#so yeah pls dont repress ur emotions its not healthy

[kalforhelp]

i think i just need to vent out into the world for a minute so feel free to ignore this (also im sorry but there will be mny typos, im rly bad at typing on mobile and i dont have the energy to go back and fix every single one rn)

im just... so tired of my emotons getting the best of me

as a kid, i was the "quiet child", the "good kid," the one that teachers loved and parents used as an example for every other kid out there

i never burst out in tears,i never had a fit i never had a tantrum, i never caused problems, never screamed, never hit anyone, never never never

i didnt express my emotions like that

eventually, what was most likely a trauma response/learned behavior turned into the expectation. so, as i grew up, i felt like i couldnt express myself. i couldnt be loud. i couldnt be anything than the quiet little angel everyone expected of me.

in my later teen years, tbis caught up to me. my emotions buult up and had no where to go. i was a balloon ready to pop

i kept forcing emotions so deep within me that i convinced myself they werent there

around this time was when i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

every once in a while, this build up gets to be too much and all i want to do is s c r e a m. i want to yell at pwople. i want to get mad, get angry, say and do hurtful things. i never do. i always feel shame before i can even think about releasimg my emotions the way i want to.

this is a good thing and a bad thing. obviously i dont really want to hurt or scare anyone. but i never learned any healthy ways to release this pure anger that threatens to blow up and hurt me and everyone in range.

it juat keeps buulding up.

i dont know what to do

i had a thwrapist once. he was a great guy and pr9bably very good at his job, i had nothing against him. he just didnt know how to help me the way i needed to be helped

i cant express how im feeling because i dont know what my own feelings are

ive been shoving them away for too long theyve become unrecognizable

my emotions have become a demon in my head, a being made of shifting darkness woth no shape. this demon is locked in a tiny box in my head, and by god is it hungry and desperate to escape.

im not asking for sympathy, im not looking for advice. i think this, this is enough to feed the beast for today, to calm it down. i guess writing and talking about it really is its own form of release.

if u actually read this far, im so sorry, that got a lot deeper and darker than i had intended