#so now im kinda forces to wear long sleeves in hot as weather for like at least a few weeks till they heal.

[misfortunegirl]

" yeah so i know you were having a Moment and were saying depressing stuff but I just have to let you know.... you looked great today, your pants were straight up your ass, and your hairstyle was really cute and suited you."

[piplupod]

hold up 🤔 SH tw ⬇️

[hurricaneonanesthesia]

May I request Golden Deer x fem!reader headcanons where her upbringing didn't lend itself to her learning feminine hygiene like shaving or knowing how to braid her hair which makes her insecure and the house notices she never wears short clothes even in sweltering heat? Maybe with Claude x reader undertones?

Of course anon! I’d be more than happy to try my best. I certainly hope that I did them justice! Hopefully they aren’t out of character lol. to be completely honest, i feel like i rushed this towards the end lmao

~Admin Hurricane

Claude von Deer

He didn’t understand it, but you intrigued him

You weren’t like Marianne or Hilda, in fact you were far from it

It surprised him nonetheless when you were wearing long sleeves in sweltering weather

He’d asked you countless times why you weren’t wearing something lighter, but you would always shake your head and continue on with training.

It certainly worried him, when you suddenly fainted one day

He insisted that he be the one to carry you back to the infirmary.

Byleth had to force him to go back to class cause all his pacing outside of the infirmary was giving Manuela a headache.

When you finally woke up, he immediately booked it from the GD classroom and was the first one in

That was when you broke down and told him everything

He listened to every word you had to say, not breaking eye contact once please i love him he’s hubby material why isn’t he real sOB

When you finished he was silent before consoling you and pulling into a hug

He told you that it didn’t matter what your body looks like and that all that mattered was your personality and you as person

That caused you to break down more which made him PANIC lmao

Offered to teach you how to braid hair 

Whenever you guys are training or are in battle, he keeps an eye on you to ensure that you don’t faint again cause of heatstroke 

Advises you to drink plenty of water, STAY HYDRATED!

Ohoho Byleth the matchmaker caught on, and immediately paired the two of you together 

Whenever you’re feeling down cause you don’t seem “feminine enough” or are “too masculine” Claude immediately waves off those bad thoughts

Also to add onto you feeling down, if you were really out of it, he would drag you onto his wyvern and take you out for a ride :))))

Hilda

Hilda squealed when she first saw you, immediately dragging you into her room. 

She tried sprucing you up, but you didn’t really get it as she eagerly showed you different outfits and makeup

She got kinda upset when you stared out the window instead bored out of your mind

Tried to get your attention by waving her hands dramatically in front of you

She was pretty surprised when you opened up to her about why you weren’t interested

From then on Hilda decided to give you some tips on how to do your hair and such

She also gave you advice on clothes to wear, if you were still insecure. Something that won’t cause you to overheat, but is light and long enough to cover up your arms and legs.

Overall she was pretty open as soon as she learned about your circumstances and very willing to help.

Lorenz 

Off topic but Lorenz please change your goddamn pre time skip hairstyle

To be frank, the two of you didn’t get along that well

Why do I say that? Well you didn’t like his womanizing attitude towards other girls and felt that he was too stuck up for his own good

He thought you were too masculine and brutish for your own good and tried educating you which annoyed you to no ends.

Finally one day, when you couldn’t take his pestering anymore you just snapped

He stood there in shock, completely unsure of what to say

From then on he was more aware of what he said to you cause he was worried that what he would say would wound your pride again

Keeps an eye on you because he’s “such a gentleman” hey, his words not mine.

Raphael

Sorry bby, I love you Raph, but he’s a little bit dense 

Doesn’t notice your discomfort at first

Takes you awhile to open up but once you get to know him, he’s more than willing to listen

Being a big bro, he does his best to comfort you and encourage you saying that it doesn’t matter how you act he’s still rooting for you 🥺 BAHA PLEASE I LOVE THIS BIG TEDDY BEAR

Encourages you to wear whatever you like and be proud of yourself 

10/10 wholesome relationship

Bonus: if you still don’t know how to braid your hair, he’ll help do it for you cause he’s had plenty of practice with his younger sis 

Ignatz 

I’d like to think that he’s pretty sensitive and noticed right away

He asked you about why you were constantly wearing long sleeves

At first you weren’t that willing to open up, opting to change the subject and move on

However, as you came to know him more and discovered that his intentions were indeed genuine, you decided to tell him

He was rather surprised at first because he saw nothing wrong with you 

He told you to just continue being yourself and that everyone has flaws

You broke down crying and poor iggy panicked

You eventually stopped crying and thanked him

Since you shared your insecurities with him, he shared his secret hobby and love for painting and you encouraged him to pursue his artistic dreams rather than becoming a knight

Lysithea

She has many secrets herself but she isn’t very sensitive to how others are if you’ve seen her support with Marianne I think you know at first

Once you spend more time with her she notices how you avoid talking much about yourself and your upbringing

Not wanting to pry, she left you alone

Once you got to know her better, you slowly opened up about how you felt and your insecurities

And to your surprise, she listened

She kinda just sat off on the side patting your side unsure of what to say

Since you opened up to her, once you got to know her better, she found that she could trust you and told you abt her secret obviously i'm not gonna say it cause spoilers :)

Marianne

You’re insecure? She’s insecure? HOORAY YOU’RE NOW FRIENDS

Whenever the two of you hang out it’s literally just:

“....”

“.....”

“Um…”

Yeah...it's a little hard to strike up a conversation with Marianne at first

She was fairly curious about why you constantly wore long sleeves tho

"Um...y/n not to be rude, but why do you wear long sleeves? Aren't you hot, i-im sorry if I've overstepped, don't mind me…" 

But the two of you had grown close so naturally also being insecure you told her about your worries

Marianne didn't rlly know what to tell you at first and went all "oH iM soRRy you sHoULdNt bE taLkiNg tO mE bEcaUsE i bRiNg bAd LuCk"

Leonie

In a sense Leonie could relate to you

She told you to mmmm block out the haters and just be yourself

You gained a confidence boost from her cause she was encouraging and told you to just stay true to yourself.

She truly helped you get your walls down and let you know that its okay

Want more of my writing? Be sure to check out my masterlist :)

If you wanna request something, don’t be afraid to send something my way! Thanks for reading and have a lovely day!

[cvastals]

hiiiiiiiiii im . temporarily swapping mercy out fr Mon Bebe rosa..... oh i love her so. abt her below giggles (impish) n waddles off to post w a strut in my step.

* maya hawke, cis female + she/her  | you know rosalind samuels, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, one year? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to your type by alvvays like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole wearing long sleeved shirts even in the middle of summer, rolling your eyes as a defence mechanism, crying at nothing at all thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is august 8, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

TW’S FOR DEATH, GRIEF, AND CANCER BELOW!

background.

rosa is the daughter of a pastor in new york so…………… Fun Times was had throughout her childhood!

she’s also the younger sibling of twins who were super close growing up so she always felt like a bit of an outsider……… but they loved her n she loves them even tho they’re . super weird about it

she was always a bit of a . Harsh child…….. fr no reason rly she jst didnt kno how to interact with kids but there was one (1) kid named sylvie who was rosa’s closest friend for a bit and she grew so attached they did??? everything together like they had sleepovers every night they were Obsessed

CANCER TW - rosa hadn’t made friends other than sylvie so when she had to leave school bc she was diagnosed with leukemia it was fkin devastating fr rosa she didnt kno how to exist without sylvie

DEATH/GRIEF TW - lo n behold sylvie unfortunately passed away……… n it rly messed rosa up she was extremely selective w her friends fr most of her childhood (n still is frankly) - CANCER TW

just when she was getting over it one of the twins?? passed away and the whole family was in shambles once again and rosa for a while was really messed up over it she stayed home for a semester before going away to uni bc it reminded her of losing sylvie again n she didnt kno how to function

she eventually sort of?? forced herself to get over it in a way where like . she’s almost trying to pretend like it never happened?? just refuses to talk abt it rly :/ - DEATH/GRIEF TW END

SUPER keeps to herself rly, she has a decent amount of friends bt nothing crazy n frankly has no desire to meet anyone new or talk to anyone new, jst has trust issues n doesnt wanna lose anyone else

moved down the coast to pennsylvania for uni where she majored in gender studies, then got a scholarship to do her masters in north carolina n fell in love w the town :D now she TA’s for the university in irving

details.

avoids sexual advances if she can/exploring her sensuality fr the most part.......... basically jst as selective with who she hooks up w as she is w her friends

can b kinda temperamental n will blow up in someones face

strictly wears long sleeves and pants (mostly overalls) its rare shes in short sleeves and/or shorts even in hot weather

u will RARELY ever catch her in a skirt/dress its jst not her thing

a total tomboy shes on the soccer, tennis, n baseball team

very dry humour…………

is tough as nails yet simultaneously? cries at anything and everything. #girlboss

hates men and she’s right for it.

connections.

someone she has a crush on bt refuses to face it so she bullies them bc of it

someone who has a crush on her?? bc tht wld b cute considering she wld b oblivious

hook ups?? i cld see her doing mostly one night stands bt i’d like to see maybe one (1) person she’s particularly fond of n they’re mayb fwb’s now??

a few friends who managed to weasel their way into her life

or ppl she’s rubbed the wrong way/enemies tbh

frankly???? anything

[starrymarktuan]

The Depth of Silence

» Pairing: Mark Tuan x Reader

» Genre: Fluuuuff

» Word Count: 4,904

» Description: Of all the jock-gods, Mark Tuan is the strong and silent one. He’s been your lab partner for most of the year, with almost no words passing between about anything other than Bio Chem. But - add a whole lot of alcohol and a varsity jacket, and things begin to unravel. 

» Part of the Varsity Jacket Series

The group of jock-gods was lingering near the refreshments table, distributing red solo cups and laughing at an inside joke. Once everyone was properly armed with alcohol, they dispersed.

Im Jaebum walked over to the screen door, stepping outside to greet his girlfriend and kissing her lightly on the lips. BamBam and Kim Yugyeom walked deeper into the living room and stole the karaoke mics from unsuspecting partiers, beginning to sing randomly and at the top of their lungs. Choi Youngjae wandered into the kitchen where his crush was munching on stale potato chips and talking animatedly with a friend. And Jackson Wang sauntered outside, where he’d spotted his latest fuck-buddy shivering in the cold.

Mark Tuan followed Park Jinyoung over to the dining room table, where a heated game of beer pong had already begun. They both put their name in for next turn before Jinyoung moved to talk to one of his classmates, leaving Mark alone. He leaned against the wall and watched the current competitors, chuckling at the pure excited energy that seemed to buzz around you as you played.

You looked strangely yellow under the mediocre dining room lights, and it flattened the color of your hair considerably. Somewhere along the line, your lipstick had smeared (presumably against the rim of a solo cup) and there was a berry color crossing the line of your lip and down a little onto your chin. You were grinning hugely, your hair frizzy and flying about.

You were completely hammered. Already.

Mark watched for another minute more but realized that this round wasn’t close to winding down yet. So he left to refill his cup and ended up being gone for twenty minutes, having to force an intoxicated Jackson into an Uber. By the time he returned to the beer pong table, Jinyoung was already playing, having replaced you.

“Mark Tuan!” you cheered, spotting him. You tripped over your own feet as you walked around the table, stumbling towards him and eventually falling directly into his arms.

Mark, surprised by this sudden attack, fumbled with his solo cup and eventually let it slip. The now warm beer spilled down the front of your top. You pouted, your eyes hazy and unconcentrated from the intoxication.

“Just because you don’t like me very much,” you whined, “Doesn’t mean you have to ruin my clothes!” You stamped your foot obnoxiously until you seemingly forgot why it was you were stomping. You paused and looked up at him, grinning cutely at him suddenly. You took his jaw in your hand and squeezed, so his lips puckered together, you shook his head about roughly, “You’re so cute!” you squealed. You let go of his chin and twisted into his still outstretched arms, your back fitting snugly against his chest, “All the girls in Bio Chem are jealous of me! Because you’re my lab partner! They don’t know you’re a jerk! Who hates me,” you pouted again.

Mark chuckled at this turn of events, pushing upwards to try and get you standing upright, “I don’t hate you.”

“Yes you do,” you whined, standing up and facing him again, hitting his chest weakly with your palm, “You never talk to me,” your voice became high pitched and desperate, “I’m a really nice person! And I’m smart! I’m a great lab partner to have.”

“I know all that,” he said, taken aback at how his actions (or lack thereof) had been perceived, “You’re a great lab partner...perfect, even.”

“Well if you love me so much!” you shot back, a whiny tone infecting your voice, “Take me home.”

“Okay,” he sighed. Mark hooked an arm beneath yours to hold you upright. He waved at Jinyoung in a form of goodbye and started carrying you through the party, slowly. If he remembered correctly, your dorm was not too far from here, you could walk there. Plus, the fresh air would do you good.

The front door swung open and you took a step outside; the cool night air felt like a slap in the face and you shivered instantly. Mark squeezed your waist to hold you tighter as you descended the porch steps, ““How did I end up with all the drunk people tonight?” Mark said, thinking back to Jackson and all the rum he’d had.

“You’re just lucky that way,” you said snarkily, your head lolling to rest on his shoulder as you walked down the sidewalk towards the main campus. Your eyes widened as you looked up at him, a perfect view of his sharp jawline and perfect, dark hair, “Are you going to take advantage of me, Mark Tuan?”

“Not tonight,” he said, grinning down at you.

You giggled at his joke, your laughter quickly turning to a shiver as goosebumps appeared on your arms. Mark stopped walking and stood in front of you to get a better look, “Shit, you’ll get hypothermia in this weather,” he scowled. He slipped out of the varsity jacket he was wearing and held it out for you, “Put this on.”

Instead of taking the jacket you raised your arms, “Clothe me servant!” you commanded, giggling again. Mark rolled his eyes, smiling nonetheless. He walked towards you and maneuvered your arms into the jacket, before buttoning it up around you.

You felt an immediate sense of comfort and warmth. You closed your eyes and smiled at the sensation, the sleeves falling past your hands. You cuddled into it further and said, “This is a powerful jacket.”

“Hmm?” Mark said, falling into stride next to you again. You were still drunk, but you seemed more capable of walking, but Mark didn’t want to let go, so he kept his arm around you.

“This is a panty-dropping jacket,” you said seriously, pursing your lips together. Mark laughed loudly and said -

“Why? Have you dropped yours?”

You snorted, “Pft! Yes. Like the first day we were paired up together,” you said honestly, too drunk to care, “You were wearing this jacket,” you poked yourself in the chest to demonstrate, “And those black skinny jeans that are super hot. And some vans, because cool kids wear vans.” The whole time you were deadly serious, but Mark found the whole thing hilarious. He was going to have to get your drunk again. You stopped walking and turned to look at him, inspecting him for a moment before saying, “And your hair was doing this perfect flippy thing.” You stood on your tiptoes and ran your fingers through his hair in an attempt to get it to do “the flippy thing.”

You leaned against him, your hand moving from his hair to his shoulder to steady yourself. You stayed in this position longer than necessary, staring at his lips for a long moment before looking into his eyes. You laughed softly, “If you kissed me right now, I would let you,” and then you closed your eyes and leaned in.

Mark watched you for a moment, his heart pounding. He wanted to. He wanted to so badly. Your lips were right there and you were offering them to him. But...your first kiss with him needed to be memorable. And like he’d said, this was not the night he was going to be taking advantage of you.

“Not tonight,” he whispered, putting his hands on your shoulders and forcing you to stand fully on your feet.

“You do hate me,” you whined, a sick looking capturing your face. Mark was about to respond but he paused when he saw you. You covered your mouth with your hand before turning and bending double and vomiting all over the grass.

Mark paused for a long moment, before shaking his head in slight amusement and saying, “Let’s get you home.”

When you woke up the next day, it was mid-afternoon and it felt like an oven in your dorm room. You blinked awake and the action caused pain to vibrate through your head. When you changed your position in bed to avoid the light, a pool of drool that had accumulated on your pillow touched your cheek.

“Oh, gross,” you whined, sitting up and wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

“Yes,” Jennie, your roommate, said, “Sleep well?”

Jennie was sitting at her desk with a pencil in her hand, watching you with amusement. You squinted at her and pulled your hair into a bun on top of your head. As you did so, you caught sight of something. A long sleeve in your school colors.

You put your hands down and examined your clothing - a varsity jacket. You covered your mouth with your hand, “Oh my god.”

“If you’re going to vomit, I’m going to leave.”

“No,” you said, shaking your head and smiling at your best friend’s snide comments, “This jacket.”

“Yup. Which of the jock-gods did you hook up with?” Jennie smirked, chewing on the end of her pencil.

You closed your eyes and massaged your temples, trying to move your headache aside long enough to remember anything about last night. God, you’d had so much to drink. Beside you, there was a faint shuffle, and you opened your eyes to find a water bottle and three aspirin on your nightstand.

“This might help,” Jennie said, sitting across from you on her own bed. You downed the aspirin with some water and started to retrace your steps last night -

“I was playing beer pong,” you said, “And losing...and then...Mark Tuan.”

“You screwed Mark Tuan!” Jennie squealed, “That’s so weird! He never sleeps around. It’s like he’s not interested in girls at all, I kinda thought he was gay…”

You sighed, the memories coming back, “He still might be. Nothing happened. Although...I may have asked him to kiss me. Ugh,” you groaned, collapsing onto your bed and covering your face with your hands in embarrassment.

“Well, I guess you have to give it back,” Jennie said, looking at the jacket as if it could bite her, “I’m starved. Want food?”

“Please.”

“Be back soon,” but before she’d closed the door she stuck her head back in the room and added, “Also, you should really text him, let him know you have his jacket,” she winked and the door clicked shut behind her.

You looked down at the jacket and contemplated your options. You thought about going to Mark’s practice to return the jacket but decided against it. The rumors of just carrying it around campus on Thursday before your lab would be enough of a hassle, you couldn’t deal with all of the cheerleaders and basketball players direct attention. But, in the meantime...you could still wear it, couldn’t you?

So, you kept it on as you pulled up Mark’s name in your messages. Your eyes scanned through your previous conversations and found the interactions lacking. The longest conversation was when you both had a project due in Bio Chem and were trying to work out details. And all of the messages had been short and to the point.

On the first day that you’d been assigned as Mark’s lab partner, you’d tried to be nice. You introduced yourself and tried to chat and make friends, but he’d sort of...shut you down. He didn’t really respond, and when he did his answers were clipped. You gave up trying after about a week, realizing that he must just not like you. As hard as that was to cope with, you decided just to push through until the end of the year.

Basically, typing this message...was entirely new ground.

Y/N

3:52PM: So...I have your jacket.

Your heart was racing as the little bloop sound signaled the message being sent. You pulled the sleeves of Mark’s jacket around your hands and crossed your arms over your chest. You watched your phone for any sign of a response, before registering the smell. It was the smell of the jacket - Mark’s smell. You’d never gotten close enough to him before now, but this had to be it.

It was a sharp cinnamon smell that seemed to wake you up, and alert all your senses. You inhaled it again, relishing in the delicious scent of cinnamon and something that must be pure Mark.

“What are you doing?”

The door clicked shut behind Jennie loudly, and you heard her place the bag on the desk. You opened your eyes slowly, raising your head from the inside of the jacket, where it had sunk in to smell it.

“Smelling…?”

“Oh my god,” Jennie said, rolling her eyes and handing you the food she’d gotten. You were about to take the offering, but instead, you jumped in surprise when your phone buzzed suddenly.

Mark Tuan

3:55PM: I know.

Y/N

3:56PM: I’ll just give it to you during lab on Thursday ?

Mark Tuan

3:57PM: Yeah

3:57PM: Unless

Y/N

3:57PM: Unless?

Mark Tuan

3:58PM: We could hang out…

3:58PM: Study? On Tuesday? After practice…

“Did he just ask you on a date?”

“No,” you said in disbelief, “He’s barely talked to me all semester.”

“Well say yes already!” Jennie swiped your phone from you as you fingers hesitated over the buttons, she typed a quick response and threw it back on the bed, “You’re welcome.”

Y/N

3:59PM: Yes! Pick me up at my dorm at 7!

“Jennie,” you groaned, horrified. She sank onto her bed with a burger in her hand, munching on it with a self-satisfied expression. She raised her eyebrows when another notification lit up your screen -

Mark Tuan

3:59PM: See you then :)

“He sent a smiley,” you said, astonished as you dug around the paper bag for your french fries. Jennie burst out laughing into her burger -

“He’s so awkward!”

Across campus, in the gym, sitting on the bench with a towel around his neck, Mark looked pensive as he stared at his phone. He’d debated sending the smiley and had ultimately chosen to do so. Yugyeom peeked over his shoulder and started chuckling.

Mark winced, grabbing the towel from around his neck and hitting the maknae with it, “Shut up.”

“You’re the most awkward person in the world.”

“Don’t I know it,” Mark sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Tuesday morning was dark and overcast, clouds invading the sky in clumps of grey cotton candy. You eyed the varsity jacket hanging off the back of your chair warily. You’d stopped wearing it because it no longer smelled of cinnamon and Mark Tuan.

“Well, you know,” Jennie said, standing behind you suddenly, “Staring at it will make it disappear.”

“Shut up,” you said, pushing past her with a half smile to go to class.

But you were finished with class at one, which left you six hours to get ready. That was far too many hours, simply because it allowed the space for thoughts to invade. Lots and lots of thoughts. Would he try to kiss you? Would he try to do more? What were you going to do? What was he expecting? Was it going to be just as quiet as in class? Should you wear the jacket or just carry it with you?

“Wear the jacket,” Jennie said. She was laying on her stomach on her bed, a textbook open in front of her and her fuzzy-slippered feet in the air. She twirled the pink highlighter she was using in her fingers and said, “Definitely wear the jacket. It’s much...flirtier,” she said definitively, looking back down at her book and highlighting something.

You frowned at her and then you frowned at the jacket, which was still hanging off the back of your chair with a vengeance. You glanced at the clock, it was already 6:30 - time flies when you’re freaking out. You examined your appearance in the mirror again, tugging on the hem of the dress Jennie had picked out anxiously.

“Why are you so nervous anyway?” Jennie wondered, looking up at you again, “One, you look hot, mostly in thanks to me,” you rolled your eyes, “And two, it’s not like you haven’t gone out with guys before. This won’t be any different.”

“Feels different,” you muttered, sitting next to her on the bed.

“Why? Because he’s a ‘jock-god’?” she made air quotes around the popularly used phrase on campus.

“Maybe?” you wondered, feeling defeated, “I don’t know. He’s just...it’s just...I don’t know how to describe it. It feels different.” You looked at her hopelessly, opening your mouth to add something more, when a sudden clap of thunder scared you both. Jennie held a hand to her chest in fright, looking out the window to see a streak of lightning blaze the sky.

Jennie looked back at you with her eyebrows raised, “Wear the jacket because it’s cold and raining.”

Mark parked his car outside of your dorm and cursed himself for not bringing an umbrella. There was a steady drizzle out, and he suspected that it was nowhere near ready to let up. He got out of the car and sat against the hood, texting you quickly that he was out front.

You appeared two minutes later, toting your heavy school bag and...wearing his varsity jacket. You blushed immediately upon seeing him, fidgeting with the article nervously. He hadn’t had a chance the other night, what with trying to keep you vertical, to really see you in his jacket.

Now though...Mark was astonished. His heart thumped heavily against his rib cage, and despite the cool temperature outside his palms were sweating. You were beautiful, of course, you always were, but wearing his clothes...you were downright sexy.

Mark remembered your drunken words the other night, “Are you going to take advantage of me?”

“Not tonight,” he’d responded. But boy, if he could choose a moment…

“Hi,” you blushed, tucking your hair behind your ear and looking away from him. Mark closed his gaping mouth and stuttered -

“Oh, um, here,” he walked to the passenger side and opened the door for you. You slid into the seat gracefully, holding your book bag in your lap and waiting. But Mark stood awkwardly in the door for a second, in awe that this was actually happening and that you looked this good and that you were wearing his varsity jacket.

But he finally willed his legs to move and slipped into the driver’s seat with ease. He started the car and almost as soon as he did so rain began pelting the windows of the car with heavy thumps. You both listened to the sound for a moment before you changed the subject - 

“So where are you taking me?” 

“Um,” he stuttered, avoiding your gaze, “It’s a surprise.” 

The ride to the restaurant was awkward and tense, the echo of the rain hitting the car windows the only sound. You were so nervous you thought you could vomit. You thought back to your conversation with Jennie - why was this any different from the other guys you’d gone out with? After all, you were just meant to be studying, maybe nothing was going to happen at all!

But...glancing over at Mark, his profile lit by the light from the passing buildings and street lamps...it wasn’t the same. Of course, you’d been nervous when going out generally but this was Mark Tuan. And it wasn’t because he was a ‘jock-god,’ although he was, it was so much more than that.

You’d watched him in class, and at the games. He was more than just the strong and silent one of the jock-god posse. He was funny, hilarious, at games he was always joking around with his teammates. And if you remember correctly, drunk though you were, at the party he’d been sarcastic and entertaining. In class, he was focused and committed. He had to work hard for his grades, but you admired his dedication. And he was nice. Jennie was right when she said that he didn’t sleep around, but he wasn’t cold or rude or cruel, he let people down gently, you sensed that he didn’t like disappointing people. You got the feeling that his silence masked millions of thoughts.

And just like that, you realized, this felt different because over the course of the semester...you’d talked yourself into falling in love with Mark Tuan, despite the cold shoulder he’d been giving you.

If at all possible, the car ride became more awkward and the rain poured even harder.

Mark was tense, muscles-rigid-and-stiff tense. His knuckles were white from his grip on the steering wheel, and he could not bring himself to look away from the road. Not even to turn on the radio, which might have eased things a bit.

The whole time he was telling himself to cut it out: She already thinks you don’t like her. That you hate her. You have to talk! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

But there were too many things he wanted to say. So instead...he didn’t. He couldn’t even imagine where to begin, because how do you tell someone, on the first date no less, that you’d basically fallen in love with them?

Silent as he was, Mark was attentive, especially when it came to things he was passionate about. And if he was passionate about anything, it was you. Well...you and basketball. He knew about your friends, and your hobbies, and your favorite foods. He knew that you couldn’t study with music on because you found it too distracting. He knew that when you tapped your fingers on the table you were bored, but when you tapped your pencil you were frustrated. He even knew what it looked like when something would click for you in class - this sudden brightness on your face, like an exploding star.

Mark got so caught up in the little details over the semester, that he’d basically become this hopeless, sappy mess who pined after you day and night. It was very pathetic. Mostly because the opportunity had arisen for him to do something and he couldn’t fucking speak.

You pulled up to this dinky little hole-in-the-wall, with a fading neon sign advertising Chinese food. You raised your eyebrows at his choice, surprised because you loved dinky little hole-in-the-wall restaurants. They usually had the best food.

“Here we are,” he said, almost absently as he took the key out of the ignition, He drummed his hands against the steering wheel, and glanced outside at the raining pouring down. He offered an explanation, “This is my favorite place to study. Plus, we can wait out the rain here.” 

“Oh,” you said, quiet but pleased. Mark sat back in his chair, still drumming his fingers against the wheel, consumed with thoughts about whether or not he should open your door for you.

You both sat there for another few moments before you finally spoke again, “I guess...we should get out?”

“Yup.”

You both grabbed your study materials and used them to protect your heads as you went inside. A bell dinged as you opened the door, the waitress and chef looking up from their respective tasks and smiling hugely at Mark. They waved and started speaking rapidly in excited Chinese. You didn’t understand a word of it, but you gathered that Mark was a regular customer.

You sat down and put your bag on the chair next to you, “You know Chinese?”

Mark nodded, sliding the menu they’d given him to the side of the table without even glancing at it, “My parents are from Taiwan.”

“Oh,” you said, focusing on the menu. Already you’d discovered something you hadn’t already known about him. Not that you knew all that much to begin with - besides the whole jock-god thing.

“What’s good?” you wondered, looking up at him desperately. He smiled at you so that his pointy canine teeth peeked out. It was very endearing, his smile. You thought, absently, that you’d do pretty much anything to see it again.

“Can I order for you?”

“Please,” you grinned, “Take the pressure off.”

Mark called politely to the waitress in Chinese and spoke quickly to her about your orders, she seemed to already know what he was getting and the whole conversation took less than a minute. You gaped at him the whole time, entirely impressed at this new found language skill.

“So you come here often?” you joked, following his example and pulling out your Bio Chem textbook and your notebook. Mark shrugged absently, leafing through the pages to find the assignment for Thursday.

“I come here to study sometimes, it’s quiet,” he said, “And good food,” he smiled again, and again your heart sort of flopped over and gave in to him. He tapped his pencil against the table and added, “Plus, it reminds me of my parents.”

“They don’t live here?” you wondered, eyebrows raising in shock.

“No,” he shook his head, his hair falling on his face and covering his eyes in an artful rendition of vulnerable. If possible, your feelings only grew. He explained, “My parents live in LA. I only see them during breaks and away games.”

“Oh,” you said, “That sucks.”

He chuckled at your response, looking back down at his book, “So what did you get for number 12? I feel like I did it wrong…”

It went on this way for most of the night. It felt very...natural. Nothing about the interaction was forced, despite the tension there’d been in the car. When the food came, you pushed aside your books and talk about Bio-Chem, and you just...shared.

You told Mark about Jennie and why you’d chosen to go to school here and your parents and what you were studying and your thoughts on Justin Bieber...anything and everything that came to mind.

The waitress had swiped your empty dishes without either of you noticing, and when she finally peeked her head out of the kitchen and called out to Mark in soft Chinese, Mark glanced at his watch and said, “Damn. It’s almost midnight,” he glanced out the window, “Oh, and the rain has stopped.”

You glanced at the front door and noticed that the Open sign had been turned off, “We stayed past close?”

Mark shrugged, standing to collect his books and things, “She lets me sometimes, as long as I don’t get in her way and I don’t make a mess.”

You laughed and packed up your things, watching him as he walked over to the kitchen to talk to the waitress. He squeezed her arm and shook hands with the chef, talking quietly with them for a few minutes. He was so relaxed and at ease here, and you realized that this was really the first time you were witnessing that. This was home for him, at least a little, and you realized how deep beneath the surface all of this was, how deep beneath his silence. And how lucky you were to have seen it.

At school, he was the jock-god, the strong and silent one. Here he was relaxed and funny and chatty. He was open and warm. This was definitely different than the other dates.

When he dropped you off at the dorm, he got out of the car to walk you to the entrance. You stood at the foot of the front steps, toeing your shoe into the ground and waiting. He had to kiss you. If he didn’t kiss you’d basically die.

“This was...fun,” he said, smiling and scratching the back of his neck.

“Yeah,” you grinned.

“I hope you know now that I don’t hate you,” he smirked.

“Hate you?” your brow furrowed in confusion, “I never said-” you stopped short, suddenly remembering what you’d said to him at the party that night.

“You also said that if I wanted to kiss you,” he stepped forward, so that his lips hovered over yours, “You’d let me.”

“I would,” you whispered, tilting your head up.

“Good,” he whispered, pressing his lips to yours in a soft, passionate kiss. You moved your head for more access and he tangled a hand in your hair, pulling you closer.

His tongue had just poked your bottom lip teasingly, waiting for an invitation, when a sharp wolf-whistle shattered the atmosphere. You pulled apart, blushing and looking away from each other, as the other students passed.

“So,” you grinned, high from the amazing kiss, “We should do this again,” you walked backward up the stairs.

Mark grinned again, watching you happily as you ascended the stairs goofily. But his expression turned serious suddenly, he pointed to you and said, “You’re still wearing it.” He couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his lips.

You looked down in shock. You’d been wearing the jacket all night? That had not been the plan. You’d planned on giving it to him the moment you saw him…oops.

“As amazing as you look in it,” Mark said, eyeing your figure up and down, “There’s a pep rally tomorrow and JB will kill me if I don’t wear it.”

“Of course,” you blushed, walking back down the steps and undoing the jacket. You took it off and handed it to him.

“Good night,” he whispered, leaning down to press his lips to yours again. You giggled happily, like a child, before returning the sentiment. Mark watched you go back up the stairs with a contented smile before you turned around and said -

“You just wanted to kiss me again, huh?”

Mark’s smiled widened to a happy grin, “Maybe.”

“Good.”

a/n: tbh mark is my bias which is probs why this one is so good~~

[autowrite]

Ardennes Trip Journal - 28.07.19 - 10.08.19

Day 1

23:15 The adventure continues. So much to say and only 14 minutes to do it in. The accommodation is pretty crappy. An old youth hostel converted into something..maybe not even converted. I arrived with 2 woman who couldn’t find their way here with a GPS. Right now I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit. I promised myself I would be authentic, I feel like Im hiding, crawling back into my shell. I promise myself that I will do what it takes to be authentic here, even if I don’t totally know what it means. I think it has to do with flow, carefree ness. There are a few girls here that I’m attracted to, one of them is the lady in charge of the volunteers. She doesn’t have a pretty face but she wears tight clothing and she has a nice body. I like tight clothing on a nice body. I feel like I underestimated the amount of work I’ll have to do here. It seems like mostly work with a bit of free time over. I would like to see more of the surroundings but I’m not sure what, I’m not even sure how curious I am to be honest. The meals are vegetarian and don’t seem to be enough, I have a feeling I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m kinda hungry. My mind has been hijacked by Mara. I keep thinking about having a little fling with Hanna. I gave her a hug earlier when we were alone in the bathroom. Damn, how did I manage that? The truth is I’m just using her. Lust is toxic, it’s toxic. But the pull toward her is strong. If I go down this road it will lead to another and then another and then another. It doesn’t stop until I put an end to it. Until I make the decision to not engage. The people that work here are rather nice. Bert and Wim and Carlos. There are very cute and friendly young little cats here. This evening I saw the mommy cat run into the garden, frantically lookin*for one of her young ones, and then she gave her a little mice she caught to  play with. It was so adorable. I would like to use my time here to also be able to relax and read and go for walks and bloom socially.

14:00 I’m on a train. It takes almost 4 hours to get there and the time is flying. I’ve read some google reviews of the place and a lot of people say the inside looks kind of shitty and that the food is too vegan. Mixed responses. But then they also say it’s isurroinded by beautiful nature in the middle of nowhere, I’m curious about that! I think it’s going to be pretty cool. I’m tried right now, I need some sleep. I hope I get along with my colleagues, I hope that I can flip the switch and be open, spontaneous and helpful. Wild, adventurous, authentic. Funny af.  I guess all I’m looking for is a nice place to wake up in, with fresh air, some structure, a place to read and relax, a place to push myself a little in terms of social interactions! I’m glad I thought of journaling, I’ll write in this thing every day. They say that phones and WiFi doesn’t park very well there, not sire of this is a good or bad thing but I’m leaning more to it being a good thing. I’m a little worried that I’ll be my usual, rather serious, seldom-able-to-genuinely-smile self, that I’ll close up and all my (perfectly acceptable and even good) ideas will remain ideas in my head, that I might not have the courage to act on ‘em? Maybe? Perhaps? We’ll see. I got a lot of books with me, I’m happy about that. They have a piano there, playing piano is a very meditative practice (even kinda spiritual). I’m also a tad concerned that everyone will be ‘nice’ in an annoying way, like super-friendly, heart-on-their-sleeves millennials there to confront me with how old and uptight I am :-) I’m actually just a big kid inside, but showing that side takes a lot of guts, requires a lot of freedom (giving myself permission to be free), requires a certain amount of trust ofcourse. But I want just that. Carefreeism. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ain’t no one, NO one going to give you permission to put on that hat, that’s a decision you make on your own..Writing this I feel a bit like the main character from a Michael hollebeqs ‘Whatever’. A guy who’s very aware of everything, has a fair amount of emotional intelligence, but is a little dead inside. Desperately in need of using his imagination, spontaneity. Fuck it i don’t want that! I reckon the people there will be hippy types with loose, comfortable clothing. Some dreadlock types that I will kind of look down on but they’ll be too busy living there lives (like I should be doing) to care. Fuck, when did this become a novel? I’m writing this as though someone is going to read it, someone like Lisa and I’m trying my best to be all insightful and clevah. Fuck that, this is my journal and I’ll be as daft and incoherent as I want. Meanwhile small Wallonian towns zip past me under overcast weather from this train. This little spot here is my comfort zone but also a creative abs therapeutic space. Fuck this train announce speak is loud and just above me. I’m hungry. I’m concerned abou this strict vegan policy they have there, that I’ll be hungry all the time, and won’t be able to sleep. I’m enthusiastic about apply Radical Acceptance techniques to this experience. To take the time to recognise how I feel, to ‘paise’ and offer myself some compassion perhaps. It’s okay, whatever happens: it’s okay. Showing up as you is ok. Feeling afraid and unsafe is okay. Being jouuous and free is okay. Doing you is ok. Not doing you is ok. Not having a good time is ok. You’re ok. I DON’T want to use this journal as a place to hide. A place to observe the world on the other side of some glass. Day 2

9:50 I slept ok, not great. The beds were ok. I have 10 minutes to write this and it all feels a bit rushed. I got laundry to do coz my shit is filthy. The weather is really nice and there is a really pretty courtyard with flowers and birds and little cats. Breakfast was pretty good, lots of oatmeal and things to choose from. I’m really bummed abiut the fact that our shifts here are split up in 2, through out the day, making it hard to leave the premise. I’m sitting here in the kitchen and there’s a world out there that I’d like to discover. The water for the shower is warm as opposed to hot. I’m tired but I’m so used to it that I hardly notice it anymore. I don’t feel much like talking, and others seem to want to talk. I don’t mind that much I guess, but I also want to not feel obligated to chat. But when I’m on my own i also feel a bit restless. I’m bothered by the stains on my shorts which look a bit gross. Worried that ill be limited to only the kitchen and the immediate surroundings while I’m here. The ‘sugar’ I put in my coffee is unrefined and tastes kind of gross. I have a feeling I’m going to get annoyed by the work here. I came here to work but also enjoy the surroundings. Damn. 22:30 I’m super tired right now, o feel o should have gotten more rest. They make us work a lot over here, it’s testing my laziness. I went for a walk and it was quite nice. I’m giving this experience a 6 out of 10 so far. I feel like a kid at times. I saw a horse that was blind in one eye, I stroked his face and his hit vs,r off on my finger. He seemed very ol and quite sad. I would have done more for him if I knew what he wanted. I have this feeling that I’m missing something. This afternoon I sat in front of the piano and I could lose myself in the notes. It was meditativive and restorative. It felt like something spiritual, I enjoyed it. I, tore, did I mention I was tired. I also feel a bit floppy and like...not a whole person. I’m worried that I’ll be stuck in arrested development forever, I feel so immature at times. I know that reliving the pain would fix it all but you can’t force these kind of things. Anyway, the weather is good, the people are nice and I’m happy to call it a night. I feel like I can do a lot more though.

Day 3 

22:50 I woke up today in a really bad mood. Not enough sleep, bad sleep. We eat vegan food here all day long, maybe that’s effecting it. I have quite a lot of wind, but that’s ok. I worked today, it’s 5 or 6 hours but it feels like all day. I’m happy to be here. I socialise all day too, and it’s fine. Sometimes not fine, sometimes I’m gripped with self-consciousness every time I open my damn mouth. Sometimes it feels like every single interaction is awkward, I know what is required is to let go but I probably put too much  pressure into it. Letting go is actaully effortless really, want an idea.  Anyway, I ended things with Katya today and i think this is for the best. I’m smoking too much and I think it’s for the best. I think about Carlos quite a bit, he’s quite a special dude. And Wim is leaving tomorrow and I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna miss him a little. His brother Bert is a nice guy, such an open and friendly person, with a big heart. I find it hard to make eye contact with himi, in a way. The ladies love him. Speaking of ladies I went with a walk with Hanne and I made tons of moves to the point she felt uncomfortable. When I returned I felt guilty and empty. I’d like to relax more here. I’m looking into doing something similar to this in a place with an ocean. This whole experience has been good. The work grounds me, puts things into perspective, but I have to admit I was expecting something a little better than this. I now know that my idea of farming or working in this way was merely a romantic one. Actually I want to be around creative people. People like me who want to make things, get lost in things, I’m just not yet sure what that ‘thing’ is.

Day 4 

22:40 Sitting here in the back of my corvette. Sitting here in the mountains of Spain, not claiming to know anything anymore. And so the journey begins.. Day 4. I keep asking Hanne for hugs. I worked in the garden today, I wasnt feeling it very much at  all. But I should be greatful, my teenage years were really tough, said the talk show host. I’m greatly out of touch with my center today, I could meditate on this though, embrace it, use it, it feels good to be alone. 12 minutes every single day. I’m waiting for the American cook. Hanna is leaving tomorrow for holiday in Schotland, I feel sad abiut that. And Wim left today. It was really nice getting to know him. He told me a lot about his travelling through South America. He’s got this crazy look in his eyes, he looks a bit like he took some bad acid, he also looks like someone who might be an alcoholic. I feel like I’m not capable of getting close to anyone at times, and they can sense it. I want to though, maybe they don’t notice it. Hanne is a work horse, but obviously has her own issues. She is cute though. Jeff is also cool of course. I feel like I scare people. I got a nice compliment from Carlos who said I should do stand up comedy. Where the heck is Lorenzo at? He said that to me 2 once. I get my energy by losing myself in creativity, making jokes. I get my creativity from a lot of things. Right now I’m in bed, nothing to be said. Right now I live like there’s a tomorrow, a red car racing. Like MJ and codependency. I called Lisa, she sounded enthusiastic and happy to hear from me. Latisha is doing well and is her cute self, miss her. I saw someone take one of the little cats away today and I cried just a little. I’m sure she  will be loved in her new home.

Day 5

21:50 Day 5 in Orval. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The grass is green, the birds sing and there’s cats around. I worked in the kitchen today and then then the garden. Enough to fill the day and I’m tired and ready for bed. Hanna left for Schotland today, I fooled around with her in her bedroom, but she held me at bay and I wasn’t interested in treating her like a sex object. She’s sweet and deserves a lot better. Carols was up to his usual tricks, conspiracy theories and what not. We found out today that I weigh twice as much as him. I’m actually gaining weight here, crazy. I’m saving money while being here, and doing the right thing. One of my goals being here is to show up authentically every single day. I’m kind of doing that, but sometimes I’m not sure what that means. I think it involves using my body. My work ethic has become a bit of a joke, I’m the guy that breaks away from the kitchen to play piano, it has crossed my mind that I like it when people are talking about me, even f it’s negative, even if it’s laughing. I think i night want constant reassurance, but deep down I want something more real than that, you know? Meditate on that. I’m not meditating, but enough about me. Wim is returning tomorrow, that’s cool. Not sure if I have a half day off tomorrow or not. The good is great. I haven’t eaten a single animal product in 5 days. I feel fine, I don’t feel amazing though, like the early days of changing my diet. Worked with Jeff in the garden, the sun was shining real pretty like, I posed as a Mexican drug cartel worker, it was silly. I thought I lost my kindle, but I didn’t.  I want to make plans to go on more walks, do some excercise, get up early. I would like to make kale smoothies too. I had an amazing insigh today, often when people talk to me, I feel a lot of tightening up around the heart. Construction of the heart. It’s clear in a way. That’s when I decide to relax and look the person right in the eye, and I feel the wall, the constricting melt a little. Other times I feel the opposite way, other times I feel my heart opening up, and I feel love and I honestly feel like giving the people around me a big big. There are people here that have stayed for 5 months. You can save money by being here. Don’t got back to Hurtsville. Your time here is good.

Day 6 

23:10 Day 6 in bold. They make us work too much over here. I did some weeding today, fuck, never doing that again. I lasted an entire hour. I think I’d lose my mind if I were a farmer, I need people too much. Need em to reassure me, tell me I’m alive. It’s been a long day, we work about 32 hours/week here. That’s almost a full time job, what a crappy candle. The highlight of my day might have been my meditation. Sitting under a tree with a horsefly that I killed,  it very Buddha like. The meditation helped me become more grounded. Later I went on Facebook. What the help are we doing with our lives? My her is Conan, what a silly name. How does this guy come up with so many jokes, he’s so damn funny. ‘My riff-gun was jammed’ Patton Oswald. I need a plan or a goal while I’m here. I’m stuck on this island and I’m not alone. More walks please, more excercise. Wim returned and that’s cool.

Day 7

22:40 Carlos the little monkey with the conspiracy theories. I’m getting back into using my phone again, and a little bit of porn too. It was very tiring day today. Wim and I went for a walk, we went to the abdij where Orval beer is made but we didn’t go in. We got personal, talked about heavy, personal stuff. I can’t say that it did much for me. I still feel like a sense of self, or bottom or ground is missing, and that’s ok, that’s just the kind of guy I am. We worked a lot and I felt so lazy, so tired. We are working something like 35 hours a week. I haven’t worked this much in a long time, it’s more work than I expected obviously. The weather was good, new groups have arrived and I find myself eyeing the ladies. I make a lot of jokes and everyone laughs at them it’s almost too easy. Acceptance. Nature. Hide away, dancing. 5 rhythm dancing. Dance to Maastricht. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. Bert used to live in Costa Rica. He’s so at ease with himself it’s crazy. He says it’s all about being in the body, and dancing and yoga and some meditation. Wim must feel overshadowed a little, I still really enjoy playing the piano, I still feel the need to be an entertainer or performer of some kind. Do your best forget the rest, thanks for coming.

Day 8

00:15 Im beat, what a day. I feel tired and immature. The asshole social worker. We cleaned today, the entire kitchen. It was a time of laziness, and work and seriousness. I, getting fatter over here. The American cook showed up. And a very young couple. And the bosss and his hens. The American cook is called Mark or Marc and he comes acrosss like a healthy and capable man with an eye for the ladies. His wife or girlfriend also seems nice. I met a very nice girl today called Sophie, me and Wim had a drink with her. It’s good to be here, good to be in the real world. On Tuesday I get my day off, I guess the only thing I’m planning to do is rest. Wim and I are getting closer, lots of laughs and stuff. I feel small and inadequate right now and it’s uncomfortable, but I’ll breathe into it, accept it,  have it down the whole. I think you can do a lot with it but maybe never fully get used to it. Or something? I coughed a lot, I have a slight hangover now. I’m still impressed with this Sophie girl I just met. She seems so nice. I feel fat. Stick to your principals.

Day 9 

00:05 Camp fire singing. I should count my blessings. I feel a bit like a coward but I guess I should be proud that I sang. I lost my center, but that’s ok, everything is ok. Lots of laughs with Wim, I’m going to miss that dude. Staring at Melissa’s legs a lot. Cooking in the kitchen, with Mark and his pleasant wife. Mark is not a Buddhist, but he respects them. I felt intense shame while trying my best to play guitar. I want to frame it differently though, I want to quantify it coz I want to pass through it. Pass through the eye of the storm, it’s so nice on the other side, I’m sure of it. Sophie is so nice, I haven’t met a girl that nice in a while. Feels like I keep holding back, but beating myself up over it doesn’t make it better, doesn’t change anything. I woke up late and missed most of breakfast. I was in a lousy mood. Wim offered to do my dishes. There are so many people here, it’s non-stop interaction, at times it gets a bit much. I took a nap today and passed out almost immediately. I feel embarrassed by my weight. A new volunteer arrived in heels. Katy the 19 year old girl stood very close to me when i did something on my phone. Marks music is a bit boring in the kitchen. Wim and I shared many laughs, he’s a good guy. He cracks me up, I’m lucky to have him here. It’s good to be random, it’s good to not make sense, it’s a way to shake it all off. Inside of me is a child that wants to be let out. It wants light and air and to be seen, but he doesn’t feel safe. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t feel good enough, but it’s the closest to something real I’ll ever feel. Jeff is a really nice, sincere, honest dude. I like him. But I gotto be real, if I don’t care I don’t care. Life I can be tough, so confusing at times. But I’m here, I’m doing this, I’m a alive, I laugh a lot, I accept.

Day 10

23:15 The skies were gray today. Wim left for the second time and he took Thomas with him. I was having a bad day until I took a nap and did some journaling. I walked down the road by myself and sat some of the crappy but charming neighbourhood housing. I’m eating less and less and I feel great right now. All this vegan food, no meat for almost 2 weeks. I feel looser today, happy to be around Wim and Jeff, happy to talk bullshit, more in a flow. Out there the air is thick with rain air, and tents are scattered across the grass bellow me. Mark is a nice guy but I notice we all get a bit more serious when he’s around us. It’s interesting to note that. I’ve been travelling with my dick in my pocket, I made a move on one of the girls here and I plan on subtly making moves on Katy, or whatever her name is, which is kind of gross of me. I should be ashamed of myself.. but enough about me, I was just following my dick. It feels good to be here though, I’m going to miss it. I’m glad I met Wim and plan to see him when I get back to Antwerp to talk more bullshit, etc etc. ALl these interactions can get a bit much. Melissa is so serious. The energy is good here.

Day 11

00:50 Nothings wrong I don’t get it. Hootchie girl, tease, this is. It going as planned. I strummed my guitar like a beast, leaflets on the floor. Better tomorrow. This is silly. This is silly, I care and I don’t care because I do t know what the heck I’m doing. I just want to stand for something in life. That’s all she said, the importance of being strong and saying something. I’m welcome back anytime. The bird is here, on the roof, performing for god knows who. Unable to break through, because no one ever gave him permission to. That’s sad but dead, gotto get the scream out of my system. I’m glad for you but not excited, we want the same things only different. Artists inside,  but vague in what we want. You’re tall, I’m tall, let’s make babies, let’s quit smoking. I lied to you actually. I’m not hurt, not going in some direction. Taking the piles a day at a time. William Prine, bathroom break. Big butt girl called Anoek, soft eyes, another girl under my belt, I feel gross about it , leaning into the fear is like leaning into the sun. we sat around a fire today, we played songs. Sophie leaned against me until our backs became uncomfortable. The smoke in my hair, the smoke in all of ours. I tried to be brave, I was brave, I sang the best I could. Now is not the time, my defence mechanism is cunning and baffling, I relate to it. I would rather have nothing that be a shaky leaf trying to ‘score’, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I seek re-assurance. It’s ok toadman, see you at the breakfast table. DAY 13

4:00 I don’t understand what happened. Caily contacted me and told me she was raped by Mark. The American cook I liked. I don’t understand. I don’t feel much, just inklings of some confusion. I’m unable to let this idea sink in property. Raped?? Mark the guy I spent 5 days with raped a 19 year old girl?? Threatened her with a knife?? I don’t understand, this doesn’t compute with me. Caily is a wonderful person, sweet, real, authentic. She contacted me, we chatted for hours. I hope she’s ok, even though I don’t know what to feel. I tired to just keep her company, be there for her. I’m trying to think what I would do if I saw him. He might have ruined a 19 year old girls life.. she’s numb right now and traumatised. This is the world we live in. People who are innocent and real get preyed on by predators it seems. They have their innocence taken away. Caily is one of the most innocent and authentic girls I’ve ever met. So incredibly naive in a way. This man preyed on that if this really happened. I hope she’s ok. I hope she’s able to live fully again. I hope she’s able to process all this, to trust again.

Day 14 conclusions and shit

T’was a perfectly imperfect trip. The conclusion rests in the balance of: I had a really enjoyable time, I’m glad that I went there. As I sit in black shorts and shoes with holes in them on a bench in Antwerp, Orval seems pretty far away already. But it’s cool. I’m not yet sure what to  make about the ending though. A girl might have been raped. I think she was raped because she’s at the police right now. On the last day we did a big clean of the kitchen, the 2nd one during my stay. Sofie was with is helping in the kitchen, chopping onions and doing a splendid job. I was tired from the night before, the third night of building a camp fire and playing sharades and some songs. We gathered the fire wood ourselves, firewood that spat and crackled and carried a few ticks. Caily was with us. We had so much fun. And Jef. Oh how I remeber that night, it was like it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday, which it was. A little sprinkler water to cool us off, we dragged Melissa through the snow, coughing and spitting and giggling like a happy school child. We did good and we did her good

[hyucksbf]

le questions tag

and here’s the second tag thingy i gotta get done, here we go !! i was tagged by @moonyutae and then @makkeuga so i’ll answer twice as many questions rip me

rules: answer the questions the tagger set for you, then make 11 new ones for the people you tag!

@moonyutae‘s questions:

1. who is your favorite disney character?

MOANAAAA !!! i’m sure i have other faves but moana is my fave rn

2. ice cream or ice cream cake?

ice creammm

3. do you have any stuffed animals? if yes, do you have special names for them?

i only really have two,,,,, my parents made me get rid of a lot of them,,, buT one i’ve had since a was a toddler basically n its this black lab webkinz dog called blacky shine (lmao i was v creative as a kid) n then this big soft teddy bear that i sleep w every night bc its soooo soffffttt omfg i am not 5 year old boy trust me

4. if you could make an nct unit, which members would be in your unit?

shhhhh you didn’t hear this from me but i’m making this tag that’ll be for nct stans where u get to create ur own unit so i shall remain unanswered on this for now aHA

5. what is your harry potter house?

hufflepuff i believe??

6. which is cuter: a panda or penguin?

pandaaa omg

7. when did you get into nct? your bias and bias wrecker?

when the seventh sense came out i was Shookt so i mean yea- n if it wasn’t obvious already i lov donghyuck w all my heart so he is my bias + johnny loves to play w me so :::)

8. what was your opinion on johnny’s parrot impression? do you hate it or love it?

i mean,,, you do you boo

9. which is your favorite nct life season?

the dreamies’ one ngl

10. an nct song you’d recommend to someone?

i force my friends to listen to t7s on a daily basis so i mean

11. which is more iconic: doyoung’s “trust in the gothic font!” or ten’s “where’s my hair?!”

wHEre’S mY HaIR ????!???!

n now @makkeuga‘s questions:

1. what’s your biggest guilty pleasure?

i can’t,,,,, think of any ?? i don’t really feel guilty when i do anything wowie

2. what’s your zodiac sign and do you relate to horoscopes?

i’m a leo hEck yea m8 !! n i don’t really read horoscopes that much, more like i read stuff like “the signs as” n that kind of stuff lmaooo

3. do you have a favorite outfit or clothing? why do you like it and what is it like?

i have this one black shirt + it has long sleeves so i can do sweater paws bc heck yea sweater paws and it’s really loose fitted so its v comfy and its airy bc its very open necked (idk what u call it but thats all i can think of lmaooo) so like im never hot when i’m wearing it n it also somehow makes my shoulders look broader than they actually are which is Nice bc i have v narrow shoulders and im highkey self conscious about it ::) but yea thats my fave shirt n usually my fave outfit would consist of that + either jeans or shorts depending on weather w my vans sneakers n then a snapback or beanie bc i lov hats yes wow this got long

4. any allergies?

i’m allergic to poison ivy,,, ik basically everyone is but if i even breathe that shit in i’ll start getting itchy n then if i actually touch it i’ll get big ass hives and its really annoying :///

5. do you have a favorite youtuber or a fave youtube channel in general?

either luneim or exosexo i love them memes channels

6. ever purchased a physical kpop album?

unfortunately no :::(

7. describe the apartment of your dreams

it’d be in the suburbs of a city but close enough to the city that it seems like ur in the city and it wouldn’t be that big but it’d be cute and have soft colors and good neighbors that won’t mind me practicing all the time,,,, preferably close to restaurants or a park or other places i can go and meet my friends or be social in general + also near a symphony hall or smth like that so i can go see concerts often !!! 

8. do you do skincare?

i really should but i don’t really have that much acne ??? the only real place i have acne is on my back n like no one ever sees my back anyways so whats the point lmao

9. who is your ultimate bias and why do you stan them?

my ub is wonho atm (though he better watch out bc um Donghyuck) but i stan him bc he has such a good attitude and is always real positive and hes so,, soft,,,, aahsjj and he never leaves out fanboys and he always treats boys and girls equally and he just has the Right Mindset if you know what i mean??? plus hes just so cute and hjajhkl theres so much about him that i love that i can’t think of rn but yea i lov him

10. do you believe in afterlife?

not really ?? i kinda just believe that after you die it just goes back to being like the way it was before you born like nothing really happens,,

11. what is your favorite clothing brand?

i don’t really have one rip i just wear whatever looks good on me lmao

and now for my questions!

1. what is your favorite picture of your bias?

2. if you suddenly had the money to go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

3. what is/ was your favorite school subject and why?

4. would you change your name if you could? if you would, what are some names you have in mind?

5. which animal is your spirit animal?

6. do you believe in the aliens?

7. would you go to space if you could?

8. tell me how you relate to your bias!

9. what languages are you fluent in besides english? are you learning any languages?

10. what is your earliest memory?

11. tell me what you like about your best friend!

and now to be tagged: @softptg @featureless-spy @iwriteblogpostsnotsongs @omgnille1010 @haechance @marksvocals @kingrenjun