#sometimes i think about sanji and his internalized homophobia

[beanghostprincess]

Let's say chocolate is a metaphor for traditional relationships that happen to appear good but are too sickly sweet for Sanji to handle and after WCI he ends up not liking chocolate. At least for a while. He needs to move on from what happened first. But he wants to force himself to like it because he should like chocolate. It is one of the most basic ingredients when making sweets and it is also everywhere.

So what if it makes him want to throw up? What if his stomach betrays him when cooking? What if he needs to stop every two seconds to breathe because his lungs don't work properly when he smells chocolate? He will keep trying and trying to make it work. Everybody loves chocolate, after all, he should too.

But then, one day, Usopp sees everything he has around the kitchen. Like. That's an awful lot of sweets and a disgusting amount of chocolate and he doesn't seem like he has slept in a week. So of course he is concerned. "Why- What's all of this about, Sanji?" He tries to hide his nervousness with a laugh.

Sanji grips the counter tighter. So much his knuckles turn white. "I- I don't know. I guess I was just. In the mood for chocolate." But he doesn't sound sure at all. In fact, he looks like he's about to cry.

"Well." He looks around the room without wanting to touch anything but approaching Sanji a bit to check on him. "Luffy can have all of my portions because I kind of... Not like chocolate?"

"You don't- You don't like chocolate?"

"No? Too sweet. I actually pretty much hate it? The smell already makes me ill."

"Me too."

"You what?"

"I think I don't- I don't think I like chocolate anymore. Is that- I don't know if I ever did. Is that alright?"

"Why wouldn't it be alright, Sanji? It's just chocolate. Nobody can force you to eat it. Or cook it if you really don't want to."

And Sanji realizes that maybe... Maybe it is alright for him to not want chocolate, and a wave of relief takes over him for a solid second.

[cebwrites]

Hi, I really liked the Sanji x reader headcanon you wrote where he had to unpack his internalized homophobia about another guy being into him. I was wondering if you would be willing to do something similar for Sanji being in a relationship with someone, and then his partner comes out to him as transmasc? I could see a lot of ways angst could go with that one, like maybe Sanji realizes he's been hurting him unintentionally bc of how he acts w/ guys? If you don't want to though I understand! o/

a/n: hiiii sorry for taking so long on this but i absolutely wanted to the moment i saw it!! i've just been fielding a bit (a lot) of writer's block lately ;w;

reacting to his partner coming out as transmasc (Sanji)

transmasc reader, nonbinary Sanji at the end cw: transphobia, Sanji's internalized homophobia word count: 1.3k

Just a budding pirate at nineteen and horrendously closeted, he doesn't quite realize how his overt repulsion towards men has negatively affected you - he certainly doesn't want to think about it as those thoughts bubble to the surface when you finally sit Sanji down and set the record straight

How you've been learning more about yourself over the course of living with and leaning on your new nakama, seeing different kinds of people and feeling bits of your true self echo and reflect back at you through them, how you feel like even though it's scary, you know this is the best course of action for yourself from here on out

You wanted him to be the first to know, hoping that despite everything maybe he'd be able to put his hang-ups aside to focus on moving forward with you as a couple, addressing those underlying problems later on but together

Sanji doesn't

He's quiet as you explain everything, excitement clear but there is a wariness in your eyes he doesn't miss, he can feel the slight shake in your hands as you hold his

At the end of it, he gives you a pat on the shoulder and a stilted smile, lights another cigarette as he stands to leave with a mention that he needs some space to think for a while - then he's gone

Sanji feels like his world is crumbling, everything he did to be as "straight" as possible dissolving before his eyes, he doesn't notice how much he hurt you in his ignorance or maybe he knows but doesn't want to address it right now

It definitely creates a wedge between the both of you and you agree to separate for the moment, it also puts him at odds with other members of the crew - the awkwardness in the air that crewmates falling out would create in the first place aside

Zoro who never hid himself from day one doesn't pick on Sanji for fun anymore or answer his playful jests, when they spar it sometimes feels like Zoro actually wants to cut him down - he's never been one for being super open anyway but now Zoro doesn't even tolerate casual conversation with him

Robin still smiles at Sanji, she's still relatively the same around him, still thanks him when he flamboyantly swings around to serve delicately handmade afternoon snacks while confessing his undying love to her and Nami both; but something about her feels a hell of a lot colder than before - she's polite but cordial, she doesn't make little comments about his food like before and it's almost like she avoids his presence alone she can help it

Alone, however, after all the other Strawhats have gone to bed and it's just Sanji cleaning up the kitchen and her on night watch, is how she confronts him about all of this

Robin who's been stealth for as long as she can remember, asks Sanji if he'd stop fawning over her if he found out "the truth", she tells him that surely he's noticed her shift in attitude, how Zoro refuses to look at him in the eye let alone talk to him one on one, how it almost seems like she doesn't quite feel safe around him anymore

It's in that moment that Sanji realizes the weight of what he's done and just-- shatters; all his fears, his shame, the ugly internalized feelings he picked up in the process of learning to be a person, his anguish at all the hurt he caused you - Sanji had always loathed the kind of man who would cause his partner harm (and in his head that partner would always be a woman) just like how his father made Sora's life miserable, and now he'd become such a detestable thing, they all spill out onto the kitchen floor along his tears and the undercurrent of regret that flows with it

Robin tells him that she doesn't have to do this, that he's entitled to no one's time given the way he's acted, but a part of her still cares for him because she sees him struggling, hard enough to hurt someone close to him, that if he doesn't address this now he's only going to continue doing that - Sanji's eternally grateful for her patience and grace

He tells her over a cigarette for what it's worth (and he's aware it isn't much) he doesn't think of her any differently, she's just as much a woman now as she was all the days before but Robin doesn't need his approval for that, Sanji then hesitantly goes into the pained relationship he's had with masculinity, his biological father, Zeff, and how that all probably - no, definitely - fed into his sordid reaction, even though there's nothing that can excuse it

Robin is understanding from a small distance as he explains, at one point a hand manifests to soothe Sanji's back when he's in the throes of it, and later on she shifts closer to put her actual hand on his shoulder once his sobs even out

The smoke stings his eyes already raw from tears when Sanji lights another, expressing that even with how he's incredibly in Robin's debt for listening to him in such a low moment, that he regrets not being able to have this conversation with you instead, not that any of this could justify the awful ways he treat you, that he owed an apology to Zoro too, and the rest of the crew for acting this way

So that's exactly what Sanji does, he apologizes by way of his cooking - the next evening he makes everyone's favorites, having to skimp a little on breakfast for emotional reasons, but for dinner he goes all out, a silent apology for causing all this tension in the first place

A few nights later, he comes to you with a tray of your favorite treats, Sanji makes a mental note to thank Usopp and Brook for keeping the boys' quarters empty enough for this to happen, then mentally prepares himself to undergo that emotional turmoil one more time for him to be honest with you provided you even want to let him in; if you don't want to hear it he's more than understanding

But if you do, he explains it all over again, how this was never your fault and only had to do with his aversion to masculinity because of the male figures in his life, how Judge and his older brothers made him feel lower than dirt itself for even expressing positive emotion to the same gender, how even though Zeff raised him with the best intentions, his 'no talk/tough love' policy only served to make Sanji repress himself even more

He's once again a mess by the end of it but he's ready for the emotional outpouring and he's able to stiffen his lip enough to make it through to the end without pausing to just sob for a minute, literally on his knees with the sincerest (if not a tad dramatic) heartfelt apologies to give him another chance

You feel for him, you really do - like Robin, you see someone who's in a lot of pain and at odds with his own identity lashing out at the people around him, people whom he loves and reviles the idea of putting in harm's way

And that's precisely why even though you accept his apology, you tell Sanji you can't be with him the way he is right now, holding his callous hand with a pained, rueful smile of your own

Post time-skip Sanji is a lot more assured in themself, he's addressed all his hang-ups and sorted through their trauma and comes out a lot better for it, when you look at Sanji now you see a person with a solid grasp on themself, someone you're enthusiastic about rebuilding a friendship with now that you're both living as you are

And if it turns into something more, old sparks from both your ends get reignited, stifled loves finally allowed to bloom, you aren't bothered by the thought of that at all

[oriigami]

good old-fashioned lover boy

[I put off posting this for like, a really long time, but I found it in my docs again and figured I might as well. TW for internalized homophobia/biphobia and a (non-graphic) panic attack. So, here’s my take on Sanji’s Issues, finally. Read it on AO3 here!]

In his defense, Sanji doesn’t actually mean to say it. 

The thing is, it’s something he tells himself on a regular basis, the words running through his mind in pure self-defensive panicky habit. It used to be a weekly or biweekly event, but since coming onboard the ship, it’s become more like daily. So maybe it’s not surprising that the words that are always on his mind eventually slip out of his lips. 

He doesn’t even remember the exact words that prompt it. He’s distracted, putting the finishing touches on the frosting for dessert as the rest of the crew lounge around the galley in playful post-supper sleepiness.  

Luffy and Usopp are joking around, talking about the flower-seller boy on the last island Usopp had struck up a friendship with, and there’s a giggle and a teasing question about love, and on autopilot Sanji rolls his eyes a little without looking up from the cake he’s decorating and says, “Boys don’t like boys, Luffy.” 

Suddenly, the room is very quiet, and everyone is looking at him, and Sanji is just as suddenly eight years old and wants to hide. 

“Oi, cook,” Zoro says, voice sharp and cutting through the sudden silence. “What was that?” 

And he really doesn’t want to defend the words, and he really doesn’t want to explain them, so he doesn’t. He scowls back and says, “Nothing.”

Zoro stares him down for a moment, and most of the time Sanji would glare right back at him and snap out something caustic and maybe try to kick his head in, but-

He looks away, teeth gritted and face too hot. 

“Sanji-kun,” Nami says, her voice too sweet to not be a trap, and it’s almost cruel because she knows there’s no way he’s not going to fall for it, because it’s Nami.

“Yes, Nami-san?” he says, because he can’t not. The frosting in the bowl in his hands is already fluffed to perfection but he keeps mindlessly whisking it anyways, because he needs something to look at that isn’t Zoro’s disapproving glare or Nami’s poison-trap smile. 

“You know I like girls, don’t you?” she asks, even though the answer is obvious- it’s not like she’s ever been all that discreet about her relationships. 

“Of course.” 

He’s still not looking at her, but he can practically see her tip her head to one side. “And do you think there’s something wrong with me because of that?” 

“I- of course not!” he says, jerking around to look at her, honestly appalled at the very concept. Nami’s perfect, of course there’s nothing wrong with her, not like there is with- “Of course not,” he says again, rather than let that thought reach its conclusion. “That’s- different-”

“What about Zoro?” Nami presses, jerking a thumb over at Zoro, who glances over at her for a moment before settling his glare back on Sanji. “Do you think there’s something wrong with him?” 

“That’s not- what I meant, I just-” He’s stuttering, he knows he is, because he can’t find the words, because the logic that makes perfect sense in his head is just refusing to leave his mouth, leaving him standing there, stupid and stammering. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, doesn’t want to be here, trapped between Nami’s merciless judgement and something he doesn’t ever want to drag into the light to examine. 

“Then what did you mean?” Nami asks, as relentless as ever, and-

-and Sanji slams the bowl down on the counter so hard it almost shatters and all but bolts out of the galley because he can’t can’t can’t-

She’s kind enough, at least, to let him go in silence. 

-

It’s Usopp, of all people, who comes and finds him in the crow’s nest. 

Sanji’s already five cigarettes deep into a pack, lighting each fresh one off the stub of the last with unsteady hands, sucking on them like if he can just get enough smoke inside his head it’ll block out the jumble of tangled thoughts and muffle the memory of Nami’s cutting words. The room stinks of nicotine. Usopp makes a face and goes around to open the windows, letting the nighttime breeze start to clear away the smoky air. 

Once that’s done, Usopp sits down against the wall just opposite him, giving him a thoughtful look. Sanji doesn’t meet his eyes, and fishes another cigarette out of the pack. 

“You never met Kaya, right?” Usopp says at length, sounding kind of distant, nostalgic, almost. 

Sanji blinks, glancing up from the floor. “Who?”

“It would’ve been before you joined the crew,” Usopp says, hands dangling between his knees, gaze focused on the stars visible through the open window.  “She was a girl who lived in my hometown. Syrup Village. She was sick, and couldn’t leave her house, so I used to go and tell her stories every day.” He smiles, big and genuine, and adds, “I really loved her. Still do. Sometimes I’d make up stories about the future, about us setting sail and having adventures together once she got well, and we’d be married in some of them.”

Sanji doesn’t know where he’s going with this, but unlike with a lot of Usopp’s stories, this one has the weight of honesty behind it, and so he listens. 

“And then Zoro and Nami and Luffy showed up, and helped me save my town and Kaya, and I joined their crew. And, um, Luffy told me we were already friends, and he smiled at me, and, uh, I realized I had a huge crush on him, too.” 

Sanji bites clean through his cigarette and has to spend a minute or so spitting out loose tobacco before he can say, very eloquently, “You- huh?” 

Usopp laughs a little, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, stupid, right? I mean, Luffy’s not, you know, he doesn’t do the whole, dating, romance thing, so obviously, uh, nothing ever came of it, which I was kind of sad about for a while. But, I mean, I got over it, cause he’s my best friend, y’know?” 

Sanji’s still staring. Usopp waves a hand. “I just wanted to say, like- it’s okay, you know? Liking both boys and girls. That’s normal. Even if nothing comes of it. You’re not on your own.” 

“Wait,” Sanji says, “Wait. You think I’m- I’m not-” He flounders for a moment. “...I like women,” he finishes, rather pathetically. 

“Yeah, I know,” Usopp says. “Everyone knows. But, like, a week ago I saw you shatter the glass you were holding ‘cause Zoro came in from working out shirtless and really sweaty.” 

Oh. Sanji remembers that, now that Usopp mentions it, and as soon as he does he feels his entire face heat up and swiftly buries it in his hands, digging his fingers into his hair. “Fuck,” he mutters emphatically.

There’s a pause, and then the sound of footsteps crossing the small room. Usopp sits down next to him. Sanji doesn’t look up. “I guess I don’t get it,” Usopp says. “What’s the problem?” 

“There’s no problem,” Sanji says into his hands, and it sounds unconvincing even to him. 

Usopp doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t really have to; even without looking up, Sanji can practically feel the skepticism radiating off of him. 

Sanji sighs, lifts his head, and focuses on shaking another cigarette out of the pack to replace the one he’d ruined, lighting it as he tries to put his thoughts in order. “It’s… there’s rules,” he finally says. 

There’s other things he could say, he means to say- maybe it’s okay for Zoro, for Nami, for you, but it’s not that easy; women make sense, aren’t threatening, can be trusted; I’ve already failed at being everything else I was supposed to be- but the words stick in his throat. He’s still struggling to dislodge them when-

“So?” Usopp just says, and shrugs a little. “We’re pirates. Breaking rules is kind of what we do.” 

…hm. 

Well, that’s a point to think about. Maybe. Sanji takes another drag off of his cigarette and feels something in his chest settle, just a bit, the loosening of a knot that’s been yanked too tight for years and years and years. 

“Maybe,” he concedes around a mouthful of smoke, and sees Usopp grin triumphantly out of the corner of his eye. 

There’s- a lot, in his head right now, and it’ll probably take some time to work though it all, but. For the moment he can breathe again, and Usopp has a point, so even if he’s not fine, he will be, probably. 

“Thanks,” he says, and means it. 

And then, after a moment, “But, Luffy? Really?” 

Usopp elbows him hard, but he’s laughing between the words when he says, “Shut up!”

And Sanji finds he can laugh about it, too. 

[beanghostprincess]

Zeff x Yasopp would mirror sanuso perfectly.

Zeff would be patient caring and attentive like Usopp and Yasopp is just adoring and protective but also very anxious and overwhelmed. Due to his ill experience with the same sex (and internalize homophobia and comphet) like sanji.

Yasopp with false confidence would start flirting with him but would immediately start to panic because he didn't expect for zeff to flirt back and would quietly retreat trying to hide his blush and embarrassment. It didn't help that his crew teased him about and would try to egg on the conversation even further. Zeff finds it endearing he doesn't push him to do anything and let him go at his own pace.

Eventually Yasopp starts showing up the baratie by himself almost always nervous. Zeff always gives him a discount and sometimes free dessert he lets him stay after the restaurant closes. The chefs are watching their boss rizz up this man just by smiling and listening to him talk about nothing important, Patiently waiting for him to confess already.

He eventually does and they start dating. It's nothing serious yasopp is still nervous about it. He gets shaky and his hands get sweaty when it's held.

Their kids find out eventually because shanks told Luffy by accident and Luffy being Luffy dropped it in random conversation. Sanji is mortified and confronts his dad and fights via snail. Usopp doesn't really care tho he does wish you found out by his own dad and not sanji ranting about it

Stop. You're making me think about this ship. We just upgraded Sanuso and made it Sanuso 2.0 older versions. No, but really. It's really sweet. They look cute together. Yasopp deserves to be with somebody after his wife passed, and Zeff seems like an awesome husband. Look at him. I love how the dynamic is basically the same as Sanuso's but, like, different, y'know? It's really cute. Also, I just know Zeff would fucking love telling Sanji because he knows the kid is going to have a heart attack and it's going to be really really funny. Yasopp on the other hand would be more nervous about it because he isn't sure if Usopp will be okay with all of that, so they keep it a secret. And that's when Shanks goes and tells Luffy because he can't keep secrets with Luffy around.

Sanji panics. Dies. Cries. Screams. Tells Luffy to turn the ship around and go to the Baratie because he needs to break his dad's other leg. Usopp is just,, Really happy for his dad. Even if it's nothing serious. He likes seeing him giving love another chance. Sanji hates it. Usopp is okay with it. It's a bit chaotic. Sanji really needs a moment to calm down. I think Usopp would tell him that it's nothing serious and it's fine that their dads are happy and doing whatever they want out there. Sanji kind of agrees but,,, "It's weird, though, isn't it?" / "Is it? I dunno. Didn't think about that. I think our parents fucking-" / "Don't call it that, oh God" / "I think our parents seeing each other isn't weird. Or bad. They're pirates living their own adventures, just like us. Let them enjoy themselves". And that kinda works for now to calm him down.