#sigh i miss day6

[theday]

sometimes u do have to mourn for what used to be

[etherealyoungk]

I don’t listen to day6 regularly but I remember adoring ‘when you love someone’ when it initially released 🥺💘 still adore it ofc hehe

ahh that's one of my fav songs by them! i love listening to that song on rainy days!

[shuahoonie]

when you love someone | choi seungcheol

pairing: non-idol!seungcheol (svt) x female!reader

notes: angst, eventual fluff— maybe, exes to friends to lovers (?), slow burn, meddling friends, swearing, alcohol consumption. loosely based on the song 그렇더라고요 (when you love someone) by DAY6

word count: 4.3k

summary: some seek love and have the pleasure of keeping it, some never find it, and some aren't meant to find it. you and cheol are determined to discover whether love still exists beyond your old love letters.

part of the to x, with love mini series

shuahoonie's masterlist | to x, with love masterlist

jun was always curious as to how you've managed to just sit there and laugh at chan’s comment when you're in the same room as seungcheol, let alone show up at seungcheol and jeonghan’s quaint cafe.

he knew better than to pry you for questions, of course, but knowing how deep your relationship ran with cheol, it was astounding to see you light on your feet.

“junnie,” you nudged jun who was sitting right next to you, evidently staring at you. “is there something wrong?” you asked quietly, careful not to attract any attention. most of the attention were on seungkwan and chan anyway as they were busy bantering about a prolonged birthday gift.

jun snapped out of his thoughts and shook his head no, a sheepish smile forming in face. “sorry, i didn’t mean to stare.” he apologized, scratching the back of his head.

“it’s all good,” you laughed softly. “sorry, i must’ve been talking a lot, huh? it’s just—” you sighed “it’s been a while since i saw you guys.”

“no, no,” jun was quick to dispute whatever it is that you were thinking. “it’s nothing, ynnie. don’t worry about it.” he smiled. “it’s just nice having you here.”

“it’s nice being here too,” you said half-heartedly, while stealing a quick glance at cheol, who was already looking at you from across the room.

a couple of days before you showed up at the café, you received a text from soonyoung, asking forcing you to attend this exclusive get-together.

the heads up was nice and it was sweet that they miss you because you miss them too— you were all friends first, of course.

“haohao,” you called your friend who was busy cooking in your kitchen. minghao was the only friend from the group who still hung out with you regularly— mainly because you two don’t live that far from each other.

“yeah?” he called back.

you walked towards the kitchen, leaning against the pillar. “were you ever going to tell me about it?” you pointed out, still looking at the message in your screen.

“tell you what?” hao asked, confused.

“the hang out.”

“what hang out?” hao knew exactly what you were talking about though. he was just trying to be… careful. right, careful.

“c’mon, hao,” you crossed your arms. you weren’t mad though, you knew exactly why they were doing this— why they’re trying so hard. it’s hard enough to get everyone gather at the same day, however, it’s even harder to have your friends— two of which used to date— to be at the same place. “it’s fine, you know.”

“well,” hao turned off the stove, carefully plating your food. “do you wanna go?”

“i mean, it’s been a while since i saw the boys together,” you mumbled, playing with your nails. “and besides, i miss them.”

“them?” hao smirked, as if he knew damn well that you were pertaining to someone else.

“shut up, minghao.” you grumbled, taking a seat at the table, the smell of hao’s delicious masterpiece filling up your nostrils. “thank you for the food.”

hao hummed in response, watching you as you eat your food with a pout, making him smile.

silence enveloped the rest of the meal. it wasn’t until you were washing the dishes when hao suddenly asked “you know, no one really figured out why you two broke up.” you almost dropped the plate you were holding upon hearing the question. “all i remember was cheol wanted to drink to death one day. if it wasn’t for shua and jeonghan that made him pull from his senses, i honestly don’t know what would’ve happened.”

“we were too young. too passionate, too—” you answered, trying to think of an answer that made sense because frankly, you didn’t know why either. “hao, we were each other’s world.” your voice drifts off.

minghao just listened intently to you. he could never really relate to what was said, because what you and cheol had was something different. it was never just young love, it was something more.

“cheollie, what if—” you groaned “what if i just drop out.” you said, closing your laptop in frustration. seungcheol laughed, making you glare at him. “you dare laugh? at my frustration?”

“i’m sorry, babe, but you’re just too cute.” he smiles, pinching your cheeks. “i’m also sorry because you can’t drop out.”

“and why not?” you quirked a brow at him.

“because your dad will have me delivered on a silver platter if he finds out i encouraged his daughter to drop out,” cheol replied making you laugh “and besides, dating a well-known curator is on the list of my life-long dreams.”

you rolled your eyes at the cheesy comment, fighting off a smile. “a list?” you asked, to which cheol nodded. “what else is on that list?”

cheol bit the insides of his cheeks, suddenly feeling flustered.

“wow,” you laughed “choi seungcheol, are you embarrassed?”

“yah! i told you i hate it when you call me that,” seungcheol pouts, crossing his arms.

“you’re being a baby.”

“that’s fine because i am your baby,” he grins, making you snort laughing. one of seungcheol’s dreams was to make you laugh till the rest of your lives. that was enough for cheol.

“ynnie,” chan hands you the third round of shots. “i heard you’re holding another— uh…” chan looked around, trying to remember the word.

“exhibition, chan.” jeonghan finished with a laugh. “you need to slow down, we’re only three rounds in.”

“hehe,” chan giggles “sorry.”

“it’s okay, chan,” you laughed before taking the shot. “but yeah, it’s going to be my first time exhibiting my own work.”

“that’s so cool, ynnie,” seokmin smiles adoringly at you. “we’re so proud of you.”

“thanks, you guys,” you replied shyly. “i— uh, it really means a lot.”

“of course,” jun nudged you playfully “we’re always here to cheer you on, you know.”

a collective mutter of agreements filled the coffee shop during its after-hours— a long string of support followed one after the other. from the group of muttered agreements, one voice seemed to stand out from others. one voice that meant so much to you. one that you longed to hear for so long.

seungcheol. he was looking at you with those adoring eyes, the ones that filled you so much comfort whenever you looked at them. there was a small smile forming in his lips— god, those lips. words cannot describe how much you miss those lips. it hurt that even after 3 years of your break up, you still long for him. but at least he was happy, right?

a couple of days before the planned hangout, the boys were gathered at heaven’s cloud coffee roasters— the coffee shop that seungcheol and jeonghan proudly own.

“so are we all meeting here then?” joshua asked, taking a sip of his iced americano.

“fine by me,” jeonghan shrugged “i just need to put a notice that we’re closing early that day.”

seungcheol hummed in agreement, the voices slowly drowning out. he was busy looking at your instagram art page. again.

whenever there was a fighting itch that he missed you, he would find his way to your instagram account. you still followed each other on your personal accounts, but you weren’t really active there. you had an art account where you post nearly every day. it wasn’t just drawings and paintings that were on that account, you also posted your letters there too. for seungcheol, that account was more personal as it encapsulated everything that was needed to know about you.

upon quietly scrolling through your account, he found a letter that you posted a couple of days ago, one that hit close to home.

“the last time i fell in love— i was twenty. i was probably too young to be thinking about love, but still, it was a force that shaped my entire perception of love.

at twenty-seven, i still have yet to feel it again. and if the multiverse is real, i hope a version of me finds someone who would still move mountains for her— to be loved as much as she loves.

because i learned the hard way that some people are meant to find love, yet they aren’t meant to keep it.”

joshua caught a glimpse of what seungcheol was looking at when he sat next to him. he was one of the few people who knew where cheol’s feelings lied with you. joshua’s one of the few people who also knew about your feelings with cheol, especially involving that art account that you practically dedicated to seungcheol.

joshua was not a betting person, but if he were, he knew that seungcheol had no idea that that art account of yours only existed because of seungcheol.

“are you looking at her account again?” joshua asked cheol quietly while the other guys were talking about what to eat and drink on the upcoming hangout.

“psh, what?” cheol instantly exited the page, putting a false face of appall “of course not.”

joshua rolled his eyes, knowing damn well that his friend was lying straight through his face. “whatever, cheol.”

knowing there’s no point in lying, especially towards joshua, seungcheol lets out a deep sigh. “i miss her, that’s all.”

joshua hummed, choosing to stay quiet. joshua knew about your true feelings for cheol when he, minghao, and seungkwan were in your apartment that one rainy night. you had invited them for dinner and to catch up because you haven’t talked in so long. drinks were involved so one thing led to the other, next thing joshua knew, you were still moping about your break-up with cheol.

“god, i miss yn,” soonyoung groaned out of the blue. soonie’s comment was enough attention for the boys to look at him, some of them with widened eyes.

“what?” soonie asks, almost innocently. “it’s been awhile since we were all hanging out together, i’ve always loved having her around.”

“soonyoung,” jeonghan warns him quietly, practically holding himself back from gesturing to seungcheol.

“cheol, hyung, you’ve moved on right?” soonyoung asks carelessly, making vernon— who was sitting quietly in the corner— practically choke on his drink. “you wouldn’t mind if invite ynnie right?”

jeonghan and joshua both looked at seungcheol the same time, with pairs of eyes full of curiosity, watching what cheol’s about to say.

cheol cleared his throat, “yeah, it’s fine,”

soonyoung grins— a little too mischievous as seungkwan would note. “perfect, i’ll text her now,” soonie says as he tapped furiously on his phone.

it’s not like you and seungcheol have been avoiding each other, that’s not it at all! you two would always see each other at a friend’s birthday or an event where you two have common circles— you two would always smile at each other, say a quick hi, but that’s the extent of it. and even then, you two were always surrounded by other people too.

“yn,” seungcheol practically seethes your name. “look at me.”

you hate it when you two fight, it only morphs you two into monsters.

“seungcheol,” you had to take a deep sigh before saying anything further as you’re trying to calm yourself down. “i’m tired. can we not do this right now?”

“no, yn, because you always do this.” seungcheol was getting frustrated too. he was always patient around you, but he is human after all. life is sometimes, though often, frustrating. “you always avoid the problem, even if it begs to be confronted.”

this got you heated because seungcheol was right, and it annoyed you that he was right. you don’t like confrontations. in fact, you hated them. for the entirety of your relationship, you could only count the number of times you initiated the apology.

“then what do you want me to do, cheol?” you asked, almost in a whisper. you closed your laptop, knowing well enough that you weren’t going to finish the report you needed for your internship.

“talk to me, yn.” cheol practically begged. “what’s going on?”

“i— i’m tired, cheol.” tears formed on the brims of your eyes.

“okay, we can take a break from studying,” cheol nodded, closing his laptop as well. you two had been practically living in the library for the past couple of weeks, trying to finish the your last semester head-strong.

“no, cheol, i meant—“ you couldn’t even bear to finish the sentence and even then, cheol knew what you were trying to say. “there’s never a day that we don’t fight and it’s—“

“frustrating?” seungcheol finishes for you, a small disbelief present in his tone.

“yeah,” you answered throwing your head back, trying not to cry but it doesn’t work. your tears kept betraying you.

he wanted to be mad because how on earth are you able to just throw a 4 year-long relationship with ease? but seungcheol cannot be mad— not at your frustration, not at you. because for this relationship to work, you two need to be invested in it.

it has been suffocating for you, it has been frustrating for cheol.

“okay,” cheol clears his throat, wiping his tears furiously. “let’s take a break then.”

“okay.” you whispered.

you two stayed in the library for another hour, bid each other a quiet goodbye and left on your separate ways— never to speak to each other again.

as the night gets longer, more drinks have been consumed. it was starting to get rowdy too— soonyoung and seokmin being the cause of it all. they kept squeezing out drinking games that was enough to keep everyone feeling buzzed.

you, on the other hand, started to feel like the room was getting stuffy. so you excused yourself for a minute and sat at one of the patio chairs, nursing the alcoholic drink that you were given earlier.

you could hear the laughter emitting inside the café and you couldn’t help but at smile at how some things never really change.

you heard a faint sound of bells from the door, signalling that someone was coming.

“oh, i’m sorry, i didn’t—“ you whipped your head around and saw that cheol was standing there, a drink in his hand too. “i was just hoping to get some fresh air and—“

“cheol, it’s fine,” you reassured him, adding a small smile. “i know how drinking throughout that can be too much for you.” you nodded at your friends inside.

cheol lets out a small laugh, “yeah.” he leaned against the wall, enough to give you two some space from each other. a tiny part of cheol couldn’t help but feel happy that you still know that tidbit about him.

there was a blanket of silence that enveloped the two of you. it wasn’t awkward per se— but this was the first time you two were left alone in a while.

“so how are yo—“ “are you doing ok—“ you both said at the same time, making you laugh.

a soft smile appears on cheol’s face. it’s been a while since cheol saw you laugh— well anything that involved him, really.

“heaven’s cloud, huh?” you started off, admiring the exteriors of the café. “i’m glad you’ve finally reached your dreams, cheol.”

“i did promise you that i’ll run a coffee shop one day,” cheol said with a proud look on his face. heaven’s cloud is seungcheol’s pride and joy. all throughout his university years, he would find himself cooped inside the cafés near the university. it never occurred to him that taking care of people, by providing a warm cup of coffee and a place of comfort, was something he’d be doing.

cheol likes to think that it was you that led him here. he would always accompany you at coffee shops to study, would always buy you coffee and sweets. he did it so much that he would start doing the same thing to the guys. he would often buy them coffee unprompted, would feed them sweets.

they found it odd at first, because seungcheol was not the type to do all of that unless he was asked, but they’ve quickly learned to accept it because they saw how much it meant to cheol.

you were joking when you suggested that cheol should open up a café when he brought at least a dozen iced americanos to you and the rest of the guys one day. cheol remembered how he smirked at you and said, “wanna bet?”

so really, you led cheol here. cheol knew that you would never believe him if he said that, but it’s true. you hold so much influence in his life that it kills him that you’re not actively in his life anymore.

“i’m proud of you, cheol.” you said softly, tucking a stray hair behind your ear— suddenly not knowing what to do. “i hope you never forget that.”

"i know," cheol replied in a whisper. "i'm proud of you too, you know. always.”

"thanks, cheol."

“why do i have to give it to her?” cheol grumbled while he was fixing his hair, checking for any hair that’s out of place.

“you say that and yet you’re acting like this is the first time yn is going to see you,” jeonghan teased with a smirk as he watched seungcheol check his hair every 5 seconds at the reflection of his car window.

joshua and seungkwan laughed quietly at jeonghan’s comment, causing seungcheol to glare at them— which only makes them laugh even more.

seungcheol chose to ignore jeonghan’s sly comment. “where are they anyway?” he asked, checking his phone for the time. 10:07 am. The exhibition has started, cheol thought.

kwannie, cheol, shua, and hannie were waiting outside the gallery for the rest of the guys to arrive. hao was already inside helping you with your exhibit— as cheol assumed— along with vernon, who was kind enough to offer his help.

“jun texted that they had to pick up the cake and that they’ll just meet us inside,” seungkwan said out loud. “apparently, mingyu overslept.”

“that sounds about right,” jihoon commented as he, wonwoo, and soonyoung walked towards where cheol and the rest of the guys were waiting.

“here,” soonyoung handed cheol the bouquet of pink carnations that cheol specifically asked. “since you were so adamant about the kind of flowers and the colour.”

“oh, we’ve already decided that cheol’s going to hand yn the flowers.” shua smirked.

“i’m surprised you actually went,” wonu pointed out, knowing there is still some odd tension between you and cheol.

“uh yeah, she texted me about it.” cheol cleared his throat “she actually invited me here.”

the way cheol said it so casually, the way the words just escaped his mouth like silk— it was enough for the guys to stop in their tracks and look at cheol like he grew two heads.

“no fucking way,” jihoon comments out of astonishment, breaking the ice.

“oh my god, you guys actually came?” you were greeted with a bunch of warm smiles from the boys, each of them giving you a hug. “i thought you guys were busy?”

“are you kidding? we would never miss this for the world,” seungkwan commented as he gave you a tight hug. “besides, that was just soonie hyung’s elaborate plan of surprise.”

“well, consider me surprised.” you laughed as soonie gave you a tight squeeze. “feel free to roam around, there’s refreshments by the right corner.”

you have just hugged every one of them until you reached cheol— who was a sight for sore eyes. after being broken up for about 3 years now, it still baffles you that his presence alone makes your heart flutter.

you don’t even know why you invited him personally— you haven’t talked that much since the hangout at his café. actually, that’s a lie. you knew damn well why you invited him. a part of him lives within you— may it be in your artworks or your writing.

seungcheol was hesitant— he didn’t know whether he should hug you or not. he literally stopped in the middle of his tracks, his arms almost at mid-air. it was painstakingly obvious too— vernon, who was busy ushering people and caught wind of the situation, couldn’t hide his grimace.

you heard seungkwan’s panicked voice, forcing the others to go with him and leave you two alone. they were dying from curiosity, but even the strong-willed jeonghan could not stomach the awkwardness in the air.

as soon as the guys left, cheol had the courage to finally to say something. anything. “yn,” he cleared his throat “these are for you.” cheol said, handing you the bouquet of pink carnations shyly.

“oh, these are gorgeous,” you sighed happily “thank you, cheol.”

“of course, anything for you,” cheol said a little too eagerly. he cleared his throat, trying to mask his excitement. “it’s from all of us, really.”

“oh?” cheol raised his eyebrow at your confused tone. his eyes followed yours and saw that you were reading the card that came with the flowers— which flustered you immediately upon reading the note.

for the entire time that cheol was holding that bouquet of flowers, not once did he notice the card that was practically sticking out like a sore thumb.

“uh— can i read it?” cheol asked, immediately walking closer to you. you were about to pull the card so he can read it on his own but he was already mere inches away from you, peering over your shoulder.

this was the first time in 3 years that you two were this close to each other. his perfume immediately filling your nostrils, taking you back from how your relationship used to be. your heart was practically pounding. it also didn’t help the fact that he was still wearing the same perfume that you got him during your 2nd anniversary.

“yn,

life had so much colour when i looked into your eyes. it’s a strange thing, but that’s just how it is when you love someone.

yours forever, c.”

the typewritten note was staring back at cheol as if it crawled from the box of things he kept in his office and in to the bouquet. seungcheol wasn’t going to deny that he wrote that note to you— because he did. it’s just, the note wasn’t meant to be included in the bouquet.

he wrote that note a year ago— still in the process of trying to move on from your break up, even though it’s been two years. he was so close to mailing you that note along with a birthday gift last year. he only stopped himself because one, that would be weird and two, he would look desperate. cheol knows he is, but he wouldn’t admit that.

the guys like to believe that he never really got over you, which was obvious, because look at what happened. this also begs the question as to who saw the note in his office and who was the culprit to blame.

“cheol—“

“yn, i think we need to talk.”

you two started strolling around the gallery, not knowing where to go or how to start.

you stopped in the farthest corner of the gallery, near the fire exit. far from everyone, you both assumed. “cheol, the note—“

“i didn’t write it,” cheol immediately answers. his comment disappointed you as a part of you still longed for the idea that he still loved you.

cheol saw how your face faltered upon hearing his comment which panicked him. “i mean i did write it but not recently— i wrote it over a year ago. i was hung up on you, i still am i think, i just i don’t even know—“

“cheol, breathe,” you said grabbing his hands, rubbing small circles with your thumb. “it’s okay.”

you led him to one of the benches in the gallery, just so he can collect himself and so that you can calm yourself down as well.

a couple of minutes after cheol had eventually calmed down and has had a few minutes to take a breather, you asked “is everything okay? i’ve never seen you ramble like this.”

“yn,” cheol sighed, embarrassed at his erratic behaviour “i’m sorry.”

“for what?”

“well for rambling, first off,” cheol lets out an embarrassed laugh “but i’m sorry for everything.”

you were confused. “cheol, i don’t think you have anything to apologize for. you didn’t do anything.”

“exactly, i didn’t do anything,” cheol was frustrated. “i should’ve fought for you, for us. i should’ve done something, anything—“

“cheol, i’m so confused.” you were about to cry from frustration “what are you trying to say?”

“yn,” cheol takes a huge breath “why did you invite me here?”

“what do you mean?”

“here, in one of the most important days of your life, in your career.” cheol almost pleads for an answer “why am i here, ynnie?”

“because…”

“because?”

“because you’re important, cheol. you will always be a part of my life. a piece of you lives within my artwork, my writing.” tears were starting to fall from your eyes “you’re in everything that i do, cheol.” you let out a small laugh, slightly embarrassed. cheol started wiping the tears from your face. “you’re here because i want you to be here.”

“what ever happened to us, yn?” cheol asked, looking at you straight in the eyes.

“it wasn’t our time, cheol— i remember us fighting a lot.” you sighed “i loved you, i still do, but we were hurting each other a lot.”

cheol hummed, because he remembered the same thing. he wished it was different, but even he knew that you two would’ve ruined each other.

“do you think it’s our time now?” cheol asked, looking at the artworks on the wall.

“maybe,” you replied softly, a small smile playing on your lips.

BONUS: that's just how it is | seungcheol

for some reason ? it was really hard to write this ? that's why it took me a month to finish this ? i’m sooo sorry 😭

[hueningshaped]

★ someday | c.yj

▰ genre: angst (they don’t end together)

▰ word count: 2.1k

▰ synopsis: you and yeonjun have a conversation you didn’t think you’d ever have to make or you break up with yeonjun even though he’s doing so well in his career

warnings: break ups, not the healthiest relationship

a/n: randomly wrote this while i was sad and listening to day6. sorry 😢 ily and thank you for still being here.

“what are you doing here?” it’s a question that can’t be helped. the time is past the dead of the night, it’s frigid, but it’s raining lightly, meaning the roads are frozen. beyond all the reasons someone shouldn’t be out, you’re mainly surprised because—

“i’m here to change your mind. well, actually—“ yeonjun stops to chuckle wryly. “i’m here to ask you to reconsider your decision. i-i know i can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. i know that. i know and i respect your decisions. i just want you to decide again…”

yeonjun’s nose is red. his ears, too. his hands are by his side, curled into even redder fists that you’d usually bring into your own lips to blow at in attempts to warm up, but that’s not your place.

“how did you even get here?” you dare to ask another question, in disbelief over how he actually showed up to your door, that he was actually here, that he was really standing in front of you, but with intention to try and win you over—rather, win you back.

he sighs, puff of condensation steaming out, and he shuts his eyes painfully when he blinks, but it quickly goes away when he looks at you again.

“i just wanted to say i’m sorry. i’m really, really sorry, y/n. i really am, baby, i swear,” your heart quivers in your chest, but your face doesn’t give that part away. it stays still, save of the reality of how your heart really feels: mangled, broken, like a steel bar relying on the rust that connects it to its other half.

it’s easy to accept his apology, but it still feels like it falls short. it’s the same thing. your relationship with him has been some of the happiest years of your life, but it doesn’t mean they haven’t also been rocky and tiring. it’ll be another year of nonstop schedules for him, who already hardly has any time for himself and his family because he’s an idol.

it was today that you’d come to the decision, which had rested on a fence you’ve been on for a few months, that it was time to take a break and call it off.

the ringing of your phone seemed never ending, your heart in your throat, feet on edge, as you waited and waited and waited for him to pick up. two missed calls jumped to six, and six missed calls jumped to eight, and by then, you’d peeled too far in your cuticles, making yourself bleed.

so, you’d left a voicemail—shakily, quietly disclosing your true feelings.

yeonjun, if you receive this message… i wanted to let you know that i want to break up. this is my decision. my mind’s been made up. sorry, it had to be this way, but it’s just right. take care. goodbye, yeonjun. […] [sniffle] did it send? oh, shoo—

of course, bombarding his phone if he so chose to look at it or not ignore you wasn’t ideal, nor had it been your first plan. in fact, this was done out of a moment of desperation. paranoia and frustration had long been eating away at you. you were overwhelmed, tired of pacing, tired of rowing this boat and pretending, and well…

it was only a matter of time.

a smile squeezes at your lips, pursed with halfheartedness. you nod because—

“i know, yeonjun. i know you’re sorry. i know you don’t mean to do anything bad to me genuinely, i know that you feel terrible, maybe even worse, now that you’re aware of how i feel, but—“ you close your eyes, inhaling sharply, to hide the adrenaline of a cry building up in your chest. with every word you say, his eyebrows become more and more drawn in, dejection and fear becoming of his expression, face still the same beautiful. “all i’m asking is for some time apart. alone, completely. not the fake together that we’ve been and we’re officially going to be with all your…schedules. i know it’s not your fault you’re booked and busy, but ah! this is tiring for me. i’m tired. and i know more than anything that you are, too.”

his eyes glitter with tears. the water pools along his lash line. his bottom lip is curved inwards. yeonjun opens his mouth to let out an exhale wet with tears.

“you can say whatever you want, and i know this is the coldest anyone could be to you, but it has to be done. so, by all means, yeonjun, go ahead. say your part, i’ll listen.” you add again, crossing your arms more to bring yourself further warmth. it doesn’t seem right to invite him inside, even if your heart begs and wails at the highest octave and volume to let him in and let him kiss away all the pain at least for a little while. but you don’t.

“okay… alright, i… thank you, y/n. um, i don’t… i don’t know what to say suddenly, oh, my… what do i do, i’m suddenly speechless,” it becomes clear he’s at a loss of words, he looks around at his surroundings like he just sobered up. maybe you were too harsh. “i just think i’ve fucked up. truly, completely. i’m sorry i finally decided to show up, only at the last second.”

you laugh.

“me, too,” you say with a little smile, facade wrong for the tone in your voice. it betrays each part, just the way your heart feels. he lowers his head.

“i took advantage of you always being there for me, and i wasn’t even there for you, so i’m sorry for that, too. i could have been a hundred times better, like the person i was when we first became a couple. i’m just busy. that’s it. i’m just too busy, and i can’t even do anything better than this. i’m just… really sorry. i can’t even give you anything. i’ve nothing more to offer to you in this moment, and for that and—well—and for everything, i really am sorry. i can’t promise you anything. i just wanted to remind you of how i feel, and i don’t think i’ll ever be able to let go of my love for you.”

you look past him to the dim lit street, black ice leaving the road with a gleam, and the rain picks up, making the sky hazy. he doesn’t belong here. he’s too perfect. he always has been. it’s easy for him to point out all his faults since he begs you to reconsider, but you can admit that you also could have done a bit better, especially for him. he doesn’t need this.

yeonjun’s heart splits in two at the way your own eyes well up, face blank and stony, doing its best to not give away your pain. it’s embarrassing to dismissively wipe away a tear or two that betray your eyes.

“stop beating yourself up, baby,” your voice hitches as you try and reassure him. “i just think we each deserve better. you don’t need to constantly have guilt for being who you are. maybe we aren’t together, but i’ll always be here for you. you know i’m not going anywhere.”

yeonjun grits his teeth and brings a hand to messily wipe away tears you didn’t even know he’d let go.

“don’t say that. i love you, y/n. please,” he pleads, bringing his fists together to his chin.

“just because i’m asking to be apart doesn’t mean i don’t love you,” you take his hands into yours to kiss at them. he sniffles hard, incoherent to the sobs he’s holding back.

he cries too much and hurts too much for someone who will eventually forget that they were even in such a burdensome relationship… he’ll be so busy anyway. he won’t have time to think about this. he has such infinite love for his fans, and his fans love him so infinitely. he’ll be okay in no time, won’t he?

yeonjun’s hands are back by his sides, and so are yours. the wind whistles and your wind chimes ring solemnly. they fill in the silence and the nothing of you two. you know he’s not a mind reader, but you wish he’d ask you how you felt, if it hurt making this decision—because it wasn’t easy. it was painstaking to step up and walk away from this, but you had to. you had to, didn’t you?

“do…you want me to give you a ride? i really don’t know how you got here…” you speak up. your own nose is reddening. he swallows a lump in his throat, hesitating to shake his head.

“my chauffeur parked a few blocks down since the streets are too narrow. i really am sorry, y/n, not only because i feel bad but because i know it’s not fair to you. we… we’ll always be friends, right?” his tone is so fearful, even if he does his best to hide it with hope and liveliness. your face is so still, so blank. you didn’t mean to let him down so coldly.

“of course, jjunbug.” is all you say, and that seems to be enough: enough to keep the heartbreak at bay, enough to soothe yeonjun, your now ex-boyfriend, on the surface at least. it can only be enough. this is as much as you can do. this is as much as he can take.

his smile is wobbly, complementary of the broken light in his eyes that’s so uncharacteristic of him, who is always such a cheerful beam of iridescent light.

“y/n, do you think i could hug you one more time? i know i can’t kiss you or anything, but i’m just… ah, forget about it. it’s stupid i asked…” his tone mirrors his posture; you can tell he feels small. you’ve rarely seen him like that—the few instances he let you mend him when he’d come to you broken, or on the brink of shattering. your yeonjun has always been so strong, even when he was at his weakest.

“sure, yeonjun. we can hug.” you’re in your house slippers, on the frame where your place meets the outdoors. hesitantly, your arm reaches out over the frame where you stand, hand returning to his to bring warmth, and as soon as he feels your touch, knowing it’ll be the last, yeonjun can’t help but come to you, also pulling you more towards him to wrap his arms tightly around you, fisting your clothes and weakly sniffling in your hair.

he smells like home. the pattern of breaths that he takes feel so familiar to you; you missed this background noise. you rest your chin on his shoulder as he does his best to accommodate to your height, your bottom lip wobbles at this realization that you know this’ll be the last.

yeonjun feels your hand come to his nape, lightly and tenderly holding on, playing with his long hair. the faintest of cries makes their way to your ears, and it hurts even more, but you know that this is best. isn’t it?

you stand a little on your tip toes, pulling him down when you can’t stand on them anymore, but he lets you.

minutes pass. the wind whistles, a family or two pass by on the sidewalk despite the frigid breeze piercing the air. his hands rub up and down your arms to bring you warmth, but your senses all come to collect at the hum of his voice, so beautiful and calming, and that scent of his, so rich and comforting. you do your best to savor it to mind, to never ever forget it, and he does the same, feeling the width and softness of your body, your warmth, and your fragrant body that smells like home to him.

after some time and hesitation, he pulls away, hands lingering around your waist before he really is letting go. he smiles, nodding like he understands everything going on in your head, and you nod, the same.

yeonjun takes one step down your small set of steps, looking back one more time, with a sad smile.

“y/n, do you think we could try again in the future?” he asks, words slurring like they always do.

it seems possible, but it also seems like he’s on that path where he’s only going to get busier and busier. and you know you are, too. it’s that point of adulthood where you have to plan weeks in advance to meet with friends. it all seems dismal, but a part of you wants to hold onto that hope, the hope that he would still want you the way he (maybe) wants you now: the way he made an effort to try and win you back. so, all you do is smile and shrug.

“i think so,” even though your heart is breaking, and without a doubt, so is yeonjun’s, you do believe that this isn’t the end for you and him.

for now, you have no idea when you’ll ever see him again, but you still hope.

“maybe.”

[gingerjunhan]

try hard - kwak jiseok

☆彡 I’ve had this idea since I started this account. I’m glad it finally got to see the light. Thank you all for your patience; I hope you enjoy <3

synopsis: you’ve been head-over-heels for Gunil for a while now, but what happens when Jiseok finds an extravagant way to try and tell you how he feels?

based on 5 Seconds of Summer’s song Try Hard

word count: 2,365 | pronouns used: they/them | genre: angst | cws: one sided pining, no happy ending, member-on-member jealousy, swearing, lmk if I missed something!

Jiseok flopped down on his bed and let out a sigh. Practice today felt so much longer than usual. Maybe it was the pressure of their upcoming stage performance, or maybe it was his poor sleep schedule. Either way, Jiseok felt like he was fighting hard to keep his eyes open. All he wanted was to fall asleep right here, right now- half strewn across his bed in the clothes that he wore to the studio. The only thing that kept him awake, however, was his stomach. Hyeongjun was supposed to start making dinner once everybody got home. If Jiseok wasn’t so tired, he would’ve offered to help.

Eventually, the sound of laughter and the scent of whatever Hyeongjun was cooking danced their way into Jiseok’s room, pulling him out of his sleepy haze. There was a voice he didn’t quite recognize- it definitely wasn’t one of his bandmates. Listening through his walls wasn’t solving his mystery, so Jiseok reluctantly rose to his feet and made his way to the kitchen.

“Hey, there he is,” Seungmin announced to the group as Jiseok shuffled through the doorway. “We were just going to come get you for dinner. We thought you fell asleep.”

“Not yet,” Jiseok huffed. “Too hungry.”

“Well the food’s ready. Grab a plate.”

After serving himself, Jiseok made his way to the dinner table and found an extra seat across from his.

“Hey, Jiseok,” you greeted.

“(Y/N), hey. I didn’t know you were joining us for dinner tonight.”

You nodded happily. “Gunil told me he was feeling a little stressed about your upcoming performance, so I thought I’d stop by and try to help him relax.”

Jiseok nodded understandingly. You and Gunil had just recently started dating, and Jiseok wasn’t sure how to take it. He never told Gunil, but he had developed feelings for you a while ago. You and Jiseok had known each other for a long time; he was even the one who introduced you to Gunil. So when you and Gunil started going out, there was nothing Jiseok could do other than be happy for you. He had lost his chance fair and square, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t jealous. “What’s got you so stressed, Gunil?” He decided to ask.

“Well,” Gunil sighed. “Shortly after leaving practice, our manager called to tell us that our stage time was upped by five minutes- which is great! However, our manager thinks it would be smart to have us perform a new cover for publicity. The performance is now less than a week away and we don’t have any ideas, so start throwing some out.”

“5 Seconds of Summer!” Jooyeon suggested instantly. Jungsu rolled his eyes.

“We can’t always cover 5 Seconds of Summer just because you have a man-crush on Luke Hemmings.”

“C’mon!” He insisted. “It’s a song I’ve really been wanting to cover, and I think we would do great!”

“What’s it called?” Gunil asked.

“Try Hard. It’s an older song, but it’s so good. They never perform it, so I think it would be fun to give it a try!”

“Okay,” Gunil shook his head, sounding slightly defeated. “We can keep that one in mind- play it for us after dinner. We can keep thinking of more ideas.”

As dinner progressed, a few more ideas were tossed around for covers. Paramore, DAY6, Muse- but nothing seemed to stick. Once dinner finally ended, Jooyeon got his chance to introduce the group to the song he had in mind. His excitement was evident as everyone listened along.

Jiseok listened intently- trying to ignore the way Jooyeon was serenading the group along with the song. He glanced over at you, and you seemed to be enjoying it almost as much as Jooyeon was. At this point, you had begun to bob your head along with the song, really getting into it. Jiseok didn’t miss the way that Gunil was looking at you; his eyes twinkling a little bit as he watched you jam alongside Jooyeon.

The song has a good guitar track, that was for sure. At the very least, it would be fun to perform. Nothing about the song really struck Jiseok too deeply until the second verse rolled around.

“She’s got a rose tattoo, but she keeps it covered. I play guitar, but she’s into drummers. She’s seen my face around, but she doesn’t even know my name.”

The pain that ran through Jiseok’s chest was almost tangible, striking him like an arrow. His eyes went wide and for a second he swears he started to hold his breath.

“Let’s do it,” he spoke out loud, not thinking about the timing of his comment. Luckily, nobody really seemed to notice. Jooyeon looked over, excited that someone was hearing him out.

“You really want to?” His smile was evident.

“Yeah. It’s a good song and it seems fun to play. Plus, I know you won’t get off our asses if we pick something else.”

Jungsu chuckled, “He has a point.”

Jooyeon’s eyes lit up as he looked at Gunil. “What do you think?”

“I don’t know… haven’t we already played like, three 5 Seconds of Summer songs?”

“Oh, c’mon, Gunil. This song is good!” You coaxed. “What would one more cover hurt? Besides, Villains would love it.”

Gunil let out a sigh, clearly having been won over by your opinion. “Alright, fine. I’ll talk to our manager first thing in the morning. Tomorrow we start working on arrangements.”

Everybody nodded their heads or made some sort of verbal agreement. Jiseok, on the other hand, was lost in thought as he continued to listen. He thought about the way you giggled at everything Gunil said and the way you couldn’t see how Gunil looked at you when you spoke to someone else. It was sickening. Once the song ended, Jiseok calmly slipped away from the others and back into his bedroom, the sound of your laughter fading out as he closed the door behind him.

☆

The next day, the practice room practically buzzed with the amount of work that was going on. Some of the guys were trying to find arrangements for the new cover, Gunil had been breaking into a new set of drumheads, and Jiseok was pretty sure Seungmin was about to break Jooyeon.

“Jooyeon if you don’t stop touching my stuff I’m gonna kick your ass!”

“I’m just grabbing my water!”

“Well then get your shit away from my shit!”

“Gunil!” Jooyeon called out like a child, “Seungmin is threatening me!” The group all looked back to their drummer, who was caught up with something on his phone. After a second, Gunil looked up at him.

“What’s wrong?”

Seungmin laughed. “Looks like somebody is too busy texting to save you,” Seungmin snuck up behind Jooyeon, grabbing his sides, causing Jooyeon to yell. It was now Gunil’s turn to laugh.

“Sorry, (Y/N) asked me a question. But, I’m good. No more distractions.”

Jiseok laughed to himself, knowing that would soon be proven to be a lie.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jungsu intervened, “They’re just messing around.”

Gunil sighed lightly. “Guys, come on. We don’t have the time to be goofing off. We’ve gotta be getting everything finalized for this stage or else management is gonna kill us.” The younger boys let out a group of collective sighs, returning to their instruments and getting back to work. Jiseok put the strap of his guitar back over his shoulders, taking a second to peak back at Gunil again, catching him as he picked up his phone again, laughing to himself and sending another text with a slight blush on his cheeks.

Jiseok scoffed quietly to himself, “What happened to no more distractions?” He shook his head with a sigh, turning back to his sheet music. Jungsu looked his way.

“You alright?”

Jiseok’s attention snapped over to Jungsu. “Yeah. I’m fine,” he responded rather unconvincingly.

“Okay,” Jungsu said with a soft smile. “You just… seem a little stressed, so I thought I’d check in.”

“Thanks.” Jiseok gave Jungsu a tight-lipped smile before turning away again.

☆

The day of their performance had finally come around, and the guys were all backstage doing their typical pre-show rituals. Seungmin had a small set of weights in each hand, Hyeongjun was tuning his guitars, and Jiseok watched from a distance as Gunil giggled into his phone over some sort of phone call. Jiseok took a long, shaky breath to try and steady his nerves, but when Gunil got off the phone and came trotting up to him, he had to act fast to find his usual happy facade.

“Jiseok!” Gunil called cheerfully. “(Y/N) called me to say ‘good luck,’ but they wanted me to tell you good luck as well,” he smiled. Jiseok fought his hardest to return the gesture and make it look genuine.

“Thanks,” he said simply.

“They’ll be right in the front,” Gunil continued, “I think they’re on your side of the stage too. Just letting you know so you know to look out for them!” With that, Gunil skipped off to start prepping for the performance.

Jiseok sat and thought about the way this performance was going to go. The cover was right at the end, and Jiseok could feel the seed of jealousy planting itself into his stomach as a plan formed in his head. He smirked to himself at the thought. Would it be petty? Absolutely, but Jiseok couldn’t stand this feeling anymore. He sat and played with his hands, cracking his knuckles and twiddling his thumbs, which finally led to Jungsu chiming in from his seat nearby.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but I advise that you stop,” Jungsu said simply, his voice steady and stern. Jiseok furrowed his eyebrows, giving him a confused look.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.” Jungsu got up from his seat, making his way over to Jiseok, his voice low. “Ever since the two of them got together, you obviously haven’t been happy about it. Gunil may be blind to your jealousy, but I’m not.” Jiseok looked up at Jungsu with wide eyes. “I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time,” Jungsu continued, “so I advise that you get over yourself before you cause any problems.” Jungsu gave Jiseok one final side eye before a stage manager came to collect the group of men to start setting up for their performance. Jiseok watched Jungsu walk away, knowing deep down that he was right. However, the seed had been planted, the jealousy had already taken root, and Jiseok couldn’t help but seethe as he picked up his guitar, pulled a pick from his pocket, and walked onto stage.

The performance had been going as expected: bright lights, loud fans, and that same energy that Jiseok always feels while performing that he still can’t find the right words to describe. He had located you in the crowd about halfway through their opening number, your bright smile and cute outfit making you stand out against everyone else in his eyes. Upon seeing you, he smiled as well, feeling his jealousy wither away into a feeling of fondness. You waved at him from the crowd, and it took everything in him not to let go of his guitar and wave back.

Finally, their set was about to close, and Jiseok felt the dark vines of his master plan creep back into his chest again. It was simple, but he hoped it would portray the message he needed it to. From his drumkit, Gunil counts the song in, and the band takes off with their cover. Jiseok watches as you dance along in the pit, and he can feel himself fighting an internal battle with his usual stage presence to keep it together. Jooyeon carried the song with a smile, clearly in his element while singing along. As the song progressed, Jiseok’s turn at the mic was coming up, and he knew it was all or nothing. He dropped his guitar completely, putting both hands on the mic and looking at you as the verse he quickly claimed dibs on a practice a few days ago made its way to the speakers.

“She’s got a rose tattoo, but she keeps it covered. I play guitar, but she’s into drummers.” At this, Jiseok watches as you smile wide, aiming your gaze towards the back of the stage, ignoring him almost completely. “She’s seen my face around, but she doesn’t even know my name.” At that, Jiseok picks up his guitar again, performing the rest of the song on autopilot as he realizes that his attempt to grab your attention and tell you how he feels was nothing short of futile. Soon enough, the performance ends, the show is over, and Jiseok floats home- his autopilot keeping him moving.

☆

“That performance was great!!” You squeal as you pull Gunil into a tight embrace, holding him close and kissing his cheek once the seven of you made your way back to the dorm. Of course Gunil had to invite you over, and of course Jiseok had to sit and watch as you hung all over him. This was just what he needed. Jiseok fought to keep his breathing steady when someone yelling his name caught his attention.

“Jiseok!” Seungmin yelled.

“What?!” Jiseok yelled in response, sounding a little more angry than he should have.

“I asked if you wanted a drink. Jesus, I’ve only called your name, like, three times.” Seungmin rolled his eyes. Jiseok waved him off.

“No, I’m fine,” he answered shortly. Seungmin looked over him.

“What’s got you all worked up?”

Jiseok opened his mouth to answer and then quickly snapped his mouth closed again. He could hear you and Gunil laughing together from the other side of the room. He quickly glanced over at Jungsu, who was already giving him a stern look. “Nothing,” he finally answers. “Nothing is wrong.” Jiseok stood from his chair, looking to Jungsu again. “I’m going to bed.”

For a split second, Jungsu’s eyes turned sympathetic. “Good night, Jiseok.”

He nodded slightly, his voice soft. “Good night, Jungsu.”

taglist: @dazzlingligth , @mini-mews , @mxlly143 , @somethingaboutcheese , @odesonnets , @weluvjeong , comment to be added!⁎⁺˳✧༚

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Most-Listened of March 2024

[last month]

This was such an exciting month of releases--Purplekiss, Day6, BLEACHERS?? Chung Ha gave us a couple of songs, Nina Suárez came back out of nowhere, Lucy dropped a single, OLIVIA RODRIGO IS BACK?? I've been super excited for the J-Hope album, too, but I haven't been emotionally ready to check it out, yet, since I want to have the energy to really love it! Not to mention the Seori EP-- PLUS Bol4 and StayC both dropped some covers of huge 2019 k-pop hits.

And that isn't all. The highlights of my month were seeing Bruce Springsteen (only my favorite artist ever.) and Gregory Alan Isakov in concert(s)! So honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed by just how exciting music is right now. (It doesn't help that this month gave me my first album of the year candidate, too!!) This post will be my opportunity to go a little wild, then :)

1. Leopardos -- Ine Güemes

I should not enjoy this listening experience as much as I do. That whistling noise should annoy me by now, after all these listens, right? ... Right? Nope. I love it. This song is so soothing, it's literally the musical equivalent of a deep breath.

2. Appaloosa Bones -- Gregory Alan Isakov

Concert prep + THE sulking song this month. Look, I'm a guy who needs my daily floor time (floor time. perhaps you require it.), and it always involves considerable sulking. (At this rate, you're gonna see a sulking song on this list every single month. It's a tradition now!) I've been losing it about "Was I that gone? / Man, I hope not / Glad you found me when you did" and "The pages slow / in the room I called your name" and "They haven't made no pill / To get us across the winter time" ...

3. All Things End -- Hozier

You know what ended? My eight-week class. *sigh of relief* All things end, truly! Now I just need the reminder that this semester will end, too...

4. Death To My Hometown -- Bruce Springsteen

I'd never heard this one before, but I ASCENDED when I heard it live (the horns section was. fantastic.) and I left it on repeat all month post-concert.

5. The Ledge -- Fleetwood Mac

This song makes me proud of my music taste, honestly--see, I can like weird experimental stuff, too! It sounds wonderfully, comfortingly crowded--like the ambient noise from a nearby café, or like falling asleep with the TV on. I don't know, it's just a feeling I find myself really enjoying. I'm also SO deeply in love with the round-style singing (see: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" rounds in middle school choir) Fleetwood Mac sometimes does (see: my obsession with "Paper Doll"), and they do it in this song !!

6. I Don't Want to Know -- Fleetwood Mac

I like this one for the same reason I like "Second Hand News"--that cheerful self-deprecation just never fails to draw me in. ("Second Hand News" is still better, though!)

7. Smart -- Le Sserafim

Does anyone NOT like this song? I missed the Eve Psyche hype train last year, so this one's hitting me doubly hard. I think the sweeter tone of "Smart" suits Le Sserafim's vocals much better, and the production is just plain adorable! This has been my go-to song during classes, when I need something to cheer me up without making me too overwhelmed.

8. Luz -- Ine Güemes

That vocal processing is SUCH a standout--so soft and hazy and fluffy, just a fascinating texture when you really focus on it, but endlessly pleasant when you leave it on loop and zone out, too. (Look, I REALLY loved this album this month.)

9. Nota de Voz -- Los Hermanos Laser

Classic indie boy music! I like "Azul Plateado" from this album, too, and I have a feeling the whole album will hit for me during the summer--I tend to like that exhausted-sounding alt-rock stuff a whole lot around July & August :)

10. Light Sprite -- Baby Pantera, Isabella Lovestory

Thanks for the rec, @pocima !!

11. I Am Right On Time -- Bleachers

This is a weirdly muted album for Bleachers (especially on the heels of "Stop Making This Hurt" and "How Dare You Want More" from their last album), and this is the most weirdly muted of them all--I really feel like it should be... more, somehow? But it's still quite a cathartic listening experience, and I keep coming back to it!

12. Really Like You -- Gyubin

I've started giving myself 30 minutes of reading time in the mornings, to help me wake up and not be completely miserable about it, so I've been reading a whole bunch of webtoons. (Hell, maybe I'll read a book one day!) This one's the perfect cutesy webtoon soundtrack, and I think it might be here because I left it on repeat while reading Blooming Season?? (I just finished catching up with Jackson's Diary, and I think I'm gonna start Death of a Pop Star next!) Anyway, Gyubin sounds lovely here, can't wait for a comeback!

13. Self Respect -- Bleachers

The production on this song is just SO exciting overall!! But I'm mostly here for the saxophone. God, it's not even that much of the song but it's gorgeous !!!

14. Nieve Sin Fin -- Ine Güemes

Nice aesthetic piano :)

15. Rush -- Twice

I love how dizzying this song is--it's chaotic and overwhelming in the most wonderful way! I was a little disappointed by it when I first listened to the album, I think because their vocals here are much softer than usual. When I let myself get swept away in the production, though, I totally get the appeal.

Five-Star Songs (& Albums!) This Month

BBB -- Purplekiss (the tiktok-music trend finally got me last year--against my will, admittedly. unfortunately for me, "bbb" is a fantastic example of that easy-listening, viral-tiktok sound from a group i'm already obsessed with, so of course i'm a huge fan. great vocal performances and silky songwriting? yeah, it's great--the muted aesthetic doesn't bug me at all--and i actually kind of love the super-short horn sections in the chorus. they're surprisingly full-sounding!)

Beam Beam -- Jeon Soyeon (i didn't get this one at all when it first came out, but i've warmed up to it over the years--and this month it just HIT. it's the perfect showcase of soyeon's energy, and it's such a rush!!)

Death To My Hometown -- Bruce Springsteen (five stars bc it has the words "robber barons" in it!!)

Girl I've Always Been -- Olivia Rodrigo (i keep underestimating olivia rodrigo's power as a performer. of course she could make this country-sounding track work. of course she could make it my favorite from the album in an instant. who am i to question??)

Hey Joe -- Bleachers (a sing-along for the politically disillusioned. happy 2024, fellow usamericans. well, at least the harmonies here are delightful!)

Jesus is Dead -- Bleachers (i mentioned that this album is unusually muted for bleachers--not dull as in 'boring in terms of production or songwriting', but dull as in dead-eyed and zombie-like. the vocal delivery, especially, is unusually bland and flat. "jesus is dead" is definitely the best use of this half-asleep, grayscale aesthetic on the album--a song as hopeless and monotone as its delivery. it's strange and stylish and messy, too, AND there's also a sax solo ?? and it works great ?? i admire it so so so much--i'm very surprised this didn't make the most-listened list, i've been looping it a whole bunch.)

The Ledge -- Fleetwood Mac

Self Respect -- Bleachers (re: saxophone.)

White Rabbit -- Jefferson Airplane (i don't think it's much of a hot take at all to say this one is fantastic. i heard it for the first time in february, and i've been completely obsessed since!!)

Heráldica -- Saramalacara (okay, i've had like. a week. with this album, but it was love at first listen--and "humo" already had my heart, anyway. the atmospherics are breathtaking, the production crisp and intense, and saramalacara's voice // the vocal production here fits SO well!! there's a song called ".tumblr" that's definitely worth checking out, though i enjoy every song on here !! except "_cuervos". i admire that one but god it disturbs me i never want to hear it again.)

Qué Nos Mantiene Despiertos -- Ine Güemes (first album of the year candidate of 2024 !!! not much of a surprise, i'm sure, given my top 15. more breathtaking atmospherics, but in the exact opposite direction of heráldica! this album is full of really unique textures, but all that chaos doesn't make it any less soothing. each song is distinct, but they all come together into this sweet, fluffy youtube-lofi-mix type of experience--and look, i'm a college student. could i ask for anything more in an album?)

[d6world]

Hi, I miss day6 so much. I’d like to request 65 with Sungjin please. So excited to read! Thank u

Sungjin & 65. “Quiet, baby, the others will hear.”

♡ Send me a request!

1.3k words

I miss them so much too. I think it shows in this. ♡

You couldn't be more thankful that your boyfriend's friend group was so easygoing, kind and funny that you clicked instantly - since Sungjin spoke so highly of them, you really wanted to be able to make a good connection with them.

Sungjin was glad too, which resulted in you tagging along for most of their outings and lunches; you were more or less one of them now. And that's how you found yourself cuddled with Sungjin under a warm blanket, watching a Disney movie with his friends sprawled over different parts of his living room.

You were in a pretty fucking great position, you couldn't lie. You were painfully aware of how nice Sungjin's body felt against you, how his big hands were holding you close, and it was taking everything in you to not ask his friends to please get out because you can't keep it in your pants.

You were hardly concentrating on the movie, and Sungjin tracing circles on your shoulder wasn't helping at all. To satisfy yourself a little, you leaned up and kissed him on his jawline, to get his attention. He looked at you with a smile before kissing you fully, and you took the opportunity to get closer to him, adjusting your position.

He discreetly moved his hands to your hair, taking care to not make any loud or obvious movements. You were so frustrated with how little he was giving you, even though you knew you wouldn't want to be embarrassed in front of his friends either. But it felt so purposeful, like he knew how needy you were and was teasing you on purpose. You wouldn't put it past him, honestly.

By this point, everyone had fallen asleep - it was the third movie in a row and the middle of the night; they were probably tired from the day's activities. But you were wide awake.

"Sungjin," you whispered, looking at him as your lips detached from his. Your forehead was resting against his, his hand still lightly cradling your head, making you look at him.

"What, baby?" He asks, a twinkle in his eye. You know he knows.

"I want you to kiss me properly," you said softly, resting your head on his shoulder. His arms held you against him, and you were getting more worked up from the proximity. God, he was intoxicating.

The others were well aware that a dimly lit room with big sofas and bulky blankets was a ready invite for you two to fool around, so when they chose their places to watch the movie, they made sure to keep a safe distance from the both of you. The realisation that you and Sungjin were the only ones on the sofa while everyone else was asleep at least five feet away was both funny and embarrassing.

But you didn't have much time to think about it as Sungjin's fingers traced along your torso, under the loose shirt you may or may not have chosen strategically. Every touch was so careful and gentle that it made you all the more frustrated; when his other hand began grazing under your ear you almost snapped.

You put your hand on his chest and buried your face in his neck, feeling a soft laugh from him at your antics. "Baby, please," you mumbled into his neck, and the sensation made him take in a sharp breath.

"Please what?" He teased again, his hands still making you feel impossibly sensitive.

"Do something 'cause I'm about to cry," you whined, moving your head to look at him. "I'm sorry I'm saying this in front of your friends, I know it's embarrassing and stupid but I really just–"

Sungjin discreetly slipped his hands under the waistband of your pants, and kissed you before you had a chance to make a sound. His fingers lightly pressed your pussy through your underwear, and you sighed into the kiss. When he started moving them, though still not fully satisfying you, it got harder to keep quiet. You went back to cradling in his neck, squeezing your eyes shut to concentrate on staying silent.

And then, it happened. As skilfully and smoothly as he had touched you elsewhere, he moved your panties to the side and pushed in two of his fingers, painstakingly slow. And you couldn't stop the moan that left your lips at finally feeling him inside you.

"Quiet, baby, the others will hear," he spoke against your ear, his deep voice so close to you. You then realised the movie was long over – everyone was still asleep, but it meant you didn't have the TV to drown you out anymore, and had to work even harder to be quiet.

Sungjin started moving his fingers, and your hand moved to grip his shoulder. His other hand now cupped your breast, lightly flicking your nipple, and all the while, he got busy with leaving soft kisses on your neck. There were so many sensations at once, you were starting to lose your mind. "Ah, S-Sungjin, fuck..." you whined when he started to pick up the pace, gripping his shirt uselessly as you squirmed in his hold.

"You're so pretty like this, baby. Why did you apologise? I'll always give my baby what she wants. This is what you want, isn't it?" he whispered huskily, and he noticed the way you shivered involuntarily; the way you bit your lip to stop yourself upon hearing his words.

You felt his thumb starting to touch your clit, and the stimulation was almost too much – he was still mercilessly toying with your nipple, the pain and pleasure of his fingers on your breast was already driving you insane. And of course, the way he was talking to you, voice low and stern, was making all of this a lot harder.

Sungjin evidently knew you well, because as soon as he started to flick your clit with his thumb, he brought up his free hand to cover your mouth. And even though you missed his hand on your breast, the idea of him keeping you quiet like this was a lot hotter.

You felt your orgasm approaching as he started to move his fingers faster, the pressure on your clit getting harsher. "Come on baby, let go," he encouraged, admiring the fucked out expression on your face. "Fuck, Sungjin, I–" you closed your eyes as the building knot in your abdomen came undone, your head falling back onto his shoulder.

Sungjin's hand left your mouth and his fingers finally slowed down as you calmed down, before he took them out completely. You looked up at him with a faint smile on your face, a slight blush on your cheeks from the situation. "That was... amazing."

"Not bad at all, angel," he smirked at you, "you were quiet. For the most part." He brought his fingers in front of you and you opened your mouth obediently, sucking them clean. Sungjin watched with glassy eyes as he thought about how your lips looked so, so perfect around his fingers, and how much better they would look around his dick. But he chose to focus on you for now, for the moment, before he could get you alone and do what he so desperately wanted to.

You kept eye contact as he took his fingers out of your mouth. The moment felt so private and erotic as a thin line of spit formed between your mouth and his fingertips. Sungjin kissed you slowly and sweetly now, and your hands ran through his hair as you felt yourself wanting more again.

He broke the kiss and smiled sheepishly. "They're all asleep anyway. I don't know why we didn't just go to my room."

You laughed, the thought didn't even occur to you. "This was more fun though."

[happilychaengs]

hii, i have a request...could you please write a nayeon x fem! angst that's inspired by the song 'like a flowing wind' by day6 ??

-🦌

honestly i'm kind of ashamed i haven't heard this song before but i started listening to this on loop so... yeah. anyways i was racking my brain for this so i hope you enjoy!

-r

nayeon - like a flowing wind

word count: 716

nayeon x gender neutral reader

In the end, I think this is the end

결국 여기까지가 끝인 것 같아

I have to accept it now

이젠 받아들여야 해

because I tried so hard

너무나도 노력했기에

it must be so hard

이렇게 힘든가 봐

It won't be easy

쉽지는 않겠지만

I will let you go bluntly

덤덤하게 너를 보낼 거라

these were the first lyrics that popped up for me so i just chose this

you put the phone up to your ear as she picked up.

"y/n? what's wrong?"

"nothing nay. i just to talk and also i wanted to know if you wanted to go-"

"yeah jihyo?" you heard her shout over the line. then there was someone else shouting back, presumably the leader herself. she let out another sigh as she apologized to you, "i'm sorry y/n, i have to go. I'll call you back." then she hung up.

you let out a breathy sigh as you looked down at her contact name. 'my only one'.

hours passed. unsurprisingly, she hasn't gotten back to you with anything. a text. a call. any sign she cared enough. you just gave up on it as you made your way to bed. you decided to wait this time.

almost always she comes back at 2 am in the morning. always busy. you sat in your bed as you watched the door aimlessly, waiting for her to appear and just on time she does.

"y/n?" she sounded surprised to see you up, waiting for her. "why are you up?"

"nothing." you gave her a small smile, "i just missed you."

"oh. well i missed you too." she nonchalantly replied as she put her bag down and got into bed. as she laid down, you tried wrapping your arms around her stomach like you used to in the past. she had always said ending the day with your warmth was enough for her to get by.

but maybe she was lying right straight through her teeth. she peeled your arms away as she turned her back to you. "not now. i'm tired y/n. good night."

"oh... okay. good night."

and not before long, you could hear her light snores. that was enough of a signal for you to crawl your way out of bed and away from her. you were losing her. you knew. you've tried so hard. so hard to make this work. to make her happy but you knew that it'd all end soon enough.

maybe if you had stopped trying long ago, you wouldn't be feeling like this. like you have this gaping hole in your heart that's missing something. nayeon was the best thing you could ask for. seriously she was. and yet she felt like the worst thing to happen in your life. she was slipping through your fingers by the second and yet you thought it was fine to let it stay this way. it was foolish really.

you've almost convinced yourself that if you loved her hard enough, it'd be okay. you'd still be happy.

you decided to sleep on the couch tonight. away from her and as a new day came around again, you felt exactly the same. you watched as nayeon came down the stairs, glancing over at you and then just walking out the door with nothing to say. you wanted to tell her to stay for just one day for you. take a break. but you knew you'd be wrong to be so selfish.

you should stop this. you thought. it'll only hurt for a while, right? and it'd be easier for her, right? almost an hour passed of you weighing your options. to stay and be miserable or to leave her and make it easier for you both. you decided to choose the latter.

you scrambled around your house for a pen and paper to just write down everything. your final words to nayeon before you'd let her go and how you truly felt. by the time nayeon got back, she called out for you, not seeing a single sign you were home. "y/n?"

as she looked around, your clothes from the closet were gone. any sign that a person besides her lived here was gone. she grew more worried as she spotted a folded up sheet of paper on the bedside table. her brows knitted together as she slowly walked over and unfolded it.

as she skimmed it, she could tell it was your writing. the letter almost seemed incomprehensible in her current state. where did you go? where were you?

but it all became clear soon enough. tears stained the paper in her hands as she stood there reading the last line.

i'm letting you go.

[bandzboy]

i really miss day6 sigh

[morkofday]

URL Mixtape Game

thank you @icouldhyperfixatehim for tagging me into this and making me join the long urls suffering squad ♥ ily (i will get into your list at some point, i promise!)

To Each His Own - Talos (been thinking about gcf in helsinki a lot these past days. this song always makes me super fond bc of that.)

all that you want - sød ven (blueming made me look up sød ven again and i love love love the new album sob)

Love me or Leave me - DAY6 (day6 keeps dropping absolutely amazing albums. this was my fave song on tbou: the demon.)

ALL I NEED - Ninety One (was absolutely obsessed with ninety one for a bit back when i found out about them. many of the songs are just absolute bops.)

Your Eyes - SWJA (listening to this and it does not surprise me that this an ost song for some korean drama. this has that very soundtrack-y feeling to it and i love it.)

SATELLITE - Koste (i got into this album at the beginning of the year. this one was my fave, i just like the lyrics a lot.)

Pleurs du soir - Nuit Incolore (a black sheep on my playlist. i love the vibe tho.)

Orbit - Hwasa (one of my fave ost songs ever. i miss watching the king: eternal monarch sigh.)

Rebellious - 灵超 (another weirdo on my playlist. once again, i still vibe.)

tangerine - Kehlani (really like this whole album, very summer-y ♥)

KARMA - DEMIAN (more summer vibes!!)

Empty - Nuz (nuz is just one of those artists i will forever love. very my vibe. makes me want to go outside and just look at the big open waters.)

You Should’ve Stayed - MARO (i was very into this song a few years ago and then found this again this year bc of some bad buddy fmvs... it’s been a journey, truly.)

that was a lot of songs. thank you if you listened to all or any of them ♥

tagging: @i-am-just-a-kiddo @ashenlights @psychic-waffles @s1utspeare @foxofninetales @talaypuens and @dimpledpran ♥ come suffer with me! (or link me if you did this already ^^)

[etherealyoungk]

love me or leave me - hoshi

pairing: hoshi x gn!reader

themes: angst, heartbreak

wordcount: 1006

a/n: inspired by the song love me or leave me by day6

©️ etherealyoungk // please don't copy, or translate my works in any shape, form or manner without my permission

everything escalated when you asked hoshi a simple "are you okay". but that seemed to have caused an even bigger rift between you both, finally pushing you both to the corner of a cliff, where your relationship precariously balanced.

“you’re worried about me?”, he asked unbelievably, his expression shifting from hope to confusion in a matter of seconds. you nod and he lets out a small laugh, followed by a sigh as he runs a hand through his hair, his eyes uncomfortable.

“you’ve been acting weird so i just wanted to – “, you don’t get to finish your sentence as he’s shaking his head in disbelief. “you’re worried about me?”, he asks skeptically.  “what are you doing?”, he asks, taking an exhausted step towards you.

“you stop taking my calls, stop answering my texts, don’t want to spend time with me and now you’re asking if i’m okay? you just stop caring one day but suddenly now you’re worried about me?’, he mocks, pain evident in his voice. “what kind of question is that? how the hell am i supposed to be okay? are you even listening to yourself?”, he says bewildered, hurt and offended.

“i was just-“, you start but stop. you've suddenly forgotten how to speak because every word he’s uttered is right and you don’t know what to do.

“you’re right, it was a stupid question”, you say, backing up away from him, eager to get out of this confrontation and situation. but he moves forward so quickly, wrapping his arm around my waist, desperately pulling you closer to him, not letting you go. you bite you lip as stare at him in the dim light of the room. his eyes are shut tight, pain etched on his face.

“what do i do? please tell me what i’m supposed to do. i’m trying so hard but it’s so difficult and i miss –", his voice catches, falls, and breaks. “i miss you”, he says, his voice barely audible. your heart is hammering your my chest, your knuckles turning white from clutching onto his shirt so tight.

“i waited for you to say those words – that we were over, that you wanted to break up. but you never did. and i watched you pretend like everything was okay, when i know you know it was not. because in the end, everything’s up to you right?  you decide when we break up, you decide if you want to love me. you don’t even give a shit about me”, he says, his voice rough and unrestrained.

“do you even care about me?” he questions, and you watch your silence stings him even more, tears starting to pool in his precious eyes.

“just say you love me”, he pleads in agony. your mind is racing and your heart is thumping and your don’t know how to form any words.

“i’m sorry, you have no idea how bad and sorry i feel”, you whisper, trying not to cry.

“why can’t we just try?” he asks, his voice urgent. his arms are gripping your shoulders now and we are dangerously close.

“i’ll take whatever you give me, i just need to know that i have you in my life”, he begs, his voice anxiously hopeful.

“we can’t, i can’t-“, you manage to say, the words rolling off your tongue and the tears are building up in his eyes like a dam that’s ready to break anytime.

“how am i supposed to feel when you don’t love me back? how am i supposed to let you go when i love you?” he demands, looking at you and then glancing at the floor, a tear rolling down his cheek.

“i can’t see to give up on you”, he whispers, distraught and he breaks and the tears from his eyes are falling and falling and falling and you don’t realize i’m crying until it’s too late.

you notice the difficulty he has trying to meet your gaze, to look you in the eye. and he whispers, his voice raw with pain. he asks you the question you've been hoping to avoid, the question that haunts you in your sleep. he asks you the question that keeps you up at night, the question you've been hoping to bury deep in the ground.

“do you even love me? answer me, do you love me?”, he begs, his delicate voice cracking. the air in the room clung with anxiety and dread, fearful hope reflected in hoshi’s tearful eyes as he stares at you, waiting for an answer. waiting for your answer. the room is now eerily quiet, hoshi’s chest heaving, rising, and falling with discomfort.

his eyes are desperately searching yours and you look down, closing your eyes for a few seconds, trying to gather your thoughts. because it’s finally come. the question you buried deep down has been dug up. the elephant in the room is finally going to be addressed. you're breathing hard and you open my eyes and look into his eyes, his beautiful, heartbroken eyes, and tell him the truth. you tell him the answer that he deep down knew but didn’t want to admit, the answer that haunted us both.

“no”, you whisper, and he looks like he’s been stung. he’s looking at you in misery and he’s staring at you. starting at you and searching your eyes, searching your face for something which he doesn’t find. his grip on your waist loosens and he takes a heavy step backward, his arm swinging down and he looks down at the floor. all the pain and heartache you caused him is finally freed from his body as the tears roll down his cheeks, staining his face. and you hear his gentle heart shatter as he ever so glances up at you, letting out a mewl of misery.

his heart was broken a long time ago. and you're the one who took his heart; his loving, warm, beautiful, fragile, broken heart, and shattered it into a million pieces.

[younghyuns-nose-scrunch]

Pictures that you can hear:

[shwacie]

2017 was Mydays’ year and no one can argue with me on this we got 2 full albums 737288 music videos weekly acoustic solo vlives....

[v-le]

Kmusic: My artists in 4 months

Foreword: PHEW this one took a while.... but I have really had so much on my mind lately that i knew i just HAD to churn this one out asap... I also would’ve tried to include videos rather than images but it’s a pain in the butt... I guess my vids will be top secret for now hehe. But really. a true blessing, these 4 months. Ah, I still really cant believe it..

--

If you were to ask me how I felt about my first semester at Yonsei and simply the past 4 months in Korea, from August 21st to December 23rd, I would probably just emphasize how grateful I am. But to narrow down this deep affection for all the happenings, I would have to do so in a music context. It is such a fascinating and seemingly mundane thing to go on about: Why does my music mean what it means to me to this day? How have those values shaped my experiences in Korea so far? What does it mean for me going forward? These are questions I want to ask myself, reflect upon, and continue to explore as I await to begin another journey in Korea once again.

If I rewind to when I first started listening to Korean music, it would be when I was… I don’t even know. I was exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8 years old, when my sister was sucked into the very beginnings of OG K-pop: Wonder Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, you name ‘em all. I’ve talked about this a lot, but during those days I was never particularly interested in that side of music. It didn’t make much sense to me and it just sounded mreh. But after several years of this exposure, I fell into my own K-pop obsession-hole starting with LEDApple, a very unassuming, catchy-music-making band. I was in it for the music. At first.

Okay, now fast forward past my kpop era: you can read all about it in my very extensive post from about a year ago here. But yes, lets leave that chunk of my life behind and think about where I stand from a “music maturation” perspective. Right here. Right now.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or day or time in which I fell into the “deeper” side of Korean music. I am pretty certain that it simply occurred naturally, gradually. What I know for a fact is that I owe so much of myself to my music. At any given point in my life thus far, my music has defined a large portion of my identity: it really does mean a lot to me. I am constantly listening to music. To narrow this down into my current self’s context, my music mostly consists of Roy Kim, Sam Kim, DAY6, Kim Feel, Fromm, Jung Sewoon, Eddy Kim, Kwon Jin Ah, and many many many others.

These artists, the music that they make, is not K-pop. It never will be. I don’t care what those stupid Spotify playlists call some of the songs from these musicians, but they are not and never will be K-pop. (At most DAY6 could come closest to fitting). My discovery of each and every one of these artists varies from person to person of course, but most of my sentiments remain the same all throughout. I would give my everything for these people. But I want to make it very very very clear: it is not necessarily these PEOPLE, these faces, these appearances, these artists themselves that I am oh-so enthusiastic about. It is their voice & music. That is honestly all it really comes down to at the end of day. It is and has always been about the music.

I owe my deep appreciation for my music to several various factors ranging from emotionally & mentally detached parents & family, my somewhat introverted personality, and my incessantly over-analytical mindset. However, what exactly constitutes this deep appreciation is what I want to explore. A certain fact is that I hated high school. As I grew up through the ages of 13 to 17, I completely despised the American public education system that was high school. Without getting into the complex details about my community that was the heart of Silicon Valley and the various cultural pushes, I just have to say that high school felt like a sort of mental torture for me.

And during all those times, when I needed it the most, when I felt so completely lost, when I felt like no one would listen to me, nothing could console my distressed heart and mind, I always fell back to many of those artists listed above. Particularly to Roy and Sam. I owe them SO MUCH. They literally changed my life.

Home. 영원한 건 없지만. Your Song. These three songs, my life songs. Their lyrics literally saved my life. They mean everything to me. Without these songs from Roy & Sam, I would not be where I am today.

All my artists that I mentioned make their own music. They write, compose, produce, everything. They are the true masters of their voices (see, not K-pop). And so, when I listen to them, when I absorb their voices & melodies, I can sometimes really feel their sincerity, their yearning. I am so thankful for what they have produced for this world and for my ears to hear. However, within the past 4 months, I got to see, know, understand, and FEEL these artists on a whole new level.

In chronological order, here is a list of the artists I saw live &/or in person during my time in Korea thus far:

08/31 Roy Kim & Son Seungyeon @ Picnic Concert

09/01 Monogram, Baek Yerin, Kwak Jineon, Paul Kim, Bol4, Crush, Urban Zakapa @ Someday Festival (Day 1)

09/02 Fromm, Jo Hyunah, Jung Sewoon, Roy Kim, Yong Junhyung & Yang Yoseob, K. Will @ Someday Festival (Day 2)

09/08 DAY6 @ You Made My Day Fanmeeting

09/20 Roy Kim @ SNU Fall Festival

11/02 Roy Kim & Kim Haon @ Daellim Univ. Halloween Festival

11/04 Nam Woohyun (& Jang Dongwoo, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Sungyeol) @ 식목일 (Day 3)

11/10 Fromm @ Seoul Music Forum Mini Concert & Free Fansigning

11/11 Eddy Kim @ Miles Apart Album Fansigning

11/22 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Release Showcase

12/01 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Fansigning

12/09 Fromm @ "Midnight Candy" Mini Album Release Concert

12/16 Roy Kim @ ROchestra Live Tour 2018 (Seoul Day 2)

12/21 Sam Kim @ Lotte Tower World Park Christmas Busking

12/22 DAY6 @ "The Present" Christmas Special Concert (Day 1)

Breakdown:

Free: 5 events

Paid Tix: 6 events

Album Purchase & Application: 4 events

🌹 Roy Kim: 5 times

🌚 Sam Kim: 3 times

🌓 Fromm: 3 times

🎸 DAY6: 2 times

As an avid fan of many of these artists for YEARS, like Infinite for 8 years, Roy for 5, Sam since his debut in Apr. 2016, DAY6 since their debut in Sept. 2015, Fromm for over 4 years, Eddy for over 5 years, etc etc. I NEVER thought I would actually get to see or hear these people live. Okay, granted I saw DAY6 live back in Oct. 2017 as well as Sam & the entire Antenna fam in Sept. 2017, both in LA. But doing 3 fansignings????? Meeting and talking with Fromm, Eddy Kim, AND Sam Kim???? Seeing Roy FIVE TIMES??????????? Three times for FREE, once at a festival, and then even being able to go his end-of-the-year solo concert???????? Y’all…. It was literally a dream come true. A stroke of luck tenfold. Twelvefold. I saw at least one treasured artist a total of fifteen times. Whether it was at a college busking event, the Someday music festival, a fansigning, a fanmeeting, or even a solo concert. I was somehow there.

Seeing Roy live was something I thought I would never ever ever in my lifetime get to do. As I explained in my 1st semester wrap-up post found here, Roy’s situation with school made my hopes seem very bleak from the get-go. But still, my luck persisted 5 times throughout. I almost, nearly, COMPLETELY failed to acquire a ticket for his ROchestra solo concert, Seoul Day 2 show. It was probably the most energy-draining, stressful, painful and TERRIBLE ticketing experience I have ever experienced. And trust me, I’ve done lots of ticketing before (unfortunately). But after 1 hour of staying glued to that PC bang computer screen, I managed. And I went. And maybe I’ll have to do a separate post for it, but Roy Kim’s concert on December 16th, 2018, was the best concert I have ever been to in my life. Easily. It was so breath-taking.

But yes, enough with Roy. Fromm is my ultimate indie goddess and she has a charm that is so indescribably perfect. She decided to release a mini album over a year since her last one, in the middle of November while I was there and I wanted to DIE. It was suchhhhh a solid release, and I even got to attend a free fansigning with her as well for her solo concert for the album release. I LOVE her cheeky personality so much. And she really is just sooooo kind. I couldn’t have much of a conversation with her due to the time constraint, but I at least got to snap a quick selfie heh (which i wont exposed bc privacy ya feel??). Her solo concert was gorgeous in every single way; I honestly would be willing to pay any price to go to it again in a heartbeat. Even though it was for her “Midnight Candy” album release, it was basically a Fromm discography concert because she sang EVERYTHING and I was THIS close to wanting to cry because I just felt so grateful & happy in those moments. I love her I really do. Ah, also, 2 out of the 3 times I saw her, I wrote to her & posted on Instagram and she liked both posts for me :”).

Sam…. My luck with Sam was out of this world honestly…. I still get goosebumps thinking about how blessed I was to see Sam 3 times, 2 times in very special instances. First off. He announced the release of his FIRST FULL album after a TWO YEAR & A HALF HIATUS. Y’all. This boy hadn’t released anything for 2.5 entire years since his debut and then suddenly WHAM he does it. Somehow right when I was in Korea. AH… I still….. I’m still screaming inside. I screamed aloud in my room for a good 5 minutes straight when I first saw the news, and yes, to this day I am still screaming. His three pre-release tracks were GORGEOUS & Sun And Moon, track 1, literally brought me to tears without even trying. I had been missing his voice and presence for so long…

And then, for the full album release, Antenna announced a post in which if you pre-order his album when it comes out & email the Antenna staff with the receipt showing proof, you will be put in a drawing to attend his live showcase on the night of its release. OHMYGOSH. I knew I had to do it. I struggled a little bit & even felt like I was doing everything so untimely, but I am SO blessed that I really was able to order & pay for it, shoot Antenna an email real quick, and then nervously await my results for like a week. That one Friday the results were to be emailed out, I remembering feeling extremely anxious all throughout the day. I desperately wanted to go…. And at 6:00PM…. I got the email!!!!! I was literally shaking, hands & knees trembling and everything. I actually got invited to the ‘Sun And Moon’ 1st Album Showcase!!! Y’all!!! It was so amazing. It was the night before I had to leave to Taiwan early in the morning so it was quite stressful, but still!!!!! I felt so honored to be there that night: the venue was extremely intimate and Sam was soooososoooo gooooddd and the tracks he sang were sooo beautiful and just… everything about it was like a dream. I was truly blessed.

A week later…. Antenna announced Sam’s first FANSIGNING & once again I was overwhelmed with this “OMG I WANT TO GO, but how, should I really, but what about….??”. It was a physical album-purchase-based application process which means I had to go to this specific bookstore in Gangnam, buy x-amount of albums, and based on that amount, my name will be put into a drawing that many times. Very basic fansigning grounds. I already pre-ordered his album for the showcase, so I honestly didn’t really need another one… but I decided to test my luck & just purchase 1 measly album & see if that ONE album will help me get chosen. And o boy. I GOT IN :”)). When I saw my name on that list in the official fancafe post, I couldn’t believe it….

On the day of the fansigning which was happening inside a mall, starting at a certain time I was able to walk in and choose a random number from 1-100 and since I arrived early, I got to choose pretty early as well. When I saw my number I literally gasped aloud: #7. I know it’s a corny & cliché favorite number but only bc infinite ok. Being #7 meant that I literally say FRONT & CENTER of the stage…not even stage. There wasn’t a stage... it was just an open area. My turn came around very quickly because I was early and let’s just say I was a fking mess, repeating thank you over and over & literally, incessantly telling him how thankful I am for his music and how grateful that after all that time he took to came back, he came right when I was in Korea and how I was at Antenna in LA & his showcase too and thank you thank you, yadda yadda. Yeah…..I suck at these things I really do. Then, at the end of it all, he took a picture with the crowd of fans and ended up sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME LMAOOOOOOO. Okay here is a picture of maybe my biggest life accomplishment??? jk but no rly LOL.

look ma, i made it :”)

But really, the fact that I actually got to talk to Sam & just try to relay all my thanks that I have been owing to him for many years… wow… I’m still in shock and I am just so eternally thankful. I used to think to myself “damn, I wish I could talk to Sam one day” and damn…. I really did do it…

Eddy Kim was also another meeting that I could have only dreamed of before coming to Korea… His last release was 4 goddamn years ago oh my gosh… This fansign application was not a random drawing like Sam’s but just a “buy his album at this bookstore & u get in” sort of thing. To be honest I could blatantly tell that Eddy’s popularity is definitely not as comparable to the other artists that I cherish & I was quite shocked by this revelation. I knew for sure in America, who the hell would ever know him. But even in Korea, he seemed… just really not that well-known, especially from a music perspective. It was interesting and even a little disheartening to see. He was very kind & cutely impressed with my Korean skills and we literally just talked in a bunch of Konglish & once again I just kept repeating how thankful I was for his music in my life. How I waited for so long and his release literally matched up with my time there as well. Even though I never got to hear Eddy sing live, I am more than happy with the fact that I simply got to chat with him & relay my heart as best as possible.

After doing 3 full fansignings I have fully realized that as grateful for the opportunities I am, they are so difficult and stressful… To be given such a short amount of time to spill out my heart is essentially impossible for me LOL. I’d rather much LOVE to just to sit down with these artists not to fangirl or cry, but to have a real, genuine conversation about their music and why it holds so much sentiment for me. I would love to ask questions about their music and I would love to share with them how much it means me & why I am so thankful at the end of the day. That’s what I really wish I could do. Because even as I hurriedly expressed my countless thanks and probably sounded like a hot mess, I feel like I still just came off as a surface-level fan saying their thanks. But noo! In reality, I just wanted to relay how much their music means to me (I literally just typed this wow repetition is gr8). Which I feel like I really couldn’t do properly… I couldn’t get my heart across all the way ☹ but it’s okay because as I’ve been repeating, I am infinitely thankful nonetheless.

My first DAY6 event, their 3rd year anniversary 1st fanmeeting, was a bit of a flop for me simply because they talked wayyyyy to much & played stupid games & everything… and it was cute, but not what I was there for. I kinda wished I heard more of them singing, but it’s okay. In no way am I undermining this monumental day because I know it meant a lot to the boys & fans collectively. Jae could not participate due to health reasons & it definitely put a huge damper on the entire atmosphere, but the members tried their best and the entire audience even consistently sang aloud all of Jae’s parts during the songs when his voice was not there. They also sang a never-before-released track with Jae and they all just cried a bunch and me, sitting there, watching those light-wrist-band-thingies glow & beam & shine in-sync with the music, all sorts of colors, in a massive wave of lights & fanchants & music sewn together… wow it was honestly stunning & one of the most awesome spectacles I’ve ever experienced. Korean fans are really something else….

Speaking of which, attending 15 events during my 4 months there taught me many things about Korean concerts & fans that I find so extremely fascinating.

For most concerts, whether they are super hype-y & K-pop-y or a ballad one with minimal need for movement, when there are seats, fans with stay seated for the most part. In America, I feel like all fans tend to automatically stand (for basically all K-pop acts) regardless of the seating. But in Korea, at my experiences with DAY6 in particular (I also have heard that BTS in Seoul was the same), fans stayed sitting basically all throughout. The most like bodily movements they require would be the waving of their lightsticks. It was honestly pretty refreshing to see a generally calm & collected audience, at least where there was seating.

The fanchants are out of this world !!!!! Especially for the 2 times I saw DAY6, the fans were so on point with their fanchants: they were loud and clear and crisp AND THEY MATCHED WITH THE LIGHTS ON THEIR WRISTBANDS AND EVERYTHING wow was that so cool to see… The fans are super in unison & it honestly adds such a new level of energy to the experience.

SINGING !! Of course, since all these fans are Korean, they can actually sing all of these songs at concerts, unparalleled to international fans lol. One really cool moment at DAY6 that I will probably remember forever simply because this song is gorgeous & means a lot to me… but at day 1 of DAY6’s ‘The Present’ xmas concert series, Wonpil said “We’ve been on world tour for a while now and I’ve been wanting to try this out… if I play this song, can you sing for me?” and of course we all unconditionally said yes. And he started to play 그렇더라고요 on the keyboard & the ENTIRE AUDIENCE caught on immediately & we all sang the entire intro & first verse together in unison, as loud as we could, as the members joined in one by one w/ their own instruments, just watching us as we SANG FOR THEM. It was so cute & we even did it again with 장난 아닌데. This sort of stuff…. Wow…. Can only really happen at a domestic concert, which was honestly so so so beautiful. I LOVED IT!!!

No crazy, constant screaming during every part of the performance. Fans in Korea honestly only scream when necessary… ya feel? Sometimes at concerts, I feel like fans are just screaming at the top of the lungs the entire time, during every second of a song. But Korean fans chant when there is a chant, and cheer & scream when it really fits the situation. I really liked this more toned-down atmosphere from the Korean audiences.

I think that’s all I can really narrow down from my various experiences at Korean concerts compared to the ones in America… It really is quite different though, and I feel so honored to have witnessed this comparison countless times. I am really just honored to be there at those moments in general.

Which brings back around to this… upgraded level of connection towards my artists. After seeing so many of them in person and more than once for that matter, when listening to their music now… something definitely sounds different. When I listened to these artists before I saw them right in front of my eyes, their real, authentic voices blasting into my ears, I still felt moved, I still felt goosebumps, choked up, a bulging affection sometimes. And not that I have lost those feelings, no, definitely not. Now… now, when I listen to these artists through my earbuds or through my laptop… I can literally hear them in my ear. Does that even make sense? Well, duh… of course I can hear them. But like… it’s like… I can hear them on a much more intimate level than ever before. Now, I can really imagine & sense these voices in my head. I can pick up the sound of their breaths, picture their expressions, and really just HEAR their voices as if they were physically singing into my ear right there in that moment, in person. It’s such a peculiar and special and unique feeling that is honestly so hard to describe with just words…

But to be honest like… to this day I still cannot wrap my head around everything. I can barely count and keep track of all the artists I saw and when I saw them and what they sang. I feel like SO MUCH happened that my mind can barely grasp it all, as much as it wants to do so so badly… I still can barely comprehend it… years ago I would cry to Sam Kim, ponder how amazing he would be live… and then literally somehow, he sang two songs like 7 feet in front of me, and even sat right next to me. I thought Fromm was a goddess from another world: but I somehow got to talk to her & even take a selfie?? What?? I thought the world would never let me see Roy who always has his school life to manage as well…. But I got to see him live 5 times?? And even go to his solo concert?? WHAT??????? HOW????????? YOU GUYS, I could honestly go on and on and on because it still all feels like a dream…

In particular with Roy Kim… I say this to myself all the time, the irony is just… wow. Who would’ve known that after years of watching countless fancams, effortlessly memorizing his scarce yet existent fanchants, also memorizing set-lists without even trying, becoming all-too-familiar with things like the way he talks, addresses the crowd, sings specific songs, even all the way down to the way he does adlibs for certain songs… I unknowingly picked up & knew these performance aspects SO WELL through pure admiration, enthusiasm and just LOVE for every song he sings. And who would’ve known, that years later, I would have my very own fancams to cry over. After years of literally watching almost EVERY fancam of him on youtube, at all the various events he performed at, some years more frequently than others, today I can proudly say that I have my very own fancams of him, too. Ohmygosh, it’s still so hard for me to believe…

It really just….. *breathes deeply & tries to recollect self for the 24980164th time*…. It just goes to show… No, okay I don’t really know what it goes to show… But one thing is a fact: loving, cherishing, being thankful for, dedicating so much of my emotional & mental strength towards these seemingly-no-one artists has paid off tenfold. No, billionfold. I don’t even know. I just…. I just never thought I could do and see and hear and experience the things that I did. Never. These people…. These people have given me so much, and although I tucked them deep into the folds of my heart for years, I never thought I could truly open up these treasured feelings one day & TRULY support them with my very own eyes & ears & heart. IN person. I am just so so so blessed. So thankful. Really. Always.

Now, it’s time to bring myself to reality & to think about what this means for me going forward. I don’t want to believe in my passion for my music as a phase: Infinite & all things K-pop wasn’t simply a phase for me. It literally was a maturation, a self-realization, a loss of support for the things I never really knew or understood until time started to pass. I don’t think I grew out of K-pop. I think I simply grew with K-pop & got to understand more about it. And with that understanding came a change of heart. Which is literally the title of my post from years ago: “why I fell out of love with K-pop”. It’s not just “Oh, I am older now. So, I don’t want to like this seemingly childish stuff”. No, it was never about K-pop’s image or whatever. I can’t emphasize more, but it always comes down to the music for me.

Infinite has been and is a piece of my life that I will never forget. A piece of my life that has literally brought me to where I am today. I sit here, with my experiences and knowledge and feelings, in part, due to Infinite. I can guarantee anyone that much. And so, no, they really weren’t just a phase. Things change, people grow older, time flows. That’s just how it works. Does my heart ache over old K-pop like every day? Hell yeah it does LOL. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only thank old & 2nd-gen K-pop for the amazing memories that it has given me.

And so, with my music and my artists today, is this all a phase? Will I stop being as enthusiastic years later, like I did with Infinite? You see, with Infinite, I was always apprehensive. At the age of 12, I KNEW that time would eventually take its toll & my blatant love would not necessarily transcend the years that will drag on in the future. But that never made my appreciation for them dim: it only grew stronger as the days went by. I think I am always apprehensive. I think I always fear losing the feelings that I feel with great passion & love at this moment in time. Just as Roy says, 영원한 건 없지만. Nothing lasts forever (but...). I literally think about this all the time. It is such an important concept to me, and it is how I motivate myself to be thankful for everything and everyone and to just take things one step at a time. And so, to really answer my question: is this all just a phase?

I really, honestly, hope… No, I just think not. I really do not think so. At the age of say, 24, five years from now, will I still be loving Roy & Sam & DAY6 & Fromm & everyone else? I really honestly hope so. For as long as they can make music, I can keep loving them, right? Just as Infinite has done since I was 11, 8 years ago, up until today, I firmly believe that my artists can continue this long-lasting impression on my life. They instill a sort of magic & sentiment in my life that almost nothing else in this world can do for me. And for that, I will stay grateful for & only hope for the best.

Roy is currently back in school right now, finishing up his last semester before he finally gets to graduate! I am excited and proud and a bit sad all at the same time. But honestly, it really just comes down to the humanness of these people. When I first saw Infinite back in 2013 as a lil 14 year-old, I guess you could say I was starstruck. I was like “that’s them??!?? Those dudes ive spent countless hours watching through the computer screen?????? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME?”. I had similar thoughts at the LA K-pop Festival in Apr. 2014 when I saw many many many of the big, og k-pop groups at that time. It was hard to believe that these people are real. I would say that my experience with the “With Antenna” in LA concert back in Sept. 2017 made me come to this important realization. That was the first concert where I actually spent the entire time sitting down and just listening. Listening to these wonderful musicians playing their instruments & singing gorgeous songs & just absorbing all that godly magic in the air at that place in time.

I really got to feel how human artists are at the end of the day. K-pop is always built up to be this larger-than-life dynamic, but real artists… No, they’re so much more different. They are simply people, like you and me, with a passion for their music & they wish to share that passion with the rest of the world. That’s it. The sincerity & genuineness that goes into my artists’ music can literally be felt from all the way across the world, just through a few audio snippets, fancams, and grainy Instagram videos. And that is seriously so beautiful. They are so amazing at what they do, they truly are.

Roy’s last two songs from 2018 were purely love song ballads, and I am not complaining or anything. As solid and classic as these tracks were, I still miss that acoustic, healing tone from him. Before he left for school again, he mentioned several times that he wants to come back with music that will console listeners. I was honestly so genuinely happy to hear this. He knows, he honestly, really does. He has even said it before, but he knows that his music can literally lift people back up from the dead. He wants to do that for them. For you and me, who struggle in life when the going gets rough, he wants to be of some sort of help, no matter how minuscule. He knows, he really does. And that is just so beautiful. I am so proud of him & I can’t wait to see what he will have in store for us in the coming months (after his grad, that is).

To all my artists that made these 4 months feel like a literal dream: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. Thank you. Always.

늘 고마워요.

[qianvevo]

im so broke i can’t even buy new yankee candles :(((((

[1loona]

i love jackie :(