#sorry for the depressing answer. ive been avoiding all this because it still feels miserable

[lovsome]

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[incoherentlynonexistent-blog]

Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....

[modernnonfiction]

lol im gonna talk about how sucky my life used to be under the cut so pls dont read if you dont want to this is like a stream of consciousness thing because im feeling Depressed

this is honestly so extra but ive never really said all of this out loud or written it all down. I had a diary when i was 11 and i said some of this stuff but she found it and ruined me for it so i dont ever talk about it. i think i just realized why i dont talk about it by writing that out wow. but anyway, 

my parents got divorced when i was six. i was sad at the time but honestly? i wasnt that upset in the grand scheme. i found out later it was bc my mom cheated on my dad with my current stepfather lol. but before they told us that was happening my mom just disappeared for three months and my dad was sad all the time. i remember that was the nicest my dad has ever been to me; he used to carry me down for breakfast every morning and id watch tv on this big round chair in our old house. when my mom came home i wrote about it in my little journal at school and i dont think my teacher thought anything of it.

my mom moved to an apartment and my dad kept the house. since we were so young we’d spend the first half of the week with one parent and the second half with the other. i think we switched to an every other week arrangement when my dad got remarried. 

my parents never liked to tell me when they went on dates but i always knew. they were probably worried about upsetting me but i wouldnt have been. i understood that my parents were broken up and i didnt want to change it, because i knew it was a grown up thing. they would always try to explain to me in a non direct way what was going on and i always hated it. i was intuitive for my age and i never really liked the skirting around the issues. it seemed important to my parents that i knew i could ask questions and be upset but i genuinely didnt feel that way.

my dad dated a really nice woman with two little girls my brother’s age for a little while. i sometimes wonder what wouldve happened if he married her instead. i see her at church sometimes with her two girls. i don’t think she ever remarried. 

my dad met my step mother after her. i really liked her. she had three daughters that were younger than me, an older daughter and an older son. they were all nice. i would go to their house whenever i would be staying with my dad and i would have sleepovers with her younger daughters. i always loved going to their house because they had so many things to play with and a big backyard. now that i think about it i think my dad asked to marry her after only like nine months. thats never really enough time to get to know a person. i was so happy though. i had been praying for a little sister for so long and then i was going to have three! my dad married her during the summer on a beach in florida. we all travelled there together and stayed in a nice beach condo. i was excited to be the flower girl in the wedding and to wear a pretty dress that matched all of my sisters. 

things started going south that weekend. I went to the grocery store with my younger siblings and my stepmother on one of the first days, and i was messing around as kids tend to do. i wasnt doing anything wrong. it was 10 years ago, i’ll give, but i do remember feeling surprised because i had never heard my stepmother speak to me this way. she told me that if i didn’t shut up she would spank me, which shut me up quite quickly, but it felt weird. 

this is the part of the story where i feel like people will stop listening and tell me im overreacting, but i know that was when i realized something wasnt right. it was the tone of voice that tipped me off, thats something i cant really convey. I rly hate how right now i feel like i have to defend that her telling me she would hit me is wrong. but it is. i’ll leave it at that. im not spoiled, i was hit plenty of times after this comment. none of it was right, but it happened. my point is hitting children is wrong, it was wrong when it happened to me and its wrong now.

but anyway, the wedding happened. things got progressively worse for me that whole weekend. i remember sitting on the stairs in the condo playing with my dollhouse absentmindedly because i had gotten yelled at earlier. after the weekend was over, my granparents picked me and my brother up so that they could go on their honeymoon. i remember laying on the bed one morning in our hotel room thinking that something wasnt right.

dammit i was just a kid i just keep thinking about that i was a kid i was little why didnt she like me

a lot of my childhood is a blur now because of her. there was a lot of yelling, some hitting, her generally just making me feel like shit. there were good moments too, and i tried so hard to like her and get along with her but i just couldnt. she terrified me. she would look at me in a way that made me forget how to speak, i was so scared of her. 

she made me feel stupid, that was one thing she did a lot. me and my brother were really smart kids and that made her so mad. i never understood it then but i do now. she would look for ways to make us feel stupid so that she could have a moment of superiority. over an 8 year old of all people. thats what made her so vile. 

i was a really emotional kid. i still am emotional, to be fair, but when you’re a kid, you never really know how to control that, you know? I was always made to believe i had done something wrong when my stepmom was around, and it showed. i clung to my dad a lot, and she hated that. 

the moment that i flash back to the most, the one thing that i think makes me hate her so much, is the time when i was 8, probably less than a year after she and my dad got married, i was sitting with my dad on the couch watching tv, and something inside her snapped. idk what it was that tipped her off, but she started yelling at me, saying that i was avoiding her, and that i was being selfish and rude and awful. i was confused and upset and just plain scared mostly. i argued that i wasn���t trying to do anything to her, i was just watching tv with my dad. there was no way i could be avoiding her because that wasn’t even a thought that occurred  to me. She wasn’t having it. I knew that this encounter wouldnt end without her hurting me. i dont remember how it got to this point, but she got so mad that she just stopped talking to me, went to the dining room and pulled out a chair. she dragged me off the couch and made me stand behind it. she told me that i had to stand behind this chair and think of why i was avoiding her and why i was being mean to her, and then when i had an answer i had to sit down and tell her. i stood behind that chair for hours while her and my dad fought out of earshot of me. i dont remember how long it was, but i remember it was long enough for the sun to set and for all my siblings to go to bed. i genuinely tried to think of things to say to her, but they weren’t real, and i didn’t want to lie. i couldn’t think of anything because i didn’t know what i had done wrong. after a few hours, i resolved that i could just stand behind that chair for the rest of my life, because i was in the church choir and i took dance class, and i was used to standing for long periods of time. she came back when she was done fighting and when she saw i wasn’t sitting down she snapped again. she hit me over and over and over and between each time she would ask me what my reason was for a avoiding her. if i didn’t say anything she would hit me. if i made something up she would hit me. this went on until she got tired out and left. i hung over the chair and cried. my dad came to get me and i told him i didn’t do anything. he said he knew, and that if i just apologized to her, she would leave me alone. i didn’t want to, but he said even if i didn’t believe it, it would make her stop. i told her i was sorry and that i wouldn’t do it again, whatever “it” was, and she said “whatever”. i went to bed after that and cried myself to sleep.

the next morning we went to church and afterword the same thing happened. she was mad that i was “avoiding” her in church. instead of hitting me that time, she pulled out a notebook and wrote down two questions: “why did i hesitate from holding [my stepmother]’s hand in church?” and “why did I ignore [my stepmother]?” (i cant quite remember the second one, but it was along those lines.). she told me that if i were “smart enough to be in gifted classes at school” that i was “smart enough to answer those questions in essays”. she left me alone and made my siblings go play outside. i sat there stumped for a while, she would come and check on me and make sure i wasnt falling asleep, and would tell me to start writing something. my dad came in later and just told me some crap to write so that i could be done and go play with my siblings. she was upset that he told me what to write, but let me go anyway. i went to see my siblings and they asked me what happened. i told them and they shrugged it off. 

you know, people say that abuse makes your brain block out memories, and i used to think that my memory was pretty ironclad. now that im actually thinking about it, i can only remember a few isolated moments. all the rest of it is just a blur where i know that she was awful to me and i was miserable but i have no idea the specific circumstances. 

im also thinking about how my dad didnt try to stop any of it. he would help me through it, and he would empathize with me, but he didn’t try to stop it. sometimes he would join in and that made it worse.

i’m gonna list the isolated incidents that i can remember just so that its written down.

I found out that santa and the easter bunny and their affiliates were not real the first christmas after my dad remarried. i told my little brother and sisters that i didn’t believe in it right after my revelation, because they were my best friends and i told them everything. my dad and stepmom found out and i got in so much trouble. but it didnt make sense to me because i didn’t know that what i did was wrong. didn’t stop them from hitting me.

i was playing with my little sister and slapped her on the back. i did it too hard and it hurt her. she was wearing a swimsuit top and he had sensitive skin so it left a handprint. i apologized, it was an accident (and just as a side note she hit me first and i was retaliating. not that it matters.). she told my dad and stepmom and they called me to the kitchen. said “you know what we have to do now” and hit my bare skin as a punishment.

took me to a rollercoaster park knowing that im scared of rollercoasters (about 9 or 10 in age at the time) got in trouble for being afraid of the rollercoasters. my dad pulled me to the side and told me that i was gonna get a beating when we got home. we went to the waterpark section of the theme park and they wouldnt let me go swimming because i wouldnt ride rollercoasters. i had to watch my siblings go swimming without taking my eyes off of them to underscore that the reason i wasnt swimming was because i was being selfish and spoiled because they paid money for me to come there and i was afraid of the rollercoasters

i’m just gonna stop for now bc this is a lot and im tired.

[transgirlkeith]

Do you think legendary defender is the end of kallura. Allurance is super hated. The bigest contraversy is the only black allura is the only one to die and not get a romance with keith. The series crashed and burned when kallura was abonded. I mean the most logical thing to do in the next version is to keep allura dark skinned give her a romance with keith and let her live and get a happy ending.

unfortunately i think pretty much only kalluras actually care about this stuff lol, most of the massive fanbase growth for vld was based on people who wanted klance so if theyve already dropped kallura once and dont want to do allurance again then theyll either have no romance or go for klance to win woke points. abandoning kallura really is the root of the show falling apart but most people view shiro and lance's arcs as the more important problem. i dont know for certain how much the ip holders care about the current fanbase's wants, and we can't predict what the next studio/showrunners will want, so there is hope... but i still feel crushed by vld's ending and hope hurts and i really think people are madder about klance than allura. fixing k/a IS the most logical thing but it wouldn't be the most profitable.