanks in part to its success and need for recognition, there is now an Academy Award for Best Animated Feature.

Of course, you'd be hard-pressed to find a single winner of that award that is better than this one. It's the cream of the crop, with a story and cast even better than “The Little Mermaid.” I love it.

Best song: “Beauty and the Beast”

Updated ranking

1. “Beauty and the Beast” 2. “The Little Mermaid” (review) 3. “Cinderella” (review) 4. “Sleeping Beauty” (review) 5. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” (review) 6. “One Hundred and One Dalmatians” (review) 7. “The Jungle Book” (review) 8. “The Great Mouse Detective” (review) 9. “Fantasia” (review) 10. “The Rescuers Down Under” (review) 11. “The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh” (review) 12. “Alice in Wonderland” (review) 13. “Lady and the Tramp” (review) 14. “Pinocchio” (review) 15. “Robin Hood” (review) 16. “Oliver & Company” (review) 17. “The Rescuers” (review) 18. “The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad” (review) 19. “Bambi” (review) 20. “The Aristocats” (review) 21. “Dumbo” (review) 22. “Peter Pan” (review) 23. “Fun and Fancy Free” (review) 24. “The Fox and the Hound” (review) 25. “The Sword in the Stone” (review) 26. “The Three Caballeros” (review) 27. “Make Mine Music” (review) 28. “The Black Cauldron” (review) 29. “Saludos Amigos” (review) 30. “Melody Time” (review)