#sorry again for not posting clarissa and instead just venting here. it will definitely happen again… again

[clarissacrotty]

on sunday, i went to a family friend’s wedding. i’d never been to a traditional wedding before. i had to excuse myself during the daddy-daughter dance to cry a bit in the hall. luckily, i don’t think anyone noticed.

i really didn’t think it would affect me. i thought i had come to terms with the fact that my father would never walk me down the aisle or dance with me at my wedding, nor would he ever be worthy to after everything he did to me. but i guess i’ll never totally accept it. how can you accept something like that? how can your brain ever truly, fully come to terms with it?

they danced to the song “butterfly kisses”, which i think is ultimately what got me. it reminded me of the “good ol’ days” before the abuse started, back when i was a daddy’s girl through and through. sometimes, i don’t even know if there was a time “before” the abuse, because can one really pinpoint the exact moment abuse starts? i wonder if i was truly safe back then, or if this horrible thing that ended up happening to me had been the plan all along. i wonder if i was just too young to see what was going on around me. it’s just hard to reconcile the good times you had with your abuser with all the horrible shit they did to you. i can easily drive myself crazy lying awake thinking about that on any given night.

i’m getting ahead of myself, though. i’m not even remotely close to marrying anyone. still, though. it hurts.