#so YOU fucks can see it too) but yknow let's yell at the choir that the minister aint working

[bunnyb34r]

Am I crabby bc I forgot to take my meds this morning, bc I have to poop, or bc NO ONE FUCKING HELPS IN MY AREA???!

We just don't know :)

[faquarlofmycenae]

Faquarl scenes through the years; rated from 1 to 10 (by yours truly, the known stan)

Amulet of Samarkand

The Kitchen Brawl: 9/10

Hey, audience, look, the introduction of a character who would become very important! There’s knives, having conversations in the midst of danger, a hint of that true tentacle-y form, very much here for all of that. We get a nice view of what the Bartquarl relationship is like, that they’ve known each other for quite some time and are thus familiar with the other. Faquarl does end up getting blasted into a wall and after the scene ends got the short end of a nasty punishment, courtesy of Simon Lovelace, but since we don’t see the end of that very unpleasant day, let’s not dwell on it too much.

Freeing Bartimaeus from the Tower of London: 100/10

Perfect from beginning to the end, and so much that Faquarl being set on fire isn’t even on my radar a lot. He basically makes Bart jump through a hoop, yells at him for falling for an illusion and causes a bunch of ravens to vomit or die by essentially flashing them and gets doused in gasoline - solid stuff. There’s also talks of revolution while squatting in a scrub. WRT that girl he wanted to kill: we don’t know whether she just had bad vibes. We just don’t know.

Brief Cameo at Heddleham Hall: 4/10

He just hangs around in the kitchen in his preferred form which, yknow what, I’ll take what I can get. Brief speaking role when he tells Nat to get lost and just reinforces the point that this spirit fucking hates children in general. 

Golem’s Eye

No actual scenes :( there’s a mention but otherwise it’s a 0 on the Faquarl-o-meter, its strong points lie in other areas. During the events of this book he’s also in an off-shore safe hoping Nathaniel dies in a fire or gets devoured by flesh-eating insects or something so it looks poorly for him. 

Ptolemy’s Gate

Meeting Verroq: 1/10

well, we don’t know that this is Faquarl and neither does Bart. He’s also a little too far away for us to hear what he says so as a known Faquarl enthusiast, this is poor stuff, boys. 

The Hopquarl reveal: infinity sign/10

Pack it up, girls and gays, this is what peak performance looks like. The reveal is done so well and truly has you realize that shit is hitting the fan. Faquarl shows up with his new material form, ass shots, titties out, beat face contoured, no pain despite being on Earth and Bartimaeus is shaking in his feathers. Kills a bunch of high-level spirits with the same ease as opening a jar of pickles, has his little monologue, throws Bartimaeus in a silver casserole filled with fish as he smugly states that he was Right All Along in his belief that revolution would be here one day and is on his merry way to overthrow humanity - what a guy. No one does it better than him. I’m in awe and have this scene eternally burned into my mind. This is also where we get a callback to the infamous scrub scene and the good ol’ “in some cultures they kiss, in other they set each other on fire”. And they say romance is dead.

Masquerading as Hopkins and going public: 8/10

Listen, this is the closest I’ll get to a proper interaction between Faquarl and Kitty so her calling him a traitor which in some way had to remind him that he technically betrayed the Other Place does a lot of things to me. He also beats up the Mercenary with his own bare fists which is defo among the Top 10 Funniest Moments In The Bartimaeus Sequence so that does a lot too. We figure out that Faquarl is the true mastermind behind the entire spirit rebellion and that as much as Nouda is leading the whole thing, our interdimensional entity is the one whose truly calling the shots and the brains of the entire operation - and has in fact been doing so even with Makepeace, Hopkins and Lovelace! Ugh, I know spirits don’t have a ‘brain’ but if he had one, it’d be so wrinkly and full of diligent neurons! 

Mass creation of hybrids - 3/10

He doesn’t really do a lot besides picking out names in a book for the magician to summon a spirit into his body. Also gets his ass kicked across the room by Jessica Whitwell (there is definitely a conversation to be had about how Faquarl is prone to getting injured or otherwise taken out).

The final confrontation: 9/10

Hoo boy, this is both a perfect scene but also because of the part where he, y’know, is reduced to his atoms, it’s sad (and still perfect and in a bizarre way a... worthy send-off? Dying on your own terms, that’s what I’m talking about.) The final conversation between them and the eventual realization that you screwed things up for yourself are a fucking gutpunch. Faquarl being speechless for the first time in ever and having an honest true-to-the-bone with Bartimaeus, no doubt the being that has known him for the longest amount of time... it’s just raining on my face. I’m lying in bed and listening to Angel by Sarah McLachlan on some Spotify playlist of Sad Songs. 

Ring of Solomon

Picking up Bartimaeus: 9/10

Well, it in itself is not on the level as the Hopquarl reveal or the Tower scene but 1. this is the first time we see him in YEARS GOD BLESS, the heavenly gates opened and a choir of angels is singing 2. we saw him again after he technically died. Also back when he and Bart didn’t loathe each other so that’s very flavorful. We also find out that Faquarl’s aesthetic is a nice contrast to Bart’s “gotta keep it sleek and sexy at all times” in the way of “purposefully ugly and very proud of it because fuck human beauty standards”.

Plotting in the quarry: 10/10

My Bartquarl-shipping self ascended during that scene. We got a break from the usual strained relationship that is frenemies-who-also-have-a-sort-of-sexual-tension-with-each-other and see them be actual allies. There’s shittalking magicians, agreeing on that your workmates are idiots and chilling together - and let’s not forget mutual recognition coming from Bartimaeus! In the words of Mo’nique, “I would like to see it”.

Saving Bartimaeus: 6.5/10

Short but sweet. Faquarl pops out of nowhere and thus saves Bart from being eaten by one extremely pissed marid. “Don’t tell anyone, I got a reputation to uphold” is Faquarl speech for “you’re more than welcome”. Bickering and the enforcement of the point that yes, Faquarl could effortlessly wipe the floor with Bartimaeus if it ever came to a full-blown fight and Bart wouldn’t swindle his way out of it. 

Fighting the Edomite magicians + meeting Asmira: 7/10

Once again, nice contrast of Bartimaeus’s aesthetic and Faquarl’s. Kills more Utukku than Bart and thus wins the #1 medal for that melée - but also again is wounded. Doesn’t miss a single beat about voicing his desire to simply do as any good spirit would and eat Asmira, which, yeah, let’s not kill our deuteragonist, but also... I get his mindset so let’s gloss over that one. Brief monologue about the Evils Of Humanity and “I hate Earth, it all deserves to burn” which shows that Faquarl has been on his shit for quite a while and I have a lot of respect for that even though by that definition we are all Evils of Humanity. 

Gaining freedom: 5/10

A little short but beggars can’t be choosers. We find out that he has been pestering Bart about not killing Asmira for hours past hours past hours and honestly? That’s so on-brand. Drag his essence. Then he gets freed properly (unlike Bartimaeus) but not before he sees all the nasty things his master has been up to in his torture/sex dungeon. “Faquarl was gone. Faquarl was free.” like an absolute legend. We also get his name before he was Faquarl of Sparta, to which the URL of this very account is referring to. It’s also the last time we see him in the book and we’re only halfway in so :/

But, as we all know, hope dies last and maybe we’ll come across his canon self once again to see and rate more scenes.