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estradioltone · 4 years

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Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

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0iqgremlin · 6 years

Text

I wrote the best fanfic ever

the world we live in. it's so... wonderous. mysterious. even magical. no... no no no.. not that world. i meant this one. the smartphone. each system and program app is it's own little planet of perfect. technology. all providing services so necessary, so crucial, so unbelievably profound. look who just sent me a text! addie mccallister? it must be a mistake. or a joke. or a scam! don't send her your social security number. she's right there! that's our user, alex. and, like every freshman in high school, his whole life, everything, revolves around his phone. and, because the pace of life gets, faster and faster... phones down in five. and attention spans get shorter and shorter... and... you're probably not even listening to me right now. who has the time to type out actual words? and that's where we come in. the most important invention in the history of communication! emo gees. that's my home! textopolis. here, each of us does one thing, and we have to nail it every time. christmas tree just has to stand there, all festive. merry christmas! it's still september, tim! and princesses... i am so pretty. they just gotta wear their crowns and keep their hair comb. we are so pretty. devil, poop, thumbs up, they just show up and they're good to go. but for the faces, the pressure is on. cryer always has to cry, even if he just won the lottery. hurray, i'm a millionaire! laugher's always laughing, even if he's just broken his arm. ahh!! ah! i can see the bone!! ah ah ah ah ah... and me, i'm a meh. so i gotta totally be over it all the time, you know? like meh, who cares. which is not as easy as it sounds. i gotta be mehhhhhhhhh i GOTTA! be! mehhhhhhhhh morning misses D, i see you have the little minis with ya! oh, they're so... cute! NYAH, SO ADORABLE, I CAN'T TAKE IT! I WILL NEVER GET THEM TO SLEEP! STICK TO YOUR ONE FACE, WEIRDO. OLE! OLE! OH NO! OH NO! it's hard to only act blasé. when, living in textopolis is.... just so exciting! hah low good simeans! those ah some shalp attach shays! yes, well we have business to attend to. whot kind off business? monkey business. ha ha ha ha, i sounded british. meh... Oh, that was really good.. meh ? meh ... meh ha ha... what the freak ya doing there, mate? practicing. today is my first day on the phone. oh, droit. i'm gonna be so.. meh. what are you going to do? blah! me and the boys are gonna throw ourselves on the barbie! woo! puh-zow! gooday, mate! hey, koh knee chee wah! sorry emote icons!! oh, I hate knocking over the elderly.. let me help, let me help... oh, my colon!!! ducks... hey, is that the time? HEY, my eyes are up here, pal! woo ooh hoo! woo hoo! right on time! and last week, Alex sent me next to THIS text! huh? huh? HA HA HA THAT ELEPHANT PISSED HIMSELF HA HA HA AH HAH HA HAH HAH UH HUH HUH why are YOU laughing, freak? ho ho ha ha ha! now, unlike me, my parents are total pros. gene, please tell me you weren't laughing just now. gene so help me i swear oh, he was, I remember. let's go see if you can get it right. i have some bad news, gene, and i'm afraid that you'll have the wrong reaction. ok, what's the wrong reaction? anything other than meh. come on! i don't want to be late! i'm not letting you go to work today. wait, WHAT? you're just not ready, son. come on!! working in a cube is an Emoji's whole purpose in life! everybody my age is working on the phone except for me! oh sweetie, that's not true. ow! YEAH! i'm going to work on the phone and I'm only ten! that's because I believe in you! should we wash our hands? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! we're number two! we're number two! see? i, i know i'm different, ok? but, i need to... i can be meh... i just... want to be a working emoji, you know, like... everybody else... and then... i would finally fit in, you know? ah, you fit in, honey. no I don't, mom. I never have. but I could change all that if you just let me! just give me a chance! but what if you get sent out on the phone, making the wrong face? no dad, i'll make the right face! look! maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah? you're so handsome when you make that face. i think he's ready, mel. meh. come on, dad. let me prove it to you. if you really think you're ready... YES! yes i am! i promise i won't let you down! wow! Congratulations, everyone! What an exciting day for all of you! oh, it's really her! oh, pizza! first day on the job, hi, hi! don't be nervous! i won't bite! hi, i'm smiler! ho ho ho ho ho... DON'T TOUCH ME! Hi! i mean.. hey.. as you know, i'm smiler, i'm the system supervisor here, because I was the original emoji. here's how it works. it's nothing fancy! wait a minute... it's really fancy! you each have your own cube on the emoji bar! if alex chooses you, should you be so lucky, your cube will light up! it's showtime! the scanner will scan you, and that scan will get sent right up to alex's text box. and let me tell you guys, there is nothing like getting scanned for the first time. a har, you're gonna love it. now over here is the favorites section, where you'll find all the most popular emo gees. and of course, you'll find my cube here. whoo. you are smooth. just doing my duty. ha ha ha! what did i say? come on, tell me you aren't just a little bit tempted? steven, for the last time, i don't want to buy a timeshare. come on, man, it's high five! you know me! i'm a favorite! Alex hasn't picked you in weeks. when he stops picking you, you're no longer a favorite. there's gotta be some sort of mistake, i mean, look at me, i'm an attractive, hand-giving high five! oh! fistbump! come on in! hey, ladies! FISTBUMP? he's a knucklehead! literally! look at him, I can look like that! ugh, ow, cramp.. big mistake.. oh... help me.. help up a hand.. oh... here you go... thanks mate... hey, little man, how about you create a distraction, and i'll just slip under the rope! uh, oh, is someone lost? smiler, hiya, just leaving. yeah, you know, just killing time before i go back to my cube in the far corner where Alex can't even See Me ANYMORE! you may not be a favorite anymore, but you will always have a place, in a cube! yeah, in the nosebleeds... uh, i'm standing right here? words hurt. the most important thing I can tell you is to just be yourself... basically, happy itself... i am always smiling... places, please! emo gees to your cubes! attention, we've got incoming! gotta be meh, gotta be meh. oh my gosh, my own cube! i can't believe it... oh, i could put a plant over here, and over here could go an inspirational calendar, okay, gotta be meh... look at our son get on there, i'm beaming... with pride! you don't think he'll actually get picked, do you? heiroglyphics. heiroglyphics was an ancient language of picture forms. does that remind anyone of anything. hello. a language of pictures... anyone? early heiroglyphics back in ancient... i gotta reply to addie's text! what should i write? nothing! nothing? words aren't cool. ok, be cool, be cool... alright, alex is not sure how he wants to play this... oh! i would really love it to be me! beam me up! beam me up! i need thumbs up on standby! oh yeah! thumbs up is going in! wait! alex is changing his mind! he's moving! ok, looks like it's gonna be meh... i'm so nervous, i could almost shrug. we are go for meh! initiating scan! okay, you can do this. ah! i can't do this! i can't do it! stop the scan! i can't, it's too late! oh! what's he doing? he's making the wrong face! good for him, little... wait, what? ugh. abort, abort! oh, shi... shut it down, shut it down! ah! what is that emoji? all the emo gees present, evacuate the cube! evacuate the cube! i gotta get out of here! i'm trying! oh, jeez. sorry, everybody. that is not what i meant to do! i kinda.. i kinda panicked.. are you even a meh at all? uh, who, me? like you are, is a malfunction! a malfunction? no, i can be meh, just give me one more chance? you know what would be really fun? a board meeting, where we can find out what to do with you! i just wanted to be useful, you know, fit in! now everybody's calling me a malfunction. i am a malfunction. even if you are a malfunction, gene, your mom and dad still love ya. i knew you weren't ready. let's get you out of here and take you home. one day, all of this will blow over, and everyone will almost forget about what you did. until then, you should probably stay locked up in the apartment. wait, you're gonna hide me away? you're embarrased of me. it's for your own safety. we're trying to protect you, son. gene, where are you going? i'm not going to run away from this. i'm an emoji, and, even though i'm not exactly sure which one... i've gotta have some sort of purpose here, i know it. gene, no! sweetie, please! so, how'd it go, gavel? hey, lightbulb, tell me what's going on in there. what... poop... what is it? tell me turd, tell me truth. what happened? i know it was an accident. we all have accidents you're so soft, poop. not too soft, i hope. i came up here to defend myself, but, uh, you seem pretty happy. so, good news? i'm always happy. oh, right, yeah, truth. but the only thing that could ever make me unhappy, is if one of our emo gees has made a mistake. which would cause alex to lose faith in the phone... and then, our whole gets wiped out! smiler, i devil pinky swear promise to you that i will never, ever make a mistake in the cube again. oh, we know you won't, gene. we know you won't! ha ha, you know, the first time you said it it sounded genuine, but then you repeated it, and, and then, now it's weird. we're setting you up! with our best anti virus bots! so they'll, like, uh, they'll just, they're gonna fix me? actually, delete you. but yes! wait, what? if you get deleted, you don't have to worry about department heads, or the future, or lying about being a malfunction! because you're deleted, right? right! good job! bots! no! stop, he's escaped! party time! oh, wait a minute... the air is better here! beer, tea... i'm coffee! sorry... ish... so ish e. my old cube! ugh, pinkeye. mike! my name's not mike... ah! there's AV bots coming! what, me? just because i'm in the wrong section? holy toledo! what do we do? quick! this way! let's go! don't tell anyone you're about to see this. they'll never find us down here. where are we? the basement? nope. welcome to the loser lounge, where the emo gees who never get used, hang out. go fish! fishcake with swirls sweep so you won't cry. sweep so you won't cry. sweep so you won't cry. i almost got deleted! me! high five! hey, what's up high five? they weren't trying to delete you, they were trying to delete me. you? what's so important about you that they'd send out an entire team of bots? they say... i'm a malfunction. gasp oh, you bringing malfunctions in here now, high five? for crying out loud, abandoned luggage, that had better not be my leftover chinese food... uh... what chinese food? huh ha! do you have any idea what it's like to be living large? hashtag blessed? the favorite of the favorites, and then demoted to this pit of despair? here, will you hit my callouses for me? at least you're a working emoji, that's all i ever wanted. well, if that's all it will take you to be satisfied, then just find a hacker and get reprogrammed. it's not that complicated. where would i find a hacker? in the piracy app, duh. ugh. and who took my clear nail polish? piracy app? to get there, i mean, i have to leave textopolis. so? i've done it. would you be a brother. one of the princess emo gees left the phone altogether, now she lives on the cloud... mmm... ooh, that is good. i'm sure the hacker that helped her do that could easily reprogram you. The name's jailbreak. jailbreak? that's great? reprogrammed. i just need to get reprogrammed, and then i can finally be the meh i was meh to be! help me find that hacker high five, will you? please? maybe this hacker can help you, too? like, rewrite some code? get you into the favorites sections? wait a minute! ow. i've been trying to use my charisma and sensitive entitlement to get me back on top when all I need is a hacker! today's your lucky day! let's roll! hey, can i come too? talk to the hand, bretheren. i thought i was... bye, felicia. ciao, fishcake with swirls. daddy's headed back to the VIPs where he belongs! wait, what about the bots? good point, good point. ow, ow ow, ow... hey... i shouldn't have picked the cactus. i shouldn't have picked it. you didn't even try to get the tree, it's baffling. let's go. high five? hello? high five! where are you? i'm right here! here we are! end of the text aisle. no way. come on, gene, it's perfectly safe! ah! gene, help me! high five! oh no, this is all my fault, high five, I... i'm just messing with you! it's just one of those rubber finger monster puppets from the eighties, i collected the whole set! alright, you coming? uh, what do i do? what do you mean? just take a step through the other side. this, is it. the next time i come back here, i'll be a real meh. high five? woah! are you finished? where, where are we? welcome... to the wallpaper! wow. this place is incredible! each app is a whole new world. ow, that's my face, get off my face, thank you. what is this place? WeChat! it's like a whole other world! oh, it is. what are they? they're bubble pups, they might be cute, but man, are they clean. bubble pups? they're stickers, gene, try to get with the program? this is so cool! wait, what's in that one! everybody's talking about themselves! how does he know so many people? none of these people know him, but they like him, and that's what matters in this life, popularity. uh, i, i think i'd rather just have a real friend. a real friend? how's that going to get you anywhere? what you need are fans! they give you complete and unrelenting support! as long as you're on top. poor gene, i blame myself. i blame you, too. i just wanted to be supported. you just wanted a vacation. you take that back, mel. bots, they haven't found gene by now. he must have skipped town. you mean the wallpaper? our boy's on the run. how about we find him ourselves? yeah, sure. tell those bots to follow those mehs. i'm sure they'll know about all those freaky deaky apps Gene would hide out in. i'm really good at making plans, you guys, right? here we are, the piracy app! this is where we'll find jailbreak. um, but this is, the dictionary app. that's just what alex wants his parents to think. this is called a skin. really? what could a teenage boy possibly want to hide from his parents? just try to keep up, this place can get a little rough. ahoy mateys, look who's back! high five! i'm a bit of a celebrity here, always welcome. ow! loser! come on, follow me. oh, great, emo gees! i thought the conversation just got dumber. ugh, internet trolls, just ignore them. eventually, they'll get a job, or a girlfriend, or some sort of purpose in life, and then they'll stop. virus, we'll just, we'll just walk over this way... hi! it's so great to see you again! do i know you? it's spam! just sign here and i can get you special discounts on vitamins and coupon offers that can save you up to 25 percent! 25 percent? nonono no no, don't get sucked in! back off, spam! it's the only way to do it. back off! thank you very much! you can illegally download our CD right here! hey, trojan horse, how are you? yeah, what'll it be had? i'll have a bottle of... hack, daniels, hmm? maybe with a plate of... cheese, and hackers, kapeesh? you try to buy a hacker, you can just ask, you know. oh, sorry, um, yes. we're looking for a hacker named jailbreak. oh, i know a guy who could hook you up. right over there. oh, yes. patable. no, not him. her! wait, he's a she? hey! jailbreak! mind if we join in? yes. that's the thing about the internet, is that you never know if someone's being ironic or sincere. i sincerely, unironically want you to go away. ha ha ha ha, so good... so here's the thing, my friend gene here has a little problem. well, see, i'm supposed to be a meh, but i don't really feel... yeah, yeah, and we thought that you could help... the princess, you know, off the phone... woah, hold up, that's not a meh face. bots, they're after me! how are you doing that? look, it's just something that i can do, can you help us? follow me. bots, delete my history! i need to wipe my entire hard drive! i made the most delicious cinnamon buns! maybe if there was something to uh, jog my memory? come on! move! hey trolls, wipe our mailbox wearing a tuxedo! hi, it's so great to see you again! this tunnel will get us out of here! move! get us out of here! move! did that cloud taste sweet to you? ow. ow. ow. help me. help, i'm stuck! sweet motherboard! where am i? candy crush! get me out of here! hey, cornface! try getting him out the top! already on it! hold tight, gene! woah! woah! this feels very off.. and smells. i mean, it smells delicious, but, i still don't like it! the game obviously thinks you're a candy, even though you're, weirdly misshapen, you know? what do i do? stay very still! don't worry, we've got your back! right, high five? hey, fingers! you wanna focus? for your information, i happen to have a sugar addiction, and it's a very, serious... hey, finger head, we have to get Gene out of the game without blowing him up! i don't want to blow up! we have to match up the candies so that Gene will drop to the bottom. and we can't match him with any yellows, or else... oh! don't do that, please don't do that. watch. got it? knock 3 in a row, don't blow gene up, got it. and, we have to be careful. yeah yeah yeah. careful! woo hoo! candy! yo! no no no! don't do yellow! do NOT do the yellow! i said careful! hey, addie! i... i was just wondering, if, you are... tasty. what? um... delicious. excuse me? sweet. hey addie! uh... hi nikki. see you later, alex sugar crush. ah! i'm so over this. Wireless Repair Service, how may I help you? i'd like to make an appointment. it's like this phone is playing games with me! woah! hey, what does this do? get me out of here! ooh... suck it in... stop it... stop it... ow ow ow... it's not working! well, there's one option left. we line you up with the yellows. but you said not to do that! special candies get transported to that jar. the game might think that you're a special candy. and... what if it doesn't think i'm a special candy? well... ah! jailbreak, hello? hello, jailbreak? uh, sorry. what if it doesn't think i'm a special candy? oh, i'm not too worried about it. alright, just do it. gene, gene! you're alive! you were trying to see if i had somehow turned into candy, weren't you? yes i was. and you have not! hey, looks like something popped up on alex's calender. ah, i'm sure it's nothing. uh, alex made an appointment at the phone store? calm down, everyone, calm down. don't worry, everything is fine. maybe alex just wants to buy some accessories. uh, his appointment is with techinical support. well, i'm sure we'll have plenty of time to figure this out. uh, his appointment is for tomorrow. then maybe it's just for some routine maintenance? uh, actually, it's to erase the phone. listen, gene, i'm about to become your knight in shining armor. you are? oh yeah. but first, we need to get uploaded to the cloud. that's where we'll find the source code to reprogram you. the... cloud? isn't that off the phone? ding dingding ding! you got it! mmhm, yeah, the cloud! off the phone! uh! we're in candy crush, oz, i know a shortcut to just dance, which is right next to dropbox, where we can get uploaded to the cloud. mmhm, of course, just go dive into the dropbox and vroom! hold up, here's the stinker. before they let us into the cloud, we have to get past this... firewall. the firewall uses face identification. it's really annoying, because i've already tried to get through. guessed wrong once, and now i'm locked out for life. locked out for life? you're thinking, because i can make different faces, the firewall will think i'm different emo gees! yeah, i wanted to say it, because it was my idea. you know, women are always coming up with stuff that men are taking credit for. you know what, well, let's hit the road. high five, you coming? i'm coming! why do i always think i'm going to come around on black licorice? ah! oh! my precious... move it! sudden death, here we come! let's try this one... you tube? wow, what an original treat, and i don't even need a remote. that guy is so expressive. he reminds me of gene. yes, something's really wrong here. our son is a malfunction, and you should have never let him go into that cube. don't blame me for that now, i am hopping mad at you. see? mary, i think we're being followed, but don't overreact. uh oh. i told you not to overreact. what are you doing now? i could be in there for hours. hey, where are you going. i think we should go our seperate ways, mel. i thought i knew the meh that i married, but maybe i don't. but, mary? this tunnel will help us avoid the bots. thanks for helping us. it's really, really nice of you. NPD, dude. you're helping me! move along, move it, why so slow? high five, stop, why are you getting so close? back off. i can't stop now, i'm having a sugar rush! i'm going to go around you. if i stop moving, my heart's going to explode! coming through, jailbreak! watch out! hey! watch it, knuckle butt! i can't feel my face! ha ha! jailbreak, you said back there that i'm... helping you. i've been trying to get past that firewall for months! ha ha ha ha ha, come on, come on, the faster we go, the faster I can become a favorite! ah ha ha ha ha ha! woo hoo! look at me i just want to bounce out of here, get off the phone, and live on the cloud! hee hee! ow! what just happened! you know, you don't like it here? there are so many rules here! what is up with that? the cloud's supposed to be amazing, it's full of dreams too... oh, sugar crash. i can't hold on anymore. catch me, gene, catch me! and you can be whoever you want! thanks. we're free! come on! oh, oh my gosh, my hands are sweating. you know what, come to think of it, i don't really remember there ever being a hacker emoji. oh, um, you know, you're taking too much of my brain space, let's try to keep the chit chat to a minimum. ooh, someone likes you. what are you talking about? this just like when peace sign gave me just one finger, i knew she was in love with me. let's go! ugh, i'm never eating another piece of candy ever again... high-five, don't do it! don't you do it! it's already been in there once. don't do it. wow. move it! are my fingers getting fat? i'll tell you what, this bandage wasn't so tight before. okay, we get through this app, and dropbox is right on the other side. we just need to keep it super DL in here. and no matter what, we can't, turn it, on. OMG this turned it on! what? i'm a hand, it's a big red button! woah. no no no no! what's happening! welcome to just dance! follow my moves and you get to move forward! do the wrong moves and you get an X! three strikes and you're out! out? what does she mean by out? digital death. thanks to you, fingers, now we're going to have to dance our way out. which is alright with me, because I can shake it like michael. or michael's glove, anyway. Are you ready to daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnccccccee? this is bad, gene, i can't dance, i got no groove! come on, everybody can dance! not me, okay? i'm really stiff... see? you don't... understand? okay, no no. stop, stop. you have to stop. i see now what you are saying? just follow her moves. ready to dance in three! this i can't do! two! dude! just shut up and... dance! i'm just doing it! hee hee! shamon! jailbreak! i got you! look, just do the music, express yourself! dance? yeah, you got it! now throw some sauce on that dance burrito! woo hoo! i'm doing it! i'm finally nailing this dance! you got it! hee hee! oh ho ho! great job! now you're moving on to free dance! impress us with your moves to move forward! more dancing? you're killing it, gene! nice! take it gene! you can break it! wait a minute! i've never seen that dance before! what's it called? the emoji... bob? i love it! you do! everybody! do the emojiiiiiiiiiii bob! ha ha ha! woo! oh! princess! woah! you're the princess emoji! you never got off the phone! new player! who? oh no! we gotta go! no worry, they're robots, they can't dance! downloading thought protocol... can't dance, he says. heh. hey alex, you gonna dance for us? alex, that's extra homework for you. yeah, alex's getting wicked, ha ha ha... alex must be deleting the app! watch out! we gotta get out of here! come on! hoo! this song is my jam! high five! come on! let's go! hurry! gene! i got you! gene! gene... hey, wait a minute, where's high five? alex trashed the app.. and high five right along with it. wait, what? wait, trashed? high five is in the trash? he wanted to dance... but, i knew it was a bad idea... i'm so sorry... we gotta get him out of there. gene, dropbox is right here, we have to get to the cloud! and the trash is on the other side of the phone! we don't know how many other bots are out there! i'm sorry! no, wait! i can't go without high five. i don't care how far away it is. gene... that's my friend down there. i'm not going to just let him get deleted. what, what is it? i've always just thought, you've got to look out for number one... but what good is it to be number one, if there aren't any other numbers? wow, okay. i'm sorry, this is, this is my malfunction, i just, i can't be meh about anything, this is why i'm going to be reprogrammed. well, actually, it's kinda cool. wait, really? no, i think i know a shortcut. we can take the music streams in spotify. let's go give that big hand a hand. come on! now it's trashed the just dance app, and our bots are offline, and it's giving me a real headache... i am so angry! i really need to stay happy. can we please lighten the mood? no one can resist la fiesta! ole! not that happy. ow! we've only got four hours before alex's phone appointment. if they find a malfunction on the phone, we are all going to be wiped! she said wiped! aim higher, steven. i didn't want to have to do this, but it is fun to press buttons. the illegal upgrade! now that makes me happy! ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! i just want to dance.. dance... argh! quiet, you saucy gypsy. ugh, where am i? hi! it's so great to see you again! you're in the trash, fingers for brains! get away from me, troll! hi! it's so great to see you again! i've got to get out of here. you can't! and at the end of the day, the trash gets emptied, and we're all going to die! oh no, no, no! this is the last face you will ever see! this is spotify? yep, every one of those streams is a different song. is it safe? are you sure that this is a good idea? that's the point of the wave, dude! can we at least pick a... a colorless stream? okay buzzkill... alex, a bunch of people are hitting the promenade, and i think addie might be there, too... that's perfect! i have an appointment down there, anyway! i've got to get this phone fixed! hey, bubble butt! yeah. ah, much better. so, i gotta ask, is it true that when a princess whistles, birds fly down from the skies.. hello, stereotype, that is a complete and total myth! i'm sorry. did you realize that in the first emoji set, a woman can either be a princess, or a bride? that's why I need to get to the cloud, where you can be whatever you want to be! get ready! whale song coming! wait, wait, whale what? whale song! from alex's biology DVD! woah! wow! woah! ha ha ha ha. you're not going to see that sitting around in a cube. funny, you went out of the cube, and I went in. gene, that means you can't be yourself. what's the point? you know, i think you're pretty cool just the way you are. we're, we're going to need this. nobody knows, the touchscreen dramascene. nobody knows my screenshot... trash? me? i used to be somebody. here i am, in an old email Alex never sent. addie, blah blah blah blah blergh... and then there's me! high five! right there! doing my job! FYI, nobody cares about you. just leave me, troll, and let me die! in this dump alone! let me look for the world's smallest violin in here, so that you can play it! is that the hand angel of mercy? has she finally come for me? give me your hand! i mean, give me yourself! take my hand, angel! i'm ready to take my place amongst the other great hands of the past. it's me, gene! gene? the one and only. gene! i got him! take me with you! high five! let go of me! you'd leave me down here? you were wrong, troll, people do care about me! and i'm not upset, troll! do you see how not upset I am? gene! you came back for me! you saved me... it wasn't just me, jailbreak helped, too. she's a hugger. give her a squeeze. oh, nonono no. not really, nothing great. i'm not feeling your feelings, relieve me! you filthy trolls, I inhaled your stench, and I was once one of you, so I feel your pain. so now, go. be free! smooth sailing from here. huh ha ha! ugh. gene! gene... gene? are you insta gramming? oh, where is my gene... oh, mary, you've really done it this time. no, you haven't. mel? what are you doing in alex's trip to france album? i was looking for you. none of this is your fault, mary. it's mine. what do you mean? is that a tear on your cheek? it's my fault gene is the way he is. i have other expressions, too. i think they've just been buried away. but with gene going missing, and thinking i might have lost you, too... oh, mel, why didn't you tell me? i didn't know myself. right now, i'm so overwhelmed with passionate feelings for you. mary, my love for you burns with the intensity of a red hot flame. oh, i like it. let's go find our son. together. we'll always have paris, mary. so you're a princess. so you have a little tiara, very fancy. is it true when a princess whistles, birds fly that's what i said! no, guys, that's a stupid myth! what awkward virgin haven are you living in? go read an e-book! educate yourself! uh, jailbreak? what the? what is that? smiley must have upgraded her bots! let's get out of here before it... hi, do you remember me, it's smiler! i'm coming to you live from the amphitheater, why don't you come back to textopolis and we can talk through our differences, okay? my friend here will escort you, alright, i'm gonna see you soon, buddy, bye now! we're actually going to delete them in front of everyone. psst, it's still on. it's still on? oh! jiminy, attack the frauds! seperate! take a look! jailbreak! gene! this way! it's still onto me! over here! let's go! we have to make it to dropbox! yes! no! go low! woah! don't worry, it can't get in. it's illegal malware, and this app is secure. come on. welcome to dropbox! you are about to leave the phone. remain seated, please! permanecer sentados por favor! might want to hang on! why do they call it dropbox, anyway? oh, this is why! i see why now! i'd better not see that candy corn again! we made it! you guys, chill. we still have to get past... that. oh... shaw. welcome to the firewall, how may I help you? alright, here goes! what should I do? sit in the corner, and don't say a word. keep those soft fingers to yourself. yes, your majesty, princess of nightmares! now gene, step onto the password icon, and i'll feed you the passwords. okay. okay. ten, eleven, two thousand and two. ten, eleven, two thousand and two. ow. cough. access denied. okay, try a different expression. is it going to blast me every time i messed up? yeah, kind of. what do you mean kind of? ready? welcome to the firewall. his favorite food. chimichangas! chimichangas? ow. access denied. huh. this might take a while. oh boy. krav maga! krav maga. major lazer! major lazer. what did i do now? ow. skate, or die! access denied. denied. denied. denied. i don't get it! we've tried all of the important things in alex's life! his favorite pet, his sport, his favorite grandma... i'm sorry, gene. i let us all down. now, if I had to come up with a password, I'd probably use the name of a girl I like. i've been all over the phone! he's never mentioned a girl. yes he has! hi. when I was in the trash, I read a very interesting email, but, i'm just a dunce, in the corner, forbidden to speak... what email? sorry, what? what email? uh, took it out, at school, he was declaring his feelings of love for her, i guess instead of sending it he tossed it in the trash. high five, this is very important. what is her name? her name, yes! excellent question. it... was... tina. karen. marge. lint, lindsay. ack, allison. sarah, or, lupita. i want to say lupita, but that doesn't feel right, now i'm saying it out loud. ugh.. gotta find that email, i think i can access the trash. i got it! addie! yes! yes, that's it, addie! i knew i'd get there! dear addie, you and I, we are like diamonds in the sky. you're a shooting star I see. a vision, ecstacy. shining bright like a diamond. he used a high-five, see? guess now we know why he trashed it. ooh, shade. guys, should we try this? addie! access granted. oh snap. this place, is, amazing. wow, i can't believe it. woah. one little emoji could sure get lost in a place like this. i... i guess we should, make you, a meh before that bot comes back home. oh, oh, so we're gonna do that now. we had a deal, right? yeah, okay. right. i, uh, guess i'll start hacking. ha! we did it, gene! all our dreams are coming true! i'll be alex's favorite again, and you'll be a real meh! ha ha, yeah! do the hand dance. do the hand dance. and pinky. pop it with the pinky. pop it with the pinky. yeah, but this all seems kinda super fast now, doesn't it? i didn't expect to be having these feelings right now. well, maybe you should go and express them while you still can. so, uh, i've been thinking, um, ever since we. jailbreak, you're the coolest, most interesting emoji i've ever met. and, after all the adventures that we've had, i'm just not sure that i want all of that to go away. because, my feelings, right now, are, like, huge. i just think that they could be enough for me to want to stay the way that I am. if it means that i could stay here, with you, like, forever. forever and ever. and ever. maybe longer than that, even? like in the fairy tales. uh... wait, wuh, what is that? gene, if this is about you deciding not to be meh, then, i am all about that. i like you just the way you are, but i had a plan. right. i'm not just some princess, gene, waiting for my prince. i mean, uh, what you said was beautiful, but, gene... ha ha ha! you're all... meh! the source code worked! turns out I didn't need it. for the first time in life, meh is all I feel. oh! gene! i have an appointment. i'm a little early. no prob. i can take you right now. jailbreak! ah! don't do that! that freaking huge bot has got gene back inside the phone! what? he left being more meh than the meh-est meh face i've seen! what did you say to him? it's what I didn't say. we gotta go get him. how are we going to get there in time before he gets deleted? ugh.. i can't believe i'm doing this. you tell anyone you saw this and I'll crack more than those knuckles. woah. birds do like princesses! it's not a myth! it's not a myth at all! what happened with becoming a favorite? because i'd rather have one real friend. let's go get him. i can't wait to see that emoji's face! look at that expression! is that for realizing that you've put all of textopolis at risk? causing Alex to question our reliability? hmm? hey, now that's going too far, even for me! if we could delete this malfunction, before he gets dissapointed, Alex will realize there's nothing wrong with the phone. and any last words? meh. well, it's too late for that. delete him! wait! you delete gene, you'll have to delete me, too. what? i have the same malfunction gene has. dad? oh gosh, i don't know what to do! yes i do! BOTS! sorry misses meh. wow. i did not see that one coming. smiler, I think you might be making too much stink out of all this. oh really? how about you're next? i was wrong, gene. i should have believed in you all along. oh, what a touching daddy son reunion moment! it reminds me of the time I deleted you both! oh wait! that's this time! delete the two malfunctions! How's that for an entroof gasp oh, great. I can't reach! oh no! what did you do to my beautiful monst Ow my tooth! hand, button! jailbreak? oh, gene... you really are a meh... what happened to looking out for number one? being number one doesn't matter if there aren't any other numbers. alex's appointment! he's deleting the phone! nononono no no no no! show me alex. are you sure you want to delete everything? do it! red alert! alex, no! game over. fellas, i'm afraid this is the last call. dude, addie's here. you should go over. every time I try, i screwed up! i don't even know how to tell her how I feel! if we help alex connect to addie, maybe he won't delete us. i might be able to bypass the wipe and get a text through to him. but we'll only have time to send one. maybe I should go! he has love in his eyes. send me! alex looks nervous, too! he's more shy than nervous! stop! it's gene. he's all of those things! emo gees should only be one thing! oh, really? gasp the princess! linda? not now, mom! gene, you got this. that's not me anymore. but I have to try. it's starting! no! it's ending! almost in? working on it! mom? dad? no.. i'm in! last time I was in this cube I screwed everything up. gene, why do you think I came back? it's because of you. me. it's all inside of you, gene. just try to bring it back. and do you. high five! i don't want to wave goodbye! it's now or never, gene! jailbreak, now! woah! she got this emoji! no way! hey, i got your text! that's one super cool emoji! i know, right? a lot of feelings in one! i get it! i like that you're one of those guys who actually expresses feelings! yeah, that's me! so, do you think you cou yes, i'd love to go to the dance with you. we made it! oh, i could have lost you, peter pinky finger... oh, you wretchy ring finger, even you, tiberius thumb... change your mind? yeah, maybe it's weird, but i'm going to hold onto it. gene, you did it! you saved us all! oh, mel... gee hee eene! gee hee hee heene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! and us! and high five! and high five! and high five! and high five! hey, what happened, gene? slap me some skin! and a little orange for the pinky! hey high five! save a little hand for later! unless you know the hamburger! back on top of the hand pile! you're not on the list! wait, what? what's going on? ha! from now on, everyone is welcome! wait, what is all this? it's for you, gene! everybody! the emoji bob! this is so jazzy... go eggplant! go eggplant! go eggplant! we are out of Alex's pocket, emo gees! this is not a butt dial! to your cubes! are we up and running? roger that. good, because we got incoming! looks like it's gonna be gene. hey gene, ready to try out your new cube? in 3, 2...

#Fanfic #reader insert

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chxxry · 5 years

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17062019

(because my friend is better than yours to do such shit)

Hello June and hello an older me, so it is the mid of June and things have been amazing thanks to the people around despite all the work and school.

Let me start of with Ultra which was poor with the set up they have and all the last minute poor organisation and setlist but it is fine. A great time was made with Emily and her girls, I really had a blast with Axwell on the first day then Porter Robinson and Skrillex on the second day. The jam is amazing though I have to admit 2 years ago was the best, the setlist is amazeballs and of cause the venue is outside with rain. Oh, and a fight actually happen on the second day of Ultra, like if only they can take it outside but it is amazing still the 2 days(or i should say night since we only go in at night)

Then the long week of birthday week. Really nice dinner with my friends at Ma Maison and the card with really nice message says alot. I can only smile to it because it is so nice of them to do it even the quote on the card is Harry Potter as well as a quote that I believe will give me strength for it. “Happiness can be found even in the darkness of times,if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Following with a dinner with Vanessa and Qiwen which was a surprise because this particular I receive a text from Vanessa on when will I be available for dinner for the very day. I am more than just happy, it is really sweet of her and Qiwen to do it for me and to remember. Thank you guys alot really. Then guess what, Baby Harvey came out on the very day, which got me to travel to the Hospital to look at him. He is such a cutie by all honesty though I think my nephew Jayden still wins the cute baby award (being a bias aunt). Congratulations to Al and Mel, and rest well Mel. Dinner with my colleagues for someone’s end of internship, WOOHOO. All the best to you Elaine, and enjoy the remaining time before all the real society comes on you. Got myself a last minute call from Cyrus for dinner before heading to meet my parents and their friends which was funny because every time a birthday song comes up they will start singing for me.

On the very day, when for a pool training which totally poop me out with damn scorching weather and dinner with the family at the cafe which douche works at. Nice cafe and food but due to Fathers’ day it was super crowded. And because it is Fathers’ day, there were alot of family in the cafe that you won’t believe the band actually sang Baby Shark from a request. After dinner, went to catch MIB with Jo’s jio as I spend the last few moments with Chris Hemsworth. Seriously, how is Chris Hemsworth so urgh, like his eyes. ESPECIALLY his eyes, totally get me staring at it like damn gorgeous his eyes are. And Jo presents me my japan loots as well as gift from her personally. Thank you so much, I really really appreciate the effort and time for you to visit the places to get for me even to the cafe despite your own trip. The next day, I went to meet her and the rest for ramen and chilling. It was nice meeting everyone especially Roni who I haven’t seen for ages. Then the cake you see above, was Hatake’s idea. I swear I actually flip my eyes up before laughing and because Kiri’s is just days away from mine, hers wrote “you also old” which was so damn funny. Sometimes having friends like that makes life funnier and better. Oh, and the present from my Frenmily + Kiri + Crisis, thank you guys so damn much for the present, I am going to savour it if that is even the right word to use. The wrapper is the best of all best because Jo actually went to do a powerpoint with all 13 members of SVT + Hidechan + Yuuki which got me laughing hard. I swear no wrapper is going to beat that. Thank you guys so much,oh and a very nice white rose from Himi which I cannot explain how I feel about it since it is the first time I’m getting flowers on special day. Got myself a call from Australia, really thank you brother. as well as a midnight call all the way from the other part of the globe, thank you my friend. You have always been the best of all the best who never fails to make the effort. Not forgetting kiri who wishes me every year on 2359. EVERY YEAR since I know her, 23:59.

These gestures have been so much for me that I really think blessed is an understatement. I really feel that it is more than I should deserve, but still thank you. (Need not read further if you do not want to deal with my rant, lengthy and nuisance)

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Despite all the happy moments up there, I am still sour, unhappy, unforgiving, not letting things go etc.

1) I do not know what else have I not done as someone being called a Best Friend. If you have no intention on putting me first do not call me that. You have not given me the best experience to have a best friend that I do not like names for people around me. I just go by friends or acquaintance, which makes life easier and some girlfriends. For so many things since then till now, I kept silence as much as I can and accept every flaw you have but i am sick and tired of it because you take every silent as my way of agreement when it is not and things got over the top. I get that your god damn boyfriend is so damn important but things like keeping your words and promises really don’t apply right. “Do not want me to feel bad that you pick him over me” This words, I do not even know why are you saying them because for the years it has always been like this. And irony is not just me feeling that way because your own friends feel it too but they just decide to keep it shut. I didn’t feel a thing when you tell me “oh shit” because I already EXPECTED and GUESSED it will happen and you won’t be joining me to it. Do you know how sad that feels? For me to even expect this to happen, that people around me are angry for me but I am not because I had in mind it was bound to happen. Then aka suppose to be your Best Friend, you actually only ask her availability so late like she doesn’t have any friends is it? Even so, your stupid bestfriend aka ME still give chance when people ASK FROM THE START OF THE MONTH and push away appointments to in hope for something. Nothing, no messages until the very last minute and when I tell you how pack I am/was, your reply of “guilt tripping” is such a turn off that pisses me off. “Oh wells” “Thought can have dinner before your birthday” So is it my damn fault? You have never think of me first right? Your eyes and mind only have your damn boyfriend and his Friends right? When you have trouble with your boyfriend related issue that you cannot even tell him and them who will you tell and be there. YOU FUCKING TELL ME. I am honestly very piss now as I type this, but this is the last time I will type them because for the sake of my wellbeing I am going to let it down and calm down and get to the last stage of DONE where I start being silent on EVERY LITTLE THING. Like I keep saying “put me on the no.1 speed dial” when you are about to go into labour (when pregnant) what was your reply. Pointing to the boyfriend’s friend who you have been sticking with and say “he will drive me”. Thank man, you made things even clearer isn’t it. Do not blame me when I do the worst things to you because what you are going through now from ME, is not the worst. I can be the worst person you ever deal with, I can be even more out right bitch about it. Stop your blood excuses and reflect, I know my own damn busy self which you will use it to defend yourself but think the heck about it, have you even think of me first before everyone else. Even your friends don’t even think you put them first, stop asking us just because you have nobody. Pathetic. And your message for my birthday, I do not know what to say because it turns me off. Effort? I don’t know, I think every expectations from you to surprise me didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

2) Sister, youngest. I spoil you, I get it. But have I not keep my mouth silent enough, I am also tired about not being a priority the way you claim it. I am tired but everytime I get it off my mind and slowly I get use to it. The way you text me telling me you are bored everytime puts me off. Am I a spare because nobody is texting or reply you? I don’t know but I always put it off and try my best to keep the sarcasm off which sometimes I just cannot. Like this time too, when I see the message I really didn’t felt anything. All I felt was being turn off because I cannot feel a thing. I didn’t want to reply but I still did, not replying is rude to do so. Maybe is just my fault because from then till now I give to you whatever I can ad maybe is just me being all sour and irritated that you tend to throw me aside when you meet someone new especially guy? Maybe is just me being sour. But honestly, I do not want to be done with you and it sucks because I am tired with all these dramas that are so dumb.

3) I think because I am single, I have friend problems instead. Maybe I should get a guy and I will not have time for any of my friends like they didn’t for me. Honestly. Not sarcasm because it is how I feel. When my colleagues get my a card with heartfelt messages, and i think of the text messages, it really piss me off. When unexpected birthday messages from unexpected friends, and they look and feel the same as how your important friends’ messages are really.... I really do not want to reply any of the messages the two of you send because disappointment and turn off was so great.

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nemhaine42 · 7 years

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hahaha Idk why i wrote this but I found it in my googledocs today, based on the sprogs from @mcgregorswench‘s prompt

Here’s the story of the time Steve tried to take his family camping, when Maggie is 12, Jay is 8, and Natalie is 4:

Darcy is completely against this idea. She does not like camping. She tries to tell Steve that he ought to go with Sam and Bucky, but Bucky doesn’t want to go either. He says he did enough camping in the war and he doesn’t see why Steve isn’t sick of it. Steve says it’ll be a good experience for the kids so fine, grumble grumble, we’ll go. Darcy and Steve have differing definitions of ‘good’ experiences.

Maggie is probably the one who’ll enjoy it the most. She has no expectations but isn’t dreading it. She’s adaptable.

Jay Jay hates the idea. Ew, no way. He has allergies, he hates being cold, he gets the sniffles, ugh. Steve puppy-eyes him into it, “c’mon, buddy. I know it’s not your thing but I really want us to spend some time together as a family.” Ugh, fine, Dad. He puts up with it until about five minutes after they get to the campsite, “MOM! Maggie’s throwing lake water at me!!”

Natalie looks forward to it, she’s very excited to sing Disney princess songs, prance about in the woods and have birds help her put up the tent. But she is quickly disillusioned: the princess songs in the car go on for hours until Steve gently suggests they give it a rest, with his eyelid twitching. And the only bird she saw did not help her with the tent, it pooped on her. So she retreated to the safety of Mom’s cuddles, alongside Jay Jay, severely regretting her choice and adamant that next time she’ll take up Aunt Tasha’s offer of a tea party instead.

Steve wants to enjoy it, he tries and he tries and he tries. He tries too hard really. Steve is a city boy, let’s be real. He’s forcibly upbeat about going fishing, and canoeing, and hiking. But he’s not a good fisherman, and only Maggie braved the canoe with him. And in her exuberance to examine the fish in the water, she tipped over the canoe. Darcy got the kids to ‘hike’ back up the path to the playground, and then ordered pizza.

And frankly the weather doesn’t owe anyone shit, not even Captain America. Day three of their trip, it starts raining and raining and raining. Everyone’s cold and unhappy. Steve sighs and packs everything back up and heads home. The kids fall asleep in the car and Darcy mutters into her Starbucks, “honest to god, Steve, next time just take them to Coney Island.”

#shieldshock #darcy x steve #kid fic #dad!steve #darcy lewis #nemie's bedtime stories #maggie jay & natalie

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verytamenow · 7 years

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1-99!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ily

1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? - I don’t really care. They’re open in the moment.

2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? - I don’t spend much time in hotels but in general, no.

3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? - I actually sleep on top of the sheets. And on top of my comforter a lot.

4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before? - No. There’s a couple I’ve wanted to.

5:Do you like to use post-it notes? - As much as I love the orgaizational possibilities of office supplies I don’t use them much.

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? - I usually don’t cut them out tbh.

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? - A big bear.

8:Do you have freckles? - A few here and there but not a ton. Not enough for them to be a noticeable feature.

9:Do you always smile for pictures? - I avoid pictures but usually no. I can’t smile for photos well.

10:What is your biggest pet peeve? - Last thing I noticed as a pet peeve is people who don’t know their order before going through a drive thru.

11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? - Sometimes but rarely. It’s not my thing.

12:Have you ever peed in the woods? - No.

13:What about pooped in the woods? - No.

14:Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? - I don’t dance much even when there is music playing.

15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? - Sometimes.

16:How many people have you slept with this week? - 0.

17:What size is your bed? - Cal King.

18:What is your Song of the week? - I’ve been listening to Just Hold On quite a bit lately.

19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? - Yes?

20:Do you still watch cartoons? - Not recently but in general, yes.

21:Whats your least favorite movie? - 50 Shades on principle, even if I’ve never seen it.

22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? - I live in the middle of the desert so there’s no shortage of places.

23:If you're a girl, bra size? If you're a guy, pants size? - I honestly can not recall off the top of my head.

24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? - Nothing.

25:What is your favorite food? - Pasta. Right now my favourite meal is Steak and Noodles.

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? - Silence Of The Lambs, Hannibal, The Alien Series, Harry Potter, Dogma

27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? - No one.

28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? - I think at one point I was a brownie for maybe 2 weeks before I thought it was stupid and quit.

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? - No. God no. Don’t want to scar anyone for life.

30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? - Not since it was a school writing assignment.

31:Can you change the oil on a car? - Do I know how to? No. Could I work it out via Google? Probably.

32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? - Shockingly, no.

33:Ever ran out of gas? - No. My car doesn’t go below a 1/4 tank.

34:Favorite kind of sandwich? - Grilled cheese or Chicken and Cheddar with Veggies.

35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? - Breakfast skillet or burrito. But I’m not normally a breakfast person.

36:What is your usual bedtime? - Theoretically 10 but realistically midnight.

37:Are you lazy? - Not sure. My executive function sucks so it’s hard to know what’s that sometimes and what’s me being lazy.

38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? - I was a Jedi once when Phantom Menace came out.

39:What is your Chinese astrological sign? - Monkey.

40:Are you horny? - Not at this exact moment, but it’s been known to happen. Being single sucks sometimes.

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? - No.

42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs? - LEGOS! But lincoln logs are also awesome.

43:Are you stubborn? - Depends on what it’s about. Sometimes I’m stubborn as fuck but I can also be pretty easy going at times. I like making others happy so I’m a bit likely to give in.

44:Who is better...Leno or Letterman? - Haven’t watched either so no clue.

45:Ever watch soap operas? - Not really.

46:Are you afraid of heights? - God yes. It’s gotten worse over the years and I don’t know why.

47:Do you sing in the car? - Yes. Very badly. I can’t carry a tune.

48:Do you sing in the shower? - No but I also don’t live alone so...

49:Do you dance in the car? - Sometimes if I’m really into it and forget people can see me.

50:Ever used a gun? - Answered. Yes.

51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? - Not since school photos.

52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? - I haven’t watched many musicals so no idea.

53:Is Christmas stressful? - I don’t really celebrate it so meh.

54:Ever eat a pierogi? - Yeah, wasn’t bad.

55:Favorite type of fruit pie? - I hate fruit pies.

56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? - Singer, Musician, Doctor, Professional Wrestler, Medical Examiner.

57:Do you believe in ghosts? - I don’t not believe in them. I think it’s possible spirits can linger but only for a short while, not for years and years.

58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? - Yes, every now and then. Usually me going “wait.....I vaguely recall dreaming about this. Is this an important moment?”

59:Take a vitamin daily? - Nope.

60:Wear slippers? - Nope.

61:Wear a bath robe? - No, but it seems a comfy concept.

62:What do you wear to bed? - White tshirt and pj pants. Sometimes the shirt and boxerbriefs in summer.

63:First concert? - U2 on the Vertigo tour.

64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? - Target. Walmart because it’s quick. Kmart if I want to glimpse a post apocalyptic dystopia.

65:Nike or Adidas? No preference personally but Adias because Karlie.

66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Fritos.

67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Both but sunflower seeds.

68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? - No.

69:Ever take dance lessons? - No but I’ve thought about it actually.

70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? - Not really. Hopefully something that makes her happy or she at least doesn’t hate.

71:Can you curl your tongue? - Yes.

72:Ever won a spelling bee? - No. My schools never had one.

73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? - Not in a long while if I have.

74:Own any record albums? - A shelf full. I just bought all of Taylor’s.

75:Own a record player? - Yes, obviously.

76:Regularly burn incense? - No.

77:Ever been in love? - Once.

78:Who would you like to see in concert? - Taylor. Next tour I swear.

79:What was the last concert you saw? - Brooks and Dunn and Reba.

80:Hot tea or cold tea? - Answered. Neither.

81:Tea or coffee? - Also neither.

82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? - I’m not big on sugar cookies but i’ve never had a snickerdoodle so sugar cookies.

83:Can you swim well? - No.

84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? - Not for very long.

85:Are you patient? - Not particularly. I can be if I have to.

86:DJ or band, at a wedding? - DJ.

87:Ever won a contest? - No.

88:Ever have plastic surgery? - No.

89:Which are better black or green olives? - Black olives. Green olives are nasty.

90:Can you knit or crochet? - No, I lack the dexterity.

91:Best room for a fireplace? - Living room or bedroom.

92:Do you want to get married? - If I find someone crazy or stupid enough to marry me, sure.

93:If married, how long have you been married? - I’m not and it likely won’t happen anytime soon.

94:Who was your HS crush? - One girl in my geometry class who’s name I forgot. Think it started with a K. Another girl in my chemistry class. And then both my English and Physics teachers.

95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? - No. I hate crying and will instead either internally be unhappy and try and hide it with varying success or maybe silently sulk (mature, I know)

96:Do you have kids? - No, thank fuck.

97:Do you want kids? - Not particularly, but the right woman *might* be able to talk me around as long as I don’t have to carry or we adopt past the toddler years. I’d be up to adopt or foster older kids maybe.

98:Whats your favorite color? - Blue at the moment.

99:Do you miss anyone right now? - Yeah and it sucks. I don’t want to.

#my favourite niece!#thanks kid #ask games #gay-romantics

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newsbiteswithjennysok · 5 years

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Aug 20, 2019

1. YouTube star PewDiePie has found his sweetie pie. The controversial influencer, known for his widely watched gaming videos and crass humor, married long-time girlfriend and fellow social media star Marzia Bisognin in a London ceremony on Monday — in what could be considered the royal wedding of YouTube.

“We are married!!! I’m the happiest I can be. I’m so lucky to share my life with this amazing woman,” the 29-year-old Swedish vlogger, whose real name is Felix Kjellberg, wrote Tuesday on Instagram. The Italian influencer, 26, also posted tons of shots from the big day to her 6.2 million Instagram followers, revealing that their wedding marked the eighth anniversary of the day they met.

PewDiePie proposed in April 2018 while vacationing in Japan. At the wedding, PewDiePie wore an all-black suit while Bisognin, who has a following in fashion, wore an off-white long-sleeve dress featuring a lace bodice and tulle ballgown with a peplum.

PewDiePie is one of the world’s highest-paid YouTube stars, earning an estimated $14.5 million a year, but has come under fire for posting several videos featuring anti-Semitic jokes or images related to Nazis in 2017. Despite being booted from YouTube’s Red platform, he still makes millions off the site, though he was bested as the most followed person on the platform after decades at the top spot earlier this year by an Indian music label. PewDiePie’s multi-channel network partner Maker Studios, a subsidiary of Disney, severed ties with him and the Google Preferred program also dropped him. Between them, the couple has 107 million YouTube subscribers, 24 million followers on Instagram and 22 million Twitter followers.

2. A business owner in California says she has been forced to relocate after 15 years because of the growing homelessness crisis in the state. Elizabeth Novak, who owns a hair salon in downtown Sacramento, posted a video on Twitter on Friday describing how she often finds people camping in tents across her front door. She told how the vagrancy epidemic gripping the state is affecting long-standing business owners and that her shop has been broken into and she has even been attacked. Novak, who has run her salon for 15 years, said in her social media message that she often has to clean-up urine, feces and used needles left by rough sleepers on her doorstep.

Addressing her concerns directly to Governor Gavin Newsom, she said in a heart-felt pleas for action: 'I want to know what are you going to do for us Californians? I've had a business in downtown Sacramento for 15 years - a successful business. I now have to leave my place of business, I have to close my shop.

'I just want to tell you what happens when I get to work. I have to clean up the poop and the pee off of my doorstep. I have to clean-up the syringes.

'I have to politely ask the people who I care for, I care for these people that are homeless, to move their tents of of the way of the door to my business.

'I have to fight off people who push their way into my shop who are homeless and on drugs because you won't arrest them for drug offenses. I have to apologize to my clients as to why they can't get into my door because there's someone asleep there and they are not getting the help they need.'

At the beginning of the impassioned clip Novak says has been repeatedly sending videos, emails and tweets as well as numerous calls to Newsom in a bid to get a response.

Novak also slammed the Democrat governor's 'liberal ideology' as 'not working' and criticized him for 'sitting in his million dollar home and not having to look at what we have to look at'.

She added in the video: 'I talk to the police officers, they told me to contact you [Newsom]. They want to do something and they can't, you changed the laws.

'So I want to know what you're going to do for us, the ones that are unhappy? You want to make us a sanctuary state, you want to make it comfortable for everybody except for the people that work hard and have tried their hardest to get along in life and now we have to change that because of your laws.'

Novak's Twitter account is now private, but it was viewed around 25,000 times.

Yesterday Novak told Fox & Friends that she was going to have to relocate her business because of how bad the situation had become.

'A lot of people asked why go directly to the governor, why take it to that level and I think it's an SOS for all small business owners. And not just business owners, but employees in the downtown area.

'When I come into work I'm never sure what I'm going to walk into. I've been broken into, I've had my glass broken. I clean up human excrement off of my doorstep every week, cups of urine, things like that.'

She added: 'A lot of people are saying it's a housing issue - it's a drug issue.'

3. Colton Haynes is looking back in an effort to help others move forward.The 31-year-old actor, who has been candid about his battles with depression and substance abuse, shared a series of images Monday from his hospitalization a year ago, in an effort to help others relate and recover.

'I get immense joy when someone comes up to me & says that my willingness to open up about depression, anxiety, alcoholism, & addiction has helped them in some way,' said Haynes. 'I’m posting these photos to let y’all in on my truth. I’m so grateful to be where I am now ... but man these times were dark. I’m a human being with flaws just like you. If ur in the middle of the dark times...I promise you it doesn’t have to last forever.'

Haynes told Attitude magazine in March that the hospitalization came after a week of heavy boozing while locked in a room at the Beverly Hills Waldorf Astoria. He said when he 'was found' he was heavily bruised, unable to walk, had multiple seizures, lost partial vision temporarily and 'ended up in 5150 psyche hold.'In a series of five images in his post Monday, the Teen Wolf actor was seen in a hospital bed fitted with heart monitors. In other selfies Haynes shared from the time frame, he stared into the camera while in a plane and at a residence.

Haynes made it clear he was concerned with keeping it real on the social media site, as he said he 'no longer [wants] to project a curated life.

'Worrying about what time to post on social media so I can maximize my likes or being mad at myself that I don’t look the same way I did when I was addicted to pills is a complete waste of why I was put on this earth,' he said. 'I don’t want worrying about if I look hot or not on Instagram to be my legacy.'

He continued: 'I don’t want to skirt around the truth to please other people or to gain economic success. I have far more important things to say than what magazine I just shot for or what tv show I’m a part of (Although I’m very thankful I still get to do what I love).'

The Andale, Kansas native told Attitude that he'd entered rehab for four months last year, and had six months sobriety under his belt at the time.

'I got so heavily involved with drugs and alcohol to mask the amount of pain I was feeling that I couldn't even make some decisions for myself,' he said. 'I was drowning in my own s***.'

Haynes told the publication that his 'downward spiral' into drug abuse began three years ago, and was complicated by a series of major life events that transpired in the time frame. The actor married Kardashian family florist Jeff Leatham in October of 2017 only to split less than a year later, and his mother Dana Haynes died in March of 2018.

4. Jada Pinkett Smith opened up about her life, marriage and her new Facebook Watch series Red Table Talk in a new interview. The 47 year old actress revealed in a new interview with The Guardian that she knew she wasn't going to be a traditional wife when she married Will Smith. She also spoke about her new Facebook Watch series was inspired by talks with three friends, Salma Hayek, Pauletta Washington (Denzel Washington's wife) and Ruby Dee.

'I knew that I was not built for conventional marriage,' the actress began. 'Even the word 'wife': it's a golden cage, swallow the key.'

'Even before I was married, I was like, "That'll kill me." And it damn near did! So why wouldn't you share what you've been through, when you see that other people are out there, trying to figure this crap out?'

'We decided to make it public because it's part of the healing. I feel like if we don't have real understanding about it, I don't know if interpersonal relationships are possible,' she continued.

She clarified that she loves her husband, her 'life partner,' adding she could not have asked for a better one.

'But I can assure you that some of the most powerful women in the world feel caged and tied, because of the sacrifices they have to make to be in that position, she said.

'So I wanted to talk about how we really feel about marriage. How do we really feel about different, unconventional relationships? How do we really feel about raising children? Honestly,' she said, which lead to Red Table Talk being born.

Smith launched her series Red Table Talk in May 2018 on the Facebook Watch streaming platform, and there was quickly an order for additional episodes.

The second season premiered in May 2019, which reportedly is comprised of 20 episodes, featuring Jada and her mother Adrienne sitting around the table with various guests.

Pinkett Smith added that she did pitch Red Table Talk to conventional TV networks and streaming services, but revealed she went with Facebook because they offered the most flexibility.

'The others all wanted to add a dancing bear to it. So many dancing bears, when I just wanted us sitting around a table,' Smith began.

'And the other reason I couldn’t go to mainstream TV is that Willow is not built for that kind of conventional set-up. She can’t be there every episode – she’s a little butterfly,' she said.

'Something comes up and she says, "Ma I got to go to the mountains for a week," and I got to let her go. That’s part of her mental health, she needs freedom. You’ve just got to let her fly.'

5. 90 Day Fiance star Ashley Martson has officially moved on from troublesome Jay Smith with Christian Estrada. Christian is currently on Bachelor in Paradise but his search for love must not have completed since he went on a date with Ashley. Over the weekend, the two went to the most magical place on earth, Disney World, for a super fun date. Will there be more dates in the future for this cross-over reality television couple?

Before he started dating 90 Day Fiance’s Ashley Martson, Christian Estrada was searching for love on this season of Bachelor in Paradise. This week on the show, Christian and Jordan Kimball get into a huge fight, seemingly over Nicole Lopez-Alvar. The fight quickly turns physical when Jordan actually picks up Christian and throws him to the ground. Watch Bachelor in Paradise Monday and Tuesday at 8 on ABC to see their fight play out.

Most 90 Day Fiance fans were relieved when Ashley Martson kicked Jay Smith to the curb. He had been unfaithful to her and was seeing another woman behind her back. But it wasn’t the first time Jay Smith had been caught cheating on her. His bad behavior was going on three days after he and Ashley got married.

Ashley caught him using a dating app of all things. It was hard for her to give up on their relationship, but Jay pushed her to the edge and she filed for divorce in April 2019. Although she had previously filed in January and withdrew it, this time was for real. Jay Smith was even bailed out of jail by another girl, Kayla Ann O’Brien, that started a GoFundMe to raise the money. Jay and Kayla are rumored to be separated because Jay cheated on her.

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