#so im just trapped in a cycle . n . idk man . i dont know .

[leathermouthlives]

mitski we're really in it now .

[zenmister]

P1) Hi, I wanted to ask you for some advice bc there's something thats been getting me down for a long time and nothing really seems to make it better. When I talk about it to friends I end up feeling worse because they just tell me what i don’t want to hear. Basically I've been talking to this guy for 7 Months now, things started off really well, he came to see me regularly and asked me out and seemed to be into me. He's always been slow at replying to my texts and

...its always frustrated me bc I take it personally as he is ridiculously slow at replying. As time went on he gradually seemed to become more distant, and it would go weeks before he'd come and see me, then when he did he'd rush off suddenly. I started to get more & more insecure bc I wanted more attention off him & the more I wanted it, the less I seemed to get. I started to confront him and instead of making me feel better he’d get angry or just ignore me until eventually I'd stop asking him and apologise.if i didn’t he’d just not speak to me. He always makes me feel bad for having feelings for him as if I'm being 'too much'.I saw him on nye for the first time in 3 months and he arranged to get a hotel with me - but made it seem like it was just convenient rather than saying he wanted to stay with me, sometimes he’d make plans to see me and then never show up. we spent the night together on nye but when we was out he kept wandering off or saying he’s not the type of person to show affection in public, we slept together that night, and i thought everything would stop being confusing, but then the next day he slipped back into his ways of ignoring my texts, and when I questioned him he just replied ‘what’ which i read as blunt and cold. I told my friend who met his best mate on the same night (and is in a relationship with him now) that he was confusing me again, &she told me I needed to just ask him if its going anywhere, so I said to him, "I dont wanna annoy you but the reason I’m saying this is cos its been a long time n its confusing not knowing where I stand with you, Ive obv got feelings for you now and I just want to know if you can see things going anywhere with me? I’m not tying to pressure you but I can't let things play out forever without knowing if it ever will, or if I'm just being played. I just need to know if its something you'd want eventually, cos the longer you don't talk to me the more i start to think youaren’t interested, but then other times it seems like feelings mutual, it’s just tiring for me trying to figure it out, you’ve not once said to me how u feel about me and you kept saying something like' don’t make it obvious' which is playing on my mind, idk what to think." He didn’t reply for another day and i was worrying myself sick thinking i should never said anything, then I ended up spending the next day consumed by regret, trying to get him to reply, and the more he didn’t the  more desperate and distressed i was becoming. I confessed that i was in love with him and he read it and didn’t even reply.Eventually i gave up and just said to him "please can we just forget about this, i knew it was a bad idea to ask you and i should never have put pressure on you bc its not fair, i won’t ask you how you feel about me again, please can we just go back to being friends? i don’t want you to be mad at me."then he replied straight away: "I’m not mad at you you’re just too much sometimes'. Id had anxiety for 2 days straight worrying about what i said, and the only thing that made it better was him replying, The reason I’m telling you all this is bc even though we’re still talking, which is what i wanted, the insecurity is still there and nothings really been resolved bc he treats me the same and doesn’t do anything to make me feel better. now if he doesn’t text me back, which he hasn’t done all day, i start to feel like I’ve done something wrong, and all the doubts resurface. I feel like i have no control and I’ve settled for anything bc I’m scared of losing him all together and ending up with nothing, but theres nothing i can do about it without pushing him away more. I just wish he’d start making more of an effort and making me feel like i meant something to him rather than it being just me that cares. i don’t know how to get my self- esteem back or how to get out of this situation, I just feel exhausted i feel bad about myself no matter what if he doesn’t speak to me.I don’t know how to stop being affected by it.I feel deeply insecure and like I’m not good enough for him, and I’m not sure if it is all just in my head. i feel like he doesn’t reciprocate my romantic feelings towards him, but has never actually denied liking me or verbally rejected me, he just lets me think he doesn’t care. Im just so confused and upset about it all, i feel like its never ending and that i need to be validated by him. I don't know how to break the cycle and stop worrying about it, i just feel trapped. please give me some guidance, sorry its so long i just wanted to give an accurate representation. thank you:(

That is a pretty comprehensive description of your situation. I can imagine that your friends tell you to forget about him and move on. You probably wish that it were that easy, but you would rather that he behave as though he loves you instead of you doing all the work of the relationship and him just participating when it is comfortable for him.

The relationship is causing you a lot of distress. Every time you text him you create an opportunity for you to be more distressed. You have given him many opportunities to let you know how he feels and is completely incapable expressing those feelings. It would be nice of him to put you at ease and answer texts regularly but he refuses to do that. He will probably never do that.

What you can expect from him is that he will be in touch with you when it suits him, and stop communicating when it suits him. He does not take your feelings into consideration with any sense of kindness or compassion.

You can probably find somebody else who will be nicer to you. When that person comes along you won’t have any problems breaking up with this person. As long as you choose to continue this relationship, you should be clear with yourself that he will not behave the way you want him to. He will not come around and start caring for the relationship. He will not start talking about his feelings and demonstrating a commitment to you. He will not start answering your texts with regularity. He will not engage with your feelings. As you continue the relationship take care of your own feelings. You can love a plant without caring how the plant loves you back. All the feelings you have are powerful and moving. Those feelings are all real and important. Unfortunately, they are mostly painful.

Your friends probably don’t want to see you suffer for this person so they give you advice that you don’t want. If you absolutely want to continue the relationship, work on your self-esteem separately. This man is not going to help you feel good about yourself. You can practice reminding yourself that you are a good, loving, and feeling person who deserves a healthy relationship. You can also remind yourself that you love a person who isn’t good with feelings and won’t take care of a relationship.

I would recommend that you practice working with all of the difficult feelings that this relationship brings up for you with awareness and compassion. Don’t think of this as a committed relationship and keep looking for somebody who can treat you better than this person does.

If you love a pair of shoes that are thee sizes too small they are better on the shelf. They will only hurt your feet if you wear them. You can’t dance in them.