#shadowheart/gale could be so angsty can you imagine

[avibero]

I'm still not done with my first playthrough but the concept of origin runs is becoming more fascinating the further I get in. I desperately want to see what a Gale/Lae'zel romance looks like.

[tallymonster]

Memories of Us chapter 9

AO3 link

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Little baby warning, it does get angsty and there are some mentions of sex, no smut yet though, sorry guys.

Giving @cheesy-cryptid all the flowers for their beautiful art. Without it I wouldn't be writing this massive project I have given myself lol

Also giving flowers to my bestie @micropoe10 ✨ she's gonna be reading parts of this for the first time with everyone so I can't wait to see her reaction hehehe

Tag list:

@justporo @satanicspinosaurus @sleepy-timaeus @tragedybunny @davenswitcher @wayward-hel

Chapter 9

why cuts aren't healing

The relationship between Astarion and Octavia had changed since her little intrusion. She had seen him walking around without the glasses, finally. Whatever reasoning he had for that was lost on her, since he stopped speaking directly to her.

 He would just stare, those fire orange eyes seemed to burn into her seething with a mix of disappointment, rage, betrayal. Gale had the unfortunate duty of passing her messages from Astarion, working as their in between. 

 The cold notes Astarion would send in with Gale were only about work. No smarmy comments, no sarcastic airs, just boring work. Octavia crumples up and throws the note in the garbage next to her.

 "Do you think he's ever going to speak to me?" She asks Gale, flatly. She inhales deeply and slumps down on the chair. 

 "Octavia, you literally broke the one rule the man has for ALL OF US. What were you expecting? A handshake? A pat on the head? Please."

 Gale looked at her with an annoyed face, his tone not much further. "Listen, let him brood, it'll be good for him. For you too. Maybe you'll learn what 'private' means."

 Gale isn't hiding that he's mad, but there's a hint of concern behind it. He obviously cares for Astarion, but he can only do so much for these two. 

  --------------------—-------------------

 In his dusty office, Astarion still obsesses over the argument with Octavia. She was so afraid of him. Even as she was being torn down, she still looked at him with a nurturing curiosity.

 The entire thing confused him, why did she smell like Tav? Why do her eyes look at him like hers did? She reminded him so much of his lost love. Was he imagining it, or was it the regret playing tricks on his mind again?

It had been one hundred and fifty years since he let the human go. She was desperate to join him in the Underdark, she could help him, they were in love after all. 

 Somehow Astarion couldn't ask her to give up her life in the sunlight for him. She screamed, begged, pleaded, fought, and cried. Nothing would move him from this firm stance. He couldn't take her from the only life she had known above ground. Especially not now that they were all being hailed as heroes. 

 The look on her face when he denied her was still seared into his memories. The necessary pain he had to put her through to save her. He was too cowardly to face it, so he left in the night. 

 Never looking back at the Elfsong Tavern, never seeing his friends, letting them all kill him in their minds. They were all dead now, or they assumed he was. There was no point in dwelling on his own actions. 

 Still, he can't help but wonder, what happened to them? Did Lae'zel and Shadowheart ever forgive his choices? Was his Gale truly happy like the letters his great grandson gave him said? Did Wyll and Karlach even make it to Avernus? Astarion let the sorrow fill his core, the despair growing and twisting into total apathy. 

 He often thought of his last night with Tav, the way he had to lie to calm her down. Her tears as he kissed her worries away. His hands on her body, feeling her come undone with every touch. She crashed her lips on his desperately, the worry and insecurities followed by hunger and lust. 

 Her soft cries of pleasure and heartbreak echo in his ears as they have each night for almost a century and a half. Her slow caresses were pleading him to stay, to never leave her alone. They had grown so much together, she trusted him with her blood, her body, and her heart. They had risked everything and came out the other side. 

 He decides then to bring her to bliss one last night before never indulging in her ever again. To feel her running hot in his icy veins, warm with her glorious blood. She was always so generous with her gifts. Her blood, her love, her body. He should be ashamed to want to leave them all behind. 

So many have killed for the type of love and affection that he had in his hands. He was foolish to let it slip through like the ashes he would turn into if he walked into the sun like he imagined so long ago. 

 His mind couldn't help but wonder.

 

Was she happy? Did she forget him? Did she ever have the family she wanted? She always wanted kids, and even though he wasn't sure if he could give her some without dangerous risks, he would have done it for her. Even if he wasn't sure he ever wanted them himself, he .

 He closes his eyes and hears her voice, soft and melancholy in the cold white hue of the moonlit night.

 I will do anything for you, I love you. 

 You have me, my Star.

 I'm yours forever. 

 Don't leave me. 

 

Please.

 The memories were all too painful, he tried hard to suppress the anger, grief and regret. but it burned like a house fire. Slowly, then all at once. He slams one of his fists onto the desk in front of him. The pain shoots up his wrist and arm, making his shoulder vibrate. 

 He winces and swipes off the papers on his desk, he keeps punching the desk until he can't feel his right hand. The good thing is that he won't be too badly hurt if he kills a big animal tonight. It should still be easy to catch a deer, even in this weakened state. 

 

The aggression won't stop, he wants to yell, to destroy this whole facade, but he can't. His whole 'new' life is built on the foundation of his old one. He can't move on, no matter how many times he's lied to himself about it. No matter how many times he's tried he can still sense her. 

 There was a bit of a complication now, though. Octavia reminded him so much of her. The thought kept replaying in his head, all the little things he had noticed these last months.

 She had the same tilted laugh, the same sweet smile that lights up her face, her way of challenging him to get a playful rise out of him. Maybe there was something there but now he can't face her. Why had she violated his only wish, what could possibly compel her to sneak in and spy on him like that? 

 Astarion lets all the emotion rise, his breathing quickens, his chest feels like it's tightening, the pain that was in his arm takes over his whole body and he falls into the chair behind him.

 His head throbs, and it almost feels like that fucking tadpole made its way back inside him. The room is spinning and shrinking all at once. The shadows in the corners slowly growing darker around him.

  The sound that comes from him erupts from his lungs, a rumbling sob that he can't suppress. The little he feels now comes out in giant tears, he gasps for air as if he's digging himself out of the grave again.

 Nothing can stop the flow of emotions rippling from within. The shaky breaths tumble out, bathed in the chill of the room. He buries his head in his hands and lets it all melt away. 

 The sorrow he feels washes over him, the memories and lost time all pouring out. The weight of the years, the grief, all the stupid things he said and did that hurt them. He never meant to do any of it. He was just trying to protect them. His loneliness kept them safe, it was the only thing he could tell himself after all these years of self isolation.

 As much as he hates putting up his walls with Octavia, she seems remorseful enough to respect this distance he's forced upon them. Practically punishing herself to gain back his favor. He can tell with the way she'll quickly turn away when he catches her looking at him, or how her eyebrows do that thing…

 Oh no. 

 Oh Gods…

 The realization hits him all at once. He's got to apologize if he even thinks this could work in his favor.

 She deserves some compassion from him, at least. It's time to let go of the fear and to show someone he can be open to feeling like this again. 

 He's scared, always has been. It feels different now somehow, he only has to open the door and let it in, whether it will welcome him or engulf him in its flames was to be discovered in due time.