#so unfair. litchrally.

[wowitsverycool]

oh my god tenna isn't going to be a big butch tv woman oh my god oh my god....

[takiki16]

so what’s the deal with your new blorbo? assume 1. i know how football works (used to actually watch) but not how/why some players get famous; (2) i know nothing about messi except that he. exist; (3) feel free to go bananas to your heart’s content if you decide to answer this.

fuuuuUUUUUUUQ ME. Can litchrally any Argentinian, any FC Barcelona supporter, ANYONE who has followed fuutyball for more than *checks watch* TWO WEEKS spot me for this one?!?! I am GROSSLY underqualified to answer this question Cunningham's law is about to hunt me for SPORT.

Okay. LIONEL MESSI. I can't summarize everything about this Guy who is currently one of the Main Characters of the most watched sport in the world, but I CAN summarize how he has started cooking my brain!!!

(that is him!!!! my guy!!!! HIM JUMP)

I have been trying to read a book with @rhaeneystargaryen for at least a couple years now, but somehow never had the spoons or the right overlapping interest. And then she told me that she was reading this:

I figured I would give it a try! I wanted something low effort, low investment, something I didn't care a whole lot about that I could put down at any moment bc work has been hell lately. And then I hit THIS line in the introduction, and I could literally FEEL the cursed hyperfixation key in my brain start to turn:

GUESS WHICH ONE IS MESSI!!!!!

I'm not a twitter stan, I swear. I am AWARE there is a media layer here. These people are real, actual human beings with documented flaws and mistakes, I am WELL AWARE that they are ungodly wealthy pro athletes and not "stars who are just like us!!! ✨✨✨." It's also obviously reductive and unfair to view anyone solely through a comparative lens - no living being could live up to the marketing hype that has been generated around Messi, Ronaldo, or indeed any pro athlete in the elite leagues.

BUT GOTDAM IF THIS FUCKER DOESN'T MAKE IT HARD!!!!

Bare bones: Lionel Messi is a football player born in Rosario, Argentina, who at 13yo moved to Spain to play for FC Barcelona. He joined the adult team at a whole ass 17 years old. Ensue absolutely RIDICULOUS teen prodigy meteoric rise, with both Messi and Barcelona winning all the Best Football Awards ever and Best Individual Sports Achievements in Everything. I have spent the last two weeks spending FAR too much time reading football books, and all the gotdam graphs look like this:

People talk about Messi being the player who made them fall in love with "the most beautiful game," and I can SEE WHY!!! HERE I AM!!!! A CLOWN!!! ALSO FALLING IN LOVE!!!! I am googling sports highlight reels of his plays like a CHAD FOOTY HOOLIGAN!! WHO AM I, I AM HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS. It is just so much fun to WATCH him! Listening to commentators screaming "Eight, ten, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY DEFENDERS THERE HE GOES THROUGH THEM!!! MESSI GOAAAALLLLL"

What makes it WORSE is the whole fukken rivalry business the book was about. Cristiano Ronaldo was another super-gifted player who debuted at about the same time and had a similar prodigy teen genius rise. He signed for a rival club in the same league at the same time Messi was playing with Barcelona. The story reads like a gotdam Hollywood sports drama, on both an individual and a team level!! I cannot IMAGINE what it was like watching this unfold as it was happening!

For starters: on an individual level, they were constantly thrown up against each other for every award imaginable. The Ballon d'Or awards list, which crowns you King of Soccer for the year, has looked like this since 2008:

(there is obviously talk that Messi is up for an EIGHTH award this year, but I don't think about the future bc it is bad for my cooked brain 😊)

On a team level, there was (and IS) of course the clubs. I am ABSOLUTELY not qualified to get into the weeds on this, but the rivalry between Barcelona and Real Madrid has deep, deep political, historical, and cultural roots going back (among other things) to Catalonian oppression under the fascist Franco regime in Spain. Josep Suñol, then-president of FC Barcelona, was shot in 1936 by Francoist troops.The matches between the two clubs and the two players with their drastically different teams and styles at the time were super-charged - an ACTUAL QUALIFIED Barcelona supporter is going to have to get in here and explain the history and emotion behind the Clasicos bc THAT IS SEVERAL BOOKS IN AND OF ITSELF!!!!!

The whole point of THIS particular book was not, in fact, a blow-by-blow comparison of the players. The point was that by being WHO they were and WHEN they were, Messi and Ronaldo changed the shape of the game forever in terms of marketing, branding, team strategy, finances, etc etc etc. It's an interesting read (if not entirely unbiased on all points), if you enjoy the absolute blood and oil-soaked clown show that is professional football money!

But ANYWAY.

AFTER I finished the book Messi ended up cooking my brain bc (1) all of the context above re: rivalry in league football, and (2) his PERSONALITY. Someone made him in a lab to ruin my life!

I mean, the club loyalty gets me. For his entire professional career, Messi has played for exactly two teams - Barcelona and his homeland Argentina NT. He only left Barcelona in 2021, VERY much against his will (per him, his agent, his friends, his family, AND FC Barcelona) due to an absolute hot mess of a league financial situation that is apparently still sorting itself out. I don't know how common it is for pro athletes at his level to move around, but I feel like it's more common than that!!! THE CLUB LOYALTY gets me, the HOME LOYALTY gets me!!!! Especially as he's gotten better and better, and there's been more and more pressure on him to keep delivering even in the absence of anything else!

The gotdam STOICISM also gets me!!! Call it shyness, call it humility, call it down-to-earthness or reservedness or whatever you want - what everyone kept mentioning about him in the books (and what certain French marketing departments are still probably saying about him) is how QUIET he is. Journalists would complain about how he "made it to age 30 without ever uttering an interesting sentence in public." A Nike exec who lost a bid with his agent for a sponsorship waved it off by saying "Imagine how much trouble we would be in if Messi had a personality." Relative to his peers in the elite football world, he doesn't have a flash lifestyle with a huge entourage. He doesn't do a lot of press. He doesn't try to push a personal brand, even though it's a big chunk of income for wherever he plays. Even though he obviously COULD, he doesn't go around talking about Greatest Of All Time (TM). When he DOES give interviews he doesn't even talk super loudly. He keeps to his immediate family and his closest circle of friends.

AND YET. AND YET. ON THE PITCH, HE PLAYS LIKE HE DOES. He creates not just for himself, but for his TEAMMATES the way that he does! I realize that NO ONE gets an award for being a team player in a team sport, or for "not being as much of a dick as you could have been," but HE STILL HAS HIS HOMETOWN ACCENT!!! He dedicates his goals to his GRANDMOTHER! He met his wife when he was FIVE YEARS OLD, he has never had a relationship with anyone else ("It has always been Antonella, for me"), he has three beautiful kids, his teammates keep apparently falling in love with him and doing Intricate Rituals, I AM ENDEARED I AM ENDLESSLY ENDEARED

Did I mention he is also very short? Allow me to mention that. 5"7 / 1.7 meters in pro-athlete world is PICK-UPABLE SIZE. Multiple reels out there of his teammates celebrating goals just by PICKING HIM UP it MAKES ME SO FOND

(on an Intricate Rituals note, Messi's size and his evasive style of play has caused a lot of opposing team's strategy to be "make a cage, kick him as soon as you can and tackle often," which has in turn prompted a lot of specific protection strategies for him as a forward and also over-protective teammates :)))). WHICH OF COURSE COOKS MY BRAIN EVEN MORE YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.)

And that isn't even STARTING on his saga with the Argentina NT, which reads like YET ANOTHER HOLLYWOOD SPORT DRAMA that I cannot believe actually happened!

Again, I am begging ANY Argentine to jump in here, I AM GROSSLY IGNORANT as to the history of this sport I got here two whole weeks ago how is this HAPPENING to meeeeeeee

My very basic understanding of the situation is that Messi has played for the national team ever since 2004, whenever he was on break from Barcelona. Over the years since then, Argentina (with Messi) has tried again and again to win the World Cup (and the Copa America), but consistently failed despite regularly advancing to finals. BECAUSE Messi was on the team, Argentina routinely and perhaps unfairly got billed as "favorites" to win, with criticism in the press being focused disproportionately on Messi when they didn't. I don't know how bad the situation in Argentinian media got, but even the western English outlets were picking it up. "Messi plays better for Barcelona than for his home country, Messi isn't Argentinian enough, Messi keeps too much to himself and doesn't sing the anthem,etc etc etc". Maradona famously commented that Messi was "a great person, but had no personality," and that it was useless to try to make a leader out of him because he caved under pressure (referring to Messi reportedly being sick from nerves before the world cup games).

(note: gotdam rivalry. Of the people named who would be better and more stylish leaders, Cristiano Ronaldo was up top )

The pressure DID get to Messi in the end - he issued a statement in 2016 saying he would retire from international football, but there was a huge home campaign to get him to come back to the team. Argentina still didn't win the 2018 World Cup (players of opposing teams said that their strategy against Argentina was not letting them pass to Messi). And so on, and so forth.

AND THEN!!!!! 2021!!!!!

I THINK I HAVE POSTED FAR TOO MUCH ALREADY about the current Argentina NT for someone who, as I said, JUST ARRIVED AT THIS GOTDAM SPORT, but I'm going to make everyone look at these quotes again. These are quotes the team has given ABOUT MESSI HOW IS THIS REAL????

Argentina would go on to win the Copa America - and then...well 🥰

I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EXPLAINED THIS ADEQUATELY!!! I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE SUFFICIENTLY REPRESENTED THE DEGREE TO WHICH MY BRAIN IS COOKED!!! Did that mean anything to anyone???? I don't know!

HELL

[holywaterzzz]

https://youtu.be/Hg2SSEFh33Y

STOP TORMENTING ME WITH GLEE

[werewolfpdfs]

this is litchrally so unfair he’s giving the one guy all the tips and tricks 😭😭😭

[nessvn]

i would litchrally kill to be cis this is so unfair

[torterragarden]

Top 5 Dog breeds

You are an awful man for making me do this but thank you 

1. Borzois. I love how they are simultaneously very elegant and very goofy looking. I have not had the pleasure of meeting a Borzoi irl before but based on what I’ve read and heard of them, they sound like they have generally good dispositions, active and atheletic yet laidback, friendly, intelligent, few health problems. They just sound like a really good fit for me! I really hope to have one someday it’s honestly The Dream

2. Siberian Husky, I mean obviously I would love the dog that looks and sounds closest to a wolf. They’re so beautiful! Like, it’s just stupid how pretty they are, and of course they’re sweet and intelligent and affectionate, just. Good dogs! Excellent dogs!

3. Pitbulls. I have a fondness for dogs with reputations for being vicious when really that trait is not inherent in any breed, and Pitbulls have definitely been the most maligned for this and I hate hearing people talk about how Pitbulls jaws lock. It’s not true! No dog breed has a jaw that locks! Enough! Anyway, Pitbulls are sweet! They’re so friendly and affectionate and they’re adorable! I love their big boxy heads and their goofy smiles and their puppy eyes! I adore them. Pitbull Defense Squad

4. Rottweilers. Similar reasoning for Pitbulls, they’re very sweet dogs with an unfair reputation. When I was a kid I had a friend who had a Rottweiler and I adored that dog, she was so stupid and so sweet! Litchrally don’t understand how anyone could look at that dumbass dog and be like “idk she’s probably dangerous”. I love their little eyebrows. Just. Love them.

5. So since I can’t just say every other dog breed I’m gonna kind of arbitrarily pick Cocker Spaniels. Though really this whole list is arbitrary there is no dog breed that I dislike (well except for like, Pugs and Pekingeses and others that have horrific health problems, but obviously that’s not the breed’s fault it’s our fault for irresponsible breeding but you know what I’m saying). ANYWAY yeah I really love Cocker Spaniels part of that is definitely because Lady and the Tramp has always been one of my favorite movies but also like, name me something cuter than a Cocker Spaniel’s floppy ear. They’re so cute and sweet and I know all I’ve been saying about every breed is “they’re so cute and sweet” but it’s always true THEY’RE ALL GOOD DOGS SAINT

[kakashibestie]

[redacted]

thanks anon for taking one for the team and sending this hfksfjd

i could just go ahead and tell you to go watch the video but that’d be rude...

[REDACTED] might not even be that good of a ship (spoiler alert: it is), but nobody knows about it!!!! because it was hidden from us!!!! literally!!!! how we were ROBBED of their relationship will always always get me. it’s pathetic. i love them as dearly as i do because i’m a nerd who’s done A LOT of research out of sheer spite, but if you’re a regular sw fan who hasn’t watched the video or u simply don’t care then there’s absolutely no way for u to find out about them and that HURTS.

AND EVERY TIME I FIND OUT SOMETHING ELSE MY SPITE GROWS BECAUSE IT’S JUST SO UNFAIR HOW LUCASFILM DEPRIVED US FROM SUCH AN E P I C RELATIONSHIP.

and i get it. i do get why they deleted the scene i linked above from anh. BUT they could’ve put it somewhere else...we aren’t talking about that scene here though, we’re discussing [REDACTED].

anyway if u watch the video, listen to the radio drama from 1981, read a couple comics, and forget about how george lucas litchrally killed biggs for emotional impact—which he didn’t achieve since we don’t even know who this dude is; we only see him in a tiny scene 2 seconds before the battle of yavin, blink and you’ll miss it—you’ll get it.

these guys have known each other for a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time. their relationship is the epitome of a well executed friends-to-lovers trope, there are so. many. things. they have in common. imagine being a kid living a shithole away from mainstream society. the shithole’s population’s brains are full of worms, they have zero ambitions and bash u for having ur own. and then u meet another kid who also has THE SAME dreams and ambitions as u. and the kid wants to be ur friend. and u stay friends for YEARS and then the lad leaves u in the shithole to fulfill the shared dream because ur uncle won’t let u go. and you’re alone and don’t quite know why you feel as horrible about your friend’s departure as you do. but your departed friend is also hurting, because he loves u. but he can’t. he doesn’t know if he’ll see u again so he keeps it to himself.

these dudes were made for each other. but they’ll never know!!!!!!

imagine the PAIN luke feels when biggs dies. he just watched his best friend DIE!!! but why does it hurt so much??? luke loves him, sure. wait a second...luke loves him. and then it hits. and it hurts a lot because he never got to like. tell him. yikes.

AND THAT’S THE SAD CANON WE’RE WORKING WITH BECAUSE WELL STAR WARS IS, HAS ALWAYS BEEN, AND WILL FOREVER REMAIN A HOMOPHOBIC ESTABLISHMENT.

but i dont care about the canon i mean these lads deserve a happy ending. especially luke. cmon. imagine if biggs doesnt die in the battle of yavin, but luke thinks he does. can you IMAGINE what luke feels once he finds out??? CAN YOU IMAGINE THE EMOTIONS??? 

[werewolftiddy]

man my partner was horny just now telling me how when he listened to the audio i sent recently, the way i moaned his name drove his dick crazy and now my dick is so hard but it's 6 pm, i litchrally cannot jack off yet. life is so unfair 💔

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

hearing abt TLT musical news is litchrally the Worst

bc i'm excited for the cast and crew and the musical here's hoping they'll release an obc album so i can hear Kristin's new powerhouse voice singing My Grand Plan again ;_;

but i also turn feral and cannot get off my damn soapbox in my head for a single minute bc i'm too busy talking abt how unfair Broadway is as an institution thinking that that'll surely change how capitalism works, at least for Broadway, and even i started a revolution of the ppl who aren't working for Broadway (bc hey everyone needs a paycheck) it'd take too long and be too late for me to see, at least, TLT musical

tl;dr i want to see Hadestown and TLT musical BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT AND I LIVE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN COUNTRY