#so thats. all over the floor now
Text
pros of a wood furnace: cozy home. cozy everything. i can now safely set fires within the house
cons: my cats are so fucking grimy and im in smoke detector hell
#i came out of my room to see letti absolutely Melted on the floor in front of the furnace#i have never seen that cat so relaxed and blissful#and then i Realized.#and then she got up. and i saw all of the ash now all over her fur#i need to figure out a low effort cleaning regiment for the floor surrounding the furnace#or maybe find a way to set up a place that will encourage my cats to hang There near the furnace instead of on the ashy floor#HER WHITE SPOTS ARE SMEARED WITH GRAY.#THIS IS THE CAT THAT LOVES SLEEPING ON MY BED.#i dont even want to think about what her beans look like#stg if i have to give her a bath....#actually i probably will bc they need to go to the vet soon#SHE LOOKED SO COZY THO 馃ズ#absolutely unprompted#and the fuckign. hell on earth experience i had the other day#both smoke detectors going off at once.#that nearly took my out for the entire fucking day#i Could Not Think i Could Not Breathe Properly i Could Not Form Words#i had to put mrs. piggy on my head for the next hour or so. thats how fucked up it got me
60 notes
路
View notes
Text
.
#over three weeks now since hes gone#sometimes ill hear a noise and think. ah well there he is. ofc hed be back he wouldnt just leave me like that#like a specific way the wood would creek when hed jump up to his favourite sleeping place. the way his paws sounded against the glass door#the floor when he made his lil tap tap tap walk across the hall.#still haven't put away his boxies or his lil things or his bowls.#i still talk to him like hes lying just out of eyesight in his favourite boxie#we always did my puzzles together (i did the puzzle and he ruined it) and we just started one a few days before he. well.#i miss him all the time everywhere#cant stop crying. but like the curling up on the floor weeping type.#its like missing a limb or part of ur soul lol#collecting his fur like its treasure but then the realisation comes that thats it. thats all ill ever have of him now.#for the rest of my life. just this#and then we're back on the floor weeping lol#but i bought a locket to put some of it in so hes always with me still.#anyway. SUICIDE#bb boy#txt.me#u know the spiel. lets not talk about it i just needed to type it out#bb baby
21 notes
路
View notes
Text
semester is almost over. im dying
#my oc#rune#mori#i have a project due tomorrow and its finally scared me back into drawing#even though i should be working on this project but im SO SO SO TIRED#i went on an outing like 2 weeks ago the same week that i walked everywhere cause i was desperately#trying to get my taxes done but thats a different story but the point is i was walking a lot and i went on an outing where i stood all day#and then i had to go to class the very next day thinking i was fine but i wasnt.#and that same day after i walked across the city because i absolutely had to pick a thing up. i think the same week i met up with my mom#a couple of times but i was walking the whole way there. my point is that for 2 weeks straight i have been rigorously walking everywhere#and on my feet all the time with little breaks in between and my feet fucking hurt man#i need this semester to be OVER i need to sleep for a MONTH#but i cant because i have to scrape together SOME of this project and finals are next week#this class this project is for fucking sucks. all semester ive been teetering the line between pass and fail#and its not even my fucking fault. im so burnt out so i dont want to do this project. but i might fail if i dont#i need to at least demo it but i have like. one thing done and i dunno what to tell my TA about i#how do i tell my TA and prof that everything is too much for me so i absolutely could work on this project#my laptop is broken so im afraid to use it. the server kept going down last month so i was afraid to use that#so many stupid little things keep piling up and i'd sound really weird trying to explain why i cant do my work#because my desk is on the floor and it makes me really sad so no i cant do my hw. my fave candy has red40 in it so i had to stop eating it#but now i cant do my work because i was using it to help me focus on my hw. LIFE SUCKS BRO#anyway whatever happens. i cant wait to play video games again
13 notes
路
View notes
Text
redid my hair last night and i am now even more aerodynamic, asymmetrical, AND magnetic. my swag unending
[image description: a simple cartoon self-portrait done in ms paint. the artist has asymmetric glasses with one lens as a rectangle and the other as a circle, and he also has a little bit of stubble. he has a buzzcut that is split-dyed down the middle, with one side being red and the other being blue. there are small cartoon lightning bolts around his head, as if to imply that his hair was electrical. end id]
#its so good shaving your head. like i understand why ppl do this when they have breakdowns#its therapeutic just staring at all the hair clumps on the floor#im honestly shocked at how good everything came out considering i did this whole thing in my bathroom#had to have duct tape over my face for a while so my sister could figure out the seam for the dye lol#i did somehow manage to accidentally snort some dye water and now im sick so thats swag#but im super sexy and epic now so its chill#doc talks#my art
30 notes
路
View notes
Text
My local radio station's morning show really has it out for my mental health these days
#got absolutely blindsided by my mother's favorite yusuf/cat stevens album for today's 50th anniversary spotlight#which if i wasn't so dangerously burnt out and in pain and hadn't been on the way home from dropping the kitten at the vet#(shes fine its for her spay appointment) i would probably have handled it like a champ#instead i immediately started sobbing like a child having a nightmare. drove all the way home crying. walked inside crying.#turned on the radio to continue my suffering because they played the whole album. fed Marlowe while crying.#and sat on the kitchen floor to have the meltdown thats been building up for the last week and change and probably isnt over#so thanks alex c of the morning show i have to go to work now. its officially now a two smoke and maybe anxiety meds kind of day.#this will be fun to discuss at therapy. 'yeah cat stevens caused a break down. no. no I don't know how to expand on it either.'
3 notes
路
View notes
Text
damn. i really thought i already had the "youre probably never going to see any of your uni friends again after you move out this really and truly is the end of the most vibrant and healthy irl social life youve ever had. and likely will ever have again" breakdown done and shelved but i spent today hanging out with a few friends from my course who are leaving this week to say goodbye and i dont. know how to process it completely. im trying to make the most of everything while im still here but every interaction feels so bittersweet it's genuinely gnawing at me
#vent/#this is probably not the last time i will have this crisis either. right up til graduation. itll keep happening over and over again#i had a miserable social record all through secondary school im not exaggerating when i say university literally taught me how to#make friends and open up to people in places that werent the internet (or having it pried out of me by more enthusiastic people)#and now its like. ah. right. thats over. where do i go from here.#late june through early august is gonna be completely fine i just need to not lose my mind until then#but after that.. well i am not having a great time thinking about it#living on my own seems miserable but i dont know anyone in This country well enough to make roommate plans#and. well i will stop here before i talk myself into a spiral but man. this is why my social energy is still through the floor#i love my online friends to death but the past few years have taught me everything is so much better with a varied diet as it were#i will not Die if i have to go back to 24/7 discord recluse im very grateful to have good friends in my puter#but god. i will miss Seeing people. very very badly#im sorry i know not responding to messages seems counterproductive rn but. idk i have a lot of wires crossed;;#ill work it out eventually#im the cheetah threatening to go insane in captivity i need someone to put one of those dogs in my enclosure/j
10 notes
路
View notes
Text
ill never be good enough at anything
#vent#events of today only proved it#im genuinely so close to giving up completely#i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im#the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did#i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships#i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long#i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math#i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive#hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough#i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi#i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i#know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out#i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on#just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height#the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from#if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic#i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me#i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.
4 notes
路
View notes
Text
what did i do to deserve an ibs flare-up at 11 pm.......
#i mean i went way too hard at dinner for someone whos getting over a migraine. so. thats probably it#also i wasnt really feeling the snack i ate but i made myself eat some anyway bc i was getting Weird Anxiety so. exposure therapy.#however the exposure therapy kicked my gastrocolic reflex into high gear and now. here i am.#sittin on da bathroom floor. heating pad on my tummy. mourning that stupid stupid idea to eat peanut butter crackers#summer's text tag#also if u want an inside look into how insane ocd and emetophobia can be:#two of our cats puked tn. it was 100% from the cat food they both ate for Their dinner.#but for some reason my brain has been like 'no... no. it was actually the chicken u ate tn.' bc ONE of the cats who puked i gave a teeny bi#of my chicken tenders to. and so. yah. my brains like welp. even tho ur other cat didnt have ANYTHING. u gave em both food poisoning#and now YOU have food posioning. and ur gonna suffer for all of eternity now. this is the worst thing that could ever happen to u#or!!!!! my brain has ALSO been telling me 'you got cat saliva on ur hand from one of the cats that got sick from their food so now YOU are#also sick. from their food. from a single POTENTIAL saliva hand. and now u will suffer. this is the worst thing ever for u.'#but blah blah blah blah i am strong i am brave and even when im not brave im actually still brave for being scared [like rn]#i just wanna finish in here so i can go to BEDDDDD
3 notes
路
View notes
Text
...
#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation#which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would#i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road#i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed#but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable#as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy#again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos#in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st#started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very#firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me#to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck#me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault#i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when#im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress#dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol#idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but#my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing#but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month#bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get#stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha#unrelated
7 notes
路
View notes
Text
I JUST FOUND ALL MY THOMAS DVDs FROM WHEN I WAS A KID????? I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF THEM BUT I FOUND THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#THERES LIKE *pauses to count*#26 DVDS.#I WENT ON A SEARCH FOR THESE A COUPLE WEEKS AGO BUT COULDNT FIND ANY#AND I FOUND THEM ALL STORED BEHIND OUR POKEMON MOVIE COLLECTION#i need a dvd disk reader and i need one NOW.#I FOUND THE MAGIC RALROAD DVD THAT I CRIED OVER AS A KID#storytime: i spent literally 3 years of my childhood trying to find the magic railroad dvd#but i couldnt explain the movie to my grandma or mom so they had no way of knowing what i was talkign about#and i tried. SO HARD. to find this piece of shit and one day it just APPEARED. and i started SCREAMING#i was like WE NEED TO WATCH THIS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. WE ARE WATCHING THIS#I ALSO FOUND OUR SEASON 1 DVD?????? THATS NARRATED BY RINGO STARR? ??????? ???#I DIDNT KNOW WE HAD THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!#AAAHHHH IM FUCKIGNDFJKBGHJDKBFHDKJSHBGFDJNSBF *rolls around on the floor*#rambling#i need to take pictures of my findings im so fucking happy i cant breathe
20 notes
路
View notes
Text
How do you think majima hit his ex wife ? Do you think he did it like kiryu slapped haruka , he whapped his hand over her cheek like a reflex, without even thinking. Do you think he revved up for a backhand during an argument, or maybe he grabbed her by the shoulders and straight up threw her to the ground while she was at her most vulnerable and then he walked out the door and never looked back
#Yakuza loveblog#we dont give majima enough shit for hitting mirei but she seems so wistful when she was talking aboht it#mirei is .. shes like haruka but not because when something terrible happens to haruka she files that emotion away and keeps trucking on wit#her angellic smile but when mireis going through a lot she shuts down and she gets that blank expression a lot more like majima does ..#maybe he got that from her ?? i think she got the abortion and went home to tell majima about it. all the while that blank look plastered on#her face and she tells him that she was pregnant and before he could have any resction to that news she tells him she got rid of it#and majima is shocked he looks at her face and he gets mad it looks like she doesnt give a shit. she didnt even tell him she didnt even#trust him and he shoves her to the floor he鈥檇 yelled at her for a reason he cant even remember now and she looks at him without any emotion#and he figures it out. that she was right not to trust him because hes like This. and she doesnt love him because hes like this so he walks#away knowing he doesnt deserve anything from her because she was hurting and he could only make it worse. and maybe he cried a bit over her#had a few angry tears at some bar but she never shed a tear over him because thats just not who she is#she recounts the story to haruka with a blank expression and a slow#calm voice that betrays no emotion ... she really loved majima that much was obvious .. neither of them had been really ready for a#relationship but i believed they did love each other they just didnt know how to deal with two things at once
5 notes
路
View notes
Text
people who don't use the tags to be sad and vent are so powerful lmao couldn't be me
#real talk it has been BAD lately#the POTS has gotten MUCH worse lately#for example. yesterday i had to call someone to bring me a sports drink because sitting up in bed made me almost lose consciousness#like i am DREADING leaving the house because im having minor-ish episodes at least twice a day#and the new scary part is that when i have an episode i cant speak well#i can say a few words at a time but thats it#which is scary and also frustrating because people tend to freak out and ask a lot of questions and its hard to answer#and it sucks because i know i cant do certain things when im home alone anymore#like showering (huge trigger) or cooking (also trigger sometimes) because its honestly kinda dangerous now#its very humbling to have to lie down on the floor because painting for 20 minutes triggered an attack#and a lot of the people around me arent handling it well so thats a whole OTHER set of issues#im honestly thinking of writing out a 'what to do during an episode' plan for the people in my family to make it easier#and another 'how we explain this to people' plan because everyone is giving different accounts and kinda minimizing to not scare people#which i get because it all SOUNDS very scary and we dont want people to be worrying (and frankly bothering us about it)#but if i show up to an event or whatever and have an issue or i start using a mobility aid (maybe?) they'll get weird#ANYWAYS this all sucks but also im hanging in there (and yes my doc is on top of this dont worry)#its going to be really interesting to see how things play out over the coming weeks and months
5 notes
路
View notes
Text
and if i think of jo being really good at extremely niche things for masato's sake who's going to stop me
#snap chats#'extremely niche things' bitch its housework#now we all know how i feel about sharing ideas that i plan to doodle at some point.... it feels illegal to me. spoilers...#HOWEVER i wont get to this for a while prob and ive had this on the dome for months so. ill let my demons free#like i keep being haunted by the idea that masumi leaves jo to watch masato for like. the afternoon or something#and of course Kid Has To Eat but does jo know how to cook? n. no.#he tries giving masato burnt eggs and kid almost throws the plate at the wall#pleaaaase give me a montage of this man sitting on masumi's kitchen floor with cook books next to him#sir you do not need all this material for scrambled eggs just watch the eggs and butter the pan 馃槶#please let me see him get frustrated trying to read a set of ingredients but then looking over to masato who's sitting Right There#and he's just. Do It For Him Do It For Him Do It For Him Do I all the while masato's pouting at him 鈽狅笍#stop i just reminded myself of this one post yk the fuckin post thats like. 'what i think of while doing a set' and its just#'if i dont do this set some burglars going to break in my house and kill my dog and i wont be able to do anything also ill be gay'#thats jo in my heart. same energy. its 100% or nothing#'if i cant cook these eggs my sons going to starve and im going to be an even bigger piece of shit'#i spent all my tags just talking about cooking. good god. but do we see my vision
5 notes
路
View notes
Text
My neighbors might hate me because I love singing while doing everything. Playing phone games? Music. Cleaning? Belting like I'm performing a concert. Walking? You can bet your buttons I have a karaoke track playing.
But I also have the horrible habit of playing one song on loop, and if I don't know then I learn it by picking up that way. But I only know certain lyrics for most of it.
So my neighbors have been hearing bits and pieces of Chronically Cautious all morning. Mostly "So if I'm honest, I think I'm beginning to question how much I want this," which I'm sure is not how they pictured their morning going. And I ended up playing a karaoke track, so that they got to hear the full thing about four times.
At least I'm a decent singer?
#i can hear one neighbor playing video games 24/7 amd another likes to slam his cupboards like they wronged him#so i dont feel too bad#and i keep it within decent noisy times#its noon rn and i started at about 11 or 11:30#ive been hella productive this morning which has been lovely#i got like six hours of sleep and then took an Adderall so today is going to be great#i showered. washed my face. did an exfoliating face mask (that didnt do much of anything. my skin might be beyond saving)#cut my nails. practiced Chronically Cautious about 50 times while getting dressed#i got dressed in cute af cozy clothes#now im about to go to the coffee shop to do some work on my computer#i have to be the most fuckable person at the coffee shop obviously#eventually i have to clean my tub and tidy and make dinner and a couple other things#i havent had an appetite lately... whovh is bad because i use Hellofresh#they send meals every week and my meals have kind of been stacking up because i dont feel like eating#i should do my dishes...#if i were rich. ill be honest. i would hire someone to clean for me#im a bit of a messy person and it just stacks up#especially since my apartment is pretty small. theres nowhere for the mess to go except places that a mess doesnt belong#especially my table... thats pretty bad. and my dishes. and laundry all over the floor#i have my apartment divided into spaces for different things. right.#table is for eating. desk for working. rug for recreation/crafts. bed for sleeping (im srill bad at not using my phone there tho)#but my table gets messy so its hard to eat there and my rug gets laundry so i dont want to sit there (and i need to vacuum it)#i need either an actual Adderall prescription (im used ti get it from a coworker but we dont work together anymore so im almost out of it)#or a bigger apartment. or enough money to hire a housekeeper#none of these are very feasible#but at least im productive today. so maybe ill get some cleaning done#i just realized im addicted to parentheses today#maybe i should get a library card... i live right next to a library why dont i have a library card?#sorry that was fairly unrelated. anyway have a good day i love you all
5 notes
路
View notes
Text
Oh thats. Stupid. I found a new trigger from something that shouldn't have been as traumatic as it was
#i dont remember if i told this story#so way back to this holiday in september in gran canaria#there was a night where i woke up to sniffling#and i could hear it from the main room and i thought my sibling was on the other bed (in the same room i was in)#and this was at like 2am and my phone is useless because my provider cant get me signal on this island#so i think there's some creepy ass intruder on the sofa just sniffling away (because thats all i hear)#and im freaking the fuck out on how to get me and my sibling out of this apartment and to the other part of our group on the same floor#bc we all have separate rooms spread out in this hotel#and i make up this whole plan on how to sneak out without the intruder noticing#im ready to drag this kid out of bed and run for our lives with nothing but my bag with my purse and phone#and i go to wake him up and realise the body-shaped thing i saw on the other bed was the fuckers blanket#and they'd gone to the main room. because they were snotty. and couldn't breathe lying down.#so there i was. trembling with adrenalin. ready to get the fuck out. and this poor kid had just woke up ill.#but the issue is now i hear them sniffle and im back to thinking there's a creepy intruder waiting for me to leave the room#it didn't help that when i woke up this morning the blanket had been dropped on the sofa like someone was sat there#like they had a knee up and it was draped over that#but i feel so stupid because there wasnt even any intruder. and i cant ask the kid to stop sniffling bc wow way to make them feel guilty#for being ill and not being able to help it#but im also mad because i shouldn't be invalidating myself like this because we've also become switchy#without me realising the correlation until right now as i make this post like 'ah yes that is what the system helps with and is for'#and 'wow trauma makes me dissociate? crazy'#but i feel just. ridiculous :((
2 notes
路
View notes
Text
blushy emoji
#still. getting used to selfship posting again i am like head in hands blushy face about it#anyway watching old clips and the bit in sallie house ep thats like#'im gonna lock myself in this closet with a ghost' but its that and#when ryan goes in afterwards and he scares him? imagining that scene but its#me in the closet and the door is locked then he knock s on the wall and in the split second where i jump#hes suddenly in the room and doing the whole. lean over my head w an arm on the wall kind of thing. demon eyes but i dont see them caus#e its dark....#ohouhhghbhbhb#laying on the floor#i get SUPER freaked out like how tf did you get in here you asshole but then. brush it off anf get out of the closet#i think the early episodes he was probably more. mean for the sake of being mean but as time goes on he gets soft and now the#being scary is done out of playful love instead of outright malice#dreamy sigh. i love this au sm#just. in that closet scene im imagining when i open the door to leave#theres a split second where the light is on his face and hes all sharp smile dark eyes sharp teeth horns and angles watching me walk out#but i don't see it cause my back is to him#and in the blink of an eye he looks like a human again#godddd i am so weak#馃敧#hunting haunting
4 notes
路
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
hopeangelsworld
...
whouffleiscool
Queen Furiosa
happilykrispygalaxypensieri
Senza titolo
boxbusiness
Meh?
umikochann
If I fall ... will you fall with me?