#robin roxette fan fic

[deeperthanloveff]

Chapter 44

Chris

I pushed my key to walk in the door and it was no use because baby girl swung open the door jumping in my arms making me smile and laugh “hi papi.”

I pecked her lips all while kicking the door shut and latching it with one hand as I balanced holding her “wassup baby love?”

“I been here waiting on you to come back to me. I cooked your favorite and then we can pick up where we left off this morning” she said allowing her robe to slide off her shoulders.

I bit my lip taking in the cheetah print lace bra and thong she had on “ok, you tryna kill your man? You to happy.” She giggled and kissed me “no crazy, I’m just tryna make it feel like old times. You’d come home I’d feed you and ride you into the mattress. It was an arrangement but I was crushing on you so hard.”

I smirked “yeah I knew you wanted a nigga. I laid the pipe crazy from day one!” She smacked her teeth and jumped down from my waist making me laugh. She tried to stomp off but I immediately grabbed her wrapping my arms around her waist “I’m just kidding Melody, I wanted you from the minute I laid my eyes on your beautiful ass. And this accent you got turns me the fuck on.” She giggled “no don’t try to kiss up to me now! How’s Kae?”

I smirked “it’s ok I’ll be kissing all this ass in a minute anyway let me put some food energy in my body. She’s not doing well. She’s suicidal and I’m honestly scared. I didn’t want to leave her.”

“You so nasty papi, but wow. Do you want her to stay here?” I shrugged “I would never do that to you. I’ll just have her stay at Erin’s. I already called her and talked to her. She honestly just wants me around, but I can’t fall back into that cycle. She’s very much so still in love with me. The way she’s so antsy until I interject or touch her. She was always like that for years, but it’s heightened.” Robin knotted her brows “that sounds really clingy.”

I shrugged “no it is, but it never bothered me before I loved that then. I love affection, she’s just so scared I think she’s put me as the savior here.”

“Chris I feel bad for her I do, but I will beat her ass. Did she try anything?” I was amused inside but didn’t show it on my face. She was jealous, she’s always been jealous of Kae and how I treat her, she’s letting me see it and boy is it something. “What you mean? Did she try to fuck me? No, she’s literally on the brink of crazy. I think the last thing she wants is my dick.”

She huffed “that’s all I wanted.” I smirked “and you got it plenty of times. Is that the problem? You think because I cheated on her with you I’ll do it to you?”

“Does is sound so crazy out loud?” She asked tying her robe up. “No baby it doesn’t. You don’t trust us alone, and it’s not like you’re wrong in feeling that way. I can assure you on my kids I just held her. That’s all she wanted, so I did that for her. I told her I loved her and I refuse to lose her and have to raise our daughter alone. Nothing happened, I’ve cheated before yes, but I’ve never lied to anyone after and I won’t start now.” I said looking her in the eyes.

“I hate that you love her the way you do, she gets this side of you I want but can never have. It makes me feel like you’d rather her over me all the time” she said looking at her feet.

When she said that, I was finally able to see what about Kae bothered her so much. I also never let Robin see me unaffectionate toward her since we had our daughter so it was probably throwing her for a loop. I closed the space between us and picked her head up “baby you have to tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. There’s nothing I won’t try to do for you. Stop comparing you and her to this right here. You never really pull me in for the soft stuff. Is that what you want? Me to be more gentle you can have that.”

I gently pushed her hair back and kissed her softly placing my hand on the small of her back. I pulled back and caressed her cheek bending to rest my forehead hers “I’m so in love with you. I want this and you forever.” She blushed a bright crimson red and hid her face in my neck making me chuckle “that’s what that feels like, damn. Now I see why you have her so hooked.”

I smacked my teeth “stop talking like it’s competition. It’s not, you want me to give you that soft affection well ask for it. I’m rough because that’s always been our thing. I can’t know you want the best of both worlds if you don’t talk to me. Communication remember?”

“I’m sorry, let me feed you. Then you can feed me that good shit” she said biting her lip at me. “You a damn nymph” I said making her laugh.

I was about grab her and she pushed me away suddenly running to the bathroom. I followed her with an urgency because I didn’t understand what was happening. Once I rounded the corner I could hear her bringing up everything she must’ve eaten during the day. “You ok?” I asked wetting a rag with some cold water for her. “Yeah, I’m fine I guess that left over shrimp I ate wasn’t the best idea.” I raised an eyebrow because she rarely gets sick, but said nothing of it “you sure you ok baby?” She nodded “yeah I promise, go eat I’m gonna clean up a bit and come join you. We have few more kid free hours and I want all of them.”

I chuckled “alright. I’ll fix you a small plate and pour you some ginger ale.” She smiled “thank you papi.”

I walked off leaving her there but in the back of my mind I felt like something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I’d find out. If Robin is by any means being sneaky I'm done. I dished our food and thought about the possibility of her being pregnant, but that’s next to impossible because I fucked her last night and this morning. So I shrugged it off going with the first option of her just being sick.

Robin

I stared at the positive pregnancy test in my hands and I started crying. Chris was absolutely not the father and how was I supposed to throw this monkey wrench in there? Oh you know I let Odell fuck your pussy raw and I also let him cum inside me, so we’re having a Beckham baby! I grabbed my phone once it dinged back with a text from Odell.

Big O 💙🏈- Come over, I’m in LA. I want this baby and you Robin.

Me- O idk, I haven’t told Chris yet I’m scared.

Big O 💙🏈- Well I’m here for you baby girl, I love you

Me- I’ll call you later

I put my phone down and put my hand up covering my face. It’s been a few days and this is the 12th positive test I’ve taken so I know I’m not crazy. Just as I thought about what to tell Chris he snuck up on me on the bedroom floor. “Aye baby, what’s wrong? You feeling ok?”

I looked at him and he rushed to my side once he saw me crying. I wouldn’t let him touch me though. I could see frustration on his face. “Yo what’s good with you? You been acting funny all week man.” I sighed “Chris I’m pregnant.” He smiled and kissed me “why you so nervous? Have I ever not wanted one of my kids?”

“That’s problem Chris, this is not your baby it’s Odell’s.” I said watching him drop his smile and look at me like I was telling a joke. “Babe that isn’t funny, this is my kid right?” I sighed and shook my head “no Chris it isn’t.” He stood up and took a seat on the bed looking at his shoes. I knew he was pissed because he said not one word. I didn’t even bother to say anything to him either. He looked at me and I could see the anger, hurt, and disgust on his face. I couldn’t look him in the eye so I just looked away. “How far along?” He asked lowly.

“I’m guessing I’m anything from 10-12 weeks along. We had sex everyday the week of the baby shower for India.” He chuckled “you know I guess this is my get back huh?” I knitted my eyebrows “huh?” “You know I got Kae pregnant so this is my karma.” I smacked my teeth “are you serious right now?” He opened his mouth but the kids ran in putting a halt on this conversation “daddy!!!” Kyia ran up to her dad and he smiled kissing her cheeks “hi beautiful. How was school?”

“Ohhhh fun today we did 3 times tables. 3x1 is 3, 3x2 is 6, 3x3 is 9! Ohhhh and I made you a picture see, we dancing daddy!” She said handing him the photo. He smiled so big it melted my heart “aww baby girl you’re so smart and this picture is perfect I’m gonna hang this on my art wall. I love it.” Christian laughed and walked over dapping up on his dad with their secret handshake and hugged him “wassup pops!”

“Shit bicking” he said making us all laugh at him being silly. As much as we fought he never let our babies see us yelling at each other “y’all say hi to your mother. Y’all act like she invisible when I’m here be nice.” They ran over to me and jumped me and I laughed holding them tight “I love you mommy” Christian said. I was so emotional I started crying. Kyia wiped my eyes “mommy why you cry for?”

“Cause I love you guys so much. I missed you today too. I think I’m gonna lock you guys up.” They giggled “no mommy you get in trouble” Kyia said playing in my hair. I smiled “never you’re allllllll mine!” I started tickling them and they fell out laughing. “Alright knuckle heads it’s time for homework, get your books” Chris said to them as he stood up.

They whined “awwweeee mannn.” He fanned them “yeah aw man my butt, come on! I ain’t raising no slow babies.” They ran out the room and he got up to follow “Chris I-“ I began but he held his hand up. “Save it, I really don’t want to hear it. You let that nigga cum all up inside my shit and you carrying his seed. I don’t wanna hear that you’re sorry or anything like that. Just know it’s different now and this shit here is the straw that broke the camel’s back. You could’ve left me and my fiancé alone and I could’ve been expecting my son to be here in a few weeks. You knew you was straight fucking that nigga letting him believe y’all was together and you still stood in that room and broke up my relationship. This type of shit is exactly why I don’t want to be with you cause you fucking selfish as shit. I’m gonna go help my kids do their homework and then we’re going to see Silver today. I haven’t seen my daughter in a few days and I miss her. Shit I miss her mother too” he said making sure to burn me with the last comment. I didn’t even bother to argue back because he was right. Odell thought we were getting back together up until that baby shower. I also was fucking him through every inch of his house like I was trying for him to give me baby. If he left me this time I can’t say I blame him. I picked up my phone and called Odell “I’m on my way” I said into the receiver once he answered.

“You ok, why you sound like that?” He asked concerned. I sighed “just stay on the phone with me until I get there?”

“Yeah I can do that” he said as I grabbed my purse and headed downstairs to grab my keys. I walked into the kitchen and kissed my babies “have fun with daddy. I’ll see you guys in a bit.”

“Byeeeee mom” they said in unison. I listened to Odell calm me down as I drove to his house to talk. He was doing everything I needed Chris to be doing, and the reassurance he was doing made me feel good. It was crazy because I never had to beg him for things I wanted and needed he just did them. With this little life inside me everything was about to change. I was beginning to wonder if Chris and I could really stand the test of time with this. Could he watch another man father my child?

Chris

“Chris unhook your sister from her car seat” I told Christian as I pulled into the driveway of the home I shared with Kae not long ago. He did as I said and helped her out the car. I smiled watching as he held her hand to the front door. I knew when they got older he will be beating some ass behind his sister. I rang the doorbell and Kae answered looking very done up.

“Damn” I mumbled. She smiled “why didn’t you just use your key, I just got back. Erin took me for lunch and insisted I dress cute.”

“You look better than cute” I said watching as she hugged the kids. “Awe, I miss y’all so much. You gotta stay with me a weekend” she said kissing their cheeks. They hugged her so tight and it warmed me to see how much they seemed to make her genuinely feel happy. “Where’s my daughter?”

“First of all she’s watching tv, second can I get some loving or something?” She asked embracing me. I chuckled “yeah you can get some loving alright” I said smacking her ass as she walked away. She giggled and I followed “what’s up with you? What did she do now?” I laughed “we’ll talk in a few, let me just say hey to my princess.” I walked in the living room to see Silver sprawled out eating pretzels “hey princess” I said softly tugging her hair.

She turned around and leaped into my arms “daddy you came!” I closed my eyes and just held her tight “I promised didn’t I?” She held me so tight I knew she missed me all the same “can you stay tonight? Please?” Without hesitation I agreed “yes, I can and for you I will.” She kissed my cheek and crawled back in front the tv with her siblings joining her with snacks of her own.

“Hey, come upstairs tell me what’s going on” Kae said catching my attention. “You’re doing better” I said noticing a pep in her step today. “The medication is helping, this is my first day wearing makeup since the accident. I’m not the best, but I’m trying. Chris I swear today is the first day I see a light at the end of the tunnel.” I closed the bedroom door behind us and she walked into the closet to change “well you know I’m here for you.”

“Yeah I know, but what’s up? Talking about your problems might make me feel better.” She said making me smack my teeth. She giggled “she’s pregnant Rue.” She shrugged “ok so, you worried about me or, wait she what? How?!” I threw my hands up “it’s his!” She dropped her jaw “whatttttttt! After all the shit she talked and now she having a baby by O?”

“Exactly, it’s always something. I should’ve never let you leave me. I miss the peacefulness in my life and your Vietnamese food” I said earning a smile. “Chris you do know that you said you love her more right? Did you lie or was that the honest truth? Was all that for nothing? Or you just pissed off she having a baby and it’s not yours?” She asked her hand on her waist. I sighed “I’m past pissed, but honestly I’m in love with the both of you. My heart feels like I never finished anything with Robin so I want to be with her and then there’s you, but it’s different you know. You don’t want much and I love that. We got therapy tomorrow and it’s about to be whirlwind because it’s confession day.”

She walked towards me and climbed onto the bed laying back “What’s your confession?”

“This baby shit giving second, third, and fourth guesses. I know for a fact I can not see her carry another nigga child and act like I’m gonna be ok.”

“Well Chris it’s time you start telling the truth, don’t let that girl think y’all gonna be together forever only for her to end up alone” she said looking at me. “Did I tell you I was sorry? Did I tell you I never meant to hurt you?” I asked pulling her small body toward mine. “No, but I like the kissing of my ass keep going.” I chuckled “I ain’t shit, you rode for me and I played you. Is there anyway you could forgive me?”

She flipped her hair “let’s start with your credit card, cough it up daddy!” I laughed so hard and handed her my wallet “anything else?” She tapped her chin “this is part where we kiss and makeup, but I guess the shopping spree can be our alternate ending.” I looked at her bare legs and I was tempted, but I was trying not to be that guy anymore “unfortunately as much as I’m tempted I probably shouldn’t.” She smiled as my phone dinged with a text from Robin. I looked at Kae and she nudged me to open it.

Robin Hood 😈💦👅💚- Chris I think we should break up. I’m sorry I begged you to get back with me, but I should’ve just left it alone

Me- Robin what?

Robin Hood 😈💦👅💚- I’m going to get back with Odell

I didn’t even bother to reply. I simply just placed my phone down kicked off my shoes and laid parallel to Rue in silence. Two whole months of my life I spend in therapy to be worth of just a break up text.

[howdeepisyourloveff]

Chapter 18

Robin

"Ok Chris I’m not sure how exactly to say this but I had a pregnancy scare today."

There was no readable expression on Chris’s face. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was going through his mind. I was nervous as hell.

"Wait your pregnant Robin Hood?" he asked.

Was that a tinge of excitement I heard in his voice? Chris is unbelievably perfect. A part of me wished that in 3 months this wouldn’t end. I was so reserved when it came to him. So many things I had to say but, my problem was I had trouble accepting my own issues.

"Well no I’m not the doctor said stress was what triggered me being late."

He nodded and signaled for me to come to him. I walked over to him and he pulled me onto his lap. Normally I’d be so under Chris’s touch but, my heart was beating double time.

"When did you realize this was happening to you?"

I sighed “this morning after I got out the shower. I noticed I hadn’t used any of my pads or tampons so I got scared. I called the doctor right away.”

He nodded “why didn’t you say something I would’ve went with you.”

"I didn’t want to worry you because I wasn’t sure and I don’t think it would’ve been your baby" I said mumbling the last part.

He shifted a bit in the chair causing me to move with him. He made me look at him and I was unbelievably hesitant it was crazy.

"What was that?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

I sighed and my eyes filled with water “I said I don’t think the baby would’ve been yours Chris.”

"Woah Robin, you fucking somebody else now?!"

He raised his voice making me jump. I was so scared of him. One single tear fell out my eyes as I shook my head no. I wanted to speak but nothing was coming out. I had to tell Chris Kevin raped me but how?

"Then please explain to me how exactly you could’ve been pregnant with a baby that wasn’t mine!

I started to cry “Chris stop yelling your scaring me!

He tapped my leg for me to get off him. I quickly got up and he started pacing the kitchen. I almost forgot I was frying chicken I quickly rushed to flip the meat on the other side. When I did that Chris was staring at me. He was fuming.

"Chris I promise your the only one I’ve been with. I can’t be with anyone else."

He laughed “oh really? Why is that because clearly you were.”

I put my hands in my hair. I started to shake so bad. My nerves were completely shot.

"Chris I was fucking raped! That’s why it couldn’t of been your baby!"

I walked out the kitchen. I don’t know what his reaction was and I don’t care. Yeah I had things to come clean about but I had to do it in my own way. Sleeping around was never my forte. Yes I got paid for sex but I always had the same partner.

"Ashley can you finish frying the chicken I’m gonna go lay down for a minute."

She took her attention off Ty and looked at me worried. Ashley always cared about how exactly I was feeling. She was an amazing friend.

"You okay poo?

"Yeah just not feeling to good."

She nodded knowing to leave me alone for the moment and got up to finish cooking dinner. I went up stairs to the bedroom closing the door behind me. I knew Chris would be coming in soon so, I decided to get in the shower.

I turned on the hot water and undressed getting. I put my entire body underneath the shower head. I let the water just relax me. I was already so tense.

I hadn’t realized or saw when Chris got in the water until, I felt his arms wrapped around me. He turned me around and pulled my body into his. I laid my head on his chest and I quietly wept. It seem like fucked up shit only happened to me.

"Robin I’m sorry I didn’t know. Who did this to you?"

I held onto him tighter. It seemed like lately the safest and happiest place was in his arms.

"Remember the very first day we went to lunch?"

He laughed “how could I forget I pissed you off. I thought you hated my ass.”

I smiled “I didn’t hate you but, when you dropped me home Kevin was at my apartment.”

I paused. This was my first time actually talking about this. Ashley never pressured me into talking. She just comforted my when I needed her most.

"Well when I got inside he was mad because on our date I didn’t text him back. He slapped me and then he carried me to my room. I tried so hard Chris, I screamed I said no over and over. I’m so dirty!" I said breaking down.

Chris sat me on the ledge in the shower. She washed my hair and my body before washing his own. I guess he understood I didn’t want to speak anymore because he didn’t say much of anything.

He turned of the water and dried my body as well as his. He moisturized my body then got a dress for me to put on. He carried me to the bed and laid me on it before taking care of himself. I watched his every move. He looked so uneasy.

When he was finished he climbed into the bed and I snuggled my body into his.

"Robin, your safe now. I won’t ever let him hurt you again. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. Stop beating yourself up over it."

I looked up at him and he smiled then kissed my nose making me giggle.

"Thank you."

He smiled “for what?”

"Being here, I’ve really never had anyone care about me except Ashley. I don’t know how to really be open so thanks for being patient with me."

"I care about you so how you feel matters. Unlike your ex I’m not being insincere."

I smiled and climbed on top of him. I stared into his beautiful brown orbs and I swore my heart skipped a beat. I was going to cherish these next few months with him. It’s not everyday someone treats you like this.

I leaned in and kissed his pink juicy lips. He put his hands on my waist and I pulled my body closer to his. I deepened the kiss adding some tongue. I felt his member start to grow harder underneath me. My pussy started to quake with need.

I moaned into his mouth as our tongues played vigorously. Our lips were deep in conversation. I started to grind my hips against him making him groan. He rolled us over so that he was on top and he trailed kisses down my neck. He rocked his hips making his now hard dick touch my clit in the just right spot everytime.

I clawed at his back and moaned as he made love bites all over my neck and chest.

"Chris I want you" I said through shaky breath.

He started to lift my dress and just as his fingers rubbed against my clit the bedroom door opened.

"Yo nigga, Ashley done cooking yah come e- … Woah was I interrupting something?" Ty asked cheesing.

"What you think nigga! Get out we coming now!" Chris said annoyed.

Ty laughed “my fault cuh, continue!”

He closed back the door and I just laughed. Chris rolled off of me and I sat up. He looked down at his dick and smacked his teeth. I kissed his cheek and rubbed his dick through his boxer briefs.

"Let me get that for you Papi" I said in his ear kissing it.

He laid back and I pulled his dick out his boxer briefs and stroked the head making him hiss. Let me show him how much him caring means to me.

Chris

Robin just finish giving me some bomb ass head. I was on cloud nine. I got out the bed and put in some sweats and waited for her to walk out the room before heading downstairs.

I was so mad about finding out that Kevin raped Robin. When we got back from Europe he was gonna have to get dealt with. I walked into the kitchen to find everybody getting food.

"Y’all done fucking yet?"

I smacked my teeth “nah cock blocker I ain’t even get it!”

Ty laughed “my fault nigga, your horny ass could’ve waited till we left doe.”

"Oh god, guys must we really discuss my having sex with Chris right now?" Robin whined.

We all laughed and sat down in the living room to eat. The whole time I couldn’t help but think about this whole pregnancy thing. A part of me was really hoping that Robin would say she was carrying my seed. It was seriously an reason to keep her right by my side.

Truth be told I wasn’t saying a lot about how Robin was making me feel. I didn’t want to scare her off. Besides we’ve known each other for such a short amount of time. Honestly I was hoping that us being in Europe together was enough to make her want to stay.

I was taken out if my thoughts when the doorbell rang. I put my plate on the coffee table and got up to answer it. When I opened the door Kae was outside with a bunch of clothes.

"Uh hey" I said confused.

"Don’t tell me your silly ass forgot that you wanted to see the clothes I picked?"

What the fuck? I don’t remember saying that. Maybe I did though, I’m always forgetting shit. A nigga got a lot on his plate.

"Uhh I forgot." I said scratching my head.

She rolled her eyes “well it’s a good thing you have me.”

I shook my head and stepped aside to let her in. Man I was just about to kick Ty and them out. I want some pussy!

"How long this gonna take Rue?"

"Shouldn’t take long, why you got plans?"

I gave her the captain obvious look “kind of.”

She shrugged “oh well you’ll be okay.”

We walked into the living room and I looked at Ty. I saw him mouth the words ‘fuck she up 2?’ I just shrugged.

"Hey guys, don’t mind me just gotta get the stars clothes together."

"At 8:30 in the night?" Robin asked annoyed.

Rue just smiled at her. I was praying Rue didn’t do no shit. I don’t need no drama tonight. Hell no!

She got the clothes and I liked everything. Once she was done I hurried her to the door. Before she left she turned around and walked closer to me.

"I miss you Maurice" she said hugging me.

I sighed “Rue come on man, we can’t alright just …. Good night.”

She kissed the corner of my mouth and walked away. Man I’m beginning to wonder if bringing her along was a good idea. When I turned around Robin was standing behind me when I turned around.

"Do you miss her too?" she asked.

Great!

"Robin man, we’re over aight."

I tried to pull her into my embrace but she backed away. I knew some shit was gonna go down. Now look!

"I didn’t ask you that Chris."

I sighed “no, Robin I don’t miss her.”

She looked at me and simply just walked back into the living room. I saw Ashley and Ty getting up to leave.

"Y’all out?"

"Yeah man, I’m kinda beat!" Ty said.

I nodded and dapped him up. Ashley hugged Robin and then pushed me.

"You gonna stop pushing me with those crusty ass hands!"

Ashley rolled her eyes “shut up yellow crayon!”

I laughed and they left out. I sat next to Robin and started kissing on her neck. I sucked and nibbled then she pushed me back.

"Come on ma, don’t be like that" I said raising her dress up her thighs.

"Chris move!"

I inched her dress up more and stopped right at her pussy lips. I kissed her neck and she pushed my back again.

"Come on, you don’t want me anymore?"

"No" she said with an attitude.

I took my index finger rubbed her clit? Damn she wet.

"So that’s why this pussy so wet, you gon let me eat this pussy Robin?" I asked in her ear.

She could play all she wanted. She know she wanted me and she know she wasn’t mad. I applied pressure and started rubbing her harder. She threw her head back and moaned. I smirked. Fronting ass.

"Mmm Chris."

"Come on baby let me get a taste."

She nodded and I pushed her back on the chair. I zeroed in on her slit and devoured that shit. She know who daddy is.

Ashley

"Baby!!!" I yelled to Michael.

He smiled and winked at me “wassup?”

I giggled “I love you bae!”

He chuckled “I love you too ugly, what you want?”

I looked at him crazy “why I gotta want something I can’t just love my man?”

"My man. I like the sound of that" he said making me giggle.

"Babe when are you going to Europe to meet Chris?"

"Next month, you wanna come?"

"Um I don’t have to."

Michael said something and I looked out the window. I saw Kevin with some girl and I immediately was disgusted. I wish I could tell that girl what she was I’m for. She was so pretty. She looked familiar. I just ignored the feeling.

"Babe you heard me?" Ty asked.

"Huh?"

"I said your coming, we could go sight seeing it’ll be fun."

I smiled and nodded. I couldn’t help but think about that girl. Who did she remind me of. Weird.

[deeperthanloveff]

Chapter 40

Karrueche

“Um come in” I heard Robin say from behind the door.

I knew she was in there with someone I could hear her telling them to go into the bathroom for a minute. I figured it was Odell seeing as they were just kissing a little while ago. When I pushed the door he was pecking her lips before turning to leave.

“Kae bae! Wassup” he said hugging me.

I smiled “oh nothing just pregnant and getting fat, the usual.”

He laughed “you look pretty stop it, but let me get back before the guys think I went to rob a bank or something.”

He pulled in the door behind me and I couldn’t help but notice Robin being annoyed by our exchange. Understanding seeing as I’m marrying her dream guy I wouldn’t want my new one talking to her either.

“What do you wanna talk about?” She asked raising an eyebrow.

“Well it’s been four years and shit, this is long overdue. I think you have all these misconceptions about me. Most of them my fault because of how I treated you and most of them because of Chris and how shit played out. I just think as women we need to have an understanding” I said a smirk popping up on her face.

“I understand you fucked my husband and got pregnant and we divorced because your a whore. Is there something I’m missing?” She asked.

I held my barely there bump needing comfort because I could feel this getting ugly in a second “Robin that’s not even what happened. I didn’t plan this shit! You think I wanted to get pregnant when I did knowing that he was just gonna be my baby daddy? I never meant or wanted this for any of us, but here we are? You gonna hate me forever?”

Robin sighed “Karrueche please ok. You opened your legs point blank fucking period. While you’re both the cause for my pain nothing is excusing the fact you crossed a heavy ass line. Then what makes it worse is he just settled for you  instead of fighting for his family and life back.”

I shook my head “no he spent a year fighting for you back and you continued your relationship with Odell, just because you had to make him feel the way he made you feel. You think the sun rises and sets on your ass.”

“Regardless to what if you like me or not I’m not in here pleading for that. I can careless, I just need to know where you stand with him. I’m not stupid I know you want him back now. I see it in your eyes. You’re me 6 years ago when he told me he wanted you instead.”

She smiled and came closer bringing her face closer to mine. There was I time I’d back away, but I wasn’t scared of her “oh, you see that huh? That thing you notice is just the love he still has deep down. He knows you’re a weak excuse of a woman and you’d never leave no matter what he did so he’s marrying you. The easy choice, but baby girl he lived and breathes all that I am and you’ll never have him the way I did or do. What you got his kids so you think that’s what will make him stay? If I wanted him to be in my bed it’s really that easy. You haven’t won shit remember I left him, for all it’s worth if I put myself out there enough I could get him back.”

I scrunched my face pushing her back “you’re such a bitter bitch, you think you can just snap your fingers and get what you want!” I screamed.

Robin laughed “ohhhh she raises her voice, bitch puhhhhlease! You know what he told me the other night. He’s with you because he’s scared I’ll leave him again so he won’t leave. You really think you doing something?”

“You ever think he tells your insecure ass what you need to hear cause you beg him to come “home” so much?“ I asked raising my voice.

I didn’t come in here with the intent to yell or be petty but she’s taking me there. I just wanted us to agree we’d get along for the sake of the kids, but lord this woman can try your patience.

"Kaeeee!” I heard Chris calling me, but instead of answering Robin proceeded to taunt me.

“Oh, is someone worried that he’ll actually not come back? You know the night you called him crying he’d just finished getting the ride of his life from this little pussy right here? Bitch do yourself a huge favor and bounce!”

Chris walked past the door and heard us so he back tracked “What the hell is going on? Why are y'all yelling at each other? You’re pregnant baby come on now!” He asked pushing open the door.

I ignored him “Chris do you love her more than me? Are you settling is that true?”

He looked at her and I felt like I disappeared for a moment. He came in the guest room and closed the door. I was getting annoyed because he wasn’t saying anything and it was really bothering me. Chris loved to play and I wasn’t playing with his ass. “What’s going on? I can hear Robin yelling from upstairs and why are you yelling at my girl?” He asked flipping his hat backwards.

“Hell no, answer me motherfucker!” I snapped.

“Yeah it’s time we put the truth out there don’t you think? Tell her the truth. Tell her how you agreed to work shit out, tell you how you said you miss us, tell her how you got our children believe daddy is coming back home, tell her that you love me. I’m tired of the lies Chris!” She snapped looking at him.

He sighed and rubbed his hands down his face “look man I don’t think this is the time or place to discuss this. Y'all really wilding in here and Robin why you even arguing with her she’s pregnant she can’t be stressed out” he said looking at Robin with irritation in his eyes.

I chuckled “you love to talk in circles you know that. Chris I will walk out of here and never look back if you don’t admit the truth.”

He tried to grab my hand but I snatched it away. I was tired of this back and forth shit. If it killed me this motherfucker was going to make a final decision period. I’m not letting him slide on maybe anymore.

“Baby no, I just think this is pointless we’re getting married and it’s you I love. I don’t think there’s shit else to say” he said stroking my cheek softly.

Robin laughed “so you proposed and that means you love her more? Is that what you’re saying because if that’s what your saying then shit pork chops you got it!”

Chris looked at her again and licked his lips. She flipped her straight hair to the side and raised an eyebrow. It’s like they had this silent conversation and once again I was gone from the room. “Nope hell no. She has a hold on you. You look at her like she’s the only girl that exists Christopher. I’m so tired of this” I said turning to sit on the bed in the room.

I was taking deep breaths trying to remain calm. I had to be careful. The doctor was still monitoring me during my pregnancy since I lost one baby. Stress wasn’t an option.

He stuffed in his hands in his pockets and looked between the two of us before opening his mouth again “you know what fuck it!”

“How long has it been since our divorce has been final?” He asked Robin directly.

“Four years, 2 months Chris.”

“Ok and before I signed the papers at the desk what did I say to you?”

She smiled and looked away “You said, ‘Melody I’m doing this because you want this, but I’ll never be ok with this. If you know you love me like I love you we don’t have to do this and we can try again. You’ll always be my fire and desire.”

“Alright, but what did you do?”

She sighed “I signed the papers.”

“So tell me Robin, what changed please. What be fits you in here yelling at my fiancé like she stole something from you that has always been yours, but you didn’t want?” He asked her and I was eager to hear.

He looked at me but kept his distance. His gaze the entire time reading that he was sorry. He knew better than to mess with me at the moment.

“Chris, I was weak. Shit, I couldn’t take half of what I could now. But fuck that lets flip it. If you know that you love me like I love you than we can try again” she said making him laugh.

I kept staring at the beautiful canary yellow diamond Chris put my on finger and all I kept thinking about was how 20 years from now I’d be fighting with this girl for his love. A love that he’ll never give me as selflessly as he does her. Tears started to roll down my face and I slid the ring off of my finger. I got up and walked toward him and he said nothing but he knew it was done.

I grabbed his hand and placed the ring in his hand before kissing his cheek “you love her more right?”

He sighed and nodded his head “always have.”

“Stop trying to do the right thing for everyone but yourself, you hurt people involved. Congratulations Robin you were right, he’s all yours” I said before walking out.

When I got outside the door the girls were out there and I knew they heard everything. We were all basically yelling. I didn’t feel like talking and I didn’t want to cry, so I grabbed my purse from off the table by the front door and left immediately. I just wanted to be with my family at the moment. I’d been doing this with Chris for to long now. I just need a breather I need to be alone. I got to let it go.

Chris

“Ughhhhhhh fuck!” I screamed looking at the ring.

I just couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It killed me every single time Robin asked me to be hers and I had to do right by Kae. I messed up so fucking bad before I just wanted to make the relationship work.

“Chris, I’m sorry” Robin said walking towards me.

“It’s cool, I couldn’t keep lying to everyone and my damn self anyway.”

She closed the door and then proceeded to stand in front of me rubbing my temples. Something she always used to do when I was having a sucky day. I looked at her and she smiled “so what does this mean?”

I shrugged “tell me what you want Robin. It’s not my call anymore.”

“All I want is you in every single way possible. Like all the shit before this moment I’m willing to let it go for us” She said taking my hands and placing them on the small of her back.

I was feeling conflicted, not about my feelings just about Karrueche. I don’t want her to think I wasn’t going to be waiting for her at the end of that aisle because I was. I was ready to move on with my life because going back and forth solved nothing.

“Chris?” Robin called out to me.

“Huh?!” I asked my mind drifting in and out.

“Did you hear me?” She asked moving her head to meet my eyes.

“I said all I want is you baby” she said standing on her tippy toes to kiss my nose.

“Robin "this” if it’s even a “this” has to be taken as slow as humanly possible. Like I gotta, I really can’t just jump ship from Kae to you like this. I know it’s no games when I say I love you deep, but this shit is deeper than that. We need counseling before we can even be half of what we were. Like understand what I’m saying here” I said looping my fingers in her belt loops on her shorts.

She nodded “ok we can get counseling. We can do whatever you need to do. Just tell me will be together?”

I couldn’t lie “I don’t know Mel, all I can do is try.”

Her eyes got glassy like she was going to cry and I put space between us immediately “nope you not doing this crying shit. You see this ring you got what you wanted which is me single don’t cry now!”

“Chris I’m sorry I didn’t mean for this shit to go down like this. Especially today. Karrueche came in here wanting to talk to me and it went left. I wasn’t in here for that” she said which made me get upset.

“You tell your nigga that y'all ain’t together cause I’m sure that’s who that’s who you were in here with. You know it kills me you so pressed about who I’m with when you still running and sitting on O dick every chance you can get. You really something else you know that?

All I ever wanted was for you, just you to be the leading lady in my life. Then I fucked up, I totally fuck up and you bounce. I decide I’m just gonna give it up move on make a life with my baby momma, but nah you ain’t having that shit. Robin must get her man back.

Now I’m here with my fiancé’s engagement ring in my hand cause believe me I lost her that’s it and you just fifteen minutes ago in here fucking Odell, now you begging me to be with you and I’m really here like a fool considering it. I swear you selfish but it don’t matter right cause I cheated and then decided to be with her because she unlike fucking you ain’t selfish!” I belted out to her just irritated.

Robin always made some shit about her. Like with her it was always I, I, and more fucking I. Don’t get me wrong I can consider her, but she fucking deadass wrong and I’m sick of her shit!

“That’s not fair, you were marrying her. Was I not supposed to try to move on to?”

I scoffed “Robin fuck out of here! Move on or lead on? My point is that you gotta change your ways. Own your shit and fix it like I can. You fucking frustrating as hell, but I love you so fucking much. I feen to be in your damn space so much I use my own kids as excuse to be where you are. Unbelievable how you saw that all this time and fought for it, but you played a huge role in why it’s not just you and them and you know that. When I needed you, you neglected me. I don’t care how wrong I was you were missing in action.

You were my damn wife and you just fell back on the title. So shit I stepped out period. Ain’t no excuse for fucking her and I ain’t making one up either, but don’t act like it’s all my fault and she’s the reason for our problems. We been drifting apart for damn near a year before I got her pregnant we just played it like it didn’t matter. Kae was just the perfect thing to come up for you to leave me cause you didn’t want to deal with the shit we had going on outside of her. You got everyone thinking I’m just this cheater and I had a mistress when you know that shit ain’t the truth.”

She said nothing for a minute and looked at me “alright Chris alright. You’re absolutely right. I used her as an out at the time. I guess after we got married I felt trapped. With Kevin it was like I had no way out. He beat me, he raped me, he sold me for a buck. I met you and never dealt with all that baggage from before, but you were my out and I took it. While my feelings were always genuine, after we got married I started to feel like I was stuck again so I pushed you away, and when that didn’t work I neglected you.

You telling me you got that girl pregnant was all I needed to leave. Once you let me go I realized I didn’t want to be without you, but it was to late you moved on so I fell back and I just got tired Chris. I turn on tv and she’s there, blogs, interviews you talked about her like she was this Goddess. I wanted you back, I wanted you to hold me at night like you did and tell me that I was the most beautiful girl you had ever met and you loved me to the moon and back. I own it, I’m fucking sorry!” She screamed crying her eyes out.

I enclosed the space between us and held her. I hated when she cried so much. I also hated that this was us. Like we ain’t have to be divided. I could’ve always been where I needed to be.

“Is that why you divorced me? You thought I was keeping you prisoner? Robin that’s crazy you know I’d never treat you the way he did, he was a poor excuse of a man. Look if you gonna be with me you gotta trust me because lack thereof is  what got us here?” I said shaking my head.

“Chris what about Karrueche?” She asked me and I ran my hands down my face.

“I don’t know. I mean this is fucked up. I was marrying her, I wanted to marry her, she’s pregnant again. I just need time. We need time. I can’t just be with you if that’s what you’re hoping for” I said looking at her seriously.

“I already told you that I-” she started but I cut her off.

“This ain’t about you and your hang ups. This is about a girl that I had an entire life with and all of a sudden it’s over. Like we live together and contrary to odd belief I’m in love with her like it ain’t no fake shit. I can’t lie to you no more. Yes Robin I love you, I love you more than any woman I’ve ever been with and I want nothing more than for us to work it out, but we can’t work it out if she and I still have dealings” I said hoping she’d understand.

“Ok I get it Chris. Go talk to her and figure it out. We can take it slow as slow as you need it to be.”

I looked at my watch and realized we’d been in here over an hour going back and forth. I’m sure by now everyone has probably found out and shit is about to get real. I reached in my pocket to pull out my phone, but Trey busted in the room like a bat out of hell.

“Nigga, we gotta go Kae got into a bad accident they rushing her to Cedars Sinai now!” He said and I just blanked.

I was the cause for this shit and now everything is a stake. Seems like everything I touch turns to shit and fast!

Robin

It’s been three days and Chris has literally come home to shower, change, and head back to the hospital. A drunk driver ran a light and nearly killed Karrueche. She’s been in critical condition ever since. On top of that she lost the baby in surgery and Chris is just a mess. He feels like this is his fault. Had he of went after her and not let her leave she wouldn’t be in here fighting for her life.

“Chris here, you’ve got to eat. It’s been three days and you’ve barely had an entire meal. Karrueche would want you to take care of yourself”'I said handing him a container of some house special fried rice.

He looked up at me from the chair he was sitting in annoyed “Karrueche wouldn’t want you here stop acting like you know her.”

I turned to walk off but he silently cursed and grabbed me “I’m sorry. Look, did you at least get me some duck sauce?”

I turned and nodded my head handing to him. He kissed my cheek and took “thank you really I am hungry Rob.”

I said nothing to him and turned picking up Kyia who was pulling at my pants to pick her up. She laid her head on my chest and sighed. “Mel I’m sorry I didn’t mean to snap at you love alright. I’m on edge is all.”

We were currently at Cedar’s Sinai and I came to make sure he was ok. The last thing I wanted was to not be here for him to give him a reason to say I’m not around. I also feel terrible that she got hurt. I didn’t like her, but I don’t want her physically hurt.

“I get it your on edge, but watch yourself” I said not here for his bullshit.

He soft pulled me close and held me gently “I’m really sorry, I’ll make it up to you later.”

“It’s fine, just let’s see if she’s up yet. It’s been three days now something has got to give.” I said truly concerned that she hasn’t budged one bit yet.

We walked toward her room and once we got outside I of course didn’t enter. Chris looked at me and I nodded signaling for him to go on in. I stood at the threshold though in case I needed to call a nurse. I watched him stroke her cheek and talk to her. I can’t lie and say it didn’t hurt my heart to see him love her like this. Like there was a time when you had to even beg Chris to look at her when she spoke to him. I guess I have myself to blame for it. I knew what was mine and I dropped the ball on it.

I guess whatever he was saying in her ear softly was working because she was squeezing his hand. Soon after that “Rue?!” I heard him saying excitement taking over his voice.

“Nurseeee! She’s up!” I screamed getting his attention.

A whole team rushed in the room and I walked in this time because I was curious as to if she’d be ok. The doctor removed the breathing tube from her throat and Chris held a cup of water for her to pull from the straw. She held his hand so tight and he kept telling her “it’s ok I’m here” trying to calm her down. She couldn’t speak I guess because her throat was swollen so the doctor gave her a pen and paper.

Chris took it and said “the baby, she-she wants to know if the baby is alright.”

Dr. Anderson who had been with her from the beginning took a moment but he finally proceeded to tell her the truth “Mrs. Brown” he said sending daggers through my chest. Chris glanced at me and I looked down. This was becoming a lot. I knew they weren’t married but he was letting people refer to her as his wife, this was a lot.

“The baby wasn’t able to withstand the surgery you had and unfortunately didn’t make it despite our efforts to try and save him. I’m sorry for your loss.” He said sincerely.

She began to cry and Chris held her “I know I’m sorry, this is my fault. I shouldn’t of let you leave.”

I couldn’t take watching this scene anymore so I quietly stepped out. I pulled out my phone to call Ashley and she answered immediately “what’s the verdict?”

“She just woke up, the baby was a boy. The son he wanted. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this shit Ash. I feel like she wins everything” I said frustration all over my tone.

“Girl you doing better than I expected because you’re still there, so you mean what you say when you say you’re staying with him. The fact that Chris finally admitted to still being in love with you that’s a start. It’s like with me and Michael we’re still not married girl because we have a lot to work towards as do you and Chris” she said calming me down.

“Yeah I just think I could’ve avoided this shit years ago. I should’ve forgave him. He was sorry, but then I got all caught up with Odell and the get back. I don’t know why I allowed myself to become this person, this isn’t me you know” I said defeated.

“Girl you were hurt, you might’ve went a little extreme but you were hurt. Then you thought you could fall in love with the perfect man Odell was and you tried, but he ain’t baby daddy” she said making me laugh.

I looked up and saw Chris walking towards me and Kyia who I set down in the chair next to me took off towards him “girl I gotta go he’s coming.”

“Ok and be nice to him” she said before hanging up.

“Hey, is she ok?” I asked him as he approached me.

He looked tired and stressed. His eyes bloodshot, his skin pale, and he was so sluggish from lack of rest. I planned on taking care of him tonight if he let me, but first I had to see where his head was at.

“Yeah she fell back to sleep. They’re going to keep her a few more days to make sure she’s ok, but she’ll recover doc says” he said clearing his throat as usual.

“Ok, we’ll do you want to stay with me and the kids tonight? Let me take care of you Chris” I said stroking his cheek.

He looked at me and I felt like he was denying me or something it was crazy, but I didn’t complain or try to. I knew he hated being alone so if he said no he wasn’t leaving this hospital.

“Robin, I’m not sure if I should you know? You can handle all this?” He asked grabbing my hand that was holding his cheek as he balanced Ky on his hip.

“Chris I’m here and I haven’t left have some faith in me. I’m trying here” I said never tearing my eyes from him.

“Want daddy to stay over?” He asked Kyia and she nodded yes hugging him tight.

“Alright, whatever my princess wants. Come on” he said walking in front of me.

I followed behind smiling inside that he’s finally letting me do something for him. I knew when Kae left the hospital he would be juggling trying to be there with me and make sure she was ok. There was a time when I’d be so pressed about them being together, but I got a feeling this time around Chris has woken the fuck up. Let’s just hope I’m as right as I feel.

[deeperthanloveff]

Chapter 39

Chris

It was a little after nine at night and I find myself here. I ran up the steps to the front door and rang the bell. Didn’t take long for her to open the door. I stood there looking at her as I leaned against the stone wall waiting for her to let me in. She was clad in what looked like my over sized t-shirt and her hair in a bun. She stepped aside creating space for me to enter. I kicked off my shoes and she locked the door and she didn’t even look my way as she walked into the living room.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her body back “what are you doing here huh?” She asked defeat in her voice.

“Got in the car and drove here” I said softly while shrugging.

She sucked her teeth and tried to walk off but I pulled her closer. Robin and I had no space between each other as leaned down to her ear level “talk to me.”

She closed her eyes and pulled my arms around her. She seemed like that was all she needed maybe even wanted “Chris you sure about this?”

I let go of her and she turned to look at me, she was so hurt. Like in all the years I’ve known her I never saw pain on her face like right now “sure about what?”

She stepped forward and placed her hand on my chest “what do you feel when I touch you? What do you feel when I look at you?”

“What?” I said confused.

“Stop reading to much into it, you keep fighting me. Go back to our real first kiss. Did you know then you wanted forever?” She asked.

“I, wait where are you going with this? You wanna reminisce and shit. You always do this when you trying to get me to see the light” I said seeing a sparkle in her eyes.

“Chris, just think about it. When did you know that I was it?” She asked again this time really making me think.

“Dubai, I didn’t tell you I was in love with you but I was” I said truthfully.

*Flashback*

I drove us back to our hotel. It was our last night here and I wanted it to be special. Robin was special to me and I wanted her to see that.

I pulled up making sure Robin got out of the car okay. I gave the keys to the valet and we headed inside. We got to our elevator and I inserted the key for the penthouse. I backed her against the gold elevator wall and kissed her neck.

“You don’t even know all the things I want to do to you right now” I said in her ear.

I could feel her pulse picking up and her body heat radiating. She wanted me just as much as I her. First I had something to say. The elevator dinged and we walked into the suite.

Red rode petals were everywhere as well as candles. The lights were dimmed and, champagne and strawberries were right on top the bar like I requested. I pulled her hand and sat her down on the over-sized couch in the living room. Then I poured us two glasses of champagne with strawberries in them. I gave her a glass and sat down beside her. I observed her beauty and decided now was the time to speak on some things.

“In the short time I’ve known you it’s almost like you’ve become a part of me. There isn’t a second your not around I don’t wonder what your doing or wish you were there. You’ve grown on me and I genuinely care about you. I guess what I’m saying is let’s build something. We have to start someplace and I need you on the same page.”

I watched her eyes water and I wiped them before a single tear could drop. I admired Robin because for the first time she was letting somebody, me care for her. I really did want to build with her. I was hoping she was willing. “I’m going to let you in and I’m going to build with you but please don’t make me regret this” she said reassuringly.

I kissed her forehead “I would never intentionally hurt you okay.” She nodded and I kissed her lips to seal the deal. It felt good to finally feel like this might go somewhere besides the end.

I kissed her for the first time with meaning. We engulfed in the most temperature rising kiss we’ve ever been in. It felt like heat was radiating through my body as I deepened the kiss. She opened her mouth welcoming our tongues to get to know each other.

*Flashback Over*

“When I was finally ready to tell you, you left without as much as a warning. I mean I get it now. You thought you were protecting your man, but I didn’t need to be protected. You did” I said taking a seat on the carpet in the living room. She sat in front of me and grabbed my hand “don’t think just answer. Do you still love me?”

“No thoughts needed, I do.” I said truthfully.

“You love her more?” She asked me.

I smiled because she never asked me that out loud but I knew she was silently wondering what was going on in my head. She always dropped hints that she wanted constant words of affirmation but I thought showing her was better than telling. I guess baby girl needed both.

“If I tell you I do or don’t what does that do for you?” I asked honestly. She shrugged “I need to know if I’m crazy for loving you still. I need to know if I should damn well let another man make me happy or not. I quite frankly don’t respect her and you know why hence why I have no problem taking what’s mine from time to time” she said as she led her hand up my thigh.

I grabbed her hand “stop. She is having my baby. I can’t desert her because I love you.”

“By all means take care of yours but you can do that and come home to me every night. You find it so easy to give her what I deserve I don’t get it. You ran out of here so quick when she called you crying. Especially when you promised to work it out naked in my bed. Look, just think about this shit before you do it. I crave you like I always did. Shit we the new and improved Ty and Ashley” she said making me laugh.

“Nah we way more dysfunctional than them, but Robin I’m not living for you. You think because you’re ready to let me love you, I’m gonna just be with it. Is that fair? You put everything on me” I said frustration taking over.

“Chris I’m sorry alright, but you make decisions for me cause you think you’re doing the right thing when I don’t need that. You buried yourself deep inside me and promised we’d fix it. Now all of a sudden fixing it turns into you being engaged to someone who ain’t me. WHAT THE FUCK!” She screamed at me.

“First off lower your voice before you wake my kids. Second, Robin not that it makes a difference or anything but it’s fact that you begged me to make love to you. Now I obliged cause shit I wanted it probably more than you. Walking around here looking like that, but us doing that didn’t mean I was just going to pick up at sun rise and move my entire garage full of clothes in here.”

She grabbed my shirt roughly and brought her face close to mine “do you love her more than me damn you?” She asked again.

I looked away from her “I-I shit I don’t know anymore alright.” Lying through my teeth. I knew I’ve known for a long time.

Amusement covered her face “you’re lying. But you know what Chris fuck it. I’m just gonna let you get on with your shit. You so in love with this girl but you here. So marry her. Go kiss your kids goodnight and get out.”

“So because I won’t tell you I love you more I gotta go?”

“Well I mean you got a fiancé ain’t like you can spend the fucking night” she snipped at me.

I sighed and shook my head “I give up yo. Let’s face it at the end of the day this is a competition for you. You just wanna win. You don’t want me. You want to be able to tell Kae that at the end of the day I’m yours” 

I laid back on the shaggy carpet and looked up at the ceiling. I could feel Robin straddling my waist but this wasn’t about to be that. I wasn’t not about to fuck her senseless then tell her what she wanted to hear. 

“Chris I do win, you wanna know why? You love me, I gave you your family, I wobble on this dick better than any bitch you had, and you over there playing saint cause she’s pregnant but you know where you wanna be. When I called you that night I opened a door for you and you walked right into it because I gave you what you’ve been wanting for damn near 7 years. I gave up my heart on a silver platter for you. So when you leave here tonight think and think real fucking hard. Are you gonna stop playing the fiddle and juggling two or are you going to man up and live by the words you always told me. It’s always going to be me” she said looking me in the eyes.

She stroked my cheek and then intertwined our hands. I tapped her side silently telling her to get up and she did. I said nothing as I got up and headed upstairs to kiss my kids goodnight. I don’t even know why I came here I got in the car with the intentions to go to the studio.

I wasn’t about to let Robin come in and change up anything because I made my decision. My phone vibrated and I answered knowing it was Kae “wassup wifey?”

“Come back to me, I need you” she said making me smile.

“Oh yeah? What you need?” I asked her playing along.

“I need you to hold me and give me some loving” I chuckled at how cute she sounded when she was begging.

“Alright I’m literally in Christian’s room tucking him in, I’m gonna kiss Kyia and I’ll come back to my baby. That ok?” I asked knowing she was smiling real big.

“Yeah, hurry lil daddeh” she said before hanging up.

I shook my head and placed my phone in my pocket again. Kae ass was up to something I could feel it. Christian was falling asleep but as soon as he saw me he got hype “aye big boy. Ready for bed now?”

He nodded “yes, but I thought I was going home with you today.”

“No, mommy wants you and Ky to stay so I said ok. You’ll just stay longer when I get you after school Friday aight?”

He nodded “ok, Kyia was crying for you earlier.”

“Ok I’m going to go see her now, get some sleep lil one” I said turning off his light and heading out.

I left his door cracked just in case he had an accident. He’s six and at the wet the bed stage. So every so often he’ll wake us up crying like if he was in trouble. I just left the door cracked so Robin could hear his cries if something went wrong.

I crept into Kyia’s room and she was of course sleeping but I could tell she was restless from the way she was turning.

“Wake me up before you go, ooh I need a little more Just a little more, a little more of your love Wake me up before you go, ooh I need a little more Just a little more, a little more of your love ‘Cause your love, your love, your love Wake me up with some more of your love” I sang softly enough to sooth her sleep.

Once she stopped tossing I kissed her forehead and thought about how she was the splitting image of her mother. She was so pretty, I knew I was going have to keep her chained in the house when she got older. I tucked her in and crept out her room sure not to wake her. When I got back downstairs I could hear Robin sobbing softly on the couch.

It tugged and my heart strings so bad I couldn’t just leave. I lifted her up and held her in my arms just letting her cry in my chest as we sat there. I said nothing because nothing needed to be said. I wiped her tears and she tried to push my hands away, but I refused not to comfort her. “Robin I love you ok. I love you I do, but I’m scared of you. I’m scared of you leaving me so I’m not leaving her. And I also don’t feel like we work anymore. That’s the truth” I softly lifting her head so she could look me in the eyes.

She nodded at me signaling she knew that already, as she held me until I got up to leave “Christopher if you go through with this I’m moving on for good and I mean it. And you know we work you know we work so damn good.!Scared or not you need to remember I’m not waiting around for you forever it’s getting real old real fast.”

“Look it’s not as easy as 123 anymore. It’s so much wrapped up in this shit. You know what you asking me to do?” I asked.

“Yeah I’m asking you to live by your words. Fucking honor me!” She yelled.

“You love me, prove it. Nothing has ever stopped you before so it shouldn’t now” she said softly rubbing my hand.

I flipped my hat backwards and kissed the very corner of her mouth before getting up and leaving. The fact that Robin had been waiting on me all this time never became so clear until now. She always made it seem like it didn’t matter because she had another nigga in the winds waiting. So for the first time I was truly wondering, was I making a mistake?

India 

I combed my hair in the mirror and smiled as I rubbed my belly. The baby would be here in 25 days and today was my baby shower. My feet were swollen beyond measure and my fingers looked like sausages but it didn’t matter I was happy. Along with the baby shower we were also having the sex reveal. Trey and I were betting on what it’d be. I want a boy and of course he wanted a girl. I was just excited to share this with my family and friends. I even took the initiative to invite Robin and Ashley.

I was so tired of the bullshit so if this meant peace then so be it. We didn’t have to be best friends but I know it’s annoyed the guys worrying about keeping us all apart.

“Innnnnnn?” I heard Kae call out from my bedroom.

“Bathroom babes!” I said as I applied some bronzer.

“Ready to see my handy work?” She asked as she came in smiling.

“I know you got me everything I wanted, but tell me how you liking being engaged?” I asked gushing at the massive rock Chris put on her finger.

She blushed and looked away “I still can’t believe it, but I wish I didn’t get him like this.”

“I always feel like the cause for many problems in his life. I tend to think maybe he’d be better off you know? I’m sure and I’ve always been that this is what I wanted for me, for us. Marriage, kids, Mrs. Brown. I just wonder if Chris is doing this cause it’s the right thing and not what he wants to do thing” she said using air quotes.

I sighed “baby you aren’t a bad person. I know you think you’re this home wrecker because you had Kyia and he was still married, but that was never your intentions. Listen to me, don’t go into this marriage feeling like that and don’t go into it without talking to him. Chris is a lot of things but I know he’d walk away from this if it’s making you feel trapped.”

“I love him so much you know. Shit I’m having another child with him, but Chris still loves her and I can’t marry him without knowing that she doesn’t have a say in anything that refers to him anymore. I will walk with my dignity in tact before I sit around playing sista wife with her ass believe me” I said making her laugh.

“You’re a savage, but I agree. You know they’re going to be here today?” I asked making sure to remind her.

“Yeah I know, I can handle it don’t worry” she said running my little belly as I stood up.

I was carrying weirdly very small, but I think it’s because I worked out so much before and during my pregnancy I didn’t gain much weight. 

“Baby come on! Everyone is outside you always late” Trey complained walking into the bathroom.

“Trey shut up, I’m pregnant and swollen I’m allowed to be late” I said rolling my eyes.

“You been talking real crazy lately, but it’s cool that baby ain’t gonna be inside you for long then imma set your ass straight. You done forgot” he said walking up on me.

Trey had this sexy no shave scruff thing going on and I couldn’t take it. He keep it up we’ll be having another baby in no time after this one is born.

“Whatever let’s go get on my damn nerves” I said making him smile.

“Mmmm keep talking” he said slapping my ass as I walked past him.

I kissed my teeth as Kae laughed making jokes with him “you know Rue you ain’t half bad. My son really got him a good thing.”

She giggled “tell him that.”

“I have, hopefully he listening. But come on. Everyone is waiting for y'all pregnant asses!”

We laughed “listen I’m only four months along you can’t even tell I’m with child don’t start!”

They were arguing back and forth and I was focusing on not falling down the stairs. Trey was then most accepting of Kae. He never wanted her to feel like the outcast especially how we were best friends. As we walked down the stairs Chris of course was standing there waiting on Kae.

“Hey, what you took y'all so long?” He asked.

She rolled her eyes and willingly went into his embrace “India is 8 months pregnant can she get a courtesy?”

He shrugged “I guess so, but how’s my little one doing in there?”

I couldn’t help but watch they were freaking cute “fine, but we want some chicken.”

He laughed “aight, but you gotta kiss me and tell me you love me first.”

She giggled and hid her face in his neck “I love you baby” she said before kissing his nose, his cheeks, and finally his lips.

He told her loved her more and proceeded to kiss her all while Robin and Ashley walked in on the cute scene. I noticed he held her closer to him and whispered something in her ear making her bust out laughing before walking off. Robin watched and just because we weren’t friends didn’t mean I couldn’t see the pain in her face from wanting that to be her. She took it with a grain of salt though and greeted me.

“Hi, thanks for inviting me. I know we haven’t been at our best in four years but I come bearing gifts” she said smiling as she handed a stroller full of wrapped gifts to Trey.

He kissed her cheek “thanks for coming, you too Ashley” I said hugging them both before they did the same to Trey.

“Where’s the kids?” I asked.

“Mama J insisted she needed quality time with her grand-babies so she stole our kids. Her, Passion, and April they’re on the way though” Ashley said shaking her head.

I’m not against it though, I got to be with Ty alone. If I wasn’t already six months I would’ve said I might be pregnant after our weekend" she said as we laughed.

I consciously looked back for Kae, but she excused herself from being there and I felt bad instantly. “My feet are killing me, lets go outside so I can sit and stop everyone from waiting.”

Something was off and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I felt like today something was going to change. I just hoped whatever it was, was positive.

Robin

After walking in and seeing the way Chris held Kae and kissed her my heart dropped. I know he saw me that’s why he said whatever he said to her in her ear. She silently excused herself which I liked. 

She was all around not a selfish girl so the fact that she kept distance I appreciated. After talking with India some more I headed to the bathroom. I of course bumped into Chris and he broke my fall.

“Hey” I said above a whisper.

He smiled at me “Hi Melody.”

My heart dropped and I started to touch him but fought to keep my hands to myself. Then I wanted to kiss him and my mouth got so dry. All this because of the way he said my middle name. 

He teased me “what you want me to do to you first? I can see your thoughts all over your face.”

I turned red and he laughed “fuck, go away.”

“Ok, but no hug? Or we can’t do that yet?”

I rolled my eyes and hugged him his scent invading my nostrils making my hormones go haywire “you feel so good” I said out loud by mistake.

He chuckled “you look beautiful” he said to me before walking off.

I finally made it to the bathroom and shut the door locking it. I sank to the ground and put my face in my hands. I was tingly all over. Every time I look at Chris it’s like the first time all over again. I feel like a high school girl pining over her crush. He knew me so well so he just used that to his advantage. Just checking to see if I hated him yet. I still had a flicker of hope deep down, but I was going to live my life. It was what is was.

I gathered myself and used the bathroom then headed outside. I was relieved to see Odell there. I didn’t know he was invited but I knew he would keep my mind off of Chris and that’s exactly what I needed. We could’ve just came together had he told me that he was coming when we were together two days ago. I assume he figured I wouldn’t be here though.

“Oh, you’re here?” He asked walking up to me.

I nodded “yeah I was invited and I’m trying to change so I came.”

He smiled and pulled me closer from my belt buckle “where you going with these small ass shorts?”

I smiled at him “I’m grown lil man.”

“Lil man huh? I wasn’t lil man when I had your legs in the air at my place the other night huh? It was more like “oh papi tan jodidamente grande” wasn’t it?“ He said making me smile.

"Odell shut up ok!” He laughed.

“I just need to remind you that ain’t nothing lil over here, but wassup. Can I still use my key tonight?” He asked closing space between us.

“Oh you kept that? I guess you can try to see if it still works, but if it doesn’t then I don’t know” I said making him smirk.

He bent down to my ear level “just be naked and wet for me. I’ll get inside.” “Robin come sit up at the main table, you too Ashley” India said interrupting our heated moment.

I turned to walk off but he gently grabbed my arm “not before I get my kiss.” Odell and I weren’t back together we went out to eat and just agreed to enjoy each other. I didn’t need I a relationship and he understood the need for me to be alone. His company was comforting and I was accepting of him just wanting to be there. 

I of course kissed him but on the cheek and tried to run but he wouldn’t let up “nah, you ain’t slick. What you scared homeboy gonna get mad?”

I rolled my eyes “I can careless if he got upset or not he’s engaged. You gotta earn these lips.”

He looked real amused and he waited for me to let my guard down and proceeded to steal a kiss. I dug my nails in neck and he bit my lip in response. 

“You don’t want none don’t start!”

“Whatever!” I said walking off to sit by Ashley.

As I sat I was greeted with stares “what?!!!”

“So Odell? Is that like a get back together or?” India asked.

“No, we’re just being each other’s company and I’m liking it” I said earning ohhhsss.

“Look enough about me, were here for India.”

“Where are the guys?” Ash asked.

“Inside chilling in the man cave, Trey insists baby showers are for women. He’s also agitated because he knows he won’t be getting any for 6 weeks after the baby comes. I think he’s losing his mind” India said making us all laugh.

My phone vibrated in my hand and I saw it was a text. I opened it and smiled “hey guys I gotta make a quick call to the store. I’ll be right back.”

Ashley was side eyeing me but I ignored it. I took my time heading inside so it wouldn’t look like I was rushing for anything. Once I opened the door to close it I was grabbed. I smiled when I looked down to see it was Odell’s arm.

“I want a sample of what you gonna give me tonight” he said unbuttoning his jeans. 

I giggled “oh is that so?”

“yeah deff” he said turning me around and holding my arms above my head against the door.

Just as he undid my belt the door knocked “Robin?” I heard a soft voice say.

Odell let me go and situated himself as I needed confirmation “Karrueche?”

“Yeah, can we talk?” She asked from the other side of the door.

I looked at O and he shrugged “um yeah give me a second.”

Shit what could she possibly want?

[deeperthanloveff]

Chapter 38

Chris

“Mmm damn baby” I said stroking Kae once more before pulling out of her gently and kissing her lips.

She rolled over on top of me and I knew she wanted more but I needed a minute “woah, give me a few minutes you got way to much energy tonight.” I said squeezing her small waist.

She giggled “you got five minutes.”

I chuckled and pushed her hair from her face “yo what is good with you? You’re never this horny.”

She straddled my waist and the sheet dropped from her body revealing perky breast and a small pudge signaling my growing baby “well when you mix pregnant and engagement I think it might be a horny trigger.”

I laughed “so you saying I should’ve married you years ago huh?”

“Maybe you should’ve, but this ring makes up for your lateness” she said staring at her hand.

She was truly happy and so was I. Kae was going to be the final chapter in my life. We had a baby on the way it just made sense. I could never put Robin through a round two of this either. Shit I didn’t want to go through a round two of this myself. I should’ve cut the shit two and half kids ago. But, I’m done telling tales I’m going to do right by my lady trust.

“So how do you feel about getting married pregnant?” I asked laughing when she gave me a crazy look.

“Absolutely not! I’m going to spend my pregnancy planning so that a year from today. The day you proposed will be our wedding day, and by then I’ll get this body in order for my dress and our honeymoon” she said glowing as she gushed about our future together.

I could literally feel the happiness and excitement radiating from her. All this girl ever wanted was to be mine I don’t know exactly how I missed it before, but I guess back then I was young and dumb. Then I met Robin and I thought she was gonna be it for me. All this time maybe I should’ve just did right by Kae.

“I love you, you know that?” I asked cutting her off from her wedding plans.

She giggled and bent down to kiss my lips ever so gently “mmm I love you too baby so much” she said as she began planting fiery seductive kiss after fiery seductive kiss on my lips.

With in no time CJ was back standing ready to play and she was more than willing to play with him as she slid down my shaft. I watched her please herself and me and thought to myself if I had to deal with this for the rest of my life then I was gonna be A ok. I had to let Robin be great and stop holding her back.

This was it no go backs.

_____ *Two Days Later*

I pulled up to Robin’s store to drop the kids off. She asked that I just come here rather than to the house and I obliged. We haven’t really been speaking much and I get it. Her sister said she told her about the proposal and she’s just been really to herself. I’m also sure she saw The Shaderoom & Balleralert post Kae’s instagram pictures from our proposal and romantic weekend so I’m just going with the flow. I don’t believe I could ever hurt Robin more than I’ve hurt her throughout the years, but she likes to act like she’s good so I never really know.

“Y'all ready to see mommy?” I asked Kyia & Christian and they nodded.

“Aight Chris unhook your sister and slide over so you can get out” I said killing engine and unbuckling my seat belt so I can get out.

I ran around the car and opened the door of course with the paps swarming the car “aight y'all can get pics just back up because I got my kids” I said to them before picking up my daughter.

Little Chris climbed out the car and closed in the door grabbing my hand “daddy will people take pictures of me to when I’m your age?”

I chuckled as we walked toward her store “sure if that’s what you want they sure will. Just be better than daddy ok.”

He smiled and looked up at me “yay ok!”

When we walked in the store Mercedeh was behind the counter on her phone “hey Merc where’s Mel?”

She looked up “hey guys, she’s um in her office, just wait until she comes out.”

I raised my eyebrow at her “why? I brought the kids.”

I ignored her and made my way towards Robin’s office with Mercedeh yelling “Chris wait!”

I pushed her door open to see her sitting on some dudes lap them sucking face “mommy!” Little Chris sang running in behind me.

Normally I would flip. This time I ain’t even have it in me. I was just wondering why she’d have some nigga here when her kids were coming, but Robin did this once so I’m sure they knew him already. Judging from the way Mercedeh was acting I’m sure I was the last to find out about son.

“Hey baby” she said smiling at him getting up, her eyes on me the entire time.

“Imma give Kyia to your sister. She’s falling asleep. Call me or text me if they need something” I said turning and leaving out.

She of course ran behind me “Chris wait, don’t just leave like that!”

“I gotta go Robin, Kae is waiting for me to take her crib shopping. Wassup?” I turned asking her normally.

She looked confused as hell “Luke is just a friend.”

I chuckled “damn you kiss your friends like that? It’s cool Rob you don’t gotta explain do you.”

“Chris don’t make me feel bad about this” she said looking down at her five inch red bottom heels.

I shrugged “you don’t gotta feel bad we ain’t together. Do you.

She sighed and looked at me “you picked her over me. You don’t get to have the I don’t care attitude.”

I chuckled “Robin stop, I do care about you I do so cut your pity party. You got Luke, just watch him around my kids. Good day ma'am.” I said handing a now sleeping Kyia over to Mercedeh gently so she wouldn’t start to cry if she knew I was leaving. I kissed her small head and headed along my way.

“Bye daddy” I heard Christian say.“

"See you later lil me” I said walking out to my car.

I got in my car and headed home to get my fiancé we still had a baby to prepare for. I was not about to stress about Robin acting out.

Robin

I looked at Mercedeh and she gave me that I told you so look. I scoffed and walked back into my office to see a waiting patiently Luke. Luke James, fine ass Luke James. We’d been seeing each other for a month now. I met him a few months ago and he asked for my number, but I was so into Chris I’d never go out with him.

When Chris told me Kae was pregnant again we got close. He’s really sweet and patient with me. I explained to him that I was trying hard to get over my ex husband, and he said he was going to be the man that made me forget. Every time I was with him I did forget and it felt good real good for what it was, a distraction.

“You in trouble?” He asked smiling at me.

“No he was so calm I was taken back” I said truly confused.

“Is that not the reaction you wanted?” He asked me.

“I don’t know, I just know he’s such a hot head. I’m just more shocked than anything, but did you still want us to get lunch?” I asked switching the subject.

“You know you gotta tell me what he’s done to get you so hooked. If you don’t open up to me we can’t grow together Robin” he said getting up to meet me in the middle of the room.

“I don’t know it’s been 7 years you know. I’ve loved him since the beginning. He was there for me and wanted me when no one else did. He helped me through my past and things just got sour. He made a mistake and I couldn’t handle it so I ran. I guess when I realized I shouldn’t of ran him and his ex made a family and it crushed me. It still does watching him love her the way he did me, but I gotta understand what we had we don’t. I went bat shit crazy so he could come back” I paused laughing.

“I got to let go. Let go and-”

“Let a man get a chance, can we try that?” Luke asked brushing my curls out my head.

He gently caressed my cheek and I grabbed his hand “I’m scared Luke. I don’t want to waste your time”.

He chuckled “I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going to drive me away like you said you did Odell.”

I smiled at him but I kept feeling like he’d grow tired of me never loving him fast enough the way he loved me if we grew to that. Then there’s, Odell I always feel like maybe I should’ve just let him in. O wanted to marry me and us to have kids, I don’t know why I let things get so out of hand. I was willing to try with Luke though, because who knows maybe this was my future. It’s just that everyday that has passed since Chris proposed to Kae I keep looking at my old wedding rings wishing I never took them off. He did everything to put a stop to our divorce but I hated him. He’s loved me for so long I should’ve just let him love me like the fuck he asked.

“Why are you so perfect?” I asked him.

He chuckled “I’m not, I’m just good people.”

He placed his hand on the small of my back and bent down to meet my 5'3” frame. He gently kissed my lips and I immediately returned the favor. His lips were soft like cotton and I could feast on them all day. His kisses set a fire in my draws that needed to be put out, but it was to early for all of that. Just as I pulled back from our kiss my phone went off.

“You gonna get that?” He asked.

“Do I have to?” I asked making him laugh.

“I think you should then we can grab a bite. Sound good?”

I shook my head yes and answered my phone that was in my hand the entire time without looking “This is Robin.”

“So I’m in LA, can we talk?” His voice boomed through the line.

The sound of his voice made me instantly smile but I was confused about why he’d want to talk “me? I mean yeah, but why now?”

“Robin, I just think we need to hash some stuff out. You owe me that” he said and I agreed.

“Yeah O, just text me the details we can talk” I said.

“Alright, later” he said hanging up the phone.

I looked at Luke and I opened my mouth to tell him what happened but he stopped me “relax you don’t have to tell me everything. Let’s go though I know you’re hungry.”

I grabbed my Chanel purse and smiled picking it up because I remembered when Chris bought it for me on our second wedding anniversary. I’d thought he forgot about it because he was acting so busy, but of course he was being slick because I woke up to it on the pillow next to me along with clues to finding my other gifts. He was always so thoughtful, my smile made him feel like everything would be alright. I guess it’s true what they say you never miss your water until your well runs dry.

“Robin you alright?” Luke asked getting my attention.

“Um, yeah but would I be the worst if I asked for a rain check? I suddenly just want to get some pizza and watch Scooby Doo with my babies” I said truthfully.

“Yeah, I figured once they got here you’d just want to be with them anyways. I’ll FaceTime you tonight. I’m gonna just go to the gym” he said kissing my forehead before leaving.

I sighed and sat down at my desk holding my head in my hands. There was no way out of this one. A part of me felt like Chris refrained from picking me because he thought he’d be putting me through what he did before. I don’t think me telling him I was ready to sign up for whatever came our way was enough for him. I’m not who I was before. I don’t scare so easily anymore. All I wanted was his word and his love, but it’s time for me to move on.

“Hey, Ky was whining for Chris so I think you’ll be able to sooth her cries until Chris calls later to sing to her” Mercedeh said bringing in my big baby rubbing her eyes.

I reached out for her and immediately clung to me once she saw my face “awe moms baby. Want us to get pizza and go home with big brother?” I asked her and she nodded.

“Ok daddy is going to call you later, don’t cry baby” I said rubbing her back.

“Hey can you close up for me tonight? I’ll call Ashley to come help. I just want to get home, is that ok or you’d rather I stay?” I asked looking at her as she typed away on her on her phone.

“Ashley just walked in the door so you’re good. I put the kids bags in your car a few minutes ago, so you can go. Robin just don’t use being home all the time as your excuse to mope over Chris. Call Odell he loves you and let him” she said pushing her hair out her face.

“You always were team Odell” I said laughing as I held Ky against my chest.

“Yeah you were too, I don’t know what happened but he came by here yesterday looking for you. He said he’s not over you, so you better let the nigga that wants to put a ring on your finger put it” she said making me smile.

“Well girl he called me today, he said he wants to talk and I agreed. He texted for me to meet him at NOBU tomorrow night. So we’ll see, but what about Luke?” I asked.

She smacked her teeth “girl please forget him for now. You can drop the kids at my house and get them in the morning. August loves them and get your man. Chris made his choice now you need to make yours.”

I nodded and said nothing. She was right, but it didn’t change the fact that I wanted a different out come. I guess I was just going to stop fighting the inevitable and trying to change shit I couldn’t.

“I’ll let it go, just bare with me. It’s not that easy but I’m trying. It would be so much easier if I didn’t have to see his ass every week, but I’m trying” I said standing up with Ky grabbing my stuff so we could leave.

“You’ll be ok Robin, you were ok before and you’ll be ok now” Mercedeh said pulling in my office door as we left.

“I know girl, hey Ash” I said quickly changing the subject.

“Hey girl, gimme my baby” she said rushing over and grabbing Kyia.

Those kids loved their Auntie Ash “hey how’s my bun in the oven?” I asked rubbing her belly.

“Girl I’m over being pregnant, I got three more months of this hot shit. But what’s up with you? How you been doing?” She asked placing Ky on her feet and holding her hand cause I’m guessing she was hurting her back.

“I’m good for the most part. Meeting Odell tomorrow, so we gotta see how that goes” I said sighing.

“Mmmm well you know I’m team his sexy ass, but what about chocolate Luke?” She said making me laugh.

“You laughing girl but these niggas want your Latin/Surinamese ass you crying over Chris” she said smiling.

I giggled “whatever. Christian baby say bye and let’s go. Mommy is tired chile.”

Chris looked up from playing on Cedeh’s phone and did exactly what I said before grabbing his sister’s hand “come on mommy.”

“I’ll be ok y'all stop worrying about me. I’m going to have my happy ending to y'all. I just gotta feed my babies before I do” I said making the girls laugh.

I had to keep everything around me on the up and up. It was the only way I’d be ok. It also helped that I had numerous kinds of male attention. Chris would always be my heart, but I guess I just had to let go.