part of the many many bits of heartbreak over the jack arc is just sam and dean replicating their childhood dynamics from different places. jack is now sam. sam is now dean, jack's ally but at the end of the day, that means nothing when john's word is the final rule. and john is now dean, determined to keep his family under control, bc to lose control is to invite further death and despair into your home.
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"Over there is Housemaiden Stagnation."
"Someone named Stagnation? In a House of Change?"
"They say they lost their first name, it's more of a title... but honestly. Could they not think of anything less fitting?"
aka i know that i've got lucas' isat trip all planned out but i go What If anyway
putting them through the horrors (having them go through world after world, feeling like they're going insane helping the same people who never recognise them over and over) to the point they've started disconnecting from who they used to be
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Okay so just imagine like. You’re just a little guy. You have no parents and your grandfather who raised you has always disparaged and disapproved of the very fact that you exist, for reasons utterly beyond your control. People enjoy your presence because you’re polite and charming the same way they enjoy flowers in spring, which is to say in passing and ultimately without any real connection.
And then you meet this guy who is just like. obsessed with you. He always wants to be around you and he derives true joy from it without you having to say anything funny or clever or lie for politeness’ sake. He creates art that he loves of you and because of you. Indirectly, you are suddenly able to put joy and beauty into the world, anything into the world, because you inspire him. You never imagined you would leave any kind of footprint the way things were before, because nothing you had was meaningful or lasting. And he flatters you dreadfully, he tells you how incredibly beautiful you are, and whether you realise it or not, you can feel that at least part of this value that he has found in you, that he has given you, comes from that beauty.
And then one day you meet his friend, who is older than you and cooler than you and a lord, and so witty and eloquent that you struggle just trying to keep track of whatever the fuck he’s talking about (and he always sounds like he knows everything about it), and he’s been this guy’s friend much longer than you have, and he also compliments you on your beauty and so seemingly that is the only quality of any worth that you possess, right? And then he waxes on and on about how it’s the only thing worth having and explains that what you have is actually incredibly valuable and fragile and precious, and that you are inevitably going to lose it and there’s nothing you can do. And also he says all this while you’re having your gay awakening because he’s sweet-talking you in a way you’ve never experienced and it’s uhhhhh it’s something. So then while you’re having a complete existential crisis over this your mutual friend calls you over to show you the most exquisite painting you’ve ever seen in your life and it’s of you. You didn’t know you could be so beautiful to anyone, you didn’t know he could create anything so beautiful, you didn’t know beauty on this level could even be captured in art. And that’s how he sees you, continually, without you having to make any effort to please him? Just to be yourself is enough to have inspired this incredible thing? You might cry. And then you realise he created it here and now and of you because on this particular day of June, you are twenty years old, and young, and pretty, and once you age out of that, you will lose the one thing anyone has ever valued in you, and surely also his interest, and you will be alone again, and worthy of nothing and no one. And because you’re also twenty years old and privileged and inexperienced you’ve never learned any capacity for nuanced thoughts and say things that are incredibly rash and stupid and regrettable.
So I’m not saying Dorian did nothing wrong but I am saying in his position I’d definitely have been a vain and terrified idiot too
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wait gonna vent about school a bit because im actually a bit pissed off
so basically i got ghosted by my advisor which, i am taking the L a bit for because i DID ghost her since last june.
thing is the circumstances last spring+june were me being institutionalized and dealing with the stress of one prof trying to make me pass a class despite me not handing in work, the advisor clocking it, and then the prof trying to make me lie to the advisor even tho she can literally see the work i turn in
so i was basically stuck between the two terrified of being wrongfully accused of cheating which in grad school is grounds for suspension
and the advisor insisted SO H ARD that i end up turning in work that i ended up giving in despite my therapist saying i needed a clean break from school immediately so feeling pressured i said "ok give me a semester long extension"
mind you a lot of the negotiation was while i was in the crisis center
and unsurprisingly i end up not being able to do the work as even opening a word document sent me into a panic attack until like. last december.
so like i did fuck up communication wise for sure but the way they handled my incedibly commonfare breakdown worsened things so much and im pissed because i literally had a 4.0 GPA before this
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Something i find fun, if Adrien and Félix are sentimonsters, is Adrien's feather allergy. Aside from the dramatic irony.
An allergy is where the body incorrectly labels an object as a threat, and the immune system reacts, or even dangerously overreacts, in ways which could be threatening to the person it's trying to protect.
If Adrien is a senti, then he's made from a feather, that's his soul. His allergy is targeting something that is already part of his being and biology. That means it's not an allergy, it's an autoimmune disease.
Allergies are genetic, as are predispositions to autoimmune diseases, and Adrien and Félix are genetically identical, though we don't know if Félix shares his allergy. It's possible it hasn't been activated yet. His odds of developing this could be heightened by a bunch of factors; illnesses, food, sunlight.
I'm excited to see if he'll share it or not, if being around duusu will be good for him (someone who understands, to befriend and vent to like Plagg is for Adrien) or bad for him (y'know, a health hazard).
Adrien having an autoimmune disease, maybe he's on immunosuppressants, maybe he's not. I think that could further explain some of Gabriel's actions, not justify them but make them make a little more sense.
After all, the feathers are in the rings, maybe that's a small part of why he hasn't been given his yet. Maybe it's part of why Gabriel has so little physical contact with him, he could give his kid a rash or worse.
If your kid has a weakened immune system and your wife is dying or gone, trying to keep that kid inside, reducing his and your own contact with people, especially other kids - because kids spread diseases like wild fire. I get it. It makes me feel really bad for them. Adrien doesn't even understand what his father's protectiveness is about, besides just losing Emilie. And Gabriel can't even begin to have that conversation with him without everything coming out. About why his feather allergy is such a big deal, about papillon and his wife.
Anyway I'm just thinking about how he ended up letting him go to school. About how he let Nino give him a party but absolutely would've been advising for it to be outside in the open air rather than letting a load of strange children into his clean house.
He really wasn't that bad of a dad at the start. But Nathalie's right, he's getting worse and worse. And I'm worried about how he'll cope and what he'll do without her, now that Adrien is the only close person to him that he has left. Beyond whatevers going on with Tomoe anyway.
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