#sewed this by the glow of only one overhead interior light in my car

[sarcasmic-skies]

finally added this patch to my bag!!!

[plutomeetsgenius]

Girl Meets Magic Part 1 (Revised)

Hi Liz! It’s me Luna Rose. You are a tough critic but I appreciate that. Here is my new version of Girl Meets Magic (Part 1). I’d still love feedback as it’s my first fanfic ever, and it can be as negative or positive as you wish as long as it’s constructive. Also there will be a lot more magic, POC characters and gay stuff coming up

Premise:  Riley and Maya’s brush with a magical device sends them to 1920’s New York where Riley and Maya find themselves trapped in the bodies of Lenora Matchinski and Summer Hart respectively. Lenora is a journalist documenting the rising tensions between Wizards and No Majes and Summer is a Jazz Singer who loves to attend wild parties. Will Riley and Maya be able to find a way home or will they lose themselves to the conflicts of the past?

Word Count: 1921 Words

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          When she closes her eyes she feels an orchestra of noises wash over her. To her left the grating sounds of screeching wheels, and car horns. To her right the thud of footsteps on the pavement, and hurried chattering. When she opens her eyes all she can see are tall buildings, flashing billboards and streams of people and cars rushing by. It was easy to get lost here among the music of the city. Luckily she had her best friend to keep her focused.

        “Riley, you’re doing it again,” Maya nudges her gently.

         “Am I?” “Seriously, why are you smiling?” Maya asks.

         “How can I not? I love today. Today is even better than yesterday. And yesterday was the best day ever!”

           Maya shakes her head and smiles. Her friend truly is a ray of sunshine. Maya and Riley continue walking until Maya stops in front of a storefront. The storefront is a dark mossy green color, and there is barely any light coming from the interior. It reminds Riley of a haunted house.

        “Is that-” Riley can’t finish her sentence.

         “Yes,” Maya cuts her off. “But is it-” Riley begins again.

         “Yup.”

          “Noo, I’m not going over there. It’s dark and scary over there. Lots can go wrong over there. The only thing that can go wrong over here is if I go over there.”

         “Oooh, I’m the haunted storefront and I want to eat you alive ooooh” Maya moans, doing her best ghost impression as she tickles Riley. Riley laughs but she’s still unsure about the storefront. The door creaks open on rusted hinges, and Maya swiftly pulls Riley through. It takes Riley a second to get adjusted to her new surroundings. Riley is startled by how still everything around her seems to be. She walks among the antiques, a rusted sewing machine, a broken lamp, and a dusty cloche and she wonders if they have been sitting there for a hundred years. In the dull glow of the amber overhead lamps, everything loses its color.

         “Isn’t this great?” Maya smiles, running her fingers around the mouth of a gramophone. Riley nods, although the musty smell of the shop is making her sick. She slumps down on a velvet ottoman, and looks listlessly at the floor. Beneath her feet a strange necklace twinkles. At the center of the necklace is an hourglass filled with crushed amethyst dust. Around the hourglass is a series of gold rings. A golden chain is attached to the outermost ring. Everything around her is so worn, so lived in, but the necklace looks like it was made that very day. Riley reaches over to touch it, and promptly receives a painful shock.

         “MAYA!” Riley screams. “WHAT?” Maya mimics Riley’s tone.

          “This necklace just shocked me.” Maya looks at the necklace, her blue eyes lighting up in anticipation.

         “It’s so pretty though. I think you should take it home,” retorts Maya, picking up the necklace. “It matches the overalls you are wearing perfectly. Besides,” Maya smiles knowing Riley’s weakness “Isn’t purple your favorite color?”

         “Doesn’t matter,” Riley replies firmly crossing her arms in defiance.

         “Try it on,” urges Maya.

         “NO.” Riley pushes Maya back and she tumbles into a rack of dusty books. The purple hourglass shatters on the floor between them. Riley and Maya are blinded by a bright light.

         “Are you alright?” Riley looks up to find herself on a crowded subway train. She is surrounded by men and women dressed in heavy overcoats and hats. She finds the source of the voice to be a similarly disheveled young woman with wild blonde curls and a mink overcoat. On the floor between them is the necklace. The hourglass center is shattered and amethyst dust is leaking out over the train floor. Riley feels her heart racing, the words barely escape her throat.

         “What happened?” she asks.

          “Riley, it’s me Maya,” The woman whispers in Riley’s ear. “It seems we have traveled back to the 1920’s. I found this paper in my purse.” Maya open the newspaper. “March 27, 1926,” Maya reads the front cover, since Riley can barely speak. “Violence Against Wizards and Witches on the Rise, an article by Lenora Matchinski.” Next to the name is a photo of a young woman, probably in her early twenties. Her dark hair is tied back into a low bun, and she stares at the camera defiantly. “That’s you,” whispers Maya. Riley shakes her head. It can’t be her. This whole situation is impossible. “No, that’s literally who you are right now. You’ve occupied her body.” Riley feels herself starting to collapse but the woman who claims she is really Maya holds her steady. “Hey don’t worry,” Maya smiles “It’s going to be fun. It’s like playing a role in a play. Remember when you played Juliet in our seventh grade production of Romeo and Juliet?” Riley nods. “Well it will be just like that, minus Farkle’s sloppy kissing of course.” This elicits a giggle from Riley. “Just try to become Lenora Matchinski, the greatest reporter the world has ever seen.” Maya lowers her voice “Don’t worry it’ll be temporary. We’re going to find a way to fix that necklace.”

         “I don’t want to touch that thing ever again,” Riley whispers.

          “You won’t have to, just keep it in your bag okay.” Maya picks up the necklace and slips it into the handbag Riley is holding. Riley can’t help but smile again. Even in the strangest of situations, her best friend exudes a confidence that Riley can’t help but admire.

         “So where are we going next?”

         “You’ll see,” Maya smiles mysteriously.

          “I need to know.”

          “Maybe this headline will give you a clue?”

          “Summer Hart to perform at the Bradbury Speakeasy,” Riley reads aloud. Next to the interview is a picture of a young woman with wild blonde curls wearing a black beaded sheath. Riley looks back and forth from the picture to the woman next to her, sure enough they are identical.

          “Approaching Prince Street,” announces the conductor.

          “This is my stop!” exclaims Summer.

          “How do you know?” asks Riley skeptically.

         “I can access Summer’s memories. Her memories are telling me the Bradbury Speakeasy is a block away and she has to perform tonight. What do you say, Lenora, are you coming or staying?”

          Half an hour later Riley is sitting at one of the bar stools of the Bradbury Speakeasy. Once again Riley is surrounded by a symphony of noises. The tinkling of champagne glasses, the click of dance shoes, the shuffle of stools, the burst of a saxophone, and of course the dulcet tones of Summer Hart. “Remember you’re the best reporter the city has ever seen,” she whispers to herself.

        “Excuse me, Ma’am” says a young man seated to her right “Are ya talkin tuh yourself?” comes a male voice saturated in southern twang. The owner of the voice is handsome, with tan skin and bright green eyes. A large brown overcoat is draped over his shoulders, and a cowboy boots adorn his feet.

        “Hi-Hi,” she stutters her face breaking into a giant grin. “I’m Ri- I mean Lenora. I’m Lenora Matchinski.”

        “Ma name’s uh Lewis Fyre. It’s uh plea-suh to meet ya, Miss Lenora,” the man kisses her hand. Riley can feel a blush creeping into her cheeks. “Ya know Miss Lenora, dis is my first time in New York City. I’m headin’ off tuh veterinary school in uh few days.” Riley nods but can’t trust herself to say anything. “ah’ve only been he-ah for uh few days, but ah already miss ma pets back at home.”

        “Pets?” muses Riley, hypnotized by Lewis’s beautiful green eyes.

         “Ah have 24 horses. One day af-tuh school, Sofia was foalin.”

         “That means giving birth?” Riley asks, leaning in.

          “Not bad, city girl,” he grins, pulling her and her handbag closer. “And dere wuz no one dere, so ah called up the local doc-tuh, Dr. Galendo and he talked me through it. So ah delivered dis beautiful palomino, and the doc-tuh heard ‘bout it, and he said ah should go tuh veterinary school when ah get olda. So dat’s what I’m gonna do.”

          “It’s amazing that you’re following your dreams,” smiles Riley.

          “Ya know it’d also be ma dream to give ya a kiss. Whad’ya think ‘bout that, Miss Lenora?”

           “I-I,” Riley stammers.

           “Dey say in New York City any-thang is possible,” he cajoles her. He has a boyish sweetness in his eyes that Riley can’t resist

          “Okay!“ Riley grins.

        “Close ya eyes Lenora,” Lewis practically sings. Riley puckers up. She can practically feel his breath on her face. However, instead of feeling the pressure of his lips, she feels a sharp yank on her bag. Riley opens her eyes to see Lewis running away, handbag in hand. Without thinking, Riley charges after him. She doesn’t know much about her surroundings but she knows that fixing the necklace in the handbag is her only way home. She rushes out the door of the speakeasy and into the busy streets.               “Give me back my bag!” she screams at Lewis Fyre, but he only increases his pace. The cold rain obscures her view, but doesn’t dampen her determination. She feels her feet pounding on the cobblestone street, the warmth of the amber lamps illuminating her path. Everyone else blurs into the surroundings. Lewis ducks into an alleyway and Riley follows close behind. The alleyway reeks of damp sewage and is littered with obstacles. It doesn’t matter to Riley: she can feel herself closing in. She keeps sprinting, she can practically touch the tails of his brown overcoat. The puddles mask the unevenness of the cobblestones and before she knows it, Riley feels herself falling to the ground. The impact shakes her to her very core. She can taste the blood in her mouth and her brain is going foggy. Before she blacks out she hears the words “Stupefy.” She feels herself waking up slowly. Riley can start to hear a conversation.

        “Do you think she’ll remember anything?” asks a male voice that Riley could only describe as sounding like a river, deep and thoughtful.

         “Of course not. Did you see how long it took for us to heal that head wound?” came an older male voice that sounded gruff like a crackling fire.

         “Why do you think she had a time turner in her bag?”

         “Fabian,” The older man chastises “I told you to retrieve the bag, not examine all the contents.”

         “I was curious,” Fabian sighs dejectedly. “You always are, Fabian. Let’s drop her off here, at the Bradbury Speakeasy. She’s regaining consciousness and we don’t want to be around when she wakes up.”

         “But she’s Lenora Matchinski, always says she’s on the wizards’ side!” Fabian retorts.

         “She does, Fabian, but many people she fraternizes with don’t feel that way. Let’s go.”

          Riley wakes up outside the doors of the Bradbury Speakeasy. To her left is a very anxious Summer Hart.

          “What happened to you, Lenora? One second I saw you flirting with a cowboy and the next you were running out into the rain!”

           “He stole the bag with the necklace in it,” Riley answers plainly.

           “Well did you get it back?” Riley nods, showing Summer the bag. “Good. We’ll fix the necklace in the morning. I promise,” Summer gives Riley a hug.

           “C’mon Lenora, I’ve accessed that Summer’s apartment is only a short walk from here, we should get some rest.”

           “You have got to teach me how to access memories,” demands Riley.

            “Tomorrow, Lenora, Tomorrow.”

_________________________________

Ok, first thing’s first, the prose in the beginning is much improved, and the details that you added (dialogue, scenery, characterization) make this much more convincing.

I’m not quite sure where you’re going with this, so I don’t know how to critique your plot, because to me, it seems like there are a lot of places to go with that.

The only big issue that I can see is the logical gap where Maya can magically access the memories of the person she’s inhabiting, but Riley can’t. It would be one thing if the moment the station was called out Maya got a flash of the familiar station and said that it was their stop and when asked why couldn’t come up with an answer, but she knows that she’s accessing memories very easily, and if Maya really is a muggle with no training, that seems very unlikely.

Other than that, the only thing I worry about is the names. If Maya is occupying a contemporary ancestor, is Riley doing the same? Also, I see what you were trying to do with Lewis Fyre, but I think you can tone it down a little bit with the Lucas allusions. Maybe just make him faintly like Lucas, enough to draw Riley in, but not nearly enough to be that glaring. And most people don’t go around with last names like ‘Fyre’. People can have normal sounding names and it won’t do anything to hurt your story, while having outlandishly fantastic names might.

Other than that, keep up with the writing and let me know how it goes!

To anyone else: I do beta and feel free to send me anything you’d like me to look at.