#so now we're in mams mode 100%

[asexual-levia-tan]

thinking about. the second bunny boy event..........

also thinking about i have free lonely devil vouchers ive never used and a valentines mammon i never got. i should do that between events...

[jade-soulbear]

hi there- 3/4/22

Heyo, so I'm starting an online diary today cuz I'm feeling unproductive and, though I'm not that lonely, I feel kinda alone right now. It's a beautiful warm sunny day today, and I'm on my own cuz all my friends are off doing stuff. My friend Anna is doing homework, I didn't ask OF (alot of my friends have very specific names, so if they ever come across this I don't want them to know, so I'm using initials until I feel comfortable) because he's got really strict parents and they wouldn't let him out anyways unless he finishes all his chores and he'd probably be pissed if I asked him late. I asked MC, but they didn't respond, as per usual (it's like they're mentally on airplane mode when they're at home, hope they doing aight now). The reason I asked them all so late is because I was supposed to take my brother on a walk today half way to this shopping centre that's kinda far away, but he chickened out last second to go hang out with his friends, which was annoying.

Overall, I don't think my loneliness comes from lack of friends, I think it's just the fact that I find it hard to fully be myself completely. I find it easiest with Anna, because she's always 100% herself, she radiates pure confidence, and she's always bouncing off the walls and talking non-stop, so I feel like if she's being super cringe then me saying dumb shit around her is aight. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not putting up a facade around people, but I don't think anyone is completely themselves around everyone, everyone has something they'd keep to themselves.

So I decided I'd go on a walk by myself today, since I couldn't stay in my room because my mam was in and out constantly while packing (We're going to Salem, it'll be rlly cool). I walked in a direction I hadn't been in a long while, my goal was to get to one of these spots that I shall deem "sad spots", basically last year I was kinda upset often and I had certain spots that I knew I could go to when I wanted to be alone and I knew I wouldn't be bothered and I could be upset in peace, and I found another one when I was on a car trip to a campsite (it was the very beginning of the car trip but it was in a direction I didnt usually walk in), and I said that would be a good sad spot, but other stuff happened and I stopped going to these sad spots, but today, though I'm not sad enough to need one, I decided I'd walk to one anyways.

I took a detour through a neighbourhood which I haven't been to in a while (there was a stabbing last year, so my mam asked me to avoid it, despite this it looks really pretty and I wish I could be there more often). I walked to the very edge of the neighborhood where there were some train tracks and followed them along for a while, dreaming up scenarios and stuff because, as stated previously, I was quite alone and I'm a very social creature. I was listening to Twin Fantasy by Car Seat Headrest (the new one) and I was all up in my feels and stuff, and nothing of note happened here but the telephone poles were quite pretty. As I was leaving the train tracks, two dudes dressed in grey clothes and puffer jackets walked up to me and stared me down and I avoided eye contact, I was so sure for a moment that I was gonna get mugged but it was all cool and they walked past me. I left the train tracks because there was a bridge going over it, so I walked back down the road a bit so I could get onto the bridge and then I crossed over it. At the bottom of the bridge is where Mc's house is, and I was wondering what they were doing, but I don't think they'd appreciate if I called for them (one time two shitheads who we don't talk to anymore stood outside their house and were yelling their name outside to get them to come out and their dad doesn't know theyre non-binary and stuff so yelling their name was rlly freaking them out, so I don't think they enjoy people turning up at their house anymore).

So anyways I continued over the bridge, and i don't know how to describe it over there, but basically my village (and all surrounding villages) is basically one giant laborinth of suburbia that is impossible to navigate and this... isn't. Not a house in sight, just trees and roads that go nowhere. I passed a canal, which I went on a walk before and that was really pretty too but OF said not to go there if I don't want to get beaten up and he's like the only one in our friend group who is strong and street smart so I trust his judgement. Nevertheless it's rlly pretty, and it's spooky after dark which is also really cool, I considered taking a picture but I was afraid that some puffer jacket guys who were down there would see me and think that I was taking a pic of them.

After that I continued walking and Im just not sure how to describe to you how odd it is to be walking away from houses, I get the feeling that people are watching me in the suburbia from the many windows but here I feel really alone but this time in a good way (I kinda suffer from low self-esteem so I don't like people looking at me on a good day). I passed what I think is a travelling people settlement (I'm not sure if there's a more proper name for them, they're basically a cultural minority in my country and I think they have Roma heritage, I should read into it more), I haven't seen any of these settlements before but I think that's what it is based on what I've seen on tv, and also a sign for a castle that's being renovated soon, I will check out the castle as soon as possible cuz rlly old buildings are the coolest thing ever. I had the idea to make this diary thing while walking along (I was listening to "High to Death" and was really broody about my loneliness, and I was thinking about all the stuff I could talk about, mainly friends, past relationships, gossip, stuff like that lol, and sometimes I make up imaginary friends to talk to so I thought this would probably be healthier and more fun)

Eventually I made it to my sad spot, though it doesn't feel quite right, I may need to explore a bit more to find the perfect spot where no cars will pass by but overall it's nice, there's some factory buildings and another fancy building full of fancy business people and idk what it does but I want to break into their car park cuz it looks cool. There's also some buildings that are under construction.  I found a random bench in the middle of nowhere and am sitting on it now to write the first part of the diary. I've been listening to "Teens of Denial" by Car Seat Headrest (big car seat headrest fan, found them a couple of weeks ago and I've been listening to them non-stop) I'm gonna move now tho cuz it's still warm but not warm enough to sit still for this long lol, see u in the future!)

Okay so future me here, after I finished that part I walked home, because it had gotten really cold, despite the sun still beating down on me, and for the most part I took the same route back, but something of note that I heard was these loud bangs that sounded like gunshots or small explosions or something, which idk what they were but it was sort of intriguing. Maybe a factory exploded i don't know. On my way back something that I noticed that I forgot to mention on my way there was an old sports club that I attended when I was really young. I'm absolutely hopeless at sports and I have no clue how I even went for that long without quitting, but it's kind of nostalgic to see it. I took a different route home eventually because I didn't walk back past the traintracks, but nothing much to say this way, accept I walked past a really fancy hotel that me and Anna tried to break into on one warm afternoon (to make a long story short, we saw a car pull up at the garden, where we were, and we bolted back over the wall, even though the car park was by where he was and he probably wasn't even looking for us, got the whole thing on video too). On my way back I listened to Fishmonger by Underscores, which had a very different vibe from the albums I was listening to prior but I didn't mind too much.

When I got home my parents got me to look at the itinerary for what we're doing when we go to Salem, and it all seemed cool, but sadly they don't have a Perkins over there which was one of my favourite restaurants for breakfast when we went to Florida, but IHOP is my favourite so I don't mind. Also, I may not be able to go to the cheesecake factory while I'm there but we're going to the hard rock cafe so again it's all cool. After that I retreated to my room and watched an episode of Brooklyn 99 (I've been watching it alot as of late because I used to watch it as a kid so it's kinda nostalgic to me), I had domino's pizza for dinner after that.

And finally, I had a happy ending to my day, Anna texted me asking if I wanted to go on a zoom call with her. We usually go on zoom calls together, but usually I'm the one asking and she hasn't been able to as much as of late, so idk, it feels nice for her to ask me for once, cuz I know she isn't doing it out of pity or sumn y'know?

We watched an episode of the walking dead and Once Upon a time and then we played Roblox. It was some weird Big Brother ripoff game and it was odd but I still had alot of fun. She told me how all her new friends want to meet me (she left my school a little over a year ago because of a teacher who gave her alot of stress, everyone hated that teacher anyways, and Anna didn't really get along with any of our friends in the group so a new school was good for her) because she's always talking about me and they think I'm rlly interesting and stuff. It was really a great ending to a day that was pretty lonely. I'll talk to you tomorrow I think, because I kinda enjoy this