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redroseinsanity · 2 years

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Make your ex a bug (feed it to the beasts) - Daisuga

TW: Mentions of bugs and frozen rodents getting eaten, nothing gory but just in case!

Basically I found out you can do this for real, cackled then decided I had to do a drabble. Details below!

"You named a cockroach what?" Daichi asks flatly, his incredulity tamping down the urge to rub his temples where a tension headache is already forming.

"Zach!" Noya chirps, puffing his chest out with pride, "You know, your stinky ass ex who-"

"No, I know who Zach is," Daichi interrupts. He's been trying to forget the guy, not get a rehash, "What I want to know is why you paid ten bucks to name a cockroach after him?"

"Cause he's scum like roaches!" Tanaka jumps in, indignant anger on Daichi's behalf lining the frown on his face.

"Yeah and also cause you can watch Roach Zach get gobbled up by a ferocious animal like he justly deserves!" Noya announces and he's lost Daichi there.

"What."

Daichi darts a look at Ennoshita for support but his assistant manager just shrugs with a resigned expression as if to say that Daichi's on his own for this one.

"The zoo! They have this awesome valentine's day special and you get to pay to name a bug or rat or veggie after your ex and then watch it get eaten up by the animals!" Tanaka shoves his phone in Daichi's face and after three minutes, Daichi has to admit it's a pretty interesting concept.

"We got you a ticket and this is your timeslot so go watch Roach Zach get chomped on," Noya stuffs a flimsy paper ticket in Daichi's hand and Tanaka nods fervently over his shoulder.

Daichi casts one more helpless look at Ennoshita who, the traitor, just pats Daichi on the back as he heads to the door.

"No harm, right?" Ennoshita throws over his shoulder as he steps out into the night.

Apparently, no harm doesn't mean no emotional casualties considering that his team has just sent him to the zoo on Valentine's day. It's practically choking with saccharine couples who somehow all seem to have flowers and matching outfits.

Daichi considers turning around twice, once at the bear exhibit (he doesn't because he gets distracted by how cute the cubs are) and once more just before he reaches the meerkat enclosure.

It's right next to the reptile exhibit so he ducks into the darkened room and finds it more crowded than he would expect.

Trying to just huddle in the corner to regain his bearings he parks himself at the wall facing the snakes and adjacent to the lizards.

It's strangely fascinating to watch the lazy way they coil and uncoil, their little tongues occasionally popping out to taste the air.

Things get heated when booted feet appear and a package drops into the enclosure. The snake eagerly slithers over to inspect it before carefully swallowing it whole.

"Take that, Jacob, you ratass bitch," A gorgeous voice mutters next to Daichi and honestly, with the combination of that voice and the sentence it had uttered, could anyone blame him for turning to look?

Illuminated in the faintly greenish light from the exhibits is a man who seems too beautiful to be human. Except for the fact that he's in combat boots, ripped jeans and a very comfy looking sweater. And except for the fact that he's cussing out someone named Jacob with every rat that is fed to the reptiles.

"That's right, you don't even deserve to get chewed, just marinate in digestive juices until you die," Comes the voice again, filled with murderous rage and stunning for it.

"You piece of crap, you know why I didn't name a veggie after you even though the thought of you being munched to death by a tortoise was quite satisfying?" The beautiful stranger continues under his breath, his face charming with all its expressive movements, "Because vegetables are good for you and you weren't good for me at all!"

It's then that he catches sight of Daichi's gaze and it seems like he flushes a little bit under the dim light, Daichi can't tell.

"Sorry, I just um, need to get this out of my system," Beautiful stranger smiles and Daichi forgets they're in a couple-ridden zoo for a blinding second, "Or else I'll be feeding my real ex to the snakes instead of just rats."

"Oh, no, I understand," Daichi is quick to assure him, suddenly grateful for the little timing stub in his hand, "My ex is a cockroach."

There's a brief pause wherein Daichi panics about whatever he's just spewed, but the man's face positively glows as he lights up.

"Oh man, I wanted to get a cockroach naming slot cause I thought the meerkats were so cute! But they'd all sold out by the time I tried," He pouts a little but that's really all Daichi needs to hold out his ticket stub.

"You can come with me later, if you want, I mean, to see the meerkats eat my ex."

It's the weirdest sentence Daichi has ever said in his entire life but the stranger gives him such a look of child-like delight that Daichi doesn't dwell on it too long, overwhelmed by the sight of joy on this angelic face.

"Can I! Yes, please, lemme just finish watching Jacob get decimated by reptiles," He turns his attention back to where the bigger lizards are also getting fed.

"Yeah, that's it, mess him up!" He cheers as one of the frozen rodents gets flung around in a tussle for food.

"Wait, wasn't Jacob there?" Daichi gestures vaguely at the first tank.

That's when the edges of the stranger's smile turns into something devious. It should make Daichi want to run for it but all it does is make his knees go weak.

"I bought every rat for feeding time today so I could watch my rat bastard ex receive his just deserts," He explains.

Daichi has to admit that paying for twenty over frozen rodents just to name them after your ex is pretty dedicated. It's also cheaper than therapy.

"Anyway, the money goes towards saving more animals so it's all good," The stranger laughs and it's free from the hardness in his eyes that have been there from the start.

Daichi can't look away.

"Must be a pretty big rat ass to deserve this," He says as the stranger pinches Daichi’s sleeve and starts walking them out.

"He was beyond controlling, it was always 'Suga, wear this, eat this, do this' or 'Suga, why can't you see things from my perspective, everyone in your life sucks', I'm Suga, by the way," Suga flashes a grin back at Daichi as they weave their way through the crowd.

Daichi, still reeling from the thought of such a horrible ex and the effects of that brilliant smile, offers his own name in a clumsy and belated manner.

"Also, he took all the money in our joint account and ran for it," Suga's eyes are hazel in the sunlight when they step out of the reptile area, and they turn steely at this point.

Daichi is angry beyond words, over a stranger, but tha fact that he just met this man does nothing to ease the vehement emotion that rises up as Suga tells him about Jacob the Rat.

Suga glances over when they find a good spot at the meerkat enclosure and bumps his shoulder against Daichi in a familiar gesture.

"Aww don't need to get angry, I'm letting it all out today so that I can move on," Suga's smile has lost some of the strain and there's a calm attitude that seems to settle over him as he watches the meerkats scamper around.

“Besides,” Suga adds in a light tone with a quietly ferocious expression that Daichi is desperately hoping to see more of, “I got the money back and I didn’t even need to break any fingers to do it.”

Daichi nods slowly as the keeper strides into the meerkat enclosure.

His brain is going, Welp, seems dangerous, we should go and never speak to him again.

Every other part of him screams, ARE YOU KIDDING, I love it, we’re not going anywhere.

Contrary to what Noya and Tanaka were expecting, Roach Zach is not fed to any bloodthirsty animals but fuzzy meerkats that Daichi and Suga coo over as they munch on their bug treats. Either way, Daichi can’t really feel disappointed when the meerkats tear into his ex with such relish and he’s happy that such cute critters get a delicious snack.

“You should take a video and send it to…” Suga turns questioningly to Daichi.

“Zach,” Daichi supplies, but makes no move to take his phone out, “Nah, this is pretty gratifying in itself.”

Suga whips his phone out to film it instead, telling Daichi he can just keep it for days when he feels down and Daichi has to admit, it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

“What about you?” Daichi asks, when they exchange numbers and the video gets sent to him, “You didn’t take any videos of uh, Jacob getting demolished?”

“Oh,” A wicked grin curves Suga’s lips and Daichi is gone, “I picked the option to have it filmed professionally and sent to my email.”

“Also, it gets sent to Jacob’s email since I provided that too,” Suga adds with vindictive glee.

The expression fades a little when Suga sees Daichi’s somewhat dazed look.

“Sorry, too much?” Suga bites his lip, “I know I’m a bit intense but I-”

“Please date me,” Daichi blurts, flushing immediately when he registers what he’s just said while Suga’s grin returns full force.

“I mean, you don’t have to,” Daichi backpedals, remembering Suga’s controlling ex, “I would love to grab a meal or just-”

“Yes,” Suga interrupts.

Daichi is so out of his depth.

“What?”

“I said, yes,” Suga tugs Daichi towards the exit as the last bug is fed to the meerkats.

They’re surrounded by lovey dovey couples but it doesn’t feel as suffocating as it did before. All he can see is Suga’s radiant face with a hint of mischief, laughing as they leave the zoo.

“I hate Valentine’s day,” Suga confesses over their lunch, “So if anyone asks, we got together on the 15th, okay?”

Daichi doesn’t care about Valentine’s day or the calendar or anything else. Suga could have proposed a non-existent date and he would have agreed.

“Have dinner with me tomorrow? I’ll ask you again and you can say yes again” He asks, watching a smile light up Suga’s face. He doesn’t really know this man, but he’s dying to learn more.

That’s exactly what he’ll do.

It’s the first of many, they’ll learn, as Suga grins and says, ”Yes.”

I found out that this is a real thing that the SA zoo does and they offer this internationally so no matter where you are you can also get a video of your least liked person getting eaten by an animal.

The money goes towards the animals so it’s funny and for a good cause~

#daisuga #daisuga fluff #meetcute #haikyuu!!#sawamura daichi #sugawara koushi #haikyuu fic #daisuga fic #valentine's day #sazoo #redwrites

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