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ravenforce · 5 years

Text

I’ll Never Love Again

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Word Count: 8023

Warning/s: Long AF, angst + fluff = FLUNGST

A/N: Hey loves, sorry it took awhile. I had an uncontrollable word vomit, lmao. First, I think you can read this one as a stand-alone but I recommend reading See You In A Minute first if you haven’t. I’ve put the link above if you wish to read that one too. Second, thanks @subjectx17 for collaborating with me and giving me so many good ideas. You’re an awesome another mother for our child, LOL. Third, italicized texts are flashbacks. Fourth, I apologize for any error. Lastly, this is the longest imagine I’ve ever written, I hope you guys don’t get bored. Please send me your feedback, reactions, etc. On the comment section or my ask box. Would really love to hear from you guys! Enjoy. xx

Part One | Part Three | Alt. Ending: Part 3B1

Wish I could, I could’ve said goodbye I would’ve said what I wanted to Maybe even cried for you

If I knew it would be the last time I would’ve broke my heart in two Tryin’ to save you

Day 1 - April

After the funeral, Natasha decided to go back to your shared apartment in the city, against Tony’s advice. She wanted nothing more than not to be alone with her thoughts right now but she needed a space to be able to break down completely. That’s yet another sign for Natasha that you’re really gone, gone with you is her safe space. As a spy, she was trained that emotions are weakness, and showing them is deadly but you provided her a space to express it without judgment, only care and support. She knows she has the best team in the world, and no matter what they will be there for her but no one can make her feel utterly, completely safe than you.

She took a deep breath before pushing the apartment door open. She didn’t open the lights, the room is illuminated enough by the city outside. She leaned most of her weight against the door as she took in the details of the house. She is immediately assaulted by the memory of your first day living in it.

It was a bright and sunny spring day when you finally moved into the apartment. You and Natasha stood at the threshold as you both looked at your open layout apartment. The space is small compared to your shared room in the compound, the floors are old wood, the walls certainly needed repainting but the huge windows are glorious; it bathes the whole room with sunlight. Natasha eyed you curiously, wondering whether you regret moving out. You turned to look at her, and her doubts vanished the moment she saw the excitement in your eyes.

Before she can say anything, you pulled her in a hug and picked her up. “Y/N put me down,” she warned. When you put her down, you didn’t pull away from her. Instead, you looked her deep in her eyes and smiled.

“Sorry, I’m just really happy,” you said. “I mean there’s a lot to work with here but this is ours. Our home,” you continued before you’re kissing her. She kissed you back with the same passion that tells you she’s happy too.

True there were things that needed repair in the apartment but you both loved putting in the work. The first few days after you moved in was hectic, you and Natasha decided to repaint the whole apartment in malted milk shade and varnish the old wood floor to give its shine back. Both of you enjoyed shopping for furniture immensely, having the affinity to the same style made it easier. It took nearly a week before all the furniture - the long leather couch, center and side tables, the carpets, kitchen appliances, and most especially the softest queen size bed - was delivered. You two stood by the door to survey the new face of your apartment.

“Welcome home beautiful,” you said as you wrap your arms around her shoulder.

She didn’t even try to stop the tears that run down her face and the sobs that escaped her lips. The apartment reeks of you; every corner, every piece of furniture hold a memory of you. But without you in it, it’s just a structure because you were her home, you always have been. That night, she cried herself to sleep while clutching your pillow and dreamt of the day she first met you.

***

You just got back from a tech convention in Europe and was eager to see your best friend Tony. When you arrived at Stark Industries everyone smiles and greets you, except for the new girl sitting by Pepper's old desk, which means she's a new secretary. Your breath caught the moment she looked up at you. She has the most beautiful eyes, albeit she's glaring at you.

"I need to see Stark," you said smiling broadly at the new girl.

"Name," she said very seriously, your smile faltered.

"(Y/N)(L/N)," you answered confidently. She stopped and looked at her computer before she looked back at you and said, "you don't have an appointment."

You blinked up at her. You never needed an appointment to see Tony ever but this woman, Natalie Rushman (as her desk plate says) has the audacity to stop you. You just came from a long flight, you're jet-lagged and exhausted. You decided to try patience one more time.

"Okay, but I still need to see Stark," you said as calmly as you could.

"Sorry, I can book you an appointment for tomorrow if you like," she said smugly. You gaped at her. Your patience is wearing thin.

"No, I need to see him now," you said before turning on your heels and walking to Tony's door.

In an instant, Natalie was beside the door with fire in her eyes and deeper frown. You tried to move past her and grab the doorknob but she caught your wrist. You frowned at contact; as much as you find her unbelievably gorgeous, you don't like it when strangers touch you.

"Unhand me, Ms. Rushman," you whispered while looking at her beautiful hand.

"Or what?" she asked.

You looked up at her eyes in defiance, you tried to turn the knob but she forcibly twists your wrist, flips you on your back and pin you with her body on the floor. The sound of your body hitting the floor and your grunting made Pepper poke her head out. She's confused when she saw you on the floor.

"What's going on here?" She asked as she steps out of the room and Natalie got off you.

"Hey, P. Uhm, I just wanted to see Tony," you said as you give her a hug.

"Go on in, he's been waiting for you," Pepper said after Natalie released you. Natalie was still glaring at you when you looked at her before entering Tony's office. Natalie sighed when you closed the door.

"You threw Y/N on the floor," it was more a statement than a question. Natalie just looked at Pepper as she started cackling, it was infectious that she just had to smile.

"She's Tony's honorary little sister and best friend. She has level 10 clearance even before I did," Pepper informed Natalie. She just nodded her head partially in agreement, and partially to hide her blush.

Inside Tony's office, he berated you for being late. "I'm sorry but your new secretary is tenacious," you said as you sat on the chair in front of his desk.

"That never stopped you before," Tony remarked.

"Yeah, all your other secretaries all found me charming. This one seems immune," you said smiling.

"That's why I hired her," he sassed making you roll your eyes at him.

Don't wanna feel another touch Don't wanna start another fire Don't wanna know another kiss No other name falling off my lips

Day 2 - April

Natasha woke up with the early morning with the sun beating down her face. She blinked once, twice before she’s shutting her eyes again, unable to stand the sunlight. She rolled over and reached to your side of the bed, her heart constricted when she felt nothing but cold sheets. In an instant, her eyes started to water again. You rarely leave her in bed no matter how early you’re pulled out of sleep because you know how much she hates waking up with cold sheets, so you stay next to her and watch her beautiful face as she sleeps.

You woke up earlier than Natasha the day after you moved in. You watched her sleep peacefully next to you. Devoid of the weight of the world on her shoulder she looks younger, yet still devastatingly beautiful. Even in her sleep, Natasha has you wrapped around her exquisite and skillful fingers. You reached out to tuck an errant hair out of her face gently.

'I love you, Tasha," you whispered before you caught the first rays of sunlight peeking through the curtain.

You decided you wanted to do something special for her, so you slowly and gently rolled out of your bed to make her breakfast. You gathered all the ingredients and tools you need in the kitchen as quietly as you could so as not to disturb her sleep. You're making her pancakes and bacon, her favorite. You arranged the food in a tray with coffee, orange juice, and fresh fruits. When you turned around you were surprised to see her standing on the other side of the counter and scowling at you.

"Good morning, beautiful," you greeted with a smile but she didn't return it.

"What's wrong my love?" You asked when she just continued to look at you.

"You left me, the sheets got cold," she said with a pout on her face. You would have laughed at the silliness of it but that'll only make her mood worse. You walked around the counter and pulled her in a hug. You half expected her to push you away but she didn't.

"I'm sorry. I promise I won't ever leave you in our bed again," you said kissing her temple. She just squeezed you in response before she's reaching for a bacon strip.

She was pulled out of her miserable state when she heard someone knocking on the front door. She was inclined to ignore it but whoever was on the other side was persistent.

"Come on, Nat. It's me, open up," Tony's voice called out.

Natasha wiped the tears on her eyes and face before hauling herself out of bed. When she opened the door, Tony took one look at her before pushing his way inside. Only when Tony started unpacking various boxes of food on the counter did she actually noticed them. When Natasha joined him on the counter, he spun around and tugged her on a hug.

"I know it hurts but I promised her I'll look after you. So please, let's try to eat; Pepper and Morgan made these," Tony said against her hair.

Nat blinked away the tears that gathered in her eyes again to eat. They ate in relative silence, Tony tried to engaged her with talks of works, of Morgan, which she only listened to intently. After eating, Tony forced her to go shower while he makes tea so they can watch a movie after. When Nat walked back out on the living room in one of your hoodies, Tony is already on the couch with a steaming cup of tea from your favorite tea set and flipping through one of your photo album.

Nat sat down heavily beside him, and watch as he flips through the pages. Tony has a sad smile on his face. He was the brother you never had. He believed in your genius when everyone doubts, he provided you the agency to explore and create at Stark Industries, he guided and molded you to be the successful woman you were. He flipped another page in the album and runs his finger over a photo of you smiling with the team.

"If you know how it ends, would you prefer she never joins the team?" Tony said as he blindly looks at your photo. It’s been a recurring thought in his head; if he never recruited you, would you still be alive now?

"No," Nat said, her voice cracking. "If it means I never get to love her, no.”

Don't wanna give my heart away To another stranger Or let another day begin Won't even let the sunlight in No, I'll never love again I'll never love again, oh, oh, oh, oh

Day 31 - May

It has been a month since she lost you but Nat felt like it has been forever. She felt numb every day without you by her side but today she woke up determined to try and do something other than get up, binge watch mindless TV, and sleep. She showered, got dressed in her best shirt and your leather jacket, and head to SHIELD HQ. Signature poker face in place, she walked in and ignored the looks some agents gave her and went directly to the command center where Fury and Agent Hill is.

"Natasha," Agent Hill greeted in surprise. Fury turned towards her.

"I want to go back to work," Nat answered simply.

"Is that what you think is best?" Fury asked before turning back to the monitors displaying an on-going mission. The atmosphere in the room is thick and intense.

Natasha casts her eyes on the monitor and was brought back to the time she had to watch your first mission from HQ instead of being in the field with you.

One minute they're watching your first mission with Tony on the monitors at the compound, now the screen's are pitch black. She can hear Agent Hill trying to reach you and Tony but all that can be heard on the line was static. Natasha is growing agitated by the minute, she's waiting for Fury to order her to suit up but it didn't come.

"Director, shouldn't we be sending back up?" Steve asked.

"Stand down, Agent (Y/L/N) and Stark can handle themselves," Fury said before walking away.

It's been hours since they last had contact with your team. To hell with Fury, Natasha thought. All she can think about was finding you and get you home safely. It's been almost a year since she first met you at Stark Industries, and she couldn't admit to herself that she has fallen for you. If she's being honest, how could she not?

You're a genius just like Tony but low-key, you're funny, caring, and beautiful if not a little annoying sometimes. You seemed to have developed an affinity of pushing her buttons, and being a general pain in her ass. She wasn't really annoyed though, she just doesn't want you to know that you're stupid nerdy jokes gets through her. She doesn't want you to know that she's falling for you because that's against her training as an assassin. Love is for children after all.

After another hour, Nat couldn't take it anymore. She stood up abruptly and was walking towards the door when Steve caught her arm.

"Where are you going?" Steve asked without letting her go.

"I'm going to find them," Nat answered, her blood boiling by the minute.

"Fury said," Before Steve can finish, Nat cut her off.

"Fuck what Fury said! It's been hours, Steve! For all we know, (Y/N) could be hurt or worse, dying out there and needed our help!" she shouted. The Avengers bristled at Nat's rare and blatant display of emotion.

"Agent Romanoff, miss me?"

She turned around on the spot so fast, she had whiplash. Standing at the threshold of the command center is you with minor injuries and dirty titanium suit. You smiled cheekily at her; Nat lost it with that smile. She power walked towards you with a fire burning in her eyes. Before you can say anything else, she had her hand at the back of your neck and her lips against yours. You smiled at the kiss before you closed your eyes and kissed her back.

"Agent Romanoff," Nat heard Maria call her. She blinked once, twice to clear away the memory. When she looked at Maria, she saw the concern in her eyes.

"Take a few more weeks before going back to work, Natasha," Fury said without looking back from the monitors. Natasha wanted to argue but she didn't have the energy to do so. So she just nods, smiles at Maria before walking away.

Meanwhile, at Stark Industries; Tony walked in on your lab for the first time since. He walked around your very tidy lab, reminiscing all the nights both of you spent there inventing things, fixing things, sometimes even blowing up things. He was leafing through some of the papers you left on your table when he came across your last unfinished project.

He gasped when he realized what it is. Oh, Y/N you little genius, he thought.

He turned around the lab and found what he was looking for. He looks through the glass and the little vials you kept for your project. He looked through your notes again, he can finish it. He will finish this project for you, he will finish your legacy.

When we first met I never thought that I would fall I never thought that I'd find myself Lying in your arms And I want to pretend that it's not true Oh baby, that you're gone 'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning And I'm not moving on

Day 61 - June

Tony moved your lab next to his at the cabin, it has four glass walls that allow him to see through. Sometimes he finds himself staring at the adjacent door and waiting for you to walk in with your favorite cup of coffee, and nerdy sweaters. It's been a week since he made the discovery of your last project, with minor changes in your computation, FRIDAY deemed a 99% success rate should Nat decides she wants it. Pepper walked in at the lab with a cup of coffee, Tony accepted it with a smile. Pepper sat next to him while he looks at the vial cabinet.

"If this works, it'll be groundbreaking," Tony said as he blows over his coffee.

Pepper just nods, she knows your a genius just like Tony and she's seen you invent technologies with him before but this is a breakthrough in genetics. "You should call Nat," Pepper whispered.

"I should," he answered before pulling his phone out and dialing Nat's number. It took a couple of rings before Nat picked up.

"Stark, everything all right? Morgan all right?" she asked. It warms Tony's heart that Nat cares so much for his daughter. Pepper left a kiss on his forehead before leaving the lab to give them some privacy.

"Yes, she's peachy. I need you to come to the cabin though," Tony answered. Something about his tone makes Natasha worried.

"I'll be there in a few hours," Nat said before hanging up.

An hour after, Nat arrived at the cabin. She held off all her questions and just followed Tony out back where she knows Tony's lab is. She was surprised to see the lab expanded, but was floored when they walked inside; adjacent to Tony's lab is your lab, just like how she remembered it. Even your ridiculous sign - do not disturb, unless you're my girlfriend Natasha - was still up at your door.

"You should sit down for this," Tony said mentioning for your chair. Nat raised an eyebrow at him, her heartbeat is becoming erratic.

"What's happening Stark?" she asked as she sits on your working chair.

"I found Y/N's last project," Tony paused handing Nat your notebook. She opened it but none of it made sense to her, it's all notes and formulas.

"Y/N was developing a tech to help two women conceive without the need for a sperm donor," Tony said with a pause to let it sink it. Nat gasped as she remembered.

"Hey, how many children do you want to have?" You asked while spooning her in bed, after one particularly gruesome mission.

"Why would I want children? I already have you," Nat said before letting out a laugh.

"I'm serious," you whined while pouting over her shoulder and biting her gently. She turned lightly in your arms to look at you.

"Fine, just one. The two of you will be trouble together," she answered when she saw the serious look in your eyes. You beamed at her answer.

"You bet," you said before you're peppering her face with kisses. Nat squealed and squirmed against your arms but she couldn't move away, you have your arms secured around her midsection.

"She'll be beautiful just like a mini you," you continued as you settle down and cuddled her again. You have a goofy smile on your face as you imagine a little redhead running around your apartment, jumping on your bed on early Saturday mornings to beg you to go to the park.

"I bet she'll be a nerd like you," Natasha teased. You just laughed, there's a huge chance she would be, and you would love nothing more than to geek out with your daughter or show her your lab or go to science conventions together.

"I finished it," Tony's voice cut through the haze in Nat’s head. It took a couple of seconds before she actually processed what has been said.

"It didn't take long, Y/N basically had everything right. The only question now is if you want it," Tony continued. She wanted to say something but at that moment she was gripped and overwhelmed by pain and terror. Tony walked to where she's seated and he rubbed soothing patterns at Nat's back to calm her down.

"Breath, Nat," he said calmly. When her breathing came back to normal she looked at Tony.

"No pressure Nat, it's your decision."

"I'll do it," she confirmed after a heartbeat. Tony nodded and pulled her in a hug.

Don't wanna feel another touch Don't wanna start another fire Don't wanna know another kiss No other name falling off my lips Don't wanna give my heart away To another stranger Or let another day begin Won't even let the sunlight in No, I'll never love

Day 122 - August

After the fertilization process, Nat agreed with Pepper and Tony begging her to move in the cabin. Tony built her an extension, a complete duplicate structure of the cabin with the kitchen and the living room as the center and common room to both cabins. Nat left the apartment in the city intact but moved your valuables at the cabin. She liked living with the Starks, it keeps the loneliness at the minimum. Morgan helps her stir clear from dark thoughts by keeping her occupied on a daily basis.

It has been two months since the Starks helped Nat conceiving, and they just finished breakfast when she suddenly felt overwhelmingly nauseous. She wanted to go to the bathroom but it's a little too far, her vision is blurring, and the need to puke was incessant. She threw up violently at the kitchen sink, Pepper was behind her and holding her hair in an instant. Pepper caught Tony's eyes across the room.

"Daddy, is Auntie Nat okay?" Morgan inquired.

Tony smiled at her daughter. "Yes sweetheart, she probably just hates daddy's toasts," he joked.

Morgan bought it. "It's rather burnt daddy," Morgan answered before Tony walked to a cabinet. He the kit to Pepper.

When her heaving passed, Nat rinsed her mouth and drunk the pro-offered water from Pepper. Pepper smiled before she deposited the kit in front of her. She looked at it wearily, Pepper can see the fear in her eyes.

"Come on, I'll come with you," Pepper said. They went to the bathroom in Nat's room. It took a couple of minutes before she came back out with a dazed look on her face.

"It worked," she said as she looks at Pepper.

"Oh, Nat! Congratulations," Pepper said as she wrapped Natasha in a hug. Nat collapsed in her arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Pepper guided their bodies on the floor. She held Natasha as she cried buckets of tears.

"We're supposed to have this baby together but she's gone," Nat said between hiccups and tears. "Now, I'm having her on my own," she continued.

Pepper doesn't have the words to console her friend, nothing gets past the Black Widow's defenses but you did. Natasha gave you her heart, her trust and in return you showed the Black Widow that love is not a weakness but strength. You are her best friend, her partner, her family and she lost you while the world regained theirs. It was unfair and Nat tried so hard not to be angry and bitter but she is, even for a little bit. Pepper doesn't know how much time passed before Nat's tears subsided.

"It's so unfair, P. Y/N should be here, she deserves to be here," Nat whispered before she closed her eyes and fell asleep in Pepper's arms.

Tony came up and found them on the floor. He helped Pepper put Nat on her bed and tuck her in. Pepper sighed, she's never seen Nat this devastated. Tony kissed his wife before attending to the person who's knocking on their front door. When he got downstairs, Morgan already opened the door to a familiar face.

"Danvers," he greeted. Carol just smiled at him.

***

Two hours later, Nat woke up with dried tear tracks on her cheeks. Then she remembered what happened, she turned towards the side table and saw the PT with glaring double lines on it. She stood up and walked towards the balcony overlooking the growing willow tree outside. She smiled seeing a familiar blonde head standing in front it, hand carefully placed on the trunk of the tree. She walked down the stairs, crept silently outside, and watched Carol from a few feet away.

"Your crush can be seen from outer space, and Y/N still missed it," Nat teased. Carol chuckled, caressing the trunk of the tree before turning towards Nat. Nat smiled at the Captain before walking towards her and pulling her in a hug.

"Y/N only had eyes for you," Carol said but without bitterness.

Carol came as soon as he heard the tech works. Why? She doesn't really know why. They sat against the trunk of the tree, overlooking the lake.

"That's not true. Remember that stupid party Tony threw after the snap?" Nat asked.

"Yeah, a futile attempt to lift everyone's spirit," Carol said putting air quotes on the attempt. Nat let out a full unadulterated laugh. Carol smiled, this might as well be the first time Nat laughed for a while.

"Yeah, I got really jealous that night," Nat admitted after her bouts of laughter. Carol gaped at her.

After finding out that there's nothing they could to reverse the snap and killing Thanos, Tony decided to hold his usual party. It's marginally lowkey compared to any parties he ever threw, then again half of the population is gone and everyone is still adjusting. The team is dispersed in every corner of the room, talking quietly with each other. You on the other hand, simply sat on the bar, sipping your favorite bottle of beer and watching the crowd. The usual upbeat energy when the team gathers is now subdued.

You were lost in thought that you didn't hear someone coming up behind you until they cleared their throat to speak.

"Hey Y/N," Carol greeted you with a smile.

You turned around and pulled Carol in a long hug. "Hi, alien girl," you can't help but tease. You know she's not really an alien but you adored that nickname, and only you are allowed to call Carol that. You gave her a kiss on the cheek before pulling away but not entirely stepping away from her comfort zone while you started chatting.

From across the room, Natasha watched the two of you covertly. Something about the way Carol smiles, laugh, and look at you makes her skin crawl. She had to fight the urge to come up to the two of you and kiss you senseless in front of Carol. Various members of the team come up to you and Carol to chat, Nat just stayed back and watched. Then it clicked, Carol has a crush on you and you're oblivious.

It took a good two more hours from the moment she figured Carol's crush before everyone called it a night. Nat went to your shared room without you, you didn't really mind. You thought she might be sleepy, Nat really isn't the party kind of person. So when you entered the room and found her standing by the window. You tried chatting her up and telling her all about Carol's stories about space.

"If you're that interested, maybe you should be with her," Nat said before she can stop herself. That stopped you on your track to the closet.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You asked clearly confused.

"You deserve someone like Carol," Nat said, poker face in place. You gritted your teeth. You entered your room happy to see your friends, now you're confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"I see the way you look she looks at you. You deserve someone like Carol; strong, beautiful, and good," she answered. Putting emphasis on good.

You deflate when you realized what's happening. You walked up to her slowly as not to startle her. You cupped her face and waited for her to look at you. When she did, you smiled.

"Natalia Alianova Romanova, I want you," you assured her. "And I chose you, I'll choose you in a heartbeat, over and over again. No questions asked."

You leaned in to kiss her forehead, her nose, both her cheeks and her lips. She can't help but smile a little. She knows you're telling her the truth, she can read you best.

You pulled inches away from her lips. "Jealous is very unbecoming of the black widow," you said and she smacked your arms playfully. And just like that, the tension is gone and your Natasha is back.

"Nat," Carol whispered. She felt bad, she never wanted to get in the way of your relationship. She values your honor as much as she values hers to put you in a compromising situation. She still wants to apologize even for simply harboring feelings for you.

"It's okay, I don't blame you. Y/N is a beacon of light in my life, you'll have to be stupid not to love her," Nat said as she reaches for Carol's hand. She’s way past being jealous and insecure, in the end they both lost you anyway.

"I miss her, Nat. I can't imagine how much worst it is for you," Carol admitted.

"Yeah but we survived the war, we have to survive this too," Nat said looking back to the lake without letting go of Carol's hand.

"Maybe life is more than just surviving," Carol said. "Especially now," she squeezes Nat's hand. Nat smiled. Maybe Carol's right.

"Will you visit more often? I like having you here. Tony can still be annoying," Nat said before looking back at Carol.

Carol chuckled before nodding, "I'd love to."

I don't wanna know this feeling Unless it's you and me I don't wanna waste a moment, ooh And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me I would rather wait for you, ooh

Don't wanna feel another touch Don't wanna start another fire Don't wanna know another kiss Baby, unless they are your lips

Day 274 - January

At 5 months pregnant, Nat kept being active to prevent herself from getting too heavy and too dependent on anyone else. She and the baby are generally healthy but the Starks are pulling all the stops to care for Nat. Tony bans her from doing heavy lifting, revoked her access to the gym without supervision, and puts her on a strict 8-hour sleep routine. Pepper cooks her healthy meals, sometimes teach her to cook as well. Every day, she hikes for an hour around the perimeter of the estate with Morgan and Pepper as well.

Sometimes, members of the Avengers come by the cabin to visit for a couple of days to catch up and check on everyone's general wellness. In the earlier days of her pregnancy, she would sometimes drive to see Clint's family. She kept in touch with Laura but she hasn't visited them again since she got pregnant. Today, Pepper and Nat decided to make a trip to Clint's family home with Morgan. Tony agreed it'll be great for everyone especially Morgan to meet other children.

When Pepper pulled up in front of Clint's house, Laura was already at the front porch waiting. When she saw Nat exit the vehicle, she ran towards her and immediately enveloped her in a hug.

"You are the prettiest pregnant woman I have ever seen," Laura said when she pulled back. Pepper chuckled.

"I told her that too," Pepper said. Laura hugged her too, they met a few times in the past.

"And you must be?" Laura asked as she caught Morgan's eyes from behind Pepper's legs.

"Morgan Stark, please to meet you," she whispered before shaking Laura's proffered hand.

Laura smiled and hauled them inside the house. Morgan was delighted to meet other children, albeit older than her. Everyone adored her, she's smart, polite, and very charismatic. The three women busied themselves with lunch while the Barton kids show Morgan around. After a sumptuous lunch at the front yard, the Barton's deemed teaching Morgan archery is the best way to let the afternoon past; Pepper volunteered to supervise.

"Do you think they can see us where they are?" Nat asked as she watches the kids play. Laura's watching her.

It's been 9 months since you and Clint gave up your life to save the world but the pain and the hole both of you left never ceased aching. If there's anyone in the world who understands Nat's pain it is Laura, they both lost the most important person in their lives and is forced to carry on without them.

"I really don't know Nat. I hope so," Laura answered as she turns towards her children. "Y/N is proud of you, that I'm sure of."

Nat didn't want to cry, again and especially in public. But she's pregnant, emotional, and hormonal; she couldn't help it. She didn't even bother wiping the fat tears rolling down her cheeks, soaking the sweatshirt she's wearing - your Harvard sweatshirt.

"I'm scared Laura. What if I'm not fit to be a mother?" she whispered loud enough for Laura to hear. It's been a recurring notion in her head, her greatest fear. Building a family together was something you wanted together, without you by her side, she's not sure if she's strong enough to do it.

"Shh. You know that's not true. Y/N knows you'll be great," Laura said as she pulled Nat for a hug.

"What if I'm not fit to be a mother? I'm an ex-assassin for goodness sake," Nat asked as you lie together in your bed, your head nestled at the crook of her neck.

"Don't be silly. You'll be amazing," you slur. The lone finger she has on your naked back, and her steady heartbeat lulling you to sleep.

"How can you be so sure?"

"You're great with Morgan, and the Bartons," you answered.

"And if you can tolerate Tony and I, you can do anything," you continued.

You both laugh at that. It's true, you and Tony are worst than children. She kissed the top of your head. The moment you felt her lips against your hair, you lifted your head from her neck, which made her immediately catch your lips.

"I can do anything as long as I'm with you," Nat said after she released your lips.

"I'll always be with you," you swore it in your head. You will or you'll die trying.

"Besides, you're not raising this child alone. You know you'll always have us," Laura tried to console her one more time as she wiped the tears in Nat's face.

When it was time to go the Bartons’ crowded the car to say goodbye to Morgan and everyone.

"Auntie Nat, can we come to see you when the baby is out?" One of the Barton kids asked.

Nat smiled genuinely at her, "of course, I would love that." Nat poked her head out of the window to kiss the top of her head.

Don't wanna give my heart away To another stranger Don't let another day begin Won't let the sunlight in Oh, I'll never love again Never love again Never love again Oh, I'll never love again

Day 365 - April

Yesterday, Carol, Thor, Bucky, Bruce, and Peter arrived at the cabin to remember you. Nat was overwhelmed when she woke up from her afternoon nap to find the team huddled in the kitchen having some drinks. Peter immediately pulled Nat for a side hug when he saw her enter the room. Nat couldn’t help but share his usual enthusiasm, it has been a while since they’re all gathered together anyway. Peter visits often but recently, his visits are few and far between because of school and working alongside Tony.

Today is the first anniversary of your death. Nat woke up extra early to start her daily routine of drinking her coffee and talking to you on the tree earlier than usual. She tiptoed down the stairs as silent as she could in her pajamas and your favorite leather jacket. The house is as still as daybreak, everyone seems to still be asleep. The sun has barely peaked out of the horizon, the sky still a mix of blues and violets when she stepped out of the cabin.

“Good morning, moya lyubov’,” she greeted the growing willow tree, one hand clasped around your favorite mug and the other flat on the tree’s trunk.

Nat stepped even closer to the trunk and leaned her forehead against it. She smiled a little when she felt the tree’s sturdiness against her head. You’ve always felt that way for her - strong and sturdy. You were a presence that’s always there to ground her, protect her, support her, and catch her. There under the shade of the tree planted with your ashes, she felt like you never left her.

“I still miss you every day,” she whispered.

It may have been a year, yes but she does miss you and think of you every day. There’s not a waking moment in which she does not wish that you’re still there with her, experiencing the miracle you created for her. She wishes you’re there every morning in your bed, cuddling her and rubbing her swollen belly. She wishes you’re there to caring for her every time your daughter pulls a tantrum inside of her. She wishes you’re there every night, with your head on her chest and telling your daughter stories about being an Avenger or biology, technology, and space.

“I wish you’re here to see her soon,” she said as she pulls away from the trunk.

The sun has fully risen now, bathing the trees and the lake in soft warm light. Ever since you died, Nat felt like a part of her died with you too but ever since she got pregnant she felt like she officially started healing. She will forever be impaired in a way by your loss but not only did you leave her a part of you; you’ve given her a chance to be whole again too. In your daughter, she found a reason to start living again. In your daughter, she found her purpose once more.

***

Nat took a couple of minutes more just to enjoy the warmth of the morning sun, the cool breeze and the stillness of the morning before she literally heard to whole cabin waking. She touches the trunk one more time before she turned on her heel to go back inside. She hasn’t taken more than 5 steps when she suddenly felt something wet dripping down her leg. Oh shit, she thought. She wanted to move or call for help but she was frozen by surprise.

Thankfully, Tony just stepped out of the porch. When they lock eyes, Tony immediately knew something was wrong. They’ve gotten really close this past year, leaning on each other when bouts of loneliness and missing you hits. In the earlier days after you passed, they’ve spent countless nights in the apartment drinking, eating takeouts, and sharing stories about you. They’ve spent more time together when Nat moved into the cabin and started the fertilization process where Tony tells her stories about your childhood as a way to entertain Nat in the table.

“What’s wrong?” he asked the moment he was by Nat’s side. Nat only looked at her feet, Tony followed her gaze.

“Oh shit,” Tony said just in time when Pepper and Carol came out of the porch looking for them.

“What’s wrong?” Pepper asked.

“Nat’s water already broke,” Tony answered while she guides Nat back to the porch. She’s not even due for at least a week more.

“I’ll take the car out,” Pepper said immediately.

“I’ll fly her. It’ll be faster,” Carol suggested.

That broke Nat out of her trance, there’s no way Carol Danvers is flying her to the hospital. They will look ridiculous. She would have laughed at the ridiculousness of it if she’s not terrified that if she does your daughter would suddenly pop out of her. She was just about to protest when she heard Tony gave Carol the clear. Carol didn’t even change out of her pajamas before she’s carrying Nat in a bridal carry.

“We will be there as soon as we can,” Tony said before Carol’s flying away. Nat immediately felt the change in the temperature as Carol fly her over to the city hospital.

“I swear I will murder you after this, Captain,” she said through the sound of swooshing air but Carol just laughed when she heard her.

Carol created a crater in front of the hospital when she landed, almost took the door off its hinges as she entered the emergency room and demanded someone to attend to Natasha. Even in her pajamas and windswept hair, Carol still exudes power and leadership; just like Steve used to. She has the kind of power in her voice that can persuade anyone to follow her. Nat was impressed but she couldn’t focus on anything else other than the painful contractions. The doctors were quick to check on her.

“Nurse, prep an OR. She’s ready to deliver,” the attending pediatric surgeon said after they checked on Nat.

****

Inside the operating room, Nat is experiencing the most excruciating pain she has ever had to go through in her entire life. Pain even worse than any torture she ever had to endure as a KGB agent. She’s covered in sweat, and tears are flowing down her face as the doctor instructed her to push one more time. She wished you were there holding her hand and murmuring soft words of love and assurance in her ears. She felt like she’s being torn apart from the seam, and inside out when she barely made out the doctor was saying.

“Almost there, one more push and she’s out,” the doctor said. Nat took one deep breath and pushed as hard as she could.

“She’s out,” the doctor exclaimed. Nat smiled and fell back down the bed when she heard your daughter’s first cry.

“Would you like to hold your baby?” The nurse asked.

Nat only smiled and nodded before the nurse is handing her the most precious little girl in the world. Nat was floored when she got a good look at your baby’s face.

“Hi beautiful,” she greeted the little miracle in her arms. Nat couldn’t stop the fresh bout of tears that ran down her face.

“You look so much like her,” she whispered to your baby before the nurse needed to take her away. She leaned back down the bed as the full force of delivering a baby caught up to her. She fell asleep almost immediately.

Nat woke up to an empty pristine white room, it was so white she had to shield her eyes to adjust to the brightness of the room.

“Hey beautiful,” she heard someone say beside her. She knew that voice, she would recognize that voice anywhere in a heartbeat. When she turned she was struck by two things. First, she couldn’t believe her eyes. After a year without seeing your face, there you are smiling at her again. Second, she was terrified and confused. If she’s seeing you, does that mean she’s already dead too?

“No, you’re not dead, silly,” you said as if you could read her mind.

“What’s happening?” Nat asked as she laces your fingers together.

“I don’t have much time. I just want you to know that I’m so proud of you,” you said before Nat’s bursting into tears again.

“I miss you so much Y/N,” she said between sobs. You sat down next to her bed and pulled her in a hug.

“Shh, you’re okay. You’ll be okay,” you kissed the top of her head just like you used to, she sighed heavily. “I miss you too, Tasha. I love you so much. Both of you,” you said before leaning down to kiss her lips. Nat closed her eyes.

***

Nat blinked her eyes open to a view of a plain white hospital room. She discreetly wiped her eyes of the tears she carried over from the dream world. Logically, she knows you’re not going to walk in on the door with your daughter in your arms but for a moment she closed her eyes and relished the feeling of momentary happiness that dream gave her. She was pulled out of her daydreaming when Thor, Bucky, Bruce, Peter, and Tony walked in your room talking excitedly.

Pepper and Morgan, along with a nurse pushing a crib quickly followed the team inside her room. In an instant, Nat is smiling and the room quieted. Morgan climbed in Nat’s bed and immediately gave her a hug, Nat hugged her back.

“Auntie Nat, she’s so cute,” Morgan whispered excitedly in her ears. Nat smiled wider.

“Just like you darling,” she answered. Morgan beamed and settled to sit next to her.

Tony picked the little miracle carefully from the crib and rocked her gently. Tony smiled at Nat from the center of the room.

“Nat, she’s beautiful,” Tony said before walking towards the bed and depositing the little angel in Nat’s arms.

“She really is,” Nat said as she admired her daughter’s little sleeping face.

“Have you decided on a name?” Carol asked smiling.

“Asya,” Nat answered simply.

Bucky chuckled, which made everyone turn to him. He smiled at Natasha.“It means resurrection in Russian,” Bucky answered the silent question.

Nat smiled and nodded at him before turning back to Asya. Everyone understood the choice, it’s fitting. Not only is Asya born on the day you died, she’s also a spitting image of you.

“Asya Romanova-Y/L/N,” Tony enunciated slowly. “Welcome home.”

Tag: @subjectx17 @natthisback @5aftermidnight

#raven writes #marvel imagine #mcu imagine #imagine #black widow imagine #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanov x reader #natasha romanova x reader #black widow x reader #black widow x you

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because-its-important · 6 years

Text

what’s the most annoying question to ask a nun* in 1967?

tl;dr - In 1967, a very long survey was administered to nearly 140,000 American women in Catholic ministry. I wrote this script, which makes the survey data work-ready and satisfies a very silly initial inquiry: Which survey question did the sisters find most annoying?

* The study participants are never referred to as nuns, so I kind of suspect that not all sisters are nuns, but I couldn't find a definitive answer about this during a brief search. 'Nun' seemed like an efficient shorthand for purposes of an already long title, but if this is wrong please holler at me!

During my first week at Recurse I made a quick game using a new language and a new toolset. Making a game on my own had been a long-running item on my list of arbitrary-but-personally-meaningful goals, so being able to cross it off felt pretty good!

Another such goal I’ve had for a while goes something like this: “Develop the skills to be able to find a compelling data set, ask some questions, and share the results.” As such, I spent last week familiarizing myself with Python 🐍, selecting a fun dataset, prepping it for analysis, and indulging my curiosity.

the process

On recommendation from Robert Schuessler, another Recurser in my batch, I read through the first ten chapters in Python Crash Course and did the data analysis project. This section takes you through comparing time series data using weather reports for two different locations, then through plotting country populations on a world map.

During data analysis study group, Robert suggested that we find a few datasets and write scripts to get them ready to work with as a sample starter-pack for the group. Jeremy Singer-Vines’ collection of esoteric datasets, Data Is Plural, came to mind immediately. I was super excited to finally have an excuse to pour through it and eagerly set about picking a real mixed bag of 6 different data sets.

One of those datasets was The Sister Survey, a huge, one-of-its-kind collection of data on the opinions of American Catholic sisters about religious life. When I read the first question, I was hooked.

“It seems to me that all our concepts of God and His activity are to some degree historically and culturally conditioned, and therefore we must always be open to new ways of approaching Him.”

I decided I wanted to start with this survey and spend enough time with it to answer at least one easy question. A quick skim of the Questions and Responses file showed that of the multiple choice answer options, a recurring one was: “The statement is so annoying to me that I cannot answer.”

I thought this was a pretty funny option, especially given that participants were already tolerant enough to take such an enormous survey! How many questions can one answer before any question is too annoying to answer? 🤔 I decided it’d be fairly simple to find the most annoying question, so I started there.

I discovered pretty quickly that while the survey responses are in a large yet blessedly simple csv, the file with the question and answers key is just a big ole plain text. My solution was to regex through every line in the txt file and build out a survey_key dict that holds the question text and another dict of the set of possible answers for each question. This works pretty well, though I’ve spotted at least one instance where the txt file is inconsistently formatted and therefore breaks answer retrieval.

Next, I ran over each question in the survey, counted how many responses include the phrase “so annoying” and selected the question with the highest count of matching responses.

the most annoying question

Turns out it’s this one! The survey asks participants to indicate whether they agree or disagree with the following statement:

“Christian virginity goes all the way along a road on which marriage stops half way.”

3702 sisters (3%) responded that they found the statement too annoying to answer. The most popular answer was No at 56% of respondents.

I’m not really sure how to interpret this question! So far I have two running theories about the responses:

The survey participants were also confused and boy, being confused is annoying!

The sisters generally weren’t down for claiming superiority over other women on the basis of their marital-sexual status.

Both of these interpretations align suspiciously well with my own opinions on the matter, though, so, ymmv.

9x speed improvement in one lil refactor

The first time I ran a working version of the full script it took around 27 minutes.

I didn’t (still don’t) have the experience to know if this is fast or slow for the size of the dataset, but I did figure that it was worth making at least one attempt to speed up. Half an hour is a long time to wait for a punchline!

As you can see in this commit, I originally had a function called unify that rewrote the answers in the survey from the floats which they'd initially been stored as, to plain text returned from the survey_key. I figured that it made sense to build a dataframe with the complete info, then perform my queries against that dataframe alone.

However, the script was spending over 80% of its time in this function, which I knew from aggressively outputting the script’s progress and timing it. I also knew that I didn’t strictly need to be doing any answer rewriting at all. So, I spent a little while refactoring find_the_most_annoying_question to use a new function, get_answer_text, which returns the descriptive answer text when passed the answer key and its question. This shaved 9 lines (roughly 12%) off my entire script.

Upon running the script post-refactor, I knew right away that this approach was much, much faster - but I still wasn’t prepared when it finished after only 3 minutes! And since I knew between one and two of those minutes were spent downloading the initial csv alone, that meant I’d effectively neutralized the most egregious time hog in the script. 👍

I still don’t know exactly why this is so much more efficient. The best explanation I have right now is “welp, writing data must be much more expensive than comparing it!” Perhaps this Nand2Tetris course I’ll be starting this week will help me better articulate these sorts of things.

flourishes 💚💛💜

Working on a script that takes forever to run foments at least two desires:

to know what the script is doing Right Now

to spruce the place up a bit

I added an otherwise unnecessary index while running over all the questions in the survey so that I could use it to cycle through a small set of characters. Last week I wrote in my mini-RC blog, "Find out wtf modulo is good for." Well, well, well.

Here’s what my script looks like when it’s iterating over each question in the survey:

I justified my vanity with the (true!) fact that it is easier to work in a friendly-feeling environment.

Plus, this was good excuse to play with constructing emojis dynamically. I thought I’d find a rainbow of hearts with sequential unicode ids, but it turns out that ❤️ 💙 and 🖤 all have very different values. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

the data set

One of the central joys of working with this dataset has been having cause to learn some history that I’d otherwise never be exposed to. Here’s a rundown of some interesting things I learned:

This dataset was only made accessible in October this year. The effort to digitize and publicly release The Sister Survey was spearheaded by Helen Hockx-Yu, Notre Dame’s Program Manager for Digital Product Access and Dissemination, and Charles Lamb, a senior archivist at Notre Dame. After attending one of her forums on digital preservation, Lamb approached Hockx-Yu with a dataset he thought “would generate enormous scholarly interest but was not publicly accessible.”

Previously, the data had been stored on “21 magnetic tapes dating from 1966 to 1990” (Ibid) and an enormous amount of work went into making it usable. This included both transferring the raw data from the tapes, but also deciphering it once it’d been translated into a digital form.

The timing of the original survey in 1967 was not arbitrary: it was a response to the Second Vatican Council (Vatican II). Vatican II was a Big Deal! Half a century later, it remains the most recent Catholic council of its magnitude. For example, before Vatican II, mass was delivered in Latin by a priest who faced away from his congregation and Catholics were forbidden from attending Protestant services or reading from a Protestant Bible. Vatican II decreed that mass should be more participatory and conducted in the vernacular, that women should be allowed into roles as “readers, lectors, and Eucharistic ministers,” and that the Jewish people should be considered as “brothers and sisters under the same God” (Ibid).

The survey’s author, Marie Augusta Neal, SND, dedicated her life of scholarship towards studying the “sources of values and attitudes towards change” (Ibid) among religious figures. A primary criticism of the survey was that Neal’s questions were leading, and in particular, leading respondents towards greater political activation. ✊

As someone with next to zero conception of religious history, working with this dataset was a way to expand my knowledge in a few directons all at once. Pretty pumped to keep developing my working-with-data skills.

#recurse center #data analysis #religion #data #python #pydata #programming #silliness

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