#shoutout to sorting hat anon

[tradetobest]

do u still think abt the golf au bc i would pay billions for you to infodump about it…

YEs i love thinking about this au so much thank you so much for asking me about it anon ilysm....

(under the cut bcs it feels a bit long to me)

this was my first act as a hockey fan it has such a special place in my heart.... i thought about it while i was in class and sorted everyone into categories Definitively. thank you for making me do this. of course some of the things i have these guys do you Shouldnt Do on a golf course, and like this is Super unrealistic but i love having my fun ok…. just Good Vibes… (also, im generalizing “clubhouse” as both people who work as servers at the course’s restaurant and the people who help golfers with carts/clubs/etc and all that. i did Not work there At All so it just makes it easier for me to loop them…. imagine they just like rotate around or something….)

OK… so…. starting with the two who started it all, mitch and auston.

i dont ever think i ever totally explained what mitch and auston's roles were besides surface level stuff so!! mitch is a member of the turf team at the golf course, which are basically the group of people who go around and cut the grass and do the landscaping and all of that. like ice crew, but just for the golf course.

auston is like. i don't know. some sort of moderately rich guy. maybe he's Auston Matthews or maybe he's just rich, i have no clue. all that matters is he golfs. maybe he's a professional golfer. of course, i imagine everything in this au as happening at my course, but tbh it works at any course...

(now, of course, one of mitch's friends works at the clubhouse, and tells mitch every time auston is sitting there looking for him... willy nylander youre a real one)

just imagine mitch driving around a work truck with a rake, a bucket of sand, and a leaf blower in the back and auston (dressed prim, and proper, white pants white shoes white hat purple shirt all nice) literally falling all over himself to talk to him. loitering all over just Hoping that Maybe mitch will drive by and he can rope him into conversation. meanwhile when mitch sees willy he’s like “yeah auston’s so cute but like idk if he’d ever go for me” and willy is like “yeah you have no fucking idea”

i used to have to do this task which was just. watering all of the flowers near the clubhouse and i can imagine mitch doing that and like surroptitiously glancing over his shoulder to check if auston is around or watching or something… just some good old fluffy pining yk…

i have a like Whole Ass procreate file w everyone sorted into lil groups so here’s some little tidbits …

i think i mightve talked abt this in another post but sid (crosby) and claude (giroux) both work for turf and are both Incredibly Competitive about it in the most insane way ever… im talking “you take half the course i take half the course and we see who finishes faster” (starting at 6am ish) mowing competitions and theyre both done at 8 on the dot…. insane people shit…. they did it with bunkers ONCE and claude tripped and fell into a bunker and broke his wrists so they do not do that anymore o7….

in honour of my boss feeling like my dad i put patty marleau and matt martin in turf…. they do rough mowing in honour of the two guys at my course who Only did rough mowing…. big ass machine

the thing to know about guys who are higher up on the turf echelon is that not only do they all know each other but they also went to school for it… turf school…. all this to say top grad of turf school Sidney Crosby got some little ducklings and thats how Connor McDavid (top turf school grad) got to this course…. we love that for him

shoutout to other guys who also have fun little romance stories but who arent mitch and auston, including but not limited to:

connor mcdavid, who keeps getting his work paused by these three golfers, which always makes him grit his teeth and smile softly at them, because Holy Shit Let Me Get Back To My Job Please. matthew tkachuk (son of Great Golfer Keith Tkachuk) seems to take joy in interrupting connor while he’s in the middle of something, jack eichel always catches him bent over and sweaty trying to shove the wheels back onto a greens mower for one of the kids, and leon draisaitl stands on the side to wait until connor’s at least done a pass to ask him something. matthew jack and leon can be seen at the clubhouse after they finish a round, head in hands, because connor is oblivious to their flirting. maybe they should try learning the names of different types of grass.

jamie drysdale (uni student staying with his grandparents over the summer) always comes to the clubhouse for breakfast with them, which absolutely delights bored server trevor zegras… too bad the summer has to end some time! lol! anyway

tyler bertuzzi (turf) seems to always have dirt under his fingernails, some mulch and woodchips stuck to his shorts, scuffs on his knees, and a dirty ass sweater on. dylan larkin (clubhouse) finds him INCREDIBLY endearing.

brady tkachuk (son of Great Golfer Keith Tkachuk) when he’s not driving his brother around so he can try and find connor (“seriously, matthew, he looks busy” “no, it’ll be fine, look—”) is smiling sweetly at the fumbling german waiter who always engages leon in rapidfire german conversation. tim, his nametag says, and brady would love to have more than a few word conversation with him. maybe he should interrupt leon’s brooding time with matthew and jack and ask him to teach him some german.

if you want to communicate with the turf team’s mechanic and don’t want to be asked “where sid? tell him—” you should bring sid with you to see him. however, if you do bring sid, you will have to watch him and said mechanic do Weird Flirting for a good 30 mins before your question is answered. this is outside of the Weird Flirting they do anyway, all the time. if a day goes by without sid twirling his hair kicking his feet over some shit geno said to him earlier in the day has the day really gone by?

followup turf/clubhouse Flirting (I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION THEM IYKYK) tyler seguin, Pretty Boy Galore, and his loud, bubbly, and all consuming obsession with quiet doe-eyed turf worker jamie benn. now thats what i call oblivious. “yeah i flirt with jamie all the time but he just thinks its a joke haha he couldnt want me i know that like have you seen him?” “yeah tyler flirts with me but he’s just joking he doesn’t mean that he could never like me like that have you seen him?” and all that good good shit… tyler sees jamie take off his shirt once because it got soaked and loses his mind.

jack hughes (brother of turf guys luke and quinn) absolutely has the biggest crush on his coworker, fellow clubhouse worker nico hischier. once nico got wet in the rain and soaked through his white work shirt and jack almost lost his fucking mind. absolutely twirling his hair kicking his feet.

both pairs of bruins that i like (bergeron/marchand and swayman/ullmark) are fun little golf tandems. me when i get a hole in one and hug and twirl around a kiss my golf partner. what if we kissed in the front seat of a golf cart. and all that.

finally… honourable mention to john tavares (golfer, has his own labelled golf cart at a course in toronto… love that for you king….) kris letang (turf) and marc-andré fleury (clubhouse) who get to listen to sid moan and groan about geno, and self jarvis (turf) who is completely out of place among the other teams included in this au but i love him so hes here lmfaoo

anyway. yeah. i have LOTS of ideas about this au if you couldnt tell and anon i am SO happy you asked abt it… sorry it took me a few days i have to write like most days for school this semester and its leaving me Very Little time to do anything but reblog posts and draw matty and woller. MATTY AND WOLLER. oh my god i cant believe i almost forgot them uhhh…..

matthew knies and joseph woll are….. both turf workers maybe… yeah. call that lets talk while filling divots on the course or raking bunkers. what if we kissed in the rain while shovelling dirt and seed mix into small holes over and over again. Them

OK IM DONE FR NOW. thank you so much sorry there are no visuals i have written this mostly in class now but if you want to know more or if you want me to elaborate on a specific dynamic (or add some people, because god knows these are just the guys i know/like) or want visuals for anything i can 100% provide, might just take a bit again haha… ilysm anon you made my week

[tapejob]

hockeyblr linguistics - a preliminary analysis

hey all! as some of you know, i sent out a hockeyblr lingo survey a few days/weeks/something ago. as of today i finally have the free time to tackle it. big thanks to everyone who took the time to fill out the survey, and without further ado: a kind of hasty, barely technical, preliminary analyses of hockeyblr lingo!

this dataset features around 21 main questions, with a sample size of around 673 respondents. partial responses were also combined in the final dataset because i got tired of waiting. obligatory disclaimer on response bias due to the nature of an online survey, etc etc.

i'm dividing this analysis mainly question-by-question, but also organized somewhat by themes/section. while we're mainly covering vocab + pronunciations, there's also sections looking at connotations/sentiment associated with words, and hockeyblr behavior patterns. it is very late at night, please bear with me if i get anything wrong.

section i: vocab + pronounciation demographics

Q1: vocabulary associated with the hat trick*

*as anon and multiple respondents have mentioned, this specific question contains a typo that may have affected data collection. the original question posed was 'what do you call three goals in a period?', which caused some confusion. though i think this data is enough to get the gist of it, this is something to keep in mind. i spent some time cleaning the 'other' responses and incorporating any '3 goals in a GAME is a hatty' responses into the other points, but i apologize for the confusion, haha

'hatty' as a casual reference seems to dominate the preferences. the other two spellings of hat trick seem to be less popular, but still present in the sample. in addition, 2 respondents brought up using 'HT' and/or 'H-T' as shorthand.

it is curious to note: in 'other' responses, at least 12 separate people brought up that they would use 'hatty' and 'hat trick' interchangeably (while only 1 person brought up they would use 'hatty' and 'hattrick', and no one mentioned 'hatty' and 'hat-trick' as pairs).

Q2: What is the title of the player that guards the team's net?

'goalie' seems heavily favored, while 'goaltender' and 'tendie' come after. given that these three terms are most likely to be derived from each other (goalie from goal, tendie from tender), it's understandable: goaltender is the official position name in ice hockey. yet it's curious how 'goalie' is so much more preferred, compared to say the hatty vs hat trick.

i bring this up anecdotally because i remember talking with a friend of mine not in hockey (but into other sports), and she laughed a bit incredulously when i said 'goaltender', like i was making a joke. 'what a weird name, tender, haha,' she'd said, and i got. extremely confused for a moment because i had been so used to it being common vocab.

Q3: What is the term you use to reference who calls the game?

as also mentioned in the other section, there are a lot of people on the ice with a lot of different titles (ref vs linesmen) - how much of this data captures the people who care and specify (mentioned in the others responses) vs those who just call everyone ref (also mentioned in the others responses)? something to consider in the future. in addition, 'zebra' surprised me as a somewhat common term, given that i rarely see it used on my dash.

a big oversight on my part was forgetting to put 'refs' as an option - that's why the 'other' chunk seems so large here. below is an expansion on the 'other' responses:

Q4: How do you pronounce the term for the period played following a tie at the end of the 3rd period?

this question sort of combines pronunciation and vocab in one. once again, shorthand seems to be favored (specifically the 'OT (oh-tee)' pronunciation, though there were still respondents for the other pronunciation). interestingly, more fun terms were also reflected among a decent couple people in the 'other' section, shown below in the figure.

shoutout, also, to the respondent who called an instance of overtime 'instant victory'.

Q5: How do you pronounce the term that references when your team gets to play with an extra man on the ice due to a penalty from the other team?

interestingly, this is one of the questions where the shorthand wasn't favored (powerplay over pp). also, as @bisexualingmaliciously brought up: terms like man advantage, commonly favored during announcing, aren't as widely favored, while pee-pee (wouldn't be caught dead on air if they can help it) is considerably larger of a chunk. shoutout, also, to the respondent who pronounces pp as 'puh'.

in other responses, 'poplay' was also brought up as a term. another respondent made a specific distinction that powerplay was used for speaking, but PP for typing - this gap might be something to consider in the future.

Q6: How do you pronounce the term that references when a player gets a goal into a net that a goaltender has been pulled from?

'empty netter' as a term falls into a somewhat shorthand purgatory (with the full term as empty net goal, and true shorthand as ENG). it's similar vibe i assume as calling hat trick -> hatty -> HT. also, unlike PP and OT, ENG pronunciation is slightly more varied (not by a lot, but a little).

within 'other', 5 respondents also cited 'empty net' as their term. obviously this might not be favored due to the confusion (empty net as the event of not having the goalie in the net, vs empty net as the goal on that specific empty net). yet in the sentence 'crosby got the ___', why do the majority of us prefer empty netter over empty net (which, i do recall instances of announcers using as well)? does the 'er' ending roll off the tongue better? expansion on other response data below:

another note: a respondent made a specific distinction that empty netter was for speaking, while ENG is for typing.

Q7: "The other team is coming to our __"

i do think it's interesting that the sort of stadium/localization for the playing field is built off the materials surrounding the sport. 'turf' and 'field' are pretty widely used for field sports, and we have a similar reflection when put into the context of hockey: arena, rink, ice.

'other' distributions also reflect sentiments on 'house/home' -- rather than home turf, our home ice -- or calling out the specific territories. however, there were also a couple responses stating that they would never phrase or say anything along these lines.

Q8: How do you describe a situation where one team is playing 5 players on the ice, and the other team is playing 3 players?

There's a huge preference for '5-on-3' rather than '5v3' as a term. However, something interesting to note: from the 'other' responses, there was one respondent who used '3-on-5', and one who uses '2 man advantage' and '2 adder' interchangeably.

Q9: How do you describe a situation where both teams have 5 players on the ice?

Here, though the number-on-number format is still a large chunk, 'even strength' gains a closer ground (despite '2 man advantage' not having a similar effect on the previous set, even if both terms seem to be contextually linked). in the 'other' responses, there was one respondent who simply cut the term into simply 'even', and also 2 respondents who called this 'normal'/'a normal situation'.

Q10: vocabulary associated with dick trick

*this specific question contains a typo that may have affected data collection. the original question posed was 'what do you call four goals in a period?', which caused some confusion. i went through the same data cleaning procedures, but given this is a 'lesser known' sort of term, it's harder to guarantee that confusion is accurate or reflective.

The majority seemed to have 'dick trick' down - an interesting term, considering that it's not technically an official hockey term, but was popularized from thornton's quote and definitely isn't said on-air.

'other' responses vary: there is a great amount who expressed confusion over the term or called it simply '4 goals' (may be influenced by the question wording, as mentioned). others seemed aware of the reference ('joe thornton special'), or had a different term ('gettysburg hat trick', 'poker', spin on the word hatty).

Q11: What do you call the area that players sit in during their penalty?

more variation in this response - it seems roughly equally divided between 'the box', 'penalty box', and 'sin bin'. within 'other' responses, the sentiment surrounding the box revolved around either playful/childish terms, or those that involve connotations of punishment or crime.

some respondents also remarked that their language around the ox will change based on the situation: for example, 'Time out or prison depending on severity' and 'juvie (if it’s a rookie) crimes corral'.

Q12: What do you call a player whose role is often aggressive and expected to fight in defense of their teammates?

'enforcer' and 'goon' seem to be the heavily favored terms -- however, commentary from 'other' respondents also mentioned that a few believe the terms to be dated, corresponding to historical roles that no longer have a place in the game.

a few responses also called this role 'rat' adjacent, 'bad/big boy', or a similar term referring to the size of the player ('the tank', 'the muscle').

Q13: What do you call a player whose role is primarily situated on defense?

'd-man' as a shorthand holds a large portion of responses (once again, a similar middle ground shorthand format). however, of the 'other' responses, there was a group who also referred to this position as 'defender' and 'defense', as well as one respondent who specified a 'dman' without the hyphen from the multiple choice.

Q14: What do you call a player who often seeks to agitate opponents and draw penalties?

'pest' and 'rat' seem to be the big terms here, with very little surprise. there is however, a plethora of other nicknames available in the 'other' responses

the sentiment towards this player role also seems much friendlier in comparison to other role questions (multiple references to positive endearments, nicknames, or players).

Q15: Which of these terms do you (commonly) use?

this particular question was multiple-response for a reason - i want to take a deeper dive on these associations later. for now, it's interesting to note that specific shot terms, often finisher acts (e.g. 'slapshot', 'one-timer') are somewhat more used than those involved with skills (e.g. 'toe drag').

section ii: connotations/sentiment association

Q16: Oldest age of a baby ___ ?

here are some violin plots on that specific question (which i loved). though this stat has somewhat been alluded to in literature before (the so-called primes/development curves of each position), it's nice to see it in numbers.

a 'baby goaltender' can essentially be older than that of the other 'baby' positions (however, with greater spread - indicating that there was potentially a range of responses in terms of goaltender age). an old baby prospect is the youngest of them all, with the smallest spread.

Q17: Your "national broadcast" refers to:

evidently, regionally based associations come into play here. within the 'other' distribution, there is a range of responses, from those who have never heard/used the term 'national broadcast' before, those not in the US/Canada, to those who define it as anything outside of their local broadcast (no association with any particular brand). there is also a healthy amount of illegal stream usage.

Q18: What do you call it?

this question was deliberately a bit vague, relying on respondents to know the context through the answer choices. even so, 'narrative' won out overwhelmingly. how did this term come about, and why do we all specifically associate so much with it -- choosing it over other terms such as sports magic or story?

on the flip side, 'other' spouted multiple responses who were unfamiliar with the term. so how did that 77.56% suddenly and undeniably understand the term and its connotations? what part of the hockeyblr bubble has assimilated this particular figure of speech for us?

Q19: What does the above term mean to you?

this question was a free response, aiming to look at the sentiments and connotations associated with the term, and received around 342 responses. responses varied from snippets of poetry, objective definitions, confusion from those who aren't familiar with the term, and also a few associations with rpf.

i did a sentiment analysis on the dataset per response, and graphed the positive, negative, and neutral sentiments on a 3d scatterplot.

though a majority of responses featured generally positive-neutral sentiments, there was variation and the addition of negative sentiments in the set as well. looking at a violin plot of the compounded sentiment (combining the positive, neutral, and negative)

though the majority falls neutral in sentiment, and an average skews towards positive, narrative sentiment continues to vary.

in addition, topic modeling was done on the dataset, split into both negative and positive topic models. 10 topics were each generated from the lda models. from the positive topic model, the following topics were generated (terms, with their corresponding weights)

'0.033*"dreams" + 0.033*"perseverance" + 0.033*"strength" + 0.033*"maths" + ' '0.033*"hopes" + 0.033*"finesse" + 0.033*"feats" + 0.033*"essence" + ' '0.033*"peoples" + 0.022*"interactions"'

'0.054*"fun" + 0.053*"used" + 0.051*"happen" + 0.034*"talent" + ' '0.033*"family" + 0.026*"numerology" + 0.026*"moments" + 0.026*"improbable" ' '+ 0.026*"golden" + 0.026*"sids"

'0.167*"story" + 0.054*"win" + 0.048*"season" + 0.040*"team" + ' '0.025*"beyond" + 0.022*"g" + 0.019*"adds" + 0.019*"case" + 0.016*"underdog" ' '+ 0.016*"neatly"'

'0.099*"hockey" + 0.081*"way" + 0.056*"magic" + 0.052*"it" + ' '0.046*"definitely" + 0.040*"fan" + 0.037*"terms" + 0.026*"thing" + ' '0.025*"much" + 0.023*"special"

'0.067*"cup" + 0.059*"team" + 0.039*"whats" + 0.034*"uplifting" + ' '0.034*"bonding" + 0.027*"us" + 0.026*"dynamics" + 0.024*"theme" + ' '0.016*"intricate" + 0.015*"overarching"

'0.059*"storyline" + 0.058*"player" + 0.056*"lore" + 0.048*"career" + ' '0.047*"emotional" + 0.034*"satisfying" + 0.032*"team" + 0.026*"goal" + ' '0.024*"beloved" + 0.023*"important"

'0.100*"tale" + 0.055*"one" + 0.050*"thats" + 0.043*"on" + 0.039*"sport" + ' '0.036*"reason" + 0.024*"cant" + 0.024*"supreme" + 0.024*"pornography" + ' '0.024*"define"

'0.056*"luck" + 0.040*"friendships" + 0.036*"the" + 0.034*"put" + ' '0.025*"words" + 0.025*"stoned" + 0.025*"research" + 0.025*"figure" + ' '0.025*"ur" + 0.025*"playoffs"

'0.059*"current" + 0.037*"trying" + 0.033*"theyre" + 0.030*"creates" + ' '0.030*"cohesive" + 0.030*"life" + 0.029*"guy" + 0.021*"urban" + 0.021*"ppl" ' '+ 0.021*"gay"

'0.047*"pekka" + 0.023*"kisses" + 0.023*"nashville" + 0.023*"must" + ' '0.023*"mika" + 0.023*"juuse" + 0.023*"letang" + 0.023*"hugs" + 0.023*"kane" ' '+ 0.023*"chis"

read through them. i think i cried when i did. it's like.... that's the narrative, huh.

section iii: hockeyblr behavior patterns

Q20: How would you tag a post about Mitch Marner?

this question aimed to look at how users tagged players -- though i tried to pick a player that could be looked on mostly ambivalently, i obviously failed badly. for that i apologize.

though the #[first name] [last name] format that most player tags use seem to be the most common, there are an evidently varied amount of responses regarding the player in question. people either hate mitch or love him, 'other' responses included responses from 'i would not post about him/i have his tag blocked' to variations of 'minch/affectionate nicknames', to a response who didn't know who he was.

other tagging styles mentioned included specific player tags for only players on user's followed teams, or exceptions for specific players. also used was the #p:[name] format for players.

Q21: How would you tag a post about the Toronto Maple Leafs?

as opposed to the full name variation for player marner, 'leafs' as the shorthand name wins out over 'toronto maple leafs' as the full team name.

however, this is also dependent on cultural context - the leafs have always been referred to as the leafs. does this tagging etiquette extend to teams such as columbus (would you tag it cbj, jackets, etc)?

conclusions/future considerations: i hate writing this part in real academic papers so i get the choice to half-ass it on my fake no effort one. hockeyblr is fascinating, and you know - why do we tend to say the things we do? there were a few questions i posed in this dataset that would be interesting to pursue if i or anyone else had the time or the time (good god). and considering how unique we are as a niche, how does hockeyblr compare to a different dataset with similar questions? something to consider.

anyway, i hope you guys learned something from this huge post. if you read through all that, you're the greatest. thanks again for reading, hope you enjoyed this not-at-all-academic study.

[shurisneakers]

harmless (xii)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader)

Warnings: cursing, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader, smidge of angst, guns, too many TV show references, obnoxious flirting, and riverdale lol

Word count: 6.3k

A/N: hello this is a chaos chapter. special shoutout to an anon who suggested a WandaVision themed episode, @obsessivelycapricious for the ideas, @spiderrpcrker loml for some of crackhead content here and @ugherik for take 2 of the spin on the “a platypus!??!“ [perry puts his hat on] “perry the platypus!???” thing. i am exhausted

Previous Part  || Series Masterlist

“Mr. Barnes,” you announce when he opens the door to let himself in.

He raises his hand in a small wave, strolling across the floor to where you were standing.

“You are-��� You check the watch on your wrist, “-ten minutes late.”

“Tragic,” he replies dryly. 

“Imagine if I didn’t wait for you and started my plan anyway. Total world annihilation.” You’re standing on the platform, lugging a heavy table on wheels and an old timey TV with you.

“The world hasn’t ended yet, I’d say it’s fine.” He makes his way to the base of the stairs, waiting for you to reach the top before he helps.

“How was therapy?” you question, one hand on the TV to support it. 

“Like always.” He shrugs, lifting the whole set up and placing it on the ground. “She told me I need to chill out.”

“I’d say she’s right.”

“Yeah, well-” He uses his metal arm to help you pull the table along. “I think she has her hands full with the other nine hundred problems I have.”

Once you guide it to the centre of the room, he lets go of it and takes a step back.

“Boom.”

“This TV is older than | am.” He knocks the top of it, a hollow metal sound resounding through.

“That's impossible,” you drawl obnoxiously. “You're, like, a billion years old.”

“I’m a gazillion, so watch your mouth,” he warns in mock seriousness. “What are you doing with this?”

“One second.” You hold up a finger, sorting out your priorities. “Your hair's getting long again.”

He raises an eyebrow. “That's what happens when it grows over time.”

“You look like a prince.” His hair fell to his ear by now and you figured the haircut did him well because the volume in his tresses was lively.

Bucky pulls at it slightly, eying a lock. “That a bad thing?”

“No.” He looked nice. “I like it.”

“Okay.” He pushes back a smile, nodding slightly.

Really nice.

“I think I will hit on you obnoxiously today.” 

He exhales, pressing his lips together in a straight line. “When do you not?”

“Anyway,” you begin again, keeping a hand on the TV. “I saw your reaction to Netflix’s best movie last time-”

His face falls. “We’re not watching the sequel.”

“Hush.” You raise a finger in warning. “There’s no point in watching The Kissing Booth 2-”

“We finally agree on something,” he deadpans. “Who woulda thought?”

“-when you can live it.” You raise the remote in triumph. “Behold, the Television Transporter... inator.”

“That’s the name?” He looks unimpressed, rightfully so. You had given him names like The Air Morphomatic Inator before. This was nothing. 

“I’m workshopping it,” you urge him to move on. “I built it in a hurry for us.”

“Is this thing even safe?” He taps at the glass.

“We’re gonna find out,” you mumble before raising your voice again. “You ever looked at a Hallmark movie and think, ‘gosh, I wish I was in that small, vaguely terrifying town!’”

“No.”

“When you’re watching a sci-fi movie and think, “jeez, I wish I was the one getting probed by that alien!”

“No.”

“When you’re watching erotica and-”

“No,” he interrupts before you complete your obscene thought.

“Well, today’s your lucky day.” You clap your hands together in excitement. “Because you can do all of that.”

“Why are you advertising this to me?” His feeling of suspiciousness rises with every second. “What is this, a pitch meeting?”

“I thought I’d make it fun.” You pouted. “Monologuing is so two weeks ago.”

He doesn’t reply.

“Also, I didn’t exactly get to test this out so...” you trail off. “And it technically only runs TV shows for now. If you want, we can do this next week after I do a few test runs with my clones.”

He had a mission next weekend, followed a fundraiser event and even though he would definitely rather spend it here, he doesn’t really have the time.

“What if something goes wrong?” he asks, just in case.

“I swear I’ll pull the plug,” you promise. “No pun intended.”

That’s enough for him.

“Guess ‘m gonna have to destroy it before it’s fully functional.” He’s still feeling the adrenaline spike from the compliment you gave him earlier. Might as well make use of it.

You grin at his spontaneity. “Anyway, here’s the evil part-”

“Oh, joy.”

“You’re mouthy today, Barnes.” You take a pause. “I like it. Keeping things spicy.”

“Just doing my part.” He shakes his head, owing it the unusual sense of confidence compared to what he had when he initially walked in “Go on, the evil part is?”

“They get thrown into any show across all networks or streaming platforms.” The smile on your face is nothing short of sinister. “If they’re especially bad, they’re going straight to Riverdale.”

“You can control it?”

“Well,” you pause, “no, not yet. But I’ll get there.”

Bucky just continues anyway. “And who are you planning to send?”

“For a start, it’d be that asshole Jeff from work.” Ah yes, he remembers Jeff. Baking soda volcano guy. “He’s gonna know the epic highs and lows of high school football.”

He brushes it off as a reference he doesn’t get yet.

“After that, anyone who’s inconvenienced me ever.” You spread your arms out. “And then the whole tri-state area.”

There’s a loud booming sound throughout the lair, similar to a dun dun dun in every superhero movie ever.

Bucky waits for it to subside before continuing, “How long did it take you to do that?”

“An embarrassing amount of time,” you admit, dropping your hands to your side again. “But it’s cool, right?”

“Sure.”

“You know it is.”

“Move on.”

“Right, so taking over the tri-state area, blah blah, end of the world as we know it-”

“What if I pull the plug?” He points to the cable connecting it to the socket.

“You wouldn’t.”

He stares at you. “You know I would.”

“Yeah, you would,” you huff. “Which is why it’s just for show. It doesn’t actually do anything.”

“What if I punch a hole through it?”

“Why is that your first resort?” you whine. “There’s only one way to stop it and it’s the remote I made.”

“That remote?” He looks at the one in your hand and you nod. 

“We get two minutes per channel, so that’s fun,” you explain, walking towards the TV. “You can pick your character but since you don’t know most of them, it’s gonna be even better. Kinda wanna see you as Luke from Gilmore Girls.”

“Great,” he drags the word sarcastically. “And what about you?”

“I’m always the main character, baby, everywhere I go.” You give him a mischievous grin, raising the remote over your head. “See you there.” 

He watched you in amusement as you press the ‘on’ button before falling straight into the TV set.

The world goes dark.

**

When you open your eyes again, you’re in front of a wooden door, an entrance to the large grey building. 

The remote’s not in your hand. There’s a slight moment of panic before you feel the strain of a sling bag on your shoulder. You rummage haphazardly through the contents, finally letting out a breath of relief when you find the remote under a bunch of pens and other knick-knacks.

You push the doors open, and take a step into the establishment, almost immediately greeted by the sight of Bucky standing at the bar. Behind the bar, actually. 

There’s a towel thrown over his shoulder, a blue flannel adorning his body and a half-empty bottle of tequila in his hand.

The doorbell tinging alerts him to your presence.

“Y/N.” 

“James,” you reciprocate, making your way over to the barstools. “You’re bartending.”

He motions at his state. “Apparently I am.” 

Where had you seen this particular bar before? With its u-shaped counter and solid wooden furniture, a TV mounted at the apex of the alcohol shelf. The old jukebox in the corner is a hint, a bit of nostalgia but it’s ultimately the curved booths that are the key.

“New Girl.” You twist your body around. “We’re in New Girl. And so that makes you...”

“A fucking bartender,” he repeats. “What am I doing here?”

Nick goddamn Miller.

A grin curves upwards on your face. “I’d like an Old Fashioned.”

“No.” Bucky shakes his head, placing the bottle of tequila far away from your immediate reach. 

“The most complicated drink you have, then, barkeep,” you declare, settling in and making yourself more comfortable on the stool. 

Bucky dips below the counter before rising again. He drops a water bottle in front of you. “No.”

“C’mon,” you urge. “I’m a teacher, I’m basically your Jessica Day.”

“I don’t know who that is.” Bore. That wasn’t going to keep you from having fun. “What’s happening? Why am I wearing this... thing?”

He picks at the faded flannel that had a few holes near its hem. Definitely a Nick Miller shirt.

“You’re in character, Bucko.” You watch as he pulls the towel away from his shoulder and drops it on the floor. “I can totally see why you picked this guy.”

“I didn’t pick him-”

“Constantly irritated, the personality of an old man, in love with a teacher.” You sigh dreamily. “One and the same.” 

“I didn’t sign up for Comic Con today,” he interrupts, looking for the slab to lift so he could make his way over to you. 

“How do you know what Comic Con is?” You follow his movements, one leg on the floor in case you had to make a run for it. 

He doesn’t reply, focusing on lifting the counter so he can get it done with. The countertop doesn’t budge. He tries to jump over it but something that feels like a forcefield repulses him backwards, preventing him from doing so.

“Why can’t I get out of here?”

“Plot demands that you stay there.” You take a sip innocently, pulling your seat a few feet away from the counter. “Nick Miller never crosses the bar. It’s a whole thing.”

He turns around, exposing his back to you as he tries to scout for another way.

“What else can’t I do here?”

“I don’t know,” you admit, taking a look around for any sort of clue. “I guess we’ll find out.”

“How am I supposed to fix this then?” He rolls his eyes. He had a few ways but they were semi-violent and for international criminals, not you. 

“Get me drunk and maybe I’ll let you steal the remote.” You bat your eyelashes at him. “We can even play spin the bottle.”

Bucky stares at you long and hard before reaching over and grabbing his previously discarded bottle of tequila.

“I was kidding.” You snort. “You gotta try harder than getting me drunk. Although, I’m still up for the spin the bottle.”

“You're serious about the hitting on me thing.” He looks at you in slight disdain.

“I would never joke about that,” you swear, turning the cap on your water bottle before jumping off. “Anyway, see you soon.”

“Where you going?” His eyebrows pull low.

You look down at your watch before glancing up at him again. 

“Channel’s changing.” You stick your finger up and he follows where you’re pointing. 

The bar starts fading into a field of static, bringing the familiar white noise from your past along with it before everything goes black.

You look around, finding nothing but yourself in the vast expanse of the void. Existential. 

Nice.

The brief seconds you get to yourself, you think about how you didn’t get a choice in which character you got to play but you wondered if he did. If he was choosing on purpose to play someone reluctantly in love with you- well, the feeling you had in your stomach was one that you were going to equate to butterflies. 

**

When the world suddenly snaps back into colour, you’re not upright.

You’re sitting in the driver’s seat with your hands on the steering wheel, foot on the pedal.

There’s a Creedence Clearwater Revival song playing softly on the radio of the sleek, black muscle car you’re driving.

“What the-” You look down at your clothes, running your hand over your jacket, patting yourself down. “A lumberjack? Why am I playing a lumberjack?”

There were so many layers, at least three from what you could make out. A t-shirt, an overshirt and a jacket on top of that. No wonder the AC was on full blast, it was absolutely scorching. 

“Keep your eyes on the fuckin’ road!” A voice yells from behind you, yanking the steering wheel away from the series of blaring honks and bright lights that almost blind you. A truck passes by, its driver sticking his head out the window to curse at you.

“Mr. Barnes, what are you doing back there?” You ignore the possible life and death situation that might have occurred a few seconds ago since it was irrelevant by now. “Am I your chauffeur?” 

“Fuck if I know.” You look at him through the rearview mirror.

Besides the scowl on his face, his hair was parted down the side, he wore a white button-up, a tie and a black blazer but the most damning piece of evidence:

A beige trench coat.

Your mind races to put it together before the fucking car and the woodcutter attire suddenly make sense.

“Oh, my God.” It’s a little concerning how hard you laugh. “Shit, are you supposed to be Castiel?”

“Who?” He glared at you from the rearview mirror.

“Fuck, that means I’m Dean.” You glance down at your outfit again. “Is Supernatural still going on?”

“Eyes on the road,” he barks again from his seat. Supernatural? He’d definitely heard of the show, even seen a few out of context Reels on Instagram. 

“Yeah, yeah.” You roll your eyes. “Because this show is known for permanently killing off characters. You die and come back, like, every five minutes.” Ah, so just like his friends in real life. 

“Give me the remote” He leans forward in the space between the passenger and driver’s seat. “I’m already sick of this.”

A screech of the tires follows your jerking of the steering wheel to the right, throwing him to the backseat as the car lurched to the other lane.

“I’m in control here, Bucko,” you chortle, giving him a once over to make sure he was fine. “Plus the remote’s not in my pocket, I can’t feel it.

You couldn’t feel it when you ran your hands down your jacket. The lack of command you had over where the remote landed was definitely a glitch you hadn’t considered, but made a mental note of. 

“Then where is it?” He checks to see if it’s maybe in his pocket. No such luck. “Your inator is a mess.” 

“You’re my angel boyfriend, you’re supposed to be nice to me.” You watch his movements to see what he was up to. “Did you pick your character on purpose?”

“I’m not your boyfriend.” He rolls his eyes, checking the backseat and under the cushion to see if it was anywhere there. 

“Yet.” You grin at him. “And judging by the show, you won’t ever be but we can make it happen in real life.”

“No,” he denies simply, leaning forward to open the glove compartment when he realised it wasn’t at the back. “And I didn’t pick my character.”

“At all?”

He grunts in affirmation, hand jutting out to keep his balance as he checked under your seat. 

“That’s weird, I made sure it was programmed to let you do that.” Your tongue pushed against your cheek in contemplation. “Huh.” 

Guess there were more glitches than you thought. 

You swerve the car again and he’s worried that the passenger’s side headrest might just snap under the grip of his metal arm. 

“Even then, you know, I don’t think it’s fate that we’re playing two people in love for the second time,” you sing as if you didn’t pull the car onto a different lane and back within a second. “We’re meant to be.”

“Stop doing that,” he hisses, straightening himself again from where he was pressed against the door. 

“Doing what?” 

“Driving like a maniac,” he fires, grabbing hold of both the headrests this time.

“Oh, so you’re fine with the flirting?” Your lips curve upwards into a smile. 

“Couldn’t stop that even if I tried, now could I?” he mumbles sardonically, eyeing the road ahead for any possible reason for you to swerve into the other lane. There’s a car in the distance, a guarantee that you won’t repeat your behaviour. Hopefully.

“I would if you wanted me to.” You catch his gaze in the mirror. “You just have to say the word.”

He looks at your reflection, realising that you were dead serious about it too, no hint of a joke on your face. 

“Move,” he commands instead, climbing into the front seat, ungracefully shoving your head in the process. 

He supposes that was answer enough. 

There’s no denying the little smile that makes its way onto your face which you drop immediately in favour of indignation when he clumsily lands beside you.

“There’s no point in getting the remote, Bucky,” you protest, pushing him away with one hand. “We could rather be making history on this show by dating. I already know you’re in love with me so this should be easy.”

“Jesus Christ,” he grumbles, the tips of his ears turning pink as he reached over to the glove compartment. You waste no opportunity, clearly.

“We have like 3 seconds left.” You scoff, looking for a second at your watch. “Where are we going next on the list of shows that never end? The Walking Dead? Grey’s Anatomy?”

Just as he opens the compartment the trees outside melt into grey, the white noise making a return as the car disappears from under you. 

You wonder if he’s in his little void too when your world goes dark. 

**

You blink rapidly to adjust to the sunlight beating down on you with the mid-noon heat. 

You’re on what looks like a large farmland. Dirt caked your limbs and you had the rattiest clothes on, ones that clearly hadn’t seen the washing machine in a while. 

“Ugh.” Sweat dripped from your forehead to your chin and you wiped it off with your forearm. 

“Let’s keep it moving people.” You wouldn’t mistake his voice for anyone else, no matter how far away he was from you.

Bucky had a bomber jacket on, a rifle pressed to his side and mud streaked across his face as he hustles a group of people down a path leading to a mansion. 

And though he’s hurrying and seems like he’s in a state of worry, judging by the constant glances he gives over his shoulder, what really catches your attention is the stupid fucking sheriff’s hat he has on his head.

“Sarge!” you call out, waving your hands over your head to catch his attention. You’re a considerable distance down the road away from him, somehow isolated from the rest of the group.

You can see him mouth a ‘what the’ before stalking towards you.

The dumb thing on his head looks even more ridiculous up close. 

“Now I know you wouldn’t choose to wear that.” You stifle a laugh, hands on your hips as you gave him a once over. “But from the neck down, you look really hot.”

He looks at you blankly. “The Walkers are coming.”

“What wa- oh, is that where we are?” you squint, doing a survey of your surroundings. “The fuckin’ Walking Dead?”

“Keep your volume down and get inside,” he hisses, pointing to the house down the path.

“I was kidding about the shows that didn’t end.” You pay no attention to him, instead, a little scoff escaping you in disbelief. “I didn’t think we’d actually show up here, what the fuck?”

“They’re coming.”

“Would you relax, none of this is going to matter in a minute. Aren’t there supposed to be zombies?” You shield your eyes from the sun as you stand on your toes to try and see beyond the horizon. “I don’t know who I’m supposed to be playing but let’s makeout anyway.”

He doesn’t curse or groan at your stupid attempt to hit on him.

Instead, he freezes for a second, eyes trailing over your shoulder. 

“What?” You follow his line of sight, craning your body to do so.

Your ears picked up the sound of several leaves cracking under heavy feet, low groans and strangled cries nearing in the distance.

“Oh, there they are. Hello.” You watched the herd of dead people stumble their way towards you with a vengeance. “This is so stupid. They walk, like, one mile an hour. We’ll be gone by then-”

The next thing you hear is a gun cocking before a bullet whizzes past your head and lodges itself into the head of the Walker nearest to you. 

“Bucky, holy shit, don’t do that.” You press your hand to your chest to calm down the racing heartbeat. “Give me a warning at least.”

“Who the hell is Bucky?” He frowns, loading more bullets into the gun.

“What do you mean who’s Bucky?” Your eyebrows knit together. “What kinda dialogue is that?”

“I don’t know who you are but you need to leave,” he demands, raising the stupid rifle again. “Get back to the house.”

“Why, so you can trap me and steal the remote? Ha no, nice try.” You narrow your eyes. “This is changing in thirty seconds.”

“What remote?” He cocks the gun again.

He fires another shot behind you and you yelp, jumping slightly. “Motherfucker, stop doing that! Is this supposed to be revenge for the dumb car thing?”

“What’s changing?” He catches your gaze, a serious question posed on his lips.

“The channel.” You mentioned around. “You know, we shift to another one in twenty seconds. You’re supposed to find the remote?”

Speaking of which, you had no idea where it was. You didn’t consider outfits without a pocket to be a possibility but apparently, the television world did, and the remote was probably sprawled somewhere on the grass.

Or maybe it was under Bucky’s ridiculous hat. 

You snickered at the thought. 

“What are you talking about?” The confusion on his face is evident as he lowers the gun.

You frown. “What do you mean, what am I talking about?” 

He doesn’t answer instead shouting a quick “Run!” before firing a shot behind you.

The static returns again, the white noise drowning out the cries of the undead for two seconds before it stops again.

The world changes to black but the frown on your face remains.

Was he fucking with you or was this genuinely a glitch in the system?

**

You’re indoors this time. The room is messy, filled to the brim with a bunch of knick knacks all around you. The ventilation is poor, none of the stained glass windows an inlet for fresh air. 

There’s a can of God knows what in your hand and a Bible in front of you on the table where you’re seated. 

“What’s with all the alcohol?” you scoff, lifting the can to inspect it. “I told you, it’s not gonna work.” 

He clears his throat and you look to your left.

Oh fuck.

He was dressed in a black clergy shirt with a clerical colour, his prince hair slightly messy, and the same can as yours in his hand. You don’t even need to think to be able to recognise who he’s supposed to be. 

Jesus.

“You’re the hot- I mean cool- priest,” you mumble, unable to tear your eyes away from him. “From Fleabag.”

“A cool priest?” He laughs and holy shit, you’ve never seen anything more attractive on a person before. “No, I’m a big reader with no friends.”

He knew the dialogue? You didn’t know he watched the show.

“Uh huh.” You think you say that. You may be staring too hard at the smile on his face to actually formulate words.

“Are you a cool person?” Bucky asks instead, raising the can to his lips to take a swig. 

Was this his plan? To fluster you enough to surrender?

“The coolest.” That was definitely not the dialogue from the show but who cares at this point. 

Hell, his plan may just be working. 

“Oh, the coolest?” The expression on his face is so easy, so content that you wonder why you don’t see it more often. He looks amused and gosh, real pretty when he smiled like that. “What makes you the coolest person?”

He should not look that good. He should not look that good.

“Um-” you shake your head, snapping yourself out of it. 

“Are you okay?” There’s a crease that appears between his eyebrows in concern.

You cannot crush on a priest. Fuck that, you cannot crush on Bucky as a priest.

“Uh huh.” You nod, looking for the can in front of you to give you a reason not to stare at his stupid face. “You’re really playing into this character, aren’t you? I almost believe you could be a priest.”

“I’m glad it’s believable.” He gives a slightly confused laugh, “considering, you know, it’s my job.”

“Right,” you deadpan. “You’re totally not trying to seduce me into giving you the remote. Well, it didn’t work in Walking Dead, and it’s not going to work now, no matter how hot you look.”

He raises an eyebrow, not knowing how to respond. “Thank you?”

There was a minute left. Exactly how long had you been staring at him?

“Actually, I’m not sure where it is.” You shuffle around in your seat to look for it, somewhat of a distraction. “Did you see it fall anywhere when we showed up here?”

“Where what is?”

“The remote.” You check under your chair, but it isn’t there. 

When you come back up, the intensity with which he’s looking at you causes your stomach to flutter. Fuckin’ hell.

“I have to be honest, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He leans forward again, leaning his weight on his elbows.

“That’s real subtle, Buck.” You snort, a sort of uneasiness spreading within you. “You're a good actor.”

He doesn’t respond but the smile on his face does falter a bit.

A second of silence passes by when neither of you say anything. 

Fifteen seconds to go, a voice in your head reminds you. 

He doesn’t make any effort to say anything, only waiting for your next move.

Stop staring at him.

“I need to ask you something and I need you to be serious.” You clear your throat, lips pressing together.

“Go ahead.” He nods, listening intently. 

“Are you fucking around or is something actually wrong?” 

There’s a beat of silence between you both.

Bucky tilts his head in confusion. “I'm afraid I don’t get your reference?”

Something was definitely up.

Five seconds.

“Where’s the fucking remote?” you discard any other objective you had, focusing on finding your exit out of that show. Maybe the glitch would work itself out if you turned the whole system on and off. 

“Why are you so interested in searching for this remote?” He tries to get off his chair to come your aid even though he has no idea what was going on, but something tugs him back down, forcing him to sit there. Fucking plot convenience. 

“This is no fun if you’re not actively getting annoyed,” you whine. “And it’s sad because you look really cute when you’re happy.”

“Thank you?” he asks again but you don’t look at him when the void returns, sighing instead as you rest your hand on your knees.

**

This time, the second you open your eyes you’re on the prowl for the dumb gadget. 

He’s in front of you with possibly the worst combination of clothes that day. His denim sherpa jacket, grey-black flannel and maroon t-shirt just didn’t sit right on him.

Your eyes trail upwards, finding all his hair, but a side swoop in the front, pushed under a beanie. You scoff. He looked like an amalgamation of every grown man Netflix tries to pass off as a teenager.

“Who on earth put you in that fugly beanie?” You look around. “Actually, I don’t care. Help me find the remote.”

You pulled up chairs and boxes off the floor, nose twitching in disdain at the state of the dingy room you were in. The utter lack of proper lighting made it more difficult for you.

“In case you haven’t noticed-” he starts from above.

You freeze, countless memes and edits flooding into your head as soon as the words leave his mouth. 

“Oh, my God.” Your eyes widen, knowing immediately what you were about to listen to. 

“I’m weird. I’m a weirdo-” he says, completely seriously, a little faster than how he usually talked. 

“No. Nope. Nuh uh.” You scramble for the remote, find it a few feet away from you under a recliner. 

“I don’t fit in. And I don’t want to fit in-” He lifts his hands to his mouth, thinking about what he wanted to say.

“This is literally the worst case scenario, fuck.” You hold your finger up to him. “Bucky, shut up or you’re gonna have trauma for the rest of your life.”

“Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on?” People actually got paid to write this shit. 

“And he said it,” you mumble, pressing any fucking button that would take you away from Riverdale and hopefully give you time to figure out what was going on. 

“That’s weird-” this overgrown variant of Jughead continued, much to your despair.

“Shut up.” You click the button to jump to the next channel, sighing in relief when the static noise drowns out the last part of his monologue.

The void is welcoming this time.

**

This world is very distinctly different, a huge contrast from the earlier alternatives. 

“You have got to be shitting me.” Your jaw drops. “A fuckin’ cartoon?”

Wherever you were, it shared too many similar elements with your lab to not be someone’s evil headquarters. And it was all animated, things that you weren’t going to use that episode duller and blended into the background. 

At least the ventilation was good. It was an open balcony building, possibly on the highest floor, broad daylight. 

You flip your hand over and over again, the 2D rendering not giving you anything other than two sides. At least it confirmed that you weren’t just seeing things. 

You look down at yourself. There was a lab coat over your black turtleneck and green pants fitted on your waist. Where had you seen this outfit before?

Someone crashes through a window that logically shouldn’t have even been there, doing a tuck and roll before sticking their superhero landing.

“Who the fuck-” 

Even he was in 2D. His face was covered by the shadow of his fedora, giving you no way of looking at his expression.

“A secret agent?” you ask in confusion, words spilling out of your mouth against your will.

Shit, were you losing control too?

He rolls his eyes before ripping off the left sleeve of his shirt, his metal arm on full display. 

“Bucky Barnes the secret agent?!” Your mouth moves on instinct before you slap a hand over it. Of course it was Bucky, who else would it fucking be?

You halt for a second.

Okay, why did he look hot as a cartoon character?

His black camo pants and full sleeve t-shirt hugged him nicely, exaggerated dimensions of his body showcased under the cloth. Generally, everything about him was the same as usual except the brown fedora perched on his head.

“Fuck no, are we supposed to be in Phineas and Ferb?”

He stares at you silently, analysing your body language in anticipation of your next move.

“Are you the fucking platypus?” Your jaw drops open in disbelief. “You’re, like, Agent B?”

He opens his mouth to say something but you hold up a finger. You’re not sure you could emotionally handle him chattering his teeth like the actual creature. 

“That makes me the German scientist guy.” You look around the lab that was decorated in shades of purple. “This relationship doesn’t even make sense. How are we related to this?”

You peer at him, only to find him unmoving. 

“Well, don’t just stand there.” You straighten your spine from the hunchback assigned to you. “Help me find the remote so we can go home.”

His brows were pulled into a scowl, body rigid.

“Wow, fine. I see why you got assigned him now,” you mumble, surveying the several countertops around you. “The resemblance is uncanny.”

It finally catches your eye, a couple of meters away, in brighter and sharper colours than anything else. You loved the cartoon world for this nifty little detail.

You stalk towards it, bending over to grab it off the floor.

Something harsh knocks it out of your grip. You look up to see Bucky right in front of you, hand blocking yours.

“Oh, this is ridiculous.” You roll your eyes. “So now the plot lets you fight me?”

He only lowers his head in challenge. 

“This is completely unnecessary.” You bend over to try again.

His forearm shoots out to block yours, your other hand grabbing onto his to pull it away from you. You could fight him, you had enough training to do so, but you had no idea how long this could go on for.

“You’re not going to let me win.” And there were thirty seconds to go. 

He shakes his head.

“And if I don’t, we’re both going to keep going at this forever,” you voice to yourself, thinking over all the options.

You look at him one more time in his little costume and stupid tiny hat before deciding. 

You do a sweep with your leg, kicking the remote towards him.

“Fine. Pick it up.” You gesture. 

Bucky doesn’t move, suspicion turning his eyes to slits.

“I’m not kidding, pick it up. I’m not gonna fight you,” you insist. “I promise.”

That seems to be enough for him, even in this world, as he crouches down slowly to pick it up, never once breaking eye contact with you. 

“Go back to your little agency and tell them you won.” You shoo him, German accent suddenly slipping into your sentence. “Go on then.”

He takes a single step back to judge your reaction. When you don’t make a move to stop him he turns around to leave, only occasionally glancing at you over his shoulder. 

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

“Zero,” you whisper as soon as the static returns, the loud white noise immediately accompanying it. 

He looks up in bewilderment and you take advantage of his momentary confusion, launching yourself onto his back, leaving him staggering. 

“Hello.” You whisper into his ear, leaving him no time to whip around and look at you. 

His hands automatically move to pull you off him but you slam the off switch on the remote still in his grip. You jump off his back, not before pulling the gadget out of his hand. 

The world swirls and twists like a damn washing machine, forcefully throwing you in and out of new characters and scenes rapidly.

“Identity theft is not a joke!” You watch from the reception.

The both of you are on an orange couch in a coffee shop, a plate of food on his lap.

“I am the devil!” you yell at Bucky who shakes his head, scoffing in disbelief. 

You’re staring at a series of alphabets on the wall painted rustically in black, Christmas lights strung across them. 

“I can bring you in warm, or I can bring you in cold.” What was with the knight’s helmet on his head?

A diner table with him serving you coffee, hair tucked away in a backwards baseball cap.

“Fine, make me your villain,” he leans back, eyes dark.

You’re in a high tech control room with orange accents, staring at several screens.

“Cool, cool, cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.”

Hundreds of outfits and dialogues from shows whiz past you within a second until you’re suddenly sucked out of the TV set and into the real world.

You blink swiftly to get rid of the stupid dots floating around your eyes but act in a hurry, throwing the remote on the ground and crushing it under your foot.

“Y/N?” 

“Hey, sarge.” You take a few steps back, breathing heavily. 

“What just happened?” Bucky squints at you.

“Well-” You’re just glad he’s back to himself. ”-I think you kicked my ass.”

“I destroyed the remote.” He rubs at his eyes, gaze flitting down to where the pieces lay on the ground in front of him. “I don’t remember doing that.”

“Good, it’ll save me the embarrassment,” you cover up, straightening out the clothes you were wearing from that morning. “If it helps, you looked damn good while doing it.”

He only hums and you finally feel yourself calm down. “We done for the day?”

“Think so.” You needed a drink. Or maybe a teen magazine quiz to determine whether you only found Bucky hot or you found Bucky hot. 

“See you next week then.”

“Unless you wanna stay here and play spin the bottle,” you propose casually, shoving the TV off the table to the ground. Never again.

Bucky snorts before turning on his heel to leave. You exhale slightly. 

“We’re not at that episode,” he calls out without turning around, “yet.” 

Your jaw drops. “Are you flirting with me?”

He only shuts the door behind him as he walks out. 

here’s a list of shows referenced!

all proceeds from my ko-fi go towards fuel for this crackhead fic so if you’d like to support my writing <333

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[rest-in-bees]

do you have a live action bl series with a serious plot you would recommend? i like the stuff you’ve been reblogging but i can’t choose which to start with

hi anon! i wasn't quite sure what you meant by serious (like focused more on the plot than the romance or like more serious tonally) so i went with a mix of the two with the help of the group chat! for the record everything in this list has a happyish ending except for one

a lot of the stuff I've been reblogging lately is from Kinnporsche, which is a thai mafia bl with romcom vibes but it's also v dark. and honestly i don't even know how to explain it? but i want to steal the genders of most of the cast and wear them like little hats (esp this one guy named vegas who i also want to put in a washing machine set to maximum spin) anygay there's three couples and they're all living in different genres, and there's def a reason everyone i know calls it a revolutionary bl. it can be found on dramacool, tws for sexual assault tho and there's also sex on screen if that's a squick of yours

another good one (still airing tho) is The Eclipse, which is thai and airing on youtube every friday. it's inspired by some real life events where the first openly transgender member of thailand's parliament was removed from office due to authoritarian measures (pls do not ask me what they are im too tired to google it) and so they decided to make a bl about an all boys high school fighting against an authoritarian school board! i really like the main couple and the side couple both, it's telling four different queer journeys and i love how all of them are portrayed

there's also Not Me which is thai and on youtube as well, and it follows a dude going undercover in a biker gang to figure out who put his twin brother in a coma. fair warning it's a little over the top at times (white is kind of an idiot but he's sean's idiot) but the pride rally episode makes it worth it imo

next up is Manner of Death, which is a thai crime drama on dramacool and was so cool to watch, bc it was the first bl I'd ever seen in which they could've been a straight couple and v little would change. they're adults and they have really good chemistry even if i think sometimes the characters engaged in some Poor Decision Making™️

and ofc i have to mention Cherry Magic! it's a japanese office drama on dramacool which covers a lot of serious topics and has a great ace character so i think it deserves to be an honorable mention. shoutout to the side couple for being hilariously cringe

next off is 180 Degrees of Longitude Passes Through Us, which i would like to say up front i have not seen! but it does come highly recommended to me and has a serious plot so i wanted to mention it. tws for kind of a big age gap and a sad ending. it's thai and can be found on dramacool

another one i haven't seen yet is Young Royals which is a swedish bl on netflix and looks like it's only angst so I'm ignoring it as that's not my thing but it might be yours! it's a prince and a commoner story set in a high school and my friend said i should suggest it to you since it's serious, season two is about to air!

is Bad Buddy serious? sort of so I'm adding it to the list bc it was so so so good. it's a childhood friends to rivals to lovers romcom and it does cover serious topics and i really like it so i highly recommend it. it's a thai bl on youtube

and ofc i have to mention The Untamed, which is a chinese bl (and as such is censored) and can be found on netflix, but it's based on novel called The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation by MXTX and just so you understand the vibes: the first line is "Good news! Wei Wuxian is dead!" and uh. wei wuxian is the mchecking main character. but the plot follows a lot of conspiracy and murder and a lot of the characters are heartbreaking but i swear it does end in marriage

NOW. there are two dramas that are not strictly bls but are both v homoerotic and so i really wanted to mention them anyway bc they are v serious and i liked them a lot

first off: The Devil Judge. the man himself becomes the head judge in a televised courtroom in a post pandemic south korea in an attempt to remove courtroom corruption and foul play from high priority trials. along the way he engages becomes the beast to a fellow judge's beauty (not a joke they literally said it was based on beauty and the beast and it's kinda obvious) and it has a bittersweet ending, can be found on dramacool

and last but certainly not least is Beyond Evil which is a kdrama on netflix and is this one guy trying to catch a serial killer, but the other one thinks he's suspicious and ofc insanity ensues but in a v dark and murdery way. bittersweet ending again and there is an age gap but it's not technically a bl even tho there's a lot of hinting imo

and ofc look out for Big Dragon when it starts airing on oct 8, it's one I'm really looking forward to (another thai mafia bl ofc)

and that's all I've got right now! anyone else pls feel free to add on to this list and anon def feel free to reach out with any questions! I'd love to know which, if any, you end up watching and your thoughts on it!

[scoobydoominuscoobydoo]

Oh my gosh-I thought you were dead! Shoutout to whoever that sent you that question as a thank you for letting me know :D

Alright, back to the question! How do you think Freddie and Velma's process of realizing their feelings for each other (in my opinion they'd deny it themselves for a while) would be like? And how would they (finally) confess? Do you think they will need a bit of encouragement from the rest of the gang?

Feel free to write as much as you'll need, I won't mind it! ♥️

Yeah we're still alive and I definitely wish I could be more active but creating content is super time consuming and honestly if I'm in the mood the watch Scooby then I'll watch one of the movies while doing my homework or something. But I am still totally passionate about Shaphne and Frelma and I'm super glad that other people are as well! It may take me forever to write fics but I am always eager to provide in other ways.

As for the actual question...

Freddie and Velma are definitely a slow burn with a capital SB and I will argue this to the end of my days. I know that I typically portray Shag and Daph as a sort of stretched out pining because of the fact that they are two totally different people. Because of that both of them have doubts regarding whether the other is even a little into them (spoiler alert: they are). It's the classic, "Why would she like me when she could literally have anyone she wants?" And vice versa. But that's more for a pinch of drama and it always works out right at the end.

But Fred and Velma might as well be stretched out twice as long because they are both IDIOTS. Especially Velma who definitely knows damn well what's going but chooses to ignore it. In most of my writing I have it so that Velma is aware of her feelings but - like anon said - she denies them vehemently. I can imagine her figuring out is a slow process too, I mean they've all known each other since they were kids. No matter which iteration of the show you watch, Fred and Velma are typically the defacto detective duo. They're the ones that have an active interest in mystery solving while Shag and Daph are kinda just along for the ride. I'm sure that because of them acting as partners, they have a deeper understanding of each other. Like Velma knows how Fred thinks and he knows how she thinks and that all comes from the fact that they work together a lot. So even though it's easy to label Fred as the basic white boy that leads the charge, Velma has seen where his passions lie and gets how his brain works. And I'm sure that all it would take is her staring at him just a little too long for something to click in her head. She watches him try and sing along to the radio while driving them no doubt towards their next crazy adventure and she realizes she likes this. Sitting in the front seat with him.

And this is just a total no bueno for Velma because falling in love with big blonde jocks isn't her thing. She started high school early and needed to claw her way through the status quo and all of the silly high school conventions to gain respect. Velma Dinkley doesn't care about what everyone else is doing and walks to the beat of her own drum. To start trying to pursue a relationship with Mr. Popular would immediately render her a hypocrite and that's something she can't stand. So - like a moron - she ignores her feelings and expects them to go away. All the while growing closer to him.

Freddie on the other hand is an odd hat. He's like the trifecta of oblivious, has tunnel-vision, and sucks at spelling out what he wants. Which is just a nightmare when you're the lead in your own romance. It's not even like denial that we're dealing with here it's the Jones boy having trouble interpreting his own feelings. I like to think it's almost like an Ouran High School Host Club situation where he's Tamaki and Velma is his Haruhi. The gang are his best friends and they're all like a surrogate family for one another and Fred feels responsible for keeping everyone together. Velma is one of his best friends and if that were to change the the dynamic of their family would be all messed up. And it's not like she's given any sort of sign that she's into him anyway so it all works out fine! Velma is his short, snarky best friend who likes to solve mysteries with him. And make him laugh. And be honest with him when nobody else will. And is somehow patient enough to teach him to play chess. There comes a point where all of his feelings for her are so close to being discovered, but they're trapped behind a wall labeled, "Family."

The two of them seem to be at a permanent stalemate.

And then Shag and Daph start going out. Both parties are instantly effected. Freddie because the family dynamic he's been clinging to has just completely shifted and it's totally out of his control. Velma because she sees how Ms. Follow Every Societal Convention has started locking lips with Mr. Screw Society I Am Who I Am. And neither of them really sacrifice their beliefs in the process of falling in love with each other. The main thing they get from it is they're more understanding of the other's position. Velma realizes that her being in love with Fred doesn't automatically mean she needs to become more like Daphne in order to suit the world he lives in. Fred realizes he can be with her without the entire Mystery Inc. gang caving in on itself. But now they still have one major hurdle to jump over.

They still think they're both trapped in the friend zone. And neither of them are willing to risk the partnership they've cultivated through several years of friendship.

And that's where Daphne comes in. She's the kind of girl that likes to make everyone's business her business and sees no harm in playing a little Cupid. Shaggy has absolutely zero interest getting involved in his friends' love lives so he opts to play the innocent bystander. I think after some prodding on both sides (over the course of maybe a year or two) the detective duo finally decide to give romance a shot.

Of course it's nothing like Shag and Daph who dive in head first and almost start building their life together immediately. They take it slow and steady, figuring it out one small step at a time. And that works just fine for both of them.

[aba-ridemerenji]

Okay.... So I love Kisuke and Shunsui. 😍😍 How about some NSFW for them and the reader? Separate if possible. Please and thank you! PS: You are awesome!

AYYYYYYY thanks anon! I love me some pervy bros, and no matter how objectively sexy these two are, you can’t deny they’re definitely HUGE, leery ass perverts – with no shame and/or qualms about it! Of course, it helps that they’re gorgeous as hell. LET THERE BE SMUT!

(this gif is absolute sin, btw)

KisukeSo many toys, so much time

The man is an inventor so pls prepare yourself for some very special inventions that Kisuke will somehow manage to beta test on you, whether you like it or not

He’ll start with improving the toys you own #ActsOfService

One week your go-to vibrator suddenly has 5 more intensity settings?

The next all the shitty jelly toys in your nightstand have been replaced with quality silicone ones in the same shape and size??

And now the ears on your jackrabbit can mOvE???

Discovering this one was kinda funny because you were nice and settled in Kisuke’s bedroom, waiting for him to finish up some work in the next room

So you’re going to town with your toy, ah, warming up for the events to follow, when you feel movement on your clit

Kisuke can barely contain his snorts of laughter when he hears the crescendo of realisation in your very unladylike ‘…whattHEFUCK?!?!’ through the thin paper of the shoji doors

Did I say it was funny? I meant funny for him, less so for you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Soon he’s inventing brand new toys for his amusement

For the most part you’re down for them but he’ll find some way to trick/convince/seduce you into trying out even the more dubious ones

One of the most ambitious things he ever did was - you guessed it - putting a gigai of himself to work (come on. ‘Inflatable gigai’ PLSSSSS KUBO U DIDNT EVEN TRY WITH THAT ONE)

He texts you as you finish work - [Hurry home, birthday girl.] A lewd picture. His kosode thrown open, right hand vanishing under his pants, gripping himself. And worst (best?) of all, the tip of his flushed, pink head peeking oh so slightly above the hem of his pants.

Why did you have to open that text on the train?

Your embarrassment from the train has turned to irritation by the time you step into the living room, and Kisuke’s stupid grin isn’t helping. Neither is the fact that he’s now fully clothed again.

He tries to placate you with wandering hands and soft kisses on your neck.

“Maybe next time, try and warn me so I don’t traumatise innocent people on the train with a half-naked picture of my boyfriend?”

His laugh is muffled into your collarbone but it vibrates through your entire body

It’s getting harder to stay angry, especially when his leg is pushing between yours, hands pushing your top off your shoulders.

Kisuke kisses down the centre of your chest and you grab his hat, tossing it across the room without looking

“Hey, that’s my favourite hat.” The voice came from right behind your ear.

Instinctively, you wriggle in panic, hands reaching for Kisuke at the intrusion.

But after a split second it registers – that was Kisuke’s voice. And Kisuke’s body, pressed against your back. While Kisuke was also still pressed against your front?

Kisuke #2 snakes a hand around, under your skirt, under your underwear, dipping into your folds.

Somehow, you manage to get a snippy remark in even as Kisuke #1 works your breasts and Kisuke #2 works your sopping pussy

You lean your head backwards on his chest and look up at him, giving the best shit-eating grin you can manage. “A fucking- ah! Blow up- doll- ahh- that’s my- my- birthday present?”

The look of surprise on the real Kisuke’s face is priceless. Your grin widens, even as you let out breathy little exhales. Yup. Still got it.

Kisuke #1 releases a nipple from his mouth. “I resent that,” he whines with a pout.

“Get back to work, Kisuke 1.” You order the gigai, pushing his head back down to your chest.

Kisuke chuckles into your ear. “So mean, princess. Maa, it is your birthday, after all.”

“Damn right, Kisuke 2.”

ShunsuiNaptime or faptime? The struggle is real.

Ok so Shunsui is lazy as fuck right? So I HC that regular naps are an integral part of the Kyoraku Shunsui 10-step program

But naps are just step 2

Step 1, the most important step, is regular copulation

“It’s an excellent stress reliever, petal.” w o w  breaking news Shunsui experiences stress???? Someone call Nanao

So if you have any sort of sex dream, Shunsui wants to be the first to know

He will subscribe to that podcast no problem

Notifications on, RSS feed, whatever - you can’t combine two of his favourite things (sleep and you) and not give him a taste

If he’s around when you have the sex dream, even better

If you talk/move in your sleep AND are having a sex dream AND he’s around?

Girl

You best prepare yourself and your pussy cos like

You will suddenly understand that lazy does not = lethargic

So if you have this winning combination, Shunsui will want to rail you right then and there, but if you don’t wake up after his teasing touches, he’ll settle for telling you allll about it the following morning

He’ll find it super cute if you blush

But if you want to make him blush, just ask him to follow through next time.

He’ll waffle about a bit Are you sure Petal, Maa I couldn’t, But I want you to enjoy yourself too Flower, blah blah blah

Be firm. If you have to, say “Shunsui, I would like you to please fuck me the next time that I have a sex dream while in bed with you, thank you, kind regards, your s/o” 

The next night, there are the telltale signs of you wrapping yourself around him, rubbing against him, mewling incoherently and talking in your sleep.

Shunsui gets to work. He’ll be surprised by how into it he is, and as a result isn’t as stealthy as he’d like to be, so maybe his attentions wake you up.

Nbd, just go with it and enjoy the orgasms (yes, it may be the middle of the night, but there will be multiple ones. My mans Shunsui is just that good ;D)

Be naughty and make a special request once he’s wrung the last orgasm from you, a request that will make it hard for him to get back to sleep.

What request you ask?

Well, after making said request you’ll fall back asleep and back into your sex dream (lucky girl). Maybe it gets a little intense. A little more…vivid than usual. As your dream romp gets more strenuous, your body being repeatedly bounced up towards the headboard, and down again, you’ll slowly blink into wakefulness

And what’s the first thing you see? Shunsui sliding in and out of you smoothly, peppering your face with light kisses as your begin to stir. What a way to start the day…

“Good morning, beautiful.” His heavy lidded eyes never looked more appropriate for the situation.

Basically: ask him to wake you up with sex, thanks for coming (heh) to my ted talk

Shoutout to @buriedinbleach for the Petal nickname, I’m pretty sure you came up with this, and now i can’t think of Shunsui giving reader-chan any other nickname than that, except for Flower???

[lizziebennet]

Best asks you've ever got?

i love love love when people ask me ab historical fashion like this one and this one 

this ask ab sorting p&p characters in to hogwarts houses was so fun tbh

oh mg g foododd when a snape fan came after me in the most HILARIOUS way 

when that anon called rochester jane’s blind sugar daddy and Nothing Was The Same

SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO ALL MY HENRY CAVILL THIRST/HATE ANONS who send me things like this gem

this ask ab movie scenes that make me cry was legit such a joy to answer

this ask ab my fave topics of conversation after i mentioned it in a post was so nice i love talking ab things i love and i love that yall care to hear ab them !!

i dont have a link for this but the 1 year period after i made that post about the harry she died for years ago meme where i would get questions about it all the time #iconic

also going rly far back now in my 1d days that anon randomly started sending me smut and it was rly hilarious

THIS ASK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this isnt an ask but its something that i think needs to be remembered (this is still getting reblogs btw)

also i couldnt find it bc this was like from 2013 but i remember someone sent me hate bc i said that liam from 1d didnt have a 10 inch dick #neverforget

i love all my asks and anons and all my followers so much thanks for talking to me u guys u da best i always love hearing ab ur day and am so flattered when u want to hear my thoughts on something <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3