#she loses the morals that made her original self leave and becomes bitter and aggressive to anyone she sees as dangerous

[secondhand-sonder]

girls when the kindness is still there despite everything

[honestlyhufflepuff]

Taking a closer look at “Why So Blue”

This episode was a lovely break from Steven’s “baggage,” instead focusing on the growth Lapis has had. It was visually beautiful, with a touching new song from Lapis, and an interesting contrast from gems that remind her of her old self.

However, I feel this episode has been a little neglected in the fandom as far as the things it tells us about Steven and the world around him. Remember, Future is primarily about Steven’s arc and anything revealed about another character is bound to reveal something about him as well. “Why So blue” has been overshadowed by more dramatic episodes that had Steven’s anger and negative feelings at the forefront. This is no surprise, as seeing Steven’s issues manifesting so intensely is still such a new thing for the fans to process. This episode has Steven acting closer to his lighthearted, optimistic “old self” than any other one in SUF, and I wanted to delve into the implications of that. Let’s break down some things the episode establishes…

1. Despite his “outbursts,” Steven is still a Pacifist at heart.

This look was all it took for Lapis to regain control of herself. In this episode- this moment- is when he really seemed the most like “Classic Steven.” He’s not shouting at her to stop, or joining in the fight. He is just believing in Lapis’s growth and giving her the space to come around on her own. I don’t think the Steven we saw in “Guidance” would have done that. Part of this shift is due to his personal growth, but it’s also probably because he is falling back into his old role of pacifying hostile gems, which is what he knows best and what he’s comfortable with. That isn’t healthy, especially considering how much we’ve seen him panic when he doesn’t have someone to fix in later eps. However, it’s still a relief to see that fighting is not his first recourse despite his new “pink” powers making an appearance almost every episode.

2. Our Lapis is far stronger than your average Lapis. It is unclear if she was designed to be this way or if it is a result of her trials. Regardless, the Crystal Gems should be very grateful she’s on their side. She has the potential to rival a Diamond in combat.

She fixin’ to mess y’all up.

3. Steven has had growth over the course of SUF.

I bring this up because I think even though Steven is facing a very real personal crisis regarding his growth, he’s still had positive changes since the original series, and since the start of Future.

Lapis: I wish I hadn’t done that. They just remind me so much of myself. It’s infuriating.

Steven: Give yourself a break. You’ve grown a lot. It’s not your fault they’re stuck in their ways.

Contrast Steven’s attitude in this scene with his attitude towards Jasper back in Little Homeschool, after agonizing about his inability to change her:

Are you just going to sit here…waiting for someone to give you a purpose? Because I’m TRYING to give you one!

There have been obvious parallels between Jasper and Steven in this series, as Jasper is possibly the only character almost as stuck in the past as Steven is. I don’t know if Steven is self aware enough to realize that Jasper set him off so easily because he saw himself in her, like Lapis did in the HW Lapises. What he has realized is that not all gems will change in the way he imagined they should, and that’s ok. Him and Jasper, as far as we know, are not exactly friends, but they have an understanding of each other. Jasper may always be stuck in her ways, and Steven has apparently made peace with the fact that her bitterness is not his burden. He even sees value in the fact that she sees the world differently from him, and wants to learn from her.

This was a huge point of growth for Steven. All he did through the main series was try to fix people, and it’s obviously taken a toll on him. The only problem is now that he’s let go of his need to fix others by leaving Little Homeschool, he doesn’t know how to do anything else.

Steven has moments of self awareness regarding his issues (in between all the repression, avoidance, and denial) throughout SUF. One is in this moment with with Lapis, where he articulates that you can’t blame yourself for someone else not wanting to change and grow. He admitted to the Rose Quartzes that he’s “not fine,” but vehemently says the opposite to anyone else. He admits to Pink Pearl that he has “baggage,” although he won’t elaborate. He admits to Amethyst that his need to control others is a problem. He admits to his friends- under extreme duress and prodding- that he is having a hard time coping with cange. He opens up to “Cactus Steven” more than anyone, but after how that turned out the next time he opens up won’t come very easily.

My point is, Steven is still growing as a person, but it is a slow process due to all the trauma he is processing, compounded with having powers just as volatile as his emotions are.

4. HW gems are having a hard time letting go of the old caste system.

He’s half Diamond. Maybe we should half listen.

If the Lapises were really listening to Steven in the first place, then their primary motivation for listening to him would not be him being “half diamond.” The whole point of him overthrowing the empire was to create an equal society where Diamonds wouldn’t dictate what everyone does anymore.

How can the thing we’ve always done just suddenly be wrong?

Everyone is having trouble adjusting to this new equality in practice, including Steven. This is a massive, ancient, complex dictatorship that is now adjusting to a new government created by a human teenager. A Diamond is the one teaching and leading the new way things work, so of course it’s a mixed message for HW gems who have him telling them everyone is equal, but also that they no longer can do what they want to if it impedes his vision. I certainly wouldn’t want to be in Steven’s position. It would make most people uncomfortable to tell someone that the thing they were created for- that they also take joy and pride in- is now not only obsolete but morally wrong. Hooray for minors dealing with the nuances of cultural sensitivity in their galactic imperialism!

“He’s smaller than I thought.

Funny that this was the same thing said by the Rose Quartzes. It’s probably hard for any gem to imagine a Diamond that is not massive and imposing, but Steven is still pretty small even for a human (and still shorter than Connie). I can imagine this is why Jasper was so quick to reject him as her Diamond. Steven does not project the towering picture of immortal and flawless power as the other Diamonds have, and this is inevitably disappointing to gems that have long valued that image.

You really expect us to dance and sing like Pearls?

Gem society was not lacking in the arts, but they were strictly reserved for the elite and those who served to perform for them.

It’s interesting that Peridot had no idea what music was, and I presume this is because she was in a lower status than Lapis. The problem is not that the HW Lapises were unaware of artistic expression, but that they found it beneath them. The Lapises take pride in being instruments of power and destruction, the opposite of how everyone perceives Pearls. It’s no surprise they perceived such a heartfelt song from a fellow Lapis as “pitiful.”

Despite the fact that Pearls were very close to those in power, they had none of their own, and even Peridot considered herself above them when she first arrived from Homeworld. Pearls were created to be objects. Status symbols. Pretty little ornaments. Music boxes. And gems created for more “practical” purposes than entertaining the elite and opening doors would see anything associated with Pearls as beneath them.

5. Hot take: Lapis’s approach wasn’t totally in the wrong.

Lapis: We’ve just got to force them to stop. They’re not nice like me.

Steven: Ummm *avoids eye contact*

Lapis: Exactly.

The HW Lapises- much like Jasper- valued physical power over other virtues. Lapis beat herself up a lot for her loss of restraint, but communicating a bit with a show of the type of power the Lapises valued was enough to get them to listen. Steven’s approach alone clearly wasn’t working.

Sometimes people think so differently from you that you have to meet them halfway to have any hope of getting through to them. Steven did this when he agreed to fight Jasper.

I think the main reason he feared Lapis taking this approach was because he knew her past. He knew how hard she was to reign in once she got started, and how drastic she could be in confrontation. I mean, that’s why we have the entire Malachite story arc.

Restraint takes strength! Patience takes strength! Ugh, I don’t have the strength to deal with you.

However, Lapis has grown past that stage of her life, where her trauma ruled all her interactions with others. She has friends- like Steven and Peridot- who keep her grounded. She has developed healthy coping skills and outlets for her processing her emotions. This is why is so concerning to see Steven doing the opposite. The more fragile his mental state becomes, the more he distances himself from his closest friends and interests.

Lapis had the self awareness to realize she was slipping into old habits and losing control, and removed herself from the situation to cool down. That is huge for her.

Not every gem is going to want to go to Little Homeschool, and there’s probably a lot of them that still like fighting and destruction- especially if that’s what they were made for. Era 3 is so bent on avoiding violence that there isn’t really an outlet for pent up aggression (which Steven could use as well, btw). I think starting up some kind of gem dojo would be a great alternative instead of just expecting every gem to like the “softer” things like dancing and making meep morp.

Also, just imagine Jasper as a dojo master. Hell yeah.

6. Most people probably do not realize that Steven is struggling.

Wow, Steven. It took you a whole 5 seconds to make a new friend. You’re getting rusty.

I found this quote from Lapis telling. She still sees Steven as being able to make and keep friends effortlessly. In “Room for Ruby,” she was actually relieved to hear Ruby’s immediate love for earth was all an act, laughing and saying “No one could be that well adjusted.” The only exception to this rule for her seems to be Steven. She looks to him for stability, just like she did in the fight with the other Lapises.

In reality, Steven is terrified of his friends moving on and changing, while also being resentful if they don’t recognize he has changed. He has unresolved trauma that is eating away at him and causing him to have emotions he doesn’t know how to handle. However, most people probably see Steven as he presented in “Why So Blue-” gentle, charismatic, and carefree. It is not uncommon with mental illness to be “high functioning” in public and then come undone the moment you are home around your immediate family.

Even after the very public display of his stress in “Little Graduation,” none of his friends were like “dude, you’re scaring me, please go to therapy.” They saw one incident, but not the whole picture, so none of them seemed to really grasp how bad things are going for him. This is because Steven is still pretty adept at putting up a positive front most of the time.

***

Anyways, I just wanted to revisit this episode and give it some love. Feel free to RB and tell me things you noticed about it that I may have missed!

[two-faces-story]

Two Faces - Chapter 1

From the Journal of Doctor Jekyll

Wattpad link in FAQ

     September 11th

     Once again, I find myself lost in some sort of unsourced misery. It weighs on my soul like an anchor, muddies my thoughts and actions, time passes strangely and sleep eludes me like a forgotten dream. Each action and thought become a war or self control, for I know there are far easier ways to abandon this sorrow than to wait for it to pass.

     Despite the exhaustion and regret that comes with it, I long for the days recently past where energy and drive were not in question. Days without sleep, hell-bent on discovery and innovation, reinvention of modern medicine, and when nothing remained to do, I made my own fun.

     But no fun can lift my spirits now. I may smile, or even laugh, but my mind is burdened with a curse of the soul like few others. I have no doubt some fault in my own mind is the cause of this continually returning waves of grief and intensity that have plagued me since late childhood. Recent research has lead me to believe it is no fault of my actions or my mother before me, but of my mind in of itself.

     I have spent many years learning all I could of chemistry, selfishly hoping to find some archaic chemical that might alter my state of mind to rid myself of this melancholy. I have tried medicines and treatments of many kinds, finding that many of them do not help my sorrow or worse, drive my manic episodes to the brink of insanity. I recall returning to my senses after one such experiment to find my lab in shambles and my hands further cut by shattered glass.

     Miss Violet Poole was kinder to me than I deserved, bandaging my hands and cleaning my laboratory when I could hardly stand, despite how clearly shaken she was. I thanked her profusely and made an effort to give her some time off following the event that she might recover from whatever I had done to terrify her so badly. Upon waking from the influence of the lithium, I had found her in such a state of panic that I had never witnessed in all her time under my employ.

     Given her time here, she understands my moods like few others and has thus left me to my devices as this familiar shadow of the mind sets in.

     I wish this darkness did not exhaust me so greatly, for I'm days away from what I'm certain will be an incredible discovery. In my lifelong search for the cure to my ailment, I believe I have discovered a new mineral that could aid me greatly. A fellow chemist sent me a package from somewhere beyond India containing an absurd number of large jars filled with a bitter tasting salt.

     The letter explained that, according to the people who lived in the area from which this salt was mined, it was known to give energy and new life to individuals with conditions like mine. As fantastic as it sounded, I was enthused to test it in my experiments and, at the time, fueled by that insatiable energy that I am so familiar with. For days I have been examining it to determine chemical impurities and comparing it to lithium and other medicines to determine what effects it could have on the mind. I had planned to spend this day testing a solution made with the salt on rats caught off the street, yet I have not even the energy to leave my bed for more than the most basic hygiene needs.

     I find myself pondering dark and sinful things as I lay here, thoughts so often ignored , louder than ever. It is clear to me that I must never allow myself to succumb to these ideas and memories, the scars on my wrists are enough of a reminder that I have a life to live and these horrid dreams and ideations are nothing more than that.

     If I won't live for myself, then for others. I am a doctor after all I have a responsibility to uphold, despite how my heart and soul protest.

     September 12th

     With Poole's assistance and encouragement, I steeled myself and continued work on my experiments this morning after she arrived with news of where we could acquire mice. Skipping the tedium of bargaining for street rats, the solution seemed to make the rats first very confused and lethargic, then after some painful shrieking they seemed much more energetic and easily angered. This wore off after a few hours and a second dose seemed to produce the same results without much difference.

     I intend to make a serum that, with prolonged dosage, could make the change to the more energetic state of mind and body permanent, thus banishing the melancholy and exhaustion that plagues my mind so often.

     If I am successful, I will never lose time to this grief again, I will be unstoppable.

     September 14th

     Attempts to make the energy changes seen in the rats a permanent phenomenon has been met with an interesting turn of events. After continuous dosage for almost two days it is clear that the two energetic states are actually two different personalities it seems.

     The energetic half is more violent and desperate, biting at me and attempting numerous tries at escape, similar to their behavior pre-serum, but more aggressive. When the effects of the serum have finally worn off, it leaves behind a seemingly kinder and more domesticated personality that seems far more pet-like than a wild rat should be.

      Perhaps there is a way to isolate this kinder personality while also keeping the more energetic state of the more wild half?

     September 17th

     Work has been slow, I have become more and more exhausted as the days pass. Progress has been made and the mice are remaining both docile and energetic for longer and longer. Likewise, in another test group with but two rats, I have been able to isolate the more wild personality, the original rat mindset it would seem. But the effects are not permanent, something I intend to fix.

     I can only imagine that the effects I am seeing are due to their small bodies and even smaller brains causing the change to take place at an accelerated rate.

     I believe I have the serum nearly perfected, but a test on a larger animal is required before I even dare to consider testing on a human. If I can manage, I will travel to the nearest pound and find a dog or cat of moderate health to serve as a test subject. Indeed, in some minds this is immoral and cruel, but for the sake of science some boundaries must be crossed.

     During a particularly dismal period this afternoon, Ms. Poole sent for my good friends Jacob Lanyon and Gabriel Utterson in hopes of lifting my spirits. We convened in the parlor and talked for many hours over wine, and though I did enjoy myself while they were here, I found myself quite irritated with Lanyon after he began to laugh at my recent experiments.

     He warned me about becoming obsessed with another fairytale, saying my search for this cure to my mania would either kill me or someone else, and I certainly believe him. However, I choose to ignore such risks in favor of knowing that many lives, firstly mine, could be dramatically improved if I perfect this. He didn't listen when I began to describe the personality altering aspects of the serum and I became positively livid.

     Of course, I am too much a gentleman to  ever insult someone so valuable as Lanyon, so I held my tongue.

     Utterson was quite supportive of my idea, on the other hand. A lover of the interesting and curious, I knew he would be. I will need his assistance if I ever to seek to move forward with human testing, as he is part of the St. Luke's Hospital governing board. However, he was much concerned for my physical and mental health, urging me to take a break, join him for a weekend at his country home outside of the city and becoming slightly morose when I denied this request.

      I believe most of what he said was in his judicial nature to try and diffuse the tension between Lanyon and I by changing the subject. He knows how to handle an argument as well as understand both sides of an argument. And while it is commendable, he's rather irritating when he tries to play neutral at all times without taking sides. It would be far easier if he took a side and aided me in convincing Lanyon for his assistance in my experiment.

     Alas, it is unchangeable now. Lanyon is loyal, incredibly intelligent, but an idealistic optimist when it comes to health and morality, I don't blame him for thinking I am mad, it sounds like the mad ravings of a dreamer. And there is little room for dreams of this scale in Lanyon's world, he thinks so critically and scientifically of things.

     But he'll see.

     September 19th

     The mice have become completely docile, to my endless delight, but it was clearly not without consequence for all of them seem exhausted and noticeably melancholic. This, does not bode well for me. Similar effects were present in the other rats despite my efforts to keep them in the energetic state. However, they are swiftly recovering and have become very sweet and docile.

      I'm considering keeping them as pets at this point.

     Regardless, all of this has lead me to wonder if I am coming at this experiment from the wrong direction. Originally I sought to rid myself of my melancholy but instead found a way to rid oneself of cruelty and anger, turning wild street rats into sweet pets. I am curious what the effects would be on a person, would it erase cruelty and vileness from a person's personality? And what of melancholy? Would that be erased too?

     We shall see, I suppose, after we see the effects of the serum on a dog. A mutt, healthy enough, with a strong bite that has resulted in my left hand being thoroughly bandaged, hopefully he will be as sweet as the mice within a few days.

     September 23rd

     This is going to be far more difficult than I had anticipated. In order to test the dog, he must be first sedated and then restrained by Poole and myself to prevent either of us from getting bit.

      Again.

     Beyond that, it's impossible to tell if the serum is having an effect while the dog is so sedated, and by the time he wakes up it is impossible to tell!

     Despite this, the results are following the same changes as seen in the mice. However, the dog seems noticeably more melancholic in his original state as opposed to being energetic, while his second state is almost puppy-like.

      I have been feeling slightly better myself, though the shadow of melancholy has not left me yet. I am curious to see how much I can complete should I return to my more manic state before the experiments have been completed.

     Hope of finally being free from my melancholic mindsets has kept me afloat these past days, accompanied by the growing hope of creating a kinder world with myself at the head. All so perfect seeming, yet I know it is not possible until I perfect my serum, and even then it is unlikely it would have an affect on the scale I dream of.

     But I must not give up on such dreams, nor should I indulge them too deeply. I have limited salt, already having consumed a whole jar in the beginning phases of the experiments and now halfway through another. My friend in India has likely moved on and I highly doubt I should be able to get in contact with him should I run out.

     I can only hope it, the supply, won't run out before then.

     September 25th

     Given my good progress with the dog, it now is able to roam the house freely as it does not attack Poole or myself, I am finally ready to present my findings to the board at St. Luke's. Last night over dinner I discussed the meeting with Gabriel and he insisted I need not worry about setting up a meeting with the board.

      It's not that that concerns me.

      I am concerned the Board will not believe me and deny my request for a human test subject, even someone from the psychiatric ward. I am fully aware of the immorality of my request, to test such dangerous and mind-altering chemicals on someone who might not be able to deny it is horrid, I am fully aware. But it is necessary to determine if I should further alter the serum for human consumption.

      Additionally, even a mentally deranged individual could provide useful data concerning the transformation itself.

      Is it painful? Does the second personality recognize itself as someone else or is it more like the effects of some sort of intoxicant where you merely act different because you forget things? So many questions that simply cannot be answered without human testing.

     I will go tomorrow with Gabriel and discuss this with the board. I have a plan, an opportunity to do good and not even the deepest of melancholy will stop me now.