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I’m feelings, so gonna just talk about how important the Voice of the Cold is to me as a low-empathy person who most definitely also has alexythimia (struggle to identify emotions on yourself and on others).
(this’ll probably get very rambly and a bit personal, so be warned)
Like– do you have any idea how it is to grow up like this? People will look at your face, expecting it’ll tell them something, and then getting unnerved/uncomfortable when they come out with nothing. Being constantly told how weird you look. Asked if you’re mad or sad when you literally not even in this world anymore. Constantly being told how your words (blunt in their honesty) hurt others.
Standing in a funeral, everyone around you is crying or just looking vaguely sad, and you feel left out, or even guilty, because all you feel is annoyance and discomfort and you want nothing more than to leave.
Constantly seeing in movies– killers are unfeeling and uncaring. Monsters are like that because they don’t have empathy. The flat-faced, monotone character being presented as a weirdo till their shown “the power of love”.
And you see yourself in those characters, and you get those characters, but they’re the bad guys, they’re the ones in need of changing. Are you the bad guy? Do you need changing?
So you try. You hyperfixate on psychology and the functioning of emotions. You try to understand those around you. You try to be someone fun, someone they’ll see as ‘good’, you try to sound more emotional than you actually are. So that you can separate yourself from the image of that unfeeling bad guy.
(It doesn’t matter if it hurts your face. It doesn’t matter if the words aren’t natural. It doesn’t matter if when alone in your bed, you’ll cry yourself to sleep from the exhaustion of it all).
You get tired of it. And the few drops of care about being seen as a bad person leaks out as the mask cracks. You don’t care anymore, you just want everyone to leave you the fuck alone.
You’re alone. You try to understand yourself. You try to be kinder to yourself. You try to build a persona that’s more comfortable and true to what you really are.
An unfeeling monster Someone with a fizzled connection to their own body’s emotions.
An uncaring asshole Someone who needs to go through several logical analysis if they want to understand someone else’s emotions.
And you’re fine with that. You learn to be fine with that. You learn which form of expressions doesn’t hurt you, and which ones you just shouldn’t force yourself through. You learn your honesty can lift others up and not just put them down. You learn how to be there for friends, and when to pull away when it becomes too much. A part of you will always feel alone, but you learn to be ok with that too.
And when you see this part of yourself portrayed so masterfully, with all its strengths and weaknesses in full display, and with a understanding you never saw before, you feel like crying and jumping from joy (and you do, because those forms of expression don’t hurt as much anymore).
#somehow. this completely derailed from being about Cold to this prose-y thing lol#Prose is the easiest way for me to express myself so–#slay the princess#voice of the cold#Sal Writes#Sal Rambles#(since it’s both)
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