#ripper was a fucking girlboss before girlboss was a thing

[gaysonlyocean]

the best in existence whoever blessed us with cats thank thou my cat reminds me of my old cat. :[ i love them dearly -silly

oh i get that hold on

i have this saved on my laptop and i have had it for YEARS, this is adder (black cat) and lily (white cat) two of the three cats i grew up with, we had another called ripper (really ripley, like from alien, but she was nicknamed ripper and it stuck) but i dont have a photo of her saved :(

[willgrahamscock]

hanniballs :3 was rly tired writing, sorry for mistakes and all of the OOC 😔

Hannibal sighed and looked at his meat racks, he had used up the last of his supply cooking a dinner for Will last night. He only regretted it slightly, as he didn't like having to hunt in the morning; it was uncivilized to get up so early in his opinion. He supposed the act of sharing with Will, making their stomachs come together as one was worth it.

Cracking the fingers of his giga-chad hands, he went up his stairs focused on one thing, the hunger in his stomach.

Hannibal's eyes searched through his Patrick-Batemen-Esque collection of business cards until he spotted the perfect one. 'Gabriel Sullivan', his nose crinkled in disgust, he remembered Mr. Sullivan oh too well.

The memories flashed of an intoxcicated Gabriel bumping into Hannibal at a gym (Hannibal was on the grind only at 2am). Gabriel had reached his hand onto Hannibal's shoulder and pulled him in close.

He was revolted just thinking about the vile words Mr. Sullivan had slurred out, "Heyyyyy soy-boy," Sullivan had hiccuped loudly, "do you want to hear about my new crypto-currency?"

As if the Hannibal Lecter would ever drink soy miilk instead of human blood!

Shaking his head slightly, Hannibal was returned back to reality, or at least, his version of reality. As he was sitting down in his car, he quickly put on his favorite song and his one inspirtion in life, Cannibal by Ke$ha. She was such a girlboss.

The speedometer was whirring alarmingly fastl, Hannibal glanced over and saw he was going 72 miles over the speed limit, oh well. Live Laugh Love.

Not long after, he had arrived at Gabriel Sullivans house, it was suprisingly well decorated, or at the least the outside was, for a man who put his trust into crypto.

He debated how he was going to do this, would he knock on the door and pretend to be a girl scout? Sneak in the windows with the positivly delightful curtains?

Before Hannibal could continue on with his musing, the door to the house was slammed opened.

How rude, not giving him enough time to prepare. It didn't matter though.

Stepping out of the car which Will had adornned with fishing equipment, Hannibal assumed the guise of a old man who was severly sick.

Almost immediantly, he was yelled at, "Who the fuck are you old twat? Get the hell of my property or I'm calling the cops!"

Mr. Sullivan has just now chosen the hard way.

Feeling the wood of his knife's handle, Hannibal coldly slide it into his hand, not caring if Gabriel saw it, there were benifiets to not living near other people, but no one being able to hear screams wasn't one, at least not for Mr. Sullivan.

He speedwalked as fast as a girlie could, managing to get close enough to jab into the pig's stomach, puncutering the pancreas. The glassy brown eyes stared at him, and he stared back, smirking slightly when the injured blinked.

Hannibal began smoothly, "Tell me, do you have one redaimable quality? Any cooking supplies? Blink for yes. This will go much better for you if you answer."

He of course meant better in the sense of taste, however Sullivan didn't need to know that yet.

Water welled up in Gabriel's eyes, but he managed to blink, hoping to save his life.

"Good. That will make this go much quicker then." Hannibal said right before snapping the other man's neck.

"Now to get to work..." It was as if time had suddenly sped up, or an author had work early tomorrow morning and realized they should have spent less time writing the set up and more time learning how to describe cooking.

First, Hannibal moved the body inside the house, for easier access to the meat. He was ready to cook a scrumdiddlyumptious meal, one historians would talk about for centerius if they found out.

The meal was... human balls!

The deilcacy wasn't one he often got to try, for the FBI would surely be suspicious if all the victims of the Chesapeake Ripper had gottern nuetared.

He hummed to the beat of Vivaldi's four seasons, whilst he carefully used his pocketknife to cut off the man's balls induvidially. After he managed to get them in a fairly circular shape (as was required for the recipe he was using), Hannibal raided Sullivan's food stores, grabbing almond flour, two eggs, and the rich people spices / herbs he had brought from home.

Making quick work, it didn't take that long to find a pot that he would be boiling his wonderful creation in.

You may be wondering what exactly he was cooking, well, you know how most people had meatballs as a side with their pasta? Hannibal liked to mix his food together.

Anyways, actually making the noodles took about twenty minutes, which was pretty good considering he'd never had balls cooked like this before, but there's a first time for eveything.

He grasped the two balls, dipped them in extra virgin olive oil, then scuptled the noodles onto it, making the ball's resemble his and Will Graham's faces. Once he was finally satisfied with his work, 30 more minutes had passed and he was growing hungrier by the second.

Putting water into the pot from earlier, he also dumped amounts of Saffron, Kaffir Lime Leaves, Long Pepper, Mahleb, and Black Cumin Seed inside, combining them to make a lovely concoction of all different flavors, enhancing that of the balls.

The water boiled quickly and he delicately put the ball faces in, not daring to ruin one of their designs, if Hannibal wasn't so hungry, he would have painted them with food dye as well.

Exactly ten minutes later, Will Graham showed up, wondering why Hannibal had texted him to come to such an ugly looking house. He sighed once he saw the blood drops on the front porch, he wasn't in the mood for human today, but it seems he would have to eat some.

"Ah, I see you've arived just one time. The act of procreation is one of the most intimate one can have, and yet the place where we can do it is the most painful. Perhaps God is gloating at us once more, for daring to continue after we left his garden. Tell me Will, would you leave the saftey of God's garden? Or continue to live in someone else's shadow, never being your own self?"

Will stared behind Hannibals shoulder, "Dr. Lecter, why are there noodle circles of our faces." Before Hannibal could answer he did his his leap and continued, "And what did you do with the dead man?"

The pychartrist tutted, "I though you would have been smarter Will. Those are his balls, so unfortanute of the poor man that they had to be cut off. I must admit I was curious what would happen if we ate the thing used to make another, but if it where shaped in our own image."

"I have one question Hannibal, who will be eating who?" Will smirked as he said this because hes silly like that.

"Oh Will, what is life but not the consumption of others?" Hannibals lip slightly moved upwards.

Will and Hannibal sat oppisite eachother at an unfamilar table, with tension thick in the air, they began to eat.

The food was so good the both them had transfered into cat's! And if there's one thing cat's do with dead bodies, it's eat them. So nothing really changed except Hannibal's person suit would cost more and Will has more a reason to hunt fish.

I never thought I’d be reading the most raw line

“The act of procreation is one of the most intimate one can have, and yet the place where we can do it is the most painful. Perhaps God is gloating at us once more, for daring to continue after we left his garden. Tell me Will, would you leave the saftey of God's garden? Or continue to live in someone else's shadow, never being your own self?"

In a crack fic about eating ballsacks.

[surpriserose]

i cant get over how fucking fascist the dark knight rises is which like...i knew going in it would be if only because its based on frank millers the dark knight comics (and also no mans land???) And frank miller is the biggest piece of shit in comics whos not alan moore or garth ennis but christ i think nolan managed to go even more mask off

Okay grain of salt im not the biggest comics guy i just read the good stuff sylvie sends me so im not as knowledgeable about comic stuff but i stay silly anyways im gonna go character by character thats easiest for me

So batmans barely here except to become disabled and then practically heal overnight so very cool point number one 😐 but half of the movie hes stuck in the scary pit prison (because the Lazarus pit is too silly for nolan) with all the arab guys who didnt get whitewashed and its so boring and it sucks and only white people made it out of the pit ever basically who gives a shit it sucks honestly the only reason im mentioning this is because i honestly forgot bane wasnt the main character about an hour in because like? He should be? and ill get to that

Joseph gordon levitt is there and his character has a name and i do just want to call him joseph gordon levitt instead but thats long as fuck and hes robin so im just gonna call him robin even though he sucks ass. the whole point of his character is to be the good cop to gordons bad cop but it doesnt really work because thats a shitty fucking thing you see in media all the time because they always just go for the its just some bad apples approach look at this good apple dont you love apples approach but honestly nolans deepthroating the boot so much its even worse here. and yeah dudes robin but hes like.... nolans oc as robin because thank god i dont want dick in this movie (which would bring the whitewashing count up to 4 characters) or god forbid jason todd but i think its really telling how even robin in this universe has to be a fucking cop instead of like any of the disadvantaged kids bruce actually takes in like yeah this robin is still an orphan but thats way less important to the narrative and to nolan than being a cop.

gordons also barely here and i dont give a shit about him i wish he died i mean i always wish he died because hes a cop he is THE cop in every batman piece of media (except when he was jack the ripper one time or something?) and why even the most benign batman media is copaganda because theyre fucking besties. really i just want to talk about one scene before I get to the bulk of this post bane. late in the fucking almost THREE HOUR LONG MOVIE theres a scene where gordon is rallying the cops and goes to some cops door and hes like "why did you let your wife answer the door dont you know whats going on out there?" as if women are being raped on the streets of gotham which we never even see a fucking hint of??? the actual main issues affecting gotham at the moment are food issues and even thats not a problem because aid is getting in slowly and thats actually how gordon gets MORE FUCKING COPS into the city its insane and im gonna come back to this again with bane but while we're talking about the misogny -

-lets talk about catwoman who just kind of exists doing the catwoman thing of oh im on batmans side but not really and im on banes side but not really and it sucks but lets start with the misogyny before i talk about catwomans spineless centrism. when catwoman is caught by joseph gordon levitt shes taken to prison and the cops specifically point out shes taken to a mens prison (?????) because of the new laws because shes such a risk that a maximum security womens prison cant hold her but a mens prison can because womens prisons are all knitting circles i guess. This is really just an excuse so she can be in the prison that bane stages a prison break on (based) and come back for the climax and also have a hashtag girlboss moment where she does a sexy flip attack against a man threatening to sexually assault her which is just so classy nolan. and i want to fucking point out that this is blackgate prison which in most batman media is ALREADY FUCKING COED this shit was so unnecessary and gross and i just...its still pissing me off obviously so lets get to catwomans shitty fucking robin hood shit and why robin hood narratives are rarely ever radical. yes stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is cool but here and in most narratives its really only cool because its..one person or a small group. A society wide redistribution of wealth? out of the question thats too scary just go back to helping one kid steal an apple lady and hating that bane is literally crashing wall street (based) and breaking into rich peoples homes and bringing them to sentencing trials for crimes against humanity (based). Catwoman will have no part of that thank you and will instead just kind of...hang out until batman gets back.

side note what the fuck is up with the timeline in this movie batman gets his back broken and taken to the pit which is located in....an "ancient part of the world" the batman wiki tells me which holy shit okay the racism continues forever. but batman is not in gotham and again his back is literally BROKEN until it gets healed because he....was hoisted into a standing position with a rope? and idk how long that takes whether its months or a day because the movie seems to suggest both???

okay lets talk about talia al ghul and ras al ghul really quick before i get to based bane. Ill start by saying they're really fucking whitewashed like probably the worst example ive ever seen? Talia (or miranda tate as she's called for most of the movie) is played by a white french actress and Ra's al ghul is played by white irish actor and racist liam neeson. Because the comics are also racist ras al ghul never is really given a clear country of origin besides vaguely arabic slash east asian partially because hes so old but also again the racism but hes certainly not white again...because of the racism. and neither is talia who is only slightly less vaguely chinese and arabic. nolan gives even less of a shit than most batman writers though which is a high bar. talia was so boring and poorly written i barely remember her but they gave her half hearted attempts at environmentalism (incremental and done by begging the rich for everything though of course) before saying oh its actually because she and bane want to blow gotham up with a bomb which...god its all so stupid i honestly forget the bomb shit exists because it makes no sense and seems to have a detonation timer of 24 hours which again is why i literally have no idea what the timeline is. this shit is so stupid and unnecessary except to be the secret reason banes populist revolution of gotham (based) is actually bad but its so fucking tacked on even beyond most reasons why communist characters in media eat a baby to show theyre actually bad and so is communism because communists love neutron bombs.

BANE TIME! I'll also start out by pointing out that bane is whitewashed since hes supposed to be from a fictional south american slash caribbean island prison which......man. He's just tom hardy here though. Lets keep talking about communists eating a baby so theyre bad now. I think this is a trope people associate more with the mcu which is fair the falcon and the winter soldier pulled some shit because of course it did but i think we should consider the dark knight rises as a prime example instead. Not the originator since anti communism didn't start with nolan although i wish i could blame him for that too. Banes list of crimes batman has to stop him for are killing cia agents (based), crashing the stock market which he didn't even kill anyone at (not as based as he could have been), stage a prison break as previously mentioned (based), revealing police corruption (based), forming a militia to govern gotham while theres a transition of power from the rich and the police to the people (based), killing a bunch of cops (based), exploding some of gotham including all but one of the bridges out of the city (really just a strategic decision since hes about to have the american military on his ass and needs to counter that), and blowing up the pittsburgh steelers (extremely based). hey why is this guy the villain again? hey why does gotham have a wall street now why is this such a big deal is it possibly because the occupy wall street protests happened before during and after production of the movie? no that certainly couldnt be the case theres no way nolan would hate peaceful protests and create a movie where god forbid they werent peaceful and cops were instead treated like they treat protestors so we feel bad for them instead of people who are literally sick and tired of their labor being exploited by capitalism for the benefit of the rich. like jesus christ this movie is so blatantly fascist explaining the plot should have anyone going hey wait a minute. and you may say im biased in favor of bane as a communist but jesus christ are you seeing the shit nolan is pulling im being even handed in comparison i mean the fucking climax is batman showing up to rally the cops against bane and the mostly citizens militia of gotham like jesus fucking christ. banes not even a fucking dictator hes literally just some guy in most of the scenes after gotham is taken back by the people hes not even the guy sentencing and killing the rich and the police thats scarecrow! hes just on the sides like everyone else. and while im on scarecrow (jonathan crane hes not called scarecrow in the movie but he is that judge guy) nolan treats it as unreasonable that these are not hearings to determine the guilt of the police and the rich they protect because the people have already determined that theyre guilty but they just fucking are by definition. you dont get rich under capitalism by working hard you get rich by exploiting hundreds of thousands or millions of people out of their labor and livelihoods these people are fucking guilty even if they havent killed anyone with their own hands. but because bane does kill people on screen we're supposed to think hes worse but he only kills rich people and cops and the pittsburgh steelers!!!! like holy shit i hate this fucking movie i hate christopher nolan