#simon's tears i freaking bawled my eyes out

[wilmonssun]

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

stephanie perkins: ‘anna and the french kiss’

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Then again, if you’ve read any YA book, ever, it’s fairly obvious what’s going to happen.

I was going to go easy on this book; I really was. It’s really unfair how media aimed at a female demographic is seen as frivolous and vapid, and more often than not bashed and bullied when it comes to reviews. “People actually enjoy this crap?” ask the powers that be. “It’s worthless! Pulp! Dreamy-eyed nonsense only complete nimrods could ever like!”

And I take offense to that. There’s nothing wrong with liking romance or happy endings or stories about cute European boys. I was ecstatic when I stumbled across Anna and the French Kiss upon a chance trip to the bookstore. The cover was… meh (Century Gothic? Really? There were no other fonts?). But I’d heard nothing but praise about the book, and I was prepared to stay up all night and into the wee hours of the morning to finish it.

Admittedly, I was far from impressed upon the first reading. The characters were unlikable, the plot would’ve worked better for less shitty characters, honestly fuck these characters am I supposed to like them, fuck Anna, fuck Étienne, fuck Bridgette, fuck Toph, fuck Dave and Meredith and Amanda and Seany and every other stupid character in this stupid book.

The second time around, I expected to not hate it as much as I did when I first read it. It’s happened- I hated Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda when I first read it, and when I read it again, all that red-hot anger simmered down into an overall dislike. I thought To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before was trash at first, and then I read it again, and it got promoted to recyclable waste matter.

I found Anna and the French Kiss horrendous the first time I read it, and then I read it again, and… yeah, it’s still pretty awful.

Le Sommaire:

Anna Oliphant is a seventeen-year-old wannabe film critic who is #NotLikeOtherGirls – so she’s exactly like every other female YA lead. To her credit, she never explicitly says she’s special… everyone around her does.

She has a pretty meh life in Atlanta, Georgia with her mum and little bruv Sean- and then her dad decides to ship her off to France for her final year of high school. I’m not judging Anna for bawling her eyes out on her first day; I’m a huge mummy’s girl myself and I’d probably (definitely) do the same.

Meredith is Anna’s next-door neighbor, who does that thing which only happens in YA where she’s like “Oh, newbie? Let’s be friends!” (Or maybe it does happen irl and I tend to make a bad first impression which is why no one has ever approached me.)

Meredith’s friends are: Rashmi and Josh (who are a couple), and Étienne St. Clair. Guess which one is the love interest.

Étienne is cultured in that white person way where he’s half American, one quarter French and one quarter British. A true international.

But- *gasp*- American-British-French boy has a girlfriend, Ellie.

Anna has an absolutely gorgeous punk rocker (yum) boy with sideburns (yikes) back home named Christopher. Also, Christopher’s nickname is ‘Toph’ instead of ‘Chris’ because he too is #NotLikeOtherGirls. Anna tells us that nothing will happen between her and Étienne.

Anna is wrong.

Meredith has a crush on Étienne. So does the Regina George of the school, Amanda.

Étienne and Anna have some moments ™.

♫ Everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but Anna ♫

I tear my hair out in frustration.

Several other white boys vie for Anna’s heart. Anna remains blissfully unaware (♫ that’s what makes you beautiful ♫). Étienne (who is still dating Ellie, mind you) is unreasonably agitated by this.

Étienne’s mum has cancer btw, which excuses all the shitty things he does, because he’s just a poor, misunderstood boy.

Ellie dresses up as a, quote unquote, ‘slutty nurse’ for Hallowe’en, though- so it’s perfectly okay to dislike her (even though, in the first interaction she had with Anna, where Ellie meets Anna and Étienne, after Étienne takes Anna to the movies, Ellie is perfectly sweet).

Anna, however, is NOT a slut. Amanda is, though. And Rashmi’s cold. And Meredith’s desperate. And Emily’s a slut, too. And her friend Bridgette from Atlanta is a traitor. Anna has an intense case of internalized misogyny.

Anna’s friend Bridgette from Atlanta is screwing Toph, and Anna throws a fit.

Étienne and Anna have some more moments ™.

A truly chaotic series of events befall Anna. She somehow winds up dating Dave (one from the harem of white boys who likes her) to spite Étienne, she gets into a fight with Amanda, more drama ensues, there’s a hint for a spinoff, Étienne and her kiss, Meredith sees and feels betrayed… several misunderstandings and more bullshit later, Étienne and Anna wind up together, because true love conquers all.

Mes Réflexions:

(If the French is off, blame Google Translate.)

Usually, it takes me half a page of my notebook to scribble down my thoughts about the book I’m reading. This motherfucker took me almost an entire page.

Granted, a solid 30% of those notes are me throwing insults at Étienne, but still. ‘STOP STOP STOP YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU DICK’ counts, right?

(That was #17 in my notes, by the way.)

For the record, I like Stephanie Perkins’s writing. It’s not as over-the-top and unnecessarily introspective as Jenny Han’s in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, and the interactions between Anna and her classmates were natural and not the “How do you do, fellow kids?” style of Becky Albertalli’s Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda. The pacing is decent- I didn’t feel like it was too rushed; not the insta-love trope most YA romances unfortunately fall prey to.

And yet. AND YET.

Anna: “What’s your problem?” Amanda: “You.”

Same, Amanda, same.

Anna Oliphant is one of my least favorite leads in a book, ever. Étienne’s even shittier. And it’s not like Nick or Amy Dunne from Gone Girl, or any of the main characters from The Secret History, where readers pretty much unanimously hate them. You’re meant to relate to Anna, you’re meant to find Étienne charming and dreamy. I literally had to put the book away and calm myself down several times- especially in the last quarter of the book.

One of my main gripes with Anna is how… dumb she is. I guess Anna’s “Oopsies, silly me, I don’t know French!” is meant to be relatable to the readers. And some parts (like her not knowing how to order food because she can’t speak French) are plausible, but- sis, you didn’t know how to spell oui? And my idea of a cinematic masterpiece is Kung-Fu Panda, but even a dumbass like me knows that France is the film appreciation capital of the world. And yet Anna, a self-professed film freak, doesn’t?

Of course, Anna’s gorgeous, but she has no clue, because of course she doesn’t- even though she has multiple guys falling head over heels for her.

I’m in a short skirt. It’s the first time I’ve worn one here, but my birthday seems like the appropriate occasion. “Woo, Anna!” Rashmi fake-adjusts her glasses. “Why do you hide those things?”

Étienne is staring at my legs. The scales covering them throb under his intense gaze, and the pincers sticking out of my thighs start clicking rapidly in arousal. My hooves shiver in ecstasy.

… sorry, that’s not funny.

Her friends think Anna’s weird for wanting to write film reviews (which is the most contrived thing I’ve ever heard) instead of being the next Margot Robbie or whatever, but of course Étienne doesn’t and he thinks it’s not weird and cool and that Anna is such a special snowflake.

(Man, I sound like Amanda.)

And then we have this spiel by Anna about how she got into film critiquing (?), because we the readers need to know how special and #NotLikeOtherGirls Anna is.

To this, I say, “Piss off, you pretentious fuck.”

Of course, Anna’s a virgin and she’s never gotten drunk before or worn short skirts- she’s not a slut, she shaves below the knees only.

And would YA really be YA without several hearty helpings of internalized misogyny?

First up, we have the bimbo; the Barbie doll archetype whose only goal in life is acquiring the main guy (who is quite obviously uninterested in her), and making life hell for our protagonist. Amanda Whatsername (is she ever given a surname?) has this coveted role in Anna and the French Kiss. She’s blond (because of course she is); the first time we meet her, she’s in a, quote unquote, ‘teeny tank top’, and she also ‘positions herself for maximum cleavage exposure’. She’s always flipping her hair, getting her grubby paws on Étienne, giving Anna the stink-eye, being homophobic and a grade-A bitch.

Meredith goes batshit when Anna and Étienne kiss, and is very pouty and unhappy during prior Anna x Shittiene moments. Honey… he’s just not that into you. Rashmi’s the Ice Queen reincarnate and halfway to bitchdom. Anna doesn’t go as hard on them as she does on literally every other female her age in the book, though.

Rashmi looks at me for the first time, calculating whether or not I might fall in love with her own boyfriend.

Anna, hate to break it to you, but not everyone’s a possessive fucking weirdo.

About Cherrie, her ex-boyfriend Matt’s new girlfriend:

And maybe Cherrie isn’t as bad as I remember. Except she is. She totally is. After only five minutes in her company, I cannot fathom how Bridge stands sitting with her at lunch every day.

Her lifeless laugh is one of her lesser attributes. What does Matt see in her?

Even Bridgette, Anna’s best friend from Atlanta, isn’t immune to Anna’s anti-female propaganda. She’s screwing the guy Anna used to like, and Anna, the hypocrite, throws a huge fit.

For context: Bridgette and Toph are in a band called the Penny Dreadfuls (why is it with YA books and horrible band names? ‘Emoji’ from Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda was bad enough), and Anna + Matt + Cherrie go to a bowling alley to see them perform. After the performance, Toph announces that he’s sleeping with Bridge, and Anna confronts Bridge… onstage.

“… You’re welcome to move in when I leave again, because that’s what you want, right? My life?”

She shakes with fury. “Go to hell.”

“Take my life. You can have it. Just watch out for the part where my BEST FRIEND SCREWS ME OVER!” I knock over a cymbal stand, and the brass hits the stage with an earsplitting crash that reverberates through the bowling alley. Matt calls my name. Has he been calling it this entire time? He grabs my arm and leads me around the electrical cords and plugs and onto the floor and away, away, away.

Everyone in the bowling alley is staring at me.

I duck my head so my hair covers my face. I’m crying. This would have never happened if I hadn’t given Toph her number. All of those late-night practices and… he said they’ve had sex! What if they’ve had it at my house? Does he come over when she’s watching Seany? Do they go in the bedroom?

I’m going to be sick.

Give me a goddamn break.

Anna, about Ellie:

To my amazement, Ellie breaks into an ear-to-ear smile. Oddly enough, it’s this moment I realize that despite her husky voice and Parisian attire, she’s sort of… plain. But friendly-looking.

That still doesn’t mean I like her.

“Anna! From Atlanta, right? Where’d you guys go?”

She knows who I am? St. Clair describes our evening while I contemplate this strange development. Did he tell her about me? Or was it Meredith? I hope it was him, but even if it was, it’s not like he said anything she found threatening. She doesn’t seem alarmed that I’ve spent the last three hours in the company of her very attractive boyfriend. Alone.

[about Ellie’s Hallowe’en costume] Slutty nurse. I don’t believe it. Tiny white button-up dress, red crosses across the nipples. Cleavage city.

If I didn’t like Ellie before, it’s nothing compared to how I feel now. It doesn’t matter that I can count how many times we’ve met on one hand.

I fantasize about their break-up. How he could hurt her, and she could hurt him, and all of the ways I could hurt her back. I want to grab her Parisian-styled hair and yank it so hard it rips from her skull. I want to sink my claws into her eyeballs and scrape.

It turns out I am not a nice person.

YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.

Emily Middlestone bends over to pick up a dropped eraser, and Mike Reynard leers at her breasts. Gross. Too bad for him she’s interested in his best friend, Dave. The eraser drop was deliberate, but Dave is oblivious.

One of the juniors, a girl with dark hair and tight jeans, stretches in a move designed to show off her belly button ring to Paul/Pete. Oh, please.

And I’m meant to like this character? I’m supposed to root for her?

I’m not saying every girl in the book should be perfectly sweet and friendly- that’s just not realistic. But when Anna has something judgmental to say about every other young female character… maybe she’s the problem.

In fact, the only girl I recall getting a pass is Isla Whatsername. And why do you think?

Brilliant.

And now we have the amalgamation of almost every fanfic boyfriend trope from 2014, Étienne St. Clair. Brown-eyed Harry Styles. I can’t fucking wait.

Étienne could’ve discovered the cure for cancer, or abolished poverty, or volunteered at animal shelters in his spare time. He could’ve been the most virtuous guy around (fret not; he decidedly isn’t). And I still wouldn’t’ve thought of him as the man of my dreams because HE HAS A BLOODY GIRLFRIEND.

I mean, which girl doesn’t want her boyfriend to say:

“I cheated on her every day. In my mind, I thought of you in ways I shouldn’t have, again and again.”

Fuckin’ smooth, bro.

“No matter what a terrible boyfriend I was, I wouldn’t actually cheat on her. But I thought you’d know.”

Such a gentleman!

“So you can keep dating Ellie, but I can’t even talk to Dave?”

Étienne looks shamed. He stares at his boots. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t even know what to do with his apology.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. And this time, he’s looking at me. Begging me. “And I know it’s not fair to ask you, but I need more time. To sort things out.”

And this gem:

“If you liked me so much, why didn’t you break up with her?”

“I’ve been confused. I’ve been so stupid.”

*me, banging pots and pans together* F U C K Y O U

“Ellie’s not like you, Anna; she’s a slut and a whore even though I’m the one who’s been thinking about another girl inappropriately and I’m the one who gets my knickers in a twist when another man glances in your direction because my masculinity is extremely fragile and I’m a total hypocrite and a dickhead.”

I mean, he didn’t actually say that, but that’s the gist.

WHILE DATING ELLIE: he gets Anna a book of sexual love poems, he calls her attractive (“Any bloke with a working prick would be insane not to like you.”) multiple times, he gets jealous whenever another guy so much as breathes in Anna’s direction and constantly interrupts such interactions, he’s been ditching his friends for his girlfriend but suddenly decides he prefers a new girl over said girlfriend, he thinks bread pudding tastes good- in conclusion, he is a Massive Fucking Prick. Though in hindsight, him and Anna deserve each other. They’re awful.

I had loads more notes taken down (Anna using Dave; “The important thing is this: Dave is available. St. Clair is not.”); the implication that cheating is okay because Ellie is bad or whatever, even though the sudden change in her character seems contrived because she was perfectly okay with Étienne and Anna hanging out before; how my blood boils whenever I read an American book and American girls are like “oOoOh AcCenT!!!1!!1!!”; me reading “DAVE SAYS YER A SLUTBAG” in Hagrid’s voice; the sheer atrocity of the name ‘Étienne St. Clair’ (sounds like a caricature of a French person)… but this ‘review’ is already pushing 3k and I can’t be fucked to expand on any of those points.

Verdict (which is apparently the same in French):

Who needs Christopher when Étienne St. Clair is in the world?

Speak for yourself.

[yanderedbh-moved]

In this scenario, you’ve become fed up with your life as the yandere’s glorified captive. Deciding you can’t take another day of this, you attempt to just get up and walk out. Much to your dissatisfaction, though, you are stopped at the door by the yandere. After a heated confrontation, you make a split-second decision to just try and force your way past them. However, in a blind panic, the yandere grabs you and throws you with full force away from the door, accidentally throwing you up against the wall. The unexpected strength of the attack was faster than your reflexes. After your head collided against the wall, you were unable to catch yourself before landing on your back. Knocking the wind out of your lungs, leaving you stunned and practically immobile.

Connor

For a brief moment here, Connor might unintentionally have a bit of a "blackout" moment. On account of all the stress and peril of his current situation, Connor loses full control over himself and his instincts as a hardened police Android take over. Resulting in Connor reacting with such force.

After he's apologized to you and after you've allowed him to scan and assess any possible damage caused, he will do his best to explain the cause of this outburst. Partly for your own sake of understanding and partly so you won't blame him later.

Though he might not want to do this, Connor can't help but notice how he has your full attention and that you undeniably view him as a threat he will use fear to get his point across towards you. He'll explain that he's powerless to stop this shift in his own behavior, and it'd be in your best interest not to test him again if you don't want this to happen.

Markus

He knows there's no way to prevent himself from feeling guilty over what he's done; he must admit to himself this choice was made with the both of your well-being in mind. Although this hurt, it really was a necessary evil.

Before he does anything, Markus will allow the silence and fear to fully set in for you to really learn your lesson here before he even does anything. After this, he will give you a choice. Apologize for leaving and swear you'll never do this again and he'll help you out here, or you can try your little escape again and see where that leads you.

After everything, though, you know there's no way you physically have the strength left and you to try and run again. With no choice but to admit defeat, you let Markus carry you back to the bed where you'll have an awfully long time to think about what you've done.

Kara

Before now, Kara always saw herself as a protective figure to you; it just didn't make any sense to her why you would try to run from her. What made even less sense to her, however, was how could she let herself bring you harm after she promised so long ago to do nothing but love and protect you.

To make up for doing this to you, Kara swears to look after you with the utmost attention while your injuries repair themselves. No matter how minor any of those injuries might be to her, this is her fault, and she must atone for this.

Kara might really beat herself up over this because, on the one hand, she really does feel guilty over doing this to you. However, this might also be a slight manipulation tactic to convince you to forgive her over all of this.

Hank

He's barely even able to fully process what has happened before he's a cursing mess. Not exactly hard to understand why it would cause Hank so much stress to see he directly caused someone he loves so much physical pain. As he's likely become so smothering over you to cope with the way he blames himself for Cole's death. So even a rather minor incident like this has his stress levels at a maximum.

He'll start swearing before doing his best to quickly bend down and get beside you. (As swiftly as he can though unfortunately his knees just aren't what they used to be.) As a lieutenant, he has at least the vaguest of medical knowledge to check to see if you have any significant damage on the back of your head or on your neck.

For a long time, he wouldn't know what to do other than to just hold you in his arms and whispering in your ear to you over and over how sorry he is. Needless to say, this stuck with him, and he actually is more hesitant to strike out in the future or to even so much as raise his voice.

Luther

To say he was regretful was an understatement. Honestly, there were no words to describe the shame and regret he felt as he watched your body slumped to the floor, and the way your eyes wide nearly tearing with fear stared up at him. No doubt, fearing that he was about to strike at you again.

It was nothing short of heart-wrenching to watch as all his efforts to convince you he was more than the attack dog he was programmed as were crushed with one regrettable outburst. Unable to stop himself, Luther would fall on his knees at your side, pulling you into his arms, careful not to bring any further strain to your harmed body as he wept and apologized.

Simon

It's difficult for Simon to decide what to do here, and seeing the way you're too afraid to move as you look up at him isn't helping. However, considering there's no way you're planning to try and escape from him for the rest of the night, Simon would likely take off to be on his own for a little while.

Simon knows he's a strong guy. However, he knows he's not exactly the toughest around, and any injuries you suffered by his hands will likely need no more than a night to recover from. That's isolation is best for you both.

It wouldn't be until much later into the night when you think you're all alone in bed that you would feel him crawl up beside you. Only after a long time alone to think about his actions, would you get a proper apology. Even here, though, Simon wouldn't waste his breath and promising not to do this again.

North

Like many yanderes here, it's genuinely tough for North deal with what she's done or by extension to fully comprehend the pain she's caused. Because of that North will try to cover the feelings of guilt and shame with anger.

She'll say things like, "See what you've done! I warned you not to get in my way or to leave me and look at what you've done! How could you do this to us? You must really hate me, even after everything I've done for you!"

Make no mistake though these words of harshness of hers are nothing more than a front North is putting on. There is no one here she's more angry with then herself no matter what she might say. The one thing which would eventually break through to her though it would be the site of you curled up on the floor at her feet and pain.

Josh

He was angry at you before for trying to leave him like this but, once he fully realizes what he's done, there is no one Josh is more upset with that himself. Josh wanted to show you there was no reason to fear or hate him, but what did he do instead? Nothing but prove your fears to be true.

Despite the intensity of his own emotions at the moment, Josh wouldn't immediately rush to your side. He knows you're already afraid in the last thing Josh wants is to further scare you or stress you out.

All he wants to do right now is hold his beloved as he brushes away your tears and rocks you gently to calm you down enough to stop crying and to stop fighting his affections.

Kamski

Despite the situation, there's a chance Kamski might feel a touch of pride in reducing you to such a pitiful fearful, and helpless state. Kamski might fancy himself in intellectual over a fighter any day, but he loves to see your reactions of all kinds. No matter the emotion, he can't get enough.

Because of this, Elijah can't help but chuckle and taunt you here. "My love, you really ought to know better than to try and test me like this, have you really learned so little about me?"

He would leave it up to you to get up by yourself, heal up, and decide where to go from here. After all, if there's anything Kamski finds more interesting than how you react to stimulus, it's watching how you'll decide to counter this and grow. It's all so fascinating, and he can't wait to watch more from you in the future.

Chloe

To be completely honest, it's tough for Chloe to even understand how she managed to get in this position in the first place; however, but she knows this is all just a big mistake. Just some freak accident, and the sooner you can understand that as well the better.

Even though she wants to make sure you aren't hurt too badly, the shock of realizing she's why you're in so much pain has Chloe immobile with fear, and she's paralyzed with shock for a few moments.

Entirely beside herself, Chloe is all but bawling her eyes out at she's hugging you as tight as she can, exclaiming again and again how sorry she is. As well she begs you for forgiveness chillingly, also asking you never to make her have to do something like that again... Because she can and will at the end of the day do this if it means keeping you by her side forever.

Gavin

Despite his initial shock over the whole ordeal, Gavin may have a rough temperament. Still, he really didn't mean to do this and is just as surprised as you at the fallout. He would be sure to try and hide his alarm and would try to use his own anger to cover what he's done.

Completely out of his element here when it comes to assessing your injuries even though there's a chance you're concussed, he will drag you back to the house to check your injuries.

Even though he wouldn't say sorry to your face or anything like that, you can tell that deep down, he wishes it didn't have to be this way, and he might even try harder to be more careful in the future.

Zlatko

"You're going to have to be smarter than that if you want to escape me, my sweet." Yeah, don't tell me you thought Zlatko would feel sorry or apologize to you after what he's done. Unfortunately, that's not precisely Zlatko's style. He never used pet names with you and only would really break them out if he was trying to scare you or get under your skin. And now that you're lying helplessly At his feet, your mind can't help but race as you tremble thinking of all the possible ways this man could hurt you punish you for running.

In his mind, this is nothing short of a valuable learning opportunity for you, after all, what fun would you be to keep around if you are a dull, predictable pet. Zlatko has androids he can use, which were programmed to do that for him. What he wants from you is something more interesting.

Ralph

Since the shock of everything caused the wind to knock from your lungs and you to see stars for a moment, you're actually unable to move. In that time, Ralph's is horrified, wondering if he's actually accidentally killed you.

Ralph would never be able to forgive himself if this were to actually happen, so without missing a beat, he's hands and knees over you begging to wake up and answer him.

Eventually, when you do come to your senses, and you're afraid of him on a whole new level, unsure if you'll ever be able to predict his next mood swing.

Daniel

Oh boy, the unfortunate overwhelmed android. He thought things were going wrong when you tried to leave, but now that he's done this to you, things are looking all the bleaker for the two of you.

Before now, Daniel felt scared and full of awful impulses, but he knew he could count on you to help him calm down in times of anxiety and not do something stupid. But now that you were the one responsible for these feelings. How could he ever hope to keep his emotions under control? It was a lost battle, to say the least.

A part of him couldn't help but feel genuinely angry with you, though. After all, you knew better than anyone how Daniel had such awful memories of being replaced and abandoned. However, still, you did this to him.

Nines

A far cry from the more smothering types of yanderes Nines isn't afraid to show you who's really in charge here; however, just because he's hard on you doesn't mean he's doing this because he wants to see you suffer. Nines might say he's testing you like this as a way to make you stronger like he's helping you here.

Nines wasn't surprised to see he was physically strong enough to do something like this to you. What did alarm him is how he struck out and hurt you at all, considering how he usually has much better control over himself and isn't so prone to outbursts like this.

Nines realizes fairly quickly the notion of you walking out on him or by extension, ever losing you in general causes him great fear and weakness. Something he doesn't want you to see. Nines wouldn't apologize or express how he hates to see you in pain; instead, he would warn you not to test him again and to leave you alone for the rest of the night.