#so far the hardest part is how to keep the Willy stuff on track

[nat-without-a-g]

I went haha if paeden was in season 2 things would have gone sooo different and my brain replied how different and now I’m making a Paeden’s homonculus body is allowed to grow up and he joins DADDIES au.

[taeheyhey]

Supposition

(Requested - Please enjoy anon!) 

Jhope x f! Reader - Angst/Fluff 5.2K words

Your leg jiggled nervously as the subway made it’s way closer and closer to your destination. It had been seven months since you had started dating Hoseok. You knew it was hardly accurate to call it dating, considering that you had only actually met in person four times, such was the difficulty he faced attempting to maintain a relationship while in the public eye, and each time you had met you felt as nervous as you had the first time.

It was oftentimes still so surreal to you, the fact that he had chosen you. You would pinch yourself when no one was looking, sometimes literally.

You were mostly only able to communicate with each other on the phone. There was the very occasional video call, and the odd flurry of exchanged text messages, but for the most part, it was stolen phone conversations usually just before bedtime (his not yours).

Your conversations mostly started in pretty much the same way: him apologising for how long you’d not spoken for and you telling him sincerely that you understood and not to worry about it; him saying he wished he could see you in person and you fervently agreeing.

They tended to very much end in the same way too: with you trying your hardest not to tell him you loved him.

As each call ended you would congratulate yourself on resisting, laughing at yourself – embarrassed – once the urge had passed. You knew his life was complicated enough without starting to throw the l-word around willy-nilly, it was almost miraculous that the two of you had forged a relationship of any kind given the circumstances. To push your luck at this point would just be foolish.

You did though. Love him. And that was why you found yourself navigating the Seoul Metro towards his dorm unaccompanied for the first time, having made the decision to try and make the most of your time together by arriving two days early to surprise him.

Shortly after you arrived at the building, the concierge had eyed you with suspicion as he spoke on the phone to notify the dorm's occupants of their unexpected visitor, not really believing you were there for legitimate purposes until Hoseok had strode across the vast marble floor of the lobby, offering him a small bow before dragging you towards the lifts.

As the doors slid shut he pulled you in to a brief but tight hug. “What are you doing here?” He asked in to the top of your hair.

“Surprise!” You managed to squeak out weakly before you were, as was almost customary at this point, overwhelmed by his proximity.

He released his hold on you, dropping a quick but tender kiss to your forehead before lacing his fingers through yours. “I wasn’t expecting you until Saturday night, I’m not going to have very much free time.” His tone was apologetic but you knew you had run that risk when you’d decided to surprise him with an early arrival.

“That’s okay,” you assured him genuinely. “I just wanted to have a little more time with you. I understand how busy you are.”

He squoze his fingers around yours but his jaw remained set tight. “They’ve got us filming some stuff for our next comeback special next week, I’ll be rehearsing all day,” he explained. “I won’t be able to get away from the practice room very much at all until Sunday.”

He was speaking as though it would be unbearable to spend the day watching him in the dance studio, when the truth was you loved to watch him practice. The camera could never quite capture every minute detail he expressed when he danced, and you loved witnessing the passion and intricacy of his movements with your own eyes.

You had attempted to convince him of this to no avail later that evening, and he continued to insist you would have a far better time if you entertained yourself for the next day and a half, despite your protests. Still, you were absolutely beside yourself that he had managed to fit a hastily arranged dinner in to his schedule, even if alcohol was an absolute no-no and he had a strict self-imposed curfew of 9.30pm.

Your eyes dragged down the menu. “Well, if you’re not having beer surely you can have a little fried chicken,” you suggested, wiggling your eyebrows at him. You hated how harsh he was on himself when they had any sort of event or comeback approaching.

Hoseok lowered his menu and smiled humourlessly without meeting your eyes. “You know I have to be careful y/n, I’ve been really lax while we’ve been on break. I’m all puffy and I’m getting out of breath a lot quicker now. A ‘little fried chicken’ isn’t going to do me any good at all.” His brow furrowed as he continued to examine his options.

You rolled your eyes affectionately but decided not to press the issue. You knew that more often than not when his mood was poor it was usually due to him feeling nervous about something, and he had said many times how much pressure they were all feeling to live up to the success of their last comeback. You knew not to take it personally and tried to keep the conversation light and unchallenging for the rest of the meal in an attempt to ease his apprehension.

Once the meal was finished you headed through the kitchen to exit through the rear door of the building where you knew a car would be waiting for you both. The usual, well-practised arrangement was that he would climb in to the car first and, once you were sure the coast was clear, you would follow.

As soon as Hoseok was ensconced in the back seat of the car, you stepped out in to the alley behind the restaurant. You were about to walk around the back of the car to get in to the front seat (another precautionary measure to make it easy to pass you off as staff if you happened to be spotted), until you heard shrill voices from one end of the alley.

“J-Hope!”

“Oh my god, was that him?”

“Hobi!”

The shrieking stopped you in your tracks, and you saw the small group of girls begin to run towards the car excitedly. You panicked and stepped back in to the doorway out of view, gesturing emphatically to the chauffeur to drive away, wincing at the screeching of the tires and the smoke from the exhaust as he complied and made his hasty escape.

Confident that you hadn’t been spotted, and that your boyfriend was safely on his way home, you walked back through the restaurant and out through the front door to flag down a cab.

Lowering yourself in to the back seat of the taxi, you pulled out your phone and called Hoseok.

“Well that was an interesting end to the meal,” you announced jovially as he answered the call. You were well aware that typical dates didn’t usually end with a choreographed departure or any other kind of security precaution, but you didn’t mind.

For you, it provided an insight in to his world, a world that you had thus far been protected from due to the clandestine nature of your relationship. It may not be the most romantic of endings, but it somehow made you feel closer to him, the fact that you had to partake in some prescribed strategy in order to simply be out in public with the man you love.

He exhaled heavily, the breath leaving his lips causing distortion through the mic. “Are you okay, y/n? I hated having to leave you like that.”

He sounded tense, and your heart went out to him. It was stressful enough for you having to check around every corner and avoid any potential candid photo mishaps, and you had only had to deal with it for a few months. You couldn’t imagine how exhausting it must be for him and his band-mates having experienced that level of security for such a long time.

“Please don’t worry about me, I’m totally fine,” you assured him. “I think we got away with it too!” You were excited, the encounter sending a small dose of adrenaline through your system, and you knew it was blatant in your tone. “So, how do you want to celebrate? I’ve got a cab on it’s way to your dorm as we speak!”

There was a short pause before line became distorted again as another weary sigh left him. “I’m just a bit tired tonight, y/n. Do you think we could leave it until tomorrow now?”

Reluctant to cause any guilt, you tried to hide the disappointment in your voice as you agreed that yes, that was probably a good idea, and promised to bring him breakfast to the practice room tomorrow.

You knew that any pressure and difficulty you faced in your day-to-day life was relatively small in comparison to his. If you made mistakes you ran the risk of disappointing a handful of people at most; if Hoseok messed up in any way there was often considerably more at stake.

Swallowing your disappointment, you resolved to get an early night so you might look and feel your best the next day. You had waited months to be in his arms again, you supposed it couldn’t hurt to wait one more night.

~~~

You marvelled at the way his body moved. It never ceased to amaze you, the completely fluid yet somehow entirely precise movement of him. It was one of the many things found endlessly compelling – and occasionally intimidating – about Hoseok.

“Ah seriously, why can’t I get it right?”

His patience had blatantly been eroding with each backwards flip and, after ten minutes of attempting to perfect the same manoeuvre, it was clear to you how irritated he was becoming with himself. He strode to the wall of mirrors and lifted a small towel from the floor, still unfathomably graceful even with such an innocuous action.

He lifted the towel to dab at the perspiration at his temples and top lip before patting at the back of his neck, his chest heaving with exertion.

“You’re being too hard on yourself, Hoseok-ah,” a member of staff that you couldn’t place responded from across the dance studio. “Take five minutes and come back to it.”

It would have been near impossible for you to remember all the names of the various managers and choreographers assistants, there were just so many of them now. There were a few stylists you had grown close with over the months you and Hoseok had been together, but they tended to stay away from the rehearsal space unless there were cameras present for whatever reason.

He flopped down to sit on the floor beside you, and you passed his water bottle to him with an encouraging grin. “What is it you aren’t happy with? It seriously looked amazing,” you told him honestly.

He patted the top of your knee as he passed the now empty bottle back to you, returning your smile even though you noticed it didn’t quite meet his eyes. “Thanks y/n,” he replied dispassionately before standing and returning to his previous position in the centre of the room.

He bent forward and touched his fingertips to the floor, stretching out his muscles and folding his body over double before standing upright and pulling his arms across the front of his body in turn to limber up even more before turning to face you.

“Do you think you could go and get me a refill, y/n?”

You felt your blood rush to your cheeks, he had caught you staring again. You still gripped the empty bottle he had handed you between your fingers as you had became completely entranced and distracted by the strip of golden skin that became visible above the waistband of his tracksuit bottoms as he stretched his fingers up towards the ceiling.

“Uh, yes, of course,” you lifted yourself clumsily off the floor and struggled to correct your gait as you moved haphazardly closer to the door. “Sorry,” you muttered as you pulled it open.

You heard him sigh as the door clicked shut behind you. You made your way down the short corridor to the kitchen area and grabbed a fresh bottle of water out of the small refrigerator.

You didn’t really know how to handle Hoseok when he was so critical of himself. In all the time you had been together you seemed to spend an awful lot of your time simply being in awe of him, so much so it was almost exhausting at times. It was an entirely foreign concept to you how he could look at himself and see anything other than perfection.

You wished he could see himself the way you saw him. You adored everything about him. He was kind and clever and creative and charismatic and a million other incredible traits; yet he was always somehow convinced that he should go just a little bit further: write catchier songs; dance a little bit harder; sing a little better.

The problem was that, as much as you wanted to be able to help him, you knew that it was usually only the other members who could manage to talk him down when he was in that mood, and you were relieved to hear Jimin’s voice though the door of the practice room as you leant against it to push it open.

“That’s not really her fault though, is it hyung,” you heard Jimin say, causing you to stop in your tracks, leaving the door open just a crack so as not to alert them to your presence.

“I know that Jiminie, it’s just,” something about the way Hoseok sighed then caused an uneasy thrum begin in your chest. “I don’t know. Isn’t it much easier for you dating another idol, someone who actually understands the pressure we can be put under? Someone who gets that they can’t just show up unannounced and expect it to be okay?” You heard him sigh again, but his face was unreadable. “I just wish I had that sometimes.”

You didn’t hear Jimin’s response as the thrumming became a sinking feeling, and you blinked rapidly to prevent the tears that were threatening to build behind your eyes. As carefully and quietly as you were able, you placed the bottle of water just inside the room and fled to the elevator, desperate to escape should you hear other hurtful words that were not meant for your ears.

Hoseok had never said or done anything to make you feel like he was out of your league, and in all honesty you never truly thought that way either. You had always thought the two of you were in a secure and loving relationship and – despite his fame being a stark contrast to your own comparatively mundane existence – you had never been intimidated by the girls the group would often find themselves surrounded by or questioned your validity as his girlfriend.

Until that moment.

~~~

He had been going over the same part of the choreography over and over again. Wasn’t practice supposed to make perfect? He could feel his frustration bubbling to the surface as his muscles began to ache in protest.

Come on Hoseok-ah, you can’t stop until it’s perfect. Just do it right and you can go home.

Why did you have to choose that weekend to turn up early? Why did you decide to turn up at the dorm more or less unannounced just days before they filmed their segments for their comeback show?

Of course, there was no way of you knowing that when you arranged it, and it wasn’t exactly easy for you to get to Gangnam, your own commitments preventing you from doing so as often as either of you would like.

And now here you were. One of your few precious weekends together and you were sat cross-legged on the floor of a sweaty dance studio, watching him repeatedly fail miserably, when he should have been taking you out to nice restaurants and treating you in the way you deserve.

Not to mention his behaviour at dinner last night. He had been short with you and then he had left you in an alleyway while he fled in his fancy car. How could you possibly be fulfilled being with him when you had to adhere to so many rules and procedures? He felt sure that it must seem more like a job to you than a relationship. Aside from all that he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had acted like a jerk, and he wasn’t entirely sure that he would be able to suitably make it up to you given the amount of time he would need to dedicate to rehearsals over the coming days.

The feeling of impotence at the situation and his embarrassment at not being able to give you his full attention only compounded his frustration at his inability to perfect the back handspring, and as he patted away his perspiration with a towel he could barely look you in the eye.

He was grateful therefore, some minutes later when Jimin popped his head around the door to ask how his practice was going.

“Not great,” he replied. “And now y/n is here, and I’m just embarrassing myself in front of her and wasting what little time we have together. She’s probably wishing she had stayed at home.”

Jimin smiled warmly at him, strolling over and resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Don’t be silly hyung, you know she won’t be thinking anything like that. We all know how excited she gets when she visits, she practically bounces about the dorm,” he smiled again, removing his baseball cap and chucking it to the ground in order to help Hoseok with his practice. “It’s honestly tiring watching you together sometimes,” he complained good-naturedly.

Hoseok pushed him away jocularly and tutted, beginning the act of limbering up once more. “I know she doesn’t seem to get bothered by all this, she says that she knows it’s just part of it all. But,” he sighed and ran his fingers backwards through his hair to push it out of his eyes. “I just can’t help but feel like soon she’ll realise that the kind of relationship she can have with me just isn’t what she deserves. She just doesn’t have any idea how much pressure we can be under sometimes.”

“That’s not really her fault though, is it hyung,” Jimin reasoned in response.

Hoseok was always grateful for the advice of his friend and roommate, and the younger man’s sage advice often belied his youth. In fact, he had already discussed his intention to confess the depth of his feelings for you on your next visit with him, a conversation which resulted in his dongsaeng very enthusiastically telling him to go for it. Hoseok was well aware it was a rare thing indeed that the two of you shared, and he often thanked whichever gods were listening that you had appeared in his life, however unconventional your courtship may have been.

Conversely, Jimin had been in a covert relationship with another idol for quite some time now, and the level of empathy between them – due to their shared career and the perks and drawbacks that were part and parcel to it – usually lent itself well to both of them knowing instinctually when the other party needed encouragement; and when they needed space.

Hoseok knew it was ludicrous to compare your level of appreciation for his circumstances with that of a fellow idol, especially when the majority of the time he considered it a blessing. You were his escape from the madness that was his life, his calming sanctuary amidst the endlessly fatiguing stream of shows and music videos and practicing. He couldn’t remember ever hearing Jimin and his girlfriend talking about anything other than a broadcast they had done or a concert they had coming up, and on the few rare occasions that he and his band mates were “off the clock”, those were among the last things he wanted to talk about, and more often than not he felt a little sorry for them.

In his weaker moments however he craved that level of understanding.

The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt your feelings in any way, and if he'd have known you were standing close enough to hear him voice his concerns to Jimin, he would never have mentioned anything about it.

As it was you had heard him, and you were making your way back to your hotel room as quickly as you were able to pack up your things and leave Hoseok free to pursue the kind of relationship you believed he wanted.

And he had no idea.

~~~

The more time that passed the harder you berated yourself for your naivety. You had always thought that Hoseok was happy that you led a relatively normal life and you couldn’t believe you could have been so wrong.

You rubbed at your eyes with the heel of your hand and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, surrounded by the small selection of outfits you had excitedly unpacked before surprising Hoseok at his building.

You rummaged around for your phone underneath the pile of clothes to check how long you had to get to the station, the bright display blurry through your unshed tears. You felt your eyebrows knit together as you tried to focus on the screen.

He was trying to call you.

You inhaled deeply to steady your breathing before answering. The greeting that left you was croaky and weak despite your efforts, and you were in danger of bursting in to loud sobs when you heard the concern in his voice.

“Where did you go, y/n?” Hoseok seemed genuinely perplexed by your disappearance, and – if you didn’t now know a little bit better – you would swear he sounded upset about it.

“I’m at the hotel,” you managed to mutter between shaky breaths.

“Did something happen?”

Yeah, you broke my heart.

You wouldn’t do that to him though. You knew he had a lot to contend with in the coming weeks and you refused to make things any more stressful for him than you already had.

“I’m just gonna go home, okay? I just,” your voice fell quiet. “I really need to be at home.”

“I’m coming to you now, don’t go anywhere.”

“Hoseok, you don’t –”

“I swear to god, y/n if you leave before I get over there I am going to be so upset with you.”

You couldn’t honestly say how much time had passed between the end of the phone call and the hurried pounding on the hotel room door. All you knew was that your confusion had increased at least three-fold in that period and you had remained motionless still cradling your phone in your hands.

You finally made your way gingerly to the door and opened it a fraction, just enough to see him standing in the corridor out of breath and with a frantic look in his eyes.

“Are you going to tell me what happened or –,” he stopped in his tracks as he made out the puffiness of your eyes barely visible through the crack between the door and frame. His voice softened. “Y/N, let me in.”

“You don’t need to do this Hoseok,” you began, closing the door a little more to reduce how much of your distress you were showing to him, both for his sake and for the sake of your dignity. “It’s easier if we just leave it.”

“Leave it?!” His voice went two octaves higher than usual and he looked surprised at his volume only for a moment before pressing his hand to the door and pushing gently. “What are you talking about?” He stumbled in to the room, caught off balance as you stepped back from the entry way.

Again you considered how unfair it was of him to still be so attractive even while clumsily trying to regain his equilibrium, and you heaved out a deep sigh as you steeled yourself against the hurt beginning to sit heavy on your chest as you already began to feel the loss of him.

“I shouldn’t have come here, you’re already dealing with so much without me just turning up and complicating things even more.” You made you way over to the bed and began folding your clothes and shoving them in to your bag, grateful for any action that may distract Hoseok from seeing the hurt in your eyes.

“Am I supposed to know where this is coming from, or are you going to fill me in?” He appeared to be genuinely bewildered, and you paused to better take in his expression.

You wondered why he was playing dumb when it seemed obvious to you that he didn’t want you around. “Are you joking?”

“Are you?”

You stood in silence for a few moments, you with your arms folded across your chest and he with his hands on his hips. His incredulity seemed sincere and, as you piled the final remnants of your clothes in to your holdall and zipped up the bag, you thought for a moment that there may have been a glassiness to his eyes accompanying his bewildered tone.

He took a deep breath. “All I know is, one minute you’ve gone to get water and the next you’ve vanished! Me and Jimin looked all over for you.”

Your patience was beginning to wear thin. Why was he making you drag this out? If he didn’t want you there, why wouldn’t he just let you leave? “I’m surprised either of you bothered trying to find me after your little chat. Why didn’t you just have Jimin’s girlfriend call one of her band mates for you instead?”

There was a pause as realisation began to dawn, the gradual comprehension clear on his face. “You heard us talking?” It was somehow a question and a statement all at once.

“I heard you talking,” you confirmed, lifting the large carrier on to your shoulder.

He looked lost. “Y/N, I...”

“Don’t bother, okay. Don’t try and sugar coat it or soften the blow or anything like that.” You couldn’t bear to hear his excuses or even any apologies, it would hurt too much to hear him explain your relationship away.

“Are you crazy?” He spoke so softly that he was barely audible.

“I guess I must have been. Don’t worry Hoseok, you won’t hear from me again. I’m truly sorry for any upset I caused you.” At that, you strode past him, summoning every ounce of strength you had to push down on the handle of the door.

You felt slender fingers close around the wrist of your free hand. “It’s not how it sounded, y/n, I don’t know exactly what you heard but...” His words didn’t slow you down or give you pause, and his frustration was evident as he pulled back on your arm. “I love you, you idiot!”

“Don’t...what?” You suddenly felt as though you were under water, and everything appeared to be happening in slow motion as you relinquished your hold on the door handle.

“Ah you’re so stupid, y/n.” His voice was filled with so much warmth and he looked so scared that it was near impossible not to succumb to the urge to hurl yourself in to his arms.

“You might want to stop calling me stupid if you want me to put the bag down,” you managed after regaining your composure.

He walked towards you and took the bag from your grasp, placing it on the floor while simultaneously pushing the door closed over your shoulder. He gripped the top of your arms and rubbed soothing circles with his thumbs, moving his face close to yours to meet your eyes. “Y/N, I promise you I don’t want anybody else. I’ve been second-guessing everything. If you feel the same; if you’d be happier with someone else with a less...unusual job.” He spread his hands out in front of him, and you could see how helpless he looked. It was so bizarre for you to see someone as breath-taking as Hoseok seem so unsure of himself. “I should have just been concentrating on showing you that I love you.”

“You love me?” You asked the question even though the moment that he told you you believed him wholeheartedly.

“I’ve been so scared to tell you, I know we haven’t really spent that much time together but – why are you laughing?”

“I guess I’m not the only idiot here,” you said by way of explanation, although it only served to make Hoseok look more confused. In an effort to clarify your words, you stretched up on your toes and wrapped your arms around his neck, placing a sweet kiss to his lips. “I love you, too.”

His eyes widened for a moment before a broad smile graced his features, and he cradled your face in his hands and suddenly pressed his lips to yours. The force of the kiss sent you both stumbling towards the door until your back was pressed to it and Hoseok’s firm body was flush to yours, the feel of him causing a soft moan to leave you, muffled against his lips.

He smiled in to the kiss before breaking it, gazing in to your eyes before putting on his famous aegyo voice. “Ah, you love me! Y/N loves Hobi!”

You knew he was teasing you, and you laughed despite the abrupt and unwelcome shift in mood. “Shut up and kiss me again,” you practically panted as you pushed him back towards the bed before climbing to sit on his lap, your legs either side of his toned thighs. You slanted your mouth over his, delighting in the sensation of his fingers gripping in to the soft flesh at your hips before he dragged them upwards, pulling your top from the waistband of your jeans as he did so and pressing the warmth of his palms to stroke up your back up to drag you closer to him. You grasped the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head, not bothering to conceal how the sight of his toned chest made your mouth water.

You felt yourself weaken in his arms as he licked in to your mouth to stroke his tongue along yours, and he easily manoeuvred your bodies so he was hovering above you, allowing him to take control of the situation as he continued to kiss you deeply.

Suddenly, he broke the kiss as though he had been electrocuted and looked down at you apologetically before leaping backwards off the bed and pulling his shirt back on.

Your heart clenched as you presumed he must be regretting his confession, and you sat up to lean on your elbows, steeling yourself in an attempt prepare for whatever he would say next. Maybe he had just been trying to soften the blow after all. “It’s okay Hoseok, I know it’s complicated right now – ”

He pulled you to sit upright, meeting your eyes fiercely when he spotted your concerned expression. “I love you y/n, please believe me.”

You waited a moment to take in the sincerity on his face, before you nodded and smiled as he pressed his forehead against yours. “I believe you.”

“Good,” he replied, kissing you firmly once more. “But right now I need to go. I’ve left Jimin in the car.”