#since shes the one writing the paper shes like. desparate for a good story

[the-meme-monarch]

call me a ps2 original the way i be chu lip

second one is a reference to wrtv’s playthrough ! part one but i don’t have a time stamp

last one is an oc heres the original post of her

[softxsuki]

Hello! I saw your 1000 follower match up event and I wanted to participate lol. I hope you have a great day, and your friends and family is doing well❣️

I was going to go on annon but then decided that there's nothing embarassing about this, so... yea :D I'll begin then.

1- Gendered pronouns dont really exist in where I live but I'd say it's she-her.

2 - The fandoms I really like are Tears of Themis and Obey Me!.

3 - I'm fine with both Female and Male <3

4 - I like romantic match-ups more.

5 - I'm an INTP-T

6 - I'm a december sagittarius.

7 - Personally I value humour, realism and honesty. I cannot tolerate bullshit where it's a game of cat and mouse, or if they treat me as a disposable object just to make me "jealous". I feel sick to my stomach when I see that. It's fun when you're friends since nothing is ever seriousin a friendship, but a relationship or a flirt has to be kept to a proper level with set boundaries. I can't do casual relationships, though ironically, I'm very afraid of commitment...

8 - Hm, I don't really have a type. Just tall men and women in general, I like it when they hover over me. I also love pathetic men and women lol (not in a literal sense, more like a comical sense. Someone who gets crinkled up like a tissue paper whenever they are in an unfamiliar situation or something like that)

9 - I'm laid back. I dont really show that I care about things until it gets late and I start thinking about it on my bed. I get emotional easily, especially anger is one of the easiest emotions to show for me. People say that I'm hard to read me and call me weird. Also if I really like something, I want all variations of it. Like a specific clothing piece, a particular brand of sketch books, etc. I value money a lot too. Though I can't do math at all.

10 - I love drawing, anime-style games, listening to different types of music and writing. I also knit sometimes.

11- I'm still a student, getting ready for an important exam soon lol. I have a cat, and I feed and pet countless others outside. I love aquariums, though I can't visit them because they are so far away. I despise alcohol because it stinks. I hate cigarettes too. I'm really good at hiding my irritation towards a person when they are present. I like gossiping a lot, though I never call people names if they haven't hurt me or my friends. I also like drawing a lot, and making up stories. I also tend to daydream a lot. And I can't live without the brief moments of time where i just sit down in front of my computer to watch movies after a long day.

12 - I love scenerios where I'm the one that does the comforting. I'm awkward around people who are upset. So being able to take care of someone when they are down is something I desparately want to do, yet I find myself at a loss of what to do. I love scenerios where I see my favorite character get snapped in two like a glowstick, yknow. If that isnt clear enough, I want to see heavy angst with this character. Could be anything. Death (could be the reader/character/anyone thats involved in the character's life), being wronged and extremely frustrated because of it, having their life-long ambitions fail, things like that.

1000 Follower Event Matchup #6

My event is now CLOSED, but I will be doing more events like these in the future. You can checkout the masterlist for this event here.

Note: Hello! Welcome to my blog :D, I'm glad you found me. I'm just noticing your Artem PFP now and (spoiler) I'm a little sad that I didn't pair you with him, I felt like he could be a little too serious at times, and that wouldn't be too compatible based on what you asked for. SO I'M SORRY. I HOPE YOU STILL ENJOY THIS MATCHUP :( <3. I think both of these guys will compliment you very well based on how you described yourself along with the more technical aspects like mbti and zodiac sign (though I never base my matchups solely on those bc they aren't always 100% accurate, they just give me a starting point). Anyway I hope you enjoy!

I match you with LUKE PEARCE and SIMEON

Runner-ups were Vyn and Mammon (didn’t choose them though, because I think even though they’re both loyal to no end, they wouldn’t be 100% clear about their feelings for you)

Luke:

Technical: Your INFP and ISFJ connection is pretty great. You both communicate perfectly together and get along well. There’s never any miscommunication with you both. You each bring out a part of each other that you couldn’t without each other, and you work well as a team in lifting each other up. However, you could easily tire each other out with high highs and low lows, so make sure you take reasonable breaks from each other. Once you lay out your differences and accept them, your relationship will go a lot smoother from there. As for you both being Saggitarius’ get ready for a life of adventure together. You will both want to travel the world and see and experience as much as possible together. And while being too invested in only having fun and not being more realistic, I think you both have qualities that level you down so you don’t get too carried away, which could bring problems in the relationship. But you both would balance fun and seriousness well. 

Personable: Luke is your perfect boy next door. He has all the qualities you’d ever want in a partner. He’s intelligent, adventurous, caring, loyal, honest, yet still humorous and he can be a realist I think. He would make you feel very secure in your relationship with him. You know he’ll never have eyes for anyone else and he buys you flowers and tells you how much he missed you when he comes back from work along with a hug and kiss. He makes it a habit to always greet you before leaving for work and when he comes back home. (if you live separately, then he calls or texts you every morning before work and does the same or tries to see you after he closes his shop for the day).

Luke would NEVER try and make you feel jealous. Even in the beginning before he knew you had feelings for him, he’d never try and get those feelings out by trying to make you feel jealous. He wouldn't want to hurt you if you did happen to have feelings for him. I’m not sure how tall you are, but Luke is pretty tall at 5’11 (180cm) so I think that’s a great height. MMM I think Luke also meets your ‘pathetic man’ requirement in that he’s a little awkward at the beginning of your relationship. So things like holding hands and kissing are still new to him and he’s never been in a real relationship before so he does get a little FNJEAFEA when thing like that happen in the beginning. But I think he’d always be partly a little blushy and shy around you even when he is 100% comfortable around you because he still can’t believe he’s with you!

I know Luke has a bad habit of lying to try to keep you safe, so he tries to show you his best self at all times and keeps you away from the dangerous part of his work, but he does this because he cares about you. I truly believe that over time in a romantic relationship with you, he’d learn to let you in more and let you see even the ugly parts of himself. So please be patient with him and speak your mind about how him hiding stuff makes you feel! That’ll encourage him to open up a little more, but be a little patient with him :3

He’s super supportive in terms of your studies and offers to help as much as he can if you need it! He’s very patient, but I don’t think he’d ever make you upset or anything serious like that. He respects any boundaries you put up and you'll have no issues with smoke or alcohol with him. He won’t drink or smoke, especially if you don’t like it, but I’m sure he doesn’t do those things anyway. You love aquariums? Well, Luke will definitely take you on many dates to one, even if it’s super far, you guys will make it into a day trip. As for your cat, he’ll love that cat as much as you do. Don’t be surprised if your cat goes to him for pets and cuddles first NFJEAFJKI. Overall, I think this relationship would blossom into something really healthy and beautiful. Just give it some time!

Comforting Luke After Someone Close to Him Passes Away

Warning: don’t read if you don’t like mentions of people passing away

I really think Luke is the type to not want to burden the people in his life with his emotions, so he tries to bottle his feelings up or isolate himself

So when he finds out that one of his older, loyal customers passes away before he gets a chance to see the antique Luke had repaired for him, Luke kinda shuts down

He closes the shop for a few weeks and tells his detective agency that he can’t go on any missions for a while. He’s just moping in bed and hasn’t called you very often

SO of course, you know something is up and so you let yourself into his apartment after walking through the store that was already starting to collect dust from being closed for a while

You open his apartment door with the spare key he made for you and see the mess inside his apartment as well

It’s dark and dusty, as if no one has been living in there for a while

You make your way to Luke’s bed, which he is lying in, and he doesn’t even flinch as you take a seat on his mattress at the end of his bed and poke him a bit

He knows you’re there, but he doesn't want you to see him in that state, so he stays facing the wall

So you just start talking; Luke had already told you about his customer passing away, but he brushed over the way it had made him feel when he texted you about it

You knew it would affect your soft-hearted boyfriend though, hence why you gave him his space to grieve, but you were now here to shake him out of his sadness before he rotted away

You get up from his bed and start tidying up for him; starting with opening the shades to let in some natural light, you get to dusting and cleaning up so at least Luke can be surrounded by cleanliness which might help him feel better

As you’re cleaning, Luke finally turns over and just watches you do your thing

Just seeing you there in his once dark, lonely apartment makes him feel a little better, but he still stays in bed, unmoving

He just needs times and some more talking from you to get back into his normal groove

Make him some dinner or order take-out, it doesn’t matter, just get this man eating quickly because we all know he probably has only been munching on whatever he could find in his apartment since he can’t cook

Only when he smells the food will he finally get up from his bed and join you at his small dining table, made for two

He becomes a little more verbal, talking about his memories of fixing thing for the old man who he grown fond of, as if he was his own grandfather

He holds your hand across the table the whole time he’s talking

Just let him talk everything out and be there to support him in the way you do best

Eventually he’ll rise from his slump and be back to his usual self, but in the meantime he just needs you to be there for him

Simeon:

Technical: Your INTP and ENFJ pairing with SImeon is interesting because you both don’t fully understand each other, but that seems to be what attracts you both to each other. Your relationship his very romantic and full of surprises (the good kind). Communication is great as well, there may be things you don’t both agree with, but you easily adapt and get used to the way you both think. This leads to expanding your perspectives together. You are a Saggitarius and Simeon is an Aquarius, together you make an ideal pair. His love for humanity and community can be a beautiful contrast to Saggitarius’ who usually seek for truth and knowledge. Together you’re unstoppable and compliment each other beautifully. 

Personable: Again, Simeon is very loyal, of course and super kind. He would never lead you on and makes sure you know how he feels about you all the time. As the extrovert in the relationship, he probably approached you first and stated clearly that he liked you and wanted to be together with you, so nothing will change that. As someone who is very calm, Simeon would be great at keeping your emotions leveled. You’ll never get very angry at him, but if there is ever a moment where you are angry, he’d know how to calm you down quickly without making matters worse. He’s very passionate about his love for you, so he’s super touchy and affectionate with you at all times. However, if this does become overwhelming for you, he has no problem with respecting your boundaries, just let him know.

Simeon is very tall at like 6’3 I think (190.5cm?) so he would definitely loom over you unless you’re taller than that. As a writer, he’d probably come to you with his latest book (uh spoiler if you’re not up to the part where they reveal that Simeon is the author of this series) for TSL. He respects your opinion so he would love to know how you feel about the direction the series is going in. AND he'd love to read any of your own writing as well if you'd like to share it with him. I see him wanting to be tech-y and play video games with you, even though he’s horrible at using technology and can’t text to save his life, but he’ll try for you! 

Loves your cat a lot! Even though he’s not part of the cat squad like Solomon, Satan, or Barbatos, he definitely loves all creatures. Therefore, he would enjoy going to aquariums as well and will travel to the human world so he can go to one with you. He understands you commitment issues and he’s fine with that. He’ll take your relationship as slowly as possible, and if you ever have any insecurities, he wipes those all away with his words and actions of love. He wants you to know that he’ll never make you uncomfortable or betray you. He’s all yours and you’re the only one he’ll ever want. He learns to read your body language so he can become an expert at all things about you, including your ‘hard to read’ demeanor. In no time he’ll be able to tell what you’re thinking by the smallest of actions or words. Most attentive boyfriend ever, 10/10 great relationship full of respect and love.

Comforting Simeon

I think Simeon is more open about his emotions, so when the cafe he tried to open up in the human world wasn’t going so well, he went straight to you about it

After all, he respects you so much and he’ll take any advice you give him to heart

He’s very broken, since he wanted to make a life for himself in the human world so he could be around you more often, but things were not going as planned

He wasn’t getting any customers, and in no time he’d have to close his business (ofc he’s against using any angel charm to try and get new customers. He wants an honest business, as an honest man)

I can’t imagine him being sad for long though, he’s very positive and happy all of the time, and deals with issues like these fairly well because he can see the bright side of things

So there isn’t much comforting you need to do

All he needs to know is that you believe in him and know that his business will be a success one day

And boom, he’s feeling more hopeful already

He probably invites you over to his cafe and asks for your help in decorating or any other ideas that you think might help him gain business

The only time I see him ever really going full dark angel mode is if anyone ever hurt you or if you passed away

I don’t know how he would react, but I know it wouldn’t be so easy to resolve as his cafe issues

EVENT REQUESTS ARE CLOSED

REGULAR REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Posted: 9/25/2022

[iwhishtomeetinournextlife]

An anonymous lover (part 4)

Summary : Y/N sees Sirius Black running away after a particularly rough letter from his mother. She wants to cheer him up and decide to send him a letter, anymously, she knows how much he hates her house.

Warnings : Slytherin!Reader, female!reader, not proof read

Word count : 2.6k

English is not my first language, sorry if there is any mistakes

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - You're here - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

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Sirius was slowly starting to desparate, it has been now almost three weeks seen he received the letter from that mysterious person and he had no idea who it could be. He and the marauders –with the help of Lily- had search for them among Evans’ friends, but none of them matched the headwriting or even admiting being the writer of the letter.

He is not that surprise, after all it was said in the letter that they didn’t know each other that well, and most of Lily’s friends were people he knew himself and was close to, but it was worth the shot he told himself.

He was in potion, lost in his own mind,  he didn’t hear someone calling next to him and he snapped out of his mind, “You said something ?” It was Y/N, his potion partner, despite being a slytherin, she was always nice, a bit discreet in class, even if he heard a story or two from Lily of little mischiefs she has done, the more time they spend together, the more he was surprised she was a slytherin.

“I was asking you to give me the mandrake leaves”, Sirius looked on his left were the leaves were, he then looked at the cauldron on the table, it had a greenish color with some pinkish sturls, bubbling heavely. He wasn’t paying attention at the beginning of the class so he had no idea on what that was, so he decide to just hand over the madrake leaves to Y/N.

She ground the ingredient before putting it in the cauldron who turned completly pink. She then looked at Sirius, “Are ok ? Y' look a bit.. Off"

Sirius straighten his back on his stool, trying to look more composed but he sighed, “Yeah yeah ‘t‘s just...”, he hesitated a bit, should he talk to her about it ? But she looked so concerned. “It’s just there is that person who gave me a letter a few weeks ago and I don’t know who it is. I’d like to meet them” He was playing with the little kiss card, he had since forgotten the feeling and the paper was slowly tearing up by being touch all the time.

Y/N simply smiled at him, “Yeah, I heard about it. Who knows, if you’re lucky maybe they heard about it too and will come to you ? Or send another letter ?”

Sirius just nob a little, he hoped she was right and that wasn’t just a one time thing. He decided to pay more attention for the rest of the class.

After the lesson of this morning, he went to the Great Hall with the marauders to eat, his stomach was rumbling louder than Peter’s snorring at night. At the table he thought about what Y/N had said, apparently some people had heard about his desire to find a mysterious lettermaker, maybe indeed they had heard of it and would send another one ? Maybe even directly talked to him ? He tried to not put his hopes too high but he couldn’t resist to look at the owl’s entry and wish to see one arrived for him, he wasn’t a patient person after all.

He tried to pay attention to what James was saying, something about the perfect plan to ask Lily on a date. “She will say yes !” the boy was confident.

“Of course, like the 437 other times” mocked Remus, his friend open his mouth agape, absolutly scandilise, “Don’t be a party pooper Moony ! Friends are s’pose to support each other !”, Sirius was about to retort something but his head snapped at the sound of wings flapping around, making his friends laugh. “You think you will have another letter ?” asked Peter.

Sirius sighed, “I hope so ! They can’t just send me a wholehearted letter and then send me obsoutely nothing ever again !”, he waited a bit and his eye widen when an owl landed in front of him with a letter decorated with stars in the beak, he was completly overjoyed. “NO WAY !!”, he screamed a bit, making heads turned to him, includind Y/N’s, who observed him from afar.

Sirius looked at the enveloppe, it had a new constellation draw on it, and didn’t wait to open the letter, completly ignoring the owl who was waiting for his reward, it’s Remus who ended up feeding the animal who then flew away, the marauders all looked at Sirius, waiting for a reaction, who just had the biggest grin on his face.

It was written in a beautiful emerauld green this time, with forget me not flowers as well as lilac, it smelled beautifully good and was quite soothing.

“Dear Sirius,

I heard you were looking for me ? I must admit that I’m flattered and happy you liked the first one so much, it warm my heart to know it had the reaction intended.

Looking at you from far away searching for me at the wrong place is very entertainning, that’s why I’m going to let you keep looking for me a moment”

Sirius open his mouth in shock. “What, what are they saying ?” James leaned accross the table, trying to see. “They wants to play a little, apperently it makes them laugh to see me struggle finding them”;

James laugh, “She seems fun !”, “Or he” told Sirius.

“FINE ! Wanna bet ? 5 gallons it’s a girl !”. Sirius stopped to think for a moment, he didn’t care of the gender of the person but he really wanted to bet with James, they did that often and it wasn’t a big deal in the end. “That’s a deal then, Prongs”. Sirius then went back to the letter.

“But since I am not a complete monster, I am going to give you a hint : I am not a gryffindor. And because I will dare to say I am quite generous, I am going to let you write to me too if you desire to do so. You may have noticed with the kiss from last time –that a hope you liked- I like inventing a few things, in the enveloppe you will find pieces of paper to stick to you letters, the charm of the paper will transcribe you’re message onto a parchment that I possess. I could tell you all the magic behind it but I will keep it for another if that interest you.

Game on Sirius Black ! 3 gallons you can’t find me before at least two months.

P.S : The pieces of paper are a new creation so it might malfunction, I will send you an update in ten days if I have no news from you, or you could always scream in the Great Hall if you want me to send something sooner”

Sirius looked in the void for a few second, ok, that was a lot of information to take at once, he let James took the letter so he could read it. He looked in the enveloppe and there were indeed five pieces of paper, he guessed it was singled used. He looked some more and was incredibly disappointed to not find any kiss in it. He had really hoped he could feel it again. Well, from them, when Sirius better explain to James what was the kiss he had felt, he put into an habit to kissed his friend good night to tease him, always getting a smack from Sirius in return.

“Wow, they seemed brillant” said Remus who had now th letter in hand before giving it back to Sirius. "Must be a ravenclaw” remarked Peter, that’s where they will be looking next. But for now, he couldn’t wait to write to them, the first thing he will do once back in the dorm.

---------------------------------------------

And that’s what he did right away once the day ended, he thanked them for the letter, telling them how much it had helped him to feel better and how grateful he was for all the nice things they had said. Of course he took the challenge, he never back away from an opportunity to win, especially one such as this one, he had flirted a bet a date at Hogsmeade he will find them before those two months. He ended the letter by demending more kisses to use, obviously.

Once he was satisfied with it, he decided to try out the piece of paper to transfer the message. At first nothing happened, he was a bit scared the thing wouldn’t work, but when he was about to voice his worries, the lines started to shine of golden glow before slowly disappearing. Wow, they are brillant.

--------------------------------------------

Sirius was more than happy to received a letter the next day, the paper had perfectly worked out ! That letter was way more casual, with less decoration, talking about the few past weeks with an added candy, their favourite one they said, Sirius made sure to note that somewhere in his mind as he was eating it, sour, just like he liked them.

He also was delighted to see they had added kisses with that letter, two, with three used each that made six in total, he used one right away, he had missed the feeling too much. He had to slap away James who wanted to try it out too, to see what was so great about them.

“C’mon Pads, you said it could be reused !” had he complain. “And it’s not like you’ll run out, now you can have more whenever !”, Sirius just threw bread at him, “Don’t you fucking dare Prongs, I wil envoy each one of them !”.

Him and the rest of the marauders have given up on searching on their own who the person was after a few days, they used energy for not much and apparently the anonymous person envoyed sending them in the wrong direction, Sirius having some akward conversation with people he barely knew to know if they were or not the person he was looking for. He decided rather to focus on the letters.

-------------------------------------------

And that’s how Sirius and the anonymous penpal fell into a routine, he will write in the evening and have an answer the next day at lunch, writing to each other almost everyday. He smiled at the evolution of the letters, it became more natural, the penpal slowly loosen up the handwriting to a point were it would be impossible for someone who didn’t lived “the downfall to incomprehension” as he tease them about, but he loved that, it fell special to him to be able to read them so well when other struggled.

The marauders had read the letters occasionally when the penpal was giving hint of who they were, which was a rare occurrence, bu they had given up days ago. James had froaned at the letter, he thought he had seen it before but he couldn’t recall where, he simply pushed that idea in the back of his head.

He groaned a bit when they turned out to be a she, handing five gallons to James who simply sang “I told you so” over and over again. At that Sirius simply rolled his eyes and went back to the letter.

They were always written in colored ink, with always at least one doodle, often of flowers, especially roses, she apperently loved them very much. He keep that in mind among the other little details about her and the gifts he could bring her once they met. He also were given more kisses, some on the cheeks, or the hand, whether on the knuckles, fingers, the palm, he loved it all. He received one on his jaw that he absolutly loved, but he has teased her about it and so as a punishment he never received more of these.

Truth be told, Y/N was simply completly embarassed of what she has done, she send this one a day were she felt particulary bold and regretted it the very next day at Sirius’ teasing.

He also received some hugs. Boy did he loved those, they never lasted long enough for him. He finded them so comforting, and by the repetition of them, he could tell she was smaller than him and that had him completly melted. And he swore he almost passed out the day she sended her voice.

It wasn’t much, just “Have a nice day, Sirius !”, but he listened to it every single day, delighted when he was told it was unlimited. Y/N had took a big risk that time, but she really wanted to send him just that special one, he often told her how much it made him a bit sad that the hugs and kisses were so limited, so she sent that one line, modifiying her voice just enough to be a bit out of her ordinary one.

She wasn’t as scared as before to meet Sirius, after so many days speaking to each other, she would dare to say they were close, both had confessed in their letter deep secrets and insecurities, and they trusted each other enough to be vunerable with one another, she almost asked him to meet in the astronomy tower.

But a few things were preventing her to do so ; the bet, she was a slytherin after all and wasn’t going to lose to a gryffindor; her insecurity, despite feeling better than before, a big parts of her still was terrified to the idea of meeting him as the person he has been writing to for weeks, she didn’t know how she would react; and finally, she has heard Sirius badly talked about slytherin a few times, and she didn’t want to ruin everything because of who she was, she was proud to be a slytherin despite the surprise of many people to discover which house she was in, but depise that she had let her feelings for Sirius get in the way and now very selfishly didn’t want to let that go.

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The two months were soon over, and Sirius still didn’t know who his penpal was, he wanted to win the bet but didn’t know how to at this point, with the tests and essays they recently had, he didn’t took the time to search for her. He was planning on asking her in his next letter if she will revealed herself by the end of the bet, hoping with all his being for her to say yes.

He was now in potion, sitting next to Y/N, both were silently taking notes, as for once, Sirius decided to stay quiet the whole time, he had a bit of struggle with this potion and he needed to focus, not used to have difficulties in class.

Y/N saw his struggle and decided to talk to him. “Do you need help with that potion, Black ?”

The boy looked at her for a few second and sighed, “Yeah, that one’s a bitch, can I burrow your notes ?”

Y/N hesitated a bit, not knowing if she should, she knew he could read her handwriting but didn’t know if he would put two and two together. She decided to hand them to him, after all she proposed her help and it would impolite to stop now, and she told herself he will probably not recognise it, some handwriting could look alike without being from the same person.

Sirius gave her a greatful smile, “Thanks Y/L/N”, she gave back a smile “No problem”, she put the rest of her stuff away and spoke without thinking, “Have a nice day Sirius !” and she got out.

Sirius immidiatly froze, was that ..?

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Taglist : @blackpinkdolan  @jentaculargums @bruxa0007 @deathkat657 @theincredibledeadlyviper

[dragobsessedandposessed]

Lets talk about growth.

August 2016. I’m starting my sophomore year in undergrad. Last semester, I had my revelation and dove into the two Earth Sciences intro courses. I’m starting my first advanced core course in the curriculum. Geochemistry. It’s a 300 level.

I walk in the room, early as always, for the first day of class. New faces stream in. Nobody sits next to me. I sat in the first table in front of the door. Two minutes before class starts a senior rushes in and slides into the seat next to me and warmly introduces herself. Sophia.

The first Wednesday lab there are trays of six rocks and ten minerals, unlabeled. Half the class has taken min/pet (the class about rocks and minerals). Half the class has not. We are told we need to get reasonably familiar with these specimens so we can have context for the geochemistry course content. We get a mini lecture on rock and mineral ID. We do a lab. Sophia can pick everything up and just say “sodium rich plag(ioclase)”. I am completely lost. She tries to walk me through but I don’t get it. I can’t see it. What’s cleavage? Is this greasy or vitreous lustre? Did this streak or not?

I am frustrated. We are told we have a quiz on Friday. I email the prof and ask if she can meet in private. She emails the class and invites anybody. Six people show up. She stays with me and one other girl until 5:30. I’m still struggling but I’ve come up with little cheat cheats for remembering the obvious ones.

I am frustrated and it is obvious. Misty eyes and everything. My professor sits down next to me and says “I know it feels kinda like drinking out of a firehose right now. It’s a lot of information to throw at you. The only reason I can do this is because I’ve spent years locked in a basement with these guys. It takes time. And practice. Hah! And I’m not giving you those!”

She was trying to make me feel better. But I was mortified that I had let a professor see me so frustrated and teary eyed. I thought she thought I was a child. But really, I was frustrated with not knowing how to handle struggling in school. It never happened before. My grades were inconsistent on the first couple labs. My exam grades fine. But it was the hardest class I ever had taken. And it was enthralling. Every day at lunch I’d say to my friends “my brain explodes out of my head like twenty times a class!” I was desparate to learn. I put in the work. I read the textbook paragraph by paragraph, trying to absorb. I watched youtube videos to help me.

Our final project was a mercury research project of our own design. Soph was my partner. And now one of my best friends. She introduced me to the other students in the department, who are all awesome, and things get warmer. I have this idea to study soils at a site related to my job. The prof is completely into it and thinks it’s really exciting. And she knows it’s really my project, even if Soph is my partner. I still think she thinks I’m a failure.

She is so enthusiastic about this dang project. Keeps dropping hints “you know if you wanted to continue this project I’d support you. I mean you already know how to use the instrument and I could get you keys to the lab from Deb.” “This could really be a thesis.” She and I talk about my job. She has this idea about strontium isotopes and we talk about it on a couple occasions. She says that if we did it, she’d take me with her to the lab where she does all her research. Fly out to Arizona in the summer. Between these conversations I got questions wrong on assignments and labs and exams. I said inelegant things. I thought she thought I was stupid.

I convinced myself. In spite of all evidence. That I was stupid and doing everything wrong. But I simultaneously became so sure that this was everything I wanted to do with my life. I have a post saved in my drafts from that semester. It says “I know what I want to do in my life. Geochemistry. Specifically isotope geochemistry. I love it and it’s all I want to do”. But I thought I wasn’t good enough while so desparate to be.

And it was all lies. I was lying to myself. I was too hard on myself.

It’s the first day of 2019. That august when I was almost crying over a box of rocks is two and a half years behind me. What’s happened since then?

The very next semester that professor called me into her office. She told me I was on the top of her list to join a project the Smithsonian contacted her about. I dove in. She flew me to Arizona and I did that lab work. I took that project to two professional conferences. At the first, I gave a poster. At the second, I had a 15 minute talk in the middle of a 4 hour session with 20 minutes for cumulative questions at the end. Every. Question. Was for me. I am first author on a peer reviewed scientific paper on that project.

She was thrilled to be my thesis advisor on a completely different project starting one year later. More isotope geochemistry. I flew to Arizona for a second time. That project had so many ups and downs. So many successes and failures. But it never got me down, truly. It was hard, but I never doubted that I could make it work through the frustrations and confusions. I’m getting honors on my senior research thesis. The department gave me not one but two awards for my research. I wrote and got fully funded three grants for that project.

I had the guts to apply for a research expedition to the remote arcitc. I got accepted. I went. It was hard. But incredible. Stunning. I presented that at a conference too. I’m writing my second peer reviewed publication now. I haven’t graduated from my undergrad.

Every single one of my professors individually approached me and told me I should be applying to a hyper-competitive national fellowship because they think I stand a real chance. I submitted my application in October. Fingers crossed till April!

I also took the rocks and minerals class. I was the teaching assistant for Geochemistry this past semester. The first time it’s been offered since I took it. The professor and I walked among the tables as students were struggling through their packets. I sat down with people and guided their eyes until they saw it. I shared my story with them. It resonated.

I’ve had a career/course request/grad school chat with probably every single junior and sophomore in the department because they come to me for advice. They recognize me as someone relatable but successful. That means everything to me.

And guess what? Here I am, applying to graduate school. In what? Isotope geochemistry. I was right, two and a half years ago, about one thing. Not that I was stupid or unworthy or incapable. Certainly not that my professor hated me. She’s said multiple times that she hates sitting through graduation but isn’t going to make any excuses this year because she needs to cry as I walk across the stage. I was right that isotope geochemistry is gonna be my life. I’ve already made it my life for two whole years. Every professor I’ve interviewed with has told me know impressive my research experience is. They wonder why I’m doing an M.S. and not a PhD. I emailed one the other day telling her I don’t plan on applying to her program because she can’t offer me an M.S., and she wished me the best and told me to get back in touch if I want a PhD after my M.S.

And guess what? I can look at myself in the mirror and say “you are amazing. Look what you’ve accomplished. I am proud of you and all that you’ve done. You are driven and strong and smart and take advantage of every last opportunity. You are deserving of everything you’ve achieved. You are loved, respected, and appreciated. Never doubt yourself. You’ve proved yourself.” And that is so so sweet. I’m still hard on myself, but it’s because I know I’m so capable. And it doesn’t get me down, it moves me forward. And it doesn’t stop me from acknowledging my accomplishments. That was my pitfall two and a half years ago.

So for 2019, I want a continuance. I will continue to be staunch and self-assured, even in the face of rejection. I will make the best decisions for myself because I wholly deserve it. I will be kind to myself. I have lots of great adventures in store. Lots to look forward to. So much potential. I speak this into existence in 2019. And I will practice it.