#so lets stop fighting and start crying at a maccas

[skaluli]

my brother trying to make me feel better for being australian was like “you have a nice accent and you can drink like a fish” thanks dude.

[peachyaone]

Lonely Heart pt.5

Pairings: Lierra x OC

(A/N : Hi again! I’m excited to announce that the song “You” in this chapter is written by me! :) So pls don’t steal it :( And I’m also less busy this month so part 6 might be out soon! So yeah, hope you enjoyed this chapter, See you in the next one!)

*Luke’s POV*

They arrived at Ashton’s. His palms are sweating, and his throat was getting dryer by the second. Sierra placed her hand on his shoulder, slightly calming his nerves. They stood in of his door. He hesitated on knocking, Sierra had tired of waiting and knocked. Nothing happened at first, Luke knocked this time. There were footsteps, and the door opened. “Look, its early in the morning, so what the fuc- Oh. You two. He groaned.  “ I-Is Iris here?” Sierra asked him.  “You didn’t check your phones?” He said, slightly irritated. The two took out their phones.

They checked their messages:

[10:00 pm, 09/10/2020] Iris <3 : Hey. Just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving for tour early. I cleared up everything with Ashley and my bandmates. I will be leaving at midnight tonight. You’re welcome to come and see me off, only if you want to. I’ll be with Ashley for the while leg of the tour, we might have separate shows, but we’ll wait for the management announcement.

[10:00 pm, 09/10/2020] Iris <3 : I just wanna say that I apologise for being so distant , I’ve been in a really bad headspace lately. I’m sorry. It’s my fault for making you mad, making Sierra upset and everything.

“Fuck.” he whispered. Ashton was staring at them, arms crossed. "Have you realized what you've done?" Ashton said. They didn't have the chance to speak. "You absolutely wrecked her, you know that? Both of you. I thought you're better than this. She came here, soaked to the skin. She could get sick, and you both know that she gets sick easily. She was trying to keep herself together. She on a verge on an attack, thank god Katniss was there to calm her down. I wanted to march up to your house and beat your ass . But Iris wouldn't let me, you know why? it's because she loves you, Lucas. And that's the only thing stopping me from beating your ass." He scolded. Luke was looking at the ground, ashamed.

"And Sierra, you know what the media could do. They'd do anything to tear people apart, fuck with their mental health, twisting lies into stories with without knowing the real truth. One article could turn people against each other. I really thought that maybe you would understand a little more about this." He said. Ashton was disappointed. He sighed. "Now that you have your answer, I have a lemon tree to save. Goodnight." He said, closing the door on them. The two walked back to their car.

What were they gonna do now?

*Iris's POV*

The live session was a blast. Once she felt sensation of the bass, the sound of the guitar, the kick of the drums, she never felt so alive. They were covering "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance. She felt the problems slowly melt away when she started singing. She sang each verse with all she got. It was pure, raw emotion, the one that could make everyone tear up. It's like she was a different person. Long gone the Iris that was depressed. The Iris on stage now was, way more brighter and her eyes seems to shine with unshed tears. This side of Iris only comes out when she's performing. Usually, without the tears. The crowd cheered her on. She was smiling. The trio gave each other knowing glances, once the adrenaline from performing wears off, she would go back to the woman she was before.

Sad and empty.

They thanked the crowd and the host and went backstage. They were buzzing with adrenaline. "You guys, wanna grab some food before we go back to the hotel?" Maia said. Julia and Helena nodded. "Iris?" Helena said. Iris's head snapped up. "You okay there? Your lookin' a little bit pale, shortcake." Helena said. Iris rubbed her face. "I'm alright, Just need fresh air, that's all. Maybe something to eat." She said. The trio was looking at her worriedly. "Guys. I promise, I'm okay, don't worry." she shyly smiled, nervous from the looks her bandmates were giving her. "Macca's?" Julia said. "Sure." Maia said.

*timeskip*

"That's all your going eat?" Julia said. Iris was eating her veggie dippers. "Yeah. I'm not that hungry." she mumbled. "Bullshit. You haven't eaten anything since last night." Julia said. "Take some my fries." Maia said. "Maia, I can't take it. It's your food." she declined. "Iris, we won't let you fuckin' starve. We have a long night of performing coming up. And you need the energy." Maia said. Iris stared at the ground. Helena rubbed her back, "Please, Iris. We all know you have haven't been doing well." Maia said. "Fine."

"Good girl." Julia said. "Wow, Julia. I didn't know you were into that kinda of stuff~" Iris teased. Helena choked on her drink. Julia looked at Helena, confused. Maia shoved Julia's shoulder. The look of realization dawned on her face. "Oh. Iris, you kinky bitch." She said, smirking. "Well, someone's gotta be the Yuri in this club, and you guys don't have to balls to be him. " she teased again.

They heard cameras clicking.

"Paps." they said in unison.  “Shit.” Helena mumbled.  “We have to get out of here, quickly.” Julia said. The group got out and tried to get to Maia’s car. Iris was soon cornered by the paps.

“Iris, you know they can do better!”

“Is it difficult having TWO partners? Having to be jealous all the time and fighting for attention – what does that feel like?”

She kept quiet.

“What do you think to the rumours that you cheated on them? There’s evidence of you spending the night with a mysterious female.”

“You’re really nothing special though are you? They won’t stick around for long, whore.”

“We’ve seen the scars on your arms.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bad image for your band?”

“You should look into conversion therapy, disgusting whore.”

“What about your partners? Should they have to deal with that on top of everything they should be doing?”

“You’re nothing but a slut. A cheating, useless piece of shit.”

“You’ll be better off dead.”

“'Lena…” She mumbled, searching for any of her bandmates over the crowd, she felt her vision go hazy for a bit as she desprately tried to push through the paps. She was so close from losing her sanity. The paps was closing in, blocking her in. Insults was thrown her way. She was going to break.

Then she felt their arms. Helena's strong hand gripping hers and pulling her into their arms, cradling her against her chest and Julia pushing through the crowd telling the paparazzi to fuck off along the way.“Get away from her!” She pushed the paps away from the duo while Helena helped Iris up. “We just want answers!” One of the paps shouted back at them. “Well, you’re not gonna get any so take your camera, shove it up your fucking asshole, and fuck off!”

They got her into the car. Maia drove away from the scene as fast as she could. Iris's hands was shaking. “Iris?” Julia ask, her hand moving to cup her face. “Iris, come on.” Julia pleaded, she was desperately trying to help her calm her down, holding her hands and trying to help her breathe. “They said such horrible things.” Iris mumbled. “They’re just trying to get a response.” Helena said.

"Can we call, Ash?" she meekly asked. "Of course, shortcake." Helena said. Julia called him.

"Hey, Julia. Is everything alright?"

"Um... about that."

"What's wrong?"

"Well, we had a run in with paps eariler and they cornered Iris."

"What?! Is she okay? Did the paps do anything?"

"Well, they verbally harassed her. We might ask management to file a lawsuit. As for Iris? She's the reason why I called, wait a minute-

"'Lena take the phone."

Helena took the phone from Julia.

"Hey, Lemon boy"

"Hey, Helena. Is Iris with you?"

"Yup. Let me hand the phone to her."

"Thanks"

She passed the phone to Iris.

"Hey, Ash..."

"Hey, Sunshine. Are you okay? Did they do anything to you?"

"They were closing in on me, taking photos of me and said bad things."

"What kind of bad things did they say, sunshine? "

"That I’m not good enough, they keep insisting that I cheated. They said that I look into converstion therapy-"

She was startled by Helena's hand on her shoulder. "Let it out." She mouthed to her.

"They joked about my scars, they said I would be better off dead." she choked out.

"They what?! Oh, Iris, I'm so sorry."

She sobbed.

" Iris, listen."

"What they said.... it's all lies. You hear me? They are lies. You are not what they paint you to be, they don't know who you really are. You are amazing. You are the most amazing person I know, the boys loves you.... even Luke. He came by with Sierra the night after you left. I didn't do anything, like I promise. But you bet I gave him an earful. But all that aside, Iris, you deserve to be here, and you are good enough. You make people happy. Your fans? They all love you, you make them smile, you make them feels safe. This will pass, things will get easier. I promise you."

"What if I fail to do so, Ash? What if I disappoint everyone?"

"You won't. Trust me, you are not a failure. You will get better. You will heal. You will be stronger than ever. You will make it through this."

"Are they alright?"

"You're seriously asking that? You're not okay and you're asking if they're alright?"

"Please Ash... I want to know."

They arrived at the hotel.

"Yes, they are. You don't have to worry. All you have to worry now is me giving you a lecture. Look outside."

"What?"

"Just look outside."

She looked outside to see Ashton, giving her one of his signature smiles. Beside him.....Luke and Sierra.

"Ashton?"

"Hey, sunshine."

She paled. She turned at the bandmates and chuckled shakily.

"Am I finally going crazy? Is they really here?"

She looked at Luke and Sierra, laughing disbelievingly. Shaking her head, she walked up to them. She prodded Luke at his chest angrily, as she laughed. "You had the fucking nerve to show up here." She was chuckling yet crying in the same time. "Where were you, Lucas. Where the fuck were you when I needed you?!" she said. She stumbled back, shaking her head. Iris's knees gave out. Maia reached out to steady her. "Can we get out of here, please?" She whispered to her. Maia looked at Helena and Julia. "Let's get her inside." She said, quietly. They nodded. They moved to get her inside. Sierra moved to stop them. "Let's talk this through, please." She said to Iris. Helena glowered at her. She stood in front Iris protectively.

"After what you've done, you think you could just come up here and expect her to talk? After the pain you put her through? No, ma'am. You lost that right." Helena said. "Hey, don't talk to her like that." Luke defended her. Julia stepped forward. "Don't think we forgot about YOU, Hemmings." She said. "You don't get to come up here, all high and mighty and expect that we let you go that easily." Helena said. “You two are fucking dumb if you really believe that's a way to treat our bandmate.” Maia said.

“If anyone should be arguing, it should be me.” Iris said, as she straightened up and six pairs of eyes snapped to her. "Thank you for standing up for me, guys." she said to her bandmates. They shrugged and smiled. "Pop off, bestfren." Maia playfully winked at her. Iris smiled and turned to face the duo. The look that they gave her made her newfound anger surge.

“You both don’t get to look at me like that.” She snapped, causing them to reel back in suprise. They never seen her this mad, never at them. "If you gave me the chance to talk back then, we wouldn't have this bullshit." she said. Their faces fell in guilt. The Iris she was before this would've cave in and forgive them but she was seething with anger now to care.

"If you'd noticed the sleepless nights I had, the bag under my eyes. If you'd have cared to even try and listen to what I had to say, maybe I wouldn't be fuckin' pissed at you right now!" Iris snapped and Luke flinched back.

If they'd only looked into her eyes, they would see the bottled up emotions that was threatening to explode. It felt wrong to see Iris so angry. She was always been the one to break up arguements, not start them. "Did you know how much suffering you caused me? Do you know how much pain I've been through? I never asked for this, you know? I never asked for us to fight. I hate fighting, you know that?" She said. She looked at them, they were looking down to the ground.

"Look at me." she pleaded. Her anger disappated. Their heads immediately snapped up."I d-don't think I contribute to this relationship anymore." her broken voice reached their ears.

"Iris!" They called out, but she's gone. Luke frantically searched for her. "Luke, we still have one more chance." Sierra said. "Sierra, there's no more chance. We lost her." He said. "And it's all my fault." he whimpered. "Luke, honey. We have her concert tickets, thanks to Ashley. Let's not waste this chance alright?" She said.

*timeskip*

Two hours till the concert. The stage staff were moving around, making sure that everything goes well. After the encounter, Iris fell in the hotel bed and proceeded take a long nap. And woke up just in time for rehearsal.

Seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into hours. Iris drank some vodka that was prepared by the staff, it did so little to calm her nerves. She was pacing around. “Iris?” Her makeup stylist called out. Her head shot up, “Yes, David?” She said. “It’s time for your makeup, and then your outfit." He reminded. She smiled softly at him, "Alright, I'm coming."

She got dressed and sat on the chair."So what would we like on this wonderful night?" He said prepairing the brushes. "I was thinking of skeleton kinda look. Some black, a little red." She said. "That sounds good. Would you like some to put glitter on the black part?" he asked. "Sure" she nodded.

(A/N: Here’s the outfit. Credit to @boy..brainr0t for the makeup look)

They made a small talk about the weather and the upcoming shows. Half an hour later, David finished. "Wow, you did a great job! I love it so much, thanks David! " Iris said, her mood brightened. "No probs, Iris." He said with a smile. She side hugged him and left the room.

"Looking good, shortcake! That choker looks deadly, in a good way." Helena hyped her up. Iris flushed. "Enough about me, look at your mohawk! The spikes are as deadly as my choker! " She said, smiling. "Can I.... touch them? " Iris said. It was like a child asking for candy. "Knock yourself out, shortcake. " She shrugged. Iris's eyes shined with excitement and she poked it. "It's rock hard, did you use hairspray?" she asked, "I did. Used a little bit of hair pomade. Gotta make sure it won't fall while performing." Helena explained. "That's cool." Iris giggled.

 "Hey, cuties!" Julia hollered from arcoss the room. "Its almost time, get your sexy asses over here!" Maia said alongside Julia. "Alright, alright, we're coming!" Iris shouted back. "You look like Gerard Way, Iris." Julia said. "Awh, Julia that's nicest thing you ever said to me" she joked. Julia playfully punched her in the shoulder. "Heeeey" She pouted. "Hey guys!" Ashley jogged over to them. "Hey, Ashley" They said. "You ready to go up there?" She asked. "Yeah, it's been a while since we last went on stage, still kinda nervous, but excited." Iris said. "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but you guys are up in 10" the stage manager informed them. "Alright, thank you for informing us" Julia thanked the staff. "You welcome." the staff said, then walked away. 

"Go get ready, I can't wait to see you guys out there." Ashley said, before leaving to get ready herself. "You ready?" Maia asked. " As ready as I'll ever be" Iris said. Her eyes shining with excitement. The group fistbumped each other and went on stage.

"GOOD EVENING, LONDON!" Iris screamed into the mic. The crowd screamed. "ARE YOU READY?" The crowd cheered. "WE CAN'T HEAR YOU" The crowd screamed.The intro for their song "You" started playing.

You, 

The thought of you makes me sick

Heaven and Hell doesn’t scare me anymore

Not when your with me

Why you gotta be so greedy?

I’m giving all I have to you,

But you keep asking for more,I’m dying, can’t you see? (Look at me)

My blood stains the floor

And I know you love seeing me like this

When it comes to you, (you temptress)

You act so innocent, like an angel in disguise

Always painting yourself as holy

But your tainted halo says otherwise, my dear

Iris sang, stomping her feet to the rhythm. She was smiling, looking out to the crowd. And then she saw familiar head of curls. It was Luke. Her eyes widened, trying to maintain her composure as she sang. She looked at Julia, who noticed them too.

Look at what you’ve become

My still beating heart you hold,

Your knife against my throat.

I’m on the floor, barely breathing (Gasping for air)

My mind tormented by your lies

There’s no escape from you (Never)

There’s no saving for me

“Oh, my darling sweetheart” you said,

With your hands around my neck 

“Let me own you” you whispered

Your cold breath makes me shiver

Death knocks on the door (It’s time)

She puts on a facade, performing all the energy she had. Maia and Helena soon caught up with the situation immediately. They were soon picking up on the energy that Iris is giving out. She was nervous. Very nervous.  Her heterochromia eyes instantly found blue ones.  She wanted to run off stage but her pride wouldn’t let her. What would the fans think of her if she did? She didn't want to be coward.

*Lierra's POV*

They were standing somewhat near to the stage, same as the people that are there, they were all waiting for the show to start. Soon, Iris came on stage along with her band mates. The crowd screamed and cheered.

"GOOD EVENING, LONDON!" she said. She sounded so different from 4 hours ago. She looked beautiful as always, her facial features were enhanced by her stage makeup. "ARE YOU READY?" They cheered. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" They cheered even louder.

Iris smirked. "Helena, darling. If you please." she said. They both knew it was her persona on stage to be a little flirty , but Sierra couldn't stop but feel a little bit of jealousy. Helena was smirking on the screen. " ONE, TWO, THREE-" Helena said, before she started playing the drums. The intro sounds familiar to them. Then Iris started singing.

In their eyes, she was the most ethereal being they ever seen. She was confident when she sing, it was beautiful.

Midway through the song, their eyes met. Luke could see her eyes widening. She turned to Julia. Julia gave her a brief nod. She turned to the front, with a smile on her face. He gave Sierra a look.She shared the same look, they clearly knew that she was faking her expression. And the thought of that made them feel even more guilty.

*Back to Iris*

Look at what I’ve become

My still heart you hold,

Your knife still against my throat.

I’m on the floor, still and silent

My mind corrupted by your lies

There’s no escape from you

There’s no redemption for me.

As she sang the last verse, the crowd cheered and clapped. She was a little sweaty and she was a little out of breath.  She kept on smiling. Her bandmates joined her at the front. Ashley comes on stage next. “Good Evening, London!” Ashley said. The crowd screamed. “ I would like to thank my good friends, The Temptress, for their AMAZING performance tonight!” She exclaimed. The crowd screamed again. "You welcome, Halsey." she said. 

In the corner of her she saw a sign. The sign said "It's Nia!". Her eyes shined. "Well won't you look at that, Hi Nia." She waved at the girl direction. A group of girls were screaming as she said that. "Thank you again for the wonderful gift you gave me yesterday, darling. I really appreciate it." She said. The group screamed again. She was smiling. A real smile. The camera was on her and the crowd screamed again. She and her bandmates said their goodbyes to the crowd and Halsey and went off backstage. 

She took off her facade and became unsually quiet. She plopped on the couch and drank the vodka she poured for herself. Her friends didn't know if they should comfort her or give her space. "Hey, shortcake." Helena said softly. Iris just leaned against her, her head on her shoulder. "You okay, bub?" Helena said. Iris just buried her face further into her neck.

 "I don't know, 'Lena."

[namuneulbo]

week thirty-nine

were practicing a lot for the concert rn so every school day has been just practicing which is fun!

had my last final for now on friday!! it was the second part of the swedish exam and it went better than expected. fridays mood was so weird. i was so happy for some moments and wanted to cry during some. i had slept like 5 hours the night before and when i meant to leave school w the earlier bus it just drove past and didnt stop at my stop so i had to wait another 2 hours for a bus (which was the one i originally planned to go w but the exam went by quicker than expected). i procrastinated hw and went out w i and t. we got maccas and then just drove around all night which was fun. i was so tired though.

d is talking to me more i think???? i am so conflicted. hes cute and nice and all. pretty funny. cute texter. flirty (?) but he has given me two major icks since we started talking......... one is a pic of him in a GAS MASK. he added it a few days after we started talking. if i had seen that from the start i wouldve swiped left. the other was when i asked what his favorite song was and he sent me the worst song ive ever heard. almost convinced hes cbat guy atp. lone digger by caravan palace. if he liked that song or had it in a pl id let it pass but AS A FAVORITE SONG???? oh no, baby, no. he said he likes most stuff, like hell listen to anything but i wasnt expecting THAT. he really meant it when he said anything.

i ghosted s. i blocked them but they dmed me on another acc TWICE. so i responded the second time and after some awkward ‘fighting’ they wanted to be friends in which i said yes bc im hoping itll die out soon. theyre nice and stuff but i didnt feel a spark but rn i think theres still a tiny awkward tension between us.

thatll be it for now. bye!

sotw: david bowie - girl loves me

[overfedvenison]

More SMT

Upon meeting Chihiro and hearing about the reason of the strong, I said I understood. But in a sense of... Sort of an "I know where you're coming from" way. As I said before, her ideal society seems to be a sort of... Ayn Rand-like anarchy where a few people, who are strong, independant, and 'chosen,' thrive and survive. Unnecessary things are thus discarded.

Incidentally, she elects to gain power on her own, as a human for a while... I don't recall it ever being revealed how she does this, because running around as a lone human fighting demons for power is pretty... Well, actually, I guess that's just grinding. But still!

Then I explored the Mantra building and talked to Gozu-Tennoh, the Mantra's former leader, who dies as Nihilo drains all his energy. He falls apart, yelling about how he won't let Nihilo create a world of stillness, and says that someday someone will desire strength and he will return.

Leaving the chamber, we meet Thor again. Thor was a higher-up in the mantra who we fought in a trial previously... He notes that the mantra lost because they had no higher goals. They had no vision for the future, and just enforced a reign of terror. Put another way, they didn't want to create anything or move forward with their chaotic ideals, they just wanted to tear down the established order.

The game seems to conclude that mindless Chaos, as a concept, is not viable.. But, chaotic virtues like Strength and Individuality may be. Thor leaves on a quest to realize a world where the strong thrive, and is sure to meet Chiro at some point.

With any strong leadership gone, the Mantra's allies all desert to the winds and leave the city mostly abandoned.

...Also, fusions - Fused two randos, Bihorn and Chatterskull, into a level 35 Suratahiko. He inherited bright might, dekaja, and Anti-Nerve (to counter his weakness.) - I trained up Preta, one of the weakest demons who joined me randomly, to level 8. Like Will o Wisp, he has a great moveset despite being pathetic... Including getting Deathouch, Venom Claw, and Fog Breath. Now the he's registered, I dismissed him because I couldn't fuse him into anything good immediately... But he's ready to summon later - With excess gems, I bought multiple Elementals and fused them to Miitamas, then fused the Miitamas into my Baphomet. His luck went from 12 to 20, and Magic from 20 to 32 (...Out of 40)

After that, I elected to fight the Hell Biker who was patrolling a highway I needed to pass... He was rough. His combination of abilities was hard to counter, because he fought fiercely with good type coverage.

I put on my Force-nullifying magatama to avoid his all-party Force attack, and fielded Arahabaki to avoid his physical attacks... But this makes me vulnerable to his fire attacks starting at phase 2. He regularly dispells buffs and debuffs, as well.

...I ended up using Arahabaki and my new demon, Suratahiko. They both have Bright Might, so by fighting him on a full moon my team could always crit and get extra actions. Then I could use my Kikuri-Hime and Demi-Fiend to Heal, and debuff with War Cry and Taunt.

After I won, I taught Arahabaki Mabufula (medium ice on all enemies) in place of Sukunda. One-stage status effects are starting to fall off of their utility, see. Then, with an extra Candelabrum in hand, I descended deeper into the Labyrinth of Alama.

While the first kapla was quite welcoming, this one throws you to the dogs. You have to jump down a pit with no sign of return and wander the mazelike halls for escape... The route out is obvious once you find it, but the initial feel is quite questionable. The walls and floors also have a rotten feel, unlike the pristine marble of the first Kapla. Thankfully, I have my trusty Picasa, who can keep me invisible and allow me to avoid most enemies. Still... This place feel oppressive and terrifying

The demons and souls here are curious. Many souls are part of a Cult of Gaia, who seek to live in harmony with demons, and absorbed all forms of doctrine to discover truth from chaos. Among this demon cult was Hikawa. The cult were betrayed by him, who sought to remake the world in his own ideal state.  Further, the Order of Messiah, and God, "grew jealous" of the groups' goals and thus shun and oppress the demon cult.

The souls that support the Order of Messiah, and a heavenly voice above I met before, urge you to leave and pursue your fate in the vortex world as God intended. They were told by God to try and stop Hikawa, the man who ended the world at the game's start, but Hikawa managed to kill them all by summoning demons, an ability he demonstrated at the start of the game when he summoned a Baphomet on us as we had to be saved by our teacher. It's all quite interesting

...Also there is a giant cursed hallway full of level 70+ creatures (I'm level 36) you can go through. My Repel spell didn't work here because the enemies were too strong. My strategy here was thus to use Lillim and High Pixie, who have decent agility, and spam Trafuri when I got into a battle. At the end of the corridor you can find a djinn that gives you 250000 macca for going that far... At this point in the game, I had 30000. So this was an upgrade.

[mclennunf]

This Boy - Chapter 24

~Paul's~

I fumbled with the bags in my arms to open my front door, dropping one on the ground. "Bloody hell," I mumbled to myself as I reached down to pick it up. I shoved the door open with my hip and quickly went into the kitchen to put the food away. I put the kettle on and began putting the frozen items away. Something caught my eye, though. I looked into the hall to notice muddy, wet foot prints. I raised an eyebrow. Gin was asleep on the couch, it couldn't have been her. The footprints were too big to be Mike. He knows better than to leave his shoes on in the house anyway. I began to rack my brain, immediately coming to the conclusion that Jim was in my house. I took a deep breath and followed the footprints up the stairs and realized they went into the bathroom. The door was open a little bit and the light was on. I took another deep breath and walked in.

John was floating in a bath full of bloody water. I stopped dead in my tracks, as I stared at him, what I saw changed.

It was John, putting me in the bath, fully clothed. Something that had happened a long time ago. I saw him slapping my face lightly to wake me.

I shook my head and saw John in the tub again. "Fuck," I ran and crouched beside the tub, pulling him up. "Johnny, John, please wake up," I began to lightly slap his face as he had done to me, so long ago. His eyes slowly fluttered open. "Paul," he muttered quietly and weakly. "What happened?! We've got to get you to the hospital," I said as I tried to lift him. He flinched as I wrapped my arms around his back. "Johnny you've gotta tell me what happened," I tried to speak calmly. "J-Jim, me back," John was white as a ghost as he spoke. I sat him up and noticed an oozing wound. "Bloody hell he did this to you?!" I was panicking now.

"What's going on up here?!" I heard Gin yell as she came up the stairs. "Call an ambulance, the police, someone!!" I screamed and held John, picking him up carefully and wrapping a towel around him. He could barely stand on his own, he lost too much blood. I put his trousers on him and didn't bother with a shirt. Gin stood in the door way, wide eyed and shocked. "GIN!" I yelled to snap her out of it. "I'll call!!" She yelped and ran down the stairs to the phone. John collapsed into my arms. My heart was racing as fast as it possibly could. His eyes fluttered but they were locked on me. "Macca," he whispered. "I'm here love, I'm here," I held him close. "M'love, my beautiful boy," John whispered before closing his eyes. "John? John?!" I shook him a little, feeling my body begin to shake in fear.

"Excuse us," I heard behind me. I spun my head around to see three paramedics. One began pulling me away from him. "No!" I yelped, not wanting to let him go. "Son we need to get him help." The one pulling me said. They put John on a stretcher and began taking him down the stairs. I chased after them, only to be stopped by two officers. "We need you to stay here for questioning." The taller one said. "No! He needs me!" I yelled and tried to shove passed. "Please let him go." Auntie Gin said sternly behind me. "Who did this?" The shorter police officer asked me. "My father, Jim McCartney," I said, my eyes still on John who was now being taken outside. "Go on then, kid." The taller officer said. I looked over to Gin, who nodded. "I'll stay, go with John." She told me.

I ran outside and hopped in the back with John, who was still unconscious. The paramedic was feeling for a pulse. "I've got a faint pulse here, starting CPR." He yelled to the other paramedic. Just like that, the doors were closed and we were flying to the hospital. I watched in horror as he paramedic gave John CPR.

I felt so unbelievably helpless.

When we arrived at the hospital, they wouldn't allow me into the room with him until they could stabilize him. I stood in the doorway, as far as I was allowed to come, and what I saw changed again.

It was me laying in the hospital bed, battered, bruised, broken and concussed. John was sitting in the chair next to the bed holding my hand, looking extremely tired. "Paul please wake up, please, I need you, m'love... don't leave me..." John was muttering over and over again. It sent shivers down my spine, and I felt a piercing pain in my ribs, the ones that never healed properly.

"Hey! Kid!"

I snapped out of it and realized there was a nurse standing in front of me. "I'm sorry," I said, flustered and rubbing my side. "You can go see him now." She gestured for me to go into John's room. I caught my breath and walked passed her into John's room. He was awake, still pale, but smiling. "Bloody hell John," I said as I ran to his side, grabbing him carefully into a hug. "I'm so sorry, this is my fault, John I'm so sorry," I rambled into his bare shoulder. "No it's not Macca, it's not your fault." John said, smiling as he pulled me off of him, looking in my eyes. "I'm so sorry John," I said, fighting the feeling of tears pricking at my eyes. "Tell me what happened," I sat down on the bed beside him, not letting go of his hand.

"It's over Macca, I don't want you to have to hear about it. Look at ye, m'love. You're pale and shakin'." John observed and touched my cheek. "I need to know, John." I said sternly, looking down at his waist. It was wrapped up all the way around his torso with gauze. "He just followed me, on me way to Mimi's. Didn't make it that far though, did I?" John laughed, flashing his stunning smile that constantly reminded me just how much I loved him. "He blames me for ye goin' stroppy on 'im. You know me, gave him some words, I did. Called me a dirty fag, so I hit 'im." John's words became quieter and quieter. "Turned round t'walk away and he stabbed me. Small knife, it was. But guess he got me good." He kept trying to sound as though it wasn't a big deal. "I told ye." I mumbled. "Told me what?" He loosened his grip on my hand.

"That you'd get hurt. Remember?" I mumbled again. "Bloody hell, McCartney. Don't give me that shite. You bloody well know I would take a bullet for you." John was serious now. I tried to smile, but the look on his face wiped my smile away. "I'm sorry John." I said sincerely. "Stop yer bloody apologizin'. Everything is fine, I'm fine. But are you?" John took my hand again, smiling reassuringly.

Suddenly I saw something in John that I hadn't seen in what seemed like forever.

His eyes were wandering quickly, his breathing began to sound heavy and I could feel how fast his heart was racing based on his wrist pulse.

He noticed me touching his wrist and pried his hand away from me, his eyes glazed over. I stood up and backed away from him, unsure. "John?" I said quietly. It didn't seem like his eyes could find me.

"John are you there?"

I knew John had taken his medication that morning. Why was this happening?

"Paul," he finally spat out. "Jesus Christ," he stuck his hand out for me. I hesitantly approached him. "What just happened?" I asked as I took his hand and sat down in the chair next to his bed. "Paul, they won't stop." John's voice was shaky and his face was pale. My eyes widened. "I'll go get the nurse," I stood up but his grip on my hand tightened fiercely. "Ouch, John!" I tried to wiggle out of his hand but he just kept tightening his grip. "No! They'll throw me in the looney bin! Just get me damn pills Paul!" John yelled at me, finally letting go of my hand.

I quickly ran out into the hallway, closing the door behind me and taking a deep breath. I hadn't seen John act that way since before Hamburg.

"Mr. McCartney?" An officer said. "Of course." I rolled my eyes and turned to him. "Yes officer?" I said in a huff. "I just wanted to discuss your father." He stated. I rolled my eyes again. "Never ends, does it?" I asked sarcastically. "Pardon?" The officer was a bit defensive. "I'm sorry. What do you want to discuss in regards to my father?" I asked, trying to sound posh and polite. "Well we have arrested him, and pending the decision of Mr. Lennon, he will be charged with attempted murder. Now we looked up your case history, and it looks like you and your brother were adopted after an incident with your father. If you're willing, we'd like to take him to court and see if we can have him prosecuted with two charges of attempted murder. I have a lawyer on standby, if you'd like to meet with him." All of the information floored me. I was stunned, staring the officer in the eye. "Mr. McCartney?" He tried to snap me out of it.

"I-ugh, John needs, uhm, me t'run home, sorry sir, I'll have to talk to you when I get back." I tripped over my words and walked quickly toward the door. I lit up a cigarette and held in the smoke. I looked up at the sky and felt the burn of the cigarette smoke in my throat and lungs. "Bloody hell Mum." I said quietly as I finally released the smoke out of my nose. "What am I suppose to do?" I asked her. The worst part was I was expecting an answer. "What in the bloody hell am I suppose to do!" I yelled at the sky, finally letting tears stream down my cheeks. I began walking toward my home, kicking rock after rock, smoking cigarette after cigarette, having absolutely no shame as people walked by and stared at the crying McCartney boy.

As I approached the gate to my house, I stopped. I lit up another cigarette and stared at the house in front of me. It began to rain, and I could feel drops of water drip onto my beat red cheeks.

Suddenly I saw a bright, shining house with a beautiful garden. My mother stood in the doorway with a baby Mike on her hip, smiling and waving at me.

"Fucking hell!" I screamed as I threw my cigarette on the cold, wet pavement. "Fucking hell." I sobbed as the sight disappeared and the dark looking home reappeared. I needed to get John's medication, but I couldn't bring myself to walk through the gate toward the house. There was too many nasty memories. Plenty of fond memories too, I admit. "Stop being such a bloody child, and go inside." I mumbled to myself.

I took a deep breath and opened the gate. I approached the door and looked inside the small window. Mary's face smiled back from the other side. I looked away, back to the ground. I was so overwhelmed that my mind was playing tricks on me. John needed me right now.

I took another deep breath, and opened the front door.

[gaudeixcc]

Peloton news - The fishy protest

Well, it’s 5 months to the Grande Tour that is G19, the Pyrenees. Training has slowly rumbled into life with many a peloton rider poking their beak from the comfort of their winter lair.

Surfacing over the last few weeks have been Damo, a few commutes and even the odd MTB ride. I’ve managed to get off the turbo and have swapped the virtual for reality. We even had the first group ride of the year with RTA & Dripping. An historic event as Dripping tested the new carbon fibre hip in the April sunshine.

A mere 9 weeks ago Macca and I visited Dripping in his private room at the private Gatwick Park hospital. When we arrived, he was in the middle of making a massive fuss about the fact that one of the wall power points wasn’t working and that he couldn’t plug his smart phone (well…. Samsung) in within convenient reach. The nurses, clearly tired from a punishing schedule of looking after the weak and infirm had to drop everything to wheel the half-robot across the corridor to a new room with a better selection of power facilities, Drip grumbling quietly en-route.

Macca and I looked at each other nervously as we felt a chill descend upon the room. It transpires that Drip’s irksome mood was somewhat provoked by a polite refusal from the nursing staff to his 8th request of the day for a bed-bath. 

‘But nurse, ever since my new hip has gone in, my winky feels dirty’, protested a nearly tearful Drip.

Macca, ever the empathetic and caring friend, pulled on the surgical gloves and reached for a damp cloth when Dripping’s tone changed and he suddenly got all shirty about power sockets and room adequacy.

Anyhow, 9 weeks later and the stooping drugged-up post-Op Dripster is sprightly, twinkly-eyed and ready for a 50-mile jaunt in the sunshine. Astonishing all things considered.

The ride out was sensational. We took in Denbigh’s followed by the box hill Olympic route before cutting back up past Dorking and onto the coffee stop.

RTA had shouted a campsite/fishing ground as the place to go for snacks and warm drinks. We had a coffee. We had cake. Then, as it was a particularly sunny bank holiday Friday, we had a pint. RTA and I also learned a little bit about fishing during our 30-minute break. 

Dripping, a keen angler, gave us a good 20-minute running commentary on all the mistakes being made by the small cast of fishermen who were assembled within eye-line. Not only was he highlighting their errors, he was also giving RTA and I coaching on what do should we find ourselves Rod in hand and hunting for sprats.

I tried to pay attention to the pearls of wisdom Drip was releasing. It’s a subject I don’t fully understand, but here goes my attempt at remembering the salient points. RTA, please feel free to fill in the gaps;

• Catching fish is like giving children quality street…. One at a time, to keep their interest.

• Don’t spook the fish

• Don’t show them the line

• Don’t touch the fish which are covered in jelly

• Sit still

• Read a book

• Don’t cross swords with another angler (I am praying he was referring to fishing rods)

Whilst Drip was observing the carnage unfolding, he’d occasionally berate all the JR Hartley’s by muttering ‘rookie’ under his breath.

To conclude, I’m not sure why Drip is trying to keep children’s interest with the bait of quality street or how fish get to purchase and wear jelly. I’ve made an executive decision to stick to cycling. I understand it. It understands me. My sword won’t get crossed. The children are safe. All in all, everyone’s happy.

The ride eventually concluded with a bit of a faster-paced sprint back to the bower for Drip and I. 50 miles in the bag and I could see exactly what Dripping was thinking. 

‘Moley… I’m a coming for ya’…. He didn’t say it…. He didn’t need to. And so, we move seamlessly into a few words on tour preparation.

Now, this year, I ain’t gonna do what I did last year which is turn up ill-prepared, fat and in need of regular snoozes just to keep me functioning. So, I’ve hit training early. Drip is on a mission. He will not only want to be there, he will want to take somebody down. I am grimly determined that it ain’t gonna be me.

Damo, currently wrestling a knackered back, has been off the booze for ages and is in reach of his usual cyclists’ condition. 

JT doesn’t look to have turned a wheel…not that it matters with the amount of winter sports he’s done, but I am determined to see him pushed by this year’s tour virgin, HRH.

Macca and Col Mac have been quiet and finally Moley, well, Moley needs to use the equipment he’s blessed with. Turbo? Check. Hills nearby? Check. Is he his own boss and can therefore engineer his time? Check. Time to get those massive engines which drive your ankles up and at ‘em Moley. You know who’s looking at you with grim determination and a plastic hip don’t you.

 Now here’s a question for you. What has the Peloton got in common with lobsters? An unusual comparison you may be thinking. 

Now lobsters have been rocking round the seas for several hundred million years. In this time their brains have, like many, developed to recognise and react to status. In short, the higher up the pecking order (clawing order?) they are, the more balanced and happy they feel. They show this by their body language. Apparently, the controlling mechanism for all of this is the proportionate balance of 2 hormones produced by the lobsters grey matter… bit more of one (serotonin) and the lobster is a confident little fucker and as such, rises in the social standing of the group…. Bit less and the crusty fella gets a bit withdrawn, hunches his shoulders a little and doesn’t get the pick of the little chickadee lobsters. Now the female lobster is attuned to status. They see a confident sprightly lobster as a good proposition, all things considered, so he who hath his claws held high and bit of a swagger about his gait can expect to be a hit with the ladies and a roughie toughie with gents.

However, all is not quite that simple. Should our alpha male lose status, in a fight with another male for example, then he moves down the chain. This has a dramatic impact. The hormones rebalance to such an extent that the brain has to physically re-grow to cope with the change in circumstance. The old brain just can’t cope with the impact that loss of status has on the tiny aquatic creature.

Worryingly, one of the wider peloton is going through just such a transformation.

Back in the day Amesy used to live on the Bower in creepy Crawley along with the rest of the herberts (me included, natch). Then he moved up in the world. He moved out to the leafy suburbs of Ashington village and into a nice extended 5-bed with a double garage. He could be seen prancing around the place, coaching the privileged kids football and generally being an upstanding pillar of the community. 

Over the period of time I suspect voting changed from labour left to mild conservative right.

 Social status grew steadily and then he hit the big time. He moved to Royal Tunbridge Wells. 

Saturday mornings and he could be seen cruising round the charity shops with his yellow lambs-wool jumper draped causally over his shoulders, whilst he browsed the nick-nackery on offer. 

He even joined the local theatre and became something of a minor celebrity for his portrayal of Widow Twanky in the AmDram Christmas production that year. 

A few months ago he was sitting in the garden in one of his very many comfortable outdoor chairs, sipping a glass of chilled Riesling. He turned to Lou, tireless loving bride of our social high-flyer, and said ‘you know what love, life aint half good’.

Ominously, unbeknownst to Amesy, dark clouds had started to gather. His beloved second home, the luvvies theatre, has now been served an eviction notice and a brand-spanking new facility has been approved by the council. £90 million quids worth of theatre and a smattering of town centre parking is heading his way. And the new lot have made it quite clear that there is no space for his level of Widow Twanky. 

Bang… no more Widow Twanky… no more luvvies… no more kudos and gentle ripples of applause from the blue rinse mob. 

He’s a shattered man.

I spoke with him earlier this evening and it dawned on me just how bad this situation has got. The following words are about as accurate as Peloton news has ever been…

Amesy has been out, placard in hand, and has joined the Tunbridge Wells Alliance in protest against the new theatre. He is literally incandescent with rage. How very dare they!

Who do they think they are? These faceless councillors who just rock up, let money talk, and spoil the whole damned shooting match with this new high-brow monstrosity.

I didn’t ask if he protested in his Widow Twanky garb, but what he did tell me was that he joined in with the chanting.

‘WHAT DO WE WANT?’

‘Not this level of wasteful investment right in our lovely town centre and in particular not the new toilet block pencilled in for Calverley grounds’

‘WHEN DO WE WANT IT?’

‘Now please’.

Not particularly catchy and a far cry from Derick Hatton and the 80’s militant movement, but still, he’s fucking furious.

Anyway, I’ve bought him a box of quality street and Drip is lending him his fishing rod. He needs a calm space to heal, be himself and to regrow his status-shattered brain.

First step fishing…. Who knows, we may see him on a bicycle yet.

Right my lil fuckerinos, get yourselves outdoors and get the wheels moving. 5 months will spin by. The last thing you want to see is Dripping and his spectacularly clean winky making off ahead of you and into the sunset.

On second thoughts, perhaps having dripping behind you and hunting you down with his spectacularly clean winky may be even more frightening.

Ah well, roll the metaphorical dice and let’s see what happens!

Lobsters away..!

Hoppo