#some of them are in comment sections and shit

[gallusrostromegalus]

As someone who was recently introduced to the wonders/horrors of the night shift, what does the graveyard shift look like for the 4th Division?

Also, is healthcare in Soul Society plagued with the same understaffing as the Living World, or has Unohana managed to destroy it with her own hand?

Under the cut:

1. The ER nurses I used to let Charlie therapy dog for

2. 4th division staffing

3. Unohana's genetic meddling

4. Unohana's genetic meddling part 2: Kuchiki clan Boogaloo

5. The actual night shift

1. I used to live near an Emergency Room and walked my dog where the nurses would go to smoke, and they'd fawn attention on him and share horror stories with me. I made a comment once about the night shift being worse than the day shift, and they all disagreed. People only come to the ER at night if they're really, really in distress and while that's not great, that is a problem they have been specifically trained to handle. During the daytime however, you get people coming into the ER for mundane shit because they can't be arsed to schedule an appointment with a GP, or because they're bored and want to start a fight, or a host of other reasons that do not belong in the ER and that is VERY frustrating.

2. Staffing: shortly after the founding of the Gotei-13, the Central 46 started getting paranoid about them potentially siezing power and declared that no individual division have more than 200 members. Unohana interpreted this to mean "I can only have 200 *Shinigami* working under me. I can have as much support staff as I want " and has finagled her way into having the hospital staffed with non shinigami nurses, researchers, specialists and the like so the hospital isn't short staffed.

2.1: It also helps that she put the Fear Of Unohana into the political powers that be, so the staff of the fourth division are not just the best-compensated in the Gotei-13, they're some of the highest-paid people with the best employee benefits in the soul society at large.

3. I headcanon that Unohana has more or less been selectively breeding the Yamada Clan for the last millennium. Her very good friend from the founding generation Shijima Chigiri married into the Yamada Clan after they handed the fourth over to Kirinji, and Unohana has been a sort of unofficial wizened aunt to them ever since. She's not pushy about it, but it is extremely convenient for any young person who is interested in romance or starting a family to be able to go to her, because she will have a list of candidates who would be good matches in terms of personality, interests and genetic traits.

It's ESPECIALLY convenient for the Yamada because the Yamada are the single largest shinigami clan. Every single division has at least one Yamada in it, and there have been at least two Captain's Yamada. The family is occupying an unusually large section of the already shallow local gene pool, and it's very easy to accidentally start dating your cousin. The Yamadas at large are aware of her meddling, and given that the family's expected lifespan has tripled since she started, they're not about to complain.

She's mostly been breeding them for Kaido (the ability to magically heal bodies and replenish reiatsu). While Unohana has been very crafty about staffing, the ability to perform Kaido is RARE so early on, there were years when she didn't have 200 shinigami to command. And out of this major staffing issue came her idea about selectively breeding for more Kaido users.

Lately , the thing Unohana has been breeding for is temperament. As prolific and powerful as the Yamada Clan is, they're not well-liked: Hanataro's older brother and her former lieutenant Seinosuke, who regards pain management as 'optional' and will revive people actively begging for death, is a fairly prototypical Yamada. The whole family has a beautiful talent for single-minded focus, and atrocious social skills, like if one were to cross-breed a border Collie and a dumpster raccoon. While this does have the benefit of cutting down on the amount of people who turn up at the hospital who do not need to be there, it also stresses patients out, so they take longer to heal etc.

So to that end, Hanataro Yamada is a TRIUMPH of practical genetics. He's exceptionally good at Kaido and remarkably death-resistant, but most importantly, had the affable temperament and work ethic of a large draft horse, something she's been trying to introduce to the line for CENTURIES. While he's not quite old enough for her to start walking potential mates across his line of sight yet, she has the list fully prepared.

4. In more recent years, her genetic meddling has started to pay dividends and she now has SPARE kaido-positive shinigami, so she is spreading them into the seated officers of other divisions, partly so there's at least one healer on-site in an emergency, and partly because it's not a bad thing for a third of the seated officers in the Gotei-13 to salute her out of habit. Lieutenant Izuru Kira started out in the fourth before he was poached by Gin (a move that rather annoyed Unohana. He'd been shaping up to be a fine anesthesiologist.), and Thirteenth division third seat Kiyone Koetetsu was formerly unohana's fifth seat. Extremely handy to have an accomplished medic within arms reach of one of her most intractable cases (ukitake and his imploding lungs).

4.1: Byakuya Kuchiki is also a triumph of Unohana's genetic meddling, because the Kuchiki clan doesn't have a gene pool so much as vague genetic dampness. It was a miracle that poor Sojun Kuchiki made it to adolescence, let alone breeding age, his blood was so doggedly determined to evacuate his body. Unohana had... Not quite pleaded, but she had taken Ginrei aside and very gently* explained that having Sojun father any children would be cruel to the resulting offspring and that maybe senbonzakura should be passed to a branch member with less catastrophic blood problems.

* for Unohana. It was really more of an extremely blunt, academically dense and somewhat threatening slideshow

Ginrei refused, and so Unohana embarked on a clever plan of subterfuge that Sojun be attended to by only her most physically robust nurses during his long stays at the 4th. To her delight, Sojun hit it off with the ox-constitutioned Sachiko Yamada, who was of sufficient respectability and remarkable charm that Ginrei allowed the marriage. Young Byakuya had the good fortune to inherit the best aspects of both his parents- Sojun's enormous well of reiki and talent for Kido, and Sachiko's excellent health and stubbornness.

Unohana was genuinely devastated when Sachiko died quite young, defending her husband and son from the assassins of a rival clan, and again when Sojun succumbed to his hemophilia from a battlefield injury. Despite this, Byakuya continued to thrive, and when he fell in love with the as-unrelated-to-him-as-possible Hisana Aramaki, she went out of her way to see them married come hell or Ginrei.

Hisana Kuchiki died of complications from an ectopic pregnancy. The surgery to save her had been successful but had introduced a septic infection that killed her a month later. While it could not be determined where Hisana picked up the infection, the surgical center in the 4th at the time was dilapidated from centuries of putting off repairs due to budget concerns from the central 46.

Unohaba destroyed the surgical center in a fit of rage not seen since she became Retsu.

This did rather force the hand of the budget committee and the surgical center was rebuilt with a ruthless adherence to sanitary practices. There have been no incidents of post-surgical sepsis originating from the 4th since. If Byakuya blames her, he's never said a word, and still willingly goes under her knife. Regardless, Unohana blames herself. She holds out hope that he might marry again, but understands why he hasn't yet.

5. BACK ON TOPIC: As for the actual night shift, it's probably the best time to get a hold of Unohana. She has ADHD and the delayed phase sleep issues that come with it, so where most people have a circadian rhythm she has an experimental noise album. The ER is slow at night, until it's not, and then everyone present is VERY GLAD the captain and her centuries of experience at this bullshit are also here.

5.1: Counterintuitively, she almost never sees anyone from the 11th late at night these days. Zaraki and his division are far from averse to danger, but he also has centuries of experience in That Bullshit, and has been passing the benefits of his experience onto his men, in such topics as "how much water have you had? Not enough", "Protect your head goddamnit" and "the nerds in the 12th will be sad of we don't use all this protective gear they made us. Humor them."

It also helps that she has Hanataro on regular duty over there for auxiliary lessons like "don't touch snakes" and "if you think 'am I sober enough to do this?' you're not. If you think 'I'm totally sober enough to do this!' you're REALLY NOT."

In fact, the ONLY member of the 11th she's seen after midnight since Zaraki took over was Yachiru, who developed appendicitis in the middle of the night. That was alarming but entirely manageable. Having her beloved, the most anxious single father in that world or the previous one, in the waiting room, was much less manageable.

"Yamada." She addressed Hanataro the following morning, slightly haggard. "I am going to request your expertise as both my head of toxicology and 11th division liaison-"

"I've been trying to figure out a reliable sedative for Captain Zaraki for fourteen years now." Hanataro sighed. "I'm well into the snake, spider and cone snail families with no success."

"...Shit."

[the-empress-7]

If something, the real PR crisis is not with the RF but with the Harkles and their brand tho 🤷🏻‍♀️: People getting tired of them, seeing them as a laughingstock, majority in the comments sections are mostly negative towards them; people not caring about their security case and telling him to stop crying and stop bullying his family; people not caring about their children; people seeing their hypocrisy; becoming more irrelevant every day; not having HUGE deals anymore, etc…

We know they know they are in trouble, but they won’t admit so they put the blame on the RF and are actually shouting for their help or link to them to get some relevance again

They have become a joke in the US, take for example the fact that even SNL made fun of them over the weekend.

Everything they do now is either met with derision or contempt. Attention thirsty Meghan can live with that, but Harry can’t. It must be blowing his gray matterless brain that Americans don’t give a shit about him.

[ulteri0rm0tives]

Now.. I'm not doubting Johnny somewhat (?) loved Alt in his own convoluted and severely misguided ways but uh.. to call them soulmates? Did we uh.. did we not play the same game? Watch the same scenes? Because it's crazy y'all r saying that when we literally play as his actual soulmate

[abluescarfonwaston]

Fanfic writer advice thats like 'use a beta/copyeditor' is just like.

I'm sorry are you volunteering to edit my fics for Grammer/commas/whatever was so egregious that you decided this needed to be a part of your comment? Do you think it's easy to

1. Write something and then

2. Find someone to willingly edit it for free in a timely manner who will catch a meaningful amount of said things

3. Resist the urge to immediately post something when I finally finish something for once?

Like damn girl you think highly of me

[apricusapollo]

got dumb comments on tiktok at 7 am so I made this

[hotchipsauce]

psst pspspsps u should totally talk about grebbymints more ... i am enabling u......

AAAAAA bro….. my dude…. the thing is i always feel crazy talking about them together bc i think like they’ve only publicly interacted like 3 times? LOL (i have watched and documented every interview minty and grebby has appeared in for the leafs/marlies. it’s so bad. me being sick has actually helped me not be as weird about it since i had less screen time in general)

but even then me and @tufzy just constructed this whole separate reality in our heads for months about how like they prob got closer after getting called up and minty is the only familiar guy for grebby there due to being on the marlies together + no russian player on the leafs to fall back on for help so grebby is just sticking to minty’s side the whole time, and minty even tho he’s a lil popular with the leaf boys he still is looking out for his linemate. even when they get sent down they’re still drawn to each other out of habit. but i’m always like second guessing like wow this is pure delusion like maybe they don’t even fuck with each other like that it’s just coworker friendliness this rpf shit is truly a disease fr fr 🙏

and then the videos started dropping. they’re goofing off and pushing each other around during sewer ball. and then i see a single frame of minty next to grebs during the one rare tiktok that he shows up in. and the delusion starts anew

[spywhitney]

How I sleep knowing I'll never trust anyone that hates Sydney but worships Richie:

[crumb]

How long do you think it’ll be until mythical or dropout rescues watcher by buying them out? lol

[larrikinisahimbo]

Starting with "The revolution is about to televised" when you're performing for an institution that literally pushes military propaganda, and who also would have signed off AND approved the performance before hand, and people are praising you for "sticking it to the powers" as if you did not spend the past 15 months with complete silence about Congo, Sudan, Palestine who are being decimated by your country, while claiming your life and art is about activism is certainly as USAmerican as it gets.

[ohimsummer]

I hate when a creator tries to express boundaries and people just don’t know when to quit

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

i honestly don't care if you don't like star wars or aren't interested in watching it, but i swear to g-d nearly every single filmbro quote unquote 'so-bad-it's-good' quote unquote 'i'll watch anything for my hot dead actor fave' camp lover who acts like they're better than everyone else for not watching it just because it's a popular thing always end up being the most annoying and miserable motherfuckers on this here planet earth.

[yeetntve]

One time my Mum drove over a kerb and got her car stuck at a hardware store, and three different men just came over to help unprompted. The only thing they said about it was directly related to solving the problem, and in the end all three of them just seamlessly worked together to physically lift the front of the car so my Mum could reverse out. They succeeded, saving us tow truck fees and ensuring the nice afternoon we had planned was able to go on. They asked for nothing and we never saw them again. All it took was my Mum calling them her heroes, and those men were walking on air all the way into the hardware store.

I just think that maybe, just maybe, blaming the pain and suffering caused by our patriarchal system on men's individual nature is uhhhh, some bullshit.

I see the radfems out there saying that every man who's ever been born is a psychopath who's constantly looking for an opportunity to commit a felony and then I remember this one time I was really struggling to get a shopping cart out of another shopping cart and a dude came over to help me, but he couldn't do it, and then another dude came over to help him, and then another came over because it was a challenge he wanted in on, and then I had 3 guys all tearing at a stuck shopping cart, and literally none of them even needed a cart.

And when they got it out, they fist pumped and I said thanks so much and one of them said "easy." And then they left.

And it's like.

I don't think radfems go outside.

[ryoflix]

sukuna doing your grwm voiceover | f. reader, s/h prns., crack 'n fluff, estb. rl ؛ ଓ

the mic is a cheap little thing—one of those clip-ons with a long cord and a half-broken clip that you swore was “totally fine for tiktok.” it’s taped to the desk lamp now, swaying slightly as sukuna leans back in your pink gaming chair, arms crossed over his chest like it might keep the cringe away. the video is on mute.

thank god. he would’ve walked out if he had to listen to your chipper little intro and do this dumbass voice-over. but he stays—grumbling, snarling under his breath, but he stays.

“ugh. fine,” he mutters as he hits record, voice low and already irritated. “hi. ’m narratin' her dumbass makeup thing. let’s get this over with.”

the video starts with you holding up your moisturizer to the camera like it’s a sacred relic. sukuna squints at the label.

“this one’s got... snail slime or some shit. don’t ask me. she swears by it. uses exactly three pumps, like a goddamn ritual. see? one, two... three. mmhmm. told you.”

he clicks his tongue when the next product flashes onscreen. your sunscreen.

“this one’s white as hell when it goes on. looks like a clown for a sec. she always pats it in too fast—like she’s in a race. it dries down okay, i guess. not that i notice. or care.”

he very much notices. always does. he sits on the bed pretending to scroll while you do this routine every morning. he's watched it with the intensity of a warrior memorizing enemy patterns.

now comes the concealer. the applicator dabs under your eyes with practiced precision.

“yeah. this part. five dots under each eye. exactly five. you miss one, she wipes the whole thing off like the world’s ending. don’t know why she bothers—looks good without all this crap anyway.”

he pauses.

“…not that i say that out loud.”

the beauty blender makes its entrance and sukuna actually groans.

“this sponge. she squeezes it before every use like it’s stress relief. and then she taps. forever. for e-ver. just... tap tap tap like an annoying little woodpecker.”

he mimics the sound with his fingers on the desk—tap, tap, tap—lazily, almost fondly.

your bronzer palette appears, slightly cracked in the corner. he narrows his eyes.

“this thing’s been through hell. she won’t throw it away. i offered to buy her a new one and she called me ‘sweet’ like i wasn’t trying to end this makeup horror show. anyway, she goes light-handed here. no muddy cheeks. she’s precise. annoying, but precise.”

his gaze flicks to the lipstick you picked—a soft, bitten pink.

“her favorite,” he says a little too quickly, a little too softly. then he clears his throat like the sentiment offended him. “whatever. next.”

the video ends with you posing for the camera, smiling. sukuna stares for a second too long. you’d edited a heart transition, too—sparkly pink.

“gross,” he mutters.

he clicks the mic off and pushes back from the desk like it burned him. “we done? finally?”

you post it anyway. mostly because the internet doesn’t deserve to be spared this kind of comedy gold. and overnight, the comments blow up. thirsting. begging. 

"i'd pay to listen to him read an audiobook."  "who is he and where can i sign up for the cult??"  "he sounds like he could ruin my life and i'd say thanks afterwards."

sukuna glares at the screen the next morning, cracking his knuckles like he’s ready to teleport into the comments section and throw hands.

“who the hell is sexyslut69 and why do they want me to whisper them affirmations?” he growls. “block ‘em. block all of ‘em.”

you laugh. he doesn’t. but when you offer to film another one, he grumbles a “tch” and sits back down in your chair.

“fine. but next time, you're using the expensive mic. and none of that heart bullshit at the end. i'm not doing that sparkly shit again.”

pause.

“…and do not let them think i’m for sale, you hear me? i’m yours. yours.”

[indecisive-dizzy]

nothing breaks my doomscrolling (insta) like watching a sweet, heartwarming video then seeing the comments were turned off

and unfortunately knowing many reasons why they would've been disabled. breaks my heart man

[shelvesuponshelves]

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