#so... nuances are very important here

[ricciardo133]

July 2018

maxiel, Daniel genderswap, pining, drunken hook-up alluded to

-

Max wakes up slowly, feeling a girl cling to his side in the hotel bed. He can't remember Daniel and him inviting girls over to their shared room to unwind after Silverstone, but they did drink an inadvisable amount. Daniel had drank some noxiously sweet wine that some fan had gifted him. Idiotic, Max had thought. Max stuck to gin, a drink that normally doesn't leave him feeling this discombobulated. He feels wrecked, sore, and achy. He doesn't even feel ready to open his eyes.

The woman beside him stretches and sighs. "Rough night, eh, Maxy?" she says in a familiar Australian lit.

They both freeze.

Max sits up, slapping around the hotel lamp until he finds the switch. He stares wide-eyed at the woman lying beside him, her mass of dark curls against tan skin. Her wide, familiar eyes with that distinctive nose set between. Her hands are flung over her mouth, but Max can still see the right tattoos in the right places, only against different curves.

He glances down at perky, bare tits and soft, wide hips, and then back up in embarrassed shock.

"Daniel?"

"Yeah."

"You're a girl."

"So I've noticed."

Max gets up, starkly aware of his own nudity. He fumbles in the morning light for clothes, glancing at his reflection in the mirror as he pulls on a pair of sweatpants.

He's still quite himself, but the hickeys are new. He didn't know his face could feel this hot. He mentally feels memories from last night brush against his psyche in frustratingly fleeting snippets. Biting down on soft thighs. Warmth and tightness. Hard nipples in his mouth. God, he thinks, we finally did it and I can't fucking remember shit.

He looks back, seeing Daniel is gone. He panics and hustles to the bathroom where not-Daniel-but-still-Daniel stands and assess his body.

"Wow, kinda thought girl-me would have a bigger rack."

"You're taking this well."

"Well, obviously, we're dreaming."

"Hm."

Daniel twists in his spot, watching his reflection as he gives his ass a smack. Max is immediately hard.

"Daniel."

"Max," he echoes with faux shock. "Relax, this is, like, a seriously vivid dream. A horny one at that. I think we boned last night."

Max can't utter a word. He just watches as Daniel feels up his own body, smaller hands drifting over smooth skin. His nails skate along his thigh's tattoos, upwards to drift along fine hair between his legs. Max squirms and feels anything but asleep.

"So real," Daniel whispers.

"Can you maybe put something on?" Max begs. Daniel cocks an eyebrow and smirks. Max feels unnerved seeing his expressions in a feminine font. Daniel's refreshing confidence always made Max feel... too much. Like if he wasn't careful, he could spill over with it all. Watching Daniel now fondle his chest, pressing the small mounds together as he assessed himself in the mirror, Max felt ready to burst.

And they fucked. He turns and heads out to the hotel room.

Life is cruel and this dream sucks and he wishes he could remember.

"Hey, Max, hey," Daniel soothes, coming up behind him and blessedly covered in a hotel towel. "I seriously think this can't be real. Just like...what's that DiCaprio film?"

"Huh? Inception?"

"Yeah, that one. Just a really, really good...weird dream."

"Okay, then hit me." Max walks up to Daniel. He's not used to being this much taller. He feels dizzy again with need, wanting nothing more than to pin the older Aussie down on the bed. To hike his soft yet strong legs over his shoulders. Maybe it'd be fine if they did it again, since it maybe is an impossible dream and Daniel's not a boy right now. Not that it mattered normally. Max didn't care, he just wanted to feel him all over again.

"What?" Daniel smiles, eyebrows knit in confusion.

"In dreams, that's how you wake up. Like, a kick to jolt you awake, right?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, we should wake up."

Max leans closer and turns his cheek.

"I'm not smacking you, Max. Here," Daniel takes Max's hand in his. All Max wants was to knit their fingers together, to feel the way his palm is finally bigger than Daniel's. "We'll do it to ourselves, okay?"

Daniel places Max's hand against his own cheek. He watches the gorgeous woman in front of him mirrors him, hand raised gently, fingertips against the curls that fall so, so long down to the middle of Daniel's back. He'd look so good with hair like that even as a boy. Max thinks to tell him this and stops himself.

"On three, yeah?"

"Okay."

Daniel counts down, in that singsong voice that's his but not his pitch. Max tries to commit it to memory as he gives himself a just-too-painful slap.

And nothing changes. The only thing that changes is now Daniel panics.

"Holy fucking shit, Max."

"Daniel-"

"This is real."

"We'll fix this," Max tries as Daniel starts tearing apart the hotel room. Max glances at the clock on the nightstand while Daniel goes on a heated search for something. "We don't have to leave for the flight for two hours."

Christ. He pictures telling their team anything. Daniel can still race, of course, Max thinks. He'll just need a new suit that fits better. And some adjustments to the car's seat fit. And a good PR statement that, yes, something impossible happened overnight but no worries we'll be set for Hockenheim so don't worry about how this happened.

"This!" Daniel says, leaping up to Max and putting a small card in his hand. "This is why! Read it. It came with the wine that hot girl gave me."

Max rolls his eyes and reads it. He narrows his gaze. "A change, temporary, good for two? What's that mean?"

"Beats me, but read it again. Temporary." He sighs, letting his head knock back. Max stares at the line of hickeys down Daniel's thinner neck, too faint. "I do kinda miss my dick."

"How does it feel?" Max asks despite himself. "To be a girl?"

"Good, I guess." Does Daniel press his thighs together reflexively, Max wonders. He feels pent up and horny again. "Like, I don't mind it, but it'll be hell to buy a whole new wardrobe," he attempts to joke through shaky laughs.

"Maybe that note meant 'two' like in two times," Max says, voice quiet.

All he can hear for a moment is the whirl of the hotel aircon. He watches Daniel's feminine frame, his big eyes and wet lips.

"Can you remember any of it?" Daniel asks, voice barely registering above the whirl.

"Not much."

"And it kinda doesn't count, right? Because I'm not really me right now, so its okay? And you don't mind?"

It can count, Max wants to beg. It can. It can be okay after, too. It can be okay all the time.

"I don't mind. You're hot as a girl." The last three words feel too final. Daniel's shoulders fall as he nods.

"Yeah, a stunner, huh? So, well, we'll take her for one last ride."

Finally, Daniel walks up and pushes Max onto the hotel bed. Max's mind reels as Daniel lets the towel drop. Two breasts in Max's face as he feels thighs straddle his waist. His hands fly up to trace eager lines up Daniel's spine and rake gentle tracks back down with his nails. They both shudder.

"Last time, right?" Daniel says between kisses down Max's neck. Max feels his eyes water. It doesn't have to be. But he doesn't say anything. He flips Daniel over on the bed, body tenting over the smaller frame. And this time, he focuses. He wants to make Daniel feel good. He wants to come inside. He wants to etch every moment deep in his mind, so he'll remember every gasp, every touch, every sigh.

[killrabbit]

the whole pitting mj and jv against each other is sooo fucking tired

[vaguely-concerned]

I rewatched the recording I made of rye talking to solas for the last time before the big betrayal ('words of the dread wolf'), and it made me have to sit with my face in my hands for a while over the fact that like... rye did everything right, especially by the ideals of the mourn watch when it comes to interacting with spirits. he's cautious but not disrespectful, he gives gratitude and credit and even some companionable banter where it's due, he's willing to hear solas' point of view out even if he doesn't necessarily buy what he's selling, he stays on his guard the whole time but is honest and fair in his dealings with him as far as possible. and it doesn't matter one fucking bit!!! you can make no mistakes, commit no sins, and still fail, still be at the mercy of a lack of mercy and pure callous circumstance!!!!! this catastrophe is coming for you no matter what. there is no perfect thing you could have done, no exact right thing for you to say, no amount of careful or clever you could have been that could have outtricked these circumstances or would have saved you or anyone else. (nothing you could do to save varric either, but you don't know about that yet. it's just that awful feeling in the back of your mind you keep shying away from like it burns you.)

that's... such a painful but important lesson to have to learn in some ways, I think. both forgiving yourself for what you couldn't know until you did, what you couldn't do and never could have done (should never have been made to face, in a better kinder world), and having to accept the shattered illusion of perfect control and safety ever becoming achievable -- if only I do everything right, everything will be okay. and if things aren't okay, that's because I did something wrong and if I were better the bad thing wouldn't have happened; the logic and grief and desperation to hold on to goodness of a child. the logic solas is unable to let go of from the moment he took physical form and to this day (for all his age and experience I can fix this, I can still fix this is the helpless cry of a child, just one dangerously amplified by near-divine levels of power and a very clever mind), and that rook has to learn to let go of or else drown. the examination of that central question of like... you can act with the best of intentions in this world and with as much information as possible and there will still be unforeseen consequences. bad things will still happen. sometimes it won't even be anyone's fault, no one ever meant for it to happen like that. but it did. it did. how will you live with that? in this game is so GOOD. what a theme

[luniviravosshipper]

I have drafted up too many posts about my feelings about being in this fandom lately and particularly about how that feeds into my views on the show. I don’t know.

Was even going to add more onto this but then I’ll probably not be able to even finish my line of thoughts for this post and also again end up saving this to my drafts.

[tellmegoodbye]

Question: Would Jonah be raised primarily Jewish or Catholic, or would he just be exposed to both and then make that decision later on in life?

Gwyn most likely originally planned to raise Jonah Jewish, but after she died, what do we think Enzo did? Did he try to honor that as best he could while not being Jewish himself? Did he ask TK for help? Did he let the whole thing go altogether? I've also seen some HCs that Enzo is Catholic, so maybe he introduced Jonah to his own religion.

I don’t have a lot of knowledge in the religion department as someone who was raised without it in my life, and I know even less about how interfaith couples would usually handle this. Does it make more sense to pick one as a primary like Owen and Gwyn did? Or does it make more sense to have an equal presence of both in Jonah's life? I wonder if TK wants to honor Gwyn and her wishes for Jonah, or if he ultimately takes a different approach given that he and Carlos are equal partners in this, while Gwyn was a single mother.

[drsantosgf]

•°•

[lucky-clover-gazette]

is it just me or do the labels “platonic” and “romantic” kinda fail to have meaning when applied aggressively to a fictional dynamic by people with vastly different definitions of those terms

[dearthshine]

.

[echo-s-land]

Someone told me that he 'like hanging around with me' and he 'love my smile' today

[dieverged]

nima being flexible with the well of sorrows until i make up my damn mind (challenge: impossible)

thing is! nima doesn't trust morrigan, probably ... wouldn't unless jiyu was into play here but even then being humansplained elven mythos when an elf (solas) is right there is just annoying. and that's not even counting like, outside of canon, if there were any elven companions that joined them yknow.

very much 'get a load of this guy' like 'thank you VERY much, but i have faith that those who wish to teach me about the mythology will.' (definitely heard a couple of teachings from her friends & any hahren's who indulged her visits)--- but anyways LOL yeah she wouldn't trust morrigan's reasons for wanting the well, like you just want... knowledge? that's it? how curious. the complicated thing IS, is that nima doesn't trust her, she just doesn't, but nima also is an outsider. solas refuses to take the well for reasons he doesn't elaborate on (and then doesn't elaborate why the well is bad 😭), they can't let corypheus have it, and destroying it.... is complicated. because that is a great loss of knowledge, for one, but also.... gestures at the situation.

SO idk it's complicated maybe i'll have a better idea in my playthrough but i think nima would drink from the well of sorrows. she doesn't trust morrigan, sorry! she doesn't trust that morrigan is going to be respectful with this ancient knowledge and impart it at all to any dalish clan, let alone reach out to ANY elves about it like. you're just going to take the information and ... walk away with it? and nima's expected to believe you have no nefarious intentions?

so yes, nima... would drink from the well of sorrows? potentially? it's definitely a choice that grieves her because, again, she doesn't belong here! it definitely plays with her, mentally. it also ensures she's trapped in thedas because hey you're bound to a god for realsies now. man that's brutal. much to think about.

it's definitely a play on nima's curiosity, nima's taking the hit so no one else has to, nima's distrust of morrigan and the belief that this knowledge could be used for good. because the loss of knowledge is grievous, and especially with the connections she's built having good relations with the clans she's come across who have offered goodwill, i think it also fucks with nima a little bit because they KNOW what it does to a person when knowledge is lost. it tears her up inside, knowing what all she had and can't even remember, can barely look at with some of the mysteries her diaries hold too much for her to even see lest her headaches wreak havoc on her. so, that alone is enough. i think their belief that maybe if they have access to the well of sorrows, they can impart that knowledge---

but here's the thing lol. the consequences because i love giving nima consequences. beyond the well of sorrows consequences, there's also! A. no you can't leave thedas you are TRAPPED here now (unless plotting) because yk your soul is literally bound to a gods come on man what did you expect. B. those dalish clan's who offered you their good will might not trust you anymore! you, a human, took something sacred from them and yknow the cycle is ever repeating isn't that fucked. i keep this loose and vague because... i don't know, maybe it's not all terrible? but at the same time like so much has been taken from the dalish, i can't imagine this is going to look very charitable, arguably selfish in fact. very much, 'oh so you took our stories and twisted them for your own ends'. and i do not blame them for seeing it that way. consequences!

[gizdathemxel]

*gripping my hands so hard on a young trans persons shoulders that their bones are about to break*

do not log on to 4chan.com. do not get involved in passing olympics. you will always lose. do not put afab/amab* in your bio, that is cisgender society trying to know your “real” gender. you do not exist to please cisgender people. there is no ‘right’ way to be trans. learn your goddamn history, listen to your elders. listen to other disenfranchised groups. listen to intersex people and check yourself for intersexism. listen to trans poc and check yourself for racism. listen to disabled people and check yourself for ableism. be open to learning always. labels are meant to fit you, not the other way around. you are not weird or predatory for simply being attracted to others. you’re fine if you’re not a skinny white twink or a barbie doll. you’re fine if your body is ‘weird’. you’re fine if you don’t have heavy or any dysphoria. it’s okay if you actually don’t want to transition or anything like that. life is worth living at any stage, you deserve to be happy. I SWEAR THAT YOU ARE OKAY!!!!!

*ok editing this bc i think there are some major misunderstandings here and also ignorance on my part so lemme clear the air. when i wrote “don’t put tme/tma” in ur bio i did NOT mean to say that discussions around transmisogyny aren’t important or that tme/tma cannot be helpful terminology, and i’m super sorry that it came off that way. also editing bc someone pointed out to me that the original phrasing of this post is very misinforming, so to also clarify, tme/tma was a term invented by transfems to talk about transfeminine experiences which i will admit that i was unfamiliar with the history of tme/tma as a term and was introduced to it through some really bad online queer discourse. but it’s always been of my opinion that discussion around all forms of bigotry, including transmisogyny, are important and need to be had. i explained in a rb, which i’ll link when i have more time, that my issue was with the way the term is used as only identification/oppression olympics rather than genuine nuanced discussion about the ways that transphobia/transmisogyny/transandrophobia/etc function and interact with each other. i advised young trans people to not put tma/tme in their bios, bc i know that the wrong people (not just cis people, but transphobes and assholes who just want to get under your skin) would use any indication of your direction of transition to try and misgender you. or specifically in the case of tma/tme, tell you that your experiences/thoughts are not valid or reasonable bc you were tma or tma.

i realize how not originally clarifying that makes me look stupid (and a transmisogynist), so seriously, i’m sorry for that major mishap. tma/tme are not inherently bad words and you are 1000% allowed to use whatever terminology fits you and your experiences best. so as another word of advice: please do not let some rando on the internet tell you how you should talk about your experiences

(also idgaf if you don’t “log on” to 4chan or that it’s “not a website”, the fact that any of you know that is shameful and upsetting)

[ambrosiagourmet]

I want to talk about why I think this is the one of the most important Falin panels:

So, Falin is really nice, right? It's one of the first things we really learn about her. She's kind even to the monsters of the dungeon - choosing to ward the party rather than fight spirits and cause them needless harm.

In the above early flashback in chapter 11, we see Marcille fawning over Falin's kindness, calling her an angel. Namari calls her soft-hearted. We see Falin choose not to fight even when a zombie attacks - instead she resolves the confrontation with a hug. After the flashback, the first thing Senshi says is that Falin "sounds like quite the person," which Marcille strongly affirms.

At this point in the story, all we have seen of Falin are these impressions; she is a healer, an angel, a caretaker with an infinite well of kindness towards everyone she meets - both friend and foe.

And honestly, that remains most of what we have to go by to understand her. The only times we get to see Falin on the page, alive and just herself, are in the opening and closing pages of the story and in the brief period of time after she is resurrected.

Nonetheless, we do have some more details to work with. For one, there is the scene that The Panel is from - a short memory in chapter 75, when Marcille flashes back to while she's dying. In that scene, Falin prepares to teleport them all out, and says that she's sorry "if there is a person at [their] destination." And that's when we get The Panel.

If you teleport someone or something into another person, the person teleported into is likely to be, at minimum, severely injured. They could die.

We can see a lovely little horrifying example of exactly why in one of the Daydream Hour doodles:

So, hmm. That's not... that's not SUPER nice. Certainly not displaying the same "kindness to all, friend and foe included" we saw represented earlier. On a basic level, this adds some nuance to Falin's kindness. We see it break a little, when pushed to the limit. We see her chose to protect the people she loves above all else.

Which makes sense! As Laios says when the Winged Lion accuses him of similarly being motivated more by his friends' safety than everyone else in the dungeon, "...most people, aside from virtuous do-gooders, would feel the same way."

So, we can take The Panel as simply showing a moment of weakness for Falin. A time when she was pushed to her limits, and that "most people" selfish side of her shone through.

However... I think there's a little more going on with Falin than just her being an angel 99% of the time, except just that once. I love The Panel because I think it helps us understand that Falin isn't just motivated by kindness - she also has a desire to avoid seeing people in pain.

Isn't that the same thing?

No, no it very much is not.

Let's look at a short comic from the Falin section of the Adventurer's Bible, because I think it illustrates this point perfectly. The group is complaining about how much Marcille's healing hurts, and comparing it to Falin's, which "doesn't hurt a bit." Marcille retorts with the following:

Now, the punchline of this comic is that, despite Marcille's sentimental assertion that she's "thinking of [them]" by letting her healing magic hurt, they all still prefer to be healed by Falin.

But hey, this wouldn't be the first time that Dungeon Meshi hides a very real character beat or insight in a gag, so let's think about this somewhat seriously.

If Marcille is right (and she knows a fair bit about magic, so we can assume that she has at least somewhat of a point), then what Falin is doing isn't kind. I suppose if someone specifically requested to not feel the pain, it could be kind, but that's not really what happened here. She is the one who felt badly about the others being in pain, and she is the one who decided, without telling them or giving them a choice in the matter, to take away that pain.

Both Marcille and Falin are healing the party, but Marcille is doing it in a way that accomplishes the task in the most straight forward way, without any additional interference. Falin is going out of her way to perform the healing in a way she is more comfortable with. A way that avoids pain.

Going back the The Panel, I don't think its a coincidence that the only time we see Falin (well, non-chimera Falin) willing to do something that could hurt someone is when any potential pain will be far away from her. If she got someone hurt or killed by teleporting the party to the surface? Not only would it be far out of her sight, but she'd be dead before she had to deal with any consequences of that action.

Falin is not a confrontational person. She doesn't push when Marcille won't tell her the truth about the resurrection, and she comforts Laios about her own death - both of those things happening in the only full chapter she is alive and conscious in the whole story.

We also know that she considered accepting Shuro's proposal, despite not having any special feelings towards him, and that Falin never explained to Marcille that she wanted them to share a meal together. When she brought Marcille various foods at the academy, she just accepted Marcille's confused rejection and gave up.

And lastly, we know that she is still in contact with her parents, despite the neglect and abuse she suffered at their hands. Although the way someone chooses to handle contact with abusive or bad family is a complicated topic, which I don't want to overly simplify, I do I think this fact gets at the heart of how she handles conflict.

So many people that Falin loves have hurt her. There are understandable hurts, like Laios leaving the village, or Marcille not understanding the food. And there are bigger, far less justifiable hurts - like her parents neglecting her throughout her childhood, and sending her away to be alone at the magic academy.

It doesn't seem like Falin has ever confronted any of it directly.

And the unhealthy aspects of this kind of avoidance of pain and confrontation is one of the things that the story of Dungeon Meshi is all about. We see Laios grapple with it before he goes to kill Falin, and we see Marcille acknowledge it at the end of the story, when she tells Laios that she has come to terms with Falin's death:

Eating is a part of life. Consuming other living things is a part of life. It isn't really possible to avoid that pain - you can only hide from the truth of it. You have to be selfish everyday. You have to eat - to choose to live. To choose to take up space.

And this is something Falin embraces, too. She comes back to life, after all.

We see her choose to come back to life.

And how does she make that choice? She eats. She consumes, and then she is asked a question by the manifestation of hunger itself:

Do you want to eat more?

There is a double meaning in the Winged Lion's final words on the next page.

When I first read this, I took it as him saying: life is cruel. You will suffer. You will feel more pain.

But perhaps, especially for Falin, this also means: you are choosing a path where you must cause pain. Where you must consume. Where you must take, and must be selfish. Because eating is the special privilege of the living, and it is their burden, too. In order to stay alive, she will need to keep eating.

And she chooses that. Chooses to be selfish. It's why her resurrection scene is so important, and it's why The Panel is so important. Because Falin coming back isn't the ultimate reward for all of the party's hard work.

It's her choice. Just like it was her choice that started everything in the first place. But this time, she doesn't choose to accept causing pain for the sake of Marcille and Laios. She does it for her own sake.

[shiroselia]

Becoming more sapphic isn't a want it is a need

[linkcharacter]

Hey there! Your art is a big inspiration to me. Especially the way you manage to keep the character designs so consistent even with long comics, varying expressions, positions and such.

Do you have any tips on how to do that or does it come natural to you? Do you use character sheets for example?

Thank you. Hope you have a great day.❤️👋

Yeah! Sort of. I don't follow strict sheets but I do look at my own art for reference and a few months ago when I was just starting out the mw brainrot I made pages with designs and notes that are not accurate as of the present but still have the color palettes I color pick from to speed up coloring in comics where I need to.

Here's my very first finished concepts that are more certainly outdated for me as they kept evolving:

And ty :D every time I draw I feel like I'm inconsistent with how I draw them all but I guess it's not that bad after all. I keep general important defining shapes and elements the same on every drawing and keep in mind body language and facial expression nuances I made up in my head about each of them. I do suggest drawing everything out on a canvas for personal reference as it helps a lot to concretize ideas.

[sorry-not-feeling-it-right-now]

Adding to this, I think these quotes sums him up perfectly as a character

SLAY THE PRINCESS PRISTINE CUT SPOILERS)

Hey so I’m not the only one who played this route absent mindedly and came back to really think about it and get very concerned right?

One of the things I wanted to say is how UNCOMFORTABLE this line from smitten is

I CANNOT defend you anymore 🙏

On a real note, reexamining this. It’s very on-brand for him. Even if it is a VERY concerning thing to say. I love the smitten but gee golly gosh times like these make me remember this guy is not mentally ok.

Like, telling a girl you will “give her everything she doesn’t know she wants” after she said she doesn’t want to live in a cabin with an actual stranger feels very. Interesting. I don’t have any nice words to say about him in this chapter. I feel like more or less it was so jarring to me. It is in character tho wether I like it or not

I also did this, I didn’t know we could do that

[inkskinned]

one of the hard parts of the internet is the way that it's co-opted therapyspeak. because the truth is that many of the concepts introduced via instagram blurbs (like "narcissist" and "gaslighting") are very complicated things. like, people usually go to graduate school to be therapists, and yet we just accept the veracity of a slideshow that says things like "how to tell if your partner has narcissist eyebrows."

because, yeah, actually, protecting your peace and cutting someone off is a super important thing and i support you if you had to go no-contact with somebody. and also it just really isn't the right choice for a lot of people/relationships and shouldn't always be the immediate choice when conflict arises.

but trying to explain that there's nuance here makes you sound like an absolute monster. because yeah, you deserve to set real and important boundaries! but also - things like the silent treatment are not boundary-setting. fair and consistent boundaries are not punishments. they're supposed to be collaborative and well-intentioned for both parties.

and the trouble is that this co-opting of therapyspeak is genuinely very dangerous. one of the ways my ex would fuck with my brain was that she would yell at me for hours - no matter how calm i stayed, no matter how many apologies i gave her, she would spiral into infinity. at some point during every argument, if i fucked up or said the wrong thing or raised my voice at all: the topic would become about how i was reacting, how i am the problem. she would say "you're responsible for your actions" - which like, i am. obviously. when i would try to explain that i was reacting to her yelling, i'd be told - "so you blame me and you're turning this back around on me."

and since i'm an empathetic person who really does want to be on my partner's team, i accepted that i was the issue. because taken out of context, no! i do not think she "deserves" to be yelled at! i shouldn't have raised my voice or gotten mean. but also - this is how i got trapped in the cycle of DARVO. and i am genuinely worried that if it happened to me, it's happening to other people. because yeah, when she tells that story, i am sure i sound terrible.

toxic people know you care about being a good person, and they use it against you. and unfortunately the internet has made it easier than ever to victim-blame. it's so easy for them to say you're "gaslighting" them, because what argument do you have against such strong language? they know if they tell other people "she was manipulating me," they're going to get sympathy. meanwhile, your head feels like it is spinning because - if you had emotionally manipulated them, wouldn't you have actually, like gotten something out of it, eventually?

emotional maturity and compassion is so much more important than knowing the "right" thing to say, and it's also way harder. emotional maturity unfortunately requires that people accept their own flaws and responsibilities. learning how to be mature and safe is just not going to be sold on the internet - because it's not a commodity. it's a lot of time, energy, and healing.

and i know AI is making it worse. chatGPT is not a good resource. she will tell any person they're right even if they're actively stabbing somebody. it's a feedback loop, endlessly.

and i just don't know there's a name for the feeling that you get when you have done the work and gone to therapy and then somebody is like - a sign someone has narcissism is when they hold their pen in this particular way. and you're sitting there, having spent however many thousands of dollars with a nice lady in a cold room discussing your feelings and you're just like - there is someone out there who genuinely believes that reading this instagram post is equal to the work of genuine personal growth.

i don't know. i can't even tell you google terms like that because google isn't real anymore. but good lord. the whole thing is alarming.