#she fuels my fears about the dentists and insecurities over my teeth

[autisticarachnid]

my mom can spend close to $1000 for my brother and i to have universal passes without batting an eye, she can spend definitely over $3000 for my brother to get an old miata that he took apart and left undrivable in the driveway, but i need just under $800 for a root canal i definitely DON’T want to get and suddenly it’s too much money, she won’t have anything left, etc. suddenly i’m seemingly an asshole for needing a painful procedure at a place that has genuinely traumatized me.

[dontshouta]

heeey! can i request bakugo, izuku, shoto and shinsou with an s/o that is a bad influence for them (they manipulate the boys to skip classes, make them jealous/angry just for fun, etc) and then someone or something makes them snap and realize that their s/o is not good? i really like ur writing and really liked this idea but it's ok if you dont feel like doing them

this request made me 🥺 why must u make me write these dumb boys bad 😔 theyre doing their best okay. also i know u didn’t make this exclusively reader x bnha but like. I wanted a happy ending okay.

Bakugou Katsuki:

You were sat in your usual seat in the back of the class, your eyes lazily sweeping over the heads of your peers. Professor Yamada was droning on about some grammatically incorrect sentences in the background of your own thoughts, your mind elsewhere while you drew incoherent doodles in the margins of your notes.

English was your last class for the day, the clock ticking ever so slowly while you thought of any last minute plans you could make with your friends. You thought you could go to the mall with Mina, you needed a new pair of shoes and you knew she wouldn’t do you wrong. Or, you could hang out at Sero and Kaminari’s place, you’ve been meaning to bum out and have a movie night with those two. Or maybe, you could grab some lunch with Bakug-

Where the hell was Bakugou?

Your eyes jumped to stare into his empty desk, burning imaginary holes into the seat while searching through your mind’s eye to figure out why on Earth he would be gone. Bakugou never missed a day of class, so why now? Did he catch a cold? Does he have a dentist’s appointment? Was he abducted by aliens? Did he get hit by a-

Suddenly, the classroom door swung open and in came the culprit. Along with a demon clinging onto his arm. You rolled your eyes, a sigh escaping through your lips as you watched the two make their way to their respective seats. Of course she was the reason why he was late.

“Ahh, sorry professor!” She cooed, mock saluting poor Professor Yamada. “Didn’t realize we were so late, right Katsuki?”

You knew the rat was lying through her teeth. You knew she would rather die than come into class early like a normal student. You glared seething hatred into the back of her head, watching as her hand stayed glued to Bakugou’s arm, even as they sat in their seats. 

Bakugou merely grunted in response, his eyes downcast while he settled in. You wanted to get up and pull him by the ear out of the classroom and give that dumb boy a stern talking to but you had at least some restraint. You studied the boy’s face closely, and you felt your heart sink. You couldn’t remember the last time you saw him look so… anguished. His expression was so openly conflicted you couldn’t help the feeling of dejection filling your tight chest.

After class, you launched yourself to Bakugou before his demon of a girlfriend could sink her claws into him first and hightailed it out of the classroom without a trace.

“Y/N- what- where the fuck are you taking me!” He growled, trying to shake himself from you. 

“We need to have a little chit-chat Bakugou.” You started, rounding a corner into a little nook where you and Bakugou could talk without any disturbances. “I saw your face, I know you’re not happy with what happened today. What’s going on?”

Bakugou was quiet for a moment, emotions flickering through his face until he finally broke the silence with a deep sigh.

“This isn’t the first time this sort of thing happened… She keeps forcing me to skip my classes and shit and I don’t know why but I just can’t fucking say no. What the fuck is up with that? Since when have I ever been a damn toy for some girl? This shit’s been really pissing me off but I haven’t done jack shit about it!”

You could see the anger coursing through his body as he restrained himself from probably yeeting you into space. You felt angry. Angry because you didn’t notice his inner turmoil earlier and even angrier because of the person doing this. Didn’t she care for Bakugou at all? What a shitty girlfriend. You wouldn’t treat him like this.

“Bakugou,” You placed a comforting hand on his bicep, squeezing the hard muscle tightly to show your support. “I think you should break up with her. I’ve never had a good feeling about her in the first place and I hate seeing you so miserable because of some obnoxious brat.”

He reached up to squeeze your hand back before removing it entirely from his arm with a heavy sigh. 

“Thanks, Y/N.. Even though you’re always in my fuckin’ business I appreciate you knocking some damn sense into my head.”

You gave him a bright smile. “Of course! I’d hate to see my favorite rat in distress!” You puffed your chest out with pride. “Now you owe me, how about taking me out on a date once your free from the devil’s clutches?”

With a roll of his eyes he ruffled your hair, a smirk playing on his lips while he abandoned your super secret hiding spot. Hands shoved into his jeans pockets, he looked over his shoulder, a cocky look in his eyes. 

“I knew you only wanted me to break up with her just so you could get a shot at me. You’re playing a dangerous game, Y/N.”

A furious blush erupted onto your cheeks as you wildly yelled at the boy. The only response he so graciously gave you was a wink and a chuckle, causing your shouts behind him to grow tenfold.

You were left with red cheeks and a shy smile as you watched Bakugou escape your sight. You just hoped the stupid boy would actually break up with the witch or you feared you’d meddle again and do it yourself.

Midoriya Izuku:

Click. Click. Click. Click. ClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClick-

“Okay, Mido, I’m taking that from you.” You snatched the boy’s pen from his hand before he could protest and shoved it into your jacket pocket. His face flushed as he muttered incoherent excuses under his breath, the mess of hair on top of his head bobbing while he jittered in his seat.

You’d hoped you could have a relaxing study session with Midoriya in the local coffee shop but the poor boy had been fidgeting ever since the pair of you entered the establishment.

“Mido, what’s wrong? You’re more spazzy than usual.” 

You watched as he rolled his bottom lip in between his teeth while staring at something behind you, causing a large sigh to escape from your lips.

“Dude, are you zoning out again? I asked you a ques-” Just as you started talking you turned to see what he was staring at, as soon as your eyes landed on the scene behind you you whipped right back around with wide eyes.

“Yo, isn’t that your boyfriend??” Your eyes were wide with concern,  your body frantically forcing itself in front of Midoriya’s line of sight. “Mido, he’s all over that guy, did you guys break up or something?”

You wanted nothing more than to launch yourself from your seat to beat the other boy up but you held yourself back to hear out your friend instead.

Midoriya raked both of his hands through his hair, mumbling as he did so. He slumped back into his chair in defeat, his face scrunching up in both anger and betrayal.

“Haha.. no, Y/N. Um, he’s-he’s been doing this for a while actually haha.. At first it was kinda cute I guess but now I’m not sure if he even likes me anymore. I don’t like being jealous, Y/N.. I don’t even feel like it’s worth the hassle anymore..” 

Your heart broke for him, watching him struggle with his emotions right in front of you. You stole a quick peek behind you again, your eyes meeting the flirting boy’s briefly. His eyebrow cocked up, almost making you jump out of your seat to defend your friend. You felt the need to fight a bitch growing now more than ever.

“Dude what the hell, he’s doing it on purpose?? What’s his deal? Is he so insecure in your relationship that he has to openly flirt with someone else? Mido, you don’t deserve that.” You took his hand in yours as you watched tears well up in his angry eyes. A watery laugh bubbled out from his as a sneaky tear slipped down his cheek.

“Y/N I feel so stupid right now! I can’t even muster up the courage to tell him off-”

A hand wrapped tightly around your arm and ripped it away from Midoriya, you winced in pain as it was suddenly ripped in the wrong direction.

“Yo, what the fu-”

“Get your hands off him, freak. He’s my boyfriend, remember?”

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. You stood, your body silently fuming as his words hit your ears. Your arm slightly aching at the socket, adding fuel to the already blazing fire. Who the fuck does this man think he is? You made a mental note to have Todoroki melt your arm off later.

“You’re one to talk! You’ve been all over that guy the entire time we’ve been here! And Mido’s been telling me this isn’t the first time this has happened. You have no right to come up to me, physically injure me, and tell me that I can’t comfort my hurting friend over some douchebag like you. Frankly, I’m fucking disgusted that you had the balls to pull that shit with me.”

Midoriya stood too, his chair screeching as it was pushed back with force. He planted himself between the two of you, a fiery look in his eye as he jutted his chin out to address his “boyfriend”.

“You can play with my heart all you want. You can keep making me skip my classes. You can keep pressuring me to do stuff I don’t want to. You can keep making me jealous. You can keep flirting with other guys. But you, hurting one of my best friends, crosses the line. You need to go. Don’t bother trying to contact me, as of now, you’re nothing to me.”

Before the weasel can so much as object, Midoriya gathered everything from your abandoned table, took your hand, and rushed out of the coffee shop. 

The two of you walked in silence for a couple of blocks, Midoriya’s hand still gripping yours like his life depended on it. Causing your cheeks to flush and your heart to accelerate even more than it already has.

“M-Midoriya, I think we’re good.. now” 

The boy suddenly stopped, causing you to crash into his back. A small ow sounded from you, your hand rubbing your nose while you silently cursed the literal brick house in front of you. How could a sweet, innocent guy like Midoriya be so fuckin’ stacked?

“Y/N.. thank you for sticking up for me back there.. I know I wouldn’t have had the confidence to tell him off if you weren’t there to do it first.” 

“It was no problem, Mido! What’re friends for?”

“Haha yeah.. Friends..”

Todoroki Shouto:

It was around 3 AM. Honestly, you weren’t really sure what time it was exactly but what you were sure of was the fact that it was way past your bedtime. You wanted nothing more than to collapse onto your bed without a second thought but you couldn’t ignore your growling stomach. So, you were posted in front of the microwave like a soldier guarding a princess, waiting for your good ‘ol cuppa mac n cheese to finish.

You heard the front door to the dorms open and shut, two pairs of wobbly footsteps entering with angry shushes accompanying them. You moved from your position, making your way out of the kitchen and towards the two people trying, and failing, to keep quiet.

“Todoroki? What’re you doing here so late? Shouldn’t you be in-”

The other person shushed you, eyebrows set in a tired frown as they clung to Todoroki desperately. Something was off.

“What the fuck’re you so loud for? Shove off why don’t you? It’s none of your business.” 

You were shocked to the point where you couldn’t get a clever retort in even if you tried. Which pained you. But, you couldn’t leave it at that. You would’ve loved to pretend like you didn’t see them, but you couldn’t ignore Todoroki’s look of displeasure on his usually calm, beautiful face.

“Dude, as much as I would like to ignore you for the rest of my life, I can’t just let you drag around Todoroki like that. Can’t you tell he’s uncomfortable?”

They just rolled their eyes, hands tightening on Todoroki’s shirt possessively. You felt your own hands ball into fists, your patience thinning in the company of the little troll.

“Like I said, it’s none of your business.” Their response rewarded a scoff from you, you refused to let them get away with whatever they were trying to do. It didn’t seem right, not one bit.

“Um. But it is my business. Todoroki’s my friend and I’m not gonna leave you alone until you leave him alone.”

“Ha!” They barked, hand fluttering onto their chest haughtily. “You think he’d rather be with you? What, you confused or something? He’s dating me, smartass. Not you.”

“Actually, I’d much rather be with Y/N right now.. If you don’t mind.” Todoroki’s speech was slightly slurred as he spoke, his eyes barely following your movements as he slumped over.

His date physically recoiled, an incredulous look painting their already angry features as they pushed the drunk boy onto you without any care.

“Fine, like I care. When you come to your fucking senses, I’ll be in my room.”

With a huff, they were gone. You were left with the barely sober man who slowly wrapped his arms around you, using you as his support while the two of you stood without a word.

A million thoughts were racing through your mind as you assessed the situation. Todoroki and his date came super late into the dorms, drunk. His date tried to get him up into one of their respective rooms, together. The thought made your skin crawl, hoping the events that would’ve transpired were more innocent than you thought. 

Todoroki shifted in your arm, his face nuzzling into your neck with his hot breath fanning against your cool skin.

“Um- uhh, Todoroki? Do you want me to take you to your room? You should sleep, it’s super late.”

The boy hummed, his face burrowing deeper into your neck, making a surprised squeal erupt from your lips while goosebumps exploded onto your skin. You felt hot, your whole body burning from the sudden affection.

“No.. I’d rather be right. Here.” The boy said it with such finality you wondered if he’d sobered up right then and there. You wished he did though, he was getting heavier and heavier in your arms. You would be surprised if the two of you didn’t collapse onto the floor.

“Todo, you’re drunk, please lemme take you upstairs.”

He let out a small whine, his hands wrapping around you tighter. He shook his head no while still buried in your neck, tickling you and causing you to giggle. Oh man, he was going to be the death of you. With a defeated sigh, you ran your fingers through his hair to try and appease the drunk brat latched onto you.

“I like you better than them, Y/N. You’re nice to me and don’t make me go out clubbing every night.”

Your heart raced, the hand in his hair stopping its ministrations to process the words that had just came out of your drunk companion. This was a usual thing, wasn’t it? The poor boy must always be tired. Come to think of it, there has been some uncharacteristic dark circles under his eyes lately. You wanted to sleep with him every night to make sure he was getting a good night’s sleep.

“Todo, if you don’t like them, break up with them. It’s that simple.”

He moved his face from it’s spot in your neck and rested his chin on your sternum, mismatched eyes staring into yours earnestly.

“If I do, can I be with you instead?”

Shinsou Hitoshi:

You knew you were being creepy. You could feel it in your bones. The creep factor was up by 50% with the way you were slinking around in the library. You couldn’t help it though, you knew something was up as soon as you saw them walk in.

You watched with narrowed eyes as Shinsou and his girlfriend walked through the library. Shinsou looked as passive as always, but you knew him better than that. You could practically feel the discomfort coming off him in waves. 

You wanted to confront them but something was stopping you. You knew you couldn’t just come up to the two and start accusing his girlfriend of something you don’t know anything about. You didn’t want to make a scene. Yet. So, like the nosy bitch you were, you decided to snoop.

“Hitoshi, just use your quirk, yeah? Do it for me? Please?” The way she pranced around him and hung onto his arm for dear life made you want to gag. But you were more concerned about her trying to coerce Shinsou to use his quirk.

For what? What was she trying to accomplish? Did she want something from someone? Why were they in the library? What was the point of all this?

“You know I’m not comfortable with using my quirk for things like that, so why do you keep asking?”

“Well, you’re my boyfriend, shouldn’t you make an exception for me? It’s not like you’ve denied me before.”

You furrowed your brow. She’s been making him use his quirk without his full consent? Why would he let her do that? You found the whole thing to be completely and utterly. Whack. You really didn’t understand what was happening so you continued your snooping adventure.

“Yeah, well, I just don’t wanna do it anymore. Like, you keep making me use my quirk for villainous shit. You do realize I’m trying to prove to everyone that it could be used for heroing too, right? You’re my girlfriend, shouldn't you understand?”

Hearing him use her own words against her made your chest swell with pride. Fuck yeah, Shinsou baby, tell that bitch what’s up. But then you felt it sink right back down after processing his words. She’s been making him use his quirk, with dubious consent, for villainous activities? That’s more than whack. She’s in a school for heroes for crying out loud, surely she’d know better than that?

“Hitoshi, it’s all just a little bit of fun! We’re not hurting anybody, and nobody knows its us! it’s a win-win if I do say so myself.”

At this point, you couldn’t keep yourself concealed, you had to give her a piece of your mind. You sprang from your hiding spot and rushed towards the two, an accusing finger pointing right at the little gremlin woman who claimed to be Shinou’s lovely girlfriend.

“Listen up ya little wench, I think you’re gross for trying to use my buddy Shinsou for your little games! How could you do that? Shinsou’s such a genuine person trying to be a hero and here you are ruining it for him! You make me sick!”

She all but huffed before stomping away, flipping you off behind her back and motioning between her and Shinsou before making a heart and breaking it. 

“Did she just break up with me?”

His casual nonchalance at the whole fiasco caused a cackle to erupt from your chest, hand slapping at his hard chest as you fought your raucous giggles.

“Good riddance! I couldn’t stand to hear her babble on any longer.” You huffed and crossed your arms, making sure to stick your tongue out at her retreating form.

“So.. you were spying on me.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah? And? I could smell her bad intentions from a mile away, you should thank me.”

“How about I thank you over some dinner?”

[fairylollies]

If I Eat..

It’s my 2nd day of nuts and breath mints, and who knows how long I’ve been undernourished. When was my last real meal? When was the last time I ate 3 meals, and 3 snacks? I can’t remember anymore. I’m stuck in my room for the second day trapped by feelings of being unworthy, undeserving and unlikable. This is what I’ve always done since I was little. Since I felt unwanted.

I’m not sure mother ever loved me. I have so much trauma with her alone. Her disgust for me started when I was a little bean inside of her. An innocent small soul. My doctors have suggested to me my mother must also suffer from a mental illness for her to have believed the woman who told her while she was pregnant with me, that her baby would be evil. From the time I was in her womb, my mother has been afraid of me, and perhaps even then I was able to feel her rage, her disappointment, and disgust of me.

I think this is the strikingly honest and painful narrative I must get used to telling myself in order to fully heal. I’ve got to be honest with myself about when this pain really started within me. It’s important for me to come to terms with what has been an unbearable truth for the last 29 years, so I can clearly communicate to my treatment team what I need. And with my closest friends who’ve been kept in the dark, so they can understand why life becomes unbearably difficult for me, why i want to give up, and at my worst, want to kill myself. Most of all, it’ll help me be kind to myself so I can give myself the soothing gentle healing and love I missed out on. I must be honest and bring to light the pain that feels so shameful and entirely my fault. It’ll help us all know why pursuing a dream, or having motivation at all is something I struggle with on a daily basis. It explains why my ability to take care of my basic needs has been stunted for so long. Instead of putting on a smile and continuing the perfect family narrative my mother and siblings have put on for decades, I with hope, will finally feel safe enough to rest in my truth. I can without fear of retaliation or blame, be brave and tell those closest to me my story.

The truth is my mother didn’t bond with me as a baby. Unfortunately, as a small newborn, my mother looked at me with confusion and discontent. She tells the story of how I came out sucking and looking for her teat. I was hungry to which this made her laugh. It still makes her laugh. This was the punchline during a family BBQ. I never thought much of this, except for how embarrassing this story is, but something inside me told me to hold on to this. This clear memory from my mother has finally cemented in me: She made fun of me the moment I arrived. She didn’t rejoice in my birth like other mothers do. My insecurity around love, safety, and food started during my first minutes of life. 

It feels like I’m exaggerating every time I tell the story of my birth. Like I’m being dramatic, and reading too far into it, but it’s all true. This was my experience. And my experience is valid.

By 15, my eating disorder had begun. I was constantly critisized by my mother, constantly punished for being a kid, wanting sleepovers and friends. The emotional abuse I experienced by her and her twin would scar me. I had been shoved in and out of grades and schools, lost childhood friends.Wearing baggy clothes and wearing a rape whistle wasn’t enough to keep men from being inappropriate with me. I had grown to hate my changing body that brought so much attention, and at times even danger, that by 15, throwing up and damagin my throat seemed like the a good way to cause pain that I could hide.

Here I am now, 29 and still in pain. Still unable to even get myself to brush my teeth or use the bathroom. I don’t feel as though I have a right to my body, or to the life that is ticking along infront of me. It’s only been 3 years that I’ve started even using the term emotional abuse. A part of me has been waiting for mummy to tell me what she did to hurt me. I’ve had to learn from therapists and doctors that I cannot rely on my mother for anything. Not for my education, not for money, not for dentist appointments, not for love, not for support, not even a safe house to live in. This is my story. 

My eating disorder manifested because of my non-existent foundational relationship with my mother. I always related to stories of unwanted children, even stories like The Ugly Ducking, but I never really knew why, until now. As though I’ve carried some kind of stench around me, making me unrecognizable to my own mother. I’ve been outcasted and trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t act like she wants me.

I may appear grownup from the outside: 29, in an apartment, making my own money, paying my bills. And while that is true, I don’t have a sense of self. I don’t have the confidence to try and live fully. Doing basic self-care things are extremely challenging for me. Yes, I have my own life now seperate from my mother’s abuse, but I was never instilled with the power to take agency over my life. The crying child inside me is bawling for my mother to pick me up, to feed me, to potty train me, to love me, to play with me, and to make me feel safe. 

Yes, I must eat to live and find out what I want to do with my time in this world. Yes, I must heal from emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. But there’s a part in my head saying, but even if I eat, I don’t get a mum. Even if I eat, I don’t get the love I missed. Even if I eat, no one will own up to the pain they’ve caused. Even if I eat, I don’t get an apology. Our family won’t be glued magically back together. The only thing left for me after all this, is standing on my own two feet and finding my reason to live, to eat, and live the best life I can. Otherwise, I will die the struggling gray baby bird, trying to keep up with my flock that has left me behind. This is my story. 

These careful words that slip so easily from me that illustrate a child desperate to belong and be loved by her mother is my truth. It is the painful truth that I’ve kept away from the world my whole life out of shame. As if any of this was my fault. 

This is why my eating disorder is so complex. So many traumatic factors fuel the hatred I’ve internalized. My recovery is multifaceted and consists of much more than meal plans, or re-mothering myself. But to start, my physical weakened body needs to heal. The crying child I once was has grown into its adult form. That core of me needs to heal from the abandonment and the ridicule from emotionally absent mother, an abusive aunt, and an absent father. 

This will be my greatest achievement if I can do this, and heal, find a place for me in the world. The task at hand has always seemed too great, and thus I continue to starve. I don’t know if I will fully recover, and move past this wound..but I would like to. I would like to be happier, and to get pointe shoes, and have a loving partner and a small manageable family. I would like to put all this pain to rest.