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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years

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tube thoughts vol. 6

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Joe Bob's SummerSchool edition of Monstervision with special guests a blonde Bride of Frankenstein and a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon plus the feature movie "The Surgeon" *The striking black and white intro flashback throws light on what this flick really is. It's a tribute to those 30s/40s/50s mad doctor horror shows, with quirky 1990s sensibilities laced throughout.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible: Summer Fun --------------

*Psalty: Dramatic kids hang out with a blue, scripture talking song book.* 2 stars

*Bike Safety Rap: Don't skin your knees or risk your life.* 1 star

*Central Florida Hell: Dump elderly dad down where Chi Chi Rodriguez dwells.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Boat Trip: Goober Pudding Jr. is not a COCKSUCKER! Horatio Sanz... who knows?* 2 stars

*3 Minute Heavy Metal Summer: Shock rockers, with a heart of gold, versus yuppy prejudice and slimeball business types at a camp/resort.* 3 stars

*Acting with Tom Hanks: Swimsuit models wanna make their silly dreams come true.* 2 stars

*Conceal and Carry: Speed, women, fanny pack!* 3 stars

*Kidz Conquer Mexico: Another culture exploited by brats.* 2 1/2 stars

*Message in a Cell Phone: Crack the code and get Chad's dad out of prison.* 3 stars

*Birthdays Faith First: Father Tim loves his birthday and Uncle Sam.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Beach Fever: Kato Kaelin and Jacki Chan enjoy the fruits of rabor.* 2 1/2 stars

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I'm Alan Partridge: I Know What Alan Did Last Summer *Dodging the tax man.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Day After" --1983-- *"World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones."* 3 stars

The Twilight Zone: The Midnight Sun *Fever dream.* 3 stars

Heart She Holler: Klansgender Rights *We're all the same underneath a clean, white sheet.* 2 stars

Squidbillies: Granny Hot Foot *Happier than a pig, in shit, who just won the Daytona 500.* 2 1/2 stars

Adult Swim --infomercials-- In Search of the Miracle Man *Interviewing people on the street about their love for a yet to be seen super guru and asking them how often they masturbate, plus keeping a close watch on a sunbathing beauty, in case the guru shows up there. Add in a sing along, act unfunny along, self aware studio audience for even less laughs. A guy from Mighty Boosh and Snuff Box (Rich Fulcher) and a guy from Upright Citizens Brigade and Crossballs (Matt Besser), along with another recognizable face from the Sarah Silverman Show, can all do better and funnier in 12 minutes. Drunk History for example.* 1 star

Freddy's Nightmares: Rebel Without A Car -----

*A mullet-motor-head thinks a cursed muscle-car is his ticket out of Springwood, but maybe he should have taken his girl's advice and sought a smarter path.* 2 1/2 stars

*A girl, from the wrong side of the tracks, gets accepted to be a Cinderella slave for snobbish sorrority sisters, during hellish hazing, where they hope to put her on the road.Instead, she turns Carrie, on the cunts, and burns the house to the ground.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------

Swamp Thing: Falco *"Nature is a maniac!" That's pretty existential for a falcon unwillingly turned half human by the arrogant Arcane. Overly dramatic and unintentionally funny.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Treasure of the Temple *Masterfully animated Mayan adventure.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Night Strangler *Gritty Civil War era alchemy, and a Victorian Era style Jack the Ripper killer, in the dark alleys and underground of a Pacific Northwest seaport town.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond --Halloween special-- -2014- =====================

*The Victim's Family - Have A Nice Day (music video): Skeletal puppets kick your face in and tell you to enjoy your shitty job and life.* close to 3 stars

*Fulfilled, A Halloween Story: A modern Lovecraftian tragic figure refuses to join in on the pop culture / commercial celebrations of Halloween and instead chooses to spend All Hallow's Eve, and possibly eternity, in the Twilight Zone.* close to 3 stars

*Trailer for Dario Argento's "Creepers": 3 stars

*Vintage WXXA cHANNEL 23 - Halloween movie marathon commercial for their movie lineup including 'An American Werewolf in London', 'House', 'Videodrome', 'Psycho 3': 3 stars

*"Horror of the Zombies" 1973: A millionaire, a money hungry mercenary type, and an agency of modeling get involved in a publicity stunt that would leave some models stranded in a boat on the sea. However, they all wind up in some interdimensional fog and end up boarding a ghost-ship where the blind monks of Mestophilles roam.* 2 stars

*Monster Rally Movie: Advertisement for an old horror host Channel 4 show.* 3 stars

*Pumpkin Madness 2: Ordinary pumpkins let loose destructive behavior.* 2 1/2 stars

*Animation in the style of Superjail or the video for Paranoid Android by Mariola Brillowska.* 3 stars

*Phantasm's 'The Tall Man' promotes Fangoria magazine.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fleishcher Studios- Superman - The Mummy Strikes.* 3 stars

*A Republic Pictures serial - The Crimson Ghost - Atomic Peril: A criminal mastermimd is so determined to get his hands on a device that will bring the world's electrical will to its knees, that he's willing to prevent its use in bringing the Cold War to a close.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fight the monster of pay and or cable tv in an awesome retro anti-cable tv advertisement shown to a paying movie theater audience.* 3 stars

======================================================

Star Wars Rebels: Rise of the Old Masters *A Sith inquisitor lures roam Jedi to their doom, using the bones of a Jedi Master.the Empire is putting out false distress signals saying that the master is alive and in need of a prison escape rescue.* 3 stars

TMNT: The Croaking *After watching Thundarr the Barbarian, Mikey spazzes out and destroys the farmhouse. When scolded, flees to the forest where he encounters Napoleon Bonafrog (voiced by Napoleon Dynamite) who happens to be the outcast of his own tree-frog human-hating society.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible --Halloween Bonus-- --2012-- =========================

*Cosby Nightmarez: Bill takes a break from drugging women to have his own bad dream.* 3 stars

*Tim Curry Halloween Song: A crooning wizard makes the witches howl.* 3 stars

*Vincent Price: An elderly icon shills 3D film cameras.* 2 stars

*3 Minute Grandpa is a Vampire: Grandpa Munster hangs out with his radical 90s grandson and his grandson's friend while grandma tries to cheat on him and put a stake thru his old heart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Boogie Bonez: "Knick Knack Paddywhack"* 3 stars

*Death Spa: Don't let an exorcist hacker control your electronic gym, if you're a cheating ex and give memberships to jerk yuppies.* 3 stars

*Halloween Propaganda: "Every Halloween, children are dying."* 3 stars

*Lovely Little Monster: Anne Rice chick hip hop. Dance routine sign language. Rick James voodoo zombie. Bathsalt freakout Twilight romance.* 3 stars

*Pops Ghostly: A Casper family man vents on his family's hellcat home invasion frustration.* 2 1/2 stars

*Punkinman: The Bob Villa (this old house) / Bob Ross (happy clouds painter) of stickin' it in a pumpkin and getting the best out.* 2 1/2 stars

*Zombie Workout: Spunky Linnea Quigley criticizes the falling apart shape of the undead and has them working out their rotten flesh.* close to 3 stars

*3 Minute Ghosthouse: A Back to the Future Michael J. Fox wannabe look-a-like goes up against some zany frighteners.* 3 stars

======================================================================

Z Nation: Doctor of the Dead *Not much soap opera for a zombie series finale, mostly just zombie stuff. A shadowy scientist running around globally, pre zombie outbreak, conducting gruesome, and unknown for purposes, field experiments. Creepy CDC style medical lab, in Colorado, filled with zombie testing gone wrong. Tiny Asian chick is dying but comes back as a kung fu z with Alice from Resident Evil maneuvers (not a big fan of that). Cameo from the doomed lovers to show they'll be back next season (Oh, great... yawn). And a big finish cliffhanger with Murphy "shedding his skin" (could be creepy and great) and running off leaving everyone else, including Citizen Z at the North Pole, to stare dumbly at their impending demise which is nuclear missiles dropping in to say hi.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 14 "My Guests Are Mannequins" ---------------

*Antonio, Tone Loc's cousin, volunteers to help park rangers clean the roadkill off of a bridge that a Chupacabra lives under.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*A 'You Betcha' cocktail waitress serves cheeze and ritz crackers to a honky's stuffy mannequin party guests and is scared to refuse his offer to "Party Forever" with him.* 3 stars

*A crematorium trainee turns white as a ghost, and he was black to begin with, when he flips the flame switch and a woman's husband pops out still alive just crispy.* 3 stars

==============================================================

X Files: Conduit *Alien abductee or possible runaway of ill-refute and her baby brother who can read into the matrix.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi presents American Gothic: Pilot Episode *What if Sheriff Andy Taylor were a controlling psycho who'd go as far as framing his own deputy, Barney, for murder, and what if Opie had a William Faulkner and Ambrose Bierce childhood...?* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Wraith" (Summer School Session - Driver's Education with the author of the NYC cab driver joke book) *It was inevitable that the spirit of the American Highway would be symbolized by a fiery car crash.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Caught in the Act *A college virgin, Alyssa Milano, gives the worst case of blue balls, until an alien parasite turns her into a raging nympho succubus.* 2 stars slipping towards 1 1/2 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 11 *A nice, retired, Queens NY lady needed the Penn State crew and a noted medium, in demons, to tell her to stop trying to contact the dead through the use of evp.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: The Burglary *The couple get a little too greedy, themselves, after their old stuff gets stolen and they have to replace it with all new stuff.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: A, B, and C *Number 6 continues to be defiant, even in his dreams. Dreams that The Village is now determined to surveillance.* 3 stars

Mike Tyson Mysteries: Is Magic Real? *Mike is the only non skeptic concerning Mexican leprechauns.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Dong of the Dead *Two words... butt auditions.* 3 stars

Ken Russell's "Crimes of Passion" *It's sleazy Charles Bukowski meets Russ Meyer. Kathleen Turner is a Gloria Steinem behind a glory hole. Anthony Perkins is like a Jerry Falwell who jerks off to crime scene photos of the Black Dahlia. And John Laughlin is Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor who can't get his jackhammer plugged into a hot electrical outlet.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Can World War 3 Be An Attitude? *"You're okay. I'm okay. We're okay. Okay?"* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Security Systems *A way ahead of its time investigative look at security organizations (*cough* the N.S.A. *cough*) and how complete access to so much information, personal and otherwise, can only lead to that kind of knowledge being abusively used.* 3 stars

South Park: Cock Magic *Magic the Gathering greater than girls volleyball.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Bloodbath" *From the head to the legs. From the body to the mind.* 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Time Machine" 1960 *Joe Bob and Rusty the mail girl demonstrate worm hole theory using a dirty bedsheet and a bowling ball. Meanwhile, Rod Taylor zips from turn of the 20th century England to thousands of years in the future where angelic, naive youth live in a garden of eden paradise as cattle for cavern dwelling commie cannibals.* 3 stars

Farscape: Til the Blood Runs Clear *Being the 'big dog' with a pair of Beavis & Butthead moron bloodhound bounty hunters, and getting ripped off at a spacecraft repair shop ran by a Roseanne type.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Wizard Wars *The cybernetic oversized head of a warlock Fred Flinstone uses hypnotized sandpeople as slaves to lay siege on another magician's desert stronghold.* 3 stars

Tosh.0 -Who Shot Black Santa? -2014 *The greatest Christmas present is hot cocoa served with love.* 2 1/2 stars

SyFy presents "End of the World" 2014 *Generic doomsday movie junkies, who work at a videostore, must break a scientist (Brad Dourif) out of the nuthouse so that he can help them save the world from being destroyed by a heliosphere.* 1 1/2 stars for aesthetics and special fx 2 stars for plot and characters and 2 1/2 stars for oddly humorous moments like hicks with guns getting in the way of nerds that are mankind's only hope, and randomly timed deaths

Tru Tv presents: World's Smartest Inventions 11 *Using robots for end of life care. No shame in hanging from a tree, on a hiking trail, and pooping, or standing on a sidewalk and pissing out the bottom of pant legs using a tube. Or having a doctor recommend to "ice the balls" in order to conceive, so a guy runs out and invents chilled underwear.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Christmas Bonus-- 2012 --------------------------

*Snowdogs vs. Chillydogs: They're basically the same movie, give or take a few minor differences.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hanukkah Homeboy: "Don't noodge me."* 2 1/2 stars

*Celebrity Guide to X-Mas: Ed Begley Jr. can't relax his environmental beliefs in order to not ruin Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Dr. Christmas: Artificial tree tips for a superficial Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gerbert Christmas Wish: A muppet's melancholy holiday.* 2 1/2 stars

*Holiday Showtime: Branson, Missouri is holiday purgatory.* 3 stars

*Jingle Cats: Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.* 3 stars

*Lawrence Welk Holiday Song: From now on our troubles will be miles awayayayaya.* 2 stars

*Natural Professional Tree: Step back and check for a natural appearance.* 2 stars

*Visit with Santa: Santa Q & A with dumb kids.* 3 stars

*Brent the Christmas Bear: Marvin Gaye gaiety.* 3 stars

*Glitter n Gold: A plea for puppet peace and relationship harmony.* 3 stars

*Kathy Lee Hip Hop: Horrid.* 1 star

*2 Minute Parental Guidance: Deck the halls and shake dat ass.* 3 stars

*Reggae Deck the Halls: Farmyard follalollalah.* 2 1/2 stars

*Santa with Muscles: Scrooge Ed Begley Jr. wants to close down the orphanage and exploit the kids as elf miners, but not if amnesiac, department store Santa Hulk Hogan has anything to say about it.* 2 1/2 stars

*X-Mas Nightmare 2012: Santa can't be asked to do the impossible, like alleviating the cynicism that comes with adulthood.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fuck Christmas: A humble shoemaker has had it up to here with the holidays, in this heartwarming tale.* 3 stars

*Chipper's X-Mas Adventure: A chipmunk goes crazy when his treehome is chopped down by joyous honkys.* 3 stars

*E.T. Porno: Smell E.T.'s finger.* 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Freddy's Nightmares: The Bride Wore Red *A groom's cold feet get raked over hot coals. Also, rappin' Freddy.* 2 stars *For the bride with daddy issues, divorce is a fate worse than death.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Thing from the Grave *A lesson about not getting in between a no-nonsense, jealous boyfriend with a short-fuse (Miguel Ferrer) and his prized piece of cooze (Teri Garr). That is unless one has a charm necklace that can bring a vengeful corpse back from its shallow grave.* 3 stars

"Mirror Mirror" -1991- *A shy ugly duckling begins to flower when she embraces her dark reflection.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "I Am Anne Frank" *Auschwitz. Axe murder. Aversion therapy. Amputee monstrosity. Acceptance of guilt. Absentee motherhood. Alcoholic relapse. Alien abduction. Alma's alive!* 3 stars

Lars Von Trier's "Melancholia" *3 stars for gorgeously moody photography and score. 2 1/2 stars for symbolism (melancholia is here to stay). 2 stars for rogue planet collision apocalypse scenario. 1 1/2 stars for insufferable characters (mopey rich women). 1 star for pretentiousness 1/2 a star for snail pacing (2 hours felt like 5 hours). zero stars for jerky handheld camerwork

Gargoyles: Enter MacBeth *Another MacBeth who likes to do things on his own turf, and yet again all because of a lady.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 5 *"The birds have scales and the fish take wing."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 12 *A psychic can't get her stories straight when it comes to a former schoolhouse's spirits. Credit to the Penn State crew for seeing through her b.s.* 2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voyage Home *On the first manned mission to mars, a space bug is snagged, and one giant step for mankind turns into a suicidal leap.* 2 1/2 stars

Scare Tactics: The Chef Cooks a Human --------------

*Safe installation turns out to be a safe cracking burglary.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rear Window scenario where peeping at a neighbor who is an escort loses its thrill when she stabs an abusive client and informs her big heavy pimp that there are witnesses to the crime.* 2 1/2 stars

*Finding a ring in the hamburger meat and a bloody, armless dude in the freezer.* 3 stars

*Parents meet their teenage son's new girlfriend and find out she's already pregnant, but only it's from an alien, not the teenage son.* 2 1/2 stars

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Russell Mulcahy's "The Shadow" -1994- *Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Alec Baldwin knows.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: From Beyond the Grave *"See the ship, hear it speak from deep down in the hold." Lyrics from a song sang by Jim's dead grandma. Words directing Jim, and his mom, to granny's last will and testament, hidden, in the swamp, so that Arcane can't take possession of her property and pollute and further exploit it.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: -season 1 -episode 4 *Dream perchance debenture.* 2 1/2 stars

"Slipstream" *A loveable scoundrel (Bill Paxton) steals away a messiah-like android, from a hardline bountyhunter (Mark Hammil), on a journey across a windswept wasteland in a post-cataclysm story filled with hot air balloons, small airplanes, and eccentric nomads.* 2 1/2 stars

Christmas with Rifftrax: Santa's Village of Madness / K. Gordan Murray shorts *Never has the mythology of Saint Nick been more mucked with.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Jonny Quest: Werewolf of the Timberland *Gold smuggling lumberjacks in the French Canadian forest.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Shopping *"Cheese of the week." The convenient inconvenience of supermarkets.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Alan Wide Shut *"Hot floppy bread." Needless to say, Alan had the last laugh. Now, fuck off!.* 3 stars

True Life: I Want Respect For My Sect *A Juggalo bride's parents opt out of their daughter's Juggalo themed wedding. Pretentious vampires, in the pretentious Texas city of Austin, have a coming out party in order to gain new members and understanding. A cute 18 year old "furry" seems genuinely happy to have her parents acceptance at being able to attend her first convention.* 2 stars

Ghost Adventures: Dungeons & Demons *"Something just grabbed my ass!" The three bros travel to some of the world's most tainted holes.* 2 stars

Adventure Time: Holly Jolly Secrets *Deciphering the Ice King's weirdo home movies becomes a holiday tradition.* 2 stars

Farscape: Rhapsody in Blue *Madness is the mind's co-pilot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: The Jersey Devil *Naked Neanderthals on the outskirts of Atlantic City.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond: Kneel Before the Future ----------------------

*D.O.A. - Behind the Smile: Things are looking bright for election 2016.* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo trips and falls heading out to the wasteland.* 2 stars

*Ninja Force, the Mission: Bacon jitsu vs. cheese.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Silverball Heroes versus Video Invaders in Arcade Attack* 3 stars

*Lobo in the wasteland sponsored by...* 2 1/2 stars

*A vintage trailer for Terminal City Ricochet.* 3 stars

*-984- Prisoner of the Future: Detained to desolation.* 3 stars

*Lobo thirsts and pines in the wasteland.* 3 stars

*Intimate Secrets - Secrets that have to be told - 1 900 - adults only - $2.00 per minute* 3 stars

*iBraineater - Modern Man (music video)* 3 stars

*JacMac & RadBoy GO!: Wow, did Mike Judge rip this off?* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo finds ThunderDome covered in feces.* 3 stars

*Robotistory: A video history of robots in pop culture entertainment.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo wants to go back home to his bunker.* 2 stars

*Max Fleischer's Superman - The Mechanical Monsters* 3 stars

*Vintage 1990 Live Psychic Readings commercial that's in the style of the X-Files intro. Eerie nostalgia.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost - Chapter 2 - Thunderbolt: Death ray escape debacle.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tex Avery's Jerky Turkey: Skipped. already viewed and reviewed

*Lobo has a biohazard demise.* 2 stars

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Tales from the Crypt: The Sacrifice *"Money, pussy, and bullshit." Also a few cussing parrots and a sleazy & kinky Michael Ironside.* 3 stars

"Howling 4, the Original Nightmare" *A novelist, with a vivid imagination, would rather chase the ghost of a nun, hangout with a lesbian ex-nun and search for clues to a legend of a werewolf church burning, and listen to howls on the wind in the night than have sex with her feathered-hair-do, five o'clock shadow bearded bohunk cheating husband.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Tupperware Party Massacre" *Avon culling. Chubby Chaser. Liquored lobster. Lingering Ethel. Privileged killer. Suicide letter. Shamelessly long pecker. Playing doctor. Tearjerker. Siamese threeway offer rejection. Jimmy sober and smitten. Framejob bloody mitten.* 2 1/2 to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: The Great Montarro *Sarcophagus artifice.* 3 stars

"Dragonslayer" 1981 *Not the sorcerer that we want right now, but the sorcerer that we need. The lottery where the winner gets spit-roasted by Smaug has to be the absolute worst. There may have never been more themes of gender inequality, social-political injustice, and the transition between Paganism and Christianity ever before in a Sword & Sorcery flick.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 13 *Cursed and mice infested piano for free on Craigslist.* 2 to 1 1/2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Trick or Treat *"the misery of eternal non-existence"* 2 1/2 stars

"Loose Shoes" -1980- ---------------------------------------------------

*The Howard Huge Story: "His hobby was watching planes fuck."* 3 stars

*Skateboarders From Hell: "Lock up your sons and daughters."* 3 stars

*The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers: "Coming at you in 3-D!"* 3 stars

*Three Chairs For Lefty: Bill Murray on death row.* 3 stars

*The Sneaker: Woody Allen parody.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Magic and Mystery of the Gobi* 3 stars

*Buddy Hackett on behalf of this nation's bed-wetters* 3 stars

*Don't forget organic chocolate covered beanettes.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ditch your kids at the matinee.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Shaggy Studio Chief plus the Calf Who Thought She Was A Chicken* 2 stars

*The Bad News Bares in Getting Laid* 3 stars

*A Visit With Ma and Pa: Ma and Pa take a talking pig to New York City* 3 stars

*The Birth of a Nation, parody* 2 1/2 stars

*The Kid and the Yid. Charlie the bum was a hebrew commie jew* 3 stars

*The Ballerina Is Dead in "Scuffed Shoes"* 2 1/2 stars

*Just a Run in the Sun: Cynical and funny war tragedy story.* 3 stars

*Fistful of Something: Sid Haig in a Spaghetti Western spoof.* 3 stars

*Welcome to Bacon County: Hicksploitation hilarity.* 3 stars

*That's Sexploitation! Under 18 must sneak in.* 3 stars

*The Return of the Pom Pom Boys: Sex comedy with a twist. This time it's the guys who are getting exploited.* 3 stars

*Billy Jerk Goes To Oz: Sticking up for the little man.* 3 stars

*Darktown After Dark: The first all black musical.* 3 stars

*Star (of David) Wars* 2 1/2 stars

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Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 20 "Weirdo in the Haunted House" ----------

*Taking high school chemistry doesn't make one a chemist, especially evident when green goop, accidentally poured down the sink, by said non-chemist, comes gushing through the ceiling, doors, cracks, vents, and walls.* 3 stars

*Almost torched alive, in a van, by a psycho hitchhiker.* 3 stars

*Stripper audition interrupted by a jealous, meathead boyfriend who likes to throw guys out of windows.* 2 1/2 stars

*A closed down haunted house attraction, and former crime scene, has an uninvited guest who doesn't want to be disturbed.* 2 stars

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"Phantasm 4, Oblivion" *On the other side of morning.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: War *Network 23's poodle and pony show has the advertising bulls and bears instead hitching up to the war hysteria for profit media wagon.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The New Breed *Nanobots don't know when to stop. They turn a terminally ill man into a Frankenstein's monster of evolution.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Do Dreams Bleed? *The lingering trauma of having witnessed a brutal slaying.* 2 1/2 stars *Intimate personal closeness with a possible deranged killer can play foul with the mind.* 2 stars

"The Blair Witch Project" *"We're still alive because we got cigarettes, and we're smoking." Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians have a Deliverance weekend where they get choked in the shallow waters before they get too deep. The grunge era Autumn setting, lost in the woods paranoia, and low fi minimalist creative use of limited fx (stick figures and bundles of sticks with bloody body parts along with the noises and the spooky house) make up for the film students arguing in the middle of nowhere with a shaking camera nonsense that takes place for more than half of the film.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Shadows *Mulder: *whispering* psycho-kinetic-manipulation / Scully: *amused* You mean like Carrie at the prom? --- Turns out it was a Ghost versus some terrorists and a jerk boss. Also, a missed opportunity to have Patrick Swayze as a guest star on the X Files.* 2 1/2 stars

"Alice Sweet Alice" -1977- *Impolite middle class Catholic society, cruel aunts, spoiled siblings, flamboyantly slobbish perverts, snap to judgement child psychologists, and pinch faced old church women with religious hangups are all worse than slightly odd and so called out of control tweens. Also, it's a shame that Brooke Shields' name is at the top of the movie's poster. She's barely in it, and the other little girl along with the rest of the cast are the soul of the movie.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girls Town *Scat and slang.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars with riffing, between 1 1/2 & 2 stars without

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night: To The Limit *"Anna Nicole Smith gives retired, Texas strippers a bad name." Joe Bob Briggs* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars for this heavy edited softcore stinker

Weird Science: She's Alive *"a scathing indictment of a braindead, sexist MTV generation" 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Phantom Cab *The Midnight Society start out by having a pair of lost Hansel & Hansel brothers putting a hole in a barrel out in the Canadian forest with a reject teacher from Hogwarts.* 3 stars

American Gothic: A Tree Grows In Trinity *Let Heaven and nature sting.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa 1996(?) *"Who's the champ -NOW- champ?" Tom strangely bothers teachers on strike, concert goers, drugists, mall shoppers, poor fishermen, and former bowling league champions. He also plays footsie with a dating service lady.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Pilot Episode *Sometimes one must cut off a finger in order to save a hand, and sometimes one must hang himself in order to get off. Inner strength incapacitates ignorance.* 3 stars

"Country Hooker" *In the tune of a CB radio listenin' truck drivin' country western croon, "Doin' what they damn well please..." That is until their demented Tennessee Ernie Ford -esque pimpdaddy finds out. There are some freaks in this flick, and I don't mean the tricks, it's the johns and the honky tonk patrons.* 2 1/2 stars

"Christmas Evil" aka "You Better Watch Out" *If it's not a Jolly Dream, it's not worth having.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants *These days, kids are getting too big for their britches. Of course, I'm talking about a Mousketeer, Opie, the kid from The Rifleman, and Beau Bridges.* 3 stars with riffing or 2 stars without

Tales from the Crypt: For Cryin' Out Loud *A real high pitched squealer with a weasel, rock promoter whose clients like Iggy Pop and Donny Osmond get on his nerves, a seductress blackmailer Katey Sagal trying to reach in his pants to snatch half of a million smackers, and an angry voice of reason Sam Kinison screaming his tell tell heart out constantly.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

New World Pictures "Candy Stripe Nurses" 1974 *A socially conscious skin-flick with sophisticated modern women who are smarter than the bohunks they seduce, Gran Torino type bitter old men griping about the decline of their local neighborhoods, commentary on a flawed justice system for minorities, student athlete doping controversy, medical malpractice issuing of needless prescriptions scandal, sexually repressed and spoiled rockstar, seventees era streaking, existential conversations while flirting, and just enough hospital setting hanky panky.* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Bitchcraft" *The part where Darren walked in on Tabitha going down on Elvira while Melissa Joan Hart cut herself with a razor blade for attention and the cast of Designing Women boiled that poor black guy (Meshach Taylor) alive in a caldron... hocus whoa...cus* 2 1/2 stars

Doctor Who (fourth doctor) "Pyramid of Mars" *Imprisoned ancient gods are always showing up in the isolated British countryside and killing 3 or 4 old men in their plot to destroy the world. Thanks to the Doctor, nobody else in the world ever notices.* 2 1/2 stars

TMNT: Mazes & Mutants *A lonely live action roleplayer gasses the turtles so that he can play a game with them in the sewers.* 2 1/2 stars

He-Man & She-Ra, A Christmas Special *Horde Prime wishes to stop Orko and two adorable Earth children from bringing the gospel of Chris Cringle to Eternia. Special guests the Smurf Transformers, the Eternian Decepticons, the Little Mermaid, and Skeletor's heart grew 3 sizes that day.* 2 1/2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Pinball Wizard *Super-soaker, now that's playing with power. A compulsive free play gamer gets trapped in the mall, inside a pinball machine, with a princess in distress, and is Sixpence None the Richer for it.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Shipment *Arcane corrupts the local law enforcement into mutant trafficking and the crooked Sheriff helps kidnap Jim, fake Jim's death, and ship Jim off to South America. We finally get to see Swamp Thing show some physical muscle in a brawl with a stunt man and it's revealed what had to be painfully obvious all along, that the town had to have a corrupt police force in order for Arcane to be doing so many vile things without it coming to legal light.* 3 stars

"Neon City" 1991 *A disgruntled, former lawman (Michael Ironside) begrudgingly runs protection for a RV stagecoach of ragtag wayfarers across the cursed earth.* 2 1/2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Message *Binary E.T. S.O.S. for a deaf woman with a defective ear implant and new mother depression along with voices in her head making the domestic partner daddy think she's schizoid because she runs off with a looney janitor / UFO believer.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Warlock the Armageddon *Runes and Druids. Smalltown fear and hatred of devil worship. Two young should destined to be lovers who are kept apart by ignorance and circumstance. Parents of the picturesque smalltown trying to protect a dark secret. Some horribly dated CGI (forgivable). Nice and twistedly gruesome gore fx to make up for the bad CGI. A charismatic villain (Julian Sands) who is just as good as Marvel's Loki (Tom Hiddleston).* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 14 *In a house that was once a part of the underground railroad, there's a clash of values between a modern inter-racial family and a strict religious spirit of a lady who was an abolitionist.* 2 stars

"Home for the Holidays" 1972 *"There's nothing more chilling than a warm family gathering." An And Then There Were None style story at a stormy, secluded setting where the more stable sibling is the most sinister.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--- Freddy's Nightmares: The End of the World

*Hazy earliest memories are repressed because they involve accidentally killing mommy and crippling a childhood friend, but a girl discovers she can dream things differently and it will fix the present. But unfortunately, there's a butterfly effect.* 2 1/2 stars

*The same girl, from before, is now having prophetic dreams of a nuclear warhead going off on U.S. soil. The C.I.A. is extra curious as to how she got launch codes, and once they figure out she's not fooling or getting tipped off from the inside, well they want to exploit her in their cold war pursuits, while she just wants to make sure that a disturbed sleepwalking missile defense employee doesn't make his Christmas nightmares of melting his son's favorite cartoon character Gumby's face off along with his own son's innocent face as well come true.* 3 stars

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"Class of 1984" *An irresponsible idiot subjects his pregnant wife to a brutal gang rape and torture all because he wants to be an inspirational music educator at one of those imaginary innercity hell highschools where he can't help but feud with the worst gang in a school that has its disciplinary hands tied with the usual red tape bullshit. This was way before zero tolerance. When teach has to turn vigilante just to earn 30k a year, a mild mannered biology professor (Roddy McDowall) has to hold a gun on his pupils just to get their focus on his lessons, and a timid tattle tell (Michael J. Fox) winds up shanked in the liver, just to name a few things, there might be good reason to move back to a smalltown or the suburbs and spare the rod.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Fists of the White Lotus *White Lotus can't be touched because he fights hammer style. A lesson about a gentle approach and pinpointing the right pulse.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 episode 22 "Mom's Crazy" -------------

*Little grey men nick around a ranch house near area 51.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Falling into a wanted by the government hacker's booby trap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Having a nice evening with a psycho park ranger.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mommie dearest keeps her abducted little girl in a cage.* 3 stars

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"Ultra Flesh" 1980 *Sugar (cocaine?) is making the world's men impotent and the President of the United States pays a visit to a third world dictator (Jamie Gillis) whose people seem to have no problem snorting and screwing. Secretly, however, the dictator is a Mr. Freeze type alien who uses his dwarf henchmen to plot against the earth women. An intergalactic group of horny aliens send down Ultra Flesh, a vixen from Venus, to shoot laser beams out of her poonanny and help earth propagate again.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: Free For All *Who are you voting for? Which puppet candidate will it be? "You wouldn't deny the rite of proper procedure?"* 3 stars

New World Pictures presents Larry Cohen's "God Told Me To" --1976-- *Urban upheaval caused by a lot of gristle in the melting pot. The doggedly determined forced by personal convictions that are of soul tearing origins. The easily swayed are proned to random acts of violence. The new age fortunate are full of fallacy with their fancy notions. And the pitiful and holy are just as much victims as they inadvertently victimize others in their own inability to face up to the burden of consequences that come with cruel circumstance.* 3 stars

X Files: Ghost in the Machine *Interfacing Promethean resistively. The machine is dead. Long live the machine.* 2 1/2 stars

"Silent Night, Bloody Night" --1972-- *A season of violence come to bare its withered, ugly fruit. The sepia soaked orgy of murder by the mental patients along with the undertones of incest, then father assuming the identity of his dead daughter, whom he fathered a child with, is all rather haunting/disturbing.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 15 *The spirit of a war veteran still haunts the barn where he committed suicide after a alzheimer's diagnosis. So, the team brings in an army honor guard to have a memorial service where a piece of his skull was buried, by his wife, on the property. Also, a little boy, from before the middle of the 20th century, who died of the croop, on the property, is sensed as just a mischevious spirit by medium Chip Coffey.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Open House" *Squint and bite down. There will be no sale. These spirits won't be built over, smothered out, skull fucked, love requited, or made to polish their own silver again.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Twilight Zone the movie *John Landis does okay thanks to the tragically killed Vic Morrow . Spielberg can only do schmaltzy Spielberg. Joe Dante puts some thrilling touches on a classic. Lithgow trumps Shatner in the freakout department, but none of these outings are as good as Rod Serling and the original.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Holiday Special-- -2012- *"He sees you eat your pizza. He sees you eat your pizza."* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Four-Sided Triangle *The sour couple from the Grant Wood American Gothic painting think they can hold captive a farmgirl to do all their chores. And Patricia Arquette is sure purty enough to make the crops grow. But the farmer's horny ignorance coupled with his wife's jealous mean streak are no match for the cow milking maiden's cleverness.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa the late 1990s *Somewhere between Andy Kaufman and the geek who bites the heads off chickens at the county fair.* close to 2 1/2 stars

William Peter Blatty's "The Ninth Configuration" --1980-- *"Consider the lillies of the field."* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Double Jeopardy *"You figure that you're owed something for all the love and compassion that you carry in you..." A liberal cop comes face to face with the harsh reflection of reality in an oily mudpuddle on the other side of the rainbow. One of many storyline elements including Dan Hedaya as a dirty cop who turns out surprisingly to be easily deeply sympathetic for.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back *A model murdered by crossbow. Was it the amateur necromancer, the hip richboy, the confrontational preacher, the quiet abuser, the German pervert, or the nervous pornographer? If the dead girl can't tell us, we'll never know. Detective work depends on kooky science and no forensic nonsense.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"The Conjuring" --2013-- *It's surprising to learn that famed demonologists The Warrens were actually selfless truthseekers and not the scam artists they were proven to be.* close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Dreadful Doll *Witchdoctor Beavis working for a mercenary Fred Flintstone.* 2 1/2 stars

"Phase IV" --1974-- *The perceived terror of a terrrestrial advancement not our own.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: I Robot *What is the value of conceived worth? Adam Link, the first sentient robot, has an amount of quality, as relating to empathy, greater than most humans.* 3 stars

South Park: #Rehash *Commentary and clit rubbing, both by obnoxious social media celebrities, is the entertainment content of the future.* 3 stars

South Park: #Happy Holograms *The most ignorant Christas special ever is now trending.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Birth Marks *Kari Wuhrer joins the cast as a test tube teen, and Jim's older brother -Will- becomes the central character as ST's link to the human world.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rewind This" --2013-- *"Don't let your mom tell you that you can't make a monster movie." *quoting* a door to door monster movie salesman and the self proclaimed Ed Wood of the 21st century. That pretty much sums up the 30 plus year culture, that became a cult, of video.* 3 stars

"Forced Entry" --1974-- *One of the first movies to deal with post traumatic stress disorder also happens to be a gritty 1970s NYC serial killer study mixed with a sleazy 42nd street rough porno. This is when skin flicks tried to be film art and this one is bold enough to juxtapose a home invasion sicko's forced oral money shot with scenes of burning Vietnamese villages and crying villagers.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Dead Ringers" *One never has to feel alone what with shared life experiences, sexual opponents, the psychic connection between siblings, or the prescribed lifeline of addiction.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Universal Remote *Skipping through the boring parts of life just to hurry up and get to second base with girls.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Awesome Show- Great Job! ---Chrimbus Special--- -2010- *"The Winter Man wants you to eat a pound of hair per year."* close to 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: The Holiday *Hijacked hip hip hooray.* 3 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Battle of the Barbarians *Big barbarians in little Beijing.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 -episode 6 *There's more than one way to kindle a fire, skin a rabbit, marry into an inbred family, serve a deity, shoot arrows, inflict torture, or climb an icy face of a wall.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: Beyond Life and Death *Wow, Bob, Wow!* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community TV- The Comedy Network --1998(?)-- *Tom Green seemed funny when I was around sixteen, now, sixteen years later, he seems more like a shithead.* either zero stars or 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors *The people who just moved in next door are nocturnal freaks with fridges full of blood in their basement. A Nickelodeon version of Fright Night.* 2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Doctor Jack *The key to a disgraced surgeon's miracle surgeries is a scalpel that hungers for shadowy street murders.* 3 stars

Farscape: The Flax *Scavenging, self preservation, strategic chessgames, sweet romance, and sacrifice all at the flypaper snare strip in the pirate portion of the universe.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: The Blanks *The Blanks (anonymous), for highly justified political reasons of freeing unjustly imprisoned Blanks, hack into and threatened to shut down a technology dependent society ran by corrupt corporations and politicians.* 3 stars

X Files: Ice *Who goes there? Another tense, paranoid version of the classic sci fi story involving a parasitic alien in an arctic setting.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 -episode 5 *Memorial shrine to regretful medical malpractice.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Asylum --Origins of Monstrosity-- *Skin to skin. A mother's touch.* 3 stars --Dark Cousin-- *Summon the angel of death.* 3 stars --Unholy Night-- *Satan frees Santa from solitary.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 16 *A strange, and humorously titled, ghost communication device called "Frank's Box" is used to speak to spirits trapped by a demon inside an insane asylum with a dark history and many unmarked graves on its grounds.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Dark Secret of Harvest Home" *"What men may never know and what women may never tell." Townies from NYC accidentally take a wrong turn across a picturesque covered bridge into a frozen in colonial times New England village where the townfolk have strange customs involving corn and keeping to the old ways. The more the inquisitive sketch artist husband digs into the secrets surrounding a strange death, the more the mother and daughter get caught up in the cult nature of the many festivals. It turns out to be a fertility cult where the new blood wife is mounted and humped in front of the cuckold hubbie by a bohunk who is then beheaded. As tradition, the husband's eyes are then scratched out by the white robed pagan women for having witnessed the sacred act. See, this is why I fully throw my hat behind the patriarchy and not mother earth religions.* 3 stars

"Hot Summer in the City" ---sexploitation--- --1976-- *While a soundtrack of songs like AM radio gold classic "Everlasting Love" played as militant black power jive bruthas took turns on a scared Alice in Wonderland captive piece of "white pussy" and the group's cockeyed idiot gets brow beaten and bitch slapped for getting his "finger stuck in her asshole," I realized why this movie is self hating, w.a.s.p. hating, obvious subversive, ugly mongoloid looking Quentin Tarantino's favorite dirty movie.* either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Boy Parts" *Extra piece of fried chicken. Frankenstein boyfriend. Ghetto hair extensions. 180 year old racist. Poisoned buckwheat. Alligator dung. Snake eggs. Stevie Nicks. Deep fried revenge. Poaching game. Minotaur Mandingo. Woman on top.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

King of the Nerds: Imaginary Realms *Cosplay challenge. The only cosplay that ever interested me was the scene from Revenge of the Nerds where there's spacesuit deception in order to get nookie from a cheerleader inside a moonwalk attraction at the fair.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: King of the Mountain *Confrontation is not courageous, but it is indeed cool when it is combat, on the side of a cliff, between David Carradine and a cowboy bounty hunter John Saxon.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Eye of the Beholder *Faust Gump* 3 stars

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