#so many things would be sorted if this fucking assclown just did his job in a timely manner

[princessmyriad]

Fucken hate landlords man

[hereforthelizardsex]

My friend who has never seen so much as an episode of deep space nine wrote nsfw crack fanfiction about Julian, Garak, and Dukat being captured and held in Area 51 on alternate universe (not mirror universe) Earth following a conversation where I mentioned Julian’s foot fetish and alien fucking. I am posting it here for anyone in the mood for reading something very cursed.

Ever since the universe started to collapse in on itself, our lives have been completely turned around. All of us DS9 inhabitants were shuffled into emergency escape pods that could travel much faster than your average ship. Only a third of us made it out, who knows where the rest are. We drove straight into a black hole, just hoping for the best. We ended up in a place called “The Milky Way” and eventually on Earth. Earth isn't so different from DS9, we even have some of the same evil rulers and war history, but it is weird being confined to a planet instead of living among the stars. When my ship first landed, my other ship mates had died, all six of them. I was brought to a place called area 51 and eventually given a room of my own here. All of us ‘aliens’ were given an area, which they call a cell block, to stay in with our own rooms. The biggest change, though, has been my sex life, and this is that story:

I wake up drenched in sweat and with a pounding headache, this planet is so dry that I don't know how my body has any liquids left to sweat out. I gulp down the water next to my bed, and stand to stretch my muscles, still sore from crash landing on this planet. I stiffly walk over to the mirror and stare at the bruises and cuts on my body, wishing they would heal already and that the scientists wouldn't be so eager to make new ones. I am in the middle of examining my bare abdomen when I hear my bedroom door creak open. I turn to look and see Garak staring at me from the doorway.

“It’s late.” I say, embarrassed to have been caught staring at myself in the mirror, and even more embarrassed that these thin gray cotton shorts don't hide very much, something that Garak has also noticed.

“I thought we could talk, I mean this whole thing is sort of crazy. Landing on a new planet, losing everyone we knew. I mean you watched people die in front of you, and now there's humans showing you Tik Tik dancing and something called Goggle.”

I sigh, “yeah I mean I guess so. It's not like I have anyone to miss though. I mean YOU'RE still alive and here to bother me,”

“You would've missed me if I died?” He says in a patronizing tone that I find somewhat annoying and somewhat sexy.

“ Only a little,” I responded with a smile as I woke over and sat on the edge of my bed.

“Well I was also here to ask you if you could check some of these wounds out. The people here either seem to want to make them worse or are too scared of me to help.” He walks over and sits next to, right next to me.

I lift his shirt gently and look at some of the injuries he sustained in the crash. It takes me a moment to realize that I’ve placed my hand on his abdomen while examining his side, and he hasn't moved it. I pull my hand away and feel my face turn red.

“Well they look like they're healing fine to me no sign of infection”

“Julian,” he says looking me in the eyes before reaching a hand over and placing it on the inner part of my thigh, “thank you”.

He leaves his hand there just long enough for my cock to get hard before standing up and leaving. I'm sure he noticed, but he didn't say anything and neither did I.

He comes back every night after that for the next two weeks to talk, always finding and excuse to expose some part of his body to me that shouldn't be as erotic to me as it is.

One night he was complaining about his feet hurting from being forced to run all day, to test his physical abilities, so I eagerly volunteered to rub them as we laid on my bed and talked. I stared at his scaly toes laying in my lap as my fingers expertly kneaded the soles of his feet. Of course, my body decided that now was a perfect time for an erection the size of the entire Starfleet, which was brought back up by Garak adjusting his position just as it was starting to go down, almost as if he was doing it on purpose.

Just as I was starting to suspect that he was trying to make me hard. He sat up and looked me in the eyes, “Julian how many times do I have to graze your dick with my heels, are you going to let me make you cum or not?”

I felt my face turn red yet again, and did not respond in anyway other than shock and a wide eyed stare.

“For fucks sake, you act like such a prude,” he said as he pulled down my sweatpants and let my cock spring free of its fabric cage. He leaned forward, as if to take me in his mouth, but instead spit on my cock and sat back to begin rubbing it with his feet. I tensed up in surprise but began to relax as the blood my heart was using to panic started going to my dick. Precum began to leak onto Garkas feet, coating his scaled toes and making them shine.

I noticed a very large, very long new appendage poking out under Garaks clothing and reaching over to begin rubbing it, it was warm and somewhat wet, I just had to see what it was. I pulled off his pants and was almost smacked in the face by his five foot long alien dick. Instead of a head at the end it was a fleshy hole that was oozing a clear liquid. I dipped my finger into the liquid and licked it off, moaning in ecstacy. “Fuck Garak you taste so good” i said as I felt my dick twich in the embrace of his feet, which had been massaging it back and forth. He didn't say anything but grabbed my hand and moved along his slippery penis, which was so thick I couldn't wrap my hand all the way around it. After a f few minutes he transferred some of the fluids from his penis onto his hand and began to rub my tight, somewhat throbbing, asshole, gently sliding his fingers in and out of it. It was too much for me to handle, I felt my balls tense up and my dick began squirting loads of cum all over Garaks sexy toes.

“I'm going to have to try for weeks to get all that out from under my scales you assclown” Garak said pressing his cold cardassian lips to mine. We made out passionately, his little lizard tongue darting in and out of my mouth. I was still stroking his cock when my door was flung open. i tried to jump back in surprise but was held back by Garak, whose cock seemed to get harder now that someone was watching us. I didnt see who it was, but I felt them come up behind me and saw the world go dark as I was blinded by a tie being wrapped over my eyes. I felt the strangers dick slap me in the face as it was pulled out and draped over my shoulder like a scarf. I instinctively took it in my hand and livked the side of it. This one I was able to fit my whole hand around, but it seemed to be around eight feet as opposed to Garaks measly five. I kissed along the wet shaft as my face was coated in alien precum. Garak had been fingering my ass for about ten minutes now, and he placed his hands on my hips and we moved so that he was under me. He pushed the tip of his cock into my ass and the rest that I couldn't fit quite yet sunk back into his body, in typical cardassian fashion.

I thought the mystery stranger had begun to cum, but instead the smell of dehydrated piss filled my nostrils and I felt a runny warm liquid spill down my government issued t-shirt and roll down my body onto my cock that was now hard again. Garak thrusted in and out of me as my mouth bobbed along the strangers dick, and my blind fold began to slip loose. It fell off just as both Garak and the stranger began to cum, one in me and the other all over my face, and I looked into the eyes of my worst enemy. I had just given a blow job to none other than Dukat.

A few weeks later I noticed a particular itch around my penis, but all the usual STD tests had come back negative. My doctors decided to do one last test, and allergy test, which just so happened to be on the day that they had finished processing cardassian dna, and what do you know? I'm allergic to lizard-alien semen! Life is not worth living now…

Inspired by this collaborative image:

[bibliophileiz]

Supernatural “War of the Worlds” Review Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Tolerate b*cklemming

These people are far from my favorite writers on the show (that would be Berens, Glynn and Yockey, the last of whom wrote my two favorite episodes) but every time an episode they wrote airs I want to dissect all the good and bad of it anyway, and this is no exception. This is I think their third episode in a row I’ve felt the urge to review. I think it’s a coping mechanism to help me tolerate these episodes.

This was not b*cklemming’s worst episode – I still think that was the one in which Eileen died – but it was not great either. It’s watchable, don’t get me wrong. But we’ve had a string of stellar episodes this season except for two. Two. And they were both written by this duo.

Unequivocally bad things about this episode:

- Who the FUCK decided to put b*cklemming in charge of apocalypse world? There do indeed appear to be no women, period. I kept hoping the creepy hunter who attacked Mary in their last episode only thought there were no women because all the women around had the good sense to avoid him, but … nope. It appears he was right. The whole apocalypse place looks like the cast of Lawrence of Arabia with a darker aestetic.      Either mittensmorgul or elizabethrobertajones (I can’t remember which and the post is too far back for me to find but both have excellent blogs!) pointed out this just keeps b*cklemming from writing creepy rape scenes all over apocalypse world, which is a fair point. However, b*cklemming has written plenty of problematic sexually violent stuff victimizing male characters, albeit usually being victimized by women (April to Cas, Toni to Sam). Also it just generally irks me when an otherwise well-written show suggests women can’t survive harsh circumstances. I know they have to stay on Supernatural, but someone please keep this pair away from Wayward Sisters. - Asmodeus sucked only marginally less in this episode than when he was introduced, and that’s only because he had the suckiest introduction of anyone in this show. He. Is. Still. Awful. I can’t believe the show is going to waste the Keeping-Cas-Locked-Up-In-Hell story line I’ve been waiting for on this assclown of a villain. - AU verse Kevin Tran is like … I would say Diet Kevin Tran except I usually like diet drinks better than their counterparts, so I guess it’s more like … Vegan Chocolate Kevin Tran. I can see the resemblance, but the original has more flavor and more richness and doesn’t work for genocidal war criminals just to see hot women. My theory before this episode aired was Kevin’s a double agent for a group of hunters who have formed a resistance, led by Asa Fox and, eventually, Mary Winchester, and if we ever get an apocalypse episode written by Berens or Glynn, I might even be proved right (about the double agent part. The Asa Fox part is a stretch, I realize this). In the meantime, this was a total waste of the character. - Did b*cklemming just forget the show is about Sam? He had that one scene with Ketch which is super forgettable. In all his other scenes, he was just kind of there. It was like they were writing and would occasionally say, “We need to give Dean’s sidekick a line now.”

Good Things (several of which have nothing to do with b*cklemming)

-Cas’ sex hair is back. - I didn’t hate the Cas-Lucifer team up as much as I expected to. In fact, I thought the scene between them at the bar was the best in the episode. I unequivocally hated the way these writers – really all the writers – wrote Lucifer last season, but b*cklemming actually wrote some of my favorite Lucifer material in the entire show. Specifically I’m thinking of Lucifer (as played by Misha Collins) telling Amara she may defeat God but she will never be him – not a Lucifer redemption moment by any means, but certainly a moment where he gets to be something other than an entitled brat. It shows even though he hates God, he also admires him. You also see this in his reaction to finding out Kelly’s pregnant. She said he was excited because it was the first time he created anything, which I remember thinking was a really in-character reaction to have. This explains why he’s so interested in whatever Cas has to say about Jack too.      However, I don’t want my enthusiasm for dad!Lucifer to be taken as me wanting a redemption arc for this fucker, because I don’t. I don’t hate the idea of him almost being redeemed. We the audience are sympathetic to Jack, and once Jack realizes he can be good, he’s going to want to redeem his father, Luke Skywalker-style. I like the idea of Jack trying to “save” Lucifer – “There is still good in him, I know it!” – and for Lucifer to kind of go along with it until something happens and Lucifer reveals himself to be as entitled and jealous and petty and power-hungry as he’s always been, and then Sam and Mary or maybe Cas get to kill him. If we’re sticking with the Star Wars parallels, then I want it to be like the moment Han Solo offers Kylo Ren a second chance and Kylo stabs him instead. I like Lucifer, but at the end of the day, fuck him. - Related, I also didn’t hate Mark Pellegrino. He’s never been a bad actor, he’s just been a shallow one, but that’s the material he had to work with. When he has decent lines and isn’t smirking around evil-for-the-sake-of-evil dialogue, I find I want to punch him less.      More specifically, he did a good job posturing while also showing the audience he is terrified without all his power. That little flinch when Asmodeus enters the bar, before he pretends to relax and starts casually threatening Asmodeus, was great. - We finally got acknowledgement the universe is running out of angels. - Guys. Rowena might still be alive. If Ketch is alive and Rowena isn’t, I might stop watching this show. - Cas’ sex hair is back. -Speaking of Cas, I was concerned he wouldn’t tell Dean he was working with Lucifer because he thought Dean would be mad or because he would want Sam and Dean to stay away because danger or because Lucifer talked him out of it or some bullshit like that and it would be last season all over again. I’m so, so glad they didn’t go that route even though it means we get more shapeshifting (voiceshifting?) Prince of Hell nonsense. - Lucifer calling Asmodeus the runt of the litter made me feel better. At least b*cklemming admit theirs is the worst Prince of Hell. - “Honey, you’re not Lucifer. My ex-husband’s Lucifer.” - Did I mention Cas’ sex hair is back? - I liked the witch and on the one hand wish she’d had more to do but on the other hand am worried b*cklemming would have killed her if she had another scene. - When Asmodeus referenced a hunter in his payroll, I thought, ‘I bet it’s David Haydn-Jones.’ I love being right. - Dean asking if Ketch’s tattoo was a stick-on. - The shots at the playground are all beautiful. Good job Richard Speight, Jr.! - The fight scenes are. So. Good. - Seriously. Cas’ sex hair. It’s back.

Questions I have

- Where did Lucifer get that jacket? - Why do the demons call Jack “the Jack”? - How does Ketch know Sam and Dean are looking for Jack? Sam said he reached out to “every hunter we know” but firstly, how many of those are left that aren’t dead and secondly, who of them knows Ketch but doesn’t know he’s evil? - How does Lucifer know Kevin? I thought he was locked up during Kevin’s story line.

Now let’s talk about Ketch.

I’m so used to bad writing from this pair, I didn’t even see the Ketch reveal coming. Based on their not-great track record, here is a list of things b*cklemming would totally do: - Write a less-evil twin for a dead character. - Have Ketch torture and kill a bunch of witches – to find Rowena – so he can find and kill her – because she’s a witch. - Have Arthur Ketch’s less-evil twin Alexander Ketch still ask about Mary even though he’s never met her. - Look like they’re about to give Ketch a redemption arc.

So I totally bought it. 

Like … good job? Good for them for fooling me by being, like, the lowest bar of competent. It’s sort of like how I spent all of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince thinking Malfoy couldn’t be up to anything because he’d spent the five previous books showing up way too often to make the same bad jokes about Harry and Co. over and over. It’s not as good as writing well the first time, but points for improving.

And at first I was excited because I thought – and still think – Ketch will make a much better villain when not loaded down with Men of Letters baggage because the Men of Letters were cartoonishly stupid and Ketch was actually threatening when not anywhere near them. But … where are they going with this?      k-vichan pointed out this episode undoes both Mary’s victories from last season – knocking Lucifer into AU World and killing Ketch. Which is typical b*cklemming. To be fair, we knew Lucifer had to come back, but what could they possibly do with Ketch they haven’t already done? His villain arc ended perfectly – Mary killed him in defense of Dean. That was literally the best way he could have possibly died. It was the cathartic, climactic moment of last season’s emotional arc.      I’ve seen some people suggest Dean will get to kill Ketch now and – no. No. Killing Ketch was always going to be Mary’s victory, and I’ll be disappointed in the show and the writers if they take that away from her. 

All in all, a mixed bag of an episode. Which is disappointing after a string of nothing but good episodes this season from everyone but b*cklemming. (Ish. I’m afraid we may not be looking at the cowboy episode rationally. I’m going to have to wait until Netflix gets the new season and watch it again and decide then if I’m being rational about liking it or if I’m just excited about Dean’s cowboy hat and Cas’ fake western accent.) But next week we’re back to Glynn and then Berens and then Wayward Sisters, so hopefully it’s a long time before we have to deal with this nonsense again. Meanwhile, here are some things I want out of future episodes.

- Kevin being cool again. - Mrs. Tran. - Mary Winchester. - (louder for the people in the back) MARY WINCHESTER! - Rowena. - Dean figuring out the Cas he’s talking to on the phone is not Cas. - AU Resistance leader Asa Fox - Something cool in apocalypse world other than a church Jerry Wanek built. (Good job Wanek, I’m so sorry it couldn’t be in a better episode.) - Maybe some other AU resistance versions of characters like Bela Talbot (unlikely but a girl can dream), Godron Walker (AU Resistance Gordon Walker would be awesome!), Ellen Harvelle (bonus points if she and Bobby are married), Jo Harvelle (acceptable if they can’t get Ellen), FemCastiel (bonus points if she also ends up in Real World and meets Sam and Dean and Dean’s like, “Who’s the hot angel?” and she’s like, “My name is Castiel,” and Sam starts laughing and Dean’s like, “Fuck, I hope Chuck’s not making this one into a book.”)