#saur basically i have been stuck at home doing nothing but studying for the past. 3 years? idk
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#god ok . vent in tags#saur basically i have been stuck at home doing nothing but studying for the past. 3 years? idk#and now i am Finally starting irl in person school again albeit. Very Late into the school year#and my parents r like. obviously she will be distracted from your studies#bitch what fucking distraction. like. studying for 14 hours a day is not normal you Know that right. right. say sike rn#ugh fucking. im so angry. i want to live and make mistakes and be stuck in uncomfortable situations and then get to laugh about it later!!!#i dont want to spend hours and hours and hours with no one except my family and the internet for company#and this is so frustrating i want to live!!!!! i want to live i want to live i want to live#i want to live but i dont want to be alive. is this anything#alive is tedious. living is free. god i want to jump into a river#ofc i Can just do what i want to do but the specter of my parents disapproval will be hanging like the sword of damocles#mental illness moment <- she has realized she has only two states of being either manic energy or dissociative blankness#ergh the last 2 months have been filled with uncomfortable realizations about myself. what do you Mean constantly wishing you were dead is#not something that happens to other people#what do you Mean. wh#is living not incredibly hard for everyone. no??? its not supposed to be???? thats. huh#anyway. god im so tired#holding on to the faintest hope that it will get better. ive made a promise to stay alive till 21 at least#lets see if it really does get better. i hope it does
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