#sextus pompey appreciation post

[just-late-roman-republic-things]

Is there an argument that Sextus Pompey is one of the most underrated Roman generals? (well admiral technically)

[slams desk] He is the very definition of underrated! In fact, I think this calls for a Sextus Pompey Appreciation Post!

We first meet Sextus in Egypt while he helplessly watches from a boat as his father gets into another, smaller boat, then is stabbed in the back and decapitated.

After that Batman-esque origin story he joins the republican army, almost kills Caesar at Munda, and escapes to raise an army again in defiance of Caesar's dictatorship. This boy was fighting for the republic while Brutus was still getting his angst workouts in. Did I mention Sextus was only 22?

Army - ahem, I meant navy. Romans in general were shit at sailing, but our boy is shockingly good at it, and also very good at Not Getting Caught for several years while Caesar gets shanked and a four-sided civil war erupts in Italy.

We have Sextus to thank for Livia's family escaping the proscriptions! He gave sanctuary to them and many other refugees and republican sympathizers, especially after Philippi, and later got the proscriptions lifted so they could return home.

Sextus proceeds to kick Octavian's ass, sometimes through raids and destroying ships, but mostly through blocking Italy's food imports. Astonishingly, a lot of Romans side with Sextus and pressure Octavian into making a treaty with him, or else Octavian might end up like dear old Uncle Julius. Yep. Sextus came very close to overthrowing the future emperor with economics.

So what does the treaty look like? It looks like Sextus, Antony and Octavian standing awkwardly on wooden platforms a hundred feet apart on the ocean, because Sextus is NOT letting himself get sea-shanked like his dad was.

At the celebration party afterward Sextus' lieutenant asks "Do I shank them sir? While they're drunk and surrounded by our dudes?" And Sextus goes "Uggghhh why did you have to TELL me, you should've just killed them but now I'm honor-bound to say no."

Also the treaty lasts for like five minutes before Octavian and Sextus are fighting again. (Antony runs off to vibe with Cleopatra.)

Sextus goes ✨full theater kid ✨and starts calling himself the Son of Neptune, sacrificing horses to the sea, and wearing a spiffy blue cape. Oh, and he celebrates beating up Octavian with a commemorative coin. That's Scylla the sea monster on the right there. Metal.

Octavian continues to be an incredibly bad admiral, at one point being reduced to huddling in a cave and cursing out Neptune after a storm destroys his ships. He resorts to calling in Marcus Agrippa from Gaul.

Agrippa takes one look at this terrifyingly competent pirate/freedom fighter/Percy Jackson roleplayer, who can wreck ships faster than Agrippa can build them. So Agrippa has to build his fleet in a fucking lake that's supposedly the entrance to the Roman underworld and connect the lake to the sea, just to keep Sextus from wrecking his shit too early.

You know you're a badass when it takes an army from the gate of Hades itself to stop you.

Sextus Pompey and Marcus Agrippa have an EPIC showdown (and Sextus destroys Octavian's fleet again, just for fun). Agrippa wins because he's absurdly perfect at everything. Sextus yeets off to Asia Minor where one of Antony's lackeys executes him.

And you'd think that would be the end of it...but...

400 years later Emperor Julian writes a...fanfiction? in which Neptune is still mad at Octavian, and bullies him again, making this one of the longest-running jokes in Roman history.

Sextus Pompey was the last great leader claiming to defend the republic against the triumvirs, and he was incredibly resourceful, competent, and brave from a young age. His tragic backstory, flair for the dramatic, moments of honor and compassion, and the fact that he very nearly won mean he deserves way more attention than he gets.