#sorry for the loooong dissertation

[destinyc1020]

Honestly for me, sadly, it's the fandoms that have ruined other actors for me. Orrr more specifically, an actor (TC I'm sorry!). I was on twitter once a while back and pointed out the hypocrisy that his fans had when they needlessly dragged Tom in an extremely catty way that also made fun of his dyslexia. Two of those stans took issue with me pointing out this problem and continued to harass me, making new accounts to impersonate other people and to talk to me again. It was so disturbing, and these people were incredibly obsessed with TC to the point where it was just worrisome. I seriously concerned that they would try to hack into my account because of how harshly they spammed me with threats. It was just a big bummer of an experience because it was legitimate harassment (I reported it and at least two of their spare accounts were suspended, at least), but it put a huge, huge dampener on any kind of interest I had in seeing his projects or supporting his work.

And having kind of surveyed the twitter situation from afar for the past few years, I think the majority of the utterly rude hate for Tom does come from a bigger percentage of Tim's fans. With Tom, the toxic ones to Tim on twitter I can count on with one hand. But with Tim, the amount of his fans who truly detest Tom on an unreasonable level are really up there and it seems normalized among a pretty good amount of them (strictly speaking this is on twitter, I think the situation on tumblr is much different thankfully!). And the sad thing is that if I didn't have that experience with the harassment, I wouldn't have any strong feelings about TC one way or another, maybe I would have even come to like him. Now I can't look at him without thinking about the online harassment I received that honestly messed with my mental health for a bit. Stans that behave really inappropriately like that NEED to realize that even though they want to 'defend' their fave, what they are actually doing in some cases is turning others OFF to their work! Thankfully I have not been bothered since their accounts were suspended, and I certainly spend MUCH more time on tumblr than twitter these days which is so much more positive for my headspace, but I really urge fans of all actors to BE KIND most of all.

Thank you for the space to rant Destiny, and for your blog! It really shifted my fandom experience to find this corner of the internet, things are so much more balanced and reasonable on tumblr compared to twitter, it feels very healthy and fun to follow things here. I think the word count on tumblr makes a big difference, here it's more about deep thoughts than just quick one liners!

Wowww..... 🤯

First of all Anon, can I just say??? I am SO sorry to read what you went through with re: to Timmy's fans. I'll just say right from the outset that online bullying and threats are NEVER okay. 😤

Idk why some fandoms feel like they have to be so unhinged like this. 🥴 If it's getting to the point where you feel the need to have to bully someone or make threats towards them online, then hun....you need to either STOP stanning whoever you're stanning, or take some LOOONG breaks away from social media, because I promise you, it is NEVER that deep. 🤨

I don't even think Timmy (or any of these actors for that matter) would feel happy that some of their fans are attacking people like that online on their behalf. 😔

Thank you for sharing your story Anon... I am SO glad that you're now doing so much better now that you've left Twitter and stay mostly on Tumblr now. 🥰

In regards to your feelings about Timmy....I'll say that you're definitely not alone. I know some other fellow fans of Tom have felt completely turned OFF from Timmy simply (and largely in part) due to his FANDOM. I know not all Timmy fans are like this (of course not), but based on what I've been hearing from others, it seems that for some reason, there's a large segment of his fandom who IS like this towards Tom or Tom fans. 😔 Honestly? I think a lot of it goes back to the fact that they both auditioned for Spiderman. Maybe some of Timmy's fans feel threatened by the fact that Tom got the role over Timmy?? Idk.... 🤷🏾‍♀️

Against my BETTER judgement, I took a little gander at Twitter sometime after Ep 8 aired, and I just did a search on Tom's name in tweets, and BOY was THAT a mistake.... 😒🙄🤦🏾‍♀️ I totally understand what fans mean by Tom gets way more hate on Twitter than most actors in his age range. I even did a search on Timmy's name just for comparison.

Granted, I don't think Timmy is in the same fame/popularity bracket as Tom, but it was just interesting to see the stark contrast. While most tweets were about sightings, thirst tweets, pics, fan encounters, filming news, upcoming projects, and other random postings for Timmy, with Tom ,it seemed like a lot of the tweets were jokes/memes at his expense, film bros hating on him, random jokes regarding Tom and Zendaya, and just overall IMMATURITY honestly.🙄

It was very heartbreaking to see. 😭

I think the hate on Tom is actually very multi-faceted, and that's what makes it somewhat unique. I mean, ALL actors/celebrities get hate at some point or another...that's just an unfortunate part of the business. 🥴😔 But I think with Tom, the hate on him comes from SO many different angles, and I think that's why fans seem to feel it more.

There's the hate coming from:

Twitter Film Bros

People who hate on Tom simply because of jealousy and the fact that he's so popular and successful

Tomdaya Antis who don't like Tom and Zendaya together

Zendaya Stans who DON'T like Z with Tom

People in the GP who just don't like him for whatever reason 🙄

Spider-Man fans who ONLY like Tobey

Spider-Man fans who ONLY like Andrew

Spider-Man fans who ONLY like Tobey OR Andrew

Timmy Chalamet Stans who hate on Tom with a vengeance for some reason 🙄

Members of the gp who think he's too "ugly", "too short", too "WHATEVER....

People who just don't like Marvel films PERIOD lol

Immature fans/meme-generators who just use Tom's name for likes and clicks in order to be "funny" or go "viral" on Twitter 🙄

Have I missed anyone?? 😅🤣

Anyway.... I think THIS is why the hate is so prevelant...It seems to be coming from ALL angles, and I honestly don't know if any other actor (in our generation at least) has ever had to deal with this level of hate before....at least, not on a social media level. 😔 I'm pretty sure this is probably one reason why he got rid of social media.

So yea, it's very sad.... 😭 Why do you think I stay away from Twitter MOST of the time?? It's because, it's VERY negative, and I don't need that energy disturbing my spirit and positive vibes. 😌

I know I sound like a broken record, but I still urge fans to PLEASE stop going on Twitter..... Ignore that nonsense. People are immature on that app, and they run jokes into the GROUND.

We can't control what people say or do unfortunately, but if you DO see something that seems to really just cross the line on that app, definitely report it!

Anyway, sorry for this long dissertation Anon...If you made it this far, I hope you are now in a better place. 🥰

The last thing I will say is, please don't allow immature Timmy fans/or other fandoms to ruin you of enjoying an actor's work. You have to separate the actor from his fans. It might even be a good idea to just watch the work and ignore the fandom(s). 🤷🏾‍♀️

[fearlessinger]

So, a little less than a month year ago (this is all my fault, I take sole responsibility for this loooong delay), I got roped into reading The Trials Of Apollo by @flightfoot’s amazing meta. I loved it more than I could have ever anticipated, and I’ve been gushing about it non stop to her on discord. We had a lot of fun reviewing the series and taking it apart to overanalyze bit by bit, marveling at the way it keeps growing layers and dimensions the longer one looks at it. Finally, we took out a google doc. The following is result n.3 of our combined excited ramblings, and... well it sort of turned into a full on dissertation. Whoops.

"You must make your own choice."

Reconstructing Apollo’s Journey within Riordan’s Narrative

Much too self aware to be egotistical (read on ao3)

This is as much a story about redemption as it is a story about surviving abuse. It could not have been any other way, because for Apollo these two things are, in almost every way that matters, one and the same. Yet Apollo claims for himself only one of these two story arcs. He takes the redemption, as he rightfully should. He leaves the survival to Meg. She’s the one who should not be held responsible for what she’s done on Nero’s orders. She’s the one who didn’t – couldn’t – know better. She’s the one who could not have tried harder. She’s the one who has a chance of getting free. 

‘I don’t blame you for anything. [...] The fact that you left me alone in the Grove of Dodona, that you lied about your stepfather –’ 

‘Stop.’ 

I waited for her faithful servant Peaches the karpos to fall from the heavens and tear my scalp off. It didn’t happen. 

‘What I mean,’ I tried again, ‘is that I am sorry for everything you have been through. None of it was your fault. You should not blame yourself. That fiend Nero played with your emotions, twisted your thoughts –’ 

‘Stop.’ 

‘Perhaps I could put my feelings into a song.’ 

‘Stop.’ 

‘Or I could tell you a story about a similar thing that once happened to me.’ (TDP 163-164)

I could tell you a story about a similar thing that once happened to me, Apollo says. But he doesn’t. Not to her, and not to anyone else. Not even to us, the readers, the only people to whom he eventually finds the courage to admit what he’s known all along: that he’s been a victim for at least as long as he’s been a villain.

In the centre, behind a marble altar, rose a massive golden statue of Dad himself: Jupiter Optimus Maximus, draped in a purple silk toga big enough to be a ship’s sail. He looked stern, wise and paternal, though he was only one of those in real life. 

Seeing him tower above me, lightning bolt raised, I had to fight the urge to cower and plead. I knew it was only a statue, but if you’ve ever been traumatized by someone, you’ll understand. It doesn’t take much to trigger those old fears: a look, a sound, a familiar situation. Or a fifty-foot-tall golden statue of your abuser – that does the trick. (TTT 94-95)

It is a costly admission for him. It takes him 3 books to get there. Oh, he’s joked about it before. He’s complained. Apollo LOVES complaining. Never let it be said that he missed a chance to loudly and dramatically whine about a minor inconvenience. He’ll happily tell anyone who’ll listen how hard and cruel and unfair his life is... so long as there’s no chance of being taken seriously. 

Apollo tells his most convincing lies simply by making the truth sound laughable. 

Zeus seemed to consider egotism a trait the boy had inherited from me. Which is ridiculous. I am much too self-aware to be egotistical. (THO 31)

But he is, indeed, much too self aware not to know what he’s doing. Which is why his rather unconventional redemption arc involves so little actual soul searching. He never has to look very far. Once he finally resolves to stop lying for good, he doesn’t have to look at all.

It’s precisely the act of finally recognizing his wrongdoings for what they are, and resolving to take responsibility for them, that at long last allows him to acknowledge the evil that has been done to him.

He only ever voices the first of those two confessions in front of his companions. He knows he has no right to make excuses for himself, no right to ask for sympathy. He sees the similarities between himself and Meg, but he knows he is not like her. Despite the child-like body he’s been forced into by his father, he is an adult. He does not get to claim ignorance, or impotence, even though he’s tempted to, even though, by some standards at least, he could. It doesn’t matter. His shortcomings may not be entirely his fault, but his surrender is.

Because that’s what he had done. He had surrendered. 

The Apollo we meet at the very beginning of this story, before he is cast out of Olympus and trapped in the dreadfully normal mortal flesh prison that is the body of Lester Papadopoulos, is a fully grown man, father and grandfather and great grandfather hundreds of times over, still living at home with his abusive dad and his wicked stepmom. He is fine with it. More than fine, in fact! As he tells us repeatedly, he can’t wait to get back to that life. So what if that life kinda sucks? What if he has to live it according to his father’s dictates rather than his own? What then? There are no better options. None that he’s been able to find, and he has been looking. He has been looking for a really, really long time. So maybe, as pathetic as the notion is, this is the best he can do. 

The Apollo we meet at the beginning of this story is fully determined to believe it. After so many attempts, after so many failures, he has found an incredibly shitty but incredibly solid way to cope. And he has settled. He has decided to settle. Even though, deep down, he still feels that this is far from what he should be able and willing to aspire to. He has surrendered. He's found comfort in surrendering. An incredibly shitty kind of comfort! But comfort all the same.

The Apollo we meet at the beginning of this story is the empty husk of a person who's given up on everything that ever mattered to him. He’s a pretender. A showman. An aged comedian with a stale act and an astounding inability to read his audience. He shamelessly tells us of his humiliation and his blunders, brags about how little he thinks of us without a trace of embarrassment, painfully confident that even at his worst he deserves our attention. How could he not? He’s the lead actor on the world’s stage, the main character of Life. 

And yet, he’s very clearly not the character he’s supposed to be: “the handsomest, most talented, most popular god in the pantheon,” he helpfully reminds us, and as ridiculous as that sounds, especially coming out of his own mouth, he may as well be quoting the introductory section of his own Wikipedia page. 

The Brilliant Apollo, the crown prince of Olympus who far outshone all his siblings, who amassed talents and domains beyond those of any of his brethren, to whom so many heroes owed their success or demise, whom so many emperors and kings wanted to emulate, and who, yes, may have been kind of an asshole at times, but a competent asshole who got things done.

This guy? He is, at best, a parody of his fabled namesake. He’s a small, petty, ineffectual loser desperate to be liked but unwilling to do any of the work that would make that possible. He can’t wait to get someone, anyone, to fight his battles for him. He’s all too happy to take credit for others’ accomplishments to make up for the fact that he has none of his own. 

It’s very easy to laugh at him. He seems like he had it coming. The more he keeps lamenting the injustice of his punishment, the more he convinces us that he deserved it. Sometimes he almost seems like he himself might be conscious of this:

I stared at my battered face in the bathroom mirror. Perhaps teenage angst had permeated the clothes, because I felt more like a sulky high-schooler than ever. I thought how unfair it was that I was being punished, how lame my father was, how no one else in the history of time had ever experienced problems like mine. (THO 30)

But immediately he rushes to disabuse us of that notion:

Of course, all that was empirically true. No exaggeration was required. (THO 30)

I’m not joking, he insists while delivering his lines like he expects there to be canned laughter at the end of them:

If I didn’t know how much Percy Jackson adored me, I would have sworn he was about to punch me in my already-broken nose. (THO 26)

And he shows us enough of his real vulnerability that it’s easy to believe him.

I took a deep breath. Then I did my usual motivational speech in the mirror: ‘You are gorgeous and people love you!’ I went out to face the world. (THO 31)

After all, what kind of depth can a person who unironically does that have? 

‘I’m fat!’ 

‘You’re average. Average people don’t have eight-pack abs. C’mon.’ 

I wanted to protest that I was not average nor a person, but with growing despair I realized the term now fitted me perfectly. (THO 20)

He’s convinced he’s so much better than us, he takes our sympathy for granted. He trusts we will believe his obvious lies because he’s too taken with himself not to realize how transparent they are. And even if we don’t, even if he isn’t, does it really matter? Are we not entertained? 

If there’s one thing Apollo is confident he can do – the only thing Apollo’s still confident he can do – is put on a show. 

And he does. He makes us wince and cringe at his awfulness, marvel at his obliviousness and ineptitude, see through his obviously fake brags so clearly and so often in the span of the first handful of chapters, that by the time he finally, actually, has to do something we are fully ready to believe it’s an accident he happens to do the decent thing. He’s so quick to declare any good deed of his was not his intended result, and simultaneously pat himself on the back for doing the bare minimum, that for a ridiculously long while the idea that he can actually be relied upon to do what’s right, that this is in fact a pattern of behavior and intent for him, keeps seeming just implausible enough to be disbelieved.

“You saved me,” Meg interrupted. “I was going to die. Maybe that’s why you got your voice back.”

I was reluctant to admit it, but she might have been right. The last time I’d experienced a burst of godly power, in the woods of Camp Half-Blood, my children Kayla and Austin had been in imminent danger of burning alive. Concern for others was a logical trigger for my powers. I was, after all, selfless, caring, and an all-around nice guy. Nevertheless, I found it irritating that my own well-being wasn’t sufficient to give me godly strength. My life was important too! (TDP 204)

I’m a good person, he says in the tone of someone who knows that statement to be false and is trying to delude himself into thinking it isn’t. And yet he prefaces it with “I’m reluctant to admit it.” If Meg hadn’t voiced the idea in the first place, Apollo would not even have considered it, even though it is, in fact, the obvious explanation. But that can’t be, because Apollo is not selfless, caring, or nice. To really drive that point home, with his very next breath he rushes to recenter the conversation on himself. “Why can’t I also be powerful for MY sake?” he whines. 

Apollo wants to believe he’s a good person. But he is not a person. He’s a god. And gods don’t want, can’t want to be good. Gods are perfect. They don’t doubt. They don’t feel guilt or remorse. They don’t change. 

Sally Jackson crossed her arms. In spite of the grim matters we were discussing, she smiled. ‘You’ve grown up.’ 

I assumed she was talking about Meg. Over the last few months, my young friend had indeed got taller and – Wait. Was Sally referring to me? 

My first thought: preposterous! I was four thousand years old. I didn’t grow up. 

She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. ‘The last time you were here, you were so lost. So … well, if you don’t mind me saying –’ 

‘Pathetic,’ I blurted out. ‘Whiny, entitled, selfish. I felt terribly sorry for myself.’ 

Meg nodded along with my words as if listening to her favourite song. ‘You still feel sorry for yourself.’ 

‘But now,’ Sally said, sitting back again, ‘you’re more … human, I suppose.’ 

There was that word again: human, which not long ago I would have considered a terrible insult. Now, every time I heard it, I thought of Jason Grace’s admonition: Remember what it’s like to be human. 

He hadn’t meant all the terrible things about being human, of which there were plenty. He’d meant the best things: standing up for a just cause, putting others first, having stubborn faith that you could make a difference, even if it meant you had to die to protect your friends and what you believed in. These were not the kind of feelings that gods had … well, ever. (TON 45-46)

“These were not the kind of feelings that gods had” he thinks, still, at the beginning of the very last book. And yet, here he is, having them. He’s had them his entire life. He’s had them since he set out to slay Python the first time, a newborn god brimming with power and a good dose of cockiness too, eager to prove himself, to be of use, to make a difference. 

“I was the worst of the gods,” he says, dropping all pretenses as he sings of his failures to the myrmekes. Because I loved too much. Because I felt guilty. Because I kept trying to do more. Because I kept changing my mind.

These are unforgivable sins for a god. That’s what Apollo and all of his divine siblings have been taught. That’s what they’ve all, in time, learned to believe. Good people don’t survive on Olympus. 

And Apollo is, above all, a survivor. 

So Apollo doesn’t want to believe he’s a good person. 

This is incredibly uncharacteristic of me, he makes sure to specify every time he does something kind, every time he finds himself unable to hide his shame or guilt or doubt, to hide how much he cares, well past the point where we start realizing that it is, in fact, perfectly characteristic of him.

I’m totally gonna throw my companions to the wolves any second now, he says while moving to stand between them and the danger. I’m tired of listening to mortals talking about themselves, he says, having just finished needling them with questions about their circumstances and their feelings and the wellbeing of both them and their loved ones. I did the right thing so I could call myself right, which makes it a selfish thing, actually. I did the right thing but I was thinking about not doing it for a moment there, so really, it doesn’t count. I did the right thing but look, I had no choice, I was coerced, they offered me a musical instrument, that’s practically blackmail!

For someone who appears so eager to boast about his legendary past, he doesn’t seem to be able to recall any of the actual good things he’s done. He won’t even admit to having killed Python the first time until he’s very nearly forced to. Even then, what looms big in his mind is not his success but the fact that he struggled to achieve it. And what is even the most impressive achievement worth, if it’s not effortless? Gods shouldn’t struggle. Only the weak do. 

‘Apollo,’ she said, ‘those shots were fantastic. A little more practice and –’ 

‘I’m the god of archery!’ I wailed. ‘I don’t practice!’ (THO 141)

So Apollo lies. He lies about being better than he is. Stronger. Immovable. In control. He lies about being worse than he is. Ignorant. Unfeeling. Cruel. 

He’s as determined to misread Percy’s annoyance toward him as adoration as he is to misread Chiron’s faith in him as an insult.

It occurred to me that I’d seen that keen look in Chiron’s eyes before – when he’d assessed Achilles’s sword technique and Ajax’s skill with a spear. It was the look of a seasoned coach scouting new talent. I’d never dreamed the centaur would look at me that way, as if I had something to prove to him, as if my mettle were untested. I felt so … so objectified. (THO 104)

Chiron’s not the one who thinks Apollo has anything to prove. In fact, Chiron has the highest possible expectations of him. Chiron, who owes Apollo everything he knows, everything he has, still believes Apollo capable of great deeds like the ones recounted in his Wikipedia page, the ones we all know from the storybooks. 

“Wikipedia,” says Apollo, “is always getting stuff wrong about me.” And as for the storybooks? They’ll make “good tinder for a fire.”

Apollo knows the truth. He isn’t a hero. He isn’t great. He isn’t even good. A good person would not have to worry about forgetting his children’s names. A good person would not stand by as little kids get enlisted to fight their parents’ wars. A good person would not let them die. A good person would not take out his anger on people he knows to be without fault, no matter how rightful that anger is, or how unreachable the real target of it is.

And if he’s a bad person, then he has no reason to try and push back against a status quo where kids are seen as fodder for the gods to use and discard as they see fit. No reason to risk his neck by challenging his father’s rules. No reason to risk anything by trying to do better. If he’s a bad person, then he can claim all the actions and, even more, the millennia of inaction he so regrets were his choice rather than his failure, or worse, something that he had no real say in at all. 

I turned my face to the sky. ‘If you want to punish me, Father, be my guest, but have the courage to hurt me directly, not my mortal companion. BE A MAN!’ 

To my surprise, the skies remained silent. Lightning did not vaporize me. (THO 252)

There’s a long stretch of book 1, immediately after Kayla and Austin get kidnapped, in which all of the bullshit abruptly disappears and we get Apollo’s almost completely unfiltered, genuine pov. It is a noticeable enough shift that it’s impossible to miss even on first reading, but at the time it happens, we don’t know enough about who Apollo really is as a person to know how to interpret it. “It’s all my fault,” Apollo states, even though it clearly isn’t. He takes the blame for his enemies targeting his children. He takes the blame for Meg being captured by the ants. 

And it was easy, in light of what we knew about him at the time, to view this as more proof of Apollo’s egotism. Of course he’d think that. He thinks everything is about him. But look: Zeus did not in fact vaporize him. Apollo’s just being his usual overly dramatic narcissistic self. He’s cracked enough jokes about being fried by his father’s lightning that we know not to take that seriously. He’s just being a comedian. 

Granted, not a very original or funny one. He keeps recycling the same tired punchlines. For example, he keeps making a production of anticipating cartoonishly violent responses from people whenever he says something he knows they’ll dislike. That routine got old fast, but he seems to be really fixated on it for some reason. 

It takes us a long while to realize what the reason is. 

But it’s not actually for his own sake that Apollo fears the most. 

“How could I have been so foolish?” he berates himself. “Whenever I angered the other gods, those closest to me were struck down.” 

It’s only in this moment that he finally allows himself to call Kayla and Austin “my children” out loud. He’d explained his reluctance to do so before:

My eyes watered. Not so long ago – like this morning, for instance – the idea of these young demigods being able to help me would have struck me as ridiculous. Now their kindness moved me more than a hundred sacrificial bulls. I couldn’t recall the last time someone had cared about me enough to curse my enemies with rhyming couplets. 

‘Thank you,’ I managed. I could not add my children. It didn’t seem right. These demigods were my protectors and my family, but for the present I could not think of myself as their father. A father should do more – a father should give more to his children than he takes. (THO 115)

And then, of course, he’d instantly rushed to cover up the shame of having shown some decency. “This was a novel idea for me,” he’d said, lying through his teeth and at the same time wholeheartedly believing his own lie, as all the best liars do. 

Sometimes a decent, moral notion just springs up in your brain fully formed and perfectly articulated like that. You never know when it might happen! It’s not weird. It must be the mortality, actually. That pesky mortal conscience side effect that people get together with their ability to die. It’s totally a thing. 

But the second Kayla and Austin are in danger, his hesitation suddenly evaporates. They are his children. They are his responsibility. “I should’ve done more to protect them,” he says.“I should have anticipated that my enemies would target them to hurt me.”

Nero wanted Meg to depend entirely on him. She wasn’t allowed to have her own possessions, her own friends. Everything in her life had to be tainted with Nero’s poison.

If he got his hands on me, no doubt he would use me the same way. Whatever horrible tortures he had planned for Lester Papadopoulos, they wouldn’t be as bad as the way he tortured Meg. He would make her feel responsible for my pain and death. (TDP 194-195)

Apollo immediately understands Nero’s game. He knows how this works, because he’s living within a scaled up version of it. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t a child. That he’s a god. Zeus is a god too, and he’s more powerful than him. There is no questioning his edicts. There is no escaping them either. No matter how much distance Apollo can put between himself and his father, he’ll still have the same amount of privacy and freedom as a kid whose parents won't let close the door to his own bedroom. Zeus just has to take one step forward to be instantly breathing down his subjects’ neck. It doesn't matter that he doesn't always do it. What matters is that he can, if he wants to.

All the gods live in fear of the day Zeus will decide that he wants to. They’d do anything to redirect his wrath from themselves. They have no one save their own family, high on top of the Empire State Building, walled off from the rest of the world, forbidden from having any kind of meaningful interaction, from building any kind of lasting connection with the mortals down below, and they are ready to throw one another into the jaws of the Beast at a moment’s notice. 

“If I gave up on everyone who has tried to kill me,” Apollo tells Meg, trying to make her understand why he’s willing to put his faith in Lytierses, “I would have no allies left on the Olympian Council.” 

Apollo doesn’t hold it against them. It’s just how it is. 

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.’ 

‘What could you have done?’ 

‘I mean at the Parthenon. I tried to talk sense into Zeus. I told him he was wrong to punish you. He wouldn’t listen.’ 

[...]

My first thought was to scream, ARE YOU INSANE? 

Then more appropriate words came to me. ‘Thank you.’ (TBM 216)

The tragedy of Jason Grace isn’t that his death is unfair, though it is. It’s not even that his death was preventable, because it wasn’t. It’s that his death, ultimately, was not necessary. 

This right here is the turning point for Apollo. Not Jason’s death, but Jason’s willingness to stand up to Zeus for him, even though Jason barely knew him, even though it provided Jason nothing, when nobody else, not even Artemis, would. It’s Jason’s willingness to do for Apollo what Apollo had long lost the courage to do for anyone, including himself.

But Jason has no way of knowing that, and all Apollo can give him is his word. That’s when Jason’s fate is sealed. The moment he decides that Apollo’s promise is worth more than his life. The moment he chooses to sacrifice his last few precious seconds to remind Apollo of it once more, one final time, to stake everything he has on this crazy gamble, believing – or at least hoping, even against all hope – that Apollo will follow through.

“It’s all my fault,” Apollo says. But Meg disagrees.

‘Jason made a choice,’ she said. ‘Same as you. Heroes have to be ready to sacrifice themselves.’

I felt unsettled … and not just because Meg had used such a long sentence. I didn’t like her definition of heroism. I’d always thought of a hero as someone who stood on a parade float, waved at the crowd, tossed candy and basked in the adulation of the commoners. But sacrificing yourself? No. That would not be one of my bullet points for a hero-recruitment brochure.

Also, Meg seemed to be calling me a hero, putting me in the same category as Jason Grace. That didn’t feel right. I made a much better god than a hero. (TBM 316-317)

I’ve always hated thinking of heroes as expendable, Apollo admits, finally, after almost 3 books spent lying to both us and himself about it, and by the time he does, it doesn’t even feel like a revelation anymore. He’d told us, didn’t he? He’d shown us. He is the worst of the gods. But still, a much better god than a hero. Because heroes are willing to risk it all for what they believe is right. And Apollo? He just really, really doesn’t want to die. “I was,” he says, “a coward that way.”

And yet, by the time he says this, we’ve witnessed Apollo’s willingness to risk and sacrifice himself for his children, for the people he keeps insisting he finds so annoying and yet he’s always so eager to start calling friends, multiple times already. 

But he’s never actually wanted to die. He just can’t bring himself to. He is a survivor. And survivors can’t be heroes. Good people don’t survive. Only the bad ones do. That’s what his experience has taught him, again and again and again, even though the notion goes against everything he feels, deep down, is right. 

When he meets his children in person for the first time and they are far more concerned about the prospect of losing their talents than of losing their father, he is relieved. He wants them to be selfish, just like he is. He wants them to survive. 

But as it turns out, his children aren’t selfish. They care so much, so deeply and fiercely, about so much more than just themselves. They grow attached so quickly. They are eager to help. They are just like him, in all the ways he never would have wanted them to be. 

Looking at them, he can’t help but feel ashamed.

Apollo has done many, many bad things in his long life, and not all of them to survive. If there was any justice in this world, he would not be the one still here, still standing, still alive, instead of all the far more deserving people he’s buried. 

But still, he does not want to die. Not even now, at his absolute lowest, not even now that he’s lost everything he’s ever had, up to and including his own name. 

So he can’t think of himself as a hero. He does not want to. 

“I had stabbed myself in the chest fully expecting that Medea would heal me,” he says, to explain why that does not count as a proper self sacrifice. 

In his mind, intent seems to matter as much as actions do. The truth is, for a god? It probably does. For a god, wanting to do something might as well be the same as having already done it. Apollo is not a god anymore, and yet, still, he desperately wants to survive. He keeps surviving despite all odds. He keeps surviving stuff that by all rights should have killed an average mortal human a hundred times over. 

But what good is it to survive, if it benefits no one? What good is the power of a god, the power to do anything you think of the moment it crosses your mind, if it can’t be used to do what’s right?

She fixed her eyes on me. Her lips quivered. I could tell she wanted a way out – some eloquent argument that would mollify her stepfather and allow her to follow her conscience. But I was no longer a silver-tongued god. I could not out-talk an orator like Nero. And I would not play the Beast’s blame game. 

Instead, I took a page from Meg’s book, which was always short and to the point. 

‘He’s evil,’ I said. ‘You’re good. You must make your own choice.’ (THO 290)

Apollo immediately understands what Meg is silently asking of him. He recognizes that she is looking for an excuse, a stratagem, a ruse that will let her do the right thing without setting off her abuser, because it’s what HE always does too. 

He does it even now, even within the confines of his own head, arguably the only place that’s out of the reach of his father’s all seeing gaze. 

His whole life and sense of self have been consumed by the hopeless search for the exact combination of words and behaviors that will let him act according to his own morals without putting into question Zeus’ judgement, without challenging Zeus’ rules, and by his increasingly despicable attempts to fool himself into thinking that that isn’t true. 

But it is true. Deep down Apollo knows it is. Even when he manages to score a point, to win a round... he is still always playing his father’s game. 

This is the awful reality he has resigned himself to. It’s the best he can do. He is convinced of it. He has accepted it. 

But he can’t accept that the same is true for Meg. So he gives her the advice he refuses to take for himself. 

“He’s evil. You’re good. You must make your own choice.” 

He’s able to state it in such simple, clear terms for her. He’s light years away from being willing and able to believe that it applies to him too. 

He doesn’t want that kind of responsibility. He can’t trust himself with it. He can’t even bring himself to admit to the choice that he’s making in this very moment, has to make up a half hearted excuse about suddenly lacking the ability to spin a yarn, for reasons, despite the fact that he’s been bullshitting us for almost an entire novel. 

But he can believe in Meg, because she is not like him. She is strong. She is good. She deserves a chance to do better. 

“You, Meg, are powerful,” he tells her on their first morning together at camp. “You will do well,” he tells Lityerses as they part ways. “We can trust him,” he says, introducing Crest to the residents of the Cistern. Despite all of his protestations to the contrary, against his own better judgement, he can’t help seizing every chance he gets to lift up the people around him, to put his faith in them, to give them his trust, even and especially when nobody else will.

“I believe in second chances”, he says, “and thirds, and fourths.” But not for himself. Never for himself. He knows himself too well. He is not strong, nor good, nor deserving. 

[ferret-not-microwave]

Les Amis Modern AU: What They Wish Others Believed About Them (Part 1).

[I'll do this series in 4 or so Parts].

[I kind of wrote this in response to some general trends in characterising the Amis. There are some stereotypes which I'm not quite comfortable with. ]

Enjolras:

• Wants people to know that he isn't always angry and uptight.

• That he can giggle for hours on end and even snort like a malfunctioning car when supplied with enough puns and Penguin videos.

•That people can walk around him without being on eggshells all the time. He doesn't like the idea of Christmas Capitalism, but that DOES NOT mean that people need to stutter "Chris-sorry-non-denominational holiday party" to him all the time.

• That he does hang out with Bahorel, Joly, Bossuet and Chetta as well. And they know he's scared of nightclub crowds, so they also find nice places to go with him. Enjolras has a photo of them in front of an amusement park carousel pinned on his headboard.

• He's also super unhappy that people think of him as a pretentious wokeboi who never accepts a different point of view. He tries too hard to undo whatever prejudices he has, and frequently cries in the shower when he thinks he has been horrible to someone. He apologizes almost instantly if he fucks things up, and tries his level best to fix the situation.

• That he likes other colours too. Enj has a blanket which is a soft shade of mauve, which he simply cannot do without at night. He also loves porcelain blue, rose gold and emerald green. He had a dark academia phase once.

• That he has had high school crushes. A few, intense ones. Except remembering them hurts him still.

• That he does like his caffeine, but he's careful enough to not overdo his coffee intake. In fact, Enj does take remarkably good care of himself and people around them. He's meticulous in following grocery schedules and house-cleaning routines, and actually enjoys them. He's a brilliant plant parent, second to Jehan.

• That people sometimes wait for him to "open up" and ultimately "reveal" his softboi self. He's what he is, not a coconut. -_-

• The Amis do know all this, and live him for what he is. Just, some others don't believe him. :(

Combeferre:

• Wants people to know that he is not always so "put-together". That there are days when he has crippling anxiety and self-doubt and can't get out of bed, let alone shower and make breakfast. There are also days in which he can't stop himself from crying in the Musain's bathroom, for inexplicable reasons.

• He also has extremely short bitten-off nails.

• He's frustrated when people don't believe that he has ever received horrible feedback on his dissertation drafts and has a few fail grades in his school report cards. The last thing he wants is people brushing off his sadness at bad feedback because "ofc you'll bounce back, duh!"

• He's super scared of brain fart moments, or being cornered with things he's not clever at at all. Like card games. He's clever at some things, not so in others, and is NOT a know-it-all.

• His favourite birthday gifts are never books.

• His temper is actually shorter than people think it is. He can snap fairly quickly when someone is actively being an asshole. He resorts to sarcasm usually, because if he gets angry angry, he starts crying.

• He wishes that people don't look at him simply as an over-serious, nerdy, kind-of-dull Deputy Enjolras. He has a completely different style of leadership to Enj, which often helps the Amis a lot, particularly in non-protest events like fundraisers, awareness campaigns and bake sales.

• He is actually pretty good at displays of affection (even the cheesy kind), which he combines with acts of service.

• He knows when people are absent-mindedly nodding away when he launches into his nerd rants about moths, science, art and cinema. He has reduced his rants to a bare minimum, and most people think it is him being quiet.

• There are days when being the mediator/ "mom-friend" burns him out.

• He's extremely picky while shopping. He'll spend HOURS looking for the perfect sweater vest/cardigan/turtleneck and shirt combination. Even though they are almost always shades of blue, black, white and grey, they often come with neon yellow or pink accents. He DOES NOT like argyle, and barely tolerates beige.

• He has ridiculously dramatic classical music choices. Courf once found his "angry playlist" (it had Verdi's Requiem, Beethoven's Fifth, Grieg's Hall of the Mountain King, and Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries). Ferre often plays it while proof-reading his papers, or after a fight with Enjolras.

Courfeyrac

• He gets really miffed when some people infantilize him. He's the eldest sibling in his family, for fuck's sake, he knows how to take charge and be the adult in the house! And no, he doesn't break things at the drop of a hat.

• He has trust issues. He can make small talk sound like really friendly conversations, but it takes him months to trust people enough to tell them about what he really likes, dislikes, wants and opines. The ultimate trust test? When he finally trusts someone enough to cry in front of them.

• He's just as good a "mom-friend" as Ferre. Taking care of R when he's low? He's there. Applying first aid to all of them after protests? He's got it. Making sure to check on Eponine when he babysits Gavroche? Yep. Goes out of his way to look for Cosette to stop Marius's pining? Yes again. He feels a little low when the same people he had "mothered" over treat him like an overenthusiastic kid.

• He likes glitter. He isn't obsessed with it. And certainly doesn't carry bucketfuls of it, because it can get inconvenient af. His pink colour choices are oddly specific (he loves baby pink, and dislikes Barbie pink).

• He needs his alone-time to recharge. A LOT of it. He walks all around the city in those days, headphones on, blocking out the world. He likes calm classical music then, instead of his usual repertoire.

• He was really good at schoolwork. It's just that he didn't want to walk the academic path for his career. He loves to indulge in loooong, nerdy debates about anything and everything with people. And he ABSOLUTELY rips people a new one when they look at his pink denim aesthetic and try to peg him as airheaded and stupid (if the other Amis don't get to the people first).

• Marius does Courf's nails better than he does it himself. Far better. Also makeup.

• Contrary to popular belief, he doesn't randomly talk to everyone he meets. He just happens to participate in a lot of group events.

• Like Enj, Courf is extremely scared of his own prejudices and problematic sides.

• For the longest time, he hid the fact that he loves wearing makeup, dieting, watching Queer Eye and reading cheesy romance paperbacks because he was super scared that people would judge him. The Amis doesn't, so he showers them with trivia on these.

• Courf is actually really punctual, but on reaching the venue he usually finds someone needing his help, so he dumps his bag in the Musain and runs out again. The bag is evidence of his punctuality.

[cloversweets]

hi everyone!

i know i haven’t posted here properly for a loooong while (i’m in my final year of uni and i have my dissertation to write and i’m also getting my shit kicked in by menthol illness rn, huhu), but i’m trying to get back into writing!

i was thinking about the direction of this blog, though, and i think i would perhaps like to open up to writing for more fandoms? to be honest, part of the reason why i haven’t been writing much is because i’ve felt a little stifled with swsh characters, and i’ve been more interested in a lot of other media recently (especially fire emblem: three houses and genshin impact as well as a ton of dating sims, huhu).

if that sounds like something you guys would be happy about and interested in, please let me know! i’d most likely open it up to fire emblem: three houses characters first, but i’m open to other potential suggestions too. feel free to share your opinions in my ask, and let me know if you’d like to see me writing for any specific characters!

i hope you’re all doing well and staying safe and healthy <3 sorry again for the months long silence! mwa <3

[mizjoely]

I saw your replies to comments on a fic disappering once and thought it was an error, but turns out you delete them...Just want to let you know that as a reader I'm happy to scroll through a pile of "thank you's" that let me see that the author cares. It considerably increases a chance of me leaving feedback, because if I read a great heartfelt comment and see that the author didn't reply I think that there's no point in me trying to tell anything, if the author wasn't interested in hearing THAT

(Part 2) then surely nothing I can say is going to matter. Or I might assume the author doesn’t even read the comments, so why would I spend time leaving one. Seeing that the author interacts with the audience is 100% better than seeing a silent treatment, I’d be willing to scroll through a hundred “thank you’s” to leave my comment knowing it will be appreciated.

MY RESPONSE

First things first: EVERY writer reads their comments. The only time they don’t is if they’re no longer active in the fandom or on AO3 or whatever site their fic is on. We read them on ff. net, we read them on AO3, we read them on tumblr, we wait for that first comment/review to appear in our email, we would read them if you sent them as smoke signals. That is an absolute GIVEN.

Second of all, I personally have never based my commenting on whether or not the writer has responded to previous comments. I write my comment and then, after I click that comment button, I read other comments if I have the time or interest. But that’s just me.

Also, keep in mind that not every author leaves thank yous or replies to comments at all, and it has nothing to do with comparing one comment with another. EVER. I love comments that just say “love this” as much as paragraph long dissertations I’ve received. Even a smiley face or one word “amazing” or “cute” gives me just as much of a thrill as a detailed analysis of why the reader liked the story or characterizations, etc. 

Here’s the thing about that: Sometimes even writers who can churn out 10K+ fics don’t know what to say, or feel awkward or shy about responding to comments, no matter how simple or effusive. Or don’t have the time or energy to spare, no matter how much they’d like to. Just as readers don’t owe writers comments, writers don’t owe readers responses. We should all be doing this out of love for the fandom and enjoyment, first and foremost. (That is, of course, just my opinion on the matter.)

Me, I try to respond to folks on my one-shots, but I only do a blanket “thanks for all your lovely comments” on my chapter fics unless someone comments on an older, completed fic. (Here’s a genuine question for you: does that lack of response to individual comments keep you from reading a fic as well?)

The thing is, yes, fandom is now much more of a two-way street (which can be super awesome just as much as it can be nasty and toxic), but just as many folks are shy about commenting because they don’t know what to say or are worried they’ll be considered stalkerish (NEVER something writers think, no matter how old the fic you’re commenting on or how many fics you’re commenting on), often the writers themselves just don’t know what to say in response to comments and worry that just saying thank you over and over could be construed as boring or even rude because they don’t answer every single thing the commenter had to say. (I like to call that the circle of paranoia and it’s a shame, but it does exist.)

Also, as someone who has been writing fanfic since the mid 1980s and came from the world of fanzines to online fandom, let me just add that it took me a loooong time to even start responding to comments and reviews because that just wasn’t how it was done Back In My Day. If you were lucky a zine editor would publish letters they received from readers in the next issue (if there even WAS a ‘next issue’ and if they even got letters in the mail commenting on the zine!) and that was all the feedback you ever got (aside from having the editor say yes to your story submission in the first place). 

(If you already know all this fanfic history, sorry for going over old ground.)

TL;DR: I’m sorry you feel that it’s not worth leaving a comment unless you’ve seen the writer respond to previous comments, but you should try to remember that we all enjoy and interact with fandom in our own, individual ways.

[dol--blathanna]

✨Chapter Update!✨

So, my course has been really kicking my ass in terms of busyness - for several weeks I had back-to-back assignments due every week, some of which were very long and difficult, which meant I didn’t have much time for recreational writing 😭 Fortunately most of my assignments aside from my dissertation are done now (and they all went well!) I’m currently on my dissertation placement, but I have a lot more free time for now as I transition into the dissertation process.

Basically, the chapter is pretty much all written - the problem, as it always is, is that the editing is taking a loooong time. That may or may have something to do with the fact that the chapter is maybe currently over 30k words...😬 why do I do this to myself 😂 also, without going too much into spoilers for the chapter, there are some details in it that I find a lot trickier than other aspects of the story, and after all this time I want to make sure it’s as good as it can be before I upload it, so this chapter is proving to be a bit of a beast to edit, even with the help of my editor (do you call them beta readers? idk i’m not familiar with the fanfic lingo 😅). I’m slowly but surely working on it, I’d like to upload within the coming weeks but it will depend on a) how quickly I can edit and b) if my course decides to unexpectedly throw anything my way. Hopefully it won’t take too long, and I’m sorry for the wait!

[destinyc1020]

It is not Sunday yet but I have a confession to make.

I’m so done of seeing Sydney in everything she is to me a medium core actress that only is known for her big boobs. And suddenly she is everywhere. I blocked her name on Twitter I blocked her name on Instagram. And still see her everywhere help me! With the succes of anyone but You she is even more obnoxious. I constantly see story’s about her lying about her upbringing or other stuff and everybody lovesssssss her WHY!!!

What I’m most upset about is the fact that she get so much more and faster while Zendaya has worked her ass off and is not getting the same treatment as her. Also it doesn’t take longer and she will be on the same level or even bigger than Z unfortunately.

Hey Anon!

Thanks for your confession! 🥰 As promised, I saved your ask for Sunday lol.

So, first of all, I can sort of understand how it might feel seeing an actor/actress "everywhere" and it suddenly feeling annoying to you. I used to feel that same way about Jennifer Lawrence tbh lol. 😅

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE JLaw, and I actually find her to be a great actress, but at one point in time, prior to the #metoo movement, it just seemed like she was "Hollywood's Darling", and that she was being PUSHED in our faces everywhere lol. 😅 And then you look at other Black actresses around in the industry and you wonder, why JLaw and not [insert Black Actress Name Here]?? 🤔

I'm sure there are probably some people out there that feel the same way about Zendaya tbh lol. 😅

I think it just happens?? 🤷🏾‍♀️ I think a LOT of people in the GP start to dislike an actor/actress JUST because they are seemingly "everywhere" lol.

I've always felt too though that some actors will have a special "year" or two where they have a HUGE movie coming out, or they have some things to promote, so, of COURSE they're going to be "everywhere", because their projects that they've worked hard on are finally coming out and they are obligated by the studios to promote their work. But after, they go back into hiding, and remain under the radar.

That's how most actors work tbh. Their fame/exposure comes in waves. Right now I guess it's Sydney's turn to shine lol? 😅

I literally don't know much about her work/acting talent since I've only seen her in "Madame Web" lol, but so far she seems decent to me? And if she's working "Euphoria" then I know she must be a good actress cuz most of the actors on that show are pretty decent I feel?

What I’m most upset about is the fact that she get so much more and faster while Zendaya has worked her ass off and is not getting the same treatment as her.

With that said, I can definitely understand this sentiment above. Sometimes it feels a bit unfair when you see certain White actresses (or even actors), especially NepoBabies being promoted more or getting "instant success and fame" over other Black actresses/actors who've been working in this game for a longer period of time (sometimes, decades) and they don't even have HALF the amount of fame or "buzz" and success surrounding their names. It's even WORSE when you feel like SOME of these White actresses (or actors) aren't even as talented as some of the POC that you like, but yet they STILL get fame and attention over POC actors. 😔 That can definitely be annoying, so I get it.

Idk much about Sydney or her background growing up (I don't really follow her like that tbh), but I'm not even surprised that she gets a pass tbh. She's an "All-American"-looking (hate that term btw lol 😒🙄), blonde, WHITE woman with BIG BOOBS. Oh, and apparently she comes from a very MAGA Trump-loving family. 😒 That right there should tell you everything you need to know and why she might be given a pass and liked by certain demographics in this country.

Also it doesn’t take longer and she will be on the same level or even bigger than Z unfortunately.

Hold up hold up here....

This is where I have to disagree with you lol. I don't believe Sydney will EVER be on the same level as Zendaya popularity/fame-wise. No way. Zendaya goes by a one-name basis.

The type of level of fame that Zendaya has in Hollywood only comes like once in a million lol... 😅🤣 In fact, I'd venture to say that MOST of her peers won't be on her same level in terms of fame-level....just being honest. Plus, Zendaya has dabbled in so much stuff, music, acting, modeling, brand deals, etc.

Not saying that Sydney can't do the same thing, but do I really think she will be at the same level fame-wise worldwide that Zendaya is? No, not really. I don't think you have to worry about that Anon lol.

With all that said, I don't really know how I feel about Sydney yet. Some things she's done has seemed kinda sus to me (specifically regarding Tom/Zendaya, and then there was the whole Glen Powell PR stunt), so I give her the major side-eye. 👀

But do I think she's a "mean" person? No. There are just some people I don't think I really trust. And I kind of feel like I follow Zendaya's lead on some things. If Z seems like she doesn't trust her, and she actually KNOWS her and has worked with her, then I trust Z's "spidey senses" lol. 🤭