#so I guess the flat/small chested girlies can have some confidence too

[cecilsrandomeverything]

John Doe makes me feel less self-conscious. Crooked/odd teeth? Prominent/sharp nose? Frizzy hair? Noticeable chest (sometimes)? He has them, and so do I! I know she’s a Regular Guy and therefore supposed to be uncanny and weird looking, but having the same physical traits as me gives me the happy chemicals 🫶

[kloolass-larspawn]

Lattice Stemly’s Story 5/5

Chapter 5: Home

    You feel something on your shoulder gently shaking you and you wake up.  You see Klaymen standing next to you, smiling.

    “Good morning, seedling!” he says quietly.  He kisses your brow and helps you stand up.  “Did you have a good sleep?” You shrug and hug the blanket a little more.  He hugs you and pats your head. “I guess the blanket helped out a bit, huh Lattice?” Lattice? Why did he call you Lattice? You look at him confused and his expression changes to shock.  

    “Oops!” He lets go of you and covers his mouth.  “Sorry La- er... s-seedling! I was talking with Hoborg earlier and called you that while we were discussing names.  I should've waited until you're better at talking.”

    Names? He did talk about it when you first emerged, but you didn't think about it once in the time you've been alive.  Lattice... that's a nice name, but you don't want Klaymen to bad about naming you. Maybe you can add another part to it? Yeah! You can have a second name like Willie Trombone! You sound out “Lattice” over and over, all while thinking of a second part to your name.  You look at your stems (which are still there, thank goodness!) and figure you can come up with something temporary.  It's a second name, it's not as important as the main one.  You start sounding out your new name.

    “Lat...t...tice.........Stem.........ly.” you say.  Klaymen looks at you confused.

    “You want your name to be 'Stemly'?” he asks.  You shake your head and try again.

    “L-Lattice.....Stemly.” you say again.  You're surprised that you said it as well as you did.  Klaymen's eyes widen as he begins to understand.

    “You want your name to be 'Lattice Stemly'?” he asks again.  You nod.  You feel confidant about talking now, so you decide to introduce yourself.

    “M......my..........n-n-name.........is.........La...Lattice...Stemly.” you say, then start laughing in surprise.  Klaymen gasps, then starts smiling the biggest smile you've ever seen.  He then gives you a hug so strong that he lifts you off your legs and swings you back and forth; you're both laughing uncontrollably.

    “Your first sentence!” he cheers, his voice is quivering as if he's about to cry.  He sets you back on the ground.  “Oh, Lattice! I'm so proud of you! This is wonderful!” Klaymen starts weeping and laughing at the same time and you help wipe away his tears with your blanket.  You kind of feel like crying too, even though you're incredibly happy.  You're actually talking! Okay, it's just a sentence, but it's a start!

    You see Willie and Hoborg enter the room as Klaymen stops crying.

    “Good morning, you two!” Hoborg greets with a chuckle.  “And how are you today?”

    “Amazingly!” Klaymen exclaimed.  He pats your shoulder.  “You want to show him?” You nod and turn to Hoborg.

    “M-my naaame... is... Lattice Stemly!” Hoborg claps and gives you a hug, and Willie hoots and hollars in excitement, jumping up and down and almost dropping a basket that he's carrying.

    “Well done, little one!” Hoborg laughs and pats your head.

    “GIRLIE TALKIE!” Willie yells.  Hoborg lets go of you and Willie rushes over to hug you as well.  “Me knew you could do it!” His excitement almost crushes you and you struggle to breath.  Hoborg tells Willie to loosen his grip on you and he lets go with a chuckle. “Sorry!” Once you can breath again, you smile and nod to him.

    “What've you got there, Willie?” Klaymen asks, pointing to the basket.

    “Ooo! Me found nifty flowers!” he answered, bringing the basket to his other hand.  “Willie think girlie like them.” He holds the basket out to you and you hop a little, clapping your hands.  A present! Or at least a new thing, and Willie thinks you'll like it. You open the lid of the basket, and what you see inside fills you with so much dread that you feel cold.

    You jump back and almost hit Klaymen; the lid falls and closes the basket.  It can't be!? They're REAL!? Those horrific, disfigured and disgusting mangled faces are real! Willie looks at you in confusion and takes one of them out.  

    “It nifty flower, right?” he says, holding the thing closer to you.  You back up as much as you can to the wall behind you.  Willie moves closer with the mangled face and you drop to the floor shaking. You pull the blanket over your head and scream, you CAN'T let that thing near you again!

    You don't really know what happened after that.  You know that you're still screaming and crying and shaking uncontrollably, but that's about it.  You don't know how long you're like this, it's hard to tell under the blanket.  You do eventually stop, but you feel exhausted.  Your throat is sore, your eyes are burning, your head is spinning, and your face is a combination of wet and tight because of your tears.

    Klaymen carefully pulls back the part of your blanket that's on your head and pets your face.  You're in Hoborg's arms this time, and Willie no longer has the basket of mangled faces; he's holding out a glass of water to you instead.  Hoborg takes the glass from Willie and thanks him before bringing it closer to you.

    “Here, little one.  Drink.  It'll help your throat a little.” You're still a bit shaky, but you manage to take the glass of water and sip from it.  Your throat gets soothed and you manage to take some deep and slow breaths to calm down.  Klaymen turns to Willie.

    “I know you meant well, Willie,” he starts, “but I don't think bringing in something as weird as a basket of roses was the best idea.”

    “Yeah, me see.”  Willie said, quietly and sadly.  You finish your water and he holds his hands out to take the glass back.  “Sorry, Lattice.  Me no mean scare you.” This is the first time you've seen Willie this sad.  It's the first time you've seen anyone this sad, but you didn't expect the loud and excited Willie Trombone to be as quiet as Klaymen.  You start to cry again, you don't mean to scare everyone because you're scared.

    “I'm...sor...sorry.” you say, whimpering.  Willie and Klaymen look with sadness and confusion.

    “What for?” Klaymen asks, patting your head.  “You can't always help what you're scared of.”

    “Yeah, you no do anything wrong.” Willie coos.  Hoborg holds you close and pets your shoulders.

    “You're going to be okay, Lattice.” Hoborg says, his deep voice helping to calm your thoughts.

    You close your eyes and rest your head on Hoborg's chest; his heartbeat is louder than Klaymen's! Granted, from everything you heard yesterday, it's not too surprising.  There is a long moment of silence, and you continue to concentrate on Hoborg's heartbeat and your breathing.  Again, you don't know how long you've been like this, but apparently long enough for others to think that you've fallen asleep.  You hear Klaymen shuffle a little.

    “Maybe we should wait a little before showing her the rest of the Neverhood.” he whispers.  You don't know who he's talking to, but before you can stop yourself...

    “N-no!” you blurt out, opening your eyes.  You surprise everyone and you try to continue.  “I......I w-w........wa.....n...t......to......s-see.......the...the......N-N-Nev..........Never.....hood!” There is another moment of silence.

    “Shall we go and see it, then?” Hoborg asks.  You look to him and nod and he lets you go.  You both stand up with Klaymen and Willie's help.

    “You sure you're ready? Are you going to be okay?” Klaymen asks.  You then look to him and nod, taking the blanket off from your shoulders and hold it out to him.  He gently pushes the blanket back to you. “It's yours now, Lattice.  You don't need to give it back to me.” Klaymen smiles to you and you can't help but smile back.  

    You all then hear a strange sound; a weird moaning 'maaaauuuwwww!' being repeated over and over.  Klaymen's expression changes to surprise and he goes to the doorway.

    “Purpee!?” There is another  'maaaauuuwwww!'.  Willie's eyes widen.

    “Whoops! Me forgot to lock your door.” he says.  Klaymen turns to Willie.

    “You went to my house for water?” he asks.  Willie nods.  “Why didn't you go for the fountain?” Willie goes cross-eyed as he tries to think of his reasoning, all while Purpee continues moaning.

    “Why don't you two go ahead and meet up with Purpee?” Hoborg asks.  “We'll be right behind you.” Willie and Klaymen nod before leaving the room.  You hear Purpee's moaning turn into happy squeaking and Klaymen and Willie laughing.  You start making your way to the doorway and trip on your blanket.  Thankfully, Hoborg catches you before you fall flat on your face.

    “Careful, dear!” He helps you steady yourself before trying to move again.  You almost trip on the blanket again and decide to ball it up. Hoborg rubs his 'chin'.  “I have an idea.” he says.  “May I see your blanket please, Lattice?” He holds his hands out to you, and you hesitate before giving him your balled-up blanket.  “Thank you, dear.”

    Hoborg then opens the blanket back to what it was, takes one end and drapes it over your left shoulder.  He then drapes the rest of your blanket over your right shoulder, then wraps it around your waist before tucking it behind your back.

    “There! That's better!” he coos. “This way you'll have your blanket and not trip on it.”  You look down at yourself wearing your blanket now and smile.  This is a very nice look! Hoborg chuckles and holds out his arm for you.  “Shall we?” You look at him and nod, taking his arm, and you both leave the pink room.

    You arrive at the top of a staircase in a light blue room, and you see Willie and Klaymen playing with a small, round animal with a long tail and pointed ears.  You and Hoborg walk down the stairs to the guys and the small animal coos when it sees you arrive on the bottom. Klaymen is giggling and petting the animal.

    “That's Lattice, Purpee.” he says.  “You want to say hi to her?” Purpee walks over to you and sniffs at your leggings and blanket.  She then proceeds to flop onto your legs.  The room laughs. “She likes you.” Klaymen giggles.  He goes over and picks her up, cradling her in his arms.

    “You ready see Neverhood?” Willie asks.  You nod and look to Hoborg.  He lets go of your arm and pats your back.

    “Go ahead.” he says gently.  “It's just beyond that door.” He points ahead and you can see more bright colours.  You walk past the guys and through the door, and immediately you're filled with overwhelming happiness.

    This world is so much more colourful than you realize! The ground is two different bright greens swirled into each other, the canyon walls a warm browny-orange, colourful buildings either moulded into the canyons or built away from them! Then there's the people; not as colourful-looking as the buildings from what you can see, but every one of them exuding an infectious sense of joy and excitement for just simply existing! And this is only a small part of this world!

    This is the Neverhood! It's a paradise! It's perfect! You fall to your knees and begin to weep.  This place is so beautiful that you couldn't help it.  Soon you see Purpee try to get onto your lap and you hear someone run up to you.  You see Klaymen get down on one knee next to you and feel his hand on your back as you let Purpee on your lap.

    “Are you okay?” he asks, voice filled with concern.  You start giggling and pick up Purpee to hug; Purpee purrs on your shoulder. You face Klaymen with a huge smile on your face and say the two words you've wanted to say since you were a life seed.

    “I'm home!”

[loverabbitss]

Hart’s Truck Stop

Y/N P.O.V.

"That's what she said!" Someone said, then him and his friend burst out laughing.

"Hello, how may I help you?" I ask some pretty truck driver.

"Yes, you can give me your number." She answers.

I blush.

"I'm sorry that's not on the menu." I respond.

"Well I got a hook up to the secret menu." She day grasping onto my waist pulling me close to her.

I bite my lip. She's really hot and I'm really horny now. I write down something on a paper towel. Then, she picks up the paper reading it.

"I'll meet you in 5." She winks as she walks out. I smile and go back over behind the counter. I spot Abby and call her over.

"Hey girlie! What's up?" She asks as she comes over.

"I've got a super hot hook up, so I'm going to need for you to cover me." I say as I put my notepad and apron down underneath the counter.

"Go ahead and take your 30, I got cha." She winks then whisks away to take orders.

That girl is just so lovely sometimes. Anyways, I make my way outside to see a ton of semis. This is the disadvantage of working at a one-stop truck stop. Walking around I look into the trucks to see if I can see my blonde mistress anywhere. Then, I see her jamming her head to some music like a rock star with on foot on the platinum sliver truck. I walk up to her smirking.

"Ready to rock my world?" I ask.

"Your so damn cheesy, yet so damn fine. Come to papa." She beckons me over.

I bite my lip as I am enveloped in her arms. Her hands flowing down my back igniting my spine along the way. We both lean and as our lips unite sparks fly around us. Now nothing is stopping us from full on making out in the small restaurant parking lot.

"Mmm as much as I would love to fuck you in the parking lot I think you'd be more comfortable on my bed inside." She says pulling away.

"I agree. I also think you just want me on a flat surface." I say walking up the steps into the spacious truck.

"That too babygirl." She smacks my ass through my skirt as I'm walking up.

I purr lightly. My attention turns to the bed and I immediately lay on my back on it.

Her eyes dilate and turn a shade darker as she stares me down like her prey.

"The moment I saw you in that restaurant I knew I just had to have you" her voice grunted.

She quickly hovered over me and leaned down going straight for me neck creating a numerous amount of hickies that we're going to be a pain in the ass to cover up before going back into work.

I moaned wrapping my legs around her waist my heels going to her back as well as my hands lightly gripping her hair.

"You like that slut, hmm?" She questions.

"Yes, daddy." I moan out.

Her hand trails down to the bottom of my pale green skirt lifting it.

"No underwear? Do you always come to work like this?" She asks.

"I just had a lucky feeling today." I reply.

"Well I guess today is your lucky day. Get up and strip for me baby." She husks.

I do as she asks getting up shimming out my clothes to make a scene for her. When I turn around her shirts up with her voluptuous breasts sitting upon her chest and she's altered her jeans.

"You've got my jr. all excited now." She teases.

"Let me help you with that then." I say. Walking back over to her I push her onto her back. My tongue swirls around her tip making her instantly throw her head back.

Unexpectedly, I take her down my throat, her hands fly up towards my head and her eyes widen.

"Shit!, you've gotta give me a warning babygirl." She moans.

I proceed to bob and twist my head giving her the best head of her life. All could be heard was my slurps, her moans and groans. Her hands were gripping my hair. She begin lifting her hips fucking my face.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! Baby I'm about to cum. You ready to take daddy's cum?" She moans out.

I look her in the eyes winking. This signal gave her all the answer she needed as she released herself into my throat. I swallowed every rope of cum that coated my walls. I pulled away swirling my tongue.

"Damn no I'm too sensitive." She whined. I giggled and got up my juices dripping from my pussy. I sank down on her bull angry cock. My hands reached for her hands gripping them tightly.

"Fuck daddy! Your so big." I moan throwing my head back.

She pulls me back against her front and wastes no time fucking me into oblivion. Her hands release mines and she goes to twist my nipples.

"Your fucking beautiful." She husks into my ear. My pussy clenches around her fast moving cock. Our moans, groans, and skin slapping. Her hands start smacking my breasts and speeding up her thrusts.

"I-I c-close." I moaned loudly.

"Hold it babygirl. Hold it for daddy." She growls against my ear.

I whimper holding this ball of pleasure in my stomach. My hands grip the sheets tightly.

"Let it go daddy's girl." She says after a minute or so. My head goes back, my eyes roll back, and I clench tightly around her.

"Yes yes yes!" I scream out cumming hard around her thick cock. She continued fucking me grunting as she was coming close to her release.

"So good, your pussy is so good." She mumbles into my neck as she cums. Thick rope after rope lined against my walls.

Our breathing heavily matching.

"Your too amazing. I can't let you go. I gotta get your number." She pants in my ear.

I laugh softly. "I've got you addicted, huh?"

I ask smirking.

"Don't get to confident I might just fuck your brains out." She says.

"I've got 10 minutes left and I haven't gotten your name yet." I say.

"Harper, the punk rock chick that has fucked you astonishing." Harper reply.

"Well Harper my name is Y/N, the waitress at Hart's Truck Stop, that will rock your world." I say.

"I hope your only rocking my world." Harper nibbles on my cheek. It's always fun at Hart's Truck Stop.

I'm backkkkkk. Actually I never left I just haven't been posting as much as I was before. Don't forget to vote, comment, share. I love to hear your feedback, bye lovelies.

[writingismyhappytime]

Marry Me (Part 2)

Ricky x Reader 

Warnings: Language 

"So that's the plan? You're just... gonna do it?" You groan as you push yourself out from under the mini van, grease streaking your cheek. Ricky is squatting down beside you, nodding.

The shop is busy, it's a Monday so all the guys are there. It's loud with everyone working on vehicles, but Ricky is trying not to talk loud enough where anyone else can overhear.

"Yep."

"Ricky, that's not romantic at all," you complain, holding a wrench in your hand as you shift. You frown at him, pushing up onto your elbows. "You can't just shove a box in my face in front of everyone and ask. That's lame."

"But I bought the ---."

"I don't want to know!" You hiss, huffing as you finally sit up completely.

Ricky sighs; you're wearing that stained jumpsuit again, skin gleaming with sweat from the horrible heat. He's not sure how you're going to pull off the whole girly-shocked act when he does propose.

"When do you want to do this then?" He asks, sounding irritated as you finally crawl to your feet, setting your silver wrench to the side. You put your hands on your hips, frowning.

"Well, it's going to have to be soon, isn't it? Within the next month?"

"Yeah." He shifts uncomfortably. Can this even happen within a month?

"Huh. Well," you glance around, then gesture for him to follow you into the office, not wanting to be overheard. You still can't believe you agreed to such a thing, but why not? You'll get a pretty wedding you can remember forever, and Ricky gets his daughter; you can always divorce later when you have the money.

You hold the rickety door open for Ricky, then kick it shut, the glass rattling in its pane.

"Okay, so here's the plan," you lean your hip against the cluttered desk, dust collecting on the filing cabinets stuffed in the corners, the black phone held together with purple duct tape. There's ancient calender's on the walls, dating back at least ten years, and the photos on the walls show your grandfather and father opening the shop together, your family through the years. "Who's having that party tomorrow that's going to have everyone there?"

"Uh, Balz. It's a, um, grand opening party for his new store." Ricky shrugs his shoulders. Balz might not be in the band anymore, but that doesn't mean that he's still not one of them. He's  opening a new shop, and he's having a small party to celebrate.

"Okay, so we do it then." Sounds easy enough. Sure, you've never met any of the rest of his band. You've seen pictures of them, and you've met Ryan, because you've been to Ricky's house to help him change his oil, so you're sure this is going to be a shock for them. "Just don't go around telling everyone why we're getting married, alright? If a lot of people know, then they're going to blab, and that'll get us in a load of shit, okay?"

"I know better than that," Ricky grumbles, crossing his tattooed arms over his chest. He looks worried, and you know he's thinking about his daughter; he isn't going to do anything that would make him lose her. "So you want me to propose then?"

"Yep."

"Alright. Do you have a dress or something you can wear? Or... something nice? Balz told us all to dress up because he's going to be taking a lot of photos for his website."

"I own dresses, Ricky," you look at him, miffed. "And yes, I'll even make sure to wash the grease off first."

He flushes. "That's not... exactly what I meant."

Well, you can't really be mad at him for the comment. He's only ever seen you while you're working or getting off, and having black on your hands isn't something you can avoid. You sigh, hoping this isn't going to be a disaster.

"I'll pick you up around six," he says, chewing his lower lip, the buzzing light above glinting off his lip ring. "We'll go, we'll mingle a little bit, let Balz have his moment. Then, when it seems like shit is getting dull or something, I'll propose. Since Balz is taking photos anyway, I'm sure he'll capture the moment and blast Twitter with it."

"Ahuh. You know Claire will immediately start calling the instant she sees it."

"I know." He looks uncomfortable. "But I gotta do this for Chloe."

"Yeah." He doesn't have to make it sound like it's going to be a task. "But hey, you'll totally love being married to me. I make excellent pasta."

He chuckles; you really do. He takes a step to your side, leaning back against the desk, bumping your shoulder with his. You smell like an oil rag, but it doesn't bother him anymore. He's grateful you're doing this for him, putting on this grand charade. It's going to be a task, making everyone believe that you've been having a secret relationship from everyone, and then out of the blue he decides to propose without even warning his family or friends.

"So, when you propose, make sure you do the whole down on one knee thing," you say after a moment, tendrils of your hair framing your face as you lean back on your hands. "Complete with the whole, 'I love you' speel."

"Should I hire an orchestra and everything?"

"If you think it'll make the moment more believable."

He rolls his eyes. "I still don't see why we can't just elope."

"Eloping makes it look suspicious, doesn't it? If we do everything very publicly, it'll look like we have nothing to hide and nothing to dig for. You can move your stuff into the spare room upstairs, I'll get my name changed, and everything will be as official as fuck. After you get Chloe and a couple months down the road, we can get a divorce. Should just be a couple thousand, I guess."

Ricky grimaces. "Maybe more than a few months then."

"Well, alright." You figured he'd want to get a divorce as quickly as possible. "So you propose, I say yes. I'm already looking at venues, and I think I found one already. I don't want to call until you do the thing, though, just in case."

"That's fine. The sooner we get this done, the better."

"Cool. Also, I found a place online that we can order a tux from," you glance him over. "And I'll see about finding a dress. Did you think about your best man and all that? Chloe can be the flower girl if Claire doesn't kill us first."

"Uh, no, I haven't thought about it." Ricky hasn't given any of the wedding much thought, he's been trying to avoid it. He's been busy with worrying over Chloe, his finances, how the guys and his family is going to react to the sudden news of his impending wedding.

Talking about having to clear your schedule in a hurry.

"So you have the ring then? And don't be like, predictable. I need to be surprised."

"Predictable?"

"Yes. Don't go in, immediately be like, 'I need to say something', because then I'm going to know. Catch me off guard."

"I feel like you're making this more complicated then it should be."

"Welcome to marriage."

~~~~~~

You look at your reflection, wondering if you look okay. You have dresses, you just never have an opportunity to wear them! You've curled your hair in pretty ringlets around your shoulders, applied makeup you never get to wear, and in your opinion, you look damn good.

Your dress is cute, with a swirly skirt to your knees. You put on some flats, you don't want to be taller than Ricky, and it's basically sleeveless. You purse your lips, your hands resting on your hips as you gaze at your reflection.

Ricky should be impressed, right?

You're irritated with him over that comment, you do have nice things. You can't exactly wear them while you're beneath a greased down machine, now can you? No, you have to dress appropriately.

You've made sure to spray your perfume, checked there's not a speck of grease or black on your skin, and you even painted your nails! You look like someone going on a date, or to their impending future engagement party. You hope Ricky's friend isn't mad that he's going to steal the spotlight, but maybe he'll be understanding.

You bite your lip, glancing at the time on your phone. Ricky should be here any minute, and you hope he likes how you look. You're a bit self-conscious about the fact you look so guyish all the time, and his comment didn't make you feel any better about it. Some men are intimidated that you're a better mechanic than them.

Maybe he'll approve.

~~~~

Oh.

Damn.

Uh.

Ricky stares at you, his eyes wide as you step out of your garage. You're actually wearing a dress, and you have hips! Lovely hips, actually, and quite a nice figure now that he really looks.

You're pretty.

"You look nice," he says finally as you start across the paved parking lot, and you give him a bright smile at his words, cheeks heating.

"Do you like it?" you ask dryly, giving him an experimental twirl. "It's been in the back of my closet for months now. At least I finally get to wear it."

"I'm surprised you own dresses," he chuckles, stepping around the car to open your door for you. "I've never seen you out of that jumpsuit."

"Because you only ever see me when I'm at work or I'm balling my eyes out," you reply, pleased that he likes your dress. "You look nice too." You tug at the collar of his black shirt, getting a whiff of his cologne. "Almost fancy."

"I try." He shuts the door behind you, glancing around the vacant parking lot of the auto body shop. There are some streetlamps coming on, but otherwise it's pretty vacant. Sure, there are some extra cars, probably ready to be taken into the shop in the morning, but that's about it.

Admittedly, Ricky's nervous, and his palms are slick. He's not sure if he's going to be able to pull this off tonight, although with you on his arm it's going to be a little easier. You're always so confident like you have everything under control, he admires you for that. It'll go smoothly, at least he knows you're not going to reject him.

That's a... plus, right?

~~~~~~~

"Don't be so nervous," you whisper in Ricky's ear as you enter the decorated shop, your arm curled through his. You're all bright smiles and long legs, and Ricky almost cringes.

Everyone has noticed the two of you come inside. That, or he's incredibly paranoid and thinking everyone is staring him down.

You're so pretty tonight, he likes the way your dress clings in all the right places. He'd been incredibly nervous about the whole thing, he still is but... well, having you at his side really helps.

"I can't help it," he tugs anxiously at his collar, giving Josh a nod from across the room. It's not a huge party or anything, mostly just friends and family. This is the second shop to open, filled with odd amenities and definitely some creepy items.

"Hey, it's gonna be fine," you take his hand as the two of you step into a corner, lacing your fingers through his and squeezing. "Just don't bail on me, alright? I wore a dress for this."

Ricky snorts. "You're making it sound like that's some great accomplishment."

You frown at him. "I should have worn heels, I would have been towering over you."

He huffs. "Yeah yeah."

Your eyes flick around the room, hearing faint music playing in the background that you recognize; the guys are usually playing it in your shop, and Ricky listens to it a lot at his own house.

You smile at Ryan as you see him heading towards the two of you, his eyes curiously landing on your entwined fingers.

And so it begins.

"Hey guys." He says with a sigh as he steps over, running a hand through his hair. He looks relaxed, wearing a nice black shirt and casual jeans. He's not super dressy, no one really is, and that makes you feel better that you didn't go over the top with your outfit.

"Hey Ryan." You greet, feeling Ricky tense beside you. "Has it been pretty smooth so far?"

"Yeah. Balz hasn't had his grand speech yet, I think he was waiting for Rick to show up." He glances behind him. "You're late, dude."

"I had to pick her up, and traffic was more than what I thought it would be," Ricky grumbles in response. "But hey, I made it."

"Yeah. You guys had anything to drink yet?"

"No, is it spiked?"

"Don't think so."

"Then I'm fine," you sigh, shaking your head. Honestly you're a little nervous about the evening as well, although you're not going to let Ricky, who's a firework of panic ready to explode, know that. You figure he's not even going to surprise you, that you're going to have to goad him into action because he can be such a little bitch sometimes.

Ryan chuckles at your answer, relaxing. He's always really liked you, you're so chill and he likes hanging with you, you're another one of the guys. Plus, you're sort of more manly than Ricky is, mostly because you know everything about cars and half the time your mutual friend can't even get his key fob to work.

"Everyone!" Josh calls, the music fading in the background. All eyes turn to the former keyboardist where he stands on a little stage --- or pedestal for some statue you're sure. You recognize him from photos you've seen, although you've yet to personally meet him. He seems nice, even if he left the band, and he's still close with all the guys.

"I want to thank everyone for coming tonight," Josh continues, and his speech goes on for a moment. You sort of lose interest halfway through, absently picking at a string on Ricky's shirt sleeve; he really needs to cut it off. Your hand is still in his, although it's getting a little too warm in your opinion.

You're so relieved when he's done and there's the mandatory clapping and cheers --- at which someone shoves a champagne flute in your hand full of... something not alcoholic, unfortunately. You sip politely but not because you want too.

Ryan wanders off into the crowd, and you look at Ricky pointedly. His hands slip anxiously into his pockets as he takes a step from you. He can feel the ring box, and his fingers clench around it nervously.

Oh shit.

He's actually going to have to do this, isn't he? He doesn't mind the action itself, just the aftermath of everyone freaking the fuck out.

"Go mingle with your friends," you nudge him slightly. "And stop looking like you're going to be sick, you're actually turning green at this point."

"I'm not green."

"You're getting there." Your hands go to your very shapely hips. You quirk one brow at him, tapping your fingers impatiently before he sighs.

"Fine. Come on, I'll introduce you to everyone." He offers his hand with a grimace, and you actually scowl at him, a little hurt.

"You can stop acting like this is literally painful for you," you snap, starting to feel foolish. "You asked me to come, remember?"

"It's not painful," he defends himself instantly, glancing around as your harsh tone garners some attention he definitely doesn't want. "It's not like this is easy."

"Why not? You're just introducing me, Ricky, not ---."

"It's not that, Jesus. It's--- well its what happens after and having to make up some excuse, yknow? I don't want to lie."

Seriously!?

"Ricky, I swear to god. If you're going to be a baby and back out, tell me right now so I can go home." You order, put out. He's acting as if being around you is embarrassing, he hardly said two words to Ryan while he was standing with the two of you. If this is how he's going to act now, the rest is going to be a disaster!

"I'm not going to be a baby, I ---."

"I understand if you're nervous, this is kind of a big deal, but you're making me feel like crap. Do you want me here or not?" You demand, glaring openly at him. Maybe you've been around men too much, but it's made you incredibly blunt and you rarely put up with anyone's bullshit. He's pissing you off!

He flushes beneath your glare, but he knows you're right. He really needs to get it together, doesn't he?

"You're right," he mutters reluctantly after a moment, but he knows if he doesn't agree you'll just continue to make him feel stupid until he admits you are. "I just... I'm so worried about all of this."

"I know, I get it." You soften slightly, taking his hand and squeezing. You give it a moment, then brazenly lean forward to kiss his cheek, seeing him blink at the unexpected action. "But you have to stop acting like such a little bitch or this is going to blow up in our faces."

His expression sours. You literally had to say it that way, didn't you?

"Hey, Ricky."

Ricky straightens immediately, turning to look up at Chris as he and his girlfriend step over. Your eyes flick over them curiously, seeing they rather complement each other with their equally dark and foreboding looks; you've never been one much for hair styling or lots of makeup, but his girlfriend definitely makes you wish you'd put even more effort into your appearance.

"Hey. You guys this is (Y/N)," Ricky introduces you, and you smile, trying to seem a little more friendly than what you really are.

"The mechanic, right?" Chris looks down at you curiously; he's vaguely heard Ryan and Ricky talk about you in passing, so he'd had a muscled up woman eight feet tall with car tattoos sort of pictured in his head.

You look nothing like he'd pictured; you're pretty, wearing a dress and flats so you're not taller than the guitarist. Your hair is done, nails painted --- much girlier than he expected.

"Yes." You nod your head, a little surprised; does Ricky talk about you or something? How did he ---?

"You're a mechanic?" His girlfriend seems surprised.

"I own a shop in town." You say after a moment, shifting your weight. You kind of don't like how she's looking at you, as if getting ready to use those long black nails for dissection.

"Oh. So do you hire or ---?"

"I work on the cars as well." Why does everyone always think you just do office work? You literally look and smell like a grease rag most days, and you kind of can't afford not to work, either. You've got bills and it takes a lot of money to keep a car shop going; the tools, the labor, just trying to keep a long stream of customers --- sometimes you're up all night just trying to figure out a way to make sure you always have business!

"How interesting! I know Ricky doesn't even know how to change a tire," she chuckles, and even Chris looks slightly amused.

Ricky rolls his eyes. "Can we let that drop please? And it was on the bus, not like any of us could do much for it!"

The bus?

"What happened?" You ask curiously, feeling Ricky start to relax beside you as Chris and his girlfriend tell the story --- or mostly Chris with his girlfriend chiming in occasionally when he forgets a slight detail.

You laugh at the end with them, purposefully leaning casually into Ricky's side. After a moment you feel his hand rise to rest on your lower back, just like you'd been hoping it would; you're going to have to keep up an appearance right now after all.

You're way too good at this. Ricky keeps his touch light on your back, knowing exactly what you're doing. Usually you might just nudge his shoulder or flail at him, you're not actually this touchy of a person.

He's taking cues from you the best he can.

"So how long have the two of you been together?" Chris girlfriend asks after a moment, finally voicing the question bouncing around in his head; Ricky has been so focused on his daughter and getting her from his ex, he's not exactly had time for dating.

Or has he?

"A little while," Ricky shrugs nonchalantly. You're a little impressed that he doesn't immediately cringe and give his lie away. "We've been friends and just decided to take the next step."

Riiight.

More like huge fucking leap.

You don't disagree, just squeeze his hand and cut your eyes at him. He doesn't need to say too much; Chris, who you're pretty sure is the front man of the band they're all in, isn't quite buying the bullshit line.

"That's so sweet," his girlfriend says, but you can't tell her level of sincerity. You just shrug your shoulders, wondering why you didn't bring even a mini bottle of alcohol with you to get you through this night.

Just please don't be a disaster.

~~~~~~~

Ricky is frowning.

He's standing with Ghost and Balz, a black cup in his hand as he looks across the crowded room. Chris pestered him for a few minutes about his very sudden, unexpected relationship status, but eventually let it go.

None of the other guys seem to care that much, although annoyingly Ryan hadn't seemed very surprised; honestly he figured you guys had been fucking for a while. You're just too good of friends to not have been.

Still.

Doesn't mean Ryan has to be making you laugh and giggle and stand so close to you. What the hell does he think he's doing, anyway?

Ricky sips his drink, scowling.

Now since the focus has been on Balz, the party is starting to dwindle. Some people are already leaving, it's getting late --- maybe now is the perfect time to do the thing?

Operation grow-some-balls and propose?

Your name for it, not his.

"So, when did you ask her out and why did none of us know about it?" Ghost huffs, miffed at being out of the loop. He usually prides himself on knowing the relationships of his friends, and he finds it very irksome he was left in the dark in this particular situation. He's seen pictures of you before, but you seem pretty normal, no tattoos he can see. You got some nice legs, admittedly, but you're not his type.

"It was pretty sudden." Ricky mumbles, wishing he would let the subject go. He's not really one for public spectacles, he'd rather just shove a ring on your hand and tell the guys about it later, but this is something you want.

It still bothers him you think a guy isn't going to do this for you one day. You want a pretty wedding and the romantic proposal, but he's pretty sure that when you find someone who really loves you, you'll have that.

It's why it makes him feel bad and he doesn't want anything fancy. He feels as if he's ruining it for you in the future.

Still, though, this is what you want and he kind of owes you.

"Sudden?" Balz looks amused. "Most definitely. Dude, I've never even heard her name before."

"Well we were always just friends before, we ---."

"So what changed? When did you start fucking her?" If anything, eloquent Ghost is not. Ricky sighs at the bluntness of the question, but he's not very surprised.

"Devin."

"I just don't see why you didn't mention anything before, alright? Not to any of us."

Yeah, Balz has to agree it is a bit strange. Sure, Ricky has always been the most private out of all of them, he never really posts about his life on social media or puts a lot of gossip out there, especially since he had his daughter.

Speaking of which.

"Uh, Ricky." Balz blinks, and nods his head forward.

This is going to get ugly.

Ricky turns after a moment, his hand suddenly clenching around his black cup and causing the contents to immediately cover his fingers.

Oh no.

Oh holy fuck.

It's over.

Everything is ruined.

His eyes widen in horror as he sees his ex girlfriend standing by the door, fake blonde hair trailing down her shoulders and makeup a bit too much for her.

"Satan has arrived," Ghost breathes, crossing himself. "Did you bring the holy water and sage?"

"Fuck, what's she doing here?" Ricky gasps, panicked. Where the hell can he go!? Is there a table or a trap door he can disappear through!?

What did the woman want!?

"Uh. I did not invite her," Balz wants to make that clear. He never liked her, honestly, but he's always tried to be friendly. He's not sure how she even found out about the party, he kept the guest list pretty short.

"I didn't figure you did," Ricky's shoulders hunch, but he knows his ex isn't going away until she finds him. She's persistent and stubborn and brings out the worst in Ricky, and he doesn't need that right now.

He just wants to propose to you!

Why is that so hard!?

"Uh oh." Ghost says.

"What!?" Ricky turns anxiously, tossing his cup into the nearest bag he can find. His heart stutters a little. "Oh no."

You saw Claire.

Now, one thing Ricky has always admired about you is your brazen attitude and how very unafraid you are of confrontation. You'll bitch out one of your mechanics in front of God and his disciples, you don't give a shit.

Suddenly that's unfortunate and Ricky doesn't need you beating up his ex, that's not going to look good in court!

Because you will, beat her up that is. You don't fight with silly slaps and hair pulling, you go full force with a punch to the face and he doesn't have the money to bail you out right now.

"Rick, don't worry. Claire isn't going to scare her off," Balz offers after a moment, internally sighing; he really doesn't want drama at his opening!

"That's not what I'm worried about," Ricky says anxiously, every alarm bell in his brain ringing loudly. "I'm worried Claire is going to piss her off and (Y/N) is going to beat the shit out of her. Oh fuck!" He groans, seeing you part from Ryan and stride in Claires direction.

What the hell are you doing?

Ghost and Balz look at each other, blinking. How rough are you exactly?

~~~~~~

"Claire. What are you doing here?" You ask sharply as you walk to Ricky's ex, the mother of his child and complete pain in the ass.you hope Ricky hasn't noticed her yet, he'll be having a heart attack.

Claire twists, and she looks at you for several seconds before it clicks who you are. Her nose curls almost instantly, her manicured hands going to her hips.

"I can ask you the same thing." She mutters, and you don't miss the black circles beneath her eyes or how tired she looks. She's dressed normal, jeans and a t shirt supporting some coffee shop --- you'd figured maybe she's here for an early child support check or something.

"Ricky invited me to come," you say after a moment, relaxing slightly; Claire doesn't look like she's spoiling for a fight at all. She looks tired more than anything, whereas you're used to seeing her dressed to the nines and ready to impress.

Claire snorts, brushing her dyed hair behind her ears at your response. "Boring, isn't it? I always hated having to come to these and pretend I gave a shit."

Riiight.

You forgot she's as blunt as you; maybe Ricky has a type and he doesn't even know it.

"Is there something you want?" You cross your arms as you lean back on your heels. You're not really sure what she wants, she doesn't seem aggressive at the moment, but that doesn't mean her mood can't flip like a penny in the air. You don't want Ricky to have to deal with her, but ---.

"I need Ricky to watch Chloe this weekend," she says flatly, her eyes zeroing in over your shoulder, has she spotted her prey? "I'm going out of town and I can't take her with me."

"Where are you going?"

"That's none of your business."

Ahuh.

You frown at her, but before you can say another word Ricky is stepping between you, blue eyes flicking back and forth warily; yeesh it's not like you were going to start a fight with her in public, he can stop worrying! How volatile does he think you are?

"Claire ---."

"I need you to take Chloe this weekend." Claire says before Ricky can say anything else, sounding impatient. "Take her to school Monday morning and I'll pick her up afterwards."

"Uh---."

"She's waiting in the car, I already have her bag packed." Claire continues in that irritating way, as if Ricky never spoke. "She's already excited."

What a bitch.

Did she basically tell Chloe she'd be spending the weekend with Ricky before she even asked him? Now Ricky can't say no, he hates making his daughter feel disappointed!

Fuck!

Claire subconsciously ruined your proposal weekend!

It's like she knew.

"Fine," Ricky says wearily, he's not even going to bother arguing. Really, any time he can spend with his kid he's going to take. "Bring her in and I'll take her."

Claire brightens noticeably. "Good! Thanks. She already won't shut up about it."

You can't stop the roll of your eyes.

Claire pretends she doesn't notice as she turns away, disappearing out into the dark street. You scowl after her, turning to look at your future husband accusingly.

"What?" He asks defensively. "It's Chloe!"

"You could try standing up to her and telling her no for once. She's probably shoving Chloe off on you so she can go party!"

"It doesn't matter if she is, at least I get Chloe and I know she's safe. I'd rather she drop her off with me than take her with her."

You suppose it is a good thing, but still.

"Daddy!"

"Hey, Chloe!" Ricky kneels immediately as his daughter comes barreling into him with out stretched arms. She curls them around his neck with a giggle, a bear clutched in one hand. Her father hugs her tightly, sighing.

"She's all yours until Monday." Claire sighs, holding a Barbie backpack in her hand. You give it a moment before you offer to take it, reluctantly slipping the strap over your shoulder.

Really, it's good Ricky gets to see Chloe this weekend, it's been a bit since he has. You're not upset that he is, you're just irritated with Claire in general.

He can't exactly propose now, which means all your scheduling is going to have to be set back. So no public proposal after all.

Bummer.

Tags:Anything MIW@imaginemiw   @bigdaddyfairywinkle @riegan @lucifersnudes    @horrorshow365    @imjustareject99    @nikkihorrorxx   @miss-evil-one   @itstrashleydude.  @kapowski-sitkowski.    @the-angriest-angel @sumbitxoxo    @batgirl09151997  @ nokomihorror  @svintsandghosts

[transsupportandadvice-blog]

yo can i get some advice on how transboys should act in order to pass?

Mostly, just watch males a lot, and study how they do things. Being a nonbinary genderfluid, I don't particularly act 'feminine' or 'masculine', but whenever I feel like one, I feel awkward because I don't know how to act. I try as much as possible nowadays to watch either gender and notice the little things that make a difference.For a little more detail, here's a website for transboys, made by transboys: https://www.google.ca/amp/s/gendertrender.wordpress.com/2011/07/20/ftms-in-their-own-words-how-to-behave-mal/amp/For those who can't/dont want to follow the link:GenderTrenderFTM’s in their own words: How to Behave Male“OK so behaving male seems to be an issue for me. I know I FEEL male inside, but sometimes I act way to girly and I need to work on that. I guess part of the reason is my family expects me to be a girl so I do all I can to make them happy so I haven’t really had the chance to practice. How do I behave male? I’ve tried studying my father’s behaviour and sometimes I have rare cases when I act a little male myself. Other than that I haven’t got any idea on how to act like a boy. Any suggestions? Advice?”“Well, the most important part, don’t swing your hips. Arm gestures are mostly unimportant, but if you want to work on that, just don’t sway them in a flamboyant fashion, and keep them in a consistent position and direction with the sides of your hands facing forward and you’ll be fine.”“I think I really screwed myself up when I was living as a girl, because I never felt like I lived up to being a girl, and I remember as a teen that I would watch the behavior and manners of girls my age and would try to imitate it in hopes of living up to more of a girl. And I did that for so long that I had made these manners a habit. And now I feel like I need to undo that so I begin to really be myself. But habits are hard to unlearn. And it’s harder for me to “not act like a girl” than it is for me to “act like a guy.” because it’s easier for me to replace one habit with another, than it is for me to just remove any habit entirely.”“Just watch male a lot, study how they do things.I notice that girls move their hands around a lot more when they talk than males do.For posture, I notice that guys either stand straight up and down, or their shoulders hunch over a little. Now girls seem to have a posture where their butt sticks out a little and their shoulders are pulled a little and their chest comes out and up. Like for girls, the small of their back is pulled in more, giving their spine a noticeable curve. Whereas on guys, it seems like their spine just goes straight up and down.”“How to walk like a guy 101:When you look at other people make sure you’re only looking at either a woman’s tits or her ba-donka-donk if she has one.Say hi, or mumble something, then quickly walk by.Take long strides.Clomp a little with all of your foot, and by all means never walk just on your toes or ball of your foot.Skip stairs when you’re going up, taking two or three at a time.Wear larger shoes than you really need.Wear larger pants than you really need.There you go. Class is over. lmao !!!”“Some general tips:Scratch your “package” often. (We guys call it “adjusting”.)Spit to the side (make sure it doesn’t dangle from your lips though…use force to expel that expectorate!)Do NOT use “swishy” hand movements when you talk. For that matter, like, don’t use, like, “like”, when you, like, talk, and stuff. Use the “F” word liberally. Nouns, verbs, adjectives, whatever…it covers everything.Learn the difference between a poundy thing (iirc, it’s called a “hammer”) and the turnie-thing (screwdriver? Or is that a drink?)”“Something that might help, is to deliberately derail from gender equality in research, and look at masculine nature, habits, and biology. After that, work back into yourself and adjust accordingly.For example, while females seem to have more lower body weight, males have more upper body weight from upper body development. Because of that, males will lead more with their upper body in their movements, while females will roll their foot movement into position, and lead more with their lower body. Also, men have a mindset to be very -blunt-. Acting and talking more statistical may end up being seen as more masculine. Being more to the point and less ‘graceful’ through things might also help things, as men interface more with the situation than their emotions. This is probably where the gender correlation comes from in the myer’s-briggs (it was either Thinking and Intuition, or Feeling and Sensing. I think it was the first pair, but the pair I’m referencing has mostly males on one side, and mostly females on the other.)”“My biggest advice is never be the passive one.”“Only thing I would say, is don’t cross one leg over the other when you sit down anywhere. It just ain’t something a guy can do with any degree of comfort. Or if you do, make the leg cross at right angles, to provide… breathing room, as it were.”“the head nod. I’ve been doing that since I was pre-trans-coming-out uhhrr type deal but I never realized it until girlfriends I’ve had got really annoyed since I would do it to them every time we’d meet without thinking about it. I guess it’s always been an instinct although I do it to women too still. Which I probably should stop hahah.”“I will act different, like more douchey because most men seem to do that amongst other men.And yes, learn tools if you can. I remember my dad taught me about tools when I was a little kid because I bugged him to but most dads don’t normally do that with us when we were kids. Even then that was so long ago and just the basics. I’ve had guys laugh at me because I said I needed a screwdriver for something and they asked what head it needed and I didn’t know but I didn’t think to look (duhh right). And remember with screws and nuts it’s lefty loosey and righty tighty.”“The main thing is stand your ground, because there may be guys testing you to see if you’ll stand up for who you are and what you believe in.”“Really, the main thing is looking male – once this happens, your behaviour will be seen as “male behaviour” because it is coming from someone who looks male. Even if it isn’t stereotypical. You could be the butchest woman alive, and people would still see it as “female behaviour” to some degree. It’s just an unfortunate flaw in human thought.”“I think you’ll find your authentic masculinity is whatever’s left when you strip away your learned feminine behaviours.”“When we walk we have to offset the sway somewhere in order to not fall over. Women use their hips, men use their shoulders. So if you can learn to keep your hips motionless, you’ll be forced to sway your shoulders… or you’ll fall on your face. That’s how I learned anyway. You also want to widen your stance, women brush their thighs together as they walk, because they keep their feet only a couple of inches apart, men tend to keep their feet rather further apart (don’t exaggerate this unless you want to look like a cowboy). Hit the ground a little harder with your feet – coming down on your heel rather than your toe. Men tend to lead with their chest/head rather than their legs/hips – like you are driving yourself, rather than pulling yourself forward. And finally, you want to keep your elbows away from your body (again don’t exaggerate unless you want to look cavemanish).Sitting is another fun one. Basically it is all about taking up space. If you are going to cross your legs: cross your ankles with your legs stretched in front of you, or rest an ankle on your knee. Otherwise keep your knees and feet apart. Lean back in your chair rather than forwards or sitting up straight. If you can manage it so you are basically lying down in your chair, that’s perfect. Do not fold your hands in your lap, you can rest them on your knees, on the armrests of the chair or you can run them along the backs of the chairs beside you until their owners get pissed off. Note that all of this indicates superiority and ease – i.e. don’t do it if you are talking to your boss or teacher or something. Then you sit up straight and keep your legs together.Don’t gesture while you talk. Or if you have to, gesture away from you rather than towards. Men also tend to gesture from their shoulders rather than their elbows. Lean forwards while talking and back while listening. Make less eye contact in general. Try to avoid moving your upper lip while talking, that should help in producing the flat mumbly monotone. Also avoid opening your mouth beyond the absolute bare minimum for speech. Do not smile at other blokes unless they said something funny, they may take it the wrong way. Going overboard on any of this stuff will take you right past guy and onto jerk, so careful.”“Women tend to walk with their head and hips while guys tend to walk with their crotch. No, this does not mean walking around while doing the pelvic thrust. It just means they tend to have a lower stance, usually walk with more authority, and are confident.”“Women tend to be less obtrusive, while men tend to take up more space. If you watch commuters on a bus, women tend to sit with their legs crossed and their arms drawn in, and men tend to sit with their legs apart and their arms out.Observe, observe, observe. Go to the mall or a park, sit on a bench, and watch the male world go by. Take notes. Later at home, practice in front of a mirror. Try not to be too exaggerated in your movements. Once you’re comfortable with your movements, go out in public and try them. They should become second nature after a while.Be sure, when observing, to observe a wide range of guys, of all races, shapes and sizes. If you’re tall and thin, feel free to pay closer attention to tall thin guys, but watch everyone. Otherwise, you’ll just be doing an impression of the one or two tall thin guys you saw. Get an average and go with that.”“Handshakes: Make them firm, not like a dead fish. Lock your thumb into the other person’s hand, and look them in the eye. Don’t pump excessively.Dealing with women: Be yourself, but be less social than you used to be. Women tend to gossip more than men, particularly when they’re by themselves. Even if you’re sitting there with them. Don’t let yourself get sucked in. This may sound sexist, but it’s easy to sort of feminise the way you talk when you’re in that situation. Caveat emptor.Dealing with men: Again, be yourself. Be social, but be aware of the difference in tone. When men gossip (they don’t call it gossip, though, it’s “discussing”), there is often a sexual undertone and some raucous laughter. Feel free to join in, but beware of the intense one-upmanship that is often present in these situations. Be ready to take ’em all on. If you can win a one-upmanship match with all of the guys you’re with, you’ll probably be accepted into their circle immediately.”“Watch how men walk and practice at home. Try to relax and do everything you were told not to when you were younger. Men are sloppy creatures so anything that is less than perfect will probably work … feel free to take up space – be purposeful and sure of yourself. On the other hand, avoid the primate walk – any man looks unattractive lurching down the street like an escaped extra from Planet of the Apes. All you want to do is pass and in many ways, less is more – anything less than walking like a woman will get you through. The best advice I can think of is not to try too hard.Standing:
Distribute your weight evenly on both feet – stand as if you are in front of a urinal – feet shoulder width apart (which is a lot less than people often assume) and stand tall. Don’t let your hips slide sideways, stand with your knees together or look as though you are trying to slip into the background. You don’t have to make a big statement, just look confident and sure of yourself.Handshakes:
Check where the other guy’s hand is (quickly – don’t stare at the hand) and grasp it firmly – you probably won’t win any strength competitions so just make it solid and firm. Lock your thumb into the other person’s hand and shake – no excessive evangelical preacher/ used car salesman pumping. Look the other person in the eye and stay calm – it will be over in a couple of seconds and after a while it feels completely natural. Avoid dead fish handshakes at all costs.Speaking:
Try to eliminate any upward inflections at the end of your sentences. Practice keeping your voice steady and almost to a monotone. Use a reasonable volume as men speak louder than women: if you speak too quietly people will see you as lacking confidence. Men interrupt more often so once you feel confident you can jump into conversations fairly readily. Then again, knowing what you know from your previous life it could be a good move to integrate both aspects and charm your audience with a mix of polite confidence and urbane sophistication (it’s worth a try at least).Male conversation is a whole new world. Just sit back and observe… then get involved slowly as you begin to feel comfortable. Not all men join in a conversation and it is quite acceptable to “sit it out” without appearing rude or out of place. Banter is an arcane art – best learned by observation. Just take your time and relax – all too soon you will be talking bullshit with the best of them.Sitting:
Men take up as much space as they need to be comfortable. Cross your legs with one ankle on the knee of the other leg or cross one leg over the other at the knee. Feel free to sit with your legs apart but don’t be uncouth about it. Sitting with a degree of decorum is more important in suits and formal wear otherwise you will look uncomfortable in that particular standard of clothing.Eye contact:
Look directly at people, especially other men. No coy, shy or sideways looks – be upfront and confident, but not aggressive.”“Be confident. If you don’t believe yourself, no one else will believe you.If you are gay, flaunt it but in a masculine way. You can wear a male on male symbol or a pink triangle. Avoid plain rainbow pride symbols as it can make people think you are a lesbian. Same if you’re a bisexual-you can wear a male on male/female sign, but a plain bisexual flag or the ‘biangles’ may get you confused for a bi girl.Wear clothing that will make you look taller. Pinstripes are good, as well as the color black. Go monochromatic if you are short, since having a shirt a different color than the pants splits the body and shortens it. Platform, industrial style boots will also make you look taller. You can also try shoes with lifters on the inside (or toilet paper if you’re cheap). Remember: the taller you look, the less likely people will think you are a girl.”“Handshakes: make them firm, lock your thumb into the other persons hand. Look them in the eye. Don’t pump excessively. No dead fish handshakes.Lighting matches on a matchbook: most men draw the match toward them.Looking at your nails: curl your hand and lift your hand palm up.Sitting: men take up space. Cross your legs either with one ankle on the knee of the other or at the knees. The latter is more appropriate in suits and formal attire.Conversation: men interrupt more, jump in more readily.Walking: develop a more male walk. Watch other men and imitate them.Standing: most men tend to evenly distribute their weight when they stand and tend to stand as if they are in front of a urinal when in fact they are standing at a counter or at the ATM."(Thank you so much for being the first ask!💙)

[im-still-writing-out-of-time]

Stay (Part 2)- Thomas x Maria

Slightly mature themes, but mild. 

PART 1

Masterlist

The thoughts ran in a never-ending loop throughout her head. She and Thomas had been going on dates for almost two months, what were they? Was he just there for the hookups? Did he genuinely enjoy her company? She had fallen in love with him but she had no idea how he felt. His eyes, his dark, thick curls, his smile, the way he throws his head back when he laughs, and the hair lining his jaw.

Maria left her bathroom and walked into her room, to the closet. She shuffled through the dresses on their hangers. Normally she wore one of her vibrant red dresses, the ones she knew Thomas liked,but tonight was different. Tonight she wanted to wear something more muted. Something girly. Something pink and flowing. She grabbed a light pink dress from the closet and set it down on her bed, her heart beating in her ears as she worried about whether or not Thomas would like it.

She walked to her dresser and pulled out a matching set of underwear, understated, yet cute. Moving to her bed, she pulled the dress over her head and smoothed it down as it settled against her curves. Tonight, she was more nervous than she had been before. She smoothed down her damp hair and brushed on some mascara and lip gloss, tinged pink. Her hair fell down her back in ringlets and she pinned back her hair away from her eyes. She grabbed her bag from the bed and tossed everything she needed inside.

A sharp knock sounded through her apartment and she grabbed a pair of white flats, slipping them on before going to answer the door. Thomas stood at the door, a single red rose in his hands. His cocky smirk fell from his face when he saw her. She looked at the ground. “I guess I knew the pink was a risky choice. It looks bad, doesn’t it?”

“No! God, you look gorgeous. You look innocent.” He bent down and kissed her cheek. “But I know better,” he whispered in her ear. His arm looped through hers. “Are you ready to go?”

She nodded and the pair walked to his car, a black SUV, and he opened the door for her. He ran around the front and hopped in his side, slamming the door closed behind him. He watched her, shaking in her seat, more nervous than he had ever seen her, and it scared him. She was always so courageous and confident in herself. Knowing she was scared worried him. She stared out the window and Thomas brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.

“What’s worrying you, darlin’?” She looked out the window and shook her head and Thomas saw a stray tear run down her face. “Maria, baby, please talk to me.” Again, she shook her head and he climbed out of the car and walked over to the passenger side of the vehicle. He gently lifted Maria out of the vehicle and carried her back in the house, sitting down with her on his lap. “Maria, please talk to me.” He grabbed a Kleenex from the end table and handed it to her.

“What are we?” she whispered, balling the Kleenex in her hand.

Thomas set her in the chair on got on his knees on the floor in front of her. “That’s what this is about?” He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “I was gonna ask you to be my girlfriend tonight at dinner. I’m falling deeper and deeper in love with you, Maria. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you. I love you.”

“Oh, Thomas,” she cried, throwing herself in his arms. “I love you, too.” She nuzzled her face in his chest and felt his strong arms wrap around her. “I’m so scared,” she whispered. “Scared to lose you, scared of the future, scared to…” she trailed off, shaking her head.

“Baby, please. You can tell me anything.” His fingers played with the little ringlets that fell down her back. “Anything.”

“Can I ask you anything, too?” she asked, waiting for him to nod. When he did, she took a shaky breath. “Have you been with anyone else in the last two months?” She couldn’t look at him, scared of his answer.

Thomas took his hands and made her face look at his, but her eyes still darted away from him. “Maria, I haven’t been with anyone but you since I met you. I promise.” His voice was soft, non-judging, and it made her feel good. “I can’t even dream of being with anyone else now. You’re the only one for me.” Her eyes finally looked at his. “Do you still want to go to dinner?”

“Uh, yeah. Let’s go.” She stood up from his lap and fluffed her dress where it had fallen flat. There were still tears in her eyes.

“Maria, something else is wrong. Please tell me what it is.”

“Can we just go to dinner?” she whispered. “Maybe I’ll be brave enough to tell you later.”

The couple got in the car and drove to the restaurant with Thomas in his seat dancing to the music and Maria laughing quietly at him. Her spirits were leaps and bounds higher than when they left her apartment. They walked into the restaurants and the dim light was comforting. There was one part of the restaurant lit only by candlelight.

“That’s where we’ll be sitting,” Thomas whispered, pointing to the candlelight. They made their way to the dimly lit tables and Thomas pulled out a seat, allowing Maria to sit down. He took his chair and moved it right beside Maria. He draped one arm behind her, resting it on her chair, and the other hand reached over and rested on her thigh. He ran his thumb against the inside of her thigh and she leaned into his chest.

A waitress came over and handed them a pair of menus. “Can I start you two off with anything to drink?”

“What do you want darlin’?” Thomas looked at her, waiting for her answer.

“Just a water, please,” she said quietly, looking at the menu.

Thomas looked at her, wondering. She usually ordered some sort of alcoholic drink. “I’ll have a beer, please,” he said, his eyes not leaving her. The waitress wrote down their drinks and walked away. “Maria, what’s going on?”

She grabbed her purse and held it in her lap. She shoved her hand in her bag and dug around until her fingers wrapped around what she was looking for. She pulled it out and set it on the table. Her hands were shaking and her breathing was erratic as she tried not to sob out loud.

“You’re pregnant?” His eyes stayed focused on the positive test in front of him. He removed the hand from her thigh and grabbed the test, pulling it to his face. He felt Maria shift beside him and she tossed another test on the table.

“They’re both positive,” she sobbed, standing up and rushing out the door. She got just outside when she tripped and fell, catching herself with her arms before her body hit the ground. She sat up on the concrete, sobbing. She pushed herself upright and felt Thomas’s strong arms around her.

“God, Maria, are you okay?” He picked her up and held her close. She buried her face in his chest as his fingers traced patterns on her back.

“I’m so sorry. I really was on the pill. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” She started hyperventilating. “I’ll understand if you leave me,” she whispered.

“You didn’t even give me the chance to be excited darlin’. I’m not leaving you,” he murmured. He bent down and planted a kiss on her lips before kneeling down. His lips planted a small kiss just beneath her belly button. “Hi baby. I’m your daddy,” he said, whispering. “Guess what. I love your mommy so much, and I’ll love you just as much.”

Maria looked down at him, tears in her eyes. “You really mean that?”

He stood up and looked into her teary eyes. “Absolutely.” He grabbed her arms and wrapped them around him. “You wanna go back inside and get something to eat? I’ve gotta feed my girls.”

“Girls?”

“Yep. It’s a girl. I can feel it. But if it’s a boy, his name is Carter. Carter Michael Jefferson.”

Maria giggled. “Have you thought about it a lot?”

“Nope, just thought about it right now. I don’t actually think I like that name. At all.” He wrinkled his nose and Maria start laughing, a sound that was music to his ears. “Now let’s go feed you and our baby.” He grabbed her hand and led her back in to their table. “What do you want, darlin’?”

“Uh… I don’t know. Order for me.” She grabbed the tests from the table and slipped them back into her bag.

He pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “No cravings or anything?” he teased and he knew he hit the mark when she blushed. “What is it? You can tell me.”

“I just really want some sort of steak and mashed potatoes.” She blushed.

“And?”

“And a milkshake.”

Thomas smiled at how reserved she was. It was the complete opposite of his confident Maria, but he loved this one just as much. “Why are you so embarrassed that you want some steak and potatoes? You’ve got a little baby Maria to feed too.” He smiled at the thought.

“I don’t want to look like a fat pig,” she whispered, looking at the table.

“Mhm, well I would love you, fat pig or not. So there,” he joked, puckering his lips for a kiss that Maria denied.

Maria pouted. “You’re lucky you’re cute and I find you extremely sexy,” she grumbled. “Or I’d say no to sex tonight.”

Thomas feigned disbelief. “You would deny me, your personal sex slave, you would deny me sex? Of all the things…”

Maria hid her face in his jacket as she laughed. The waitress walked back over with her notebook in her hand, pulling a pen out from behind her ear. “You two lovebirds ready to order?”

Maria peeked out from Thomas’s chest, embarrassed to be caught like that. Thomas  nodded and grabbed the menu. “We would like two of the biggest steaks you have, with mashed potatoes and gravy and one chocolate milkshake, and one- what flavor do you want?”

“Chocolate,” she squeaked.

“Two chocolate milkshakes.”

The waitress wrote down the order and, tucking the pen behind her ear, went back to the kitchen to give the chef their order. Thomas wrapped his arms around Maria and held her close. She fell back against his chest and inhaled his scent. Her nerves were starting to calm down. She felt Thomas tracing patterns along the lower part of her back.

“Do I get to go to your doctor’s appointment?” He drew his lips to her forehead and kissed her. “I’ll cancel anything I have to so I can be there.”

“It’s tomorrow. Sorry for the late notice, but it’s the latest I could get without it being a month and a half from now. But I really did plan on telling you tonight. It’s kinda the reason I wore something less…me. Less sultry? I don’t know.”

Thomas pushed a loose curl behind her ear and poked the tip of her nose. “Boop,” he joked. “I happen to like the new look. I liked your old one too, but this one just- You’re glowing. The pink and the pregnancy and everything- you’re radiant. Absolutely gorgeous.” His hand cupped her cheek and he drew her closer, kissing her passionately. “I love you so much, Maria. So much.”

The waitress came back with a tray in each hand and set them on the table. “Okay, lovebirds, here’s two steaks, potatoes and gravy, and two chocolate milkshakes. My name is Meggy if you need anything. Can I get you anything else?”

Thomas looked at Maria who was already hungrily staring at the plate in front of her. He smiled at her and chuckled. “I think we’re good for now.”

“Alright, just holler if you need anything.” With that, she strode away and began to talk animatedly to the cook leaning against the counter.

Thomas looked back at Maria, who had slid her plate closer to her. Her eyes were bright as she stared at the large steak hungrily. “You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you want that steak more than you want me.”

“Oh I do,” she stated, cutting her steak. “I want this steak much more.” She looked at his dramatically fallen face. “For now,” she said smirking. “Then I can eat you later.” She stabbed a piece of steak with her fork, mopped it through the potatoes and gravy and stuffed it in her mouth, chewing happily. “This is just what I needed. Thank you.” She leaned over and kissed Thomas’s cheek.

“I’m glad you like it.” He took a swig from the beer he had ordered before dinner and watched Maria devour her food. It was the most food he had ever seen her eat and nothing made him happier. She was almost done her plate when she looked over at him and saw him watching her.

“Sorry…”

He chuckled. “Don’t be. I love this side of you. I love knowing you’re eating, I love knowing you’re pregnant with our child, and I love you.”

She blushed at his words. “I’m just really hungry. I haven’t eaten much today.” She swallowed hard and her eyebrows gathered in a slight grimace.

“Maria, are you okay?” His voice was full of concern.

“Where’s the bathroom?” She asked calmly, standing up and adjusting her dress. Thomas pointed to the single bathroom across from the door they came in through. She walked over elegantly and then ran through the door when she was less than five feet away. Thomas strode over quickly and knocked on the door. “Taken,” she rasped, before retching into the toilet.

“Maria, I’m coming in, okay?”

“Yeah,” she fought out. He shoved open the door and saw her squatting in front of the toilet. He stripped off the jacket he was wearing and set it on the floor.

“Here, darlin’. Kneel on this.” She set her knees on the jacket and bent back over the toilet. Thomas moved forward and grabbed her hair and held it out of the way. His other hand fell against her back and moved it in circles in an attempt to soothe her, if nothing else. Maria slumped to the floor and sat back on the jacket, half of what she’d eaten now in the toilet. Thomas released her hair and let it fall back down her back. He flushed the toilet and wet a paper towel, bringing it to her mouth and gently patting away anything she might have gotten on her face and lips. “You feel better?”

Maria looked at him through her eyelashes and nodded. “I have mints in my bag. We can head back out.” Thomas grabbed her around the waist and lifted her from the floor before grabbing his jacket.

“Come on then, let’s go get your mints. I’ll finish my food and we can leave.”

“I want to finish my food too,” she said looking at the floor. “I’m still hungry.”

Thomas leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. “Alright sweetheart, I just figured that you wouldn’t want to eat after throwing up.” He pulled her seat out for her and allowed her to sit down before he sat down beside her. He grabbed her purse from the floor where it had fallen and he rummaged through until he found a package of mints. “Here you go, darling.” She took the small carton and dumped a few mints in her mouth.

“Thank you. You keep eating. You haven’t eaten much.”

“Maria, I’ve eaten today and kept it down. I want to make sure you’re eating enough. I’ll start eating again when you start eating again.” He took a sip of his beer and grabbed her hand as she finished her mints.

“Can I have my hand back so I can eat?”

“You have two hands,” he smirked.

Maria stuck out her bottom lip pouting. “I have to use my right hand,” she stated, pulling her hand from his and grabbed her fork and steak knife and began cutting up her steak. “They say potatoes are supposed to stop you from throwing up. Or at least throw up less, but-” She paused to bring a piece of steak to her mouth. “I’ve decided that that’s a lie.”

Maria ate a lot slower the second time around until she realized that Thomas had finished and was watching her waiting. “Do you want to order dessert, darling? I can do that while you’re finishing your food.” She shook her head and sipped the rest of her milkshake.

“It’s kinda anxiety-inducing when someone sits there watching you eat, you know.” She chewed her food and looked at Thomas accusingly. “You can, however, go see if they have bottled water for me while I finish.” He smiled at her and kissed her head before getting up and waltzing over to talk to the waitress. He grabbed a bottle of water and removed his wallet from his back pocket. He paid the bill and grabbed the bottle of water before walking back to the table as Maria was swallowing her last bite.

“Are you ready to go home, darlin’?”

She wiped her mouth on a napkin and stacked the dirty dishes before she stood up and pushed her chair in. Thomas handed her her purse and grabbed his jacket, looping his arm in hers and leading her to the door.

The drive home was silent, but calm. Maria’s hand was entwined with Thomas’s on the center console. Thomas pulled the car into her driveway and looked at her, his body in no mood to leave hers, even for a second. He brought his free hand to her cheek and pulled her lips to his and kissed her passionately. He pulled away and looked at her gorgeous brown eyes that stared back at him through long lashes. “Let’s go inside, my darling.” He pulled away slowly and jumped out of the car to meet her at the other side. He grabbed her hand and walked her to the front door, standing back when she unlocked the door. She tossed her keys back into her purse and walked inside, her purse immediately being dropped inside the doorway,

“I’m going to brush my teeth, and then I’m going to eat you. As promised.” She trailed to the bathroom, leaving Thomas standing in shock, his jaw dropped. He shook his head and smiled at the little vixen who had stolen his heart. She emerged from the bathroom minutes later, her hair pulled back in a bun, baby hairs escaping from her hair tie. She had changed out of her dress and into a plain silk robe. She had wiped off the small traces of makeup she had been wearing and walked to Thomas. “Strip,” she ordered.

Thomas moved quickly to pull his clothes off. He had always been the dominant in all of his relationships but Maria had power over him. He shuffled out of his clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. Maria grabbed him by his hardening cock and pushed him down onto the chair. She used her mouth to pleasure him until she felt his body tense, and she immediately pulled herself off him. She ran her tongue up and down his shaft and circled around his balls. He groaned as he lost her touch and she stopped completely.

Maria stood up and sauntered down the hall to her bedroom, dropping her robe on the way down. Thomas followed her, pushing the door open to see her standing in the middle of the room. Her white lingerie made her look so pure and innocent. “Take me to bed and make love to me.”

Thomas picked her up and wrapped her legs around him and carried her to the bed. He set her down in the middle of the mattress and knelt down at her feet. His hands ran up her legs to grab the underwear that hugged her hips. He slid them down her legs and inhaled the scent of her arousal. She looked so innocent laid out on the bed. He sat on the bed and lifted her into his lap, her wet core surrounding his long length Her face met with his and he reached behind her to unhook the lacy bra she was wearing. She began to move on him, gyrating her hips against him.

“No, my love. I’m going to make love to you the proper way if you’ll let me.” He stripped the bra off her body and threw it to the floor. Thomas drew his lips to hers and unwrapped the elastic band from her hair, sliding it on his wrist. He set her back on the mattress and moved his body over her, holding himself above her on his elbows. Their bodies moved in sync, a choreographed dance that they had learned in the last two months. He loved the way her body felt against his, and she couldn’t get enough of him. He watched her body for signs that she was getting close, like the way she would draw her bottom lip between her teeth, or the way she would push her shoulders back.

“Thomas,” she breathed.

“Cum with me, my darling.” His words were their undoing and they both reached their climax together. Thomas pulled out once they were both done and he kissed her. “I love you Maria,” he whispered against her lips.

“I love you so much Thomas,” she breathed.

He leaned down and kissed her stomach. “I love you too little one. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” He sat up and pulled Maria up with him. “I’ve got something for you. Wait here.”

He stood up from the bed and ran out to the living room. She heard his feet patter on the hardwood floor as he walked back. “Maria,” he said, lowering himself to one knee, his hand closed around something. Her eyes grew big as he grabbed her hand. “Will you move in with me?” he asked, holding up a little golden key. She laughed and nodded her head.

“Of course, my Thomas. But for now, come cuddle me.”

“Of course, my Maria.” He crawled up beside her, setting the key on her nightstand. “You know you’ll never have to fight me to stay.” He kissed her lips and laid there, listening to her breathing as she fell asleep, before he started to fall asleep. “I’ll always stay.”

[pashi]

like thigh highs. I used to love wearing thigh highs, like i wore those in the WINTER TIME I loved them so much. I have a small bin full of thigh highs and I probably own at least 20 pairs of them, they made me feel so cute and I would look at myself and be like “gotdang..,.. she is cute!!!!”

but now I can’t even bring myself to put on a freaking skirt outside of work, never mind thigh highs. like a couple weeks ago I was going to dance practice so wore this cute overall dress that I have with my one of my all-time fave pair of thigh highs (they’re just simple black ones but they’re really long and stay up well and the top doesn’t compress your thigh that much) and I just…. I couldn’t…… I had to bring a change of clothes because I felt so…. girly?? it was just a really uncomfortable experience overall

I can remember last year when I could still wear this stuff and be happy about it but now I just….. can’t do it.. as I’m writing this I look up to my left and I see those cute dresses my mum got for me while she was in london and I can remember wearing them all summer and loving them so much…. I haven’t touched most of my hanging clothes outside of my dress shirts because I can’t bring myself to wear them

why did this suddenly happen now in my life, I literally lived for 19 years without any of this affecting me at all, if anything I embraced being cute and girly for years and years, I loved wearing those lolita-esque dresses my grandma would get me when I was a kid, I loved getting cute new clothes whenever I walked into a japanese department store, I loved playing dress up with those exquisite dresses that my mum always made for me and my dolls, I absolutely adored lolita fashion and really wanted to get into it but just didn’t have the money, I tried every day to come up with cute outfits and impress my friends who would always mindblown by how adorable I was, I would spend hours looking in the mirror experimenting with my facial expressions and making cute faces, all the years of my life I tried so hard to make people love me and shower me with affection so I could be happy and I couldn’t stand it when they didn’t, what have I been trying to do for all these years?

is it because my parents told me that they didn’t have many wishes for what kind of child they wanted, but they always knew they wanted a girl?

but I don’t ever remember being uncomfortable with any associations with female gender. but now it makes me want to cry and disappear forever.

i don’t get it. it’s not everything too, like by this logic I should hate my job but I don’t????? when I look in the mirror with all my makeup I DO sometimes think “who is this” but that’s…… probably for unrelated reasons like wearing a wig lmao.

I mean, I always hated my body but I thought that was this whole “beauty standards” thing, but I also thought that was weird because my body looks pretty ok???? actually I spent way too much time looking in mirrors, at myself and my body, and sometimes I would be pretty happy with the way I looked??? like I was pretty confident that as a girl people found me cute and desirable and all that stuff, but I never felt…. happy? with it? idk

I think I’m realizing that there was a huge disconnect between how I was presenting myself and my ideal appearance…. and other things? I always liked looking at skinny guys with super flat chests or broad shoulders but I was never attracted to them or anything, I heard basses and I was like “god i wish that were me”….. and all this stuff’s gotten me thinking like maybe the reason why I like those otokoya//ku (slashing so poor fans don’t need to see my suffering lmao) so much is because they’re all afab but they can present masculinely so well. I was so mind blown when people told me “yeah they’re women but they basically spend a good chunk of their life being and studying men” and even after they graduate and they present a bit masculinely everyone’s like “oh but she was an otok///oyaku haha it makes sense, she was basically a man for 15 years”

maybe it’s a bit weird because they’re not actually trans or anything, but maybe that was my first kind of positive contact with anything remotely resembling a trans person? and I think it shaped the way I think of trans people for a while, actually, because the other contact I’d had was p negative, like japanese celebrities or “chick with a dick”, y'know, that kind of stuff

I am AWARE that this has some negative connotations like “SHE’s a WOMAN but she’s hotter than REAL MEN!!!!1!!” implying that trans guys aren’t actually men…. but it was the only thing I had because literally no one talked about trans guys okay, everyone only talks about drag queens or “”“women with dicks”“”. later on of course my understanding of trans people has widened and I know they’re (we’re???) just people trying to live their life etc etc all that stuff

I guess right now there’s the problem that I don’t really….. identify with a small amount of the struggles that I see trans people dealing with, (the biggest one being “I always knew something was wrong”) and I keep thinking about “what if I do irreversible things to myself and then it turns out I was wrong???” but at the same time, there are a lot of things that I do experience??? and I really hate my chest and my voice and how I look so gotdanm girly and i’m so short and my hands and feet are so small and cute and my legs look feminine and my waist is so tiny and my hips are huge and my shoulders aren’t broad at all and things constantly slip off of them

so what does this all mean?????

why am I posting this on tumblr dot com???????

maybe I just want people I know on here but haven’t told about this to Know and talk to me

maybe I want attention or validation or something maybe

maybe I want to actually understand myself and my thoughts

ugh either way I’m tired of this all and I miss some people I want to feel good again