marylandspecialtygroup

[flowercrowngods]

hi 🤍 i’ve made a ko-fi page ☕️

there won’t be any posts, i think, but if anyone feels like they have a little something to spare and wanna give me a tip for breaking their heart or mending it, it is now live 🤍

[brianjameson]

October 31st

12:15am

It’s officially Halloween and my last night in the apartment.. I’m drinking my Midnight Blue tea and going to have white in a bit. I have Jar of Hearts radio on Pandora currently. All of these songs playing are really speaking to me and making me feel like Nick is still around. Currently Death Cab for Cutie-Someday you will be loved is playing and just really hits right in the feels.’

I changed all the addresses on my accounts again to my moms address.

I packed up a little more earlier today and knew it would be hard for me to pack and understand that this is all over. Tears kept flooding my eyes as I put more and more things away. I took a moment to sit down and cry it all out to be able to continue to do everything. I took some things to storage and figured I’d wait until later to finish everything.

I got home and showered. I sat in the shower and cried and realized it would be my last one here. I thought of all the times Nick and I showered together. The times we would be showering quick to go to a party or go somewhere fun. Whenever I park in my parking space I still look at the bathroom to see if the light is on. I know it won’t be on but I used to always look for the light to be on because almost every time I’d get home, he would be in the shower. Just a habit of mine still.

As the water kept running I just sat there staring at the handle in disbelief that now I have to face reality and this is all real now.. I know in my heart I don’t feel we have broken up but reality slaps you in the face and reminds you that indeed this is real and it’s happening whether I feel it or not and it just hurts a little bit more..

I finished showering and went to Sonic to get food. I was fucking starving and that’s where we went most of the time when we wanted to pig out. I figured it would be good to eat the meal we used to have and come home and watch Below Deck. Our most watched shows together were Below Deck, Live PD, Impractical Jokers and American Horror Story. We even saw impractical jokers live lol. Since Below Deck was on tonight I figured I’d finish watching it since I probably won’t be able to finish the series.

When you really break down this situation this is the way it looks and feels to me.

I dealt with death in the beginning..

I went to the memorial, I spoke all the words I had in my heart in his honor and mourned. I went the places he and I went to for more closure and will continue to do so.

Now I’m dealing with the breakup..

The move out, the packing of boxes of everything we shared and living somewhere else without him.

That’s why this is so hard, it’s losing someone to death and a breakup at the same time. It’s like getting heartbroken all over again one last time.

Everything still feels like it just happened yesterday and I still find myself crying wherever I drive or run into something that reminds me of him.. I just feel so tormented by emotions that it gets to be a little too much at times and really makes me question life and everything happening in general.

This situation really fucking sucks. This is the one time I do feel angry at Nick because packing everything is frustrating since we had so much shit and it hurts going through everything and getting emotional every 5 seconds.. We put this place together and built a home for ourselves just to tear it all down.

I’m experiencing so much emotion that I start to feel like I can’t deal.. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to move on and if I do how will it be? Will I have found how and will I be the same?.. I have so many questions with none answered. I still wonder why this happened to me and why he would do what he did… We were going to be fine, everything was looking up and things were about to be really good and now it’s all over and I have to learn to live without him and grow without him.

All we want is someone to love us, someone to show us love is real and to care for us but no one tells us or prepares us for the what ifs..

Thursday Nov 1st 11:30pm

Yesterday I had to move out of the apartment.

I barely ate anything because of how stressed I was about the move. I went to the storage unit first thing in the morning and dropped off whatever else I could do alone. I wanted the experience to be intimate. I didn’t realize I had so much shit until it became never ending. We really accumulated so much shit in a matter of 2 years. I was shocked how much stuff we had.

Thank God for my friend Tiara and her boyfriend and my brother to help with all the heavy shit. I’ve been really sick with allergies and just been weezing and coughing.

The move took a total of about 12 hours to do…. It was rough.

This move was extremely emotional for me. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I would of stayed there until I was ready to move but I just couldn’t afford it alone..

Once everything was pretty much in storage. My brother and I went back for one more trip to get the last of everything.

I walked through the empty apartment looking around at how empty it was and remembering when we first got our keys and went to look at the space before moving in.

I figured it was time to start closing the doors. Something in me was just signaling to close the doors, I felt like I’d get closer to closure if I do it.

I went to the bedroom and decided to start at the closet with the goodbye process. I stared at the closet and began to cry thinking of all those times we would be getting ready together and I would ask for his advice on what to wear or he’d ask me a million different times what belt with what shoes he should wear.. I closed the closet door and stood at the doorway of the bedroom staring at the room where we spent every night together sleeping. I looked at all the dents on the floor from where the bed was and just thought about how he would wake me up in the middle of the night from cuddling me. Even though he was a big guy, he loved to be cuddled. Nick was really really gentle and even though he was big and intimidating he was the biggest teddy bear and loved to be held.. I turned the light off and took the remote with me, it’s the one thing we really shared together and I wanted to keep that.

I walked to the den and thought of all those memories of how he would always be taking my picture for my Instagram and for the companies I would shoot for. I thought of how it looked like a garage when we first moved in because of how much shit was piled in it. I would get so mad at him for it! Lol. One of the last thins I remember asking him was why he made so much room in the den and he replied saying that it was because he knew I wanted to have a social media room and wanted me to have more space.. I closed the door and went to the kitchen.

I thought about all the times we cooked together or on Sundays when we would be hanging out at home doing nothing and I’d make us breakfast or if he knew I had a long week ‘he’ would make us breakfast. I thought of all those times I’d come home in a bad mood and no matter how upset I’d be he would always ask if I was hungry and if I wanted him to make me something to eat. I would always make a big chickpea veggie soup and it was one of the last things we cooked together and I remember so vividly that day because he didn’t want me touching the soup at all, I could tell he was trying to learn how to make it all on his own! I told him that night that the trick was in the spices and when it was finished it’s as if I had made it, he definitely got it down with the spices and didn’t over do it. I turned the light off and went to the living room

I sat on the floor in silence trying to contain myself and just thank him for everything and again started crying.. I finished the water bottles he left behind on his last day. I left those for last because I knew I’d need them for this last day. I mainly kept them because it was the closest to a last kiss that I was going to get and I guess I just wanted to save that for last..

The living room holds the most amount of memories since we spent so so much time there. All I thought of was how we would watch all our favorite shows together or how I’d cook dinner and we would sit and have dinner on the coffee table and watch our shows or a movie. I’d lay my arm next to him and he would scratch my arm or how I’d want to cuddle next to him and we would somehow someway find a way to both lay on the couch together. Normally when I’d lay next to him like that I’d fall right asleep because of how comfortable I was. We would discuss things going on in shows or movies while laying on the couch and just really spending quality time together.

I realized more and more as I saw the holes in the walls, how much Nick actually did for me.

There was a light fixture that he installed for me so I could do hair at home and when Christian took it down I saw how many holes were drilled and all the wiring Nick went through to hook it all up for me.. That’s true love…. He went through so much to help me so I could follow my dreams and be happy..

I started to talk to him out loud and just hoped he could hear me and hear how sad I am without him and how I just miss him a lot.

The last place to go to was the bathroom.. The 1 thing I grabbed last was his mirror and razors from the shower.. I know how much he used those and I just kept getting images of when I’d come home and find him showering and shaving.. He would always yell “HI BABE!” or I’d go in there if he didn’t hear me come into the house and I’d scare the shit out of him lol. I closed the door and was getting ready to leave.

I stood at the doorway staring down the hall that lead to the living room thinking of how many times I came home to hear him greet me. The times I would come home drunk from being out with him all night and how the first thing we would always do is throw our shoes off, take our pants off and lay on the couch. I thought of how much I was going to miss the apartment and how much I wish I didn’t have to leave.. Before I got too carried away with my tears, I kissed our place goodbye and left..

Closing these doors helped give me a sense of peace knowing that there is no door open anymore. Everything has been closed now and now I just have to move forward. I don’t have a choice but to move forward.

I thought I’d be really bent about having to move in with my mom because I’ve just been on my own for so long that it kind of sucks having to go back home. But to be honest, I’m really not that upset. I’m glad to be home and glad to have a loving family. There’s people who don’t even really have family so I really can’t complain. The holidays are around the corner and it’ll be good to spend it with my family. I know my mom wanted me home and always missed me so it’ll be good to be home and helping her out with whatever she needs. I know she feels so awful about this situation and I’ve never seen her so worried for me.. I can tell it’s hard on her because my mom has always known me to be the strongest person and the strongest one in the family but she knows if I cry over anything it’s because I truly am very hurt. It takes a lot for me to cry, it’s not that I don’t like to or want to it’s just that I tend to separate emotions and rationalize things before allowing myself to cry.

I’ll be with my mom for a few months and if I need to stay another year then I’ll stay another year but my goal is to really save as much as possible the next 3 months and try to buy property. After having to move and deal with all this shit and dealing with leaving somewhere I didn’t want to leave, I will never again feel like that. I want to buy my own home so I can do whatever the fuck I want to it and to never be told I have to leave or have rent raised on me. Obviously if I have to rent a condo or something then I will just to have my own space again but the goal at hand right now is to power save and work my ass off double time to make this happen.

I want to thank everyone who’s supported me through all of this and helped me with anything and to mainly stay above water. I love you guys and thank you so much. ♥

“Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here till the moment I’m gone..”

“I sing myself a quite lullaby, let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again..”

Closing the Last Door October 31st 12:15am It's officially Halloween and my last night in the apartment.. I'm drinking my Midnight Blue tea and going to have white in a bit.

[shay-has-moved]

Class 2-AD

I made this like four days ago and forgot to post it here, whoops... This was for a contest over at the My Hero Amino which ended yesterday, so we’re still waiting on the results. Anyway, here are the characters, this may be a super long post since there’s like 10 characters total, so buckle up buttercup.

Class 2 AD AD is short for 'advanced', the advanced classes are small as very few students volunteer to take the class. It focuses solely on becoming pros by yourself, which means they don't take part in the U.A. tournaments as they believe it's the easy way out to be noticed by pros. All in all, the advanced classes are serious business.

Full name: Shageki Taiho Hero Name: Firearms Age: 74 Date Of Birth: December 15th Gender: Male Personality: (+)Generous, (+)Idealistic, (+)Energetic, (-)Impatient, (-)Pompous Likes: Art, peace and quiet, reading Dislikes: Obnoxious kids, being wrong Marital Status: Married Sexuality: Straight Height: 120cm (On his feet) Scars/Markings: He has a few scars on his torso Quirk Canon arms His arms are two large cannons to which he can fire at will, however he must consume massive amounts of gunpowder if he plans on getting into a fight. The cannons are incredibly heavy making it difficult to walk, but can do quite a number from both long distance and close range. Quirk Advantages: -He can blast someone from up to 10 feet -The cannons can be used as weapons, since they're made of steel they most definetly can knock someone out -The blasts are powerful enough to knock even the heaviest of enemies tumbling back Quirk Disadvantages: -The cannons are extremely loud when fired and also make noise when walking with them, so sneaking is hard -His cannons are ridiculously heavy and make too much noise when dragged, so he walks with them -Requires an absurd amount of gunpowder to fire his canons Power                            5/5 Speed                            2/5 Technique                     4/5 Intelligence                   4/5 Cooperativeness          3/5 Trivia -He's mostly gone deaf due to his quirk -Constantly messes with Hoka since she's his only child without kids -Has Hoka as a helper because, well, he doesn't have arms

Full name: Hoka Taiho Hero Name: Madam Cannon Age: 32 Date Of Birth: September 28th Gender: Female Personality: (+)Enthusiastic, (+)Efficient, (+)Flexible, (-)Indecisive, (-)Forgetful, (-)Worrisome Likes: Animals, books, coffee, cleanliness Dislikes: Too much pressure, asking for help, messy areas Marital Status: Single Sexuality: ??? Height: 186cm Scars/Markings: Burn scar on her arm from an accident with her quirk Quirk Canons She has cannons for her right arm and left leg. She naturally produces her own gunpowder so running out of fire power is not a problem. However, shooting too much overheats her cannons and she’ll have to wait until she can fire again. Quirk Advantages: -She uses the blast of her cannons to boost herself in the air or quicken her speed sometimes -Doesn't have to worry about gunpowder like her dad Quirk Disadvantages: -Her cannons will overheat and can burn her pretty badly -It's hard to get around with her cannon leg and has to limp most the time Power                            5/5 Speed                            2/5 Technique                     3/5 Intelligence                   4/5 Cooperativeness          4/5 Trivia -She's unsure about marriage and kids despite her age -Treats the class like her own kids for the time being -She has to write everything down while Shageki teaches

Full name: Akai Ookami Hero Name: Fierce Fang Age: 18 Date Of Birth: May 2nd Gender: Male Personality: (+)Reliable, (+)Outgoing, (+)Patient, (+)Devoted, (-)Stubborn, (-)Possessive, (-)Naive Likes: Sleep, Dogs, outdoors Dislikes: Cats, cramped spaces, being in one place for too long Marital Status: Single Sexuality: Pan Height: 177cm Quirk Werewolf He's able to transform his body similar to that of a werewolf. It's quite troublesome however, once he's in the form it takes awhile before he turns back, so he gets some weird looks. He's also unable to speak in this form, go figure. Quirk Advantages: -His speed and strength are enchanced in this form, as well as his senses -He's able to see in the dark in his werewolf form Quirk Disadvantages: -Still isn't able to control how long he's in his werewolf form, it could end early or it could end far later, it's random -He stays the same height -He's unable to speak actual words, only growls and barks Power                            5/5 Speed                            4/5 Technique                     3/5 Intelligence                   3/5 Cooperativeness          5/5 Trivia -He's the student who's friends with everyone -Likes Isoro -His tail is usually always wagging since he's mostly happy all the time

Full name: Banpaia Isoro Hero Name: Blood Brute Age: 17 Date Of Birth: November 26th Gender: Male Personality:  (+)Tolerant, (+)Easy-going, (+)Considerate, (-)Blunt, (-)Easily discouraged, (-)Submissive Likes: Naps, solitude, history documentaries, cheese pizza, zombie movies Dislikes: Being bored, too much sunlight, winter Marital Status: Single Sexuality: Bisexual Height: 168cm Quirk Blood strength He's able to make himself stronger with the consumption of blood. The type of blood or species doesn't matter, however gulping too much can make him seriously ill and possibly cause him to vomit. Quirk Advantages: -His strength can last up to two hours if he drinks a fair enough amount of blood -Any blood will do the trick, it doesn't matter the type of blood he drinks, or even the species he got it from Quirk Disadvantages: -He can't gain strength from drinking his own blood -Too much will possibly make him vomit Power                            5/5 Speed                            4/5 Technique                     3/5 Intelligence                   3/5 Cooperativeness          4/5 Trivia -The most laid back student in the class -He's prepared for a zombie apocalypse -Was picked on at some point due to his quirk, he was called 'creepy', 'bloodsucker', 'brute', and 'vampire', which he actually used brute in his hero name

Full name: Kagami Hansha Hero Name: Reflecta Age: 18 Date Of Birth: January 2nd Gender: Female Personality: (-)Self-centered, (-)Greedy, (-)Insincere, (-)Power hungry, (+)Unfoolable, (+)Calm, (+)Articulate Likes: Being right, being the center of attention, compliments Dislikes: Other people stealing the spotlight, people who disagree Marital Status: Single Sexuality: Ace Height: January 2nd Quirk Reflection She's able to copy anyone's form and quirk as long as there's a mirror or anything that has a reflection. It's a time consuming quirk, she has to watch a person use their quirk in the reflection before she can mimic it in their form, and even then the transformation takes some time! Quirk Advantages: -Anything that has a reflection works, it doesn't have to strictly be a mirror -She can stay in that form for as long as she wants Quirk Disadvantages: -It takes about 30 seconds for her to transform into the person, add that to the time spent watching them also use their quirk -She can't turn back into them again at will once she's turned normal -Once she's hit by the person she turned into she turns back to her original self Power                            3/5 Speed                            3/5 Technique                     4/5 Intelligence                   5/5 Cooperativeness          1/5 Trivia -Class asshole -Really only cares about getting to the top and nothing else -Actually a sad child and wants to impress her parents by becoming a hero, so she takes it out on everyone else

Full name: Kuma Ringuko Hero Name: Halo Age: 18 Date Of Birth: February 10th Gender: Female Personality: (+)Independent, (+)Intelligent, (+)Productive, (-)Single-minded, (-)Stubborn, (-)Uncompromising Likes: Fun with friends, helping others, cats Dislikes: Boring situations, being lonely, Hansha Marital Status: Single Sexuality: Bisexual Height: 174cm Quirk Hoops Creates hoops made of plasma that she's able to shrink or enlarge at will. It's helpful during a capture, but if she's not careful she could slightly burn her hostage, or cut them in half! Quirk Advantages: -She can create two hoops with each finger, which is 20 in total -Can shrink and enlarge her hoops whenever she wants Quirk Disadvantages: -Once she uses up all 20 hoops she has to wait until they recharge -If she's not careful she can burn herself or others Power                            3/5 Speed                            2/5 Technique                     4/5 Intelligence                   3/5 Cooperativeness          3/5 Trivia -She's not shy or timid, but prefers to stay quiet in class -Hates that she sits by Hansha

Full name: Karura Hane Hero Name: Scarlet Feather Age: 17 Date Of Birth: October 1st Gender: Male (Transmale) Personality: (+)Cooperative, (+)Loyal, (+)Logical, (-)Repressed, (-)Indecisive Likes: The outdoors, high places, sightseeing, cosplaying Dislikes: Liars, confrontations, large crowds, sticky stuff on his wings and talons Marital Status: Single Sexuality: Pansexual Height: 165cm Scars/Markings: Scars on chest from surgery Quirk Harpy His quirk is pretty straightforward, he has the body of a harpy with large wings and a bird's legs, accompanied with large talons that are great for grabbing an enemy. Quirk Advantages: -His talons are pretty tough and don't break easily, even if they do break it doesn't take long for them to grow back -He can carry up to three people when he's in flight Quirk Disadvantages: -Due to his heavy wings he gets exhausted quickly -His wings cramp up from flying too long Power                            3/5 Speed                            5/5 Technique                     3/5 Intelligence                   4/5 Cooperativeness          4/5 Trivia -He feels like the only sane one there -He's the class rep -He secretly wears glasses -Will sometimes perch on people's shoulders -His wings are soft to the touch

Full name: Shimofuri Amai Hero Name: Cupcake Age: 17 Date Of Birth: August 25th Gender: Female Personality: (+)Kind, (+)Compassionate, (+)Hardworker, (-)Bashful, (-)Doubtful, (-)Curious Likes: Healthy foods, flowers, film noir Dislikes: Sweet/sugary foods, horror films, math Marital Status: Single Sexuality: Bisexual Height: 173cm Scars/Markings: Stretch marks on stomach and thighs Quirk Frosting hair Her quirk is focused around her hair as it is made of pure, sweet, frosting. It can be used for trapping others with its sticky consistency, but how sticky it is and how much she can create depends on her sugar levels, so she has to eat lots of sugary foods! Quirk Advantages: -Her hair grows back pretty quickly so long as she has enough sugar -It's almost impossible to go bald, she has to be on the verge of starvation before she runs out of frosting -The frosting is pretty sticky and is great for capture Quirk Disadvantages: -She isn't immune to her own frosting and can get stuck in it -It sticks to everything, especially clothes -Pretty hard to control Power                          3/5 Speed                          2/5 Technique                     4/5 Intelligence                   3/5 Cooperativeness         5/5 Trivia -Mom friend in the class -Her frosting actually tastes good, much like buttermilk frosting -She has to comb her hair every so often since it starts to harden if left untended for too long -Super insecure about her weight, so it's why she prefers to eat healty and doesn't like sugary snacks

Full name: Guujin Daruma Hero Name: Poppet Age: 18 Date Of Birth: July 2nd Gender: Male Personality: (+)Loyal, (+)Considerate, (+)Calm, (-)Irritable, (-)Aloof, (-)Moody Likes: Tea, quiet places, sewing Dislikes: obnoxious people, large crowds, strangers Marital Status: Single Sexuality: Straight Height: 178cm Scars/Markings: Stitches on his elbows and knees as well as his mouth Quirk Doll His entire body is made of soft material, giving him a rag doll like appearance. His limbs are detachable and are held together by stitches, which he uses to his advantage by wrapping them around his enemy. Quirk Advantages: -He’s able to make his body go completely limp and play dead to fool his enemy -When using his detachable limbs he can throw them and pull them back using his stitches, which are a good 20 feet in length -When his limbs are detached he can still move them, like make them crawl back towards him or grab on to someone -The blood flow in his arms stop when he detaches his limbs so he doesn’t bleed out everywhere Quirk Disadvantages: -If his stitches happen to break or are cut he has to sew his limb back on in order to throw it again -His detachability is limited to only his arms and legs -He can only detach two limbs at a time as it’s hard to control more than two -His quirk has made him unable to speak Power                          4/5 Speed                           3/5 Technique                    4/5 Intelligence                  4/5 Cooperativeness         3/5 Trivia -May or may not have a crush on Amai -The dad friend, but he doesn't know it -Only one with permission to touch Amai's hair -Uses sign language or just writes down what he wants to say -He's a foreigner -Was at one point involved in a gang and stole money since he comes from a poor family, however he stopped because his mother was heartbroken when she found out -Has a tattoo on his back as a reminder from his past days

Full name: Gomu Kappatsuna Hero Name: Bouncer Age: 17 Date Of Birth: August 1st Gender: Female Personality: (+)Cheerful, (+)Friendly, (+)Active, (-)Airy, (-)Childish, (-)Gullible Likes: Meeting new people, chatting, bouncing around Dislikes: Being scolded, quiet places, dull people Marital Status: Single Sexuality: Pansexual Height: 160cm Quirk Rubber When using her quirk, her skin becomes a rubber like substance and can make her bounce all over the place much like a bouncy ball. The only disadvantage is she has little control over where she bounces. Quirk Advantages: -She doesn't have a limit to how long her skin can stay rubber -She's able to bounce pretty high up if she tries hard enough Quirk Disadvantages: -Hard to control where she's going, so mostly bounces in one direction -It's possible for her to get nauseated from bouncing too much Power                           4/5 Speed                           3/5 Technique                    2/5 Intelligence                  2/5 Cooperativeness         5/5 Trivia -She's known to be super clumsy and has broken a desk before -Gets picked on the most during class as she can't seem to pay attention

Classroom Layout There are two extra desks because one student was a delinquent and the other switched out of the class. The door reaches from the floor to the ceiling with the letters 'AD' on it, along with a window through the middle of the D.

Oh hey you actually read it unless you skipped it and ended up here, thanks friend~

[tehnakki]

I keep experiencing Schroedinger's dad.  The quantum state of never knowing if my dad is alive or dead until an observation is made.

I went to Egypt for the Xmas holiday. It was a last minute trip that ended up being incredible. But I chose to go there rather than home because I knew I'd be home soon enough because my dad was dying. Is dying. Has been dying since he was diagnosed with cancer in September, and since he first got sick in June.

My mother has a hard time getting to the point when she needs to break bad news to me. She always gives me a play by play of every moment leading up to the moment she realised what was happening before she says the news. So every phone call, I'm stuck judging from the sound of her voice, the quaver of her breaths if this is the 10min summary that will end with "and he died."

I finally told a co-worker my dad had cancer in late September, 3 weeks after my mom called to tell me dad had returned from a short trip to California to see his relatives.  He hadn’t been keeping any food down, his skin was yellow and his eyes were jaundiced. His sister’s daughter had stolen his credit card and used it to buy a flight (he didn’t know this, mom found out when she got a purchase notification), and my brother’s bracelet had also disappeared from his bag (assumed to be the same lighthanded niece). Oh and they were seeing an oncologist on Monday because he has cancer.

I held it together at work until the information in mom’s nightly phone calls about doctors and surgeries and appointments repeated in excruciating but confused details got to be too much.  I’d spent most of those two weeks crying in the bathroom and taking 3 times as long to get any work done, so I finally told my co-worker. He was shocked and a little upset he hadn't noticed how upset I’d been. Within an hour I had permission to head home for as much time as I needed (I selected 1 month… because I had Harry Potter tickets in London and wanted to be back at the end of October for that.)

I spent 30 days at home from September to October.  Dad was mostly lucid but mom was incredible stressed out. Within a week I was in control of their estate planning and by the end of week two I had trusts in place, living wills, powers of attorney, medical bills taken care of.  And dad was confused but happy. We snuck out of the house for trips to Alberstons and Sam’s club to buy more ice cream (the only thing he was eating), and he pulled one of his gags were he kept directing me to drive in circles until I figured out he was fucking with me.  He couldn’t sit through Star Wars anymore without falling asleep, but we got mostly through Force Awakens. But he was still my dad, just a little more closed mouthed, and unable to articulate why he so desperately wanted a surgery that had only 25% success rate. Mom was adamantly against the surgery, but dad wanted it and all his doctors were pushing for it so it was scheduled for November 1st, 4 days after I’d leave for the UK.

I was on a train platform in London when I talked to mom next after flying back to Glasgow.  It was a rambly WhatsApp message. She told me about how annoying the pre-surgery procedures were at the hospital. The liquid dad had to drink, the nurses who kept failing to coordinate between the hospital and his doctor. And finally that the procedure had failed. That the cancer had already spread from his bile duct to his liver and couldn’t be operated on. That his gall bladder had been full of cancer and was removed. He’d be at the hospital for a week, and then a rehab facility for two weeks and then back home.

Over the course of November mom and I talked a lot about the “next steps”. His doctors were pushing for a radiation/chemo therapy to shrink the tumors. Mom and I (and slowly my brother Josh) were against, we saw no point in dragging this out. And dad… Dad’s dementia had gone from mild confusion in June to beyond awful in November.  He ended up getting kicked out of the rehab facility he was in because he kept wandering the halls at night “stealing” from rooms and leaving the stuff he found in different places. He’d find a place to sit on the wrong floor and ask every person going by how to get home. They couldn’t handle him so they sent him to emergency care at a different hospital and didn’t tell my mom til she showed up to the rehab to see him the next morning.

And in early December as I was walking home from grocery shopping mom put me on the phone with dad and he didn’t know who I was. He thought I was one of his sisters, and from California. I sat down on the street in glasgow and started sobbing. Mom took the phone back and when she realised how upset I was she talked to him for a few moments and when he got back on the phone it was him again “I’m so sorry sweetie. I’m so sorry. I could never forget you. I love you. How can I make this up to you. I’d do anything to make this up to you.”

When dad and I hang up the phone on each other we always say: “I love you” “I love you more” “I love you mostest!”

He didn’t say that this time.

Two weeks later I was in Giza, riding a camel, seeing the pyramids and temples that we’d planned to see together since I was a little girl.  And on the first day of the trip one of my fellow tourists had to cut his trip earlier. His father had died. He had to go home.

We were arriving at the Valley of the Kings when I found out Carrie Fisher died.  That was hard to take.

Mom and I had an agreement, if dad died she wouldn't tell me till I called from Amsterdam on my way back. No matter what, he wouldn’t die (for me) while I was on my trip.  I had a short connection so I rushed to the gate before calling, in case I forgot to keep walking while she talked. She started by asking about my trip, talking about the couple of pictures I posted, the camels that I rode. Boarding process had stared at the gate before we got to the update on dad: he was sicker, wasn’t keeping much down, the dementia was much worse. He wasn’t remembering where the bathroom was, and he kept peeing against the wall of his room.  “But he’s ok, we watched Gunsmoke all yesterday.”

I had a weeks reprieve, to catch up on work and only quick calls from mom, about how dad was doing.  On Friday when I was leaving work at 2000 she called to tell me another nauseating story of failed bodily functions only to finish with that she had to call hospice care earlier that day and they were coming to evaluate him in the morning.

Saturday was a rambling WhatsApp message about hospice bringing a bed over and a day nurse being assigned, but nothing about my dad's status.

Sunday I didn't call. I was too stressed about balancing my workload for the next quarter with an impeding sense of doom that my planned trip home February 8th was too late.

Monday morning I told my team captain that I felt awful doing this to the team, but I was going to probably need to fly out on the next week or so and try to work from home (a continent away) earlier than planned (cutting my quarters work weeks from 8 to closer to 5). He was incredibly understanding but I still felt awful I was bailing on the team. I ended up forgetting my phone at my desk for a large part of the day, and I was prepping a satellite for a morning test, so it wasn't until 2130 I even picked up my phone and there was a phonecall from mom 2 hours earlier.

Schroedinger's dad.

I locked up the office and started walking home. I called her.

This time the recount started from Friday. Her calling their GP, getting the hospice called. The confusion with orders being sent to the wrong place, her having to call the GPs wife back because the hospice didn’t have his records. The nurse (who was very sweet) who evaluated him, the young men who showed up an hour later and with no complaint hauled all the junk out of his office first before putting in the bed and equipment.  The lovely young woman who came by every morning to deliver the days supply of morphine.  The nurse who came to help him get out of bed this morning and held his hands as she looked to mom and said “He’s in a coma. He can hear us. But he’s in a coma now.”

I told her I’d be flying back tomorrow and I got off the phone to buy a plane ticket, and figured out how to get to the airport in Edinburgh, because it had a flight that would arrive 4 hours before the soonest Glasgow flight. I told my roommate as I was heading back to the office to print tickets and grab chargers.  She asked why I wasn’t crying, “I have too much to get done to cry right now.”

I got back home and started packing and called mom back.  She said, she told dad he has to hang on for another day since I’d be coming home. And that she’ll hold the phone to his ear so I could talk to him.

The woosh of an oxygen mask or a ventilator came on and I burst out laughing “Daddy! You sound like Darth Vader. Don’t go out like Anakin did. That was not a good way to go.  I love you. I’ll be home tomorrow.” The woosh of his breathing in my ear for few seconds, and then my mom took the phone back.

I didn’t sleep that night. I packed for a bit, and then watched Netflix for four hours, and then finished packing just in time to call an uber to head to the train station. I got to the airport two hours early, and finished watching netflix while drinking a coffee. The first flight was really great, I had a row to myself so I lay down, put some music on, and slept for almost the full 7 hours. Getting up to request a meal a bit late and colour in my ODY-C colouring book. The flight attendant loved the book and sat down to page through it while I ate. I left him a note with the book name and isbn when we disembarked in NYC.

I had forgotten to bring my US sim card with me, so I sat at the gate and texted mom: “I grabbed the wrong wallet last night so don’t have my at&t simcard. I’m in JFK, flight leaves in an hour. Lands at 7:50pm terminal 1 and I have a checked bag”

Mom: “Ok will see you soon Love you”

Schroedinger’s dad.

The second flight was awful. I was next to a toddler throwing a tantrum and a mother who was to done to stop him.  I watched my favourite scenes of all 7 star wars movies while blasting Hamilton as loud as my headphones could make it.

At LAS I used the airport wifi to call mom, she was parked in the short term parking.

We never park.  In the 15+ years we’ve been flying into LAS, we always do a driveby pickup.

I grab my bag and walk out there, my brother meets me at the walkway and hugs my tight. He never comes to pick me up at the airport. It’s always just mom or dad.

Mom’s waiting in the car and she gives me a hug, but she isn’t crying. We stop at In-N-Out. Because we always stop at In-N-Out.

Stepping into the house is like every single time I’ve come home. Other than the pile of office supplies sitting in the living room that normally is in dad’s office. I walk far enough into the house that when I turn my head I can see into the office with my peripheral vision. His office is empty.

My father David Johnson: pilot, engineer, the best dad a nerdy, awkward brown girl could have asked for died early Tuesday morning while I was over the Atlantic.

Schoredinger’s dad.  The box is open. His state has been observed.