#sam doesn't trust himself either. he blames himself. hes scared of himself. and he needs to step back from hunting. 😭😭😭

[batcavescolony]

S5 E2 Supernatural

Poor Bobby 😭, Cas really when all out with the rib protection! Bobby is paralyzed. And the necklace that Sam gave Dean as kids is a God EMF and he trusted Cass with it.

ELLEN IS BACK!!!! (+JO) And she upset they didn't keep in touch, which is fair, they deserve it.

I love it when ancient texts have double meaning, riding a horse but it's modern, a mustang is a horse... and a car. This poor town though, now they get to live with the fact that they killed all their friends and family.

[samanddeanloveeachothersomuch]

Opinion #28

Dean has never seen Sam as a monster and would never kill him. I'm very well aware of the things Dean has said to Sam or about him, especially during that time. I am not here to defend Dean blindly as some of the things he said to Sam were awful. However, when Dean gets very angry he says stuff he regrets. Sam does this as well as seen in season 9 with the Gadreel thing. They're mad and they are trying to hurt each other but they don't truly mean it. I have no doubt he regretted the things he said to Sam and of course throwing out the amulet. Which he didn't truly need to remind him how he feels about his brother. Dean even said "I know I've said some things that sent you back on your heels" meaning he knows he says awful things when he's angry but doesn't want Sam to think he meant them. I would also like to point out that if Sam had died in that panic room Dean would have done anything to bring him back regardless of what he said to Bobby. I'm not here to blindly defend Sam either he hurt Dean as well and what he went through was not unlike what Dean went through with the Mark of Cain. But Dean loves Sam and if he truly thought Sam was a monster he wouldn't have to leave when Sam was crying out in the panic room, or tell Michael to fix him when he was killed by Anna, or believed in him enough to say no to Michael or been willing to make sure if Sam died he didn't die alone knowing he himself could be killed. So yeah they both 100% made mistakes those seasons but Dean was there for Sam when it truly counted. It was a mixture of Dean's love and Sam's own love for his brother that allowed him to save the world.

Moving over to season 13. I do of course see how Sam and Jack are paralleled as they both had powers at some point and were both scared of becoming evil. (Dean, while scared of what the visions and the one telepathy incident could mean, he never blamed Sam for the visions. He refused to kill Sam when he was possessed and didn't kill him during anytime in season 4 or 5 either and would have done anything to get him back during that time as well as any other time.) However, Dean seeing Jack as a monster doesn't prove that he ever saw Sam as one. Jack was the son of the Devil although he had a human mother I think you can see why Dean would be skeptical to trust him as much as Sam would be willing to give him a chance. Sam is Dean's brother who he's known all his life, is proud of, and probably thinks is a better human being than him. It was because Jack saved Sam that Dean even considered that he could be good. I think Sam and Dean could do practically anything to each other and they would never be anything but good in their eyes and they would always forgive each other.

[deancasbigbang]

Title: From Valley to Valley, and Onwards

Author: wayward_angels_club

Artist: unanimous_anonymous

Rating: Explicit

Pairings: Dean Winchester/Castiel, Past Dean/Others (male and female), Past Castiel/Others (male and female), Minor Becky Rosen/Chuck Shurley, Minor Gabriel/Kali, Minor Jody Mills/Donna Hanscum, Mentioned Sam Winchester/Jessica Moore, Mentioned Ellen Harvelle/Bobby Singer

Length: 116000

Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Minor Character Death (past and present), Past trauma largely left undealt with, Explicit Sexual Content

Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Miscommunication/ Lack of Communication, Alternate Universe- Historical Western (1890s), Unrequited Feelings… or are they, Canon Typical Older Siblings Taking Care of Younger Siblings, Dean and Cas are Painfully Oblivious, John Winchester’s A+ Parenting-but really all the parents kinda suck, Found Family/Chosen Family trope, Hurt/Comfort

Posting Date: November 2, 2020

Summary: He’s good at leaving. A few minutes of resolve and he’s gone, hoping his past stays in the past. While running, a moment of desperation leads him to take residence on the Novak’s farm. While his plan had been to stay no more than a week a series of unfortunate events leaves him with no choice but to stay. Castiel’s good at staying, never leaving home for long, never seeking new horizons. But his past haunts him ever still, he’s at odds with his mother, and a stranger - one keen on keeping to himself - all threaten this. For the first time in his life he’s met with a friend, one that gives him a name of his own -Dean- and with it maybe a chance at a different life. And Castiel discovers that it might be possible to have what he never thought he could. But when are things ever so easy (for either of them). An overheard conversation, doubt, an offer Dean finds he can’t pass on, and for both, the uncertainty that comes with unforetold feelings, work to conspire against them. The question becomes, can Dean learn to stay, and can Castiel learn to leave?

Excerpt: “You blame yourself, don’t you? For all of it,” He flinches as Cas whirls around to look at him. His expression shifts though once their eyes meet and Cas studies him for a moment. “Seems you do too. What? I don't know, but you think it's your fault,” Cas responds, his eyes have lost some of their hardness, and he fights again against the fury that starts to stoke from the embers that never seem to leave his chest. “Difference here is that it was my fault, my blame isn’t misplaced as yours is,” he responds, trying to keep the harshness from his voice. “How can you be so sure? About either of them, how can you know you’re guilty but I’m not?” Cas asks. “There are just some things in life that you know. I don't need, hell I don't deserve, to be absolved of anything. That was proven to me long before I stepped foot on this farm. It'll be proven to me long after I’ve left.” “And why do I?” Cas says barely above a whisper, scared of asking the question scared of hearing the answer, scared equally of not. “Currently you don’t because you have nothin’ to be absolved from but, some people just deserve salvation, and some are born into a life that can’t be saved,” He says easily, though it feels like lead is rushing up his throat with the words. He never wanted a life that was beyond saving, never understood why bad things happened to good people, until he stopped being a good person. Then the bad things made sense when they happened to him, but Sam, Sam never stopped being good and he was the reason bad things happened to a good person. There is no god that would forgive a transgression so great as endangering those you’re meant to protect. He’s not ever been one to believe in any of that, but he knows it regardless. Cas looks at him after minutes spent staring silently at the ground and asks, “What deems a life as unsaveable?” “Well living without a name sure as hell doesn't help, no one trusts a man without a name and that means that sometimes unsavoury actions must be made, nothing that your sensibilities needs to hear of mind you.” “You seem to think that my life on our farm has led me to know nothing of… repugnant activities.” Cas says warily. “You sayin’ that you get into trouble often, Cas? Engage in affairs that would leave your Ma clutching her pearls?” He’d gone for indifference but fell far short. “You know nothing of the sort of affairs I may partake in.” Cas replies challengingly. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that Cas,” He says holding Cas’ gaze, equally challengingly, “You may have done some unspeakable things, but I assure you that they couldn’t possibly hold a candle to certain actions of my own.” “Agree to disagree,” Cas responds. And the silence stretches.

DCBB 2020 Posting Schedule

[ma-gic-gay]

Leaving a former assassin turned mob boss alone with his thoughts and anger about his... Whatever him and Carly are, since that seems to change every ten minutes going through what she went through, is a stupid idea. Especially for two hours.

It's either that or confront the fact they've kissed and had sex in the same 24 hours.

Not exactly the most friendly things to do.

This is exactly what he's not supposed to be thinking about, yet it's what he's thinking about while he's sitting in a chair at the hospital.

Turns out that when he's not doing illegal things, he can actually have time to think and not freak out about the cops finding out what happened. Time to think about them and how he doubts they'll ever go back to normal. A one night stand is one thing, a kiss after you get kidnapped and raped is a completely other thing.

Go figure, the one person who he could willingly discuss this with is the same person who he can't right now.

Maybe talking about this with Sam would work?

Nope, scratch that. Even though she's moved on from their relationship, they're not that close of friends and really only hang out for their kids sake.

If this was a year ago, he'd say he should go to Sonny, since he can't go to Carly about it. But then again, if it was a year ago or if Sonny hadn't vanished, been presumed dead long enough for even Carly to believe it (which meant he, by extension, believed it finally as well), last night never would've happened. Not in a million-

Alright maybe it would've happened but he doubts it. After all, a year ago, he was with Sam and Carly was with Sonny.

Does this count as a betrayal, sleeping with her? Not like conceiving a child on his biological brother's grave with the woman who's the reason he's dead. Or knowing that your best friend is in love with someone but sleeping with her anyways out of horniness.

Maybe he's still a little bit mad about those things.

Or a lot bit mad.

Thinking of all the times Sonny's betrayed him is definitely not helping the fact that anger is just about the only emotion he's feeling right now. Notably, that comes with the exception of confused and that one's only because he's seriously confused about what the hell him and Carly are right now.

Just thinking about what she must be going through right now... It makes him so furious he could take someone out for even mentioning the word. Or something negative even in the slightest bit about her.

That last part might be a telltale sign he needs to do an evaluation of his feelings for her but after this. Probably should right now, but he doesn't want to.

Even the mention of what happened to her, which is spreading through the hospital like wildfire (whoever spread that information first is on his shit list and that is not a good place to be), makes his blood boil.

Cyrus did that to her, he decided to treat her like an object. Like she's some disposable thing, that after he had his fun with her she'll be killed to hurt his business competitor. And the fact that he'd managed to scare her, that he'd managed to do something so difficult he thought it would never happen again unless something happened to one of her kids or him. That part makes him want his head on a stick outside his front door.

And the only reason he did it is to hurt Jason, to make him feel hopeless and in despair and angry and hurt. The only reason she went through that is because of him. That's the worst part, for him, that he's responsible for her going through that, that it's his fault. Even though he knows that's not how it went down, that he's not responsible for Cyrus's actions or her kidnapping and rape, that's sure as hell what it feels like. It feels like everything's getting blurry, like the lines he had drawn in his life are bleeding into each other.

Keep her safe, that was always his number one rule. Even if it meant getting hurt himself (which it normally did), keeping her safe has always been his priority. It's why he tries, unsuccessfully, to shelter her from the mob.

When she needed him, really needed him, he couldn't do that for her. He wasn't there when she needed him the most, when she needed him to save her and get her out of that situation.

No matter how you frame it, what he's doing is beating himself up for something that he knows to be his fault. Maybe if he'd been there, sent someone else to deal with Florence and stayed at the house with her, he wouldn't be dealing with this right now. Maybe then, she wouldn't have been kidnapped and raped.

"Jason?" Britt asks him, noticing he's zoned out. "She's fine. Carly's not pregnant and we gave her a pill just in case to prevent against it. She doesn't have HIV or any other STD's, I ran a full test. As far as I can tell, her uterine health is great right now."

"Thanks, for the update," he thanks her, remembering where he is. "Can I, uh, can I go see her?"

"Yeah, the sedative wore off and she's been complaining and crying for a few minutes. She's in room 3115," she tells him, noting the relief and pain on his face. "You doing okay?"

"What matters right now is whether Carly's okay or not." Jason answers her quickly and his feet take him to the room she's in, somehow. He doesn't even know this hospital that well.

That's new.

"I woke up a few minutes ago and they told me they were looking for you, where were you?" Carly asks, aggravated.

"I was in the lobby," he tells her, wiping away her tears as they come. There's a look of relief on her face through everything, which doesn't surprise him in the slightest.

"Why didn't they let you in before the sedative wore off? I thought I'd been taken again, I was yelling for you," the blonde complains.

"Apparently I'm a hard guy to find."

"You have seven black shirts, seven pairs of blue jeans which you haven't replaced since the 90s, and a leather jacket. That's pretty much all you ever wear. I can't remember the last time you wore a suit. Or a shirt with any color in it at all. How hard could it be to find you?"

"You're just saying that because you always know where I am. It's a sixth sense of yours."

"True. Maybe it's time to spice up your wardrobe with some colorful shirts. We could start with blue and then ease into colors like yellow or white eventually," she suggests cheerfully.

"Carly," he warns. "I like my clothes."

"I know you do, but you need more variety in your life, Jason," Carly argues.

"You keep life interesting enough, trust me," he assures her. "I'm sorry for what happened to you tonight, you know that, right? It's my fault, if I'd gotten there sooner or I hadn't left you alone, this never would've happened."

"No, it's not. Cyrus would've gotten me another way, or he might've gone and snatched one of your kids. Danny, Scout, Jake, they don't deserve that. Neither did I, but if that happened to one of your kids? You wouldn't be able to live with yourself and he could've killed them easier. At least with me, I'm alive. Severely traumatized, but alive," Carly says, hugging him gently as to not hurt herself.

"Yeah but if I'd been there to protect you-"

"Then he would've gotten to you another way or waited until you went to sleep or went back to your dull apartment where the only piece of decor is a moss bowl. I'm a target, alright? We've known this for years, and what happened to me is not your fault. It's as much my fault as it is yours. No one deserves what he did to me, not even that dirt bag himself, and you cannot blame yourself."

"He did this to you as a way to hurt me!"

"And if Sonny were still around it would've been as a way to hurt Sonny. He hates me, alright? Cyrus hates me so much he wanted to hurt me, just as bad as he wanted to hurt you. It's not your fault that he's a monster." She attempts to help him see that it's not his fault, but he doesn't.

"The only reason you know about this business is me. Practically every bad thing you've gone through, Carly, is because of me by extension," he tells her, feeling a tear slip out of his eyes.

"You didn't force me to be a part of the business, Jason. Hell, it was your worst nightmare. I made that choice for myself, to marry Sonny and, when he died, helping you run his territory. I knew the risks and I did it for me, for you, for my family."

"For me?" Jason asks, confused. "How do I factor in?"

"How do you factor in? You're my family and you needed help. Of course I was going to help you! Even when you tried to talk me out of it," the blonde continues, smiling widely.

"That help could've come with Max or Milo or someone else."

"And there's a reason it came in the shape of me. You trust me more than them, even with this business," she smiles.

To be continued when school ends because FUCK IT'S BACK NO

@ryleighjosephine

[arwenadreamer]

Sam: Dean...

Dean: Sam, let's not.

Sam: No, listen. This is important. I know you don't trust me. Just, now I realize something. I don't trust me either. From the minute I saw that blood, only thought in my head...and I tell myself it's for the right reasons, my intentions are good, and it, it feels true, you know? But I think, underneath...I just miss the feeling. I know how messed up that sounds, which means I know how messed up I am. Thing is, the problem's not the demon blood, not really. I mean, I, what I did, I can't blame the blood or Ruby or...anything. The problem's me. How far I'll go. There's something in me that...scares the hell out of me, Dean. In the last couple of days, I caught another glimpse...

Dean: So what are you saying?

Sam: I'm in no shape to be hunting. I need to step back, 'cause I'm dangerous. Maybe it's best we just...go our separate ways.

Dean: Well, I think you're right.

Sam: *swallows* I was expecting a fight.

Dean: The truth is I spend more time worrying about you than about doing the job right. And I just, I can't afford that, you know? Not now.

Sam: I'm sorry, Dean.

Dean: I know you are, Sam... Hey, do you, uh, wanna take the Impala?

Sam: It's okay. ... Take care of yourself, Dean.

Dean: Yeah, you too, Sammy.

Favourite quote per episode

5.02 Good God, Y'all

Such a loaded conversation. Sam's absolutely shattered self worth. His self hate. That wars with his need for love and validation by Dean. Love and validation he thinks he doesn't deserve.

Deans own messed up feelings. His worry for Sam that doesn't allow for any other thought, mixed and mingled with his own guilt that he can't admit, not even to himself.

AND THEN DEAN OFFERING SAM TO TAKE THE IMPALA! 😭😭😭